Archer s14e09 Episode Script

1
I am calling for an official
vote by the General Assembly
to ban private
spy organizations worldwide.
Their lawless shadow world
must end!
Can't they find
anyone to defend us?
Well, the North Koreans said
we're an excellent example
of the fatal contradictions
of capitalism.
Damn.
Why do the people who hate us
have the best arguments?
I mean, the easy answer
is 'cause they're right.
But the correct,
more complex answer, is,
- uh very complex.
- Yes, I left Interpol abruptly.
And, yes, I work in an industry
whose rep is worse than
an ongoing orphanage fire.
But I'm easier to work with now.
Oh, that's just like you, Steve,
you dribble of piss.
[line beeps]
Ugh! Bollocks!
- So how's the job search?
- Honestly? On the upswing.
- [Lana] Guys, the mission?
- Really?
- We're still doing that?
- [Lana] Oh, come on.
They're just grandstanding.
Do you know how much
dirt private spy agencies
have on those UN dorks?
They'll cave before the vote.
So our business that's
being banned for being dirty
won't be banned because
it's too dirty to ban?
- That's your argument?
- [Lana] It would appear that it is.
I have to make some calls.
Totally unrelated.
Look, this isn't going to
happen because it can't happen,
- so let's just stop talking about it!
- Right, sort of.
But let's just be
professionals here.
And speaking of the opposite
of that, where is Archer?
[Archer]
[yawns] He's here.
Waiting patiently.
And professionally.
Well, those two are
definitely professionals.
- You said it was an escort mission.
- [Lana] Uh, no one said that.
The mission is simple.
Oh, God, are they breathing?
We did go pretty hard
last night.
Anyone bring any of those, uh,
what, uh, oh, nose mirrors?
What sensitivity you need?
- You travel with those?
- Uh, you don't?
Voicemail!
I know you're there, Catherine!
Pick up, you sniveling strumpet!
[woman yawns, coughs]
Oh, there they go.
All right, everybody,
let's go have a great mission!
Oh, uh, wait, what's the mission?
Also, what country is this?
[main title theme]
♪
So now that we've got the
distractions out of the way
They weren't distractions, Lana.
They were people with real hopes
and real dreams
and real fake names.
- Which were?
- Like I've got the brain space for that.
Got the brain space for
what country you're in?
Barbados.
No, wait. Bahrain.
I I know it's got a bar in it.
So in Rio de Janeiro
Ha! It was the bra
I was thinking of in Brazil.
Come on, let's go.
Time is of the essence. Probably.
The Chinese military developed
a high-tech bunker buster,
and the US government
wants a look at it.
But they can't be seen
to be involved.
Isn't that a great argument
for us continuing to exist?
- Not if you're the Chinese.
- So some Chinese gangsters
went rogue and stole it,
and then immediately panicked.
We're not sure who the buyer is,
but to narrow it down,
just make a list
of every terrorist
organization in the world.
I'm definitely not doing that.
They chose Brazil for the handoff
because this time of year, it is
[crowds cheering]
a bit distracting.
[laughter]
[lively music playing]
I think you mean awesome, Lana.
The pageantry, the history,
the popo zau right?
Yeah, I wouldn't worry
about distractions.
He seems pretty dialed in.
So the handoff is happening
at a black market warehouse
here, owned by
Brazilian gangsters.
You intercept the bomb and
drive it to the helipad here.
Infiltrate, extract, transport.
Got it.
Now in regards
to intelligence on this one,
do you know if any of
these gangsters are hiring?
And that's goodbye.
[sighs]
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Yeah, hi.
- Also hi.
You think you might want
to address the troops?
I think you sent an
intense email by accident.
[jazzy music]
So I understand that this is
a shock, but you are not fired.
This is a hiatus.
And we will be back in
business when the smoke clears.
Don't mind me. Just collecting
rage pheromones for nothing.
Thank you all for your hard work.
Each and every one of you is truly
[sighs] valued.
Hey, Kirk, wait!
You forgot your [gags]
Literal bag of shit.
[lively music playing]
[Pam] Seems a bit harsh.
[Archer]
That's what these guys are.
That pangolin is clearly dehydrated.
Wait. Oh, my God.
- [Ray] Is it the bomb?
- What bomb?
Oh, right. No.
It's a case of
Glengoolie Green whiskey.
- Is that the most important thing?
- Seriously?
They only made, like,
100 cases of that.
50, 30 of which were lost at sea.
Oh, yeah, I also see the bomb.
Uh, it looks like
the buyer hasn't shown yet.
It's just the Chinese
and the Brazilians.
So here's the plan.
I'm gonna go open some crates
to see if they have anymore
Glengoolie Green.
And then?
- [Archer] Well, that depends.
- On what?
- [Archer] On whether I find it.
- [Krieger] Wait, that's the plan?
- Do nothing and hope it works out?
- Well, what else can we do?
Unless someone with
lots of money
so much that they don't
have any use for it
- [chuckles] could hire us.
- Who would even do that?
Like, do you guys have
any real skills?
- I'm an accountant!
- I know all the science.
I said real skills.
I guess it's not as useful
as glue-sniffing tolerance.
- Though I am willing to learn.
- Me too!
[Barry] So I hate to interrupt
your planned addiction here, but
- [gasps] Demon fridge!
- Whoa, easy. It's Barry.
Yeah, and I'm not sure
the answer to the question,
"How do I hurt refrigerator?"
is knife.
I've been here for weeks.
Or you just got here, and
you're messing with our memories.
Who even am I?
So where's my freaking body, Krieger?
You shoved me in this fridge,
and you said it was temporary.
Hey, I was almost done
with the prototype for you.
But then I ran into
a scientific roadblock.
[Barry] Which was?
I got bored.
[ice machine rattles]
- Ah! My microscope eye.
- So first of all,
everything is totally fine and normal.
But just in case, we need
to clean this place out
so we can get our deposit back.
And if we get our deposit back,
I will split it with you.
- And if you find anything cool, you can sell it.
- One question.
[sly music]
- What have I done to deserve this?
- [Barry] Oh, I don't know.
Pushed all your mistakes
down this elevator shaft?
So ballpark,
how many bodies do you think
we pushed down here?
- Uh, I did two or three.
- Two or three bodies. Not so bad.
[laughing] Oh, no,
two or three ballparks.
[Ray]
So now can we get the bomb?
Not until I tell everyone how
I just found the coolest thing.
- So do it.
- I just did.
And now, you don't get
to know what it is.
- [speaking Portuguese]
- [Ray] Hang on.
- Something's happening.
- Shit. Buyer still hasn't shown up,
and there's no translator.
Wait.
Archer, you speak Portuguese.
- [Archer] Claro.
- And I speak a little Chinese.
Great, so you go down there and
explain that you're the buyers,
they give us the bomb,
and we get out of here.
- Yes, Pam.
- It's kind of genius.
[Archer] Hmm, seems complicated.
What if I just solved
everything myself
while you guys stare at me
in quiet awe,
- proving that I don't need anyone?
- And how are you gonna do that?
I'm going to introduce
them to my friend,
Mr. Basic Acoustics.
[guns clicking]
And Mr. Basic Acoustics'
first name is
Uh
[sighs]
Ugh, forget it.
[gunshot echoes]
[gunfire]
[shouts]
[gangsters grunting]
[dramatic music]
Death By!
His first name is Death By.
I nailed it.
Death by basic acoustics, right?
[chuckles] Come on.
Guys?
[sighs]
Should have waited.
All right, stay focused.
I see a gap in the line.
Ready?
And, now!
[lively music playing]
Why isn't every day Carnival?
- Um, because society would collapse?
- Totally worth it.
You know,
if this is our last mission,
- not a bad way to go out.
- Stop saying that.
Everything's gonna be fine,
so shut up and let me focus
on how great my ass looks.
Well, counterpoint,
maybe you suck.
- Maybe I will.
- [Barry] What?
I've lost the thread
on this argument.
You pointed out that
Cheryl wasn't helping,
despite the fact that
you aren't helping either.
Hey, I gave you that water,
and just so you know,
when I do that,
it feels like I'm peeing.
- Dude.
- Fascinating.
So your physical sensations are
mapped onto the refrigerator.
Kind of, yeah. Is that gonna
help you put me back into my body?
Not yet, but in the future,
maybe we'll all be trapped
in refrigerators,
so you won't feel as bad.
[ice machine rattles]
Gah, my non-microscope eye!
- What the
- [gasps] It's Milton.
[printer whirring]
[printer crackling, fizzing]
[Barry] Well, at least
that's not depressing.
Isn't there, like,
another elevator shaft
- we could push this trash down?
- Oh, I hate this job.
I hate losing this job.
Stupid elevator shaft!
Good God, you guys
complain so much.
Just look around
for some garbage to sell
so you can buy that rent thing
you're always whining about.
Do you not know what rent is?
I want to say a kind of poor
people food, like kibble?
[lively music playing]
[Archer] Mmm. This is
and I don't say this lightly
- concentrated liquid orgasm.
- Ugh, gross.
[sighs]
But you're absolutely right.
[fireworks popping]
So what are y'all gonna do
when this is over?
- Oh, come on!
- Stop.
[phone trills]
We've got intelligence that
the Chinese are staking out
all major helipads.
You're going to have to
turn off the parade route.
- [Zara] Oh, no!
- [Archer] Aww, come on!
- [Ray] Boo!
- [Lana] Yeah, real sorry
you gotta do a mission
during the mission.
Well, at least you apologized.
I found you a clearing
you can use up in the hills.
- I'll send coordinates.
- So hear me out.
What if we just stayed
on the parade route
and sold the bomb to the Chinese?
[Lana] I don't know.
They'd probably kill you
and maybe start World War III.
What are we thinking?
Worth a shot?
[Lana groans]
[button beeps]
Idiots!
Aw, how can I complain
about idiots
without any idiots to complain to?
- But what does it mean?
- What does what mean?
Oh, uh, just our newfound
closeness as a team.
We also found some keys.
- Really, Cheryl?
- What?
You know I'm not good with
nonverbal communication.
[Barry] Just incidentally,
what kind of communication
are you good with?
- What?
- [Barry] OK.
So?
Anyone recognize these?
New task. Figure out
what these keys go to.
Search everywhere. Maybe
it's something we can sell.
- [Barry clears throat]
- Did you just clear a throat
you do not have?
[Barry] Uh, I want to help.
Uh, I hate to break this to you,
but you are a refrigerator.
I am aware!
And I've been shoved in
that break room for months,
trying to start conversations
with people
who are shoving things into
what feels like my rib cage
and basically ignoring me.
I saved all of your lives
from Other Barry,
so will you please just
give me a goddamn hand?
Sorry, have we established
where this weird fridge
came from
and why it talks like this?
- [Barry] Yes!
- Several times.
- Repeatedly.
- But you're, like, kind of a pain to haul around.
And we only brought you down
here because you begged us.
We solved this last time.
Just take my circuits out.
- Oh, right.
- Duh.
Just put me on something
light with wheels.
Yeah, not what I had in mind.
[lively music playing]
[car horn honking]
[Zara] And what did
you have in mind?
Not this.
[car thunks]
- [grunts] Pam, what's going on?
- [Pam] It's not me.
Jesus Christ,
what's the problem?
- Uh, Jesus Christ?
- [Archer] Oh, right.
Uh, not to be sacrilegious here,
but did anyone bring a chainsaw?
Is it me, or did the gun
library used to have more guns?
- It's called an armory.
- Ugh, fine.
Didn't the gun library
used to have more armory?
Ooh, look, Cheryl, a clipboard.
It goes snap, snap.
I know what you're doing.
I'm
[laughs] Not oh!
An idiot.
[laughing]
Who can't
[giggling]
So you've been
selling the guns, huh?
Jeezy Petes, so are we really
in that bad of shape?
Even if the UN doesn't ban us,
we might still go under?
- You're the accountant.
- And I'm starting to suspect
the numbers you're giving me
aren't real.
Oh, really?
You don't think that the bribes
and the hush money and the
payoffs from third world oligarchs
- was recorded accurately?
- Well, I
oh, uh, yes?
If you knew the amount
of lying and cheating
and moral compromise
being the boss requires,
you would all never stop
giving me cunnilingus.
Well, if the offer is on the table
Oh, no.
I dated you, remember?
And even that big ass hog of yours
didn't make up for your mouth
in more ways than one.
You would apologize
to the bullet that killed you.
Well, I'm sorry for being polite.
Oh, you just did it again!
Jesus Christ!
Hit the gas, Pam.
[branches snapping]
You know, if we use
the principle of leverage
Then we'll be here
all damn day.
Floor it, Pam!
[engine revving]
[grunts]
[cries out]
[glass shatters]
Ow.
Told you it would work.
[Lana] Oh, I told myself
it would work.
And then I clawed and I scraped
while you all
whined and complained,
until when I finally closed
my tired eyes to sleep,
all I could see were
your sour, crumpled faces.
Uh, for the record, I wasn't
really around for any of that.
Shut your goddamn
nonexistent mouth!
I would say that we should
have sold you for parts,
but you know what?
I'm glad we saved you
because you finally
achieved your proper form,
because now, you both literally
and figuratively suck!
- Lana.
- What?!
There's writing
on Mr. Snappy that looks
a lot like
the writing on the keys.
Great, now we just need
to find Tom Sawyer.
Anyone got the number
to Mark Twain's cemetery?
Tom Sawyer? That's funny.
It's also the name of a Rush song.
Oh, you don't know that one?
It's the best.
It goes um, uh
I don't know how it goes.
[gasps]
I don't know how it goes.
Oh, my God,
I don't know how it goes!
[helicopter blades whirring]
- This is really it, huh?
- Yep.
- Then it's back to Carnival.
- Oh, seriously?
Everything will be fine.
It always is for me.
- I don't need anyone.
- This really how you want to go out?
- Uh-huh.
- But it's us.
There's nothing to discuss.
How could I forget that?
Something's wrong.
Hey, it's OK. It's OK.
Unrelated, has anything weird
been happening?
Like, more weird than
everything else about you.
You know,
now that you mention it,
these weird scars keep
showing up on my skull.
- [all gasp]
- Huh.
[Barry]
So we're just gonna
Search his lab immediately?
Yes.
Hello!
You absolute turds.
[Archer] Slater?
You are the bag man?
I thought it was appropriate
that your last mission
before vanishing into
the dustbin of history
would be polishing
my glorious balls.
Dude, I don't want to
be picturing your balls.
I won't be able to sleep tonight.
Seriously?
You're still in the CIA
after your catastrophic
fuck up in Manatina?
Ha! Catastrophic?
For the CIA?
They gave me
a commendation for that.
So we don't like this guy.
Is that our vibe here?
Keep it down, Glarey Poppins.
Act like your government.
Stand behind the Americans and nod
while your influence steadily wanes.
Look, I'm gonna need
some kind of confirmation
that this is official CIA business.
Oh, sure.
Just, uh, hang on for a sec.
[imitates phone beeping]
Hello, CIA?
That Chinese weapon you're
stealing, are you stealing it?
- Thanks.
- You don't do the phone bit.
I do the phone bits.
You know what?
That's a great point.
And yet another example of me
doing everything you do, but better.
- And, hey, Pam, my balls.
- [Pam] Goddamn it!
I just stopped thinking about them.
- This feels very wrong.
- Glarey Poppins?!
I'll give him a spoonful of shit.
I will, I will. [line beeps]
[phone ringing]
[Archer] Problem, Lana.
We're kind of busy here, OK?
So
Slater came to pick up the bomb.
- What? That bitch?
- [Archer] Right?
Can you confirm he's in the CIA?
Well, my only contact
was whoever hired us.
And if they were pretending, I
Well, guess I'll just solve it
myself then, like always.
All right, guys, we have no way of
knowing if he's on the level or not,
so my thought is we just
stop worrying about it
- and go look at some popo zau.
- Oh, my God, yes.
Yes, I know I can't get
my job back at Interpol,
but I need to know
if someone named Slater
is still affiliated with the CIA.
I guess it's a mononym?
- Right. Thanks. [line beeps]
- Yeah, that sounded, uh
- Like we just got fucked?
- Royally.
Slater was officially disavowed
by the CIA last month.
But they didn't share that with
independent spy organizations
because we're all about to not exist.
I really wish you hadn't
told me that
because now,
I have to destroy Slater.
No way I'm going out like that
on my last mission.
A-ha! So you admit
it's your last mission.
Hey, no gloating during
rage-induced breakthroughs.
What are you looking for now?
[knocking]
[hollow thudding]
[door clanks]
Remember when I told you
I found something cool
at the warehouse?
I have no memory of this door.
[door creaking]
Oh, my God, it's beautiful!
[jetpack whooshes]
You have no idea
how to use that thing.
I have no idea how to do
most of the stuff I do.
- [Pam] Are you sure you can catch up?
- Just give it a second.
Think about Slater.
It's not enough for him to win.
[dramatic music]
I gotta tell him.
Hey, dummy,
bring me back around.
This is nuts.
[mic screeches] [Slater] Just
so you know, I'm not CIA anymore.
Jetpa ahh!
- Speaking of nuts.
- God, watch the propeller!
Watch the human sashimi maker?
Got it!
[both grunting]
[yelling]
Ah!
[strained] A little help?
How?
I can't see what's happening.
Uh, Ray, get the
reflection out of my eye.
I can't see.
Wait a second.
Pam, your mirrors!
[grunts]
[growls]
[flesh squelching]
[groans]
[alarm beeping]
[grunts]
[cackles]
[shouts]
[Archer screaming]
Ugh. Oh!
[camera shutter clicking]
- Oh, my God, he did it.
- Yeah, but, uh
[passerby exclaims]
[person] Cuidado, cuidado!
- Jesus.
- Well, it's not like
it's the worst thing
that ever happened to him.
[groans]
- [laughs] I win again!
- You should have let it go.
Let it go and miss this?
Me, Sterling Archer,
beating you yet again?
I'm so glad I didn't let it go.
This is the best moment
of my life!
- Why would I let it go?
- Why? [chuckles]
You're about to find out why.
[dramatic music]
♪
[electricity crackling]
- Katya?
- Sterling, my darling.
- I ache to see you.
- Well, I'm aching too, Katya.
And I I have to ask
before we do
what I think we're about to do.
Does it still vibrate?
That is not the ache I mean.
I ache because I must do this.
[gunshot]
[cries out]
[grunts]
And, yes, it still vibrates.
[person off screen]
Sterling Archer.
- Code name: Duchess
- No one calls me that.
Known from Berlin
to Bangkok as the man
who used to be the world's
most dangerous spy.
Used to be?
Take off these chains,
and that potato
on top of your neck
is gonna used to be a face.
Whoa, buddy.
No need for that stuff.
- We all got job to do.
- And you're terrible at yours.
These nipple clamps
are super pinch-y.
Very unprofessional.
Is that really your
big problem right now?
Yes, because I care
about the craft.
Yeah, the goth teen witch movie.
- No.
- OK, so anything to say
before I give you zip-zap?
- What, with that golf cart battery?
- Go-kart.
And that's not for you.
My go-kart need repair.
That's a big battery.
Ah, fun fact: they use this
to jump-start trains.
That's the least fun fact
I've ever heard.
I don't know if I've said it, but, uh,
it really is good
to see you again.
Look, I get it. It's super
fun to trot out the battery
that supposedly
jump-starts trains.
- And airplanes.
- But we all know that if you
attach that to a human,
he would instantly die,
rendering it useless as an
interrogation tool, ergo you're bluff
[electricity crackling]
[gibbering]
I'm sorry.
I interrupted you.
- [groans]
- Problem?
Yeah, I just didn't think burning
nipples would smell like that.
Well, maybe the smell
changes as we go.
- What?
- Hit him again.
[electricity crackling]
[gibbering]
[door squeaks open]
[grunts]
[door slams]
So maybe I'm unclear on
the order of operations here,
but did you have any questions?
I just wanted you to know
that I'm serious.
You know, Slater,
a sternly worded letter
- could do wonders.
- Rest up, Archer.
I'd hate for you to die
when I do that again.
[groans] I'd hate
both parts of that.
Love to hear it.
[grunts]
Get up, you wimp.
[grunts, exhales heavily]
OK.
Take inventory of the room.
Find the tools. Improvise.
I think one of those clamps
melted and fused into my nipple.
But don't worry about that.
And don't worry
about talking to yourself.
That's not a symptom
of a brain injury,
though you might not
remember if it is.
Sterling, my darling,
what did they do to you?
I quiver with sympathy.
Do don't say "quiver"
in that sexy voice.
If my nipples get hard, uh,
I might die.
I am so sorry.
It is just that seeing you like this
[sobs]
I did not know I could cry.
- My cheeks are wet.
- I'm gonna pass out now.
[thuds]
So what are we doing?
Wait, wasn't there
some kind of UN thingy?
- How's that going?
- This is the best moment of my life.
[people murmuring angrily]
I said, how's that going?
Wait, am I invisible?
What's the sound version of that?
In visible.
No, I just said that.
Look, I am working my network.
- [gasps] I am invisible.
- If only.
The UN vote on banning
private spy agencies
is in two days, but that's
more than enough time to
Not what we're talking about.
And it's going to be fine.
- We've just got to find Archer.
- Look, I've got feelers out.
Just like those
brine shrimp cats I made.
- Or didn't.
- Krieger, did you figure out
what that weird thing
we found was?
[humming]
No, but I have determined
that it's creepy
- and possibly gross.
- So we've got, like, zero chance
of finding Archer here, right,
or the bomb?
- Yeah, probably.
- Yeah, that sounds right.
- Did I hear the word "bomb"?
- Hey! No! Just no!
- Yeah, but why no?
- Or how no?
I don't know.
But we are not gonna sit here
and stew in our failure juice.
There's a loose bunker buster
out there.
Do we know who has it?
No.
Do we know where Archer is
or even if he's alive? No.
Are we getting some
pretty awkward inquiries
about our activities in Brazil?
Yes.
See how she just slid
the bad news in there?
Like a greased toboggan.
The rest of our lives
may be doomed and empty,
but, by God, we are going
to live the fuck
out of these last few days
of doing what we are best at,
what we were put
on this Earth to do.
Krieger, figure out that orb.
Barry, help him.
You are made of computer
or whatever.
The rest of you, get me some
plausible bunker buster targets.
Someone wants to use it
for some evil shit,
and we are gonna
stop that evil shit
because that is what we do!
Sploosh.
[door squeaks open]
I'm sorry.
Slater said he wouldn't torture you.
Well, I appreciate that.
It was incredibly painful,
especially after someone shot me!
Oh, Sterling, you're delirious.
That was me.
[chuckles] You guys have a
4:00 p.m. dinner special here?
What is this place?
Other than a KGB black site.
Abandoned KGB black site.
We've gathered allies
from every
secret intelligence service
in the world.
Retired, mostly.
So, yes, they are seasoned.
We call ourselves Silverwolf.
Big evil supervillain plan.
Got it.
So what are you gonna do,
blow up Pluto?
Poison all the money
in the world?
Some kind of giant
mystery thing that turns
out to be an anticlimactic
real estate scam?
[laughs]
Oh, no.
We're not here
to destroy the world.
We're here to save it.
And you, my Sterling,
are going to help us.
[Barry] And how exactly
does this help?
Well, first, I'm gonna
get you hooked up here.
Oh, this isn't an improvement.
Huh, must be some residual
programming in there.
Yeah, there's definitely some
residue in here, I would say.
So I created a buffer
between you and the device
so you can observe
the sphere's programming
without contamination,
which will manifest
as these kickass cyberpunk goggles.
You'll be goggled in with the
wireheads for sure, choomba.
And these will protect me?
- I don't know.
- What does that mean?
What do you want from me?
Science isn't an exact science.
- Oh, my God.
- There is no God here.
Anyhoo
[goggles whirring]
Ohhhhhh.
You're trying to bring back
the Cold War?
[Katya chuckles]
No, of course not.
- But yes.
- Yeah, I get it.
I mean, who doesn't love
the constant looming threat
of nuclear annihilation?
Look at the world
that we live in.
All these piddling
minor conflicts.
All this peace
and money and phones.
So things were better
when they were worse?
Exactly. This is becoming
a world without purpose,
without meaning,
and without Sterling Archer.
The U.S. government
will be voting yes
on the proposal
to ban private spy agencies.
We urge the world to join us.
And in the words of my people,
how 'bout them Cowboys?
Uh, there probably
won't even be more war.
It'll be a staring contest.
But the conflict will energize us
and make us strong
and give us meaning.
In a frictionless universe,
nothing happens.
And you, uh who even
are you in that world?
That's ridiculous. I, uh
do not have a counterargument.
But what does that
have to do with torturing me?
Slater and I,
we have, uh, mm,
differences of opinion
sometimes. [chuckles]
Sterling, it might not be now,
but sometime soon,
you're going to have
to make a decision.
One world includes you,
and the other does not.
And I have missed you.
- You have?
- [Slater] Katya, what the hell?
- We talked about this.
- Yes, we did.
Can I speak to you outside?
Did she give you the pitch?
She's right.
You should join us.
[grunts]
[groans]
But unfortunately,
we don't let dead men join,
so that may hinder
your onboarding process.
[door slams]
This is about to be unpleasant.
[strained grunting]
[suppressed scream]
[breathing heavily]
All right, where am I?
Where am I?
Phone, phone,
where's the phone?
[sighs]
Use the tool you have, I guess.
Why is everybody looking at me?
You're presenting the candidates
for a bunker buster target?
Because you're our
demolitions expert.
- Oh, cool.
- Is she getting worse?
- I mean, could she?
- So it's a helix-type shaped charge
capable of penetrating 30 to
40 feet of reinforced concrete
with enhanced shockwave propagation
through the next hundred.
What kind of facility would
need 40 feet of protection?
We're looking
at nuclear missile sites,
deep mine facilities, NORAD.
[Ray] The problem is,
there's too many of 'em.
So, what, dead end?
Unless we get some kind
of message from God.
[fax machine whirring]
[upbeat jazz music]
[Archer roars, grunts]
[fire extinguisher clangs]
[alarm blaring]
[wind howling]
"Ha! Ha! I'm alive, you dorks!"
[fax machine whirring]
"No thanks to you, as I said, dorks.
I'm going to do this by myself."
Seriously, you're not even
gonna tell us where you are?
Whoo!
[engine revving]
Whoa!
[gunshots]
♪
[Archer grunts]
[engine revs]
[dull thud]
[rider grunts]
[Archer] Whoo-hoo!
[Lana] "Just kidding.
I'm in Sochi.
Meet you here."
[fax machine whirring]
[sighs]
"Dorks."
[gunfire]
Whoo-hoo!
I am eternal!
Whoo!
[plane flying]
[thunder booming]
[dramatic music]
So do we know when the stewardess
is coming by or whenever?
- There is no stewardess.
- Fine. Flight attendant.
We can't fly commercial
because we're not supposed
- to be leaving the country.
- Well, if we pull this off,
maybe they'll let us
continue to exist.
Save the world
to save ourselves.
[door clicks open] Hey, you
all comfortable back here?
- [all] Nope.
- Great, great, great.
Didn't care anyway.
And it's about to get worse.
We'll be coming up over land,
so I'll have to hug the ground
to stay under radar.
Need anything else to hug
while you're at it?
Negative.
- All right.
- So that's her type.
[pilot] But before I do that,
I need to know,
what's that doohickey?
Because if I'm carrying
some kind of chemical agent
or radioactive whatever
over several countries
in violation of international law,
I'd kind of like to know about it.
It might be nothing,
or it might be the thing
that will save us all.
Or it might be
of medium importance.
I'm just gonna stand here
and blink at you
and wait for you
to get less stupid.
- This is the Barry Matrix.
- Uh-huh.
It contains the root consciousness
of the being known as Barry.
OK, I'll bite.
Who's Barry?
- That's me.
- Hi.
Well, I don't want to know
any more about this,
so I'm gonna go back to the cockpit.
One question.
My copilot, does he always
sing when he flies?
He's a real pilot,
and he's flying the plane ♪
Yeah, I think
you make him nervous.
Yeah, well, a lot of this
makes me nervous.
Not you.
That's a cute dress.
- Okey dokey.
- Interesting.
Wait a second,
you still haven't explained
why you had the Barry Matrix.
Well, I can't say exactly,
but I've managed
to piece together some of my
partially destroyed notes.
Apparently, I started taking
night jobs for shady people
- and then drugging myself
- [Lana] Whatever.
None of that matters, OK?
What matters is
[Archer] That I am the
absolute best at everything
and I have defied death itself.
I feel like someone
should sit you down
- and explain hubris to you.
- Like I would listen.
So all that research you guys did,
is there anything near here
that qualifies as a target
for the bunker buster?
There's a few nuclear facilities,
maybe a base or two,
but still too many to be sure.
And if they're trying
to restart the Cold War,
- what would do that?
- Well, let's find out.
Pam, Cyril, Cheryl,
go to that KGB black site
to look for clues.
They likely abandoned it
after Archer escaped.
Secondary objective:
see if you can find my left nipple.
Krieger, figure out how to
get Barry into your prototype.
If Katya's around,
we're gonna need him.
Ray, steal us a car.
Why would you think
I know how to do that?
Because all rednecks
know how to hot-wire cars.
Yeah, 'cause it's so damn fun.
- I'll get you a car.
- And the rest of us?
Sochi is a playground
for Russia's rich.
Archer, Zara, and I
will hit the casino
to see if there are
any dignitaries in town.
Maybe they're going after
important people
to start the Cold War.
- Any questions?
- Yeah.
Is there a reason this safe house
sucks absolute turbo dog shit?
Yeah, uh, we're out of money.
They froze our assets.
I tried to move some out,
but, ugh, obviously,
it wasn't much.
So this is really happening, huh?
- No more us?
- Hey, it's OK, all right?
Uh, let's say theoretically
not that I want this to happen,
but theoretically we lose
and there's another Cold War?
Just another
staring contest, probably.
But wouldn't there be a place
for us in that world?
[dramatic music]
All right, everybody.
Let's fucking go.
[exciting jazz music]
♪
Why did we do it this way?
I'm great at gambling.
Yeah, and I handle the money.
[laughs]
This sucks so much for you.
- Um, you're here too.
- Oh, right.
Spread out, ding-dongs.
[Lana]
And make it last, all right?
We're here to look
for intel, not gamble.
Ooh, with these minimums,
we might not last long.
Are you kidding me? Gambling
is one of the many things
I'm literally the best in the world at.
[dice clatter] No, no, no!
These dice are loaded!
I demand an independent arbiter!
I didn't want to play anyway!
[chips clatter]
All right, this is your home, Cyril.
Papers in an office.
This is where you shine and
ah, what do you know?
There's the nipple.
Because this is all I need.
My luck is turning,
and it is palpable, my friends.
I've never felt so alive!
Did you, uh, forget
that she's a gambling addict?
- You know what? I did.
- Oh, well. Let's go to the bar.
[Cyril] Hey, think I got
something here.
Found a name
with background info.
Looks like our target.
Nice work, Cyril.
Meet back at the entrance.
I've got one more room
to sweep.
- Hey, buddy.
- Uh, hi?
Mm, I assume you are
Archer comrade, yes?
I was actually just leaving.
Oh, that's too bad.
You actually were not.
We will reconvene tomorrow for
our vote on private spy agencies.
And may they be wiped
from this Earth.
Isn't he supposed
to be impartial?
I think that is the
impartial view at this point.
So what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna finish this mission.
What are you gonna do?
Well, I'm gonna finish
this drink.
[gulps, exhales heavily]
- All right, let's go find Zara.
- [Lana] What's this?
I don't know.
I haven't even read it.
"Sterling, I figured you'd escape,
so I planted this on you.
"It is for the best.
Slater would have killed you.
"But I want you to return
to me, help me kill Slater,
"and we will run
Silverwolf together.
Partners, spies, lovers for good."
That was
more than I expected.
Oh, come on, you're not
actually considering that.
Of course I'm considering
it, Lana. I just heard it.
That's what brains do
when you hear something,
especially when you've
just been offered
everything you want in life.
Archer, you'd really
make the world worse
- so it was better for you?
- Who says it'd be worse?
Deep down, I know
you would never do that.
Well, deep down, you've always
thought too highly of me.
- I am gonna go get Zara.
- Tell her I said hi.
- [dealer] Blackjack, for the lady.
- Go on, have it!
Suck it! Suck it!
Suck it!
Come, we go.
Place is going to blow up soon
to eliminate evidence.
[both grunt]
I do not like to fight lady.
[grunts]
But since you insist,
did I ever tell you how
I become KGB enforcer?
We literally just met.
I was in gulag in Siberia
for, mm, series of crime.
Warden of prison went insane.
He opened all
the cell doors and said,
one man will walk out
of this prison alive.
And I was that man.
[chuckles]
This is gonna be good.
- [both grunt]
- Whoo-hoo!
Excuse me, miss. We would
be honored if you'd join us
in our high-roller room.
- Let's do it, baby.
- Uh, I'm with her.
Whoa, this is, like, every
military attaché and negotiator
in every Chinese and Russian
briefing book I ever had.
Can I?
Oh, oh, oh, can I?
You did good, kid.
Go gamble.
[Zara] Let's roll them bones.
OK, let's see.
So we know
who they're targeting,
but how do we find out
where they're targeting?
I I could plant a bug.
Maybe I steal a
chauffeur's uniform. Or
[burps]
[electricity buzzing]
[Pam grunts]
[Boris groans]
[Pam grunts]
Hey, I
I don't want to fight no more.
[exhales heavily]
Me neither.
OK?
We stop on three, OK?
- One
- Two
[both] Three.
Huh, I guess we could've just
always done that.
- Da.
- Let's get the hell out of here.
Well, hello there.
[general groaning]
[snapping fingers]
Hey. Hey, you.
I would like to have sex
with you.
Give me the phone number
of where you are staying.
[Zara] No! This is the
greatest streak in history.
It can't end now.
Just give me one more chip.
One more chip.
[beeping]
[explosion]
[all grunting]
- Was that me?
- No, that was me.
Oh, OK.
Do I know him?
[Lana] Archer? Archer?
Archer.
Archer!
[sighs]
God damn it.
[Lana] Gregaro Ivanovidovich
He's our guy.
Structural engineering professor
who also designed the Sochi dam
that opened last year.
So they're gonna use this guy
plus the bunker buster
to, what, blow up the dam?
Sure looks that way.
Kill the Chinese and Russian
delegations with it.
Hey, what about
that phone number you got
from the Russian general?
Well, if we stop Silverwolf
from taking the professor,
we'll have the credibility
for the Russians
and the Chinese
to actually believe us.
So they want to kill
the Russians and the Chinese
and blame America?
And I bet Slater knows
exactly how to do that.
- [all groan]
- [Cheryl] Jesus.
Shit, Ray, think you could've
stolen a car with actual shocks?
Well, I couldn't exactly
give it a test-drive,
- you ungrateful
- [all groan]
- Ah. So where's Archer?
- I don't know.
He got a letter from Katya. I
I think
- You think he's been compromised?
- No way. No way.
I mean some way.
[chuckles]
We can't assume
anything right now.
We're gonna have
to do this without him.
Hey, let's not
get distracted, team.
Let's just grab Gregaro
before Silverwolf does.
Oh-ho, sure.
Just gonna slide
right into his spot, huh, Zara?
Oh, lay off. It's not like
he never abandoned us before.
After Katya died?
Come on!
- Give the guy a break.
- OK, now I'm confused.
[all talking at once]
It doesn't matter!
What matters is that we do
our jobs and save the world,
and that's only gonna happen
if we stick together.
- [all groan]
- God damn it, Ray!
[clears throat]
Who here speaks English?
[gun cocking]
[Zara] Wow.
Thanks, cultural imperialism.
We're here to prevent
a kidnapping. Pam, Zara.
Um, it sure seems like
you are kidnapping me.
We're really not.
I would like to emphasize that we
are definitely not kidnapping him.
We are taking him
to a safe, secret location.
Sounds like kidnapping.
So there's important
but subtle differences
between what we're doing
and kidnapping,
and, obviously, I don't have time
to go into those in the middle of
- what looks like a kidnapping.
- Thank you, everyone.
Have a good night.
[door slams]
Hey, I don't want to jinx it,
but all in all, not that hard.
[explosion]
[gunfire]
Oh, damn.
That's really smart.
- What?
- We're part of the plan.
Oh, crap, the Americans
just kidnapped him,
and then they take him from us.
So wait.
Who are these people?
- The actual kidnappers.
- So more of you guys?
I already almost explained this.
Alley, that way.
Move it.
[gunfire]
[dramatic music]
[Cyril gasps] What now?
[guns cocking]
[tires screeching]
[Silverwolf goons grunt]
Get in!
[gunfire]
[tires squealing]
I'd like you all to know
that this goes against
- every instinct I have.
- That is so sweet.
So you chose
the lame-ass world.
No.
I chose you guys.
Look out!
[Katya grunts]
♪
[all grunting and groaning]
I am sorry that it
worked out this way.
But the next time I see you,
I'm going to kill you all.
[hook whooshing]
So just to circle back, I
I read your letter.
Is it too late to change sides?
What?
This is the best moment of my life!
That is wildly out of context.
This is why no one
trusts the UN.
Consider his face
as you cast your vote
to outlaw private spying.
A man in wanton disregard
of the international order,
beholden only to himself
and his own twisted ego.
Oh, and now you're
complimenting me?
- Not looking great here.
- What, the fact that we're all
about to be unemployable
or the mission?
So since you brought up
the mission
Well, at least you're not a vacuum
strapped to a jack-off machine.
Hey, some people would pay
big money for that.
Me!
I'm that people.
Don't you have some kind
of more appropriate
- attire for me?
- I mean, yeah, if you want that.
Whoa, so is that a spy suit
or a gimp suit?
Dealer's choice.
To review:
Slater and his old-ass spies
want to blow up the dam,
killing a bunch
of Russians and Chinese.
Then he'll blame it on the U.S.
and restart the Cold War,
because he thinks it's better
to run into the past
- than face the future.
- Can't we just tell the dam?
Slater's been calling in bomb
threats for the last six months,
so everyone
just ignores them now.
God, it sucks so much that he's
actually clever sometimes.
Archer, Zara, Ray, you'll go
in posing as dam inspectors.
Infiltrate, locate,
and defuse that bomb.
And is there a plan to defeat
the undefeatable death robot?
[Krieger]
The Barry prototype!
I'll just need a massive power
surge to jump his mind in there.
So we'll hook him up
to one of the dam's turbines.
Then I will become invincible.
Not if you're still wearing that.
- Mm. That bum, though.
- What about me?
Lot to be said for your bum too.
Pam, you and Cyril
will be team two.
Now, it's not on any map,
but there's a shantytown
that's right in the path
of the water.
You need to convince them
to evacuate.
Oh, come on!
Why me?
I want to do the shooty stuff.
I know it sucks, but you're
the only one everyone likes.
Yeah, it's not like
they're gonna listen to Cyril.
- Hey. I have useful skills.
- Like what, catching strays?
If we can pull this off,
maybe the UN doesn't ban us.
Look, what's most important
is making the world a better place,
which is what we have
been doing all along.
- All along what?
- [crying]
Hey. Hey, everyone.
Relax, OK?
Look, I feel for you guys.
Not everyone
has a skill set like me,
you know, able to thrive solo
in literally any situation.
And thank you
for that compelling summary
- of your dickfaceitude.
- Guys, it's over.
Did you think you were gonna do
this dubiously legal job
for the rest of your lives?
Just be like me, the fully
actualized person who's able
to express my feelings
by doing terrible things
to some presumably
bad guy's body!
Lana, briefing. Finish.
[groans]
There is no tactical retreat here.
So if we can get inside
with the disguises, great.
If we can't, these will
uncomplicate things very quickly.
Wait, how did you know
to bring that?
Damn it, Archer.
After all this time,
can you finally admit
I am good at my goddamn job?
No.
But it's a soft no.
Come on, that's progress!
[sneaky music]
♪
[Archer over radio]
Dam Team in position.
Team Shantytown, report.
[Cyril] Can we have
a cooler name, like Team
Nope. Here we go.
One shot, or it's our last mission.
[Archer over radio]
In any number of ways.
And on that cheerful note,
it's go time.
Surprise dam inspection team,
under UN safety orders.
We're gonna need access
to the facility.
[doors slam]
- I'm sorry, what?
- Are you challenging us?
Look, I know people
see us at the UN
as dull, incompetent clods.
But we also happen to be
tremendous assholes.
No, it's not that.
Another team of inspectors
arrived an hour ago.
And these inspectors, hottest
Russian woman you've ever seen
and the world's biggest douche?
- He insulted my shoes
and implied I had relations
with a reindeer.
[dart gun fires]
[gurgling]
[gunfire]
- Warn us before you do that!
- I totally cocked an eyebrow.
[Pam] So nonverbally tell them
they're all about to die?
No, but we don't want to get
into a whole back-and-forth.
It might get hostile.
So you are here
to tell us we must go?
[Cyril] Oh, thank goodness.
This is such a relief.
We thought that this
would be difficult, but
[tense music]
we can see that it won't be because
we would never ask you to leave.
[chuckling] Cargo shorts, nice.
Lots of storage in those
bad boys, am I right?
[gunfire]
[Archer grunts]
Lana, if you've got
some kind of secret plan,
now is probably the time.
- Cheryl, execute.
- What? Who is this?
[laughs] Just kidding.
[screams]
[alarm blaring]
All right, you've got
a window without police.
Cheryl's running distraction
and hopefully not killing anyone.
I'd say may God have mercy
on their souls,
but what kind of god
would create Cheryl?
Gaze upon me!
Hey, guys, be careful
when you leave.
There's glass everywhere
for some reason.
[both grunt]
Quick, get Barry up and running!
Yeah, give me
that unimaginable power.
Bring the rain of pain.
[laughs maniacally]
What?
No. I'm cool.
- I'm cool.
- Uh-huh.
[grunts]
Please, I must implore you.
No, you mustn't.
Because she can snap
your pencil neck
like, well, a pencil, I guess.
[metallic creak]
Now, that's not a pencil,
but I think the idea translates.
[person over radio] Terrorists
have taken the turbine hall.
Do not engage.
Well, I was wondering
when those dorks
would make
their doomed stupid gesture.
Katya, bring them to me!
Uh, as a request and not an order,
because we are equal partners.
Man, you can take
the unkillable murder bot
out of the woman,
but you can't take the woman
out of the unkillable murder bot.
Am I right?
We built this dam with our hands.
Our great achievement.
We love it and never wish
to be away from it.
That is all very reasonable.
Well, I guess
we should go, Pam.
Reasonable?
When that dam comes down,
you'll all be reasonably dead.
[door bangs]
[Archer] Come on, Krieger!
Look, man, this surge is gonna
blow out the Barry matrix.
So if you die after this,
you die, die.
Do it.
[electricity crackling]
[explosion]
He's alive. Alive!
[cackles]
[high-pitched]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[splat]
- Krieger!
- What? I said it was a prototype.
[Katya]
I told you not to get involved.
No, You told us if you
saw us again, you'd kill us.
Not a helpful clarification.
You know Slater's
gonna betray you, right?
Even if he doesn't have a reason.
Just out of inherent dickishness.
But for now, he's a useful dick.
As you were once, my Sterling.
Barry?
What happened to you?
Well, first I turned evil.
Then I killed you. [sighs]
Then you were my girlfriend.
Then I died.
Then there was a bunch of me.
Then I got split into good and evil,
and then I was a refrigerator
and killed evil me.
And now
I'm gonna kick your ass, I think.
[yells]
[grunts]
Oof.
Like, seriously.
Oof, guys.
- Damn it, Krieger.
- Oh, sorry the sentient robot
I built in defiance of God
isn't up to your standards, Ray.
[all grunting]
[dramatic music]
[Ray] Hyah!
- Oh, robot legs. Right.
- Kick pants!
♪
Zara, get out of here.
Get to Lana.
I am not leaving a fight.
God damn it,
I never lose, obviously.
But this isn't looking great.
So find Lana and do what she says.
Ag because
she's the smart one.
How much personal growth
do you need? Go!
Had to pick this moment
to be noble, huh?
Yeah, I already regret it,
but I have a plan.
Ray, grab this cable.
We'll zap her when she gets out.
Hey, quick heads-up.
Those aren't electrified anymore.
♪
And we're from a private spy company,
and there is a bomb
planted in the dam!
We've heard
bomb threats before.
And how would you
know that anyway?
'Cause we're the ones who maybe
accidentally gave it to them.
Wait, you are the guys from Rio!
I saw you on TV.
Y'all have a TV here?
Is it behind the squalor?
[chuckles] We've got more than that.
Let me show you something.
[Cyril] Jeezy Petes.
- [grunts]
- Ha!
Welcome to a world of pa
Ow!
[high-pitched ringing]
[all grunting]
[Barry yells]
Yeah! Go, tiny Barry!
Yeah, please don't
call me that, OK?
Get off!
Ugh!
[grunts]
Oh!
- Ooh!
- Oh, my God!
Ow. Oh, man.
Oh, no, man.
That's not good.
I-I don't suppose those
are the red eyes of love
you're looking at me with.
[Pam] Holy shitsnacks,
you're stealing power
- from the dam to mine crypto?
- They owe us.
We cannot just leave this all behind.
Well, that's all great,
but you're all gonna die
if you don't leave.
Without this,
what is out there for us?
There's something better
out there.
You've got to believe that.
You've done incredible work here,
maybe the most important work
of your lives.
But maybe, just maybe
it isn't.
And how great would it be
if it isn't
and the best is still out there?
- Oh, my God.
- Hey, uh, do I have
- to be here for this?
- Shh!
If I get your money out, can you
convince your people to get out?
You can do that?
I happen to be
a kick-ass accountant.
- Unlicensed.
- Look, if you can do that,
we will give you guys a cut.
[Lana over radio] Pam,
I've lost contact with Archer.
- What?
- [Lana] I need you to
Don't worry.
Aunt Pammy's coming.
Find me a back way
into that place.
And get me some wheels.
[exciting music]
Pampaaaage!
♪
- [Barry grunts]
- [Archer] I can't believe
- you're doing this.
- What?
Tying you up is really
the established move here.
Not that, the dam.
You're really gonna wipe out
a whole village?
What village?
There's no village.
We're just going to kill
a bunch of old generals.
The world should thank us.
It's not gonna be on the map
because it's a squatter
town of workers who built the dam.
- Slater, there's a village?
- Oh, come on.
[electricity crackles]
[groans]
Look, betrayal is a subtle art,
and you guys are just really
messing up my timing here.
Though I guess that's all
water under the bridge.
Or, you know,
over your lifeless corpses.
- I can't move.
- Yeah, well, perils
of having a switch
that does that, honey.
Slater, why are you
even doing this?
How does the Cold War help you?
Come on, I've been
preparing this for years.
I've got moles
planted everywhere.
I'll be selling information both
ways, undermining governments.
Everything goes through me.
I am the new world order.
OK, so enjoy exploding.
- Yeah, well, I'm not gonna.
- Really?
It's the last comeback
of your life
and that's all you've got?
[sighs]
That actually makes me
a little sad, but
and immediately happy again.
♪
[door bangs]
- Where is everyone?
- Still inside.
It wasn't looking good,
so Archer sent me up here.
What?
We have to go get them.
Lana, wait.
That's not why he sent me.
Didn't you say making
the world a better place
- was most important?
- What? Come on, I just said that!
I didn't think
it would actually come up!
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but trust him,
because he trusts you.
- What's the plan?
- OK, all right.
We set up an ambush.
If the dam breaks,
they don't want to be down,
so they're gonna go up.
Stop Slater. Get the detonator.
Prevent the Cold War.
I'm in.
Ugh, I just wish
we had some backup.
We do.
Cheryl?
[laughs]
Lana, stop dicking around.
Could you imagine if Cheryl
was the only backup at
oh, shit, you're serious.
[Barry grunts]
No, no.
It doesn't end like this.
[yells]
[grunts]
[helicopter rotors whirring]
[grunting]
♪
[grunting]
[laughing maniacally]
♪
[Barry grunting]
Sorry, guys.
I can't make it.
I got you, little fella.
Pam!
Ugh, don't call me that.
[laughs maniacally]
Ooh!
♪
[engine revs]
[explosion]
[all grunt]
♪
Ow!
That really hurt.
[gunshot]
Stupid ground.
[laughs] God damn it, Pam.
Why are you always the best?
Why don't you ask your face?
♪
- Barry, I'm so sorry.
- Hey, babe.
You look really big.
[dart guns firing]
[grunts]
[gunfire]
A bit outgunned here.
- Cover me!
- Cover you? Cover you where?
[Lana grunts]
[Cyril groans]
[laughs]
I did it!
I really did it!
Whoo-hoo!
- Now let's get the hell out of here.
- Oh, right, death!
Barry, hold on to my CPU.
[grunts]
[electricity crackling]
[yells]
[explosion]
[grunts]
[Katya and Barry] We have
merged our consciousness.
Now witness the true power
of Katbar.
- [Katya] Left.
- [Barry] No, no. I'm leading.
- [Katya] Left, then right.
- [Barry] I'm leading.
This is like the worst
three-legged race of all time.
[grunts] Slater, you are gonna
give me that detonator,
or I'm gonna pull your trachea out
through your dick hole!
[Slater laughs]
Detonator?
You think there's a detonator?
What am I, an amateur?
Jesus, Lana.
You use detonators
when you want there to be
an option to explode or not.
You use a timer when you
[explosion]
[muffled explosion]
[concrete cracking]
[dramatic music]
♪
[phone ringing]
That sound you just heard
was the dam bursting.
Get everyone out now!
No, I'm not a lady.
[water rushing]
[Lana grunts, screams]
Hasn't this guy
ever heard of a buffer
- on his goddamn time bomb?
- Ah, don't worry.
I'll tell everyone
how I tried to stop you.
Enjoy prison, buddy.
You used the "enjoy" line
already, Slater!
- Archer, don't do it.
- Who would I be if I didn't?
Besides, you know I'm the best
when saving the world
happens to coincide
with being super petty.
[yells]
[grunts]
[blows landing]
[groans]
[grunting]
[concrete cracking]
Goodbye, Archer.
No!
I hate goodbyes!
[concrete crumbles]
[Slater grunts]
Help me!
[chuckles]
Why would I do that?
[Slater] Because I know
- who your father is.
- [Archer] What?
What, you don't think the CIA
ever ran your DNA
through our database?
I-I mean, that does accord
with my sense
of my own importance.
I looked it up and deleted it.
I'm the only one who knows.
I did it for leverage.
God, it sucks
that you're clever sometimes!
Hey, if you don't save me,
you'll never know
your father's identity.
[concrete crumbles]
♪
Slater, turns out,
I don't need to know.
Oh, that is such horseshiiiiit!
But hey, enjoy falling.
Hey, Slater, now I'm your daddy!
Ha! Wait, no, didn't say that.
No one heard it.
It was the "enjoy" line
and then nothing.
That's what ended it.
That's all I said.
And the final tally:
172 to 21.
Private spy agencies are outlawed.
[applause over TV]
God damn it.
[all groan]
[clears throat]
Uh, little surprise for you all.
We got a cut
of that shantytown's crypto,
and we're all millionaires!
[all cheer]
[phone beeps]
What? No!
Sell.
Sell, sell, sell!
[sighs] Well, we we all
have a little bit of money.
- All right.
- Hooray.
OK, here's my pitch.
We use your money
to fund my research
to colonize the moon
with werewolves.
Think about it.
The moon is always full there.
- Ooh. I'm liking it.
- You are the biggest bunch
of undisciplined, petty weirdos
I have ever met.
And, my God,
it has been an honor.
- Thousand pound this is a bull's-eye.
- Make it five! [belches]
Ow!
Damn it, Zara!
- [laughs]
- [Zara] Yes! That counts!
Guys. Guys!
Hey, jackasses!
OK, sorry.
Sorry, that was harsh.
I just wanted to say
that, you know,
we did something
really good today.
And yeah, we fucked up before a lot.
But we've done a lot of good too.
And and maybe we all gave up
a lot of stuff to do it,
you know, like
like normal lives and
healthy relationships
and not having all these scars.
But the thing is,
I'm proud of these scars.
I'm proud of us.
And I know Malory would be too.
But you know what?
Life is not over yet, OK?
You guys are gonna do
great new things
you haven't even thought of.
And and so am I.
And I'm trying really hard
to convince myself
of that right now, but I
I really think I believe it.
And you should too.
'Cause I love you guys, all of you.
And you deserve all of the happiness
this fucked-up world can give you.
[crying]
[all talking at once]
[Krieger]
I would miss you guys so much
if I didn't have clones
of all of you.
Hey, Archer,
what are you gonna
- Archer?
- Where'd he go?
[somber music]
[Katya and Archer moaning]
[springs squeaking]
- [Katya] Oh, Sterling.
- [Archer] Oh. Oh, Katya.
It's even better
than I imagined.
[Katya moans]
[Barry] This is mind-blowing.
I mean, wow.
Barry, I'm gonna need you
to stop talking.
- Oh, but it's so different.
- Stop talking!
[springs squeaking]
OK, start talking again.
That was actually
really working for me.
[all moaning]
- [Barry] Whoa-ho! Oh, yeah!
- [Archer] Oh!
[mellow jazzy music]
♪
[elevator bell dings]
Not sure what you're looking
for, but we're closed.
Oh, I'm looking for you,
Ms. Kane.
Have you seen
Sterling Archer recently?
[chuckles] Have you?
He disappeared after Sochi.
I hear he's been on quite
the tear of rogue espionage.
Yes, well, we were hoping
you might help us with that.
And "we" is?
I represent a new joint
CIA-MI6 coordinating group.
Private spying
may be a thing of the past,
but the world's still
a complicated place.
Sometimes flexible solutions
are needed.
- That's who "we" is.
- So private spying is dead,
but sometimes you need
someone nonpublic.
Precisely! And Mr. Archer
is a problem for us.
Ha, try having a kid with him.
We can't have him
out there freelancing.
Too chaotic, too messy.
No sense of perspective.
- So you've come to me.
- One job.
We don't care how long it takes.
Generous stipend,
rotating diplomatic covers,
sizable bonus upon completion.
- Just bring in Sterling Archer.
- I'll think about it.
We'd expect nothing less, Ms. Kane.
[person giggles]
Don't worry, Mom.
I got him.
[Lana] Very funny, AJ.
How was the zoo?
Mom, it was amazing!
I saw an elephant.
We had cotton candy.
- Dad got me a
- Shh! Let it be a surprise.
Uh-oh.
Do you two need to talk?
I'll go wait in the car.
[giggles]
Well, you better be able
to live off that stipend,
because you're never
bringing me in.
- Oh, dream on, buddy.
- Could be fun, though.
Cat and mouse for years.
Glimpses in the corridor.
Imagine the erotic possibilities.
- Ugh.
- Then it's settled.
- Visits with AJ are off-limits?
- Oh, obviously.
Here's to a suspense-filled
three days before I catch you.
[somber music]
Well, got to head back
to the shadows.
[sighs]
- It was quite the thing, wasn't it?
- Right?
[sighs]
Hey, Lana, I, um
about us
I'm really gonna miss
hearing what you
what you think about stuff.
[sighs] Couldn't have
said that ten years ago?
Asshole.
- Oh, and, Lana?
- Yeah?
Like I said, AJ and I
went to the zoo,
and, uh, you should probably
buy a gibbon cage.
[sighs]
God damn it.
♪
[elevator bell dings]
Lana, I got your message
Archer?
What are you doing here?
And where the hell do you
get off not saying goodbye?
Well, Pam, I hate goodbyes.
And I knew I'd see you again.
So, what, you pretended to be Lana
and called me here to apologize?
Pfft, no, it's just that I've
been out there on my own
and it's it's not sustainable.
No one to watch my back.
What happened to thriving solo
in literally any situation?
Eh, I might have been wrong.
You want in? High danger.
Not a lot of money.
Just get in the goddamn elevator.
- So where to?
- Tangier.
- What we got there?
- Not a fucking clue.
[elevator bell dings]
Perfect.
♪