It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s14e09 Episode Script

1 DENNIS: My God, for the love of God, there's two more of 'em.
FRANK: I mean, it's giving me indigestion.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, man.
- MAC: I'm tired of looking at it.
CHARLIE: And where are they even coming from, dude? It's that new salon that opened up down the street.
I thought it was gonna be good for business, - but this is hard to look at.
- DEE: I don't even understand - why you guys give a shit.
- Why do we give a shit? - Yeah.
- These women have mutilated themselves, Dee.
It's an abomination.
Once you go down that road, it's, you there's no turning back.
It's just, like, the dumbest hat, too, like A hat? Are you talking about their hair? That's hair? Oh, my I thought that was, like, a little comedy hat or something.
That's their actual hair Why would anyone do that? MAC: Wait a second.
Poppins? - Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God, it's Poppins! [LAUGHS.]
Poppins! He came back! My dog came back! How the hell is that dog still alive? Yeah, Mac, why don't you just put that poor thing out of its misery? Put him down? What, are you crazy? This is my dog, Dee.
I love him.
DEE: Well, he doesn't love you.
Comes around every three or four years, eats a bunch of batteries or whatever, takes a giant dump on the floor, and then leaves again.
Dee, Poppins comes and goes as he pleases 'cause that's his right as a male.
- FRANK: Mm.
- Right? - Women are never gonna get that.
- They'll never get it.
Yep.
We are hunter-gatherers, Dee.
And if we decide to leave, we're gonna leave.
- Yeah, 'cause that's nature.
That's tradition.
- That's bullshit.
Traditional roles are ridiculous, and they're made up by men.
If I want to have a baby and then abandon that baby, I have the right to do that.
- Oh - A woman abandoning her child? - DENNIS: Yeah, that's awful, Dee.
- FRANK: That's cheap.
And it's not natural.
You know what I mean? Like those haircuts.
I mean, they that's traditionally a man's look.
Women can't just adopt it.
You know? I mean, look, it's one thing for, like, a 60-year-old art critic to do it, but, I mean, these are young, sexually viable women making themselves no longer sexually attractive to me, and that upsets the natural balance of things.
- Mm.
- DEE: What? No.
If women want to get short, ugly, lesbian haircuts, then they deserve to do that because it's their body and, therefore, their choice.
Oh, you're gonna make it about that? You know what? Killing babies is wrong, Dee, and God forbids it.
FRANK [GROANS.]
: Oh, God.
Here comes another one.
- [BURPS.]
- [GROANS.]
It's too much! - - MAC: [SIGHS.]
I'm telling you, man, something is wrong with Poppins.
His belly's all big.
I've never seen him so run-down.
I mean, it's not like he's never been sick before.
You remember the time he drank an entire pot of coffee? - That wasn't good.
- No, this is different, dude.
- Yeah.
- This is Look, check this out.
[AIR HORN BLOWS.]
- Oh, yeah.
That's not good.
- Nothing.
Nothing.
- I mean, it's just like - [AIR HORN BLOWING.]
Where'd you get the air horn? Oh, I-I picked it up at the hardware store - when you were grabbing coffee.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Why? I want to jump-start Poppins's system.
You know? But it's not working.
Maybe if I do it longer? - I'll do it super long, huh? - Uh, you know what? - What if I feed him my coffee, right? - Mm-hmm.
Yep.
You blast him with the air horn, a-and that might wake him up.
Oh, and maybe I'll scream into the other ear.
Okay, yeah.
Give it a whirl.
Please don't.
Oh, uh, am I not doing it right? Do you want to give it a go? Uh, no, I don't.
And, yes, you're doing it correctly, I just prefer you not feed your dog coffee and blow an air horn repeatedly into its ear canal.
Hey, look, if that doesn't make this dog less sleepy, - nothing's gonna.
- Well, to be clear, uh, sleepiness is not Poppins' problem.
- Oh, no.
Is it a tumor? - [EXHALES.]
If it's not, could you say it in that really funny Arnold Schwarzenegger voice that's, like, so funny? - [ACCENT.]
: "It's not a tumor.
" - You know what I mean? And that always, like Yeah.
- "It's not a tumor.
" - It's funny when he says it, too.
[REGULAR ACCENT.]
: Unless it is a tumor, - and then it's not gonna be funny.
- Is it? Well, uh, there's good news and there's bad news.
Right? Uh, the good news is that Poppins is pregnant.
Wait.
Poppins is a girl? Oh, you didn't know your dog was a female? Oh, nah, I-I could never get underneath that hind leg - to check.
- You don't want to try to get under Poppins.
I mean, one time I tried to give him a belly scratch - and he bit my thumbnail clean off.
- He's a monster.
- Uh, "she.
" - Say what now? - Huh? "She-She's a monster.
" I can't believe that Poppins is gonna be a father.
- A mother.
- What? - A mother? - He is? Hmm Okay.
Uh, do you two not understand gender? - No, I mean - Well, - we don't really do gender at our bar anymore.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like, gender's so, like, old school.
- Like, I-I don't identify - Um, I'm so sorry to tell you, uh, the bad news, is that given Poppins' advanced age, I'm afraid that she most likely will not survive the delivery.
- He won't? - Again, she.
And, uh, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
: I-I don't think I've ever seen a dog this old.
It's a miracle that she was even able to get pregnant, so when she gives birth, she will most likely die.
Well, you got to kill those babies, then.
- [INHALES.]
Uh - What? Dude, what the hell? I thought you were all pro-life and everything.
I am, but this is different.
This affects me.
Uh, I'm so sorry, but we don't perform that procedure here.
We can talk to a, like, a doctor, not a nurse.
That's a good idea.
Do you have any doctors here? - Let's go.
- I'm a Let's go.
We'll go find a man.
Okay.
DENNIS: Got some information for you.
- You're gonna want this information.
- Great hair.
Keep the hair - the way it is.
- Very important information, honestly.
- Keep your hair the way it is.
It's really great.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Oh Hi! - Hi G-Going the wrong way.
- You going in here to get the Yeah.
- I was.
Check this out: um, uh, did you know that hair only grows about six inches over the course of an entire year? Did you realize that? Isn't that mind-blowing? - Think about that for a second.
You know? - Mm.
Here.
Grab that for me, if you will.
- Oh, my.
- Yeah, it's something else.
- You can't get your hair cut.
You don't want to do that.
- Um, now I'll tell you something.
With luxurious locks like yours, it could take, oh, - three, four years to grow back to its current length.
Yeah.
- Yeah, if it ever grows back.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- Well, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
If that doesn't convince you, there's more.
Um Listen, are you familiar with the television series Felicity, - starring Keri Russell? Yeah.
- Yes.
Mm-hmm.
- Well, this is Keri Russell right here.
- Beautiful.
- Look at her.
Beautiful.
Gorgeous.
- Beautiful girl.
Yeah, gorgeous.
- Yep.
- Millions of adoring fans, hit television show, you know, and then she went and did this.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- Look at that.
Oh, God.
- What a mess.
- Shocking, isn't it? - Still pretty.
With this one tragic decision, Keri Russell a-alienated all of her fans, she got her show canceled, - and, man, she was never heard of ever again.
- [BELCHING.]
Yeah, but Keri Russell works all the time.
Yeah, now, does she still play women? Look, leave me alone, creep.
- Probably in a cape or something.
- Well, no, no, hold on.
You're about to make a huge mistake, lady.
- You don't want to do this.
Man.
- Hey.
- She got in.
- What is this? What are you guys doing? - One got away.
- We let her go.
- Well, Dee, we are educating the public is what we're doing.
- We're trying to help these women.
- Oh, my God.
Will you please leave these poor women alone? They're clearly bored and lonely and-and-and needing to do something extreme in order to make themselves feel special.
Listen.
Take this one for example.
You don't get a monkey cut like that unless you're broken inside.
I'm sorry.
Are you talking to me? No, sweetie, I'm talking about you.
I'm using you as an example.
I support your choice to look like whatever kind of primate or simian species you choose, because it is your choice.
Okay? You know what? Go full baboon, girl.
I support you.
No.
Dee, Dee, you're not being rational.
Can you at least acknowledge the fact that men should have some say in what women do with their hair? I mean, for Christ's sakes, we're the ones that have to look at it all day! No, Dennis.
I won't acknowledge that.
You have no say.
In fact, you know what? - I'm gonna get the haircut.
- [BELCHING.]
Don't do it, Dee.
You're gonna, you're gonna look hideous.
I know I will.
I don't have the face or the body to support a haircut like that, but I'm gonna do it anyway, because I can.
Because I choose to, and there's nothing you can do about it.
- You don't do it.
- Excuse me.
You do not do it.
You go back to the bar.
I command you! Dee.
You're not being serious enough.
- Oh - One monkey cut, please! FRANK: Oh, God.
You you bitch.
CHARLIE: Yeah, so, what we'd like you to do is kill the dog puppies, if you could.
[WHISPERS.]
: Hey.
Don't-don't say "kill," though.
Uh, sorry, murder them, if possible? - Say, uh Uh, no, say, uh - Uh, sorry, my friend has a - "terminate the embryos.
" - To terminate - Yeah, so if you could terminate the puppies' embryos? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know what? Come on.
Let me just-let me - Uh-huh.
Sorry.
- Hang on one second.
My friend wants to talk to you.
- Yeah.
I'll do it.
Yes, hi.
Yes, we-we need you to perform this dog abortion, and if you don't, my dog is gonna die.
And he-he-he's not gonna be able to survive the Yes, I'm-I'm aware that a boy dog can't have puppies.
- What's with this? I - I Yes.
Look, it's a little bit confusing because he used to be Look, there was a transition at some point, all right? - He had a sex change.
- We see past gender at our bar.
And I don't They hung up.
- That's the tenth one.
- You know what? The problem is we-we can't get any doctors on the phone.
- I know.
- You know? You're always talking to a secretary.
- I know, it's just - Puts you on the phone with some other female secretary, - and it's like - And honestly, I tune them out, because I can't they get so high up in the register.
- Yeah.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
She's gone too far! She has no idea of the ramifications of what her actions [BELCHING.]
CHARLIE: Whoa.
Frankie.
- Take it easy, buddy.
Your valve's getting all worked up.
- [MUTTERS.]
- That's not good.
- [GRUNTING.]
Hey, your valve's acting up You know what? Here, here eat some cat food.
- Come on, settle down.
- [STAMMERS.]
You-you got to get that valve down, man.
- You got to calm that down, all right? - Okay - Neutralize it out with the cat food.
- Let me have it.
All right, walk me through what's happening here.
- It's Dee.
- Yeah? Yeah, she's gonna do it.
She's gonna cut her hair off.
[BELCHING.]
: Dennis put me in charge of making sure she doesn't go through with this madness.
Ooh, Frankie, that valve is bad, man.
That is backed up.
- You-you drinking enough beer, bud? - No.
Okay.
Let-Let's get you another beer - or something.
- Let me have a brew, and pop me another can of this cat food.
- It's working.
- Yeah.
We got to settle that valve down, buddy.
[WHOOPS.]
Hey, Frank, you know anybody that'll do a dog abortion? Yeah, I got a guy.
Yeah.
There you go.
Take a look.
You seriously want to buy me a car as long as I don't cut my hair? Yeah, and we should look at the convertibles.
I want the wind blowing through those long, beautiful locks of yours.
- This is ridiculous.
- No, it's not.
This has nothing to do with a haircut and everything to do with you controlling my body.
It's got everything to do with a haircut, Deandra.
Look at this.
What is this? FRANK: That's me when I was young.
I was like Samson.
I had hair down to my butt crack.
I looked like a Greek god.
You look like a bridge troll.
Well, the point is, I cut it all off.
I-I needed the money and I read an ad for a toupee company that said they would give good money for real hair, so I bought in.
But I shaved it all off to the nub.
It never grew back.
And-and, plus, when I think about it, I get a [BELCHES.]
pain in my stomach and I gastronomical.
- Oh, God.
- And I burp.
That's not how hair works.
Or gastrointestinal tracts.
I want to show you something else.
What? FRANK: There it is.
There what is, Frank? FRANK: That's my old hair.
He-He's given it a good home.
He takes care of it.
Probably better than I would've taken care of it myself.
- Wha? - I come by time to time to check it out, see how it's doing.
DEE: Oh, my God.
FRANK: Ah, here he comes.
Don't-don't say anything, because I don't want to make it feel bad.
- Hey, how are you? - Hey, here's my guy.
- Hi.
How you doing? - How you doing, Frankie? - Good to see you.
- Very nice to see you.
I love this guy.
He's bought, like, five cars off of me.
- You know? - I hope you're using that money for high-end shampoos and conditioners.
[LAUGHS.]
: S Always with the shampoo jokes.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
Uh, so, anyway, you here to buy something today? - Yes.
Yeah.
- No! No.
I-I you're not buying me a car, Frank.
You can't control me with your cars and your threats of male pattern [BELCHES.]
: baldness.
That-that was an unrelated burp.
I had four beers on the way here, I'll have you know.
I'm getting the haircut.
I'm getting it.
Don't do it, Deandra.
You'll regret it! I'm telling you! What was that all about? [EXHALES.]
Just trying to save a life.
Oh.
The wind's kicking up.
You better get inside.
I don't like to see her struggle.
Okay.
You sure this is the place? Yeah.
This is where Frank said to meet the guy, so - What up? - Oh, hey, Z.
- Hey.
- How you doing, man? - What you boys up to? - MAC: Uh, we're waiting on a doctor that Frank's hooking us up with.
Yeah, that's me, homie.
- Oh.
- You're a doctor? Straight up.
Come on.
No, you're not.
Bitch, you don't think I'm a doctor? I was a medic in Desert Storm.
I did Doctors Without Borders, I saved mad lives.
See, you racist.
That's what the problem is.
I'm so sorry, Z.
I didn't have any idea.
- That's impressive, yeah.
- Sorry.
Sorry.
[LAUGHS.]
: Bitch, I'm just playing with you.
I ain't no motherfucking doctor.
- Oh! - [CHARLIE LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
All right.
- [LAUGHS.]
: Are you serious? I do still feel bad, though.
- I feel terrible.
- I feel bad, too, because I feel - like I was exposed.
- Lesson learned.
- Lesson learned.
That was good.
- I was My racism was exposed.
But I do fuck with dogs, - so tell me what's up.
- Oh, okay.
Good.
- So, uh, Poppins is sick.
- Right.
Yeah, and there's a bunch of babies in there.
Oh, snap.
Okay.
Right.
Now, the vet said that if he gives birth, he's gonna die.
Oh, so you want me to scoop them babies out so your dog can die.
- Uh, n-no.
The, the opposite, actually.
- Okay.
You want me to scoop them puppies out and chuck 'em and then put your dog out its misery.
- Uh, no.
No.
- No.
Uh-uh.
No, uh, we want you to kill the babies and keep this dog alive.
Okay, word.
I can get with that.
Yeah, is there a version, like, where no dog dies? Yo, son, that's hard to tell.
I made dogs make babies, but I ain't never taken no babies out the dog.
Oh, you're a breeder.
- Right.
- That's why Frank hooked us up.
- Yeah, yeah.
I breed dogs.
- Nice.
- I groom dogs.
I fight dogs.
- Nice.
- Oh.
Mm.
- I ain't never abort no dog, but we can get it done.
Poke around in one of them trash cans, try to find an Allen wrench.
[CHARLIE INHALES SHARPLY THROUGH TEETH.]
Yeah, I'm starting to think this is a mistake, man.
I don't think he's qualified to do this.
- But - Yeah, I-I don't know.
MAC: I don't know what else we're gonna do, man.
I mean, we got to save Poppins.
CHARLIE: Oh, shit.
Wait.
Who's this? Oh Oh, my God.
Wait a second.
Charlie I think this is the real Poppins! CHARLIE: That's Poppins, isn't it? I was wondering why I didn't have to pop this dog's eye back in its socket.
That dog has a very solid eye.
It was very mysterious why Oh, my God.
Yeah, look how dirty he is.
Oh, look.
Oh, look at this.
He came back.
CHARLIE: He's getting all nose-deep - in, uh in her goodies there, so - Oh, my God.
Wait a second.
Charlie, maybe the puppies inside of this dog are Poppins's! Oh, my God.
Poppins is the dad? Yes! - CHARLIE: Uh - That is so cute.
- Yeah.
- MAC: He came back - to take care of his family.
- He did.
He likes to take Oh, no, he did not.
He did not.
- MAC: There he goes.
- He wanted the blanket.
Yeah, he's a survivor.
He's gonna take what he needs.
CHARLIE: He's gonna do what he's gonna do.
Wow.
- Bye, buddy.
- Bye, Poppins! All right.
See you in a few years.
- Mm-hmm.
- [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
All right.
What are we gonna do - with this piece of shit? - Mm-hmm.
Listen here, you monster.
Okay, well, if you see her, can you call me? I'm just really freaking out.
It's not like her at all.
[SIGHS.]
Um I'm so sorry.
Um, can I help you? Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Yes.
I'm sorry, the Your tears were unexpected.
I, uh Yeah.
Sometimes I find it very arousing, tears, but this time, I wasn't I-I wasn't coming in-in that zone.
You know what I mean? So, I, uh, was I just wasn't ready for it.
I was I was gonna do a th I could switch gears, though.
You want to do? We could do a This could be an arousing thing.
I What is happening? Right.
Sorry.
Uh Yeah, so, no.
I No, I came here with a plan, and, um Yes, I'm gonna stick to that plan, so Sorry.
[LAUGHS.]
- I'd like a haircut, please.
- Oh.
Yeah, sure.
Um, if you can just leave your name and number.
What do you mean "yes"? - I can - Sorry.
What? I can make you an appointment if you leave your name and number.
- Right on.
- And I can - give you - You cut men's hair? Yeah.
We cut anyone's hair who needs it.
Good.
As it should be.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- So - Are you okay? You won't outsmart me.
Sorry.
I-I I thought you were gonna say that you only cut women's hair, and I was gonna claim discrimination to get you shut it doesn't matter.
I have to admit, you've-you've put me a bit out of sorts.
I With the, with the, the tears and the arousal and your face and words.
I Can we start over? Uh Do you want an appointment? No! No.
I-I Because I don't want a-a-a haircut from a butcher.
All right? I'm not gonna get butchered like you've butchered these poor women's hairs.
- Are you insane? - No.
Look, I can be reasonable, okay? I don't expect to save everybody from this, but I can save one person, all right? My sister Deandra Reynolds.
She-she has an appointment here, and I want it stricken from the record.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
- [SIGHS.]
Look, you don't understand, okay? She's she's my twin sister, all right? Fr-From a genetic standpoint, I mean, her hair is just as much mine as it is hers, you know what I mean? I-I-I I have every right to stop her from killing it.
Okay, I don't know what's going on here, but I don't have time for this.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you're very busy destroying young people's lives, aren't you? Yeah.
Doesn't surprise me it's reduced you to tears.
I'm crying because my dog is lost, asshole.
What's your dog look like? [SIGHS.]
Oh, shit.
MAC: Well, this all worked out - pretty well, didn't it? - Yeah, yeah.
- Well, yeah.
- [FRANK BELCHING.]
- I can't believe how quick you gave up Poppins's puppies, though, you know? You didn't even think about keeping 'em.
Well, that's a lot of responsibility, - Charlie, right? - Yeah, that's true.
And plus, there's no doggy paternity test to actually prove that they were Poppy's puppies in the first place.
That's true, too.
MAC: You know? But, hey, if Poppins wants to stop by and say, "What's up?" and, like, be a dad for while - DENNIS: Right.
- he's gonna.
- Exactly.
- Or he won't.
Yeah, that's how I do.
That's how I do.
But, guys, seriously, we got to stay vigilant, okay? I mean, yes, we were able to stop Dee from doing something horrible.
But, you know, we can't rest until every single woman is free from the choice of ruining their lives forever.
- Mm.
- So what are we gonna do? I was thinking we use shame.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- It's a great motivator.
CHARLIE: Hello oh, my God! - Oh! - Oh! - [FRANK BURPS.]
- Oh! Aah! - Oh, my God! - Dee, what have you done?! - Yeah.
Yeah.
I told you I was gonna get the cut! - Goddamn it! - Oh.
But then I went into the salon, and the woman refused to see me.
She refused, she said, 'cause she was-she was doing some sort of trade in a dog-kidnapped situation.
I don't know.
I ended up having to do it all by myself! That's right! - Listen, l-listen.
- [SIGHS.]
- It looks terrible.
- DEE: I - So bad.
- I mean, really, really bad.
I know it looks terrible! The scissors were dirty, and they weren't even sharp.
But now it's done.
It's done now.
There's no turning back.
What have I done? What have I done? I've-I've forced my sister into a back-alley chop.
Guys, I think we-we need to realize something.
We're never gonna be able to stop women from doing whatever the hell they want with their own bodies.
- Thank you! - Okay? And if we can't stop them from making stupid and selfish choices, then we need to give them a place to go to be stupid and selfish.
- Thank you.
- Where it's safe.
- Yes! - Where they won't do bullshit like this.
- It's bullshit! - This is a bullshit haircut! I know! Okay, guys, here's something else, too.
I don't care about any of this, really, you know? If I'm being honest, I don't care that much, either.
- Right? - DEE: Oh - Like, who gives a shit? - Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I don't really care that much, either.
- What?! No, you No.
- I don't know, it just it's annoying, but I don't care.
We don't really care.
Why did you guys make such a big deal about it, then? Well, uh, you know, that's, like, a guy thing.
Well, 'cause we're-we're used to being in charge, and we want to make sure that You did! You cared! You cared so much, and then I did it, and now what am I supposed to do? - I care.
I know what to do.
- You do? I got a guy.
- Hey.
- FRANK: Oh.
How that wig feel, Dee? - Really good.
- FRANK: Oh.
It feels great.
Thank you, Z.
Now, Dee, just remember that one day you may get a call from the woman who gave birth to that hair.
And, uh, I would consider some visitations.
Nah, she ain't got to worry about that.
I groomed that shit off a border collie.
Well, then you're good.
Hey.
Might be some fleas up in there, but she good.
[TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS.]