The Simpsons s14e09 Episode Script

The Simpsons The Strong Arms of the Ma D'oh! Ah! Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and this is Eye on Springfield.
I'm here with actor Rainier Wolfcastle who surprisingly has filed for bankruptcy.
Rainier, what went wrong? Three divorces in three months.
What can I say, Kent? I'm a romantic.
But this personal tragedy translates into a good old-fashioned bankruptcy sale.
Yeah.
Everything must go.
Even the painting of my nana.
This was done on her wedding day.
Or should I say "deading" day? How the mighty have fallen into my price range.
I wanna go there.
- Dad, we are there.
- Woo-hoo! Oh, Rainier, I really don't think it's right to sell these Playdude centerfolds.
Zip it, Holy Joe.
- Are you taking us to another mansion? - Uh, yeah.
Uh, Miss September - you're gonna have to get in the trunk.
- Oh.
Whoa, a sword cane.
Everything here is sword.
Sword baseball bat, sword rifle, sword pineapple sword sword sharpener, sword pie.
It's Hey, what happened to the sword pie? What do I do now? Hey, look, a cyborg hand.
This could really come in useful.
Well, well, look who's gone Hollywood.
Oh! Eh, mm, eh.
Do you need some assistance picking over the tattered remains of my life? Nope, I'm good.
Hey, your early porno movies.
Oh, wait, are any of these hetero? What's there is there.
You got any junk that will go up in value after you die? Right this way.
My first weight set.
They know you are talking about them.
I'll take it.
Who's up for coconut oil? There's no way this junk is gonna fit in that car.
Don't worry.
This is what all those hours of playing Tetris were for.
No.
- Huh.
Perfect.
- But there's no room for you.
D'oh! - Do you think you could give me a lift? - Sure.
I'll carry you in this giant Snugli.
I used it to carry Rob Schneider in the movie My Baby is an Ugly Man.
Hmm? Ooh! Your heartbeat is so soothing.
Shh.
Time for sleep, little fatso.
Oh! Ew! Mom, I think Maggie fudged her Huggies.
Bart, don't say it like that.
You'll hurt her feelings.
Jeez, Louise.
How did you turn cinnamon applesauce into that? Don't try to pin this on me, sister.
Sorry, emergency.
Hello, Mrs.
Homer.
Apu, where's your bathroom? The bathroom is not for customers.
Please use the crack house.
Aah! That is the most pungent thing I've ever smelled and I am from India.
All right, all right, but speak of this to no one.
Don't worry.
That sign is just a ruse, like all high voltage signs.
There's a happy baby.
Aren't you? Aren't you? Give me your purse.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
- Shut up.
- It's not a purse.
It's a diaper bag.
- What? It looks like a purse, that's why I bought it.
- But it's really a - Shut up! Fine.
I'll just take this.
Come on, Mom, let's go.
Mom, are you okay? It's all my fault my wife got mugged.
There you have it, boys.
Case closed.
Look, this really made me feel vulnerable.
I wanna know how soon you think you'll catch this guy.
Don't worry, Marge, I swear to you I'll put my best man on it.
Hmm? Oh, boy, is this awkward.
Wait, Marge.
I don't want you to leave the house without this.
Emergency whistle, pepper spray and this map of the most vulnerable parts of a man's body.
Why is it Ned Flanders? Oh, like, I'm gonna kick Chief Wiggum in the groin.
Okay, Marge, you can do this.
You've done it a thousand times before.
- Hi, Mrs.
Simpson.
- Aah! Oh, no.
I pepper-sprayed Ralph.
Even my boogers are spicy.
Sorry.
Let's go home.
There's nothing dangerous there except for the electrical wiring.
Mom, you didn't get the milk.
And you parked on top of the mailman.
It's okay.
All part of the job.
Can you believe I get paid to wear short pants? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll come right out and help you.
I gave your necklace to my cheap girlfriend.
I just throw it in a drawer at night.
No, it'll tangle! Sorry, I can't go outside.
I'll call for help.
No hurry, I got plenty to read.
Ooh, Twilight Zone Magazine.
It Oh, no, my glasses are broken.
Marge, I'm afraid you've developed agoraphobia: A fear of leaving the home.
I recommend watching this Lifetime Channel movie.
It's called The Woman Who Died in Her Home.
Oh, my God.
Isn't there anything I can do? Marge, I suggest you slowly desensitize yourself to the fear of going outside.
Create controlled situations where you can leave without pain or panic.
What if I can't feel comfortable outside again? - I hope you like throwing dinner parties.
- I do.
No one wants to eat dinner at a crazy lady's house.
Get real.
Don't worry, Mom.
This first time we'll only take a few steps outside.
All right, just to the mailbox and back.
Now, Dr.
Hibbert said to use a number from one to 10 to describe how anxious you are.
Two, three, two Don't worry.
Everything is fine.
- What the hell is that? - Eight.
- Dad, it's just a bug.
- Two Not just a bug.
It's the queen of something.
Ten, 10, 10.
Don't worry.
I'll set fire to the hive.
Twelve.
Fifteen.
Seven hundred and three.
Run! Oh, my goodness.
It looks just like the Kwik-E-Mart.
Yup, but you're still safe at home.
After a few practice trips here the real Kwik-E-Mart will be a piece of cake.
- Now, Bart will play Apu.
- Mm-hm.
I'm a magazine rack.
Look, I'm the first to admit it.
I don't write good parts for women.
I'm a robber.
- Aah! Help! - All this does is shoot bubbles.
Silly String! Kids, I'll find your mother.
Dad, we're canceling the rest of the play.
What play? What the hell is he talking about? - Marge? - I'm gonna sleep down here tonight.
Listen, kids.
Your mom is going to be living in the basement.
But with our love, she'll get better soon.
- What if she doesn't? - We'll have to smoke her out.
And may the peace of God be with you.
Amen.
Amen.
Over.
Breaker, Bartman to shut-in.
The big guy's asleep.
Please advise.
Over.
Whack him with the hymnal.
Over.
- I roger that big time.
- D'oh! - Why, you little - Oh, ha, ha, hi, Jesus.
I was just Wow, honey, eating dinner downstairs is great.
Isn't it, kids? The air hockey table makes passing the carrots a breeze.
Bart, eat your spinach, unh.
No way, unh.
Yes way.
Stop it, please.
I'm trying to eat.
And all those feet going by the window are really creeping me out.
It's like we're at Cheers.
I loved that show because you always knew it was only a half-hour till Wings.
Then you could just sleep till Monday.
Bye, Mom.
I'm sending the cat up with your lunches.
Goodbye, kids.
What to do now? Too crazy to go outside.
Not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.
Why did Homer buy those? No one's ever gonna use them.
Hmm.
Three, four and five eggs.
Ladies, feel that burn.
If you don't, the oven's not on.
Ten, 11, 12.
I can bench twice as much as when I started.
And look at my abs.
Mom.
I'm married to Joey Heatherton.
Ooh, you know what would zest up this hollandaise? A lemon.
- Dad, do you plan to get in shape? - No.
- Actually, I'm gonna eat twice as much.
- Excellent.
Uh, guys, Mom just left the basement.
She's in the backyard.
I got all the way out to the tree before I realized I'd left the house.
I'm stronger than I've ever been.
I don't have to go back inside.
I'm not afraid.
- All right, Mom.
- Yay, Mom.
- Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo! I'm not afraid.
Ned, I'm not afraid.
Well, aren't you a super-duper recouper? Grampa, I'm not afraid.
Then you're not paying close enough attention.
- You? - What you been up to? Living in fear? Not anymore.
You've just been Marge-inalized.
Marge, that was amazing.
It's like I'm married to Shaft.
Chief, I think that's the guy who mugged her.
Yeah.
She caught her own criminal unlike the rest of you lazy bones.
You're not gonna find those criminals looking at your feet, people.
Marge Simpson? It's Ruth.
Ruth Powers.
Ruth Powers? My old neighbor? Oh, my goodness.
Look at you.
I got this body in prison.
I was Miss Mexican Mafia three years in a row.
Wow.
You know, another 4 inches on your neck and you'd look pretty hot.
Ever thought of competing? I don't have those kind of muscles.
Well, you could if you use these.
Steroids? I can't take drugs.
I have many anti-drug bumper stickers I'd be making a liar out of my tailgate.
Steroids aren't drugs.
They occur naturally in the body like sweat or tumors.
But aren't there side effects? Yes.
Their main side effect is greatness.
But if you'd rather be weak and helpless No, no.
I feel good with no repercussions.
A little of this, a little of that.
Bulkanoids for my lats, Miso-Max for my delts and estrogen blockers for that minty taste.
Whoa! Hurry up, kids, you'll miss the bus.
Wait, Otto, come back! Not so fast, bus boy.
Man, what am I smoking? Oh, yeah, pot.
Thanks, Mom.
Bye, kids.
Bye-bye.
Ha, ha, your mom changed.
Hey, hot stuff.
I've got a competition tomorrow.
- I could use a good luck snuggle.
- I'd rather talk about our feelings.
I feel that illegal performance-enhancing drugs are too common these days.
Rebuttal? Let's do it.
Uh, listen, my bulky flower - I have an early day tomorrow - I wasn't asking.
Kids, I made your lunches.
They're on the table.
Huh? Why didn't mom make our lunch? Your mom has a lot of stuff to shave.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Now, let's meet the ladies who our doctors assure us are women.
The iron maidens.
Ay caramba.
I'm off women forever.
Support the arts.
Yeah, that's rad, that's rad, yeah.
This is the cheapest vacation you've ever taken me on.
The man who shot Liberty Valance He shot Liberty Valance He was the bravest of them all Nice lady.
In second place, Marge Simpson.
All right.
Yeah.
Yeah! Second place? Oh, man, this will just encourage her.
I'm tired of her criticizing my saggy glutes.
Quiet.
Her muscular ears can hear us.
So then I popped my delts, clench and bam! Not a dry eye in the house.
I'm so proud of you, honey.
You bulked up but managed to keep your femininity.
And that's why I didn't win.
Sorry, sir.
Sorry.
Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna up my glyco load - use a denser ripping gel - Denser? Damn straight.
I didn't sacrifice my period for second place.
I hear that.
Uh, listen, Marge Um, how can I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.
- Maybe death will stop your yammering.
- Marge, easy.
Ah! Oh! Everyone pile on Homer's wife.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Disco Stu should have disco ducked.
Ow.
Marge.
Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married.
The woman who instead of swatting a fly will give it a bath and send it on its way.
I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.
Oh, my gosh.
You're right.
Steroids have turned me into everything I hate.
Let's go home, sweetie.
Club soda will get that blood out.
Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses.
Whoa, Moe, wait a minute.
Don't you have to buy insurance first? Oh, crap.
You know, I really do miss being a lady.
And I miss being your knight in flabby armor.
Oh, Homie.
Ready for a real workout, Marge? Mm-hm.
Good.
Can you wax the car? Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Shh.