Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e10 Episode Script
James Martin, Chris Ramsey, Frankie Bridge, Jennifer Metcalfe, Vernon Kay, Paddy McGuinness
How do! I'm Keith Lemon and these are my sweet-ass titles.
There's Holly Willoughby coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy! There's Gino D'Acampo who is covering for Fearne while she's off having a baby.
How is that possible? We are all here in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead, it's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? You know what it is, it's Celebrity Juice.
On telly.
HD ready.
(APPLAUSE) Boom! Hoo-rah! Hi, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's gone very fast.
This is the last in the present series.
(CROWD GROAN) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! Thank you.
What's up? What's going down, looking all fresh and fly and shit.
Oh, thanks.
You look like you've just run a marathon.
And just kind of got one of those emergency blankets around you.
You look like Wednesday from Addams Family, she turned into a hooker.
Holly, who is on your team? On my right is the all singing, all dancing and very, very gorgeous Frankie Bridge.
And on my left, he is my favourite chef.
Bitch.
What a bitch.
It's James Martin! Hey, it's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
(CHANTING "GINO, GINO") Thank you, guys.
Gino, who is on your team? I have been on your team, like, six fucking times! I know.
Wait.
OK, who is on my team? On my left, he is back again.
All the way from the Toon, it's Chris Ramsey.
(CHEERING) And on my right, a beautiful lady all the way from Hollyoaks.
(KEITH SCOFFS) Her name is Jennifer Meatlove.
Meatlove.
If anyone didn't see the first episode of this series, we made a bet with Gino.
It's four-all at the moment.
So tonight is a decider.
Over there we have a plinth with all you will need to become the presenter of Celebrity Juice.
But if you don't win tonight, there's all the implements that you will need to shave your hair off.
(SHOWER THEME FROM 'PSYCHO') Are you confident you are going to win? I think I will win, yes.
If you don't pull any tricks, fine.
Pull any tricks? What do you think I'd do? Phone one of my northern mates from Bolton and say, "Come down and be on Holly's team so she beats the shit out of him and he has to shave his hair off"? Do you think that is what I would honestly do? No, I'm just saying, be fair.
Don't pull any tricks.
Well, I did.
(LAUGHTER) Holly, who else have you got on your team? Please welcome, on my team tonight, all the way from Bolton, it's Paddy McGuinness! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This shit has just got personal, sunshine.
That is not fair.
But I knew you would do something like that.
That is why I have got my own Plan V.
That is not the phrase, Plan V.
Hey, let's go into Plan V?! Plan B! No, no, no, no, no.
Wait.
Cos I knew you would do this shit anyway to shave my hair.
There is my Plan V.
It's Vernon Kay.
Come on.
Come on! (APPLAUSE) Is that Vernon Kay or Super Mario? Can I just say as well, this is a milestone for me because until this moment, I thought you two were the same person.
I'm happy that you're on.
I've got a proper gladiator.
None of this northerner shit.
He's from the same place as me! Are you from North? We're from the same town! That's why I'm here.
Fucking hell.
Why is everybody northern? Sorry, I thought you were from London.
Vernon, you have presented a lot of telly shows in your career.
This one I've got to ask you about.
It's a classic, a family favourite.
Everyone is like, "aw, shit, has it come back?" Splash! Is it coming back? It's not coming back, no, I don't think it is.
You are currently recording a new series of 1000 Heartbeats.
For anyone who has not seen 1000 Heartbeats, what is it? There you are, going, "when do I get my money? I want to go home?" It's basically, the contestants wear a heart rate monitor and they have 1000 beats of their own heart to answer seven questions.
Has anyone got so stressed that they've had to bring a medic in? You were there.
You know.
I've done it.
I've done the Text Santa 1000 Heartbeats.
We've got a clip of it here.
Explain what the clip is, for anyone who hasn't seen it.
It's on Text Santa, it's not been on yet.
It's dead good.
This is you playing Link.
What you've got to do is match the titles of the books with the authors.
Oh, well, I read loads of books.
Of course, you are a very intelligent young man, Keith.
Let's have a look.
The Nutcracker, Terry Pratchett! (BUZZER) The Nutcracker, Mark Twain! (BUZZER) Hogfather, Mark Twain! (BUZZER) Hogfather, Terry Pratchett! (APPLAUSE) Is that it? (SINGS) Jennifer Metcalfe, she isn't half fit as fuck.
Welcome! Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) (WOLF WHISTLE) They've been trying to get you on the show for quite a while so I want to say thanks for coming.
Hopefully later on you will be coming also.
Have you been on holiday because you look like a hotdog in clothes? I did a photo shoot today and they literally made me like orange, so You recently won Sexiest Female at the Inside Soap Awards.
I think we've got a picture of you on the night.
There you are.
What thewhoosh! When you go to the toilet, is difficult to get it off? No.
I guess you can just piss in it and wipe it off.
What? Go on.
Go on! No.
Before we went out, I really needed a wee so Oh, no.
Go on, go on, tell us.
This is awful.
We'll cut it out.
So my friend, Nadine - yeah, right - she was like, "you need to go".
I'm like, "I'm not taking this off again" because it were a little bit sticky taking it on and off.
An ice bucket was there and In an ice bucket? High five for that.
Oh, my God.
You get a round of applause?! Get an ice bucket and we'll all piss in one together.
Hey, it's Paddy McGuinness! I'll tell you what we will talk about.
Your waxwork.
Here you are.
Which one is you? Oh, Paddy.
I'm just around the corner.
Yours is in there.
Have you seen yours? font color="#f Dear God.
I don't know who made it.
There's me.
What I find weird about mine is on Twitter, people keep sending me pictures of them with me.
I swear, my waxwork is ageing quicker than me.
I thought it were Ann Widdecombe.
Frankie from the Saturdays, the last time you were on here, you didn't have children, and now you've had two.
I have, yeah.
You have a baby boy called Carter.
Yeah.
We got a picture of him in his Halloween costume.
Aw, look at that! Oh, how cute is that? He's going to hate me when he is 18, isn't it? He's going to hate himself when he sees his mum and goes, "Geez, I wanna fuck my mum".
Hey, it's my other favourite Yorkshire chef, it's James Martin! You present Saturday Kitchen Live.
Yes.
You wouldn't know it were live, though, because you never do any mistakes, do you? Never does any mistakes.
Have a look at this.
Oh, no! 'And I'd serve it with some early sprouting broccoli and some sauteed potatoes, but that's it.
' Delicious looking dick from - Er, dish! Sorry about that.
Delicious looking dish there from Rick.
Pork, yeah.
This week's masterclass is something I know people will love Ha-ha-ha! Have you got cock on the brain? Because I've got another question for you.
You've got a book out here.
There's the book, that's just called Sweet.
Going on about cock and stuff, I want you to tell me what this is.
Where is the page? Obsessed with dicks! What is that? What you want for your breakfast? I'll just have two cocks and some egg! What is that? They're rum babas.
That is a sort of 70s thing, isn't it? What is it? Rum baba.
That is a good recipe to do.
Yeah? Yes.
How would you know? You just get tomato and put olive oil on it.
Fantastico! James, I have been hearing a lot of things recently about pop-up restaurants.
What are pop-up restaurants? It is a restaurant that just appears and then disappears.
They have lots of gimmicks, though, don't they? There will be ones where you eat off a plank of wood rather than a plate? Yeah, on slate and all that sort of On slate and stuff.
Yeah, that kind of, yeah I've come up with an idea for my own pop-up restaurant.
Yes? Have you ever eaten food from a sock? No.
Well, let's play Le Sock It and See! (APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to Le Sock.
What I'm going to do here is give you a chance to taste some of my new recipes.
I want you to tell me what the ingredients are and then you will win a point for your team.
So, are you ready? Not particularly, no.
OK.
This is what you will be feasting upon tonight.
There it is.
Good luck, James.
Nice.
For our studio audience and everybody at home, these are the ingredients for this lovely sock.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) I'll hold it up for you.
You give it a suck.
This feels warm.
I'm not going to give you it cold.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) Give it a suck! Give it a suck! So what do you think is in there, for a point for your team? It's kind of a really poor, if anything, chilli or Bolognese.
Like Gino's? It tastes like chilli beans, chilli beef, chilli something.
So what is the answer, then? Chilli beans thing.
Chilli beans thing? So this chef that's on telly thinks that this meal is a chilli beans thing.
('WRONG ANSWER' BUZZER) I can tell you that it is a beef rendang.
And some lager, always.
So it's not a dish, then.
It's just a whole meal.
Whatever it is, it's not a point because you said a chilli beef thing.
Next up, it's Vernon Kay.
(GIGGLES) Let me just check.
Last time I sat on this chair, I ended up sitting on a 12 inch dildo.
And he took that chair home! Vernon, let's reveal your sock.
There it is.
For the studio audience and you at home, here's what this is.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) This is for a whole point for your team.
Do you know what? I don't care if he has his hair shaved off.
That is not the team spirit.
Suck it.
(LAUGHS) (RETCHES) Give it a good suck, come on.
All the way from Bolton! (AUDIENCE YELLS) (APPLAUSE) Is it a prawn cocktail? It's a, it's a It is a classic prawn cocktail with avocado mousse.
Yeah! Next up, it's Holly Willoughboozy.
So, for a point for your team, I want you to tell me what this dish is.
Here it is.
Oh, God.
For the audience and people at home, this is what dish it is.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Oh, no, don't.
Don't make those noises, please.
Come on, Holly, suck it and see.
Tell me what it is for a point for your team.
Ooh! It's something I like, it's sweet, it's nice.
Mm! It's not sweet.
It tastes a bit mushroomy.
(APPLAUSE) OK, so it's something with mushrooms.
It's like Through The Keyhole, but different, innit? Go on, get right in.
Ooh, a bit came out then.
Don't even go there.
It's mushroom risotto-y soup.
That's correct! And the scores at the end of that round aresh-ting! (APPLAUSE) We are going to go to an ad break now.
See you in three.
Coming up after t'break: I don't like this.
Oh, fuck off! (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Hello.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It's the last in the present series.
AUDIENCE: Aw-w-w-w.
But we're back at Christmas.
(CHEERING) It's the final show of the series.
So we've got to play my favourite game which is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
(BUZZER) Fuck! I forgot.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) It's like being with your grandparents.
(BUZZER) Make something shorter, Jennifer! Can I? (BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Fuck off! (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) (BUZZER) The winner is Gino's team.
(CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Christopher? Hi-ya.
Congratulations are in order because you've had a baby child.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You have a baby boy? Yeah, he's called Robin.
Robin Ramsey.
You had to cancel a gig that you are doing on tour? I had to cancel, yeah, because the baby was due right in the middle of the tour.
How did you announce cancelling the tour? I said, "Sorry, guys.
The gig is cancelled because," and I just put a photo on it of a shitty nappy.
(LAUGHTER) Last night he had the first one that made us genuinely repulsed.
He is my son and I love him but I was like, "Mate, I'm embarrassed for you.
" I was cleaning him off and I was like, oh, God.
And I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and it stunk and I looked in the mirror and somehow there was a bit of shit in my nostril.
I swear to God, I got the photo.
I took a photo of it.
It took every single ounce of myself not to Oh, my God! That is brilliant.
Well, in honour of you and your child and, Vernon, you've got kiddie-winks? I've got two.
Yeah.
Paddy, you've got two.
Anyone else got two? Holly's got 22.
(LAUGHTER) Well, in honour of these new fathers we're going to play a game called One Torn Every Minute.
Hi, welcome to Arnold Schwarzenegger's Junior Paternity Wing.
We got Chris Ramsey here and Paddy McGuinness.
They're both pregnant with child.
Well, not really but they are fitted with labour apparatus which will give them contractions.
Christopher and Paddy will tell a joke each.
Depending on how the audience responds they will get a contraction.
The first person to have the baby will lose and the point will go to the opponent.
Now, because this is Celebrity Juice, you are probably expecting us to get the girls to come in as sexy nurses.
That's not the kind of show we are.
We are not sexist and misogynistic or anything.
We are all about equal opportunities, so we haven't got them dressed as sexy nurses.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) We got them dressed as sexy doctors.
(APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) The ladies will be controlling the contractions.
Holly, you are coming over here.
We will start off with Paddy McGuinness.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Laugh, you bastards.
Contraction.
Oh-oh.
Oh, no.
No.
No.
Fuck off! Turn it off.
Your baby's come out straightaway.
I'll just shove it back up.
Get that fucking thing off! You got shit up your nose? (LAUGHTER) What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they were married? Fi-yonce.
Argh! Just a little one.
Just a little one? How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
Come on! No.
I don't like this.
I don't like this! (LAUGHTER) I'm pissed through with sweat here.
Take your hands off her tits.
Sorry.
Just force of habit.
Sorry about that.
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
(CHEERING) Argh! That was horrible.
Sorry, your minge.
(LAUGHTER) There's a bit of shit come out as well.
Not nice.
This is gold, this one.
Come on then.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled under by a strong currant.
(CHEERING) What have you put it on for?! (LAUGHTER) They are laughing! They're laughing! That's the game! Christ on the cross! (LAUGHTER) It's already getting worse.
I haven't even started! I'll go home and chop my cock off if that's what you want?! I haven't even done it.
You've done something.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
(LAUGHTER) Fuck you! Fuck all of you! Shall I do it? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I gave you the gift of comedy.
It hurts worse than when I jumped up and hit my bollocks on the baby's head.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I never knew my dad was stealing from his job as a road-worker.
When I got home, all the signs were there.
(LAUGHTER) They are laughing again.
No! (APPLAUSE) Chris.
Why does it get worse already? I haven't said it.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
They are laughing, they are laughing! Argh! Argh! We all know that one.
The baby is coming.
No, it's not coming.
(BABY CRYING) Here it is.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you.
I've got nowt to do with it.
Here.
It stinks of minge sap.
Who was the winner, Frankie? Paddy.
(CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) That's a point to Holly's team.
(APPLAUSE) We are going to an ad break now.
I'm off for a poo, I'll see you in two.
(CHEERING) Coming up after the break: The winner of tonight's show, and the series, it's (LAUGHTER) Hoorah! Welcome back to the final episode in this series.
Right, now, it is four all! If Holly wins, Gino will have his hair shaved off.
It's a lovely bonce.
You've grown it a little bit, haven't you? Yeah.
It's taken about three or four months and I like it.
I think it is a perfect length now.
Yeah, it's nice.
(LAUGHTER) If Gino wins, next series, you will be sat here.
I will be on the end going, 'It's fantastico' (BABBLES) The only thing I have to do is introduce the captain.
I do not have the pressure of the game.
You do not have to do anything else.
(LAUGHTER) Nothing.
Easy.
Wanker.
(LAUGHTER) I can tell you that the winner of tonight's show and the series is (DRUM ROLL) I got a drumroll.
They are saying it is very close.
(DRUM ROLL CONTINUES) HOLLY: Oh, come on.
Ginoare you feeling confident? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) That is so mean.
Seriously, because that drummer's hands are going to fall off.
(LAUGHTER) The winning team is Come on.
.
.
of Celebrity Juice series 14 .
.
is Just say it! .
.
Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ALL: Gino! Gino! Gino! Oh, damn it! (LAUGHTER) Come on.
Let's get to the barber's chair.
A professional barber? Yeah.
Also, Saturday jobs You have never done this before.
Gino! Hang on, hang on.
Can I just show you something? That's gotta be there.
Has it? Oh, my God, you have no idea what you are doing.
(LAUGHTER) I tell you what Take your fucking top off.
(CHEERING) We will shave that shit off as well.
(LAUGHTER) What are you going to Ow! (LAUGHTER) Any last words? No, come on, be nice.
Do it so it looks good.
No stupid haircut.
Tomorrow I have television to do.
(LAUGHTER) Can we write a word in it? No word! Just do the thing! Oh, Gino! This is so nice.
Does it look all right? (APPLAUSE) You look like Wolverine.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) You two have no fucking idea what you are doing.
(LAUGHTER) I would do Holly's bush, but we would be here all week.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, stop! It's gonna itch me! (IMITATES GINO) That's to go swimming.
(YELPS) (LAUGHTER) Are we done with this? We have not finished.
Leave that bit there.
Punk.
Leave that, leave that bit there.
That's it.
Done.
That's your haircut.
Right, let's have a before and after picture.
(LAUGHTER) You look younger.
What about for the side? Turn to the side.
You are like an action man.
Please give it up for a brilliant sport - Gino! (APPLAUSE) ALL: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you.
He looks good.
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I will see you all for the Christmas special! All the best! (MUSIC PLAYS) Everybody up! Come on! We'll see you at Christmas!
There's Holly Willoughby coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy! There's Gino D'Acampo who is covering for Fearne while she's off having a baby.
How is that possible? We are all here in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead, it's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? You know what it is, it's Celebrity Juice.
On telly.
HD ready.
(APPLAUSE) Boom! Hoo-rah! Hi, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's gone very fast.
This is the last in the present series.
(CROWD GROAN) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! Thank you.
What's up? What's going down, looking all fresh and fly and shit.
Oh, thanks.
You look like you've just run a marathon.
And just kind of got one of those emergency blankets around you.
You look like Wednesday from Addams Family, she turned into a hooker.
Holly, who is on your team? On my right is the all singing, all dancing and very, very gorgeous Frankie Bridge.
And on my left, he is my favourite chef.
Bitch.
What a bitch.
It's James Martin! Hey, it's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
(CHANTING "GINO, GINO") Thank you, guys.
Gino, who is on your team? I have been on your team, like, six fucking times! I know.
Wait.
OK, who is on my team? On my left, he is back again.
All the way from the Toon, it's Chris Ramsey.
(CHEERING) And on my right, a beautiful lady all the way from Hollyoaks.
(KEITH SCOFFS) Her name is Jennifer Meatlove.
Meatlove.
If anyone didn't see the first episode of this series, we made a bet with Gino.
It's four-all at the moment.
So tonight is a decider.
Over there we have a plinth with all you will need to become the presenter of Celebrity Juice.
But if you don't win tonight, there's all the implements that you will need to shave your hair off.
(SHOWER THEME FROM 'PSYCHO') Are you confident you are going to win? I think I will win, yes.
If you don't pull any tricks, fine.
Pull any tricks? What do you think I'd do? Phone one of my northern mates from Bolton and say, "Come down and be on Holly's team so she beats the shit out of him and he has to shave his hair off"? Do you think that is what I would honestly do? No, I'm just saying, be fair.
Don't pull any tricks.
Well, I did.
(LAUGHTER) Holly, who else have you got on your team? Please welcome, on my team tonight, all the way from Bolton, it's Paddy McGuinness! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This shit has just got personal, sunshine.
That is not fair.
But I knew you would do something like that.
That is why I have got my own Plan V.
That is not the phrase, Plan V.
Hey, let's go into Plan V?! Plan B! No, no, no, no, no.
Wait.
Cos I knew you would do this shit anyway to shave my hair.
There is my Plan V.
It's Vernon Kay.
Come on.
Come on! (APPLAUSE) Is that Vernon Kay or Super Mario? Can I just say as well, this is a milestone for me because until this moment, I thought you two were the same person.
I'm happy that you're on.
I've got a proper gladiator.
None of this northerner shit.
He's from the same place as me! Are you from North? We're from the same town! That's why I'm here.
Fucking hell.
Why is everybody northern? Sorry, I thought you were from London.
Vernon, you have presented a lot of telly shows in your career.
This one I've got to ask you about.
It's a classic, a family favourite.
Everyone is like, "aw, shit, has it come back?" Splash! Is it coming back? It's not coming back, no, I don't think it is.
You are currently recording a new series of 1000 Heartbeats.
For anyone who has not seen 1000 Heartbeats, what is it? There you are, going, "when do I get my money? I want to go home?" It's basically, the contestants wear a heart rate monitor and they have 1000 beats of their own heart to answer seven questions.
Has anyone got so stressed that they've had to bring a medic in? You were there.
You know.
I've done it.
I've done the Text Santa 1000 Heartbeats.
We've got a clip of it here.
Explain what the clip is, for anyone who hasn't seen it.
It's on Text Santa, it's not been on yet.
It's dead good.
This is you playing Link.
What you've got to do is match the titles of the books with the authors.
Oh, well, I read loads of books.
Of course, you are a very intelligent young man, Keith.
Let's have a look.
The Nutcracker, Terry Pratchett! (BUZZER) The Nutcracker, Mark Twain! (BUZZER) Hogfather, Mark Twain! (BUZZER) Hogfather, Terry Pratchett! (APPLAUSE) Is that it? (SINGS) Jennifer Metcalfe, she isn't half fit as fuck.
Welcome! Thank you.
(APPLAUSE) (WOLF WHISTLE) They've been trying to get you on the show for quite a while so I want to say thanks for coming.
Hopefully later on you will be coming also.
Have you been on holiday because you look like a hotdog in clothes? I did a photo shoot today and they literally made me like orange, so You recently won Sexiest Female at the Inside Soap Awards.
I think we've got a picture of you on the night.
There you are.
What thewhoosh! When you go to the toilet, is difficult to get it off? No.
I guess you can just piss in it and wipe it off.
What? Go on.
Go on! No.
Before we went out, I really needed a wee so Oh, no.
Go on, go on, tell us.
This is awful.
We'll cut it out.
So my friend, Nadine - yeah, right - she was like, "you need to go".
I'm like, "I'm not taking this off again" because it were a little bit sticky taking it on and off.
An ice bucket was there and In an ice bucket? High five for that.
Oh, my God.
You get a round of applause?! Get an ice bucket and we'll all piss in one together.
Hey, it's Paddy McGuinness! I'll tell you what we will talk about.
Your waxwork.
Here you are.
Which one is you? Oh, Paddy.
I'm just around the corner.
Yours is in there.
Have you seen yours? font color="#f Dear God.
I don't know who made it.
There's me.
What I find weird about mine is on Twitter, people keep sending me pictures of them with me.
I swear, my waxwork is ageing quicker than me.
I thought it were Ann Widdecombe.
Frankie from the Saturdays, the last time you were on here, you didn't have children, and now you've had two.
I have, yeah.
You have a baby boy called Carter.
Yeah.
We got a picture of him in his Halloween costume.
Aw, look at that! Oh, how cute is that? He's going to hate me when he is 18, isn't it? He's going to hate himself when he sees his mum and goes, "Geez, I wanna fuck my mum".
Hey, it's my other favourite Yorkshire chef, it's James Martin! You present Saturday Kitchen Live.
Yes.
You wouldn't know it were live, though, because you never do any mistakes, do you? Never does any mistakes.
Have a look at this.
Oh, no! 'And I'd serve it with some early sprouting broccoli and some sauteed potatoes, but that's it.
' Delicious looking dick from - Er, dish! Sorry about that.
Delicious looking dish there from Rick.
Pork, yeah.
This week's masterclass is something I know people will love Ha-ha-ha! Have you got cock on the brain? Because I've got another question for you.
You've got a book out here.
There's the book, that's just called Sweet.
Going on about cock and stuff, I want you to tell me what this is.
Where is the page? Obsessed with dicks! What is that? What you want for your breakfast? I'll just have two cocks and some egg! What is that? They're rum babas.
That is a sort of 70s thing, isn't it? What is it? Rum baba.
That is a good recipe to do.
Yeah? Yes.
How would you know? You just get tomato and put olive oil on it.
Fantastico! James, I have been hearing a lot of things recently about pop-up restaurants.
What are pop-up restaurants? It is a restaurant that just appears and then disappears.
They have lots of gimmicks, though, don't they? There will be ones where you eat off a plank of wood rather than a plate? Yeah, on slate and all that sort of On slate and stuff.
Yeah, that kind of, yeah I've come up with an idea for my own pop-up restaurant.
Yes? Have you ever eaten food from a sock? No.
Well, let's play Le Sock It and See! (APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to Le Sock.
What I'm going to do here is give you a chance to taste some of my new recipes.
I want you to tell me what the ingredients are and then you will win a point for your team.
So, are you ready? Not particularly, no.
OK.
This is what you will be feasting upon tonight.
There it is.
Good luck, James.
Nice.
For our studio audience and everybody at home, these are the ingredients for this lovely sock.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) I'll hold it up for you.
You give it a suck.
This feels warm.
I'm not going to give you it cold.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) Give it a suck! Give it a suck! So what do you think is in there, for a point for your team? It's kind of a really poor, if anything, chilli or Bolognese.
Like Gino's? It tastes like chilli beans, chilli beef, chilli something.
So what is the answer, then? Chilli beans thing.
Chilli beans thing? So this chef that's on telly thinks that this meal is a chilli beans thing.
('WRONG ANSWER' BUZZER) I can tell you that it is a beef rendang.
And some lager, always.
So it's not a dish, then.
It's just a whole meal.
Whatever it is, it's not a point because you said a chilli beef thing.
Next up, it's Vernon Kay.
(GIGGLES) Let me just check.
Last time I sat on this chair, I ended up sitting on a 12 inch dildo.
And he took that chair home! Vernon, let's reveal your sock.
There it is.
For the studio audience and you at home, here's what this is.
(AUDIENCE GROAN) This is for a whole point for your team.
Do you know what? I don't care if he has his hair shaved off.
That is not the team spirit.
Suck it.
(LAUGHS) (RETCHES) Give it a good suck, come on.
All the way from Bolton! (AUDIENCE YELLS) (APPLAUSE) Is it a prawn cocktail? It's a, it's a It is a classic prawn cocktail with avocado mousse.
Yeah! Next up, it's Holly Willoughboozy.
So, for a point for your team, I want you to tell me what this dish is.
Here it is.
Oh, God.
For the audience and people at home, this is what dish it is.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Oh, no, don't.
Don't make those noises, please.
Come on, Holly, suck it and see.
Tell me what it is for a point for your team.
Ooh! It's something I like, it's sweet, it's nice.
Mm! It's not sweet.
It tastes a bit mushroomy.
(APPLAUSE) OK, so it's something with mushrooms.
It's like Through The Keyhole, but different, innit? Go on, get right in.
Ooh, a bit came out then.
Don't even go there.
It's mushroom risotto-y soup.
That's correct! And the scores at the end of that round aresh-ting! (APPLAUSE) We are going to go to an ad break now.
See you in three.
Coming up after t'break: I don't like this.
Oh, fuck off! (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Hello.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It's the last in the present series.
AUDIENCE: Aw-w-w-w.
But we're back at Christmas.
(CHEERING) It's the final show of the series.
So we've got to play my favourite game which is Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
(BUZZER) Fuck! I forgot.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) It's like being with your grandparents.
(BUZZER) Make something shorter, Jennifer! Can I? (BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Fuck off! (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) (BUZZER) The winner is Gino's team.
(CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Christopher? Hi-ya.
Congratulations are in order because you've had a baby child.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You have a baby boy? Yeah, he's called Robin.
Robin Ramsey.
You had to cancel a gig that you are doing on tour? I had to cancel, yeah, because the baby was due right in the middle of the tour.
How did you announce cancelling the tour? I said, "Sorry, guys.
The gig is cancelled because," and I just put a photo on it of a shitty nappy.
(LAUGHTER) Last night he had the first one that made us genuinely repulsed.
He is my son and I love him but I was like, "Mate, I'm embarrassed for you.
" I was cleaning him off and I was like, oh, God.
And I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and it stunk and I looked in the mirror and somehow there was a bit of shit in my nostril.
I swear to God, I got the photo.
I took a photo of it.
It took every single ounce of myself not to Oh, my God! That is brilliant.
Well, in honour of you and your child and, Vernon, you've got kiddie-winks? I've got two.
Yeah.
Paddy, you've got two.
Anyone else got two? Holly's got 22.
(LAUGHTER) Well, in honour of these new fathers we're going to play a game called One Torn Every Minute.
Hi, welcome to Arnold Schwarzenegger's Junior Paternity Wing.
We got Chris Ramsey here and Paddy McGuinness.
They're both pregnant with child.
Well, not really but they are fitted with labour apparatus which will give them contractions.
Christopher and Paddy will tell a joke each.
Depending on how the audience responds they will get a contraction.
The first person to have the baby will lose and the point will go to the opponent.
Now, because this is Celebrity Juice, you are probably expecting us to get the girls to come in as sexy nurses.
That's not the kind of show we are.
We are not sexist and misogynistic or anything.
We are all about equal opportunities, so we haven't got them dressed as sexy nurses.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) We got them dressed as sexy doctors.
(APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) The ladies will be controlling the contractions.
Holly, you are coming over here.
We will start off with Paddy McGuinness.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Laugh, you bastards.
Contraction.
Oh-oh.
Oh, no.
No.
No.
Fuck off! Turn it off.
Your baby's come out straightaway.
I'll just shove it back up.
Get that fucking thing off! You got shit up your nose? (LAUGHTER) What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they were married? Fi-yonce.
Argh! Just a little one.
Just a little one? How do you count cows? With a cowculator.
Come on! No.
I don't like this.
I don't like this! (LAUGHTER) I'm pissed through with sweat here.
Take your hands off her tits.
Sorry.
Just force of habit.
Sorry about that.
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
(CHEERING) Argh! That was horrible.
Sorry, your minge.
(LAUGHTER) There's a bit of shit come out as well.
Not nice.
This is gold, this one.
Come on then.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled under by a strong currant.
(CHEERING) What have you put it on for?! (LAUGHTER) They are laughing! They're laughing! That's the game! Christ on the cross! (LAUGHTER) It's already getting worse.
I haven't even started! I'll go home and chop my cock off if that's what you want?! I haven't even done it.
You've done something.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
(LAUGHTER) Fuck you! Fuck all of you! Shall I do it? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I gave you the gift of comedy.
It hurts worse than when I jumped up and hit my bollocks on the baby's head.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I never knew my dad was stealing from his job as a road-worker.
When I got home, all the signs were there.
(LAUGHTER) They are laughing again.
No! (APPLAUSE) Chris.
Why does it get worse already? I haven't said it.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
They are laughing, they are laughing! Argh! Argh! We all know that one.
The baby is coming.
No, it's not coming.
(BABY CRYING) Here it is.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you.
I've got nowt to do with it.
Here.
It stinks of minge sap.
Who was the winner, Frankie? Paddy.
(CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) That's a point to Holly's team.
(APPLAUSE) We are going to an ad break now.
I'm off for a poo, I'll see you in two.
(CHEERING) Coming up after the break: The winner of tonight's show, and the series, it's (LAUGHTER) Hoorah! Welcome back to the final episode in this series.
Right, now, it is four all! If Holly wins, Gino will have his hair shaved off.
It's a lovely bonce.
You've grown it a little bit, haven't you? Yeah.
It's taken about three or four months and I like it.
I think it is a perfect length now.
Yeah, it's nice.
(LAUGHTER) If Gino wins, next series, you will be sat here.
I will be on the end going, 'It's fantastico' (BABBLES) The only thing I have to do is introduce the captain.
I do not have the pressure of the game.
You do not have to do anything else.
(LAUGHTER) Nothing.
Easy.
Wanker.
(LAUGHTER) I can tell you that the winner of tonight's show and the series is (DRUM ROLL) I got a drumroll.
They are saying it is very close.
(DRUM ROLL CONTINUES) HOLLY: Oh, come on.
Ginoare you feeling confident? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) That is so mean.
Seriously, because that drummer's hands are going to fall off.
(LAUGHTER) The winning team is Come on.
.
.
of Celebrity Juice series 14 .
.
is Just say it! .
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Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ALL: Gino! Gino! Gino! Oh, damn it! (LAUGHTER) Come on.
Let's get to the barber's chair.
A professional barber? Yeah.
Also, Saturday jobs You have never done this before.
Gino! Hang on, hang on.
Can I just show you something? That's gotta be there.
Has it? Oh, my God, you have no idea what you are doing.
(LAUGHTER) I tell you what Take your fucking top off.
(CHEERING) We will shave that shit off as well.
(LAUGHTER) What are you going to Ow! (LAUGHTER) Any last words? No, come on, be nice.
Do it so it looks good.
No stupid haircut.
Tomorrow I have television to do.
(LAUGHTER) Can we write a word in it? No word! Just do the thing! Oh, Gino! This is so nice.
Does it look all right? (APPLAUSE) You look like Wolverine.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) You two have no fucking idea what you are doing.
(LAUGHTER) I would do Holly's bush, but we would be here all week.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, stop! It's gonna itch me! (IMITATES GINO) That's to go swimming.
(YELPS) (LAUGHTER) Are we done with this? We have not finished.
Leave that bit there.
Punk.
Leave that, leave that bit there.
That's it.
Done.
That's your haircut.
Right, let's have a before and after picture.
(LAUGHTER) You look younger.
What about for the side? Turn to the side.
You are like an action man.
Please give it up for a brilliant sport - Gino! (APPLAUSE) ALL: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you.
He looks good.
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I will see you all for the Christmas special! All the best! (MUSIC PLAYS) Everybody up! Come on! We'll see you at Christmas!