It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s14e10 Episode Script
Waiting for Big Mo
1 [HECTOR BERLIOZ'S SYMPHONIE FANTASTIQUE PLAYING.]
Goddamn it.
Come on, get in there! Charlie, what are you doing, man? What are you - What's going on over here? - Oh, I'm trying to get each of my toes in these five-fingered shoes, you know what I mean? But there's, like, something's dropping off and I can't tell where my pinky is.
Why did you get the stupid five-finger shoes? Well, you're always yelling at me for taking my shoes off in laser tag, so I figured I'd get some shoes that are like a lot more like bare feet.
- I don't know why you're always yelling at me about - Well, I'm always yelling at you because when you're taking your shoes off, you're not holding your gun.
And also, you know, the cheese you've eaten, it-it's always oozing out of your feet and it's an awful smell.
That's the cheese I hide in my shoes, - that's where it is.
- Okay, well What? I can't even, like, fit cheese in these shoes.
- These things suck.
- Just guard the base, man.
Kind of sick and tired of guarding the base.
What if we go out there, run around? I want to go out there and have some fun, man.
We gotta guard the base.
That's what we always do, and that's what we figured out works a long time ago.
Plus, we're-we're waiting for Big Mo.
- Waiting for who? - We're waiting for Big Mo, man.
The-the hotshot kid and his crew that are climbing up the leaderboard.
Yeah, he's gonna be gunning for our base and we need to protect it.
Ah, who gives a shit, man? There's always some hotshot kid gunning for our base.
Look, Charlie.
How long we been playing laser tag? - A long time.
[CHUCKLES.]
- A long time, baby.
Yeah.
Some people might think that's sad, but that's not sad.
- I think I think it's awesome.
- That's not sad, that's cool.
I think the longer you're in the game, the better, - you know what I mean? - Yes, yeah, no, definitely.
Look.
We're the best, we're-we're awesome, but, um, I'm-I'm done.
I'm moving on.
- I'm - No, no, no, no, no! No, stop.
Stay.
We're playing the game the way we always play it, and we're waiting for Big Mo.
- [HECTOR BERLIOZ'S SYMPHONIE FANTASTIQUE PLAYING.]
- DENNIS: All right.
Everything's going to plan out there.
Yeah, but it does sound like people are out there having fun, you know? - What's with you today, man? - I don't know.
I'm bored.
I want to do something different.
What about, uh, what if we do some riddles? - Riddles? - Yeah.
Frank and I have been doing a lot of riddles to kill the time, you know what I mean? It's I think we'll have a little bit more fun that way.
No.
I'm just gonna guard the base.
Yeah, I know, but here it comes.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? I don't even understand how that's a riddle.
Well, 'cause it's a-a very hard one, okay? - So try take a guess.
- I don't know.
Why? 'Cause it scares the hell out of their dogs.
That's not a riddle.
Yeah, it's a riddle about blind people, you know? - No.
- And-and their dogs, I guess.
No, what you've told me is a joke.
No.
Jokes are funny and that wasn't funny.
I didn't say it was funny.
- Then how is it a joke, Dennis? - [SPUTTERS.]
Um Okay, you know what? Yeah.
No, that was a mind-bending riddle.
- Wow.
- It's a tough one, 'cause you don't think - AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Shh.
- Listen.
- [FEET RUNNING.]
That could be Big Mo.
Get ready.
Get ready, here we go.
- MAC: Get off of me! - DEE: Ah! Get off me! - Stop it! - Dennis, everything was going perfectly.
I was up in the air ducts, just like you said.
- Oh - I was sniping at the red base.
I was at the blue base doing the exact same thing.
- What is? - I tried to crawl down the ducts and pass this uncoordinated monkey.
- We go by each other - We got tangled up and then she spit in my mouth, Dennis.
- She spit in my mouth.
- I spit in your mouth after you jammed me in the tit with your scrawny little elbow.
My elbows are massive and you have no tits! - Your elbows suck! - Ah.
Damn it! Goddamn it, can you do nothing right? This is all your fault.
I've been warning you about your lack of elbow mass for weeks.
You idiot! You fool! And you! [SIGHS.]
You're doing a great job.
Okay? You are killing it out there, and I'm so proud of you! - Now I need you both to get back up there and - CHARLIE: Wait.
I-I actually got an idea.
Like, what if you guys don't play the game up in the air ducts this time, but you go down on the floor? Where everyone's having all the fun? They look like they're having so much fun - playing laser ta - Will you shut up?! This isn't about having fun.
Okay? This is about staying alive and winning.
Okay? And-and it's also it's also about getting these.
Now, Mac what are these? Fun Zone dolla dolla bills, y'all.
Fun Zone dolla dolla bills, y'all.
Okay? I'm trying to get that paper, son.
All right? Win, stay alive, get dat money.
- Feel me? - I feel you.
- But those guys are having fun.
- DEE: Yeah.
And doing something fun out there.
- And that's what I want to do.
- DENNIS: Hey, man.
Could I talk to you for a second, please? - Yeah.
What's up? - What you doing, man? Why-why you why you mucking things up? I mean, I got things down to a science, okay? - Everything's working.
- DEE: Stop it.
- Ah, ah, ah! I know, but, like, these guys are ready to kill each other.
- It's like - I know, but that's what I want, okay? I need their aggression at a ten.
That's when they're most effective.
So I withhold compliments from Mac, because that makes him angry and subservient, so he'll do what I tell him to do.
And I shower Dee with compliments because she feels so undeserving of compliments that she gets angry at herself and she takes that anger out on the children.
- Oh.
- See? Okay.
It's another riddle.
Let me think on that one, Dennis, 'cause I don't know the answer Okay.
Yeah.
You think on that for a while.
I'm gonna do my thing.
- You stop.
- You stop.
Goddamn it, Mac, you thin-elbowed little goblin.
You never cease to disappoint me in everything you do.
Now get back up in those ducts and snipe those other kids' bases.
And don't come down until I tell you to.
And Dee You really are killing it out there.
I'm so proud of you.
You're so deserving of my love.
[MAC GRUNTING.]
[MAC AND DEE YELLING.]
Yeah, see? We just gotta keep playing the game the way we always have.
Yeah.
Hey, is the answer to your riddle, uh, an ice cube? Yeah.
Yep, you got it.
- That was a hard one.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
Pew, pew.
- Pew.
- DENNIS: Oh.
Pew, pew.
Pew, pew.
- Pew, pew.
Oh.
- What are you doing, man? I'm killing it out there.
I haven't been hit once.
It's really a lot of fun.
But I wanted to come and hang out with you guys.
Hey, hey, Charlie, you want to do some riddles? - No, we're not No, that doesn't - Yes.
Yes, I do, hit me.
Is a fart a ghost? Is a fart a ghost? Whoa, that's a hard one.
I don't know.
What's the answer? Yeah.
It's the ghost of lunch.
Ha-ha! - Very good, man! - Good riddle.
- That's a good one.
- Great.
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, so, off you go.
Hey, you know, that's also making me realize, dude, - I'm pretty hungry, man.
- FRANK: Ooh.
- Yeah.
Whoa.
- Yeah, yeah.
Get some, get some cheese out of your shoes.
Yeah, you know what? I couldn't fit any, 'cause I got these stupid five-finger shoes.
- Yeah, I don't - Hey, get back out there, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
No, well, actually, go out to the lobby really quick and get me, like, some chicken wings.
- You want hot sauce on 'em? - DENNIS: No.
I forbid it.
Absolutely not.
What Dude, what is the big deal, man? - What's the big deal? Y Uh - Who even cares? I mean, his pack's not even on, for crying out loud.
- Charlie.
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
- What'd you say? - Nothing.
- It's time we told him, dude.
- No, it's - It's time.
Uh [SIGHS.]
My pack's not on? - I We - [SIGHS.]
We-we turn your pack off so that when you're running around getting shot up, our team doesn't lose any points.
But my gun still makes noise.
Well, no Well, that's you doing that, bud.
No, it isn't.
Pew, pe Yeah.
See, that's you, bud.
Oh, that is me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, man.
So-so I'm not part of the team? - Aw - Well, no, you No, you're a very, v-very valuable part of the team.
You know? Y-You're an amazing decoy.
You know, you run around, you're screaming, and you-you add sort of like a monster element to the game that distracts and frightens but entertains the kids, and, you know, so that Mac and Dee can shoot their bases from the ducts.
I'm the monster of the game? - [SCOFFS.]
- Well, yeah, but, like, you're like a fun monster.
Yeah, like the Cookie Monster.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm the Cookie Monster? - Not really, you know, 'cause - No, well, I guess not - because - There's no cookies.
Well, and also the kids are scared of you - and they're not really scared of him.
- No.
Uh, but, you know, we need you out there because you're very valuable to the formula.
And the formula works, you know what I mean? Uh, you can I'll tell you what, go back out there and, you know, just you can still make the sounds.
- This is really sad - No.
Uh - and I'm gonna turn his pack on because - No, no, stop.
I-I got it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
- I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fine.
- All right.
Thanks anyway, Charlie.
He's gonna do it.
[WHISTLES.]
Oh.
Oh, that makes some good sounds.
- It's cool, right? - [LAUGHS.]
: That's really cool.
Oh.
Ah, I'm all set.
All right.
Get out there and kick some ass, pal.
[IMITATING LASER BLASTS.]
Yeah.
[SCOFFS.]
That's not cool, man.
- Come on, dude.
- Shut up, man.
Just shut up.
He just believed it.
It's you know, it's not cool.
DENNIS: It's pretty cool.
CHARLIE: I don't know.
CHARLIE: Hey, what do you think he looks like? - DENNIS: Who? - Big Mo.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
Some fat little brat probably.
[SCOFFS.]
- Oh.
Oh, is that a riddle? - What? What the kid looks like.
Is it, is it a riddle? Charlie, do you not know what a riddle is? Yeah, sure.
It's like a, like a thing you don't know.
Right? No, it's not just a thing you don't know.
It's like a, it's like a puzzle.
All right, here's a riddle.
Uh "The more you have of it, the less you see.
" What is it? - Cantaloupes.
- What? Cantaloupes is your answer, because if you're holding a pile of cantaloupes, [CHUCKLING.]
: you're not gonna be able to see very much.
- Right.
No.
- You know? Especially if it goes past your face.
No.
That's not the answer.
You telling me you can see through a pile of cantaloupes? That's not the answer to the riddle.
The answer to the riddle is darkness.
Right? The more you have of it, the less you see.
Darkness.
Yeah, but how are you gonna hold a pile of darkness? Does that My God, uh Hold on, hold on.
Wait.
- What is this? - CHARLIE: What's up? DENNIS: W-We're dropping down the leaderboard.
We're in second place.
- Oh, shit.
- Mac and Dee are getting shot up like crazy.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
- MAC: Hey-o! [LAUGHING.]
- Oh, you guys, that is fun! - What the hell is going on out there? You guys are getting lit up.
- Oh.
- Yeah, well, you know, what Charlie said kind of made us stop and think about what the whole point of this was.
Yeah, yeah.
And we figured the point is to - just be happy and have fun, right? - DEE: Yeah.
You know what we did? We-we went down to the "Fun" Zone instead of the "Maintenance" Zone in the ceiling.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [GROANS.]
: Oh - [LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
- [LAUGHS.]
The Maintenance Zone.
That's awesome.
Oh, my God.
That's such a great joke.
I would never How do you even come up with this stuff? [LAUGHING.]
: You're so worthy of my laughter.
You're so worthy.
No.
No, no, she's not worthy of your laughter.
She She told the lamest joke earlier about a blind guy - and a dog or some shit - Yeah.
- CHARLIE: Hey! That's not a joke, that's a riddle.
And don't steal my shit, you stupid bird-faced bitch! - Oh! She is a bird.
She is a bird! - Don't steal my shit, Dee! - I'll blast you to pieces! - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now we're jamming.
Now we're jamming.
- Let's get back out there, Mac.
- DENNIS: No! No, wait, wait.
No, no, no.
You can't just go running out there alone.
That doesn't work.
Okay, you guys are just running around all willy-nilly, doing whatever the hell you want.
We can't do that.
All right, listen.
U-Uh, Mac, Mac.
Tell me something, man.
Who-Whose face is on the 100 dolla dolla bill? Rutherford B.
Crazy, of course.
Rutherford B.
Crazy.
That's right.
Now, uh, why he be crazy, Mac? - Well, uh - I never thought about it.
- I don't - DENNIS: Well, I'll tell you why.
See, my man had a dream.
To get into the laser beam business.
Right? And he never gave up on the fundamentals.
He stuck with what works.
And now he get to go out and be whatever the hell he want to be.
- He get to be crazy.
- MAC: Uh, I don't think Rutherford be a real person.
- CHARLIE: Yeah - That's a cartoon.
No, no, no no, not this guy.
Uh, I don't know who this guy is.
I'm talking about the real guy.
The guy who, like, built this place 30 years ago.
That guy.
He had a plan, he stuck with it, you know, and, uh, and now he gets to be whatever he wanna be.
- You know, he get to be crazy.
- DEE: Okay.
So we aren't allowed to be happy now, but as long as we are unhappy for long enough, - eventually we can be happy? - DENNIS: Well, I'm not saying you g-get to be happy; I'm saying being happy isn't the goal.
The goal is to play the game and grind it out until the end.
And then at the end, then you can, then you can go crazy.
- At the end of what? - I don't the game.
The-the game! You know, whenever we're playing the game.
You know what I mean? And when is the end of the game? I don't know.
Whenever the game ends, okay? Whenever we're back on top of the leaderboard and we got all the dolla dolla bills we need and Can I ask you guys a question? It feels like we've been playing this forever.
- Does-does that feel like that to you? - A lifetime.
Feels like a lifetime.
- Yeah! - I feel like I was born in this game - and I will die in this game.
I-I - DEE: That's right.
And this is the first time I'm having fun in this game.
- Yeah.
- No, but-but it's not about again, it's not about fun.
So just, let's just stick with what works.
Yeah? - Nah.
- Nah, we're gonna go back there and have fun.
Let's have fun! [WHOOPING.]
- Man, I want to have fun.
I want to have fun.
- Goddamn it.
- This is getting out of control, man.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
Oh! Ha! [CHORTLES.]
It's a madhouse out there.
I was bobbing and weaving like crazy.
All right, nice.
At least somebody's out there - doing what he's supposed to be doing.
- Oh, yeah.
I created a great little diversion.
I told this one dad that another dad said that his kid had a tight little dumper.
- Oh.
- Oh! - That caused a riot.
- It did? - Yeah, I'll bet.
- Yeah, it worked.
- Hey, home run, Frank.
- Yeah.
- Although I'm a little surprised it's not helping Mac and Dee more.
They're getting - slaughtered out there in the war zone.
- Yeah.
Whoa.
A war zone? I was in the Wing Zone.
You know, it was such a line.
I mean, I had to create a melee to disperse it.
Goddamn it, Frank! You weren't supposed to get wings! - [BUZZING.]
- Oh, shit, did you get hit? - Did you get hit? - Oh.
No, no, no, no.
No, Charlie.
That's my signal that the food is ready.
- Oh! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna go.
- Nice.
Get some wings, baby.
FRANK: All right, I'm gonna get some wings.
Wait, wait, wait, Frank, before you go, - hang on, hang on.
Let me, uh - No, don't Charlie.
- No, it's just so simple.
Ready? - Charlie.
- What? [WHINING LOUDLY.]
Oh! Charlie.
- That's the way.
- Pretty good, right? - Now we're talking.
I'll be back.
- All right.
- See you, Frankie! - Okay! See how happy he was? I made a sound, too, - 'cause I feel like that was - You are messing it up.
- CHARLIE: Dude - [ECHOES.]
: You are messing it all up! - CHARLIE: Can we just go play? - DENNIS: No, we No! We have to wait for Big Mo.
Why do you care so much about this kid? Goddamn it, Charlie! Don't you get it, man? It's not the kid.
Okay, it's not the kid, it's-it's it's what the kid represents.
What, obesity? No! Not obesity.
I don't even know if the kid's fat.
He's just called - He's probably fat.
- He's probably fat.
Yeah.
Obesity rates being what they are, - he's a fat kid.
- It's out of control.
- Feel like all those kids are fat.
- Well, most kids I see running around here are pretty fat They eat so much sugar these days, man.
- Well, it's in everything.
- Whatever.
The point is, like, I You know, there's always some Big Mo, some kid coming in.
He wants to shoot you up, and he's he wants to take what you got.
I don't want to give him what I got.
What, I'm supposed to give it to him, man? I'm just supposed to let him have it? Who gives a shit about the Big Moes of the world, right? 'Cause we, we play the game, we play the game, but it's not like we ever win anything.
Dude, what are you talking about? We've-we've been winning for years, man.
You know.
We're the best! Yeah, but, like, it's not like we have anything to show for it.
Whatever, dude.
I got mad dolla dolla bills.
When those dolla dolla bills stop coming in because we stop playing the game [SCOFFS.]
dude, you know, you're not gonna have those little plastic army guys that you like to play with.
- Oh, shit.
- You set 'em all up and you have 'em "pew" That is how I get them.
I get them here.
You Oh, and the little box of bouncy balls that you love? - They bounce so high! - Dude, what is that? - It's like the bounciest technology in the world.
- Exactly.
- Why is that? - I don't know.
And you can only get 'em here.
But you lose 'em 'cause they bounce too high.
Yeah, you'd lose them sometimes.
- But you-you eat 'em.
- Nah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I've seen you put 'em in your mouth.
I've just tested 'em, you know, see - You tested 'em? - Tested 'em out, and sometimes I'm testing them in my stomach just to see how they pass.
- Well, that's eating.
- Nah.
Okay.
But either way, pal, you like 'em, right? - I do.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You want more of 'em? - I do.
- Gonna need them dolla dolla bills to-to-to get more of 'em, which means we got to stay on top of the leaderboard, we got to win at the game.
And-and-and what about our reputation, man? - Oh - Think about, like, our-our legacy, dude.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
We've been in this game the longest, right? But when we stop, you think they're gonna throw us some kind of parade? [CHUCKLES.]
- They're not, no.
- Hell no, man.
We're just gonna be a-a bunch of dudes who, who played the game once, you know? You want to be a ghost? - No.
- Like the, like the fart of meals past? You just dissipate into the air, and then everybody forgets that you ever smelled up the place? - What do you mean I disappear? - Like a fart, man.
That's what I'm talking about.
'Cause that's what Big Mo is.
That's what he represents.
It's like a, a death.
- Death?! - A dissipation.
That's right.
So if you're talking about going out there and having some fun, all alone, by yourself, to see what's out there? You know what I mean? You're giving this all up.
Okay? And you're not just giving up being at the top of the leaderboard at some, you know, laser-amusement-themed park, man, you're talking about giving up everything.
Everything.
Everything we built.
- Everything we worked so hard for.
- Goddamn it, you're right.
That's the death! We'll be done! We'll be gone! - Exactly, it's a death.
- We won't exist! And we don't know if we're ever gonna achieve that success - ever again just out there.
- Damn it, all right, fine, you're right.
We got, we got to guard this space, and we can't let Big Mo come in here! That's what I'm talking about, man.
That's what I'm talking about.
CHARLIE: Oh, shit, though.
We're going down the leaderboard, man! DENNIS: Hey, we can get it back, man.
- We got to protect the base, okay? Are you with me? - Yes! Yes! I'm never gonna stop playing this game! - AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
- I'm never gonna stop - Chicken wings! Okay, yeah, let me get some.
- Here you go, here - Come on, let's do it.
All right, baby.
- What are you doing?! - Got wings.
I was trying to keep Charlie focused, and you ruined everything with your goddamn wings, okay? We get him wings at the end! At the end! This game is going on too long! Look, man, WWRD, right? WWRD.
What would Rutherford do? - Hmm? - Who? Rutherford B.
Crazy, the guy, the guy, the guy who built this entire emp-empire.
- What would he do? - He'd do nothing.
He's dead.
I'm talking about the guy.
The real guy.
- Not-not the cartoon.
- Nah, the real guy.
Rutherford B.
Crazy.
He's actually, his real name - is Larry Takashi.
- Ah? Yeah.
I worked with him in the '90s.
He's dead.
- Huh.
- That, that can't be right.
- No, it's true.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
- [MAC CHUCKLING.]
- Did you see the look on that kid's face when I grabbed his glasses and I-I threw 'em on the ground - and stomped all over 'em? - He blasted us to pieces, but it was worth it just to see his little ass cry.
Oh, Charlie, you got to get out there with us.
It's so fun.
We're finding all kinds - of corners of this place that we've never explored before.
- Yeah, I'd love to, I really would, but we're actually we're losing right now.
- MAC: Losing? - I got to stay here.
- What? Yeah.
- Huh? Who cares if we're losing? Dennis said, like, if-if-if we, if we leave the base, death is gonna come in the form of a fat kid who's gonna turn us into fart ghosts or something like that.
So I got to stay.
What? Death is gonna come in the form of a fat child, who will turn us into a fart.
It sounds crazy now that I'm saying it.
Dennis explained it a lot more better.
Dennis, we can't leave the base, right? That's the deal? No.
Frank was right.
Rutherford B.
Crazy's real name was Larry Takashi.
Yeah, and he was the founder and owner of Laser Tag Fun Zone.
Yeah.
So what, though? Well, apparently, he killed himself.
- Really? - What? Yeah.
He offed himself about three years back now.
- Oh.
- Just opened his 100th Laser Tag Fun Zone, and he drove himself to a wishing well and threw himself down it.
Well, uh, hang on.
Maybe it was a, - maybe it was an accident.
- Oh.
Uh, no, he wrote a suicide note on a Fun Zone dolla dolla bill, and it said, "It all meant nothing.
" - Ugh.
- Damn, man.
- Pretty grim.
- That's bleak.
- That's kind of bumming me out.
- It's clear.
Very clear.
- Killed my appetite.
- DENNIS: Mm-hmm.
Nobody came to his funeral.
According to this, his employees all hated him, and his family barely knew him.
I mean, the guy was miserable.
But he spent his life building this empire, and-and it all meant nothing? Shit.
So Rutherford be rich.
Rutherford be successful as all hell.
But you know what else Rutherford be? Rutherford be right.
Because it all means nothing if you're not enjoying it.
The dolla dolla bills, you know? The reputation, the longevity, even the game itself.
What the hell does it matter if you're not having fun? You know, if you're not having fun anymore, than screw it.
So if something deep down inside you is telling you it's time to move on, then maybe that's what we should do.
So that's it? That's it.
- Time to end the game? - Time to end the game.
Goodbye, base? Goodbye to the base we've held down for so long.
I am gonna miss it.
But it's time to let Big Mo have it.
MAC: Hey, Big Mo.
[FRANK CHUCKLES.]
Oh, what? You thought we'd gone? You'd like that, wouldn't you? We ain't going anywhere.
We're never leaving, you little piece of shit.
DENNIS: Let him have it.
[ALL SHOUTING AND LAUGHING.]
Yeah, light him up.
[TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS.]
Goddamn it.
Come on, get in there! Charlie, what are you doing, man? What are you - What's going on over here? - Oh, I'm trying to get each of my toes in these five-fingered shoes, you know what I mean? But there's, like, something's dropping off and I can't tell where my pinky is.
Why did you get the stupid five-finger shoes? Well, you're always yelling at me for taking my shoes off in laser tag, so I figured I'd get some shoes that are like a lot more like bare feet.
- I don't know why you're always yelling at me about - Well, I'm always yelling at you because when you're taking your shoes off, you're not holding your gun.
And also, you know, the cheese you've eaten, it-it's always oozing out of your feet and it's an awful smell.
That's the cheese I hide in my shoes, - that's where it is.
- Okay, well What? I can't even, like, fit cheese in these shoes.
- These things suck.
- Just guard the base, man.
Kind of sick and tired of guarding the base.
What if we go out there, run around? I want to go out there and have some fun, man.
We gotta guard the base.
That's what we always do, and that's what we figured out works a long time ago.
Plus, we're-we're waiting for Big Mo.
- Waiting for who? - We're waiting for Big Mo, man.
The-the hotshot kid and his crew that are climbing up the leaderboard.
Yeah, he's gonna be gunning for our base and we need to protect it.
Ah, who gives a shit, man? There's always some hotshot kid gunning for our base.
Look, Charlie.
How long we been playing laser tag? - A long time.
[CHUCKLES.]
- A long time, baby.
Yeah.
Some people might think that's sad, but that's not sad.
- I think I think it's awesome.
- That's not sad, that's cool.
I think the longer you're in the game, the better, - you know what I mean? - Yes, yeah, no, definitely.
Look.
We're the best, we're-we're awesome, but, um, I'm-I'm done.
I'm moving on.
- I'm - No, no, no, no, no! No, stop.
Stay.
We're playing the game the way we always play it, and we're waiting for Big Mo.
- [HECTOR BERLIOZ'S SYMPHONIE FANTASTIQUE PLAYING.]
- DENNIS: All right.
Everything's going to plan out there.
Yeah, but it does sound like people are out there having fun, you know? - What's with you today, man? - I don't know.
I'm bored.
I want to do something different.
What about, uh, what if we do some riddles? - Riddles? - Yeah.
Frank and I have been doing a lot of riddles to kill the time, you know what I mean? It's I think we'll have a little bit more fun that way.
No.
I'm just gonna guard the base.
Yeah, I know, but here it comes.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? I don't even understand how that's a riddle.
Well, 'cause it's a-a very hard one, okay? - So try take a guess.
- I don't know.
Why? 'Cause it scares the hell out of their dogs.
That's not a riddle.
Yeah, it's a riddle about blind people, you know? - No.
- And-and their dogs, I guess.
No, what you've told me is a joke.
No.
Jokes are funny and that wasn't funny.
I didn't say it was funny.
- Then how is it a joke, Dennis? - [SPUTTERS.]
Um Okay, you know what? Yeah.
No, that was a mind-bending riddle.
- Wow.
- It's a tough one, 'cause you don't think - AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Shh.
- Listen.
- [FEET RUNNING.]
That could be Big Mo.
Get ready.
Get ready, here we go.
- MAC: Get off of me! - DEE: Ah! Get off me! - Stop it! - Dennis, everything was going perfectly.
I was up in the air ducts, just like you said.
- Oh - I was sniping at the red base.
I was at the blue base doing the exact same thing.
- What is? - I tried to crawl down the ducts and pass this uncoordinated monkey.
- We go by each other - We got tangled up and then she spit in my mouth, Dennis.
- She spit in my mouth.
- I spit in your mouth after you jammed me in the tit with your scrawny little elbow.
My elbows are massive and you have no tits! - Your elbows suck! - Ah.
Damn it! Goddamn it, can you do nothing right? This is all your fault.
I've been warning you about your lack of elbow mass for weeks.
You idiot! You fool! And you! [SIGHS.]
You're doing a great job.
Okay? You are killing it out there, and I'm so proud of you! - Now I need you both to get back up there and - CHARLIE: Wait.
I-I actually got an idea.
Like, what if you guys don't play the game up in the air ducts this time, but you go down on the floor? Where everyone's having all the fun? They look like they're having so much fun - playing laser ta - Will you shut up?! This isn't about having fun.
Okay? This is about staying alive and winning.
Okay? And-and it's also it's also about getting these.
Now, Mac what are these? Fun Zone dolla dolla bills, y'all.
Fun Zone dolla dolla bills, y'all.
Okay? I'm trying to get that paper, son.
All right? Win, stay alive, get dat money.
- Feel me? - I feel you.
- But those guys are having fun.
- DEE: Yeah.
And doing something fun out there.
- And that's what I want to do.
- DENNIS: Hey, man.
Could I talk to you for a second, please? - Yeah.
What's up? - What you doing, man? Why-why you why you mucking things up? I mean, I got things down to a science, okay? - Everything's working.
- DEE: Stop it.
- Ah, ah, ah! I know, but, like, these guys are ready to kill each other.
- It's like - I know, but that's what I want, okay? I need their aggression at a ten.
That's when they're most effective.
So I withhold compliments from Mac, because that makes him angry and subservient, so he'll do what I tell him to do.
And I shower Dee with compliments because she feels so undeserving of compliments that she gets angry at herself and she takes that anger out on the children.
- Oh.
- See? Okay.
It's another riddle.
Let me think on that one, Dennis, 'cause I don't know the answer Okay.
Yeah.
You think on that for a while.
I'm gonna do my thing.
- You stop.
- You stop.
Goddamn it, Mac, you thin-elbowed little goblin.
You never cease to disappoint me in everything you do.
Now get back up in those ducts and snipe those other kids' bases.
And don't come down until I tell you to.
And Dee You really are killing it out there.
I'm so proud of you.
You're so deserving of my love.
[MAC GRUNTING.]
[MAC AND DEE YELLING.]
Yeah, see? We just gotta keep playing the game the way we always have.
Yeah.
Hey, is the answer to your riddle, uh, an ice cube? Yeah.
Yep, you got it.
- That was a hard one.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
Pew, pew.
- Pew.
- DENNIS: Oh.
Pew, pew.
Pew, pew.
- Pew, pew.
Oh.
- What are you doing, man? I'm killing it out there.
I haven't been hit once.
It's really a lot of fun.
But I wanted to come and hang out with you guys.
Hey, hey, Charlie, you want to do some riddles? - No, we're not No, that doesn't - Yes.
Yes, I do, hit me.
Is a fart a ghost? Is a fart a ghost? Whoa, that's a hard one.
I don't know.
What's the answer? Yeah.
It's the ghost of lunch.
Ha-ha! - Very good, man! - Good riddle.
- That's a good one.
- Great.
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, so, off you go.
Hey, you know, that's also making me realize, dude, - I'm pretty hungry, man.
- FRANK: Ooh.
- Yeah.
Whoa.
- Yeah, yeah.
Get some, get some cheese out of your shoes.
Yeah, you know what? I couldn't fit any, 'cause I got these stupid five-finger shoes.
- Yeah, I don't - Hey, get back out there, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
No, well, actually, go out to the lobby really quick and get me, like, some chicken wings.
- You want hot sauce on 'em? - DENNIS: No.
I forbid it.
Absolutely not.
What Dude, what is the big deal, man? - What's the big deal? Y Uh - Who even cares? I mean, his pack's not even on, for crying out loud.
- Charlie.
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
- What'd you say? - Nothing.
- It's time we told him, dude.
- No, it's - It's time.
Uh [SIGHS.]
My pack's not on? - I We - [SIGHS.]
We-we turn your pack off so that when you're running around getting shot up, our team doesn't lose any points.
But my gun still makes noise.
Well, no Well, that's you doing that, bud.
No, it isn't.
Pew, pe Yeah.
See, that's you, bud.
Oh, that is me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, man.
So-so I'm not part of the team? - Aw - Well, no, you No, you're a very, v-very valuable part of the team.
You know? Y-You're an amazing decoy.
You know, you run around, you're screaming, and you-you add sort of like a monster element to the game that distracts and frightens but entertains the kids, and, you know, so that Mac and Dee can shoot their bases from the ducts.
I'm the monster of the game? - [SCOFFS.]
- Well, yeah, but, like, you're like a fun monster.
Yeah, like the Cookie Monster.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm the Cookie Monster? - Not really, you know, 'cause - No, well, I guess not - because - There's no cookies.
Well, and also the kids are scared of you - and they're not really scared of him.
- No.
Uh, but, you know, we need you out there because you're very valuable to the formula.
And the formula works, you know what I mean? Uh, you can I'll tell you what, go back out there and, you know, just you can still make the sounds.
- This is really sad - No.
Uh - and I'm gonna turn his pack on because - No, no, stop.
I-I got it.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
- I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fine.
- All right.
Thanks anyway, Charlie.
He's gonna do it.
[WHISTLES.]
Oh.
Oh, that makes some good sounds.
- It's cool, right? - [LAUGHS.]
: That's really cool.
Oh.
Ah, I'm all set.
All right.
Get out there and kick some ass, pal.
[IMITATING LASER BLASTS.]
Yeah.
[SCOFFS.]
That's not cool, man.
- Come on, dude.
- Shut up, man.
Just shut up.
He just believed it.
It's you know, it's not cool.
DENNIS: It's pretty cool.
CHARLIE: I don't know.
CHARLIE: Hey, what do you think he looks like? - DENNIS: Who? - Big Mo.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
Some fat little brat probably.
[SCOFFS.]
- Oh.
Oh, is that a riddle? - What? What the kid looks like.
Is it, is it a riddle? Charlie, do you not know what a riddle is? Yeah, sure.
It's like a, like a thing you don't know.
Right? No, it's not just a thing you don't know.
It's like a, it's like a puzzle.
All right, here's a riddle.
Uh "The more you have of it, the less you see.
" What is it? - Cantaloupes.
- What? Cantaloupes is your answer, because if you're holding a pile of cantaloupes, [CHUCKLING.]
: you're not gonna be able to see very much.
- Right.
No.
- You know? Especially if it goes past your face.
No.
That's not the answer.
You telling me you can see through a pile of cantaloupes? That's not the answer to the riddle.
The answer to the riddle is darkness.
Right? The more you have of it, the less you see.
Darkness.
Yeah, but how are you gonna hold a pile of darkness? Does that My God, uh Hold on, hold on.
Wait.
- What is this? - CHARLIE: What's up? DENNIS: W-We're dropping down the leaderboard.
We're in second place.
- Oh, shit.
- Mac and Dee are getting shot up like crazy.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
- MAC: Hey-o! [LAUGHING.]
- Oh, you guys, that is fun! - What the hell is going on out there? You guys are getting lit up.
- Oh.
- Yeah, well, you know, what Charlie said kind of made us stop and think about what the whole point of this was.
Yeah, yeah.
And we figured the point is to - just be happy and have fun, right? - DEE: Yeah.
You know what we did? We-we went down to the "Fun" Zone instead of the "Maintenance" Zone in the ceiling.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [GROANS.]
: Oh - [LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
- [LAUGHS.]
The Maintenance Zone.
That's awesome.
Oh, my God.
That's such a great joke.
I would never How do you even come up with this stuff? [LAUGHING.]
: You're so worthy of my laughter.
You're so worthy.
No.
No, no, she's not worthy of your laughter.
She She told the lamest joke earlier about a blind guy - and a dog or some shit - Yeah.
- CHARLIE: Hey! That's not a joke, that's a riddle.
And don't steal my shit, you stupid bird-faced bitch! - Oh! She is a bird.
She is a bird! - Don't steal my shit, Dee! - I'll blast you to pieces! - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now we're jamming.
Now we're jamming.
- Let's get back out there, Mac.
- DENNIS: No! No, wait, wait.
No, no, no.
You can't just go running out there alone.
That doesn't work.
Okay, you guys are just running around all willy-nilly, doing whatever the hell you want.
We can't do that.
All right, listen.
U-Uh, Mac, Mac.
Tell me something, man.
Who-Whose face is on the 100 dolla dolla bill? Rutherford B.
Crazy, of course.
Rutherford B.
Crazy.
That's right.
Now, uh, why he be crazy, Mac? - Well, uh - I never thought about it.
- I don't - DENNIS: Well, I'll tell you why.
See, my man had a dream.
To get into the laser beam business.
Right? And he never gave up on the fundamentals.
He stuck with what works.
And now he get to go out and be whatever the hell he want to be.
- He get to be crazy.
- MAC: Uh, I don't think Rutherford be a real person.
- CHARLIE: Yeah - That's a cartoon.
No, no, no no, not this guy.
Uh, I don't know who this guy is.
I'm talking about the real guy.
The guy who, like, built this place 30 years ago.
That guy.
He had a plan, he stuck with it, you know, and, uh, and now he gets to be whatever he wanna be.
- You know, he get to be crazy.
- DEE: Okay.
So we aren't allowed to be happy now, but as long as we are unhappy for long enough, - eventually we can be happy? - DENNIS: Well, I'm not saying you g-get to be happy; I'm saying being happy isn't the goal.
The goal is to play the game and grind it out until the end.
And then at the end, then you can, then you can go crazy.
- At the end of what? - I don't the game.
The-the game! You know, whenever we're playing the game.
You know what I mean? And when is the end of the game? I don't know.
Whenever the game ends, okay? Whenever we're back on top of the leaderboard and we got all the dolla dolla bills we need and Can I ask you guys a question? It feels like we've been playing this forever.
- Does-does that feel like that to you? - A lifetime.
Feels like a lifetime.
- Yeah! - I feel like I was born in this game - and I will die in this game.
I-I - DEE: That's right.
And this is the first time I'm having fun in this game.
- Yeah.
- No, but-but it's not about again, it's not about fun.
So just, let's just stick with what works.
Yeah? - Nah.
- Nah, we're gonna go back there and have fun.
Let's have fun! [WHOOPING.]
- Man, I want to have fun.
I want to have fun.
- Goddamn it.
- This is getting out of control, man.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
Oh! Ha! [CHORTLES.]
It's a madhouse out there.
I was bobbing and weaving like crazy.
All right, nice.
At least somebody's out there - doing what he's supposed to be doing.
- Oh, yeah.
I created a great little diversion.
I told this one dad that another dad said that his kid had a tight little dumper.
- Oh.
- Oh! - That caused a riot.
- It did? - Yeah, I'll bet.
- Yeah, it worked.
- Hey, home run, Frank.
- Yeah.
- Although I'm a little surprised it's not helping Mac and Dee more.
They're getting - slaughtered out there in the war zone.
- Yeah.
Whoa.
A war zone? I was in the Wing Zone.
You know, it was such a line.
I mean, I had to create a melee to disperse it.
Goddamn it, Frank! You weren't supposed to get wings! - [BUZZING.]
- Oh, shit, did you get hit? - Did you get hit? - Oh.
No, no, no, no.
No, Charlie.
That's my signal that the food is ready.
- Oh! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna go.
- Nice.
Get some wings, baby.
FRANK: All right, I'm gonna get some wings.
Wait, wait, wait, Frank, before you go, - hang on, hang on.
Let me, uh - No, don't Charlie.
- No, it's just so simple.
Ready? - Charlie.
- What? [WHINING LOUDLY.]
Oh! Charlie.
- That's the way.
- Pretty good, right? - Now we're talking.
I'll be back.
- All right.
- See you, Frankie! - Okay! See how happy he was? I made a sound, too, - 'cause I feel like that was - You are messing it up.
- CHARLIE: Dude - [ECHOES.]
: You are messing it all up! - CHARLIE: Can we just go play? - DENNIS: No, we No! We have to wait for Big Mo.
Why do you care so much about this kid? Goddamn it, Charlie! Don't you get it, man? It's not the kid.
Okay, it's not the kid, it's-it's it's what the kid represents.
What, obesity? No! Not obesity.
I don't even know if the kid's fat.
He's just called - He's probably fat.
- He's probably fat.
Yeah.
Obesity rates being what they are, - he's a fat kid.
- It's out of control.
- Feel like all those kids are fat.
- Well, most kids I see running around here are pretty fat They eat so much sugar these days, man.
- Well, it's in everything.
- Whatever.
The point is, like, I You know, there's always some Big Mo, some kid coming in.
He wants to shoot you up, and he's he wants to take what you got.
I don't want to give him what I got.
What, I'm supposed to give it to him, man? I'm just supposed to let him have it? Who gives a shit about the Big Moes of the world, right? 'Cause we, we play the game, we play the game, but it's not like we ever win anything.
Dude, what are you talking about? We've-we've been winning for years, man.
You know.
We're the best! Yeah, but, like, it's not like we have anything to show for it.
Whatever, dude.
I got mad dolla dolla bills.
When those dolla dolla bills stop coming in because we stop playing the game [SCOFFS.]
dude, you know, you're not gonna have those little plastic army guys that you like to play with.
- Oh, shit.
- You set 'em all up and you have 'em "pew" That is how I get them.
I get them here.
You Oh, and the little box of bouncy balls that you love? - They bounce so high! - Dude, what is that? - It's like the bounciest technology in the world.
- Exactly.
- Why is that? - I don't know.
And you can only get 'em here.
But you lose 'em 'cause they bounce too high.
Yeah, you'd lose them sometimes.
- But you-you eat 'em.
- Nah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I've seen you put 'em in your mouth.
I've just tested 'em, you know, see - You tested 'em? - Tested 'em out, and sometimes I'm testing them in my stomach just to see how they pass.
- Well, that's eating.
- Nah.
Okay.
But either way, pal, you like 'em, right? - I do.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You want more of 'em? - I do.
- Gonna need them dolla dolla bills to-to-to get more of 'em, which means we got to stay on top of the leaderboard, we got to win at the game.
And-and-and what about our reputation, man? - Oh - Think about, like, our-our legacy, dude.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
We've been in this game the longest, right? But when we stop, you think they're gonna throw us some kind of parade? [CHUCKLES.]
- They're not, no.
- Hell no, man.
We're just gonna be a-a bunch of dudes who, who played the game once, you know? You want to be a ghost? - No.
- Like the, like the fart of meals past? You just dissipate into the air, and then everybody forgets that you ever smelled up the place? - What do you mean I disappear? - Like a fart, man.
That's what I'm talking about.
'Cause that's what Big Mo is.
That's what he represents.
It's like a, a death.
- Death?! - A dissipation.
That's right.
So if you're talking about going out there and having some fun, all alone, by yourself, to see what's out there? You know what I mean? You're giving this all up.
Okay? And you're not just giving up being at the top of the leaderboard at some, you know, laser-amusement-themed park, man, you're talking about giving up everything.
Everything.
Everything we built.
- Everything we worked so hard for.
- Goddamn it, you're right.
That's the death! We'll be done! We'll be gone! - Exactly, it's a death.
- We won't exist! And we don't know if we're ever gonna achieve that success - ever again just out there.
- Damn it, all right, fine, you're right.
We got, we got to guard this space, and we can't let Big Mo come in here! That's what I'm talking about, man.
That's what I'm talking about.
CHARLIE: Oh, shit, though.
We're going down the leaderboard, man! DENNIS: Hey, we can get it back, man.
- We got to protect the base, okay? Are you with me? - Yes! Yes! I'm never gonna stop playing this game! - AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
- I'm never gonna stop - Chicken wings! Okay, yeah, let me get some.
- Here you go, here - Come on, let's do it.
All right, baby.
- What are you doing?! - Got wings.
I was trying to keep Charlie focused, and you ruined everything with your goddamn wings, okay? We get him wings at the end! At the end! This game is going on too long! Look, man, WWRD, right? WWRD.
What would Rutherford do? - Hmm? - Who? Rutherford B.
Crazy, the guy, the guy, the guy who built this entire emp-empire.
- What would he do? - He'd do nothing.
He's dead.
I'm talking about the guy.
The real guy.
- Not-not the cartoon.
- Nah, the real guy.
Rutherford B.
Crazy.
He's actually, his real name - is Larry Takashi.
- Ah? Yeah.
I worked with him in the '90s.
He's dead.
- Huh.
- That, that can't be right.
- No, it's true.
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.
- [MAC CHUCKLING.]
- Did you see the look on that kid's face when I grabbed his glasses and I-I threw 'em on the ground - and stomped all over 'em? - He blasted us to pieces, but it was worth it just to see his little ass cry.
Oh, Charlie, you got to get out there with us.
It's so fun.
We're finding all kinds - of corners of this place that we've never explored before.
- Yeah, I'd love to, I really would, but we're actually we're losing right now.
- MAC: Losing? - I got to stay here.
- What? Yeah.
- Huh? Who cares if we're losing? Dennis said, like, if-if-if we, if we leave the base, death is gonna come in the form of a fat kid who's gonna turn us into fart ghosts or something like that.
So I got to stay.
What? Death is gonna come in the form of a fat child, who will turn us into a fart.
It sounds crazy now that I'm saying it.
Dennis explained it a lot more better.
Dennis, we can't leave the base, right? That's the deal? No.
Frank was right.
Rutherford B.
Crazy's real name was Larry Takashi.
Yeah, and he was the founder and owner of Laser Tag Fun Zone.
Yeah.
So what, though? Well, apparently, he killed himself.
- Really? - What? Yeah.
He offed himself about three years back now.
- Oh.
- Just opened his 100th Laser Tag Fun Zone, and he drove himself to a wishing well and threw himself down it.
Well, uh, hang on.
Maybe it was a, - maybe it was an accident.
- Oh.
Uh, no, he wrote a suicide note on a Fun Zone dolla dolla bill, and it said, "It all meant nothing.
" - Ugh.
- Damn, man.
- Pretty grim.
- That's bleak.
- That's kind of bumming me out.
- It's clear.
Very clear.
- Killed my appetite.
- DENNIS: Mm-hmm.
Nobody came to his funeral.
According to this, his employees all hated him, and his family barely knew him.
I mean, the guy was miserable.
But he spent his life building this empire, and-and it all meant nothing? Shit.
So Rutherford be rich.
Rutherford be successful as all hell.
But you know what else Rutherford be? Rutherford be right.
Because it all means nothing if you're not enjoying it.
The dolla dolla bills, you know? The reputation, the longevity, even the game itself.
What the hell does it matter if you're not having fun? You know, if you're not having fun anymore, than screw it.
So if something deep down inside you is telling you it's time to move on, then maybe that's what we should do.
So that's it? That's it.
- Time to end the game? - Time to end the game.
Goodbye, base? Goodbye to the base we've held down for so long.
I am gonna miss it.
But it's time to let Big Mo have it.
MAC: Hey, Big Mo.
[FRANK CHUCKLES.]
Oh, what? You thought we'd gone? You'd like that, wouldn't you? We ain't going anywhere.
We're never leaving, you little piece of shit.
DENNIS: Let him have it.
[ALL SHOUTING AND LAUGHING.]
Yeah, light him up.
[TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS.]