Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e11 Episode Script

1 How do? I'm Keith Lemon and these are my sweet-arse titles.
Here's Holly Willough-booby coming out of a giant crab.
Check out those bangers.
Here's Gino d'Acampo covering for Fearne while she's having a baby.
How is that possible? We're all in heaven, but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to do the best show on t'telly.
What is that show? Celebrity Juice! On t'telly.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas everyone! It's Christmas! Hello.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Just before we go on with the show I just want to say Merry Christmas.
Happy birthday, baby Jesus.
Without you I wouldn't be sat here in a synthetic suit with holly printed on it that's making my balls all sweaty.
What I want to do now is introduce our first Christmas cracker.
It's none other than Holly Willough-booby! (CHEERING) Thank you! Wow! I like this! Holly, who's on your team? On my right, strictly speaking, he's an incredible dancer - it's Jay McGuinness! (APPLAUSE) And on my left is actress and northern goddess, Michelle Keegan! (APPLAUSE) There you go.
All right, Keegan? I'm all right.
Are you? You don't get out any more since you got married.
Fuck off.
Our other team caption is Gin-ho-h-h-ho d'Acampo! (CHEERING) Gi-no! Gi-no! Thank you.
Gino.
Do they celebrate Christmas in Italy? We do.
What's Father Christmas called in Italy? Babbo Natale.
Uh, Father - what? He's called Babbo Natale.
But that's a space moon in Star Wars, isn't it? "We are lost in Babbo Natale!" (LAUGHTER) No.
Gino, who's on your team? On my left, filling us with Christmas cheese, is Jimmy Carr! (APPLAUSE) Whoa whoa whoa! You can't invite me here and accuse me of filling an arse with Christmas cheer.
Filling arse with Christmas jizz? I mean, I might.
The night is young.
On my right, the best Christmas present you can wish for is Louise Kidnap.
No, Redknapp.
(LAUGHTER) You have a very difficult surname.
What's her surname? Red K-napp.
Red K-napp? Why don't we say the first name? Jimmy and Louise.
Yeah.
OK.
Your surname is the most difficult.
Have you got eyeliner on? No.
(LAUGHTER) It's guyliner.
We're both wearing it.
You've both got guyliner on? Yes, we have! He's got more than me! Ha ha ha! I told him, I want the same.
The eyes look really good.
Michelle, you and Mark are married now.
Yeah.
They're married! Congratulations! (APPLAUSE) I got loads of shit on Twitter about you and Mark getting married.
Did you? You know what they say about you.
You found a good guy.
You're both good-looking, like two hot dogs in wigs with teeth.
(LAUGHTER) We've got a picture of you on your wedding day.
(LAUGHTER) Two hot dogs.
Good hair.
No, here's the real picture.
ALL: Ah.
Was Mark emotional at your wedding? He was, yeah.
How many times did he cry? Quite a few.
Did he cry loads? Yeah, he did.
He's quite emotional anyway.
Anyway, according to FHM, you are the sexiest woman alive, in the world.
Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE) Is there a list of dead women as well? No.
That's just for the weirdos.
"Here's the dead people" "You fucking dead bastards.
" (LAUGHTER) Louise, you've won it before, haven't you? Oh, 20 years ago.
By 'eck, you won 20 years ago? I'm not that old! I used to pull fist to that magazine! Oh! (ALL GROAN) Holly, you was 35th sexiest woman.
Oh.
(CHEERING) I'll be honest.
I think you should be higher up.
Oh, bless you.
I'm sorry for Fearne, that wasn't in it.
She was.
She was on the cover of Men's Health.
(LAUGHTER) Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, Fearne.
Merry Christmas.
On behalf of Fearne, you ginger wanker.
Yay! (CHEERING) Louise, you used to be an Eternal.
Yeah.
There you are.
You were about 12.
You didn't do the big reunion? I didn't, no.
Did they not ask you? No! They didn't ask you? They didn't ask the fittest one in Eternal to go back to Eternal? Were they drunk? I didn't know they were doing it until I saw it.
They must have asked you.
Can we not get into this? Are you not allowed to say? You can, cos it's over now.
No.
I didn't do it.
I didn't know it was happening.
Wow.
/ It's slightly weird that Eternal didn't last.
Yeah! (LAUGHTER) No - it - I mean, they were called Eternal.
(LAUGHTER) I've got some lyrics from one of your songs, not an Eternal song.
Oh, great It's the classic Naked.
"I feel your lips, your fingertips Get inside, play with my mind You make me feel naked Oh, I'm hypnotised (Oh, hypnotised)" in brackets.
What were t'message of that song? (LAUGHS) Ha ha ha! What's it about? It was all about the dance routine.
And you had this outfit on that glowed.
It glowed in the dark.
I loved it.
Do you keep outfits? Yeah, I've still got that.
I can't fit in it.
Of course you can.
You're as fit as the first day I pumped fist to you.
(LAUGHTER) Strictly speaking, it's Jay McGuiness! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Strictly.
How's it going? So far so good.
It all depends when this show transmits.
Obviously it'll be round Christmas time.
Yeah, who knows? We can record versions.
"It was awful when my partner died in a freak accident," get upset, then, "Oh, it was amazing when we won.
" You've got both.
It was something I'll treasure for ever, and wonderful, and pretty embarrassing.
I'd rather not talk about it.
(LAUGHTER) You're still in the competition.
What's it like now? Who's your competition, would you say? That's a bit hard, isn't it? Be a bit more generic.
Jay, do you do you like ice cream? (LAUGHTER) When you do really well and get high scores, you seem to zone out.
There you are.
"Oh, fuck, I've put a sock in my underpant drawer.
" (LAUGHTER) What is the feeling afterwards? I think it's just slowly realising that I lack personality.
(LAUGHTER) There's not really much going on.
(LAUGHTER) Bollocks, bollocks.
Are you shattered afterwards? No, there's like a big adrenalin dump, and then - what? (LAUGHTER) There's adrenalin, and then, "Now what?" and everybody just goes home.
Keegan, would you do Strictly? I'd never say never, but the thought is terrifying.
Jimmy, would you do Strictly? No.
No? They make you wear stuff that's ridiculous.
I would never (LAUGHTER) Do you like Christmas? Huge fan of Christmas.
You've always struck me as someone who might not like Christmas.
I like Christmas! You've never been visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve? Why would you think that, just because I'm When you're here, you're always loads of fun.
(LAUGHTER) What are you trying to say? Maybe you give the impression that you're a bit of a (BLANKED).
(SHOCKED LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Gi-no! Gi-no! I don't know how to say well.
No, I think you've nailed it there, yeah.
Holly, are you warmed up? I think so, yeah.
Good.
Michelle, are you wet? I mean warmed up? (LAUGHTER) I'm warmed up.
Let's play a fun little Christmas game I like to play at Christmas.
Hello, and welcome the sixth annual Lemon Awards.
These are awards for the celebrities who've entertained us most in 2015.
The British pubic have been voting.
You will get points for your team if you can guess what they voted for.
The first category is Wedding of the Year.
This is for Holly's team.
The nominees are: Mark Wright and Michelle Keegan.
(APPLAUSE) Andy Murray and Kim Sears.
(APPLAUSE) Declan Connolly and Ali Astall.
(APPLAUSE) Stephen Fry and Elliot Spencer.
(APPLAUSE) Holly's team, who did the British public vote the Wedding of the Year? Well, it's definitely between Keegan and Dec, I think, don't you? font color="# I think it's got to be Michelle.
I think Dec.
Holly! What's your answer? We are going to go for Keegan and Mark's wedding.
That's your final answer? Yeah.
Well, the answer, I can tell you (DRUMROLL) .
.
for the Wedding of the Year as voted for by the public Jimmy, who would you have gone for? I'd go for the gay rights, Ant and Dec getting married.
Who? Ant and Dec are not married? No! That's Dec and Ali.
He married a girl? I've misinterpreted that whole relationship.
(LAUGHTER) I can tell you the Wedding of the Year goes to .
.
Mark Wright and Michelle Keegan! (CHEERING) Ah! Here is the award.
Unfortunately, Mark can't be here tonight to accept the award, but we filmed a video with Mark earlier this week and he did an acceptance speech.
Oh, no.
(LAUGHTER) (MOUTHS) So (LAUGHTER) .
.
and 'Chelle (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Got a lovely smile, hasn't he? Gino's team, your next category is Dickhead of the Year.
2015 has been the year of celebrity dickheads, but who did the public say deserves the Lemon Award? The nominees are: Jeremy Clarkson for punching a producer because he was hungry.
Kanye West when he announced he will run for president.
Kanye West when he told the Glastonbury audience, "You are now watching the greatest living rock star on the planet.
" Or, Kanye West for declaring fashion discriminates against him for not being gay.
But who won Dickhead of the Year, voted by you, the general public? Clarkson's had a nightmare.
He punched a producer and then got a $160 million deal (LAUGHTER) Are there any producers around? Can he take a punch? I'll do it.
(LAUGHTER) Seems a pretty good career move.
I think if we were playing the odds, we'd go Kanye, but Jeremy did punch someone in the face.
Which one you went? Which one we went? (LAUGHTER) I feel like I'm on some sort of exchange trip.
(LAUGHTER) Gino, we went for Jeremy.
Jeremy Clarkson? OK.
Good.
Jeremy Clarkson.
I can tell you that Dickhead of the Year, voted by the public, was (DRUMROLL) .
.
Jeremy Clarkson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wow! Imagine that.
We genuinely got a VT from him - not a daft one, a proper one.
He couldn't be here, but sent a VT.
The thing about this award is, it's a piece of shit, but I accept it on behalf of the lesbian and the hamster.
Other words of gratitude - gearstick, glove compartment, exhaust, leather interior, windshield, speedometer, traffic lights - Here you are, Mr Clarkson.
What's that fucking shit? It's fucking cold meat! Get me a fucking hot sandwich! (APPLAUSE) Wow.
Holly's team, your category is Twitter Spat of the Year.
The nominees are: Zayn Malik for telling Calvin Harris to calm his knickers before his dentures fall out.
Zayn Malik told Louis Tomlinson, remember when he had a life and stopped making bitchy comments about Zayn's.
Zayn Malik for calling Naughty Boy a fat joke and stop pretending they're friends as no one knows Naughty Boy.
Or Taylor Swift when she told Nicky Minjout that it was unlike her to pit women against each other.
You know if you eat a lot of KFC, and get a sweaty face from too much? Has Naughty Boy had a lot of KFC? (LAUGHTER) It is quite shiny, isn't it? It looks like a sort of before-and-after diet milkshake ad.
(LAUGHTER) No? I don't know.
We wanted Louis, cos they were proper mates.
That one's more shocking, to the fans.
Yes.
OK.
We're going to go for Louis and Zayn.
I can tell you the winner was (DRUMROLL) .
.
the Twitter Spat of the Year goes to .
.
Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson! (CHEERING) That's good! We genuinely got Zayn to agree to do a VT.
The previous two have been you dressed up.
Here's a genuine VT.
Thank you for my Lemon award! Thank you so much! Whoo! I'll take that, you twerp.
(LAUGHTER) Uno.
Meat sandwich.
Seat.
Ford Sierra.
(APPLAUSE) Gino's team, this is the big one.
This is Shock of the Year.
Ooh.
The nominees are: Louis Walsh being axed from The X Factor.
That was always going to happen.
Justin Bieber with his chappy out.
Always going to happen.
Madonna falling from the stage at the Brits.
Ah! Bruce Jenner announcing his transitioning into a lady.
Oh.
Pass.
Madonna falling at the Brits On tour she has to wear a string with a button on it.
One of the ones your nan's got.
(LAUGHTER) If there's no one at the concert and she falls, they go and get her.
How old is Madonna? I think she's 50, but she's got the body of a man half that age.
(LAUGHTER) When Justin Bieber was photographed with his bits out I didn't see that picture.
And you could see everything.
Have a look when you get home, Louise.
Yes, treat yourself.
(LAUGHTER) I never saw that.
It's got to be Bruce Jenner transitioning.
And also, how he did it, or she did it, and being on the cover of Vanity Fair.
Yeah.
That shows a lot of balls.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) Let's have a look.
I can tell you, Shock of the Year was (DRUMROLL) .
.
it was Madonna! ALL: Oh! Well, as you might have guessed, Madonna couldn't make it tonight on our Christmas Celebrity Juice, but I'm not joking - she did send us a video message.
Thanks, Madonna.
I am Madonna.
I ain't no fuckin' virgin.
I am the opposite of a virgin.
I have a clit the size of a New York hot dog and it's all tucked up inside my Agent Provocateur undercrackers.
I'd like to say thank you for this award, you fuckin' mooks.
I am Madonna.
I ain't goin' nowhere.
Wahhh! The fuck! Who put that there? All of you are fuckers! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are shitt-ting! (CHEERING) I'm going for a Christmas wee.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break: (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) Hurrah! (CHEERING) Merry Christmas! Welcome back to our Celebrity Juice Christmas special.
You may have noticed our panellists have all got Christmas jumpers on.
That's not just for the Celebrity Juice Christmas special.
Holly, what is the reason? We're doing it for Text Santa.
On 18 December, you wear Christmas jumpers, you can donate some money to Text Santa.
So you go to work wearing your Christmas jumper? Work, school, college.
And any donation? Any donation you like.
Let's get some coin from you.
A sneaky note.
Ooh.
Look, she's doing all right for herself.
(CLANKING) Nice one.
Cheers.
Can I ask, is it tax deductible? (LAUGHTER) I'm just asking.
Gino, have you got some money? For real? Yeah, Gino d'Acampo, everyone! (CHEERING) 18th? 18th of December.
Christmas Jumper Day.
Go to the website.
I'm wearing my Christmas underpants, which are as woolly as your jumpers.
I'm dripping.
(LAUGHTER) Louise, your husband is an ex-football player, Jamie Redknapp.
Yeah.
Does that mean you know loads about football? No, I don't do football at all.
Well, I don't know anything about it.
I bet you know more than me.
Well, I'm swapping seats with Holly Willoughby as she hosts this round.
You will be the quizmaster, whilst I go against Louise as we play (LAUGHTER) OK.
Are you ready? Quick question - do I just hit the buzzer? You hit the buzzer.
When you know the answer.
"HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT!" "LOUISE LOUISE LOUISE LOUISE!" They're the same.
You'll have to work.
And listen.
Question 1.
How often is the football World Cup? "HOOT HOOT HOOT!" Every week? "LOUISE LOUISE LOUISE!" Every four years? Correct.
How many players are on a pitch at the start of a game? "HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT!" I'm passing it over.
There's two teams.
Oh! "HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT!" Correct! Two points for your team.
What does "keeping a clean sheet" mean? "LOUISE LOUISE LOUISE!" Not conceding any goals.
Correct! Well done.
I think it just means when your arsehole pinches off perfectly.
(LAUGHTER) You're not answering.
You've got to listen! That's why you get it wrong.
(MIMICS HER) Leave it out! Try and get this one right, please.
What is "doing the double"? "LOUISE LOUISE LOUISE!" Winning the FA Cup and the title? Yes, League and Cup.
I thought you didn't know anything! (APPLAUSE) I thought doubles were like Jamie brings a friend home.
( What word completes this football chant? "HOOT HOOT HOOT! "The referee is a" Cum-guzzler.
(LAUGHTER) I'm sure it's been said.
Twat? (WHISTLE) Wanker.
The scores at the end of that are shitt-ting! (CHEERING) Now, Jay, have you heard of Don't Show Keith Your Teeth? Yes.
(CHEERING) Well, as it's the Christmas special, we're not going to play that tonight.
(GROANS OF DISAPPOINTMENT) We're playing something totally new.
It's called, Don't Show Keith Your Christmas Teeth.
(CHEERING) It's totally new.
It's nothing like Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
It's got a Christmas spin on it.
You must do it, with a Brussels sprout in your mouth.
(ALL GROAN) Go right in.
(MUMBLES) We're not showing Keith our teeth? Yeah.
This is crazy hard.
The subject is (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) Christmas.
(MUMBLES) Santa.
(MUMBLES) Baubles.
(MUMBLES) What? (MUMBLES) Tinsel? (MUMBLES) Chinko bel.
Peter Pan? No! (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (BUZZER) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) Bethlehem.
(MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (BUZZER) (GROANS) Sorry.
(MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLESSTUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (MUMBLES) Thestar.
(MUMBLES) Who? The Snowman.
# (Walking in the Air) Mm? (LAUGHTER) Jimmy.
Mm (BUZZER) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (BUZZER) You don't have Christmas gravy.
Just gravy is generic throughout the year.
I said gravy with cranberry sauce.
That's Christmas.
No, you didn't.
You said Christmas gravy.
So the point goes to Holly's team! (CHEERING) I'm going for a Christmas wee.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break: (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Welcome back to our Celebrity Juice Christmas special.
Michelle, you're in a new movie.
Yeah.
It's called Strangeways, Here They come.
Mm-hm.
What's it about? It's about some students who do something that's very wrong.
It sounds amazing.
Did you have sex with a tramp? Oh, you asked that question.
(LAUGHTER) No, but I have to pretend to perform a sexual act.
Of what kind? (LAUGHTER) Um Was it this one? That one? The first one.
What's that? So someone has convinced you that you're making a film (LAUGHTER) It sounds to me like you just sucked off a tramp.
With a camera.
"It's a film, don't worry.
" You can't see the cameras.
They're hidden.
A bit different to Corrie, where you might kiss.
You don't see anything.
He stands with his back to the camera, and I was on my knees.
Just going No, you don't see.
Show us.
Show us.
Show us.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) (APPLAUSE) Oh no! This skirt Someone's going commando! There.
You see me go in, like this.
Then it stops.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Jay, you cut your hair.
Was it becoming cumbersome while dancing? I was going to cut it anyway.
I'd grown it for a year, to donate font color="#0 for kids that have Oh, really? That's nice.
(APPLAUSE) If you donate hair, do they know it's your hair? If they're a big fan, it'd be sweet.
Yeah, not unless you left a note.
I just sent it as anonymous hair.
Anonymous hair Can you imagine if Holly donated her bush? (LAUGHTER) That would supply hair for a whole village.
(LAUGHTER) Actually you could use it for roofs for the huts.
(LAUGHTER) Right.
What I've been doing all year is working up to Christmas, and I've come up with a new round called: (CHEERING) Hello.
Welcome to Ho Ho Ho Helicopter Head.
We've got lots of plinths.
On those plinths are things relating to you.
OK.
Toothbrush.
You clean your teeth, don't you? Yeah.
There's a hot pot there from Corrie.
Yeah.
You've got soap.
You were in a soap.
Yeah.
Shoes.
You like shoes.
Yeah.
A picture of your dad there, Levin Keegan.
(LAUGHTER) We've got a stack of hot dogs, cos you are the colour of a hot dog.
We've got bikinis, cos you're constantly on holiday in Dubai.
And up there is a framed photograph of your husband, Mark Wright.
You get a point for each one you knock off in the allotted time.
If you knock off Mark Wright - How do I get up there? You'll learn.
(LAUGHTER) - you'll get two points.
Not only that, but you get tonight's star prize.
Ooh.
Which is a car! ALL: Ooh! (APPLAUSE) It's a Vauxhall Cavalier! Have you got a car? Yeah, but - You'll have two cars! So go on the klaxon.
Get as many as you can.
You just fire up and go for it.
Oh, yeah.
You should wear that more often.
You do look amazing.
(LAUGHTER) It's like you've stuck loads of pubes round.
No hair in my face.
You look wicked.
When you hear the jingle bells, swing the fuck out of it.
Yes.
# JINGLING BELLS Go, Michelle! Oh, look at that! Swing your head! Oh, yes! (CHEERING) Swing your head! Swing your head! (VOICE MUFFLED) Ohh! (VOICES OVERLAP) It's round my neck! Oh, it's all gone wrong! (LAUGHTER) All right? Yeah.
Oh! (CHEERING) Right.
(CHEERING) Here we go! (CHEERING) (KLAXON) (CHEERING) So, you got everything but the bikinis and the shoes.
You got Mark Wright, that's two points.
Michelle Keegan! Ooh! Ooh! Well done.
Thanks! Next up, it's Jimmy Carr! (CHEERING) Here I am with Jimmy Carr.
Have you ever played this game before (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) I'm ever so slightly worried I look terrifying.
(LAUGHTER) My nose has completely disappeared.
It's just gone.
(LAUGHTER) Well, as you can see, we've got different items.
They all relate to you.
A cat.
We've your DVD.
We've got the tennis racquet.
We've got a car, Jimmy Carr.
We've got - who's the tennis player? Roger Federer.
Are you a fan of tennis? Well, he's also my mum.
(LAUGHTER) You'll get a point for each one you knock over, but for two points and the car Oh! What kind of car? A Vauxhall Cavalier SRI! ALL: Ooh! That's if you knock off the two seals that are fucking each other.
They're all things related to you.
(LAUGHTER) Why have I got two seals fucking each other? Well MAN IN AUDIENCE: Ho ho ho! .
.
when seals are making sweet love, they make this sort of noise: (BRAYING, SQUEALING) (APPLAUSE) I don't mind you saying that.
But if we're honest, my laugh sounds more like an autotuned queef.
(LAUGHTER) So you've got a lot of time All right.
You'll go on the jingle bells.
Are you ready? Yes.
Go! He's going for the meerkats! Oh yes! Go, Jimmy! (CHEERING) You've got two! He's going for the money! Oh, hang on.
Oh! He's going for Roger Federer! (CHEERING) The tennis racquet, Jimmy! Oh yes! He's like the Terminator! Oh! It's on my fucking ear! He's going for Alan Carr now! He's not messing about.
And now he's going for the seals! (CHEERING) (KLAXON) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT) I got carried away.
Jimmy Carr, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm just glad I didn't lose my dignity.
(LAUGHTER) And the scores that round areshitt-ting! (CHEERING) We're taking a break now.
We'll see you in three.
Coming up after t'break: I wanna kiss ma sweet wife's ass right now.
Let's kiss.
Here I come.
Eee-arhhh! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice at Christmas.
Gino, if you were cooking live onstage on your tour, where you do cooking onstage, um .
.
if a boiled egg went in your eye, would you continue or go, "That's eet! I'm over!" I would probably carry on.
Would you carry on? When does the live tour start? It's happening now.
It's ha It's happening now is the answer.
Gino, we're on at Christmas.
It's happening now.
(LAUGHTER) It's happening now.
Let's do another version, just in case.
Why was it cancelled after the first night? (LAUGHTER) Oh (LAUGHS) Why did everybody want-a their-a money back? Why is it so crazy to do a tour with cooking? Because it's like a restaurant where you can't have anything to eat.
It's the worst idea anyone's ever had.
I'm cooking, showing people how to make, you know, spaghetti, stuff like that.
It's like a restaurant, and they go, "Here's how we make it, now go and make your own.
" (LAUGHTER) I wasn't thinking about that.
I thought people would like to see No.
No.
(LAUGHTER) No one would like to.
At Christmas it's quite traditional to have arguments.
What about you, Louise? Do you have arguments? You and Jamie? Yeah, most probably.
It is tradition to argue on Christmas morning.
So we'll carry on that tradition as we play So here we are, in a stereotypical living room of celebrity Jimmy Car.
He's on the floor.
I'm on the floor.
Louise and Michelle have the Mask of Sorrow on.
Gino and Holly and Jay have to guess who the family is.
Michelle, do you want to start? I'm almost there.
Real good.
Louise? Why do I look so much like Lauren Goodyear? (LAUGHTER) (CACKLES) You do! You're just like her! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! We're a famous family.
Gino, Holly and Jay, guess who we are.
Keith? What? We've only got one button.
If we press it, how will you know who pressed it? Gino, you shout "Pizza!" Holly, you say, "Drink!" OK, let's go.
I'm married to a footballer.
These are not the trainers I wanted.
They don't have studs in.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Drink! Holly? Posh and Becks? That's correct! (APPLAUSE) Keith! What? I love you.
I'm married, but I love you.
You just stay married, OK? No.
I love you.
Keith! Keith! Yes, Louise? Keith! Yeah? I think she just likes saying - Keith! (LAUGHTER) Here's the next one.
What I really wanted was an Xbox.
Not today.
I've got to work.
What do you mean, work? What do you actually do? I'm doing a speech for the plebs.
A speech? Will you mention me and say "Thank you to my family"? I want you to wreck my anus horribilis.
(LAUGHTER) You're Greek, I'm German.
Let's make this happen.
(ALL TALK AT ONCE) Jay! The royal family.
That's correct! (AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, Keith? You mind if I ask you a question? I'm real hot.
Can I open my legs? (LAUGHTER) I gotta let my ham sandwich breathe.
(LAUGHTER) Really, I get pongy down here.
Real stinko.
I gotta open my legs and let it breathe.
(LAUGHTER) I feel like I've got mayo on my pum.
(LAUGHTER) Ha ha ha ha ha! I know it's Christmas.
I shouldn't speak about my pum.
It's a Christmas pum.
You start.
(IRISH ACCENT) Hey.
Hey.
It's cool.
Don't worry about it.
I'll toss you off.
No, it'll be like we toss each other off.
If I toss you off, will you drink what comes out? (ALL GRO I'll drink mine.
You drink yours.
And put it in our hair.
Like Something About Mary.
Keith.
I can't wait for Louis to come round.
Will he bring us some money? Drink! It's Jedward.
That's correct! (APPLAUSE) Jimmy, you start.
Ha ha! I thought you were dead! Fifi! Motherfucker! Alive and well! What you got me here? I wanted Home Alone I, Home Alone II (APPLAUSE) Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson.
Correct! Really.
Just in case this wasn't low-rent enough.
OK, fine.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey.
This present's for you.
To me? Deal.
To me? Deal.
To me? Deal.
/fon I mean, if you're not going to get it, you're not.
Chuckle Brothers? That's correct.
(APPLAUSE) Who's Paul and who's Barry? Um, Michelle is Paul and Louise is Barry.
No, that's incorrect.
Michelle was Barry, Louise is Paul.
Hang on, no no no.
Jimmy, which one were you? I was Barry.
Thank you.
I was Barry.
You were doing Barry as well? Well, now I feel like an idiot.
(LAUGHTER) I'm Barry.
I was so doing Barry.
I can't do Paul.
(LAUGHTER) I can do a good Barry, but not Paul.
It's like watching the Chuckle Brothers now.
Hey! I want an alum t-shirt and ripped-up jeans and shit like that.
If you don't put this phone call to Mick, what would Jero Hey! I wanna kiss my sweet wife's ass right now.
Or just the mouth.
Let's kiss.
Here I come.
Here I come.
Eeearrhhh.
(APPLAUSE) You know why I love you, my honey bee? Because you are the most beautiful and famous of all your family.
My father is so difficult to buy for at Christmas.
(LAUGHTER) Because he's now my mother.
(LAUGHTER) Drink.
Holly.
It's Kim and Kanye.
That's correct! (APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) We're going back to sit down.
Louise and Michelle, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Well, that's the end of this Celebrity Juice Christmas special.
I can tell you, the winning team is Hey, have you had a good time? Yeah.
Had a good time? Very good.
Christmas is a lovely time.
Jimmy, tell me you've had a good time.
Let's just see who's won.
I don't really feel this is a show about joining in.
I feel it's about the result.
I like to win.
OK.
I like to do well.
If I've won, it's a tremendous evening.
If not, I feel I've wasted my time.
(LAUGHTER) Well, the winning team this week is .
.
it's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon! If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you in the new year! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # All I want for Christmas Is You # There is just one thing I need # I don't care about the presents # Underneath the Christmas tree # I just want you for my own # More than you could ever know # Make my wish come true All I want for Christmas is you