The Simpsons s14e11 Episode Script

The Simpsons Barting Over D'oh! Ah! Mm.
Today, we honor three great Americans.
Jazz legend Ornette Coleman.
Playwright Arthur Miller.
Yes.
Yes.
Ha, ha.
And all-around genius, Lisa Simpson.
We're not worthy.
We're not worthy.
- Thank you, Mr.
Cronkite.
- Ah! She knows my name.
Ladies and gentlemen tonight, I'd like to harangue you about the plight of Ugh.
Oh, Mom, why did you wake me up? I dreamt I was at the Kennedy Center Honors.
Well, here's another low-rated annual event: spring-cleaning.
Come on.
Everyone's helping.
You've gotta get rid of those Furbys.
They've turned feral.
Hmm.
This is an interesting old book.
Ooh! Mad Libs.
Hey, a box of old videotapes.
"Marge and Homer Get Dirty"? Hey, Lis, think you're well-adjusted? I've got something to show you.
I can't believe you talked me into this.
It's such a mess.
Ooh, watch the teeth.
Don't go telling your buddies at work about this.
- Every tape is pumpkin carving.
- Hey, what's this? "Bart Sad.
" If I ever needed proof of the existence of God, here it is.
Balki, you're dancing in the toilet.
What? You never heard of flush dance? Ha, ha.
Perfect Strangers will return after these commercials.
What a beautiful baby.
Ah! What horrible breath.
He's the baby Whose mouth smells like death Run for your life It's Baby Stink-Breath Oh, my God.
That's me.
This isn't "Bart Sad.
" It's "Bart's Ad.
" Wait.
I was in a commercial? I don't remember this at all.
No more Baby Stink-Breath.
Thanks to the Baby So Fresh tri-patch system.
Not safe for babies under 2.
You're Baby Stink-Breath.
You're Baby Stink-Breath.
How could you make me Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me? I was going to tell you on my deathbed.
Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials.
And you made a lot of money.
I did? Where is it? Your father invested it in a college trust fund which today must be worth a - La-la-la-la-la.
- Hmm.
Of course, the stock market's been down lately.
But there must be some sort of La-la-la-la-la.
Nothing left.
La-la-la-la-la.
You spent all the money I earned? I needed it.
I had to buy back some incriminating photos.
Look.
See? You're fine.
And then, whoops! Uh-oh.
Look out.
I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero.
See? Watch.
I saved you.
You stole my money! Bart, stop that.
That's okay.
His cute little hands can't even fit around my neck.
He Now he's got it.
Bart, the larynx is not a plaything.
Mom, I am sick of the way he treats me.
He disrespects me and I'm just supposed to accept it? Right.
You're mine until you're 18.
When you're 17, I'm gonna know the end is near so I'm gonna work you like a dog.
So my dad blew all the money I made from that embarrassing commercial.
Promise me you won't tell anyone.
I won't.
But these things have a way of getting out.
Ha, ha, Baby Stink-Breath.
It was worth it.
I just wish there was some way to get back at my dad.
When my mom wants to get back at my dad, she uses her lawyer.
- Does it make him cry? - More than normal.
Hey, son.
I've got tickets for the circus.
Hmm, "Badger, Haggle and Bill.
" "Luvum and Burnham, Family Law.
" "Hackey, Joke and Dunnit.
" Bingo.
I want a divorce from my parents.
You wha? I said, I want a divorce from my parents.
I heard you.
I was calling my secretary.
Uwa, get me the standard child-divorcing-parent form.
Yes, sir.
I heard a wonderful saying today, "Forgive and forget.
" Yes.
At times like this, I just look at my bracelet.
Good point, Dad.
What would Jesus do? Jesus? I thought it was Geppetto.
Aw, pfft.
- Who is it? - I'm here to serve you with a subpoena.
Well, I'm not opening the door.
It comes with a side of bacon.
- Is it crispy? - Yes.
- But not too crispy? - No.
Unh.
See you in court.
Bart, you're suing us? - Yes.
I wanna be emancipated.
- Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude? No, Dad.
It means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.
I wanted a sewing room but not like this.
Not like this.
Mom, you've always been cool to me.
But Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him.
I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.
Hey.
My IV is empty.
And my catheter is full.
Mm-hm.
Hmm.
- See you tomorrow.
- But you Bart, using this doll, tell the court where your father took money from you.
Here and here.
Let the records show that he pulled out the pockets of the doll.
Mr.
Simpson, your son alleges that you have an anger-management problem.
Why, you little Uh, I'm sorry, judge.
That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
Could the stenographer please read the previous statement? - "Why, you little" - Why, you little Why, you little Why, you little All rise for the verdict.
Son, I just want you to know whatever that judge decides I'm gonna be the best dad I can.
No judge would send a preteen out on his own Whoo-hoo! You're still mine.
And you thought I was a bad dad before except in this case.
That boy's about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack.
Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated.
Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.
Mm, garnish.
That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.
What the? Half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife.
- What's left for Moe? - Homer, don't make things worse.
I'll show you worse.
I was told this would be televised! How can I fit my whole life into a suitcase? Maybe if I move that thing there.
Perfect.
Where are you gonna live? With the money Dad's paying me, I rented a loft downtown.
Do you even know what a loft is? - No.
I assume it has hay.
- Oh.
I'm gonna miss you.
- Here's something to remember me by.
- Ow! - Indian burn.
- Look at it.
Aw, that's so sweet.
If I did it right, it's permanent.
Please don't go, Bart.
I'll let you swear in the house.
Everything but the big three.
Sorry, Mom.
I just can't, not as long as he's here.
Oh, honey.
I can't believe this is happening.
I'll miss you so much.
Either give me some of that or let's get going.
Sorry, Mom.
I gotta go.
Go ahead, leave.
You'll come crawling back.
That's right.
Crawling on your knees.
Crawling! He's really gone.
He's gone! Well, here I am, on my own.
And I'm gonna make it, world.
- Be quiet in there! - Some of us are trying to sell drugs! Look out, son.
This one's got a little mustard on it.
Attaboy, we just won the World Series.
You and me together, yeah.
He should've done that with the real Bart when he had the chance.
Being a free man is great, Milhouse.
I can draw on myself.
Boy, I wish I was a free man.
Mom.
Where's Puppy Goo Goo? Oh, Puppy Goo Goo, fetch me a dream.
Ha, ha, boy, it's really empty in here.
Now, calm down.
I'm perfectly safe.
Murder's illegal in this state.
Okay.
That was just my imagination.
Mommy! Not up.
Down.
Oh, I'm gonna die in my jammies.
Say it ain't so, I will not go Turn the lights off, carry me home Hey, it's an emancipated minor.
- What's your name? - I'm Bart Simpson and Hey, are you skateboarding legend Tony Hawk? That's what my business cards say.
Oh, wait.
That's my old phone number.
You live in this building? When I'm not on the road or in rehab for my pelvis.
I hope you don't mind living below pro skaters who like to party.
- I'll adjust.
- Hey, Blink-182.
- We have names.
- Whatever.
You can crank it up.
Dude, let's trash this place.
After we get paid.
Nice.
Oh, man, this is the greatest night of my life.
If my dad could see this, he'd be so mad.
He can.
There's a webcam right there.
Of all the sites on all the web, I had to click onto his.
Darn it.
I keep pouring juice for five.
Ha, ha, did you see that? Your mom thinks you're still here.
Oh, tomorrow's the day the judge said we can visit Bart.
I think he might come home if we can show him we can treat him better.
For your information, I've been taking steps to become a better father.
For the past week, I've been carrying around this bag of sugar.
It's taught me how to love and care for a child.
What the? Where the hell is my sugar? Condoleezza Marie ain't too playful tonight.
And I don't remember her being this granulated.
Can I put your baby in my coffee? Well, the doctor said you eat any more baby they gonna take your foot.
Thanks for the lift, Tony Hawk.
I gotta go now, Tony Hawk.
- Cool guy, Tony Hawk.
- Bart, you know Tony Hawk? Please, I'm trying to keep it quiet.
Catch you later, Tony Hawk.
Stay cool, Brett.
I don't think this is a good place for a 10-year-old boy.
Here's $5.
Buy yourself a suit and get busy.
I'll buy a suit of drugs! Hi, guys.
Dad.
Hello, son.
You're looking well.
Wow, this place is great.
That couch looks really pricey.
Well, you need an expensive couch to watch an expensive TV.
Of course, because you wouldn't want to I paid for your splendor, you And for every syringe I find, I get a dollar.
- Well, that's great, honey.
- Unh.
You know, son, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
I was wrong to exploit you and I won't do it again.
Thanks, Dad.
That means a lot to me.
You think you might see your way clear to moving back in with your ma and me? Sorry.
No can do.
I'm taking off for six months to join the Skewed Tour.
Skewed Tour? The traveling festival of rock 'n' roll, skateboarding and extreme sports? - And nipple piercing.
- Aah! Don't worry.
They're clip-ons.
Behold the delightful unicorn I got at the face painting pavilion.
Dude, that was a tattoo parlor.
- He's suffered enough.
- Yeah.
But on the other hand Just a reminder, people if you're getting bogus returns on your investments contact Goldman Sachs, the Skewed financial planners.
Up next on the halfpipe, boarding legend Tony Hawk.
Up next on the halfpipe, boarding legend Tony Hawk.
Psst, Mr.
Hawk, may I have a word with you? - An extreme word? - Sure.
My son is Bart Simpson and! I didn't say extreme to the max.
Sorry.
I just wanna win my son back so badly.
I can relate.
I'm a father myself.
Oh, one day, they're little shredders.
The next day, they're grinding their way to college.
Yeah, I make up words too.
I was wondering if you could pretend to lose to me in a skateboarding contest so I can be a hero to my boy again.
I'll lose millions in endorsements, but okay.
This board represents the ultimate in poser technology.
- It gives the illusion they have talent.
- Groovy.
Lock your feet in, the board does all the work.
All the work? Fine.
I'll lift you onto the board too.
Do it without the attitude or don't do it at all.
Now the portion of our event where champion Tony Hawk may be challenged by any unknown member of the audience.
I'm challenging you, Hawk in front of all these outcasts and dreamers who can't even get into the Army, if you can believe it.
Dad, how drunk are you? Not very.
You're going down, Homer.
Then back up.
Then down.
Back up again.
That's how the game is played.
I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this.
It's 300, Mom.
I could've sworn it was 302.
Shh.
Now to win back my son in comfort and style.
You know, I could save money by buying separate nuts and mixing them at home.
Man, I wanted him to look good, but not to show me up.
It's time to take out the thrash.
Take that.
Woo-hoo! I rule this pseudo-sport.
Come back to me, boy.
Dad, you don't understand.
This was never about being cool, it was about you not caring how I felt.
Oh, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard, you stupid little kid.
Homer, you're heading for parental face-plant.
Do a 180 emotional ollie.
Finally.
Someone explains it to me in words I can understand.
Look, boy.
I know I did wrong and I'm truly sorry.
I put you in humiliating commercials for money which I spent on myself.
I just wish I had an opportunity to make things right.
Mr.
Simpson, I like the way you handled yourself on that board.
Would you like to do a commercial? Anything.
As long as I can give the money to my son.
Excellent.
I represent Viagrogaine, the topical rub for bald, impotent men.
Well, I am bald and important.
Where do I sign? Well, I am bald and important.
Where do I sign? Oh, Steve, you're everything a girl could want.
What's your secret? Well, Cathy, I'll tell you.
It's Viagrogaine.
It gives you lots of hair and what you need down there.
What are you waiting for, loser? Side effects include loss of scalp and penis.
- What did they say about my scalp? - Don't worry, Dad.
It's a commercial.
No one will remember this in 50 years.
Ha, ha!