Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e13 Episode Script
Bestest Bits 2015, Part 2
I'm Keith Lemon, and these are my sweet-arsed titles.
There's Holly coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boys.
Gino's covering for Fearne, while she's having a baby.
How is that possible? We're all in heaven, but don't worry - we're not dead.
It's just a metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
Celebrity Juice, on telly.
HD-ready.
So, we're here to discuss what to do for the compilation show.
It's that time when we look back at the series.
Any ideas? Holly? Why don't we set it in a Santa's grotto? Presents and snow angels.
font color="# Well, I love Christmas, but we've just done a Christmas special, so it has to be different to that.
Gino? OK.
What about if we go into our family's house? For example, my mum and dad in Sheffield? Oh, exactly what we did last year, with the comp show? We want something different, not exactly the same as last time.
I've got an idea.
You've got a friend who once gave you a and then we can go back in time, and we get the best VT.
Come on.
I don't know what he said then.
Anyway, I've got a friend who gave me this telly time-machine device.
We could go back in time and look at all the best bits of this series.
Oh, that's an amazing idea! That's what I said! Well, it were my idea, so we're gonna go with that.
Right.
Well, let's go.
(BLEEPING) Oh, thank fuck for that.
Shall we go to the pub? Yeah.
/font (LAUGHTER) Ah, yes, here we are, in the first episode of series 14.
Don't we look young? Who'd have thought how you'd have turned out? He's right.
You're like Sophia Loren.
The older you get, the better font color= Who's Sophia Loren? An Italian actress.
Oh, is she in EastEnders? No! Well, never mind how fit you are.
Who'd have thought that, each week, you'd have got shitter and shitter at introducing your team? I try my best.
The piece of paper they give me makes no sense.
You don't make any sense.
Look at this.
On my right - the landlady of the Queen Vic.
Now she's the star of font color=" It's Kelly Brook.
(CHEERING) Oh, Kelly Bright! On my left - she's got a head full of hair, and her name is Ella Looking at the spelling, it says 'Ear'.
(LAUGHTER) On my left, all the way from This Is England - his name is Thomas (LAUGHTER) What the fuck is that? That's the surname.
How do you say it? Turgoose.
Anyway And a beautiful lady, all the way from Hollyoaks (LAUGHTER) Her name is JenniferMeatlove.
(LAUGHTER) Meatlove! On my right (LAUGHTER) No, let's do this.
Do it.
I've got your back.
I'm Kelly Osbourne from a very famous family! (CHEERING) By 'eck, Gino.
You just get worse, don't you? I'm trying.
Listen.
Well, at least he doesn't embarrass the guests all the time.
What, like you? No, like you.
Give me that.
Look.
Judge Rinder.
I can't believe you made him read that book.
What book? This book.
I've been inspired by your publication, and I've got my own book here.
Here it is.
You read out some of my laws.
'Always remember to wash your hands after you finger-blast a girl.
' (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) What is that? It's when you're intimate with a lady But why would you blast her? Because they like it.
Don't look at me! We have been trying to book you for five years.
Correct? No, let's get something straight.
I had a phone call from my agent.
The phone hasn't rung for a few years.
And he said, 'Celeb Juice want you to come on.
' I was absolutely font color="# And he said, 'But they just want you to stick your head through the font color="# For three seconds of air time.
' That was it.
So, I said, 'Up yours, and fuck off.
' (LAUGHTER) But I'm grateful that you're having me back.
I think we've got the actual E-mail you sent to our celebrity booker.
This is what he actually said.
'If my career ever gets to the point where I would need to stick my head through your magazine for three seconds of fame, I'd rather kill myself.
' (LAUGHTER) Choose a number.
I am going for number 3.
You're saying number 3 has a lisp? Number 3.
(CHEERING) Good work.
Gino's team.
I can't believe I'm playing this.
I can't believe how into it I am, as well! 2.
2 with no lisp? Lisp.
Let's have a look.
Open your box.
Yes.
(APPLAUSE) What's your name and where are you from? I'm Georgie.
I'm from London, and I have a lisp.
Ah, a sexy lisp.
(APPLAUSE) Right.
Say 'sausages'.
You don't have to.
Sausages.
Say, 'Sexy sausages on a Sunday.
' Just say, 'Fuck off, you ginger (BLEEP).
' I can't! (LAUGHTER) Another rule.
Well, this is good advice for any shopper.
'Never go through the back-doors when a girl has recently eaten font color="#00 (LAUGHTER) Very wise.
Respect.
You know about that, don't you? It sticks around for ages, doesn't it? I was with Danny Dyer in a corridor, and two girls said, 'Can we have a picture with you?' And he joined in the picture, and he went into the ear of one of the girls and went, 'Look at you, you pair of sexy (BLEEP).
' (LAUGHTER) You won't believe it.
What? There's no-one in there.
What are we going to do? Who could go in the magazine and come out and say, 'Scene but not heard'? Just for three minutes of fame.
You couldn't help us out, could you? Fuck it.
Why not? (CHEERING) Holly, pick a category.
Scene But Not Heard.
You've chosen Scene But Not Heard.
Scene But Not Heard.
Dean Gaffney! (CHEERING) Right.
Nice picture, Holly.
Try and smile.
Are you taking it? Three bleeps, and then it takes it.
(BLEEPING) What, now? Smile! (THUNDER) (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHING) Oh, my heart! Let's see if you're smiling.
(LAUGHTER) Do you want to get in? No.
Come on.
Get in the picture.
It's Hallowe'en.
(APPLAUSE) I'm scared now.
Right.
You go first.
I don't like this.
I'll wet myself.
(LAUGHTER) A point for your team.
Big smile.
I don't like this.
I can't get in, cos of your big toe, ma (LAUGHTER) Sit back.
I don't like them dangling in my hair.
Nice big smile.
You look like you've shit your pants! Smile.
I'm scared.
(BLEEPING) Smile.
(SCREAMING) (APPLAUSE) Let's have a look at your smile.
(LAUGHTER) Did you go to boarding-school? I did.
Did you play Soggy Biscuit? (LAUGHTER) Do you know what this game is? I don't want to know, but Gino, do you ever play Soggy Biscuit in your font colo (LAUGHS) What's a soggy biscuit? Oh, my god.
Erma group of men masturbate onto a biscuit, apparently.
I don't know where this happens.
Onto a biscuit? And the last one to cover the biscuit in their special sauce has font color="#00 What biscuit is it? 'What biscuit is it?!' (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I've got a list of some of the subjects you've covered.
Oh.
'The man who said he was possessed by a gay demon.
' (LAUGHTER) No, I mean, if I knew what the show was about, I wouldn't come in.
(LAUGHTER) There was a man who married a horse.
That I remember.
We've got a picture of him.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) The horse left him.
The horse left him.
He said you were hung like a man.
All you have to do is beat the Care Bear in a staring competition.
Whoever blinks first loses.
Ready? Go.
(LAUGHTER) I can't take it seriously.
It's a fucking bear.
Is he gonna blink? His eyes are getting very glassy.
Come on.
You can do it.
Oh, come on.
We're done.
No.
This is anybody's game.
But this is stupid! The bear doesn't blink.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Ah, fuck the bear.
Come on, man.
You're nearly there.
Oh, my god.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING) That was amazing! You've proper changed.
So have you.
Let's look at you seven years ago.
(LAUGHTER) Look at his face! (APPLAUSE) That ain't me.
Look at that.
He's like two Chris Moyleses.
That's not me.
Oh, please stop fucking showing that picture! I am not busting my balls on a treadmill for three years, for you font color="#0 Get it off the screen! Get it off the screen! Get it off the screen! Get it off the screen! I can't believe this show's lasted seven years! (APPLAUSE) Holly, have you ever tried to look at your own arsehole in the mirror? Hey, she has! I have! (APPLAUSE) Why? I think it's good to know what's down there.
Have you ever had your bum bleached? No.
Has anyone else? Rylan, you've had it.
I got a free deal when I had my teeth done.
(APPLAUSE) Have you got any movies coming out? I've got a film coming out.
Very low-budget, but it turned out great.
I play a Texas cowboy, named Dwight.
We've got a picture, I think.
No, no, no Do you know what? I don't need this.
Yes, you do.
You fucking do! (APPLAUSE) Come on.
Coming up (MUMBLES) (BREAKS WIND) Oh, sorry.
Every time I time-travel, I do that.
Oh, that's horrible.
It's just audio.
It doesn't smell.
Where are we? Oh, this is the episode when Joey Essex filled in for you, with his crisp-nado.
The crisp-nado was good.
What is that? Oh, it's a tornado made with crisps.
Crisps everywhere.
One's coming now.
You'll understand it more when you see this next clip.
Let's go.
When you hear the klaxon, collect as many crisp packets as you can! The crisp-nado is here! Oh, my god! Collect as many as you can! Collect them! I can't get them! Put them in your pouch! Destroy the crisp-nado.
What are you saying? Starting with a new band.
U2.
Bono.
Rochelle? I don't know.
Band over head.
What are we talking about? Joey - U2.
David.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Jason.
Nick.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Band on head.
Rochelle? Noel.
Joey? ErDoug.
(BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) Blur.
Joey? Santa.
(BUZZER) The Beatles.
Rochelle? Paul McCartney.
Ben.
Ben! Ben from the Beatles! Come on, you goofy bastard! Joey, what's the secret of Italy? The island looks like a boot.
(LAUGHTER) How can it be an island? It's attached to France.
What is it, then? It's a country.
It's a country.
And? (LAUGHTER) I'm going to show you some road-signs.
Tell me what they are.
For each one you get correct, you win a point.
What does this mean? Well, it ain't 'red and black only', cos that's a liberty.
(LAUGHTER) That would be stupid.
So, it's 'no overtaking' or 'drive side by side'.
B.
That's correct.
(CHEERING) What does this sign mean? Well, it's either A or C.
It's either 'stunt zone' 'Let's get in t'stunt zone!' .
.
or it's C: 'no bikes on top of cars'.
C.
'No bikes on top of cars'? Yeah.
Let's see if you're correct.
(BUZZER) I thought 'motor vehicles' meant motor bikes.
No, Joey!/f What does this mean? (LAUGHTER) 'Elderly people crossing.
' (CHEERING) Let's see if you're right.
Correct.
(CHEERING) I think we should play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING) Ah, finally Oh, (MUMBLES).
(LAUGHS) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHS) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) Run VT.
(MUMBLING) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (MUMBLES) Buh-buh-buh.
(MUMBLES) (BUZZER) Fuck! I forgot.
(MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) What the fuck? (MUMBLES) (SINGING) (SINGING) Ah! (APPLAUSE) (MUMBLES) It's like being with your grandparents! (MUMBLES) Pick something shorter, Jennifer? Can I? (LAUGHTER) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHING) (BUZZER) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Oh! Fuck off! Coming up after t'break (LAUGHTER) Why are we back here? I've got a bad memory about this show.
What? He's got bad memories from this show.
You can see why.
Don't be such a baby.
I know this was the grossest game, but to me it was the funniest.
I don't know if I can watch this one.
OK.
Let's play it.
/ Welcome to the So You Think You Can Fucking Gargle arena.
I'm here with Louis Walsh.
How are you feeling? I'm nervous.
OK.
I'm going to knock you back.
Uhhhhh Ready? No.
Right.
You've got to gargle it for one point for your team.
Open your mouth.
Ready? Yeah.
I'm going to put the white liquid in your mouth now.
(GROANS) Not yet.
There's not enough.
Right.
For a point for your team, gargle.
(GARGLING) (APPLAUSE) Channel Michael Jackson.
We want to see Bubbles.
(LAUGHTER) HOLLY: That's the worst bit, when it goes in.
(GROANS) (LAUGHTER) That went quite badly.
I don't have the gag reflex I thought I had.
Now, you think you can fucking gargle two spoonfuls of the contents of this.
There you are.
This has been in the mouth of Jimmy, Hayley, Holly and Louis.
This is for ten points.
You requested 20 points, and something from the Mystery Box.
Let's open the Mystery Box.
It's Fearne Cotton's placenta.
(LAUGHTER) Tuna.
Tuna's all right.
In oil or in brine? I don't like the one in brine.
(MIMICS ACCENT) Is it olive oil? Fantastico.
It is brine.
That'll be all right.
That's OK.
I'll just put some tuna in there.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) I don't want to see this.
Oh, god.
Come on, Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino has his team-mates with him, for support.
So You Think You Can Fucking Gargle, Do You? Remember - this is two.
Open.
Oh, my god.
Look at it.
You think you can fucking gargle? Gargle! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) All right? Feeling confident? Very confident.
It's not easy.
Three answers is more than one.
It is.
Five seconds is shorter than 20.
It's less than ten.
It's difficult.
No, it's more than ten! Or is it less than ten? I'm not sure! (LAUGHTER) This is going to be fun.
Name three things that have lips.
Men, womenand women twice.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) You could have said horse! Well, that's a female horse.
And a male horse, as well! Name three parts of the body beginning with T.
Thethe tibia.
Thethe toes.
(BUZZER) Two out of three.
Oh, the tongue.
No, the tits.
Name three things that smell.
Ermgravy.
Why gravy?! (LAUGHTER) Name three things you can shave.
(LAUGHS) Your face.
Your quim.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) My wife's gonna watch this.
I'm in trouble! Name three things that I'd like you to do to me.
Shit on your neck, give you a blow-job and let you come on my font color="#ffff0 Yes! (APPLAUSE) They were the top answers! Name three places you apply cream.
Doncaster, Swindon and Leeds! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) What you've got to do is blow like you've never blown before.
This is fucking up my filler.
(LAUGHS) Ready? Yeah.
Go on the klaxon.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) Blow! Blow! Blow! You're blocking your nose! There it is! Keep going! Keep going! (APPLAUSE) Oh, unlucky, Rylan.
That's no points.
We've got an action replay.
Let's have a look at your efforts.
There you go.
(APPLAUSE) Hu-Man versus Food! What do we win? You will win, Ginoone point.
(LAUGHTER) All this production, all this bullshit - one point? Correct.
It's one point.
Give five, six, seven, ten points.
The adjudicator has told me, if you keep complaining, it'll be only half a point.
One point.
One point.
Ready? When you hear the klaxon Three, two, one (KLAXON) Oh, he's sprinting! He's through the pineapple.
Now you've got to get a goal.
No! You've got to score a goal.
No! Come on.
You can do it.
No! Americans don't play football.
They play soccer.
Come on.
He's in.
Through the curtains.
Here we are, with the Mushroom Man.
Paper, scissors, stone.
(BUZZER) (BUZZER) Again.
(BUZZER) Oh, again.
Oh, again.
I won! Oh, yeah! Shoes off.
This is the most fearsome of all Oh, straight over.
Straight over.
Bite the crusts off.
Oh, look at that! Triple.
(CHEERING) Find the golden potato.
Find the golden potato.
This potato? No, that's a normal potato.
Not a golden potato.
There's the golden potato! (CHEERING) 'How do you count cows? With a cow-culator.
' Come on! (LAUGHTER) No.
I don't like this.
I don't like this.
(GROANS) I'm sweating here.
Paddy, get your hand off her tit.
Sorry! Just force of habit! 'What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
' (LAUGHTER) They're laughing.
(SHRIEKS) We all know that one! When the klaxon goes, you will consume as many marshmallows Just put them in your cavity.
Any cavity.
It's up to you, really.
Is an armpit a cavity? Is an armpit a cavity? No, it's a crevasse.
Bollocks.
The adjudicators say it's either the gobbler or the hoo-ha.
You should be so fucking lucky.
OK, the gobbler, the hoo-ha or the poo-pa.
No, this goes in my mouth.
OK, the gobbler, when the klaxon goes.
(KLAXON) Go.
One.
Let me shove it in.
That's fucking minging.
(APPLAUSE) Two.
Not eat 'em! Three.
He's a bit shy.
My face is fat already.
Kelly! Kelly! Kelly! (CHEERING) Look.
This quail's loving it so much, its legs have popped up.
14? You're going for number 14 in the hoo-ha? In the poo-pa? No? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look at the camel-toe on that! What's this? 15? 16? What's that? Oh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And I've got to get it out of my fanny.
Bloody hell.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) I've lost one! (APPLAUSE) When you're ready, burn out the candle, but don't burn your face off.
(BELCHES) (LAUGHS) If you're a fan, you can thank me for Michael here drinking this for you guys.
(BELCHES) Oh! (BELCHES) (CHEERING) Let's reveal your sock.
There it is.
So, for you at home, here's what dish it is.
(LAUGHTER) This is for a whole point.
Do you know what? I don't care if he has his hair shaved off.
That is not the team spirit.
Suck it.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Give it a good suck.
Come on.
All the way from Bolton! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Hi.
This is Celebrity Juice, series We're playing Helicopter Head, with Jonathan Ross.
Are you well? Very well.
I feel very alive.
You look very good.
When you hear the klaxon, commence helicop-ting your head.
Am I timed? There'll be an allotted time.
How long is the time? It's allotted! Whilst you've got that on your head, can you do your best Danny Dyer impression? You fucking pair of (BLEEP).
How do you feel? Strange.
If you just open your mouth, like that, you look like a blow-up doll I used to own.
Right.
You've got to knock off the items on the plinths.
They're all items related to you.
OK.
We've got the milk trucks.
The puppies.
The baps.
The rack.
The bangers, the hooters and the pears.
(LAUGHTER) You get a point for each one you knock off, and two if you knock off the Mitchell brothers.
But not only will you get two points.
You get tonight's star prize.
Which is? A Fiat Panda car! (APPLAUSE) Three, two, one (KLAXON) Oh, he's going for the wellies! That's the plinth.
Hold on She's changing Pull it down.
(LAUGHTER) It's like she's raving.
Yes! Look at the technique! Yes! Look at that! Alan Carr now! Boom! He's not messing about.
There he goes.
He's going for the seals.
(CHEERING) He got the beaver! It's round my neck! (LAUGHTER) It's all gone wrong.
She's going for the fox.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Oh, I'm getting a sweaty arse.
Well, as we seem to have lost Jonathan Ross, let's go to an ad break.
Coming up That piece of cardboard in Madonna's arse! Go, go, go! Run! It's the Body Part Buzzer Round! (CHEERING) Ah, it doesn't feel like the end of the show unless we end with this.
True.
What's been your favourite buzzer? I like it when you find out what it's going to be.
/ Yeah, it's exciting.
I like that, yeah.
My favourite one is the body-part buzzer round.
I love that.
What are you doing with the cardboard? You'll see.
Smell it Here's the best of the buzzer rounds.
What's your buzzer? 'Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, to be sure.
' Thanks for recording that, Louis.
Gino, what's yours? 'Bloody hell.
Those teeth are very big.
Sorry.
' That's Rylan's dentist.
Joey, what's your buzzer? 'Reem! What are you saying?' What are you saying? (LAUGHS) Holly, what's your buzzer? 'Wibbly-wobbly wobble.
Wobbly-wobbly.
Wibble-wobbly wobbly.
' (LAUGHTER) What body parts did Kendall Jenner show off in Paris last week? 'These teeth are too white.
' (LAUGHTER) What part of Kylie Jenner did she admit to having surgical enhancements? 'Head, shoulders, knees and toes.
' (LAUGHTER) Say 'lips'.
Lips.
We can only decide who is the winner tonight if we .
.
touch Not that piece of cardboard, but that piece of cardboard in Madonna's arse! Go, go, go! Run! Run! Run! Run! (SHRIEKS) (AUDIENCE GROANS) Ooh, crab-sticks! It was stuck up it.
It wouldn't come out.
It wouldn't come out? It was stuck.
The winner of tonight's show and the series is (DRUM ROLL) Got a drum roll.
They're saying it's very close.
Oh, come on! Ginoare you feeling confident? (APPLAUSE) That is so mean.
Hurry up.
That drummer's hands are gonna fall off.
The winning team is Come on.
.
.
of Celebrity Juice, series 14 It's Just say it! Holly's team! (CHEERING) This is Does it look all right? What? You look like Wolverine.
(LAUGHS) Let's have a before-and-after picture.
(LAUGHTER) I think you look younger.
Turn to the side.
You're like an Action Man.
Please give it up for a brilliant sport - Gino d'Acampo! (CHEERING) Gino! Gino! We've had some fun, haven't we? We have.
It's been good.
We've missed Fearne, though.
Yeah.
Can we go home now? You just want to go home? Well, it's Christmas Aren't we gonna hang out afterwards? No, I need to go home.
I've got a pizza in the oven.
(LAUGH Well, we can't go without a montage of the best bits.
Oh, I love that.
What's a montage? See you next time.
Happy Christmas.
/font # Give it to me (GUNSHOT) (CHEERING) # I met a boy last week trying to run that game # Made it sound so sweet when he say my name # I said: boy, stop, run it back What is up wit' you, you fuckin' It was like Catchphrase for the mentally ill.
# Maybe you can get it if you got that thang I like I moved 3,000 miles to do this.
(SCREAMS) # Got me freezin' cold # You can go all night, the way you lay that track # But if you wanna hear me sing, you better play that sax # Give it to me! (LAUGHTER) No.
Fuck off! Can we get Fearne back, please? Cheeky bastard! # No fancy cars or bass guitars, fellas in suits, smoking on cigars # Just play that song I know Take a deep breath and blow # Get right Get a grip and rock me all night # Hold tight, lean back Play what I want with that sax (LAUGHTER) # You can go all night, the way you lay that track Call the cops, you mudder-fucker! What's goin' down? You know that ting # Give it to me Read.
# You better play that sax (CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Sha-ting! (SHRIEKS) What are you saying? You fucking bastard! Then I put the pen in my mouth, and it tasted of shit.
Ah, we're back home.
Ohwith the What have you done? I told you not to mess with the time-machine.
This is ridiculous font color="#00 I don't understand a word he says.
OK.
I've messed up Keith, do you want a baked potato? No, I've eaten already.
Aren't you forgetting something? Am I? Yes.
Oh, yes.
The last link.
Well, thanks for watching.
If I don't see you through t'week See you through t'window.
Ta-ra.
There's Holly coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boys.
Gino's covering for Fearne, while she's having a baby.
How is that possible? We're all in heaven, but don't worry - we're not dead.
It's just a metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
Celebrity Juice, on telly.
HD-ready.
So, we're here to discuss what to do for the compilation show.
It's that time when we look back at the series.
Any ideas? Holly? Why don't we set it in a Santa's grotto? Presents and snow angels.
font color="# Well, I love Christmas, but we've just done a Christmas special, so it has to be different to that.
Gino? OK.
What about if we go into our family's house? For example, my mum and dad in Sheffield? Oh, exactly what we did last year, with the comp show? We want something different, not exactly the same as last time.
I've got an idea.
You've got a friend who once gave you a and then we can go back in time, and we get the best VT.
Come on.
I don't know what he said then.
Anyway, I've got a friend who gave me this telly time-machine device.
We could go back in time and look at all the best bits of this series.
Oh, that's an amazing idea! That's what I said! Well, it were my idea, so we're gonna go with that.
Right.
Well, let's go.
(BLEEPING) Oh, thank fuck for that.
Shall we go to the pub? Yeah.
/font (LAUGHTER) Ah, yes, here we are, in the first episode of series 14.
Don't we look young? Who'd have thought how you'd have turned out? He's right.
You're like Sophia Loren.
The older you get, the better font color= Who's Sophia Loren? An Italian actress.
Oh, is she in EastEnders? No! Well, never mind how fit you are.
Who'd have thought that, each week, you'd have got shitter and shitter at introducing your team? I try my best.
The piece of paper they give me makes no sense.
You don't make any sense.
Look at this.
On my right - the landlady of the Queen Vic.
Now she's the star of font color=" It's Kelly Brook.
(CHEERING) Oh, Kelly Bright! On my left - she's got a head full of hair, and her name is Ella Looking at the spelling, it says 'Ear'.
(LAUGHTER) On my left, all the way from This Is England - his name is Thomas (LAUGHTER) What the fuck is that? That's the surname.
How do you say it? Turgoose.
Anyway And a beautiful lady, all the way from Hollyoaks (LAUGHTER) Her name is JenniferMeatlove.
(LAUGHTER) Meatlove! On my right (LAUGHTER) No, let's do this.
Do it.
I've got your back.
I'm Kelly Osbourne from a very famous family! (CHEERING) By 'eck, Gino.
You just get worse, don't you? I'm trying.
Listen.
Well, at least he doesn't embarrass the guests all the time.
What, like you? No, like you.
Give me that.
Look.
Judge Rinder.
I can't believe you made him read that book.
What book? This book.
I've been inspired by your publication, and I've got my own book here.
Here it is.
You read out some of my laws.
'Always remember to wash your hands after you finger-blast a girl.
' (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) What is that? It's when you're intimate with a lady But why would you blast her? Because they like it.
Don't look at me! We have been trying to book you for five years.
Correct? No, let's get something straight.
I had a phone call from my agent.
The phone hasn't rung for a few years.
And he said, 'Celeb Juice want you to come on.
' I was absolutely font color="# And he said, 'But they just want you to stick your head through the font color="# For three seconds of air time.
' That was it.
So, I said, 'Up yours, and fuck off.
' (LAUGHTER) But I'm grateful that you're having me back.
I think we've got the actual E-mail you sent to our celebrity booker.
This is what he actually said.
'If my career ever gets to the point where I would need to stick my head through your magazine for three seconds of fame, I'd rather kill myself.
' (LAUGHTER) Choose a number.
I am going for number 3.
You're saying number 3 has a lisp? Number 3.
(CHEERING) Good work.
Gino's team.
I can't believe I'm playing this.
I can't believe how into it I am, as well! 2.
2 with no lisp? Lisp.
Let's have a look.
Open your box.
Yes.
(APPLAUSE) What's your name and where are you from? I'm Georgie.
I'm from London, and I have a lisp.
Ah, a sexy lisp.
(APPLAUSE) Right.
Say 'sausages'.
You don't have to.
Sausages.
Say, 'Sexy sausages on a Sunday.
' Just say, 'Fuck off, you ginger (BLEEP).
' I can't! (LAUGHTER) Another rule.
Well, this is good advice for any shopper.
'Never go through the back-doors when a girl has recently eaten font color="#00 (LAUGHTER) Very wise.
Respect.
You know about that, don't you? It sticks around for ages, doesn't it? I was with Danny Dyer in a corridor, and two girls said, 'Can we have a picture with you?' And he joined in the picture, and he went into the ear of one of the girls and went, 'Look at you, you pair of sexy (BLEEP).
' (LAUGHTER) You won't believe it.
What? There's no-one in there.
What are we going to do? Who could go in the magazine and come out and say, 'Scene but not heard'? Just for three minutes of fame.
You couldn't help us out, could you? Fuck it.
Why not? (CHEERING) Holly, pick a category.
Scene But Not Heard.
You've chosen Scene But Not Heard.
Scene But Not Heard.
Dean Gaffney! (CHEERING) Right.
Nice picture, Holly.
Try and smile.
Are you taking it? Three bleeps, and then it takes it.
(BLEEPING) What, now? Smile! (THUNDER) (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHING) Oh, my heart! Let's see if you're smiling.
(LAUGHTER) Do you want to get in? No.
Come on.
Get in the picture.
It's Hallowe'en.
(APPLAUSE) I'm scared now.
Right.
You go first.
I don't like this.
I'll wet myself.
(LAUGHTER) A point for your team.
Big smile.
I don't like this.
I can't get in, cos of your big toe, ma (LAUGHTER) Sit back.
I don't like them dangling in my hair.
Nice big smile.
You look like you've shit your pants! Smile.
I'm scared.
(BLEEPING) Smile.
(SCREAMING) (APPLAUSE) Let's have a look at your smile.
(LAUGHTER) Did you go to boarding-school? I did.
Did you play Soggy Biscuit? (LAUGHTER) Do you know what this game is? I don't want to know, but Gino, do you ever play Soggy Biscuit in your font colo (LAUGHS) What's a soggy biscuit? Oh, my god.
Erma group of men masturbate onto a biscuit, apparently.
I don't know where this happens.
Onto a biscuit? And the last one to cover the biscuit in their special sauce has font color="#00 What biscuit is it? 'What biscuit is it?!' (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I've got a list of some of the subjects you've covered.
Oh.
'The man who said he was possessed by a gay demon.
' (LAUGHTER) No, I mean, if I knew what the show was about, I wouldn't come in.
(LAUGHTER) There was a man who married a horse.
That I remember.
We've got a picture of him.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) The horse left him.
The horse left him.
He said you were hung like a man.
All you have to do is beat the Care Bear in a staring competition.
Whoever blinks first loses.
Ready? Go.
(LAUGHTER) I can't take it seriously.
It's a fucking bear.
Is he gonna blink? His eyes are getting very glassy.
Come on.
You can do it.
Oh, come on.
We're done.
No.
This is anybody's game.
But this is stupid! The bear doesn't blink.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Ah, fuck the bear.
Come on, man.
You're nearly there.
Oh, my god.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING) That was amazing! You've proper changed.
So have you.
Let's look at you seven years ago.
(LAUGHTER) Look at his face! (APPLAUSE) That ain't me.
Look at that.
He's like two Chris Moyleses.
That's not me.
Oh, please stop fucking showing that picture! I am not busting my balls on a treadmill for three years, for you font color="#0 Get it off the screen! Get it off the screen! Get it off the screen! Get it off the screen! I can't believe this show's lasted seven years! (APPLAUSE) Holly, have you ever tried to look at your own arsehole in the mirror? Hey, she has! I have! (APPLAUSE) Why? I think it's good to know what's down there.
Have you ever had your bum bleached? No.
Has anyone else? Rylan, you've had it.
I got a free deal when I had my teeth done.
(APPLAUSE) Have you got any movies coming out? I've got a film coming out.
Very low-budget, but it turned out great.
I play a Texas cowboy, named Dwight.
We've got a picture, I think.
No, no, no Do you know what? I don't need this.
Yes, you do.
You fucking do! (APPLAUSE) Come on.
Coming up (MUMBLES) (BREAKS WIND) Oh, sorry.
Every time I time-travel, I do that.
Oh, that's horrible.
It's just audio.
It doesn't smell.
Where are we? Oh, this is the episode when Joey Essex filled in for you, with his crisp-nado.
The crisp-nado was good.
What is that? Oh, it's a tornado made with crisps.
Crisps everywhere.
One's coming now.
You'll understand it more when you see this next clip.
Let's go.
When you hear the klaxon, collect as many crisp packets as you can! The crisp-nado is here! Oh, my god! Collect as many as you can! Collect them! I can't get them! Put them in your pouch! Destroy the crisp-nado.
What are you saying? Starting with a new band.
U2.
Bono.
Rochelle? I don't know.
Band over head.
What are we talking about? Joey - U2.
David.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Jason.
Nick.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Band on head.
Rochelle? Noel.
Joey? ErDoug.
(BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) Blur.
Joey? Santa.
(BUZZER) The Beatles.
Rochelle? Paul McCartney.
Ben.
Ben! Ben from the Beatles! Come on, you goofy bastard! Joey, what's the secret of Italy? The island looks like a boot.
(LAUGHTER) How can it be an island? It's attached to France.
What is it, then? It's a country.
It's a country.
And? (LAUGHTER) I'm going to show you some road-signs.
Tell me what they are.
For each one you get correct, you win a point.
What does this mean? Well, it ain't 'red and black only', cos that's a liberty.
(LAUGHTER) That would be stupid.
So, it's 'no overtaking' or 'drive side by side'.
B.
That's correct.
(CHEERING) What does this sign mean? Well, it's either A or C.
It's either 'stunt zone' 'Let's get in t'stunt zone!' .
.
or it's C: 'no bikes on top of cars'.
C.
'No bikes on top of cars'? Yeah.
Let's see if you're correct.
(BUZZER) I thought 'motor vehicles' meant motor bikes.
No, Joey!/f What does this mean? (LAUGHTER) 'Elderly people crossing.
' (CHEERING) Let's see if you're right.
Correct.
(CHEERING) I think we should play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING) Ah, finally Oh, (MUMBLES).
(LAUGHS) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHS) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) Run VT.
(MUMBLING) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (MUMBLES) Buh-buh-buh.
(MUMBLES) (BUZZER) Fuck! I forgot.
(MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) What the fuck? (MUMBLES) (SINGING) (SINGING) Ah! (APPLAUSE) (MUMBLES) It's like being with your grandparents! (MUMBLES) Pick something shorter, Jennifer? Can I? (LAUGHTER) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHING) (BUZZER) (MUMBLES) (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) Oh! Fuck off! Coming up after t'break (LAUGHTER) Why are we back here? I've got a bad memory about this show.
What? He's got bad memories from this show.
You can see why.
Don't be such a baby.
I know this was the grossest game, but to me it was the funniest.
I don't know if I can watch this one.
OK.
Let's play it.
/ Welcome to the So You Think You Can Fucking Gargle arena.
I'm here with Louis Walsh.
How are you feeling? I'm nervous.
OK.
I'm going to knock you back.
Uhhhhh Ready? No.
Right.
You've got to gargle it for one point for your team.
Open your mouth.
Ready? Yeah.
I'm going to put the white liquid in your mouth now.
(GROANS) Not yet.
There's not enough.
Right.
For a point for your team, gargle.
(GARGLING) (APPLAUSE) Channel Michael Jackson.
We want to see Bubbles.
(LAUGHTER) HOLLY: That's the worst bit, when it goes in.
(GROANS) (LAUGHTER) That went quite badly.
I don't have the gag reflex I thought I had.
Now, you think you can fucking gargle two spoonfuls of the contents of this.
There you are.
This has been in the mouth of Jimmy, Hayley, Holly and Louis.
This is for ten points.
You requested 20 points, and something from the Mystery Box.
Let's open the Mystery Box.
It's Fearne Cotton's placenta.
(LAUGHTER) Tuna.
Tuna's all right.
In oil or in brine? I don't like the one in brine.
(MIMICS ACCENT) Is it olive oil? Fantastico.
It is brine.
That'll be all right.
That's OK.
I'll just put some tuna in there.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) I don't want to see this.
Oh, god.
Come on, Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino has his team-mates with him, for support.
So You Think You Can Fucking Gargle, Do You? Remember - this is two.
Open.
Oh, my god.
Look at it.
You think you can fucking gargle? Gargle! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) All right? Feeling confident? Very confident.
It's not easy.
Three answers is more than one.
It is.
Five seconds is shorter than 20.
It's less than ten.
It's difficult.
No, it's more than ten! Or is it less than ten? I'm not sure! (LAUGHTER) This is going to be fun.
Name three things that have lips.
Men, womenand women twice.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) You could have said horse! Well, that's a female horse.
And a male horse, as well! Name three parts of the body beginning with T.
Thethe tibia.
Thethe toes.
(BUZZER) Two out of three.
Oh, the tongue.
No, the tits.
Name three things that smell.
Ermgravy.
Why gravy?! (LAUGHTER) Name three things you can shave.
(LAUGHS) Your face.
Your quim.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) My wife's gonna watch this.
I'm in trouble! Name three things that I'd like you to do to me.
Shit on your neck, give you a blow-job and let you come on my font color="#ffff0 Yes! (APPLAUSE) They were the top answers! Name three places you apply cream.
Doncaster, Swindon and Leeds! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) What you've got to do is blow like you've never blown before.
This is fucking up my filler.
(LAUGHS) Ready? Yeah.
Go on the klaxon.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) Blow! Blow! Blow! You're blocking your nose! There it is! Keep going! Keep going! (APPLAUSE) Oh, unlucky, Rylan.
That's no points.
We've got an action replay.
Let's have a look at your efforts.
There you go.
(APPLAUSE) Hu-Man versus Food! What do we win? You will win, Ginoone point.
(LAUGHTER) All this production, all this bullshit - one point? Correct.
It's one point.
Give five, six, seven, ten points.
The adjudicator has told me, if you keep complaining, it'll be only half a point.
One point.
One point.
Ready? When you hear the klaxon Three, two, one (KLAXON) Oh, he's sprinting! He's through the pineapple.
Now you've got to get a goal.
No! You've got to score a goal.
No! Come on.
You can do it.
No! Americans don't play football.
They play soccer.
Come on.
He's in.
Through the curtains.
Here we are, with the Mushroom Man.
Paper, scissors, stone.
(BUZZER) (BUZZER) Again.
(BUZZER) Oh, again.
Oh, again.
I won! Oh, yeah! Shoes off.
This is the most fearsome of all Oh, straight over.
Straight over.
Bite the crusts off.
Oh, look at that! Triple.
(CHEERING) Find the golden potato.
Find the golden potato.
This potato? No, that's a normal potato.
Not a golden potato.
There's the golden potato! (CHEERING) 'How do you count cows? With a cow-culator.
' Come on! (LAUGHTER) No.
I don't like this.
I don't like this.
(GROANS) I'm sweating here.
Paddy, get your hand off her tit.
Sorry! Just force of habit! 'What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
' (LAUGHTER) They're laughing.
(SHRIEKS) We all know that one! When the klaxon goes, you will consume as many marshmallows Just put them in your cavity.
Any cavity.
It's up to you, really.
Is an armpit a cavity? Is an armpit a cavity? No, it's a crevasse.
Bollocks.
The adjudicators say it's either the gobbler or the hoo-ha.
You should be so fucking lucky.
OK, the gobbler, the hoo-ha or the poo-pa.
No, this goes in my mouth.
OK, the gobbler, when the klaxon goes.
(KLAXON) Go.
One.
Let me shove it in.
That's fucking minging.
(APPLAUSE) Two.
Not eat 'em! Three.
He's a bit shy.
My face is fat already.
Kelly! Kelly! Kelly! (CHEERING) Look.
This quail's loving it so much, its legs have popped up.
14? You're going for number 14 in the hoo-ha? In the poo-pa? No? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Look at the camel-toe on that! What's this? 15? 16? What's that? Oh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And I've got to get it out of my fanny.
Bloody hell.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) I've lost one! (APPLAUSE) When you're ready, burn out the candle, but don't burn your face off.
(BELCHES) (LAUGHS) If you're a fan, you can thank me for Michael here drinking this for you guys.
(BELCHES) Oh! (BELCHES) (CHEERING) Let's reveal your sock.
There it is.
So, for you at home, here's what dish it is.
(LAUGHTER) This is for a whole point.
Do you know what? I don't care if he has his hair shaved off.
That is not the team spirit.
Suck it.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Give it a good suck.
Come on.
All the way from Bolton! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Hi.
This is Celebrity Juice, series We're playing Helicopter Head, with Jonathan Ross.
Are you well? Very well.
I feel very alive.
You look very good.
When you hear the klaxon, commence helicop-ting your head.
Am I timed? There'll be an allotted time.
How long is the time? It's allotted! Whilst you've got that on your head, can you do your best Danny Dyer impression? You fucking pair of (BLEEP).
How do you feel? Strange.
If you just open your mouth, like that, you look like a blow-up doll I used to own.
Right.
You've got to knock off the items on the plinths.
They're all items related to you.
OK.
We've got the milk trucks.
The puppies.
The baps.
The rack.
The bangers, the hooters and the pears.
(LAUGHTER) You get a point for each one you knock off, and two if you knock off the Mitchell brothers.
But not only will you get two points.
You get tonight's star prize.
Which is? A Fiat Panda car! (APPLAUSE) Three, two, one (KLAXON) Oh, he's going for the wellies! That's the plinth.
Hold on She's changing Pull it down.
(LAUGHTER) It's like she's raving.
Yes! Look at the technique! Yes! Look at that! Alan Carr now! Boom! He's not messing about.
There he goes.
He's going for the seals.
(CHEERING) He got the beaver! It's round my neck! (LAUGHTER) It's all gone wrong.
She's going for the fox.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) Oh, I'm getting a sweaty arse.
Well, as we seem to have lost Jonathan Ross, let's go to an ad break.
Coming up That piece of cardboard in Madonna's arse! Go, go, go! Run! It's the Body Part Buzzer Round! (CHEERING) Ah, it doesn't feel like the end of the show unless we end with this.
True.
What's been your favourite buzzer? I like it when you find out what it's going to be.
/ Yeah, it's exciting.
I like that, yeah.
My favourite one is the body-part buzzer round.
I love that.
What are you doing with the cardboard? You'll see.
Smell it Here's the best of the buzzer rounds.
What's your buzzer? 'Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, to be sure.
' Thanks for recording that, Louis.
Gino, what's yours? 'Bloody hell.
Those teeth are very big.
Sorry.
' That's Rylan's dentist.
Joey, what's your buzzer? 'Reem! What are you saying?' What are you saying? (LAUGHS) Holly, what's your buzzer? 'Wibbly-wobbly wobble.
Wobbly-wobbly.
Wibble-wobbly wobbly.
' (LAUGHTER) What body parts did Kendall Jenner show off in Paris last week? 'These teeth are too white.
' (LAUGHTER) What part of Kylie Jenner did she admit to having surgical enhancements? 'Head, shoulders, knees and toes.
' (LAUGHTER) Say 'lips'.
Lips.
We can only decide who is the winner tonight if we .
.
touch Not that piece of cardboard, but that piece of cardboard in Madonna's arse! Go, go, go! Run! Run! Run! Run! (SHRIEKS) (AUDIENCE GROANS) Ooh, crab-sticks! It was stuck up it.
It wouldn't come out.
It wouldn't come out? It was stuck.
The winner of tonight's show and the series is (DRUM ROLL) Got a drum roll.
They're saying it's very close.
Oh, come on! Ginoare you feeling confident? (APPLAUSE) That is so mean.
Hurry up.
That drummer's hands are gonna fall off.
The winning team is Come on.
.
.
of Celebrity Juice, series 14 It's Just say it! Holly's team! (CHEERING) This is Does it look all right? What? You look like Wolverine.
(LAUGHS) Let's have a before-and-after picture.
(LAUGHTER) I think you look younger.
Turn to the side.
You're like an Action Man.
Please give it up for a brilliant sport - Gino d'Acampo! (CHEERING) Gino! Gino! We've had some fun, haven't we? We have.
It's been good.
We've missed Fearne, though.
Yeah.
Can we go home now? You just want to go home? Well, it's Christmas Aren't we gonna hang out afterwards? No, I need to go home.
I've got a pizza in the oven.
(LAUGH Well, we can't go without a montage of the best bits.
Oh, I love that.
What's a montage? See you next time.
Happy Christmas.
/font # Give it to me (GUNSHOT) (CHEERING) # I met a boy last week trying to run that game # Made it sound so sweet when he say my name # I said: boy, stop, run it back What is up wit' you, you fuckin' It was like Catchphrase for the mentally ill.
# Maybe you can get it if you got that thang I like I moved 3,000 miles to do this.
(SCREAMS) # Got me freezin' cold # You can go all night, the way you lay that track # But if you wanna hear me sing, you better play that sax # Give it to me! (LAUGHTER) No.
Fuck off! Can we get Fearne back, please? Cheeky bastard! # No fancy cars or bass guitars, fellas in suits, smoking on cigars # Just play that song I know Take a deep breath and blow # Get right Get a grip and rock me all night # Hold tight, lean back Play what I want with that sax (LAUGHTER) # You can go all night, the way you lay that track Call the cops, you mudder-fucker! What's goin' down? You know that ting # Give it to me Read.
# You better play that sax (CHEERING) (SHRIEKS) Sha-ting! (SHRIEKS) What are you saying? You fucking bastard! Then I put the pen in my mouth, and it tasted of shit.
Ah, we're back home.
Ohwith the What have you done? I told you not to mess with the time-machine.
This is ridiculous font color="#00 I don't understand a word he says.
OK.
I've messed up Keith, do you want a baked potato? No, I've eaten already.
Aren't you forgetting something? Am I? Yes.
Oh, yes.
The last link.
Well, thanks for watching.
If I don't see you through t'week See you through t'window.
Ta-ra.