Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e14 Episode Script
Bestest of the Unseenest Bits
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and these are me titles.
Poor show, what? There's Holly Willoughby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers, boys.
There's Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful! That nearly hit me.
And there's Gino DiCampo with a tiny willy.
We're all in heaven but we're not dead - it's just a metaphor for how font col We're still here to make the best telly show on't telly.
What is that telly show on't telly? Celebrity Juice - on't telly.
HD ready.
Ahem.
Hello.
What are you doing? What are you doing here? We're What, the Bestest Of The Unseenest links now? No.
Hello.
Erm, I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to The Bestest Of The Unseenest font color= of Celebrity Juice thingamajig.
I'm busy right I'm busy right now doing series two of me sketch font color="# which will be out in February on ITV2 and I didn't know we were doing these links today, so as you can see, I'm not prepared.
I'm just being made up as Cat Deeley.
Erm, so, it's just the Bestest Of The Unseenest 2015.
There was two series, series 13 and 14, I'm linking to those bits.
You didn't say you were coming here today but let's commence with those bits.
Here they are.
So this series you're going whole Italian all the way through? Er I am Italian.
I'm going to go all-Italian.
I'm growing my hair, huh? What do you think? Well, all I heard then was Charlie Brown's teacher.
(MUMBLING) I ain't got a fucking clue what you're saying.
You're the only person who doesn't understand when I talk.
I do many shows, many things - you're the only person who doesn't understand.
What? (LAUGHTER) Holly, I know you're off This Morning at the moment but when you're on This Morning, do people complain and say, "I can't font col No.
People don't? But sometimes he font color="#0 Like, I think they understand perfectly well when he asks for a "shitter pasta", for example.
(LAUGHTER) But that's at work.
Ask for a sheet of pasta.
It's a pasta sheet.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
It's a pasta shit? Yeah, because, you know, you guys use a "sheeeet" "Eeet.
" Shit? Sheet.
Gino, have you ever had a lasagne shit? You need a sheet to make a lasagne.
No, but (LAUGHTER) No, but have you had a lasagne shit? Yes.
You know what a lasagne shit is? Yeah.
It's a piece of pasta that is flat an No, a shit.
Like a poo-poo? Yeah.
Have you had a lasagne poo-poo? Everybody had a lasagne poo-poo.
If you have lasagne, is normal that you have a lasagne poo-poo.
A lasagne poo-poo is when you do a poo and then you wipe your bum and then you go, "Actually, I need another font color then you say some tissue down, then you do a bit more poo and then you go, "That's it, I'm finished.
" Then you wipe your bum, then you lay t'paper down and then you make a lasagne poo-poo.
That's a lasagne poo.
Oh, I see! You've got layers! Now he Justa like-a my Mama used to poo.
(APPLAUSE) I tell you what's impressive about Will Mellor, that you can do comedy font colo Do your comedy face.
Fuck off.
(LAUGHTER) Down camera 1.
Do a comedy face.
How do you mean, do a comedy face? I don't just pull faces when I don't just pull faces.
Yeah, but if you were doing someth what would your face look like? See? What about your serious face? Oh! See? Oh, yes.
You know I'm going to cry in a minute.
What about your serious comedy face? And finally, what about your come face? (CHEERING) They're very similar.
There is one thing that I hate in life is to talk about women, poo and farting.
Why? There is one I Where do stand on queefing? What is queefing? The fanny fart or the muff puff or the Ah, yeah! Some ladies "Ah, yeah!" Like, "Phhhfff.
" Some ladies Some ladies, of course, are embarrassed about it and they'd probably call it a (BLEEP) grunt.
(LAUGHTER)/ I tell you what, for a man called Kamara, you really do take shit font color="#f You're known for it, aren't you? The Kammy selfies.
The Kammy #KammySelfie.
If you had a face like mine, you'd take Kammy selfies like I do.
Let's have a look at some of your selfies.
These are genuine selfies.
Next one - look at that.
Hey, it's James Morrison! It is.
Why can't you do it? You look confused on all of them, like you don't know where you are.
Do you understand what a selfie is? It's you - hello, me - and let's say Jerry Springer - ka-ching.
And we pose, two together.
Not my confused eyes.
Well, I want to be in a selfie with him.
You want to be? /f Get a selfie with Jerry, then, a proper one.
And you.
/font This is good.
Have you got a camera? I have.
Hi.
This is ITV2.
We're just doing selfies.
We'll get on with the show font col Kammy's got his camera on there.
Wait - you just got a message.
You'd better see who it's from.
That was them over there.
Selfie it round.
Yes - there you go.
Get in! Get in! He's not even in it.
He's doing it again.
He's doing it again.
It's just us two.
Oh, no, no! Ooh! Tweet it.
Tweet it, yeah? I will.
Fucking still just the corner of his eyebrow.
Hold it up to camera five.
The first one you took.
Is it? Is that the one? (LAUGHTER) Am I still doing links? Oh, so, welcome back to me, still being made-up.
It takes ages to become Cat Deeley.
So it's the best of series 13 and 14, which obviously means that features Fearne Cotton.
And I'll be honest with you, I right missed her when we did series 14.
Gino did a fantastic job but I missed Fearne.
In her dressing room, she used to take her top off and wrestle me to the ground and try and suffocate me with her hairy font color="# and it smelt like teenage boy armpits.
It smelt of Lynx.
B And I'd just like to apologise for all the wrongdoings I've done font color="# cos I actually do love her and here's some clips of me not loving her but in some of the clips I am loving her.
Enjoy.
Look, where is t'monitor? It's over there.
Before we start, just do a big shout-out to my mate who used to be a boy but became a woman and she's had a sweet Punny.
Fearne Cotton, congratulations! (WHOOPING) Whoo! She's just got She's got a little baby T-rex and a sweet Punny.
Honey.
Honey? Baby Honey.
I thought it was Punny.
No.
Honey.
I wondered what you were saying.
I thought that some weird, like, font color="#0 I was like, what? I thought her baby was called Punny.
/font No - Honey.
I thought it was a name for a lady place.
I wasn't sure.
That's what she named it after, when it cam "I'll name it after me punny.
" (LAUGHTER) Sweet Punny.
I'll do it her voice.
"I'll name it after my punny.
" (LAUGHTER) No-one's got a sweet punny the day after, have they? Oh, no In this game I want you to say as many words as you can randomly, without stuttering, h-hesitating Like I did.
Fuck off, Fearne.
Yes, that's correct.
(CHEERING) Ready? Three, two, one, go.
(HOOTER) That's a sentence.
That's a sentence.
Eh? You can't say sentences.
What are you? You doing?/f That's a sentence.
It's still got the words though, hasn't it? I'm going to start that again.
I'm going to start that again.
font color="#fff No, it's a sentence.
Otherwise you could say, "I am going to the shop font colo What is a word, though.
Random words, I said.
That were a sentence.
That weren't a rule.
I said random words, you motherfucker.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Focus.
Are you ready? font color="# OK.
Why did I say that? That was bizarre.
(HOOTER) (APPLAUSE) Why did I say that? It was fine.
Crematorium? Crematorium.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Is that even a word? That is a word.
That is a word, yeah.
"Has anyone heard of a crematorium?" Have anyone heard of a crematorium? font c What is it? Sounds like an aquarium.
No.
It's not like an aquarium.
It's sort of Never go to a crematorium and hope to find You won't.
I mean, it's not as fun a day out for the kids (LAUGHTER) .
.
you know.
So what is it? You won't get to stroke the stingray.
Wha We haven't got time to explain death to you.
Right.
It's best if we show you.
(LAUGHTER) Hey, Charlotte.
Yeah? Are you still font color="#f Didn't he dump you, though, via text? Yeah.
How was that, being dumped by text? It was It was hard.
I've been dumped by text before.
Have you? It's terrible, isn't it, because it would be better if it's face to font color I got over it but I did keep the text on me phone.
Did you? What did it say? I'll read it to you.
I've still got the text.
I won't say who it was who dumped me.
In the audience, don't like I don't know if they'll keep this in, font colo (LAUGHTER) Er Here's the text.
"Keith, this has to stop.
I love being a team captain on Celebrity Juice and you are the best sex I've ever had.
" Nice.
"I'm worried that our relationship will jeopardise the font color="#ffff PS.
When we make love I love it when you put your fingers in my font color="#fff I don't want to say I don't want to say who dumped me cos I don't kiss and tell.
But, yeah, it's difficult, isn't it, by text? Yeah, it is.
Yours is harder than mine.
But you're back together.
We're back together.
We're happy now.
Are you happy? Yeah.
font color="#ffff00" He is but I think he's in the green room.
Is he? Yeah.
What's he dressed as? A prick.
(LAUGHTER) Coming up after t'break.
Oh, that smells so bad.
PADDY: It's not the first time you've had something veiny in your mouth.
Are you allergic to cat food? You bastard! I hope you're enjoying this Bestest Of The Unseenest clips of Celebrity font col I don't know what you've seen so far of the Unseenest.
Have you put the bit in with John Newman when he was grating a shoe? Cos none of them know what's going in yet because I shouldn't really be doing these links today cos I'm busy filming Keith Lemon Sketch Show series two which is out on telly in February on ITV2.
But I would recommend putting in the John Newman grating the shoe in.
Anyway, they're now nodding their heads saying they have got that bit font color of Unseenest Bestest Bits with John Newman grating a shoe.
(COMPUTER VOICE) (APPLAUSE) What is the next science experiment, Mr Hawkins? Can you grate a wellington boot? And who would you like to do the experiment? 'John Newman.
' John Newman, everyone! (CHEERING) Hiya.
Word.
Hiya.
Welcome to t'lab.
Nice one.
So Mr Hawkins wants you to grate a wellington boot.
Have you ever done that before? No.
Well, here it is.
Now, I suggest using the heel because there's more girth.
If you hold it like that, it's going to get a bit tricky.
You're best getting your fist in there and .
.
grating it with a bit of firm action.
You know what I'm saying, don't you? Yeah.
Have you done this before? I've done this enough times.
Like, at weekends.
Yeah, yeah.
I like to have a baked potato with a bit of welly.
Right.
/ Wow.
You went for the emu, didn't you? You're so tender with it.
Hi, Mum.
Hi.
You're watching ITV2.
We've got John Newman from the world of music grating a wellington boot.
(APPLAUSE) Ready? Apparently, the technique is crucial.
# JOHN NEWMAN: We All Get Lonely See, I'd put the grater on the plate and then go for the heel.
font color="#fff All right, Mum.
Chill out.
Oh, whatever.
John Newman, he's a singer, he can dance and he can grate a welly.
(HOOTER) That's brilliant.
Let's see what Mr Hawkins says.
Mr Hawkins, how was? Was that a successful experiment? Does he get a point for his team? 'That was a success.
A point for his team.
' That was A point for your team! (CHEERING) What's it like, like, four guys on tour, then? Phew! /font You must get, like, enough fanny.
I've never heard someone say that on TV.
You know, fanny Flange? That's not so bad.
Minge.
I knew you were gonna say that! I knew you were gonna do minge! What do you say, then? What's the Australian word for it? I don't know.
What is it? Vulva.
No! Gino likes the science words.
Fur burger.
Fur burger?! You really are a dirty bitch, aren't you? Furry burger.
This is a common question I ask a lot of people.
Has your farts ever said a person's name? Oh, God.
It would be a peculiar talent if somebody could do that, though.
Then I have a peculiar talent, then.
(LAUGHTER) Could you go on Britain's Got Talent or something? I don't think I'd win just because my anus can go, "Philip!" (LAUGHTER) Though The Queen might appreciate that.
Me there, in front of the Queen.
Philip.
Does it say any other names? It's say "don't" a lot and "shoe".
Shoo.
But it's, it's When it's really vexed it goes, "Stuart!" What else does your anus say? Just those words.
Only those? You're not teaching it to say more? I will teach it tonight to say "Rinder!" (APPLAUSE) This is a proper restaurant.
It's Le Sock.
I'm going to give you a dish.
I want you to tell me what the dish is font color= So there it is.
(GROANING) For the audience and you guys at home, this is what this shit is.
(GROANING) I'm very proud of this dish.
(GROANING) (LAUGHTER) It's like It's got like ectoplasm on the bottom.
Is it crying? Condensation.
It's crying cos it so wishes to be in your mouth.
Ugh.
So, suck it and see.
Do you want to hold it? You can hold it.
Why's mine the only one that's discoloured through the full thing? It looks like it's got veins on it.
Veins! Get up to it.
Oh, that smells so bad.
Come on, Chris.
It's not the first time you've had something veiny in your mouth.
You said you wouldn't tell anyone! Are you allergic to cat food? You bastard! That is salmony to me.
Keep going.
Go on! This is horrible.
This is peer pressure.
I feel like I'm doing drugs.
Come on.
(COUGHS) (GROANING) I don't know what it is but I'm like 70% sadder than when I was font color="#0 So what are you saying? I don't know.
It's like There might be fish involved.
There's definitely fish involved.
font color="#ff Er It is like Keyhole, isn't it? They're clapping because you're getting close.
Was that salmon, no? No? Why is it the colour of salmon? Was it? That's the blood coming through, I expect.
/fon I don't know.
I only know salmon and cod.
Let's see.
/font No.
If it's not battered I'm fucked.
It's whole baked trout with ratatouille.
Oh! Well, brilliant.
Good try.
Unlucky.
That sounds nice but not through a fucking sock.
/f You've been in America quite a lot recently.
We have.
/fon What do they think of your accents? They can't understand.
They can't understand Do they think you're from Sri Lanka? font color="#ffffff We have to talk a lot slower so they can understand what we're saying.
Do you still say "toon" when you go to America? No, I say "town".
Yeah.
You still said "toon".
Did I? Yeah.
Town.
You still said "toon".
Toon.
Town.
You said toon again.
font color="#ffff (EXAGGERATES ACCENT) Town.
Town.
(LAUGHTER) It's nice to try something different, isn't it? No.
I don't like trying new things.
It'll broaden your horizons.
font color="#00ff Not in your mouth but up your arse? I'm joking.
Who would put food in their arse? Oh So, there it is, Frankie.
Yum.
(GROANING) For the audience and you guys at home, this is what dish it is.
# CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS That sounds quite nice, doesn't it? Yeah.
(GROANING) It smells quite friendly, actually.
Yeah, it's a friendly sock.
Well, get your tongue Get your mouth on it.
Is it only me finding this erotic? I like it.
I dare you to stand up now.
Oh! I don't like them Yeah? .
.
but I think I know what it is.
Yeah? Cock? (LAUGHTER) Is it After Eights? So what is After Eights? What is it? Chocolate and mint.
I'm going to give you that, yes.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Seeing as though this is the last episode of this series, It's an action replay of that, so get some tissues.
If you're a 16-year-old boy just masturbate until it hurts.
(LAUGHTER) Yorkshire has a lot of nice phrases.
I think we're nice people.
font color="#00fff Not like fucking furry burger.
As we would say, sweet twopence, wouldn't we? Yes.
"That lovely sweet twopence she had.
I'll see her again.
" Foofoo? Got a lovely foofoo.
Oh, foofoo.
That's a nice one.
What do you call it, Holly? Er I bet you've got a right posh name for it.
Jemima.
I don't have a name.
"Are you there, Jemima.
I'm going to Ooh "Jemima, that little man who was in the boat with you, font color="#ffff Sh! Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Prankass.
This is Wet Dream.
(GROANING) What the fuck was that?! It's Prankass! This is Wet Dream.
I just pissed in your face with my font color= Prankass?! Yeah! Prankass! Prankass! He pissed all over me! I pissed in your face! This is awesome! Awesome, dude! Yes! Prankass! (APPLAUSE) Well, that was a great set of clips.
What a lovely montage.
But it doesn't stop there.
We've got more clips coming up.
How's it going? You've got your hand in their phones.
I've not got me bandage on, so I'm hiding me hand.
It looks a bit obtuse on telly without the bandage cos that tattoo font color="# So what are you doing? Just er Nothing, really.
Just doing the Sketch Show series two, which you're being part of.
That's good.
Which is on telly in February.
Erm You're doing links, aren't you? I'm doing links, y Yeah, I'm doing links for The Unseenest Bestest Bits.
You want me to jump in? Er Do a link for you? No, I'm doing all right.
I'm the king of links.
Yeah, I know you are.
I've learned everything from you.
I could jump in and do one.
I don't want to step on your toes or anything but Yeah, do one.
Do this one.
Shall I do this one? Do this one, yeah.
That's fine.
Right, here's another set of amazing unseen clips from Celebrity Juice.
Enjoy.
Enjoy these.
They're amazing.
These are the best I love them.
You're gonna love Very, very funny.
This is the funniest bit coming up.
Some of the best I've seen.
Yes, that's why I put them in.
Time to run VT.
Yep.
Run Off you go.
.
.
with the old font color="# Word to your mum.
Welcome to Kanye Do It? with me, Keith Lemon and little Kanye West.
Word.
How's it going? Good.
Right, man.
First challenge, please.
Chopping frozen pizzas.
All you've got to do is chop these, one hand, 30 seconds.
30 seconds to chop ten pizzas.
Please welcome none other than Tom Cruise.
So how's it going? Kanye, have got any questions you want to ask Tom font color= What kind of films is he gonna make for the future? Action slash adventure.
More action slash adventure films.
You've got 30 seconds to karate chop ten pizzas.
Kanye Do It? Yes.
Back to the studio for you to decide if he Kanye do it.
(APPLAUSE) So, Holly's team.
Kanye Tom Cruise chop ten pizzas in 30 seconds? What's the toppings? (LAUGHTER) I didn't think to ask.
Random ones.
No because if it's anchovies, that could bind it together.
It's one of life's natural plasters.
I can't remember.
(LAUGHTER) I think Kanye.
Er He can? What he doesn't want to smash What if he wants to kick the fuck out of a load of potato waffles? On that argument alone, we're going for Kanye - he Kanye.
He can.
He Kanye.
Fearne's team? We should cross over to our pizza expert here.
He Kantye.
He can't? No? No.
Have you ever tried a chop up a frozen pizza? I don't do fr A pizza I had, the crust is stuffed with what looks like a hot dog font color="# Stuffed sausage in a pizza? No.
That sounds good to me.
It's like you're going on a date.
You put your hand down there and she's already got a vibrator in her minge.
Wow.
(APPLAUSE) Wow.
It's It's too much.
Also, why are you gesturing towards me? Because you're the only female that I've got here to show them.
Yes! If that stall is occupied, you get to go round the back.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! No.
No.
Fearne's team say that he Kan font color Holly's team are saying that he Kanye.
Let's have a look.
Could we have some Mission: Impossible? # Mission Impos There's the Mission: Impossible music.
Right.
Do you want to count him down? Are you ready? Yes.
Three, two, one, go! One! Two.
That fuse is going across, hopefully.
What are we one? What are we on? Five.
Four.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Ten! You've only had 20 seconds, Tom! High five.
Well done.
You did it.
(APPLAUSE) I'm surprised you didn't say, "Beyonce could do it quicker.
" When the camera's off, he says "Beyonce could do this better," but when the camera's are on, he's like, "I'm not bothered font color="#ffff You're always going on about Beyonce.
Oh, my gosh.
You are.
It's him.
He's going on about Beyonce all the time.
Now you are, so I don't bring it up.
He brings it up.
You just brung it up! Back to the studio.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break.
(LAUGHTER) I need medical attention, man.
Joey needs medical attention.
Ben, would you say that fame has changed you? No.
Do you think that you are better than you were half an hour ago? Yeah.
If I could like take you back in time Uh-huh? .
.
do you think if we put you against Ben Hae-then What, Hae-now versus Hae-then? Yeah.
Yeah, I reckon I am.
You'd take on the challenge against Hae-then? Yeah.
What challenge is it? Well, let's play.
SPORTS ANNOUNCER: Ben Hae-now versus Ben Hae-then.
(CHEERING) First of all, let's have a chat with Hae-then.
Hae-then, how do you feeling about the challenge? I'm feeli You don't stand a chance.
He's a cocky bastard, isn't it? He can be.
He can be.
So what I want you to do is down a pint of lager and eat a packet of font color="# Whoever finishes first will win a point for the team.
OK.
/f Is he allowed to put the crisps in the lager before doing it? font color="#ffff00" What flavour crisps are they? There's your pint, here's your font color="#ffff That's for Hae-now for a point for your team, you've just got to beat font colo You go on the claxon.
On the claxon (HOOTER) font Go on, Ben.
(AUDIENCE) Go! Go! Go! Go! Come on, Hae-now.
Come on, Hae-now.
You can do it.
(CHEERING) Come on! Oh, no! Come on, Ben! I'm rooting for Hae-now.
He's a nicer guy.
Hae-now is a nicer guy.
Go for it.
You're getting there.
You're getting there.
Come on, Hae-now.
You can do it.
(CHEERING) Oh! Yes! (CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Well done.
Piece of piss.
(LAUGHTER) That's a point to Ben Hae-now! (CHEERING) You and Olly on the show are very handsy.
We've always been like that.
We've got some pictures of you.
Hold hands.
Ah! Ah! Ooh! Look at him.
"Best day of me life.
Best day of me life.
" Do you think? He's single, isn't he, Olly? Friends with benefits, I think you are.
No, we're actually We're It's almost like we're We're like married without the benefits.
Well, why don't you get involved in the benefits? We've go It's gone too far now.
What, with the benefits? No, we've Anal sex.
You went to anal sex.
(LAUGHTER) No! (APPLAUSE) Hi, you'd be mistaken if you thought I was Taylor Swift.
I'm busy on the set of me second series - we got a second series - of the Sketch Show, doing a spoof of Taylor Swift's Bad Blood video.
Another video that she did was Shake It off, which reminds me of this next clip which I'm cleverly linking to which is called Get That Carrier Bag Off Me, featuring Joey Essex.
Enjoy.
The clip's not called the enjoy bit, it's called Get That font color="# Enjoy was my sentiment.
Like it.
(TANNOY CHIMES) Hello.
Could we have some dramatic lighting in aisle six, please? (LAUGHTER) There it is! All right.
I never knew one of these things would sound like Holly Willoughby.
font color=" When you hear the claxon, Joey, shake it off! They're too t (HOOTER) (WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER) Done it! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (HOOTER) Oh, look.
Does that count? Oh, mate.
Hello? I need medical attention, man.
Joey needs medical attention.
Have you hurt your legs, Joey? Yeah.
Here.
Make bread shoes.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) There you go.
Loafers! (LAUGHTER) (WHISTLING) Eh, I was bullied on the flipside of that coin.
Oh, you're good looking! Aren't you good looking? No! Look at him - good looking! No! Your chin looks like an arse.
Your chin looks like an arse.
Look at that model.
Ain't he thin? Oh, you're so thin.
They wouldn't paint me face at the fair cos they said it would ruin it.
I get paid to wear clothes and look right good.
I hate my life! Me wife's fit as fuck.
Have you ever eaten something that's just made you throw up instantly? No.
Not really.
I've had some stuff when I was in Japan.
You don't want to be rude to hosts and they hand you something and I had some custard called chawanmushi and they go, "It's made with the male egg of a fish.
" I'm like, "Oh, male egg.
" I'm like, "Dudes don't have Oh!" It was font (GROANING) I'm like, at least give me a pre-nup before I like That's the most sperm without a pre-nup I guess I've ever had.
Have you ever tasted your own sperm? Not intentionally.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Gino's looking at his shoes.
You've gone red.
You've both tasted font color=" You fucking have.
I did once.
Why? Why? Because I - font color="#00f (LAUGHTER) You haven't tried it? I have not! No! I like the feeling, I like the feeling and, you know, when it comes out, yeah, I don't go, "Oh, that looks nice.
Ooh!" I'm not gonna eat it.
No because it went onto the hand and I was like You did n (LAUGHTER) It's not bad.
Gino, what did it taste like? It's slightly salty and Like Chianti.
No, it's salty but what I like is thethe What you like? What you like? No, not what I like.
Tell you what, I was talking about this and he said, "Hasn't everyone tasted their own sperm?" I said, "No.
" He said, "But when I were young and I was being by font color=" it just shot up and went on me face.
" I said, "Yeah, I remember when you're young and it used to go 'Raaaarrrr!'" Now, being in me thirties, it just kind of cries out of the end.
(LAUGHS MANICALLY) Oh, that was a good clip, wasn't it? Well, I don't know if it was because I don't know what I'm linking to font col We're on the set of the Bad Blood video.
It doesn't look like Bad Blood, it's just a green screen but they'll key all the stuff in that they need to key in to make it look like the video.
Anyway, I'm going to look to the monitor on this side and link to the next bit.
It's really funny.
I don't know what it is because they've not told me font co Enjoy it, though.
(LAUGHS) Oh! Get this wig off and these underpants are killing me.
# Countdown Theme You five-second fool! (CHEERING) (# Mastermind Theme) Hello, Ben Haenow.
Welcome to Five Second Fool.
Thank you.
/ What I'm gonna do is ask you some questions.
I want you to give me font color=" You've got five seconds to answer with those three answers.
Do you understand? I understand.
Are you ready for the first one? Yeah.
OK.
Let's go.
Name three things that are orange.
Oranges, an orange dress and an orange towel.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) You also could have said Myself.
.
.
"Meself.
" fo Name three things you look for in man/woman.
Er, personality and er (FAMILY FORTUNES WRONG ANSWER NOISE) Oh! You could have said tits and minge.
Name three things you can eat.
Er, a carrot, a potato and mashed potatoes.
(LAUGHTER) You could have said Jess Wright but I'll give you that.
Name I'm 71.
It's not gonna happen.
font color= Name three things that squirt.
Squirt Erm A squidgy gun.
A squidgy gun? Yeah.
Have you not heard of one of them? (WRONG ANSWER NOISE) Oh.
A water pistol? You've gone five seconds.
But you were questioning my first answer.
Don't listen to me.
Squidgy gun.
I didn't say three things that can squidge.
Name me three things you can shake.
Shake.
Er A rattle.
Erm, a bag.
(LAUGHS) Don't laugh! I'm answering the questions.
A bag? Do you shake a bag? When you get to my age, you'll know what shaking a bag is.
Name three people you fancy.
Holly Willoughby.
Jess.
Mm-hm.
You forgot me! And your missus.
(APPLAUSE) Name three things that turn you on.
Jess, Holly and your missus.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break.
I've done the duck, I've done the vagina, and I tried the apple.
He has no fucking idea what he's talking about.
Do you ever get mistaken for Chris Martin? All the time.
/fo Oh, my God! You do look like Chris Martin.
I had it the other day.
This girl went, "You're Chris.
" I was like, font color She was like, "Yeah, you are.
" I was like, "I'm fucking not.
" But I don't mind.
It's good to have a distraction, you know.
I don't mind that they think I'm Chris or Jenson Button or whoever font color="# cos then I can get out of being me, you know? I can chill.
Don't you ever feel like, if they say you're you can go, "Right, I'll play with Chris Martin's life," and go, "Yeah, I'm Chris Martin and you're a fucking bell-end"? Does anyone else get mistaken for anyone on here? I do.
Bruno.
Toniolioliolio.
Bruno from Strictly Come Dancin And the jockey - Frankie Dettori.
Oh, yes, yes! Yeah! Yeah! Often I get asked how's the horses and everything like that.
I'm like, "What fucking horses?" (LAUGHTER) I don't have horses.
(# Countdown Theme) You five second fool! (APPLAUSE) (# Mastermind Theme) GINO: Oh, very good.
Very good.
Gino Uh-huh? .
.
down camera three font color="#f Which one's camera three? Ah! The one that says three on it.
(LAUGHTER) Name three things that can't fly.
A dog, a cat and definitely a dolphin.
(BELL TINGS) Definitely a dolphin.
Definitely a dolphin.
Maybe a cat and a dog but definitely a dolphin.
Name three things you can shave.
You can shave? Legs, your face and your balls.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Name three things that squirt.
Er, vagina, er, an apple if you squash it and a duck if you squeeze it.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (WRONG ANSWER NOISE) What do you mean, no? I've done the duck, I've done the vagina and I've tried the apple.
(LAUGHTER) He has no fucking idea what he's talking about.
Can you just qualify how a duck squirts.
If you squeeze the belly it goes, "Phut!" How does a vagina squirt? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) (BELL TINGS) (CHEERING) Yes.
Yes! (WHISTLING) There you go.
This is just a generic link.
I don't know what I'm linking to again.
I'm supposed to fill time here so, erm, I'll show you how I dance.
When I dance in a nightclub, I probably just so I don't look like I'm showing off.
Just this sort of thing.
Unless an attractive girl comes in and then I'll put a bit of hip into it, like that.
Got that? That's filled a bit of time.
What else? Er Well, whilst I'm filling time I'll tell you this now.
I'm 32 years of age and I still don't know what a falafel is.
There.
Full enough? OK.
So here's the next colliccollection of, erm, clips.
I nearly said "colliction" cos I've got clit on t'brain.
That's Oh, clitoris.
I can say clitoris cos that's a science word.
You can't say clit.
That's one where women go, "Ugh!", same as when you font Kelly, can I just ask you, the last poo you did, how would you describe it as a movie title? I can't answer that.
I don't do things like that.
You don't poo? Yes, you do.
How would it -? That's disgusting! When you do a poo, do you have a look and go, "Nice work"? font color="#00ffff But when you wipe your bum, though, you look at the paper, don't you? Oh! How do you know it's clean? How do you know you're cle I don't That's what you do, don't you? You just sort of lean over the edge and go, "I've given it three wipes.
font co Horrible.
Have you ever wiped to hard so there's blood on t It happens though, doesn't it? Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) # When I'm without you You're stuck on my mind # Be all you need Till the day that I die # I'll love you Over and over again # (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Whoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoooo! That A bit naughty.
.
.
is a Yeah.
Sorry, Mum.
You've even got Mary Berry in there.
Yeah.
Look, here she is.
She's so cute, that woman! # From the way you smile To the way you look # You capture me Unlike no other # (LAUGHTER) Oh! (APPLAUSE) When you're doing a video like that, how do you not get a bonk on? You know what, it's kind of stage fright cos you do get a bit nervous.
You get a traveller.
A what? Traveller.
A what? You know, like when you're on a bus, travelling,/f and you get twitch but it doesn't go right up, it just goes straight out, font c You can't get off on your stop so you have to miss your stop and stay font color Not right up, Jerry, but it's like a fair out.
You can't have sex with an out or even up because as we know - you know.
Yeah, that But with one of those ones, it just makes life awkward.
Righ You can use it as a game where your friend throws donuts onto it.
But You're so weird.
But you font color="#ffff you must have got like an out.
I mean, how does he answer that? He says, "No, I thought of Fearne Cotton and it just went floppy as a font color Well, that's it.
I hope you've enjoyed Celebrity Juice The Bestest font color="# I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you next year, probably in February, when the Keith Lemon Sketch Show series two airs on ITV2, probably Thursdays, ten o'clock.
That's normally where they put me, which is good for me - I like it.
Anyway, all t'best.
Happy new year, happy Easter, St George's Day, all the days, cos I don't know what day this is on right now.
I'm supposed to be filming me Sketch Show series two.
So you lot, clear off now.
All the crew leave from Celebrity Juice as I commence filming the Keith Lemon Sketch Show series two, February on ITV2.
All t'best.
So what are we gonna do? Stick it up me arse, that salad?
Poor show, what? There's Holly Willoughby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers, boys.
There's Fearne Cotton with a bow and arrow.
Careful! That nearly hit me.
And there's Gino DiCampo with a tiny willy.
We're all in heaven but we're not dead - it's just a metaphor for how font col We're still here to make the best telly show on't telly.
What is that telly show on't telly? Celebrity Juice - on't telly.
HD ready.
Ahem.
Hello.
What are you doing? What are you doing here? We're What, the Bestest Of The Unseenest links now? No.
Hello.
Erm, I'm Keith Lemon, welcome to The Bestest Of The Unseenest font color= of Celebrity Juice thingamajig.
I'm busy right I'm busy right now doing series two of me sketch font color="# which will be out in February on ITV2 and I didn't know we were doing these links today, so as you can see, I'm not prepared.
I'm just being made up as Cat Deeley.
Erm, so, it's just the Bestest Of The Unseenest 2015.
There was two series, series 13 and 14, I'm linking to those bits.
You didn't say you were coming here today but let's commence with those bits.
Here they are.
So this series you're going whole Italian all the way through? Er I am Italian.
I'm going to go all-Italian.
I'm growing my hair, huh? What do you think? Well, all I heard then was Charlie Brown's teacher.
(MUMBLING) I ain't got a fucking clue what you're saying.
You're the only person who doesn't understand when I talk.
I do many shows, many things - you're the only person who doesn't understand.
What? (LAUGHTER) Holly, I know you're off This Morning at the moment but when you're on This Morning, do people complain and say, "I can't font col No.
People don't? But sometimes he font color="#0 Like, I think they understand perfectly well when he asks for a "shitter pasta", for example.
(LAUGHTER) But that's at work.
Ask for a sheet of pasta.
It's a pasta sheet.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
It's a pasta shit? Yeah, because, you know, you guys use a "sheeeet" "Eeet.
" Shit? Sheet.
Gino, have you ever had a lasagne shit? You need a sheet to make a lasagne.
No, but (LAUGHTER) No, but have you had a lasagne shit? Yes.
You know what a lasagne shit is? Yeah.
It's a piece of pasta that is flat an No, a shit.
Like a poo-poo? Yeah.
Have you had a lasagne poo-poo? Everybody had a lasagne poo-poo.
If you have lasagne, is normal that you have a lasagne poo-poo.
A lasagne poo-poo is when you do a poo and then you wipe your bum and then you go, "Actually, I need another font color then you say some tissue down, then you do a bit more poo and then you go, "That's it, I'm finished.
" Then you wipe your bum, then you lay t'paper down and then you make a lasagne poo-poo.
That's a lasagne poo.
Oh, I see! You've got layers! Now he Justa like-a my Mama used to poo.
(APPLAUSE) I tell you what's impressive about Will Mellor, that you can do comedy font colo Do your comedy face.
Fuck off.
(LAUGHTER) Down camera 1.
Do a comedy face.
How do you mean, do a comedy face? I don't just pull faces when I don't just pull faces.
Yeah, but if you were doing someth what would your face look like? See? What about your serious face? Oh! See? Oh, yes.
You know I'm going to cry in a minute.
What about your serious comedy face? And finally, what about your come face? (CHEERING) They're very similar.
There is one thing that I hate in life is to talk about women, poo and farting.
Why? There is one I Where do stand on queefing? What is queefing? The fanny fart or the muff puff or the Ah, yeah! Some ladies "Ah, yeah!" Like, "Phhhfff.
" Some ladies Some ladies, of course, are embarrassed about it and they'd probably call it a (BLEEP) grunt.
(LAUGHTER)/ I tell you what, for a man called Kamara, you really do take shit font color="#f You're known for it, aren't you? The Kammy selfies.
The Kammy #KammySelfie.
If you had a face like mine, you'd take Kammy selfies like I do.
Let's have a look at some of your selfies.
These are genuine selfies.
Next one - look at that.
Hey, it's James Morrison! It is.
Why can't you do it? You look confused on all of them, like you don't know where you are.
Do you understand what a selfie is? It's you - hello, me - and let's say Jerry Springer - ka-ching.
And we pose, two together.
Not my confused eyes.
Well, I want to be in a selfie with him.
You want to be? /f Get a selfie with Jerry, then, a proper one.
And you.
/font This is good.
Have you got a camera? I have.
Hi.
This is ITV2.
We're just doing selfies.
We'll get on with the show font col Kammy's got his camera on there.
Wait - you just got a message.
You'd better see who it's from.
That was them over there.
Selfie it round.
Yes - there you go.
Get in! Get in! He's not even in it.
He's doing it again.
He's doing it again.
It's just us two.
Oh, no, no! Ooh! Tweet it.
Tweet it, yeah? I will.
Fucking still just the corner of his eyebrow.
Hold it up to camera five.
The first one you took.
Is it? Is that the one? (LAUGHTER) Am I still doing links? Oh, so, welcome back to me, still being made-up.
It takes ages to become Cat Deeley.
So it's the best of series 13 and 14, which obviously means that features Fearne Cotton.
And I'll be honest with you, I right missed her when we did series 14.
Gino did a fantastic job but I missed Fearne.
In her dressing room, she used to take her top off and wrestle me to the ground and try and suffocate me with her hairy font color="# and it smelt like teenage boy armpits.
It smelt of Lynx.
B And I'd just like to apologise for all the wrongdoings I've done font color="# cos I actually do love her and here's some clips of me not loving her but in some of the clips I am loving her.
Enjoy.
Look, where is t'monitor? It's over there.
Before we start, just do a big shout-out to my mate who used to be a boy but became a woman and she's had a sweet Punny.
Fearne Cotton, congratulations! (WHOOPING) Whoo! She's just got She's got a little baby T-rex and a sweet Punny.
Honey.
Honey? Baby Honey.
I thought it was Punny.
No.
Honey.
I wondered what you were saying.
I thought that some weird, like, font color="#0 I was like, what? I thought her baby was called Punny.
/font No - Honey.
I thought it was a name for a lady place.
I wasn't sure.
That's what she named it after, when it cam "I'll name it after me punny.
" (LAUGHTER) Sweet Punny.
I'll do it her voice.
"I'll name it after my punny.
" (LAUGHTER) No-one's got a sweet punny the day after, have they? Oh, no In this game I want you to say as many words as you can randomly, without stuttering, h-hesitating Like I did.
Fuck off, Fearne.
Yes, that's correct.
(CHEERING) Ready? Three, two, one, go.
(HOOTER) That's a sentence.
That's a sentence.
Eh? You can't say sentences.
What are you? You doing?/f That's a sentence.
It's still got the words though, hasn't it? I'm going to start that again.
I'm going to start that again.
font color="#fff No, it's a sentence.
Otherwise you could say, "I am going to the shop font colo What is a word, though.
Random words, I said.
That were a sentence.
That weren't a rule.
I said random words, you motherfucker.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Focus.
Are you ready? font color="# OK.
Why did I say that? That was bizarre.
(HOOTER) (APPLAUSE) Why did I say that? It was fine.
Crematorium? Crematorium.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Is that even a word? That is a word.
That is a word, yeah.
"Has anyone heard of a crematorium?" Have anyone heard of a crematorium? font c What is it? Sounds like an aquarium.
No.
It's not like an aquarium.
It's sort of Never go to a crematorium and hope to find You won't.
I mean, it's not as fun a day out for the kids (LAUGHTER) .
.
you know.
So what is it? You won't get to stroke the stingray.
Wha We haven't got time to explain death to you.
Right.
It's best if we show you.
(LAUGHTER) Hey, Charlotte.
Yeah? Are you still font color="#f Didn't he dump you, though, via text? Yeah.
How was that, being dumped by text? It was It was hard.
I've been dumped by text before.
Have you? It's terrible, isn't it, because it would be better if it's face to font color I got over it but I did keep the text on me phone.
Did you? What did it say? I'll read it to you.
I've still got the text.
I won't say who it was who dumped me.
In the audience, don't like I don't know if they'll keep this in, font colo (LAUGHTER) Er Here's the text.
"Keith, this has to stop.
I love being a team captain on Celebrity Juice and you are the best sex I've ever had.
" Nice.
"I'm worried that our relationship will jeopardise the font color="#ffff PS.
When we make love I love it when you put your fingers in my font color="#fff I don't want to say I don't want to say who dumped me cos I don't kiss and tell.
But, yeah, it's difficult, isn't it, by text? Yeah, it is.
Yours is harder than mine.
But you're back together.
We're back together.
We're happy now.
Are you happy? Yeah.
font color="#ffff00" He is but I think he's in the green room.
Is he? Yeah.
What's he dressed as? A prick.
(LAUGHTER) Coming up after t'break.
Oh, that smells so bad.
PADDY: It's not the first time you've had something veiny in your mouth.
Are you allergic to cat food? You bastard! I hope you're enjoying this Bestest Of The Unseenest clips of Celebrity font col I don't know what you've seen so far of the Unseenest.
Have you put the bit in with John Newman when he was grating a shoe? Cos none of them know what's going in yet because I shouldn't really be doing these links today cos I'm busy filming Keith Lemon Sketch Show series two which is out on telly in February on ITV2.
But I would recommend putting in the John Newman grating the shoe in.
Anyway, they're now nodding their heads saying they have got that bit font color of Unseenest Bestest Bits with John Newman grating a shoe.
(COMPUTER VOICE) (APPLAUSE) What is the next science experiment, Mr Hawkins? Can you grate a wellington boot? And who would you like to do the experiment? 'John Newman.
' John Newman, everyone! (CHEERING) Hiya.
Word.
Hiya.
Welcome to t'lab.
Nice one.
So Mr Hawkins wants you to grate a wellington boot.
Have you ever done that before? No.
Well, here it is.
Now, I suggest using the heel because there's more girth.
If you hold it like that, it's going to get a bit tricky.
You're best getting your fist in there and .
.
grating it with a bit of firm action.
You know what I'm saying, don't you? Yeah.
Have you done this before? I've done this enough times.
Like, at weekends.
Yeah, yeah.
I like to have a baked potato with a bit of welly.
Right.
/ Wow.
You went for the emu, didn't you? You're so tender with it.
Hi, Mum.
Hi.
You're watching ITV2.
We've got John Newman from the world of music grating a wellington boot.
(APPLAUSE) Ready? Apparently, the technique is crucial.
# JOHN NEWMAN: We All Get Lonely See, I'd put the grater on the plate and then go for the heel.
font color="#fff All right, Mum.
Chill out.
Oh, whatever.
John Newman, he's a singer, he can dance and he can grate a welly.
(HOOTER) That's brilliant.
Let's see what Mr Hawkins says.
Mr Hawkins, how was? Was that a successful experiment? Does he get a point for his team? 'That was a success.
A point for his team.
' That was A point for your team! (CHEERING) What's it like, like, four guys on tour, then? Phew! /font You must get, like, enough fanny.
I've never heard someone say that on TV.
You know, fanny Flange? That's not so bad.
Minge.
I knew you were gonna say that! I knew you were gonna do minge! What do you say, then? What's the Australian word for it? I don't know.
What is it? Vulva.
No! Gino likes the science words.
Fur burger.
Fur burger?! You really are a dirty bitch, aren't you? Furry burger.
This is a common question I ask a lot of people.
Has your farts ever said a person's name? Oh, God.
It would be a peculiar talent if somebody could do that, though.
Then I have a peculiar talent, then.
(LAUGHTER) Could you go on Britain's Got Talent or something? I don't think I'd win just because my anus can go, "Philip!" (LAUGHTER) Though The Queen might appreciate that.
Me there, in front of the Queen.
Philip.
Does it say any other names? It's say "don't" a lot and "shoe".
Shoo.
But it's, it's When it's really vexed it goes, "Stuart!" What else does your anus say? Just those words.
Only those? You're not teaching it to say more? I will teach it tonight to say "Rinder!" (APPLAUSE) This is a proper restaurant.
It's Le Sock.
I'm going to give you a dish.
I want you to tell me what the dish is font color= So there it is.
(GROANING) For the audience and you guys at home, this is what this shit is.
(GROANING) I'm very proud of this dish.
(GROANING) (LAUGHTER) It's like It's got like ectoplasm on the bottom.
Is it crying? Condensation.
It's crying cos it so wishes to be in your mouth.
Ugh.
So, suck it and see.
Do you want to hold it? You can hold it.
Why's mine the only one that's discoloured through the full thing? It looks like it's got veins on it.
Veins! Get up to it.
Oh, that smells so bad.
Come on, Chris.
It's not the first time you've had something veiny in your mouth.
You said you wouldn't tell anyone! Are you allergic to cat food? You bastard! That is salmony to me.
Keep going.
Go on! This is horrible.
This is peer pressure.
I feel like I'm doing drugs.
Come on.
(COUGHS) (GROANING) I don't know what it is but I'm like 70% sadder than when I was font color="#0 So what are you saying? I don't know.
It's like There might be fish involved.
There's definitely fish involved.
font color="#ff Er It is like Keyhole, isn't it? They're clapping because you're getting close.
Was that salmon, no? No? Why is it the colour of salmon? Was it? That's the blood coming through, I expect.
/fon I don't know.
I only know salmon and cod.
Let's see.
/font No.
If it's not battered I'm fucked.
It's whole baked trout with ratatouille.
Oh! Well, brilliant.
Good try.
Unlucky.
That sounds nice but not through a fucking sock.
/f You've been in America quite a lot recently.
We have.
/fon What do they think of your accents? They can't understand.
They can't understand Do they think you're from Sri Lanka? font color="#ffffff We have to talk a lot slower so they can understand what we're saying.
Do you still say "toon" when you go to America? No, I say "town".
Yeah.
You still said "toon".
Did I? Yeah.
Town.
You still said "toon".
Toon.
Town.
You said toon again.
font color="#ffff (EXAGGERATES ACCENT) Town.
Town.
(LAUGHTER) It's nice to try something different, isn't it? No.
I don't like trying new things.
It'll broaden your horizons.
font color="#00ff Not in your mouth but up your arse? I'm joking.
Who would put food in their arse? Oh So, there it is, Frankie.
Yum.
(GROANING) For the audience and you guys at home, this is what dish it is.
# CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS That sounds quite nice, doesn't it? Yeah.
(GROANING) It smells quite friendly, actually.
Yeah, it's a friendly sock.
Well, get your tongue Get your mouth on it.
Is it only me finding this erotic? I like it.
I dare you to stand up now.
Oh! I don't like them Yeah? .
.
but I think I know what it is.
Yeah? Cock? (LAUGHTER) Is it After Eights? So what is After Eights? What is it? Chocolate and mint.
I'm going to give you that, yes.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Seeing as though this is the last episode of this series, It's an action replay of that, so get some tissues.
If you're a 16-year-old boy just masturbate until it hurts.
(LAUGHTER) Yorkshire has a lot of nice phrases.
I think we're nice people.
font color="#00fff Not like fucking furry burger.
As we would say, sweet twopence, wouldn't we? Yes.
"That lovely sweet twopence she had.
I'll see her again.
" Foofoo? Got a lovely foofoo.
Oh, foofoo.
That's a nice one.
What do you call it, Holly? Er I bet you've got a right posh name for it.
Jemima.
I don't have a name.
"Are you there, Jemima.
I'm going to Ooh "Jemima, that little man who was in the boat with you, font color="#ffff Sh! Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Prankass.
This is Wet Dream.
(GROANING) What the fuck was that?! It's Prankass! This is Wet Dream.
I just pissed in your face with my font color= Prankass?! Yeah! Prankass! Prankass! He pissed all over me! I pissed in your face! This is awesome! Awesome, dude! Yes! Prankass! (APPLAUSE) Well, that was a great set of clips.
What a lovely montage.
But it doesn't stop there.
We've got more clips coming up.
How's it going? You've got your hand in their phones.
I've not got me bandage on, so I'm hiding me hand.
It looks a bit obtuse on telly without the bandage cos that tattoo font color="# So what are you doing? Just er Nothing, really.
Just doing the Sketch Show series two, which you're being part of.
That's good.
Which is on telly in February.
Erm You're doing links, aren't you? I'm doing links, y Yeah, I'm doing links for The Unseenest Bestest Bits.
You want me to jump in? Er Do a link for you? No, I'm doing all right.
I'm the king of links.
Yeah, I know you are.
I've learned everything from you.
I could jump in and do one.
I don't want to step on your toes or anything but Yeah, do one.
Do this one.
Shall I do this one? Do this one, yeah.
That's fine.
Right, here's another set of amazing unseen clips from Celebrity Juice.
Enjoy.
Enjoy these.
They're amazing.
These are the best I love them.
You're gonna love Very, very funny.
This is the funniest bit coming up.
Some of the best I've seen.
Yes, that's why I put them in.
Time to run VT.
Yep.
Run Off you go.
.
.
with the old font color="# Word to your mum.
Welcome to Kanye Do It? with me, Keith Lemon and little Kanye West.
Word.
How's it going? Good.
Right, man.
First challenge, please.
Chopping frozen pizzas.
All you've got to do is chop these, one hand, 30 seconds.
30 seconds to chop ten pizzas.
Please welcome none other than Tom Cruise.
So how's it going? Kanye, have got any questions you want to ask Tom font color= What kind of films is he gonna make for the future? Action slash adventure.
More action slash adventure films.
You've got 30 seconds to karate chop ten pizzas.
Kanye Do It? Yes.
Back to the studio for you to decide if he Kanye do it.
(APPLAUSE) So, Holly's team.
Kanye Tom Cruise chop ten pizzas in 30 seconds? What's the toppings? (LAUGHTER) I didn't think to ask.
Random ones.
No because if it's anchovies, that could bind it together.
It's one of life's natural plasters.
I can't remember.
(LAUGHTER) I think Kanye.
Er He can? What he doesn't want to smash What if he wants to kick the fuck out of a load of potato waffles? On that argument alone, we're going for Kanye - he Kanye.
He can.
He Kanye.
Fearne's team? We should cross over to our pizza expert here.
He Kantye.
He can't? No? No.
Have you ever tried a chop up a frozen pizza? I don't do fr A pizza I had, the crust is stuffed with what looks like a hot dog font color="# Stuffed sausage in a pizza? No.
That sounds good to me.
It's like you're going on a date.
You put your hand down there and she's already got a vibrator in her minge.
Wow.
(APPLAUSE) Wow.
It's It's too much.
Also, why are you gesturing towards me? Because you're the only female that I've got here to show them.
Yes! If that stall is occupied, you get to go round the back.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! No.
No.
Fearne's team say that he Kan font color Holly's team are saying that he Kanye.
Let's have a look.
Could we have some Mission: Impossible? # Mission Impos There's the Mission: Impossible music.
Right.
Do you want to count him down? Are you ready? Yes.
Three, two, one, go! One! Two.
That fuse is going across, hopefully.
What are we one? What are we on? Five.
Four.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
Ten! You've only had 20 seconds, Tom! High five.
Well done.
You did it.
(APPLAUSE) I'm surprised you didn't say, "Beyonce could do it quicker.
" When the camera's off, he says "Beyonce could do this better," but when the camera's are on, he's like, "I'm not bothered font color="#ffff You're always going on about Beyonce.
Oh, my gosh.
You are.
It's him.
He's going on about Beyonce all the time.
Now you are, so I don't bring it up.
He brings it up.
You just brung it up! Back to the studio.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break.
(LAUGHTER) I need medical attention, man.
Joey needs medical attention.
Ben, would you say that fame has changed you? No.
Do you think that you are better than you were half an hour ago? Yeah.
If I could like take you back in time Uh-huh? .
.
do you think if we put you against Ben Hae-then What, Hae-now versus Hae-then? Yeah.
Yeah, I reckon I am.
You'd take on the challenge against Hae-then? Yeah.
What challenge is it? Well, let's play.
SPORTS ANNOUNCER: Ben Hae-now versus Ben Hae-then.
(CHEERING) First of all, let's have a chat with Hae-then.
Hae-then, how do you feeling about the challenge? I'm feeli You don't stand a chance.
He's a cocky bastard, isn't it? He can be.
He can be.
So what I want you to do is down a pint of lager and eat a packet of font color="# Whoever finishes first will win a point for the team.
OK.
/f Is he allowed to put the crisps in the lager before doing it? font color="#ffff00" What flavour crisps are they? There's your pint, here's your font color="#ffff That's for Hae-now for a point for your team, you've just got to beat font colo You go on the claxon.
On the claxon (HOOTER) font Go on, Ben.
(AUDIENCE) Go! Go! Go! Go! Come on, Hae-now.
Come on, Hae-now.
You can do it.
(CHEERING) Come on! Oh, no! Come on, Ben! I'm rooting for Hae-now.
He's a nicer guy.
Hae-now is a nicer guy.
Go for it.
You're getting there.
You're getting there.
Come on, Hae-now.
You can do it.
(CHEERING) Oh! Yes! (CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Well done.
Piece of piss.
(LAUGHTER) That's a point to Ben Hae-now! (CHEERING) You and Olly on the show are very handsy.
We've always been like that.
We've got some pictures of you.
Hold hands.
Ah! Ah! Ooh! Look at him.
"Best day of me life.
Best day of me life.
" Do you think? He's single, isn't he, Olly? Friends with benefits, I think you are.
No, we're actually We're It's almost like we're We're like married without the benefits.
Well, why don't you get involved in the benefits? We've go It's gone too far now.
What, with the benefits? No, we've Anal sex.
You went to anal sex.
(LAUGHTER) No! (APPLAUSE) Hi, you'd be mistaken if you thought I was Taylor Swift.
I'm busy on the set of me second series - we got a second series - of the Sketch Show, doing a spoof of Taylor Swift's Bad Blood video.
Another video that she did was Shake It off, which reminds me of this next clip which I'm cleverly linking to which is called Get That Carrier Bag Off Me, featuring Joey Essex.
Enjoy.
The clip's not called the enjoy bit, it's called Get That font color="# Enjoy was my sentiment.
Like it.
(TANNOY CHIMES) Hello.
Could we have some dramatic lighting in aisle six, please? (LAUGHTER) There it is! All right.
I never knew one of these things would sound like Holly Willoughby.
font color=" When you hear the claxon, Joey, shake it off! They're too t (HOOTER) (WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER) Done it! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (HOOTER) Oh, look.
Does that count? Oh, mate.
Hello? I need medical attention, man.
Joey needs medical attention.
Have you hurt your legs, Joey? Yeah.
Here.
Make bread shoes.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) There you go.
Loafers! (LAUGHTER) (WHISTLING) Eh, I was bullied on the flipside of that coin.
Oh, you're good looking! Aren't you good looking? No! Look at him - good looking! No! Your chin looks like an arse.
Your chin looks like an arse.
Look at that model.
Ain't he thin? Oh, you're so thin.
They wouldn't paint me face at the fair cos they said it would ruin it.
I get paid to wear clothes and look right good.
I hate my life! Me wife's fit as fuck.
Have you ever eaten something that's just made you throw up instantly? No.
Not really.
I've had some stuff when I was in Japan.
You don't want to be rude to hosts and they hand you something and I had some custard called chawanmushi and they go, "It's made with the male egg of a fish.
" I'm like, "Oh, male egg.
" I'm like, "Dudes don't have Oh!" It was font (GROANING) I'm like, at least give me a pre-nup before I like That's the most sperm without a pre-nup I guess I've ever had.
Have you ever tasted your own sperm? Not intentionally.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Gino's looking at his shoes.
You've gone red.
You've both tasted font color=" You fucking have.
I did once.
Why? Why? Because I - font color="#00f (LAUGHTER) You haven't tried it? I have not! No! I like the feeling, I like the feeling and, you know, when it comes out, yeah, I don't go, "Oh, that looks nice.
Ooh!" I'm not gonna eat it.
No because it went onto the hand and I was like You did n (LAUGHTER) It's not bad.
Gino, what did it taste like? It's slightly salty and Like Chianti.
No, it's salty but what I like is thethe What you like? What you like? No, not what I like.
Tell you what, I was talking about this and he said, "Hasn't everyone tasted their own sperm?" I said, "No.
" He said, "But when I were young and I was being by font color=" it just shot up and went on me face.
" I said, "Yeah, I remember when you're young and it used to go 'Raaaarrrr!'" Now, being in me thirties, it just kind of cries out of the end.
(LAUGHS MANICALLY) Oh, that was a good clip, wasn't it? Well, I don't know if it was because I don't know what I'm linking to font col We're on the set of the Bad Blood video.
It doesn't look like Bad Blood, it's just a green screen but they'll key all the stuff in that they need to key in to make it look like the video.
Anyway, I'm going to look to the monitor on this side and link to the next bit.
It's really funny.
I don't know what it is because they've not told me font co Enjoy it, though.
(LAUGHS) Oh! Get this wig off and these underpants are killing me.
# Countdown Theme You five-second fool! (CHEERING) (# Mastermind Theme) Hello, Ben Haenow.
Welcome to Five Second Fool.
Thank you.
/ What I'm gonna do is ask you some questions.
I want you to give me font color=" You've got five seconds to answer with those three answers.
Do you understand? I understand.
Are you ready for the first one? Yeah.
OK.
Let's go.
Name three things that are orange.
Oranges, an orange dress and an orange towel.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) You also could have said Myself.
.
.
"Meself.
" fo Name three things you look for in man/woman.
Er, personality and er (FAMILY FORTUNES WRONG ANSWER NOISE) Oh! You could have said tits and minge.
Name three things you can eat.
Er, a carrot, a potato and mashed potatoes.
(LAUGHTER) You could have said Jess Wright but I'll give you that.
Name I'm 71.
It's not gonna happen.
font color= Name three things that squirt.
Squirt Erm A squidgy gun.
A squidgy gun? Yeah.
Have you not heard of one of them? (WRONG ANSWER NOISE) Oh.
A water pistol? You've gone five seconds.
But you were questioning my first answer.
Don't listen to me.
Squidgy gun.
I didn't say three things that can squidge.
Name me three things you can shake.
Shake.
Er A rattle.
Erm, a bag.
(LAUGHS) Don't laugh! I'm answering the questions.
A bag? Do you shake a bag? When you get to my age, you'll know what shaking a bag is.
Name three people you fancy.
Holly Willoughby.
Jess.
Mm-hm.
You forgot me! And your missus.
(APPLAUSE) Name three things that turn you on.
Jess, Holly and your missus.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break.
I've done the duck, I've done the vagina, and I tried the apple.
He has no fucking idea what he's talking about.
Do you ever get mistaken for Chris Martin? All the time.
/fo Oh, my God! You do look like Chris Martin.
I had it the other day.
This girl went, "You're Chris.
" I was like, font color She was like, "Yeah, you are.
" I was like, "I'm fucking not.
" But I don't mind.
It's good to have a distraction, you know.
I don't mind that they think I'm Chris or Jenson Button or whoever font color="# cos then I can get out of being me, you know? I can chill.
Don't you ever feel like, if they say you're you can go, "Right, I'll play with Chris Martin's life," and go, "Yeah, I'm Chris Martin and you're a fucking bell-end"? Does anyone else get mistaken for anyone on here? I do.
Bruno.
Toniolioliolio.
Bruno from Strictly Come Dancin And the jockey - Frankie Dettori.
Oh, yes, yes! Yeah! Yeah! Often I get asked how's the horses and everything like that.
I'm like, "What fucking horses?" (LAUGHTER) I don't have horses.
(# Countdown Theme) You five second fool! (APPLAUSE) (# Mastermind Theme) GINO: Oh, very good.
Very good.
Gino Uh-huh? .
.
down camera three font color="#f Which one's camera three? Ah! The one that says three on it.
(LAUGHTER) Name three things that can't fly.
A dog, a cat and definitely a dolphin.
(BELL TINGS) Definitely a dolphin.
Definitely a dolphin.
Maybe a cat and a dog but definitely a dolphin.
Name three things you can shave.
You can shave? Legs, your face and your balls.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Name three things that squirt.
Er, vagina, er, an apple if you squash it and a duck if you squeeze it.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (WRONG ANSWER NOISE) What do you mean, no? I've done the duck, I've done the vagina and I've tried the apple.
(LAUGHTER) He has no fucking idea what he's talking about.
Can you just qualify how a duck squirts.
If you squeeze the belly it goes, "Phut!" How does a vagina squirt? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) (BELL TINGS) (CHEERING) Yes.
Yes! (WHISTLING) There you go.
This is just a generic link.
I don't know what I'm linking to again.
I'm supposed to fill time here so, erm, I'll show you how I dance.
When I dance in a nightclub, I probably just so I don't look like I'm showing off.
Just this sort of thing.
Unless an attractive girl comes in and then I'll put a bit of hip into it, like that.
Got that? That's filled a bit of time.
What else? Er Well, whilst I'm filling time I'll tell you this now.
I'm 32 years of age and I still don't know what a falafel is.
There.
Full enough? OK.
So here's the next colliccollection of, erm, clips.
I nearly said "colliction" cos I've got clit on t'brain.
That's Oh, clitoris.
I can say clitoris cos that's a science word.
You can't say clit.
That's one where women go, "Ugh!", same as when you font Kelly, can I just ask you, the last poo you did, how would you describe it as a movie title? I can't answer that.
I don't do things like that.
You don't poo? Yes, you do.
How would it -? That's disgusting! When you do a poo, do you have a look and go, "Nice work"? font color="#00ffff But when you wipe your bum, though, you look at the paper, don't you? Oh! How do you know it's clean? How do you know you're cle I don't That's what you do, don't you? You just sort of lean over the edge and go, "I've given it three wipes.
font co Horrible.
Have you ever wiped to hard so there's blood on t It happens though, doesn't it? Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) # When I'm without you You're stuck on my mind # Be all you need Till the day that I die # I'll love you Over and over again # (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Whoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoooo! That A bit naughty.
.
.
is a Yeah.
Sorry, Mum.
You've even got Mary Berry in there.
Yeah.
Look, here she is.
She's so cute, that woman! # From the way you smile To the way you look # You capture me Unlike no other # (LAUGHTER) Oh! (APPLAUSE) When you're doing a video like that, how do you not get a bonk on? You know what, it's kind of stage fright cos you do get a bit nervous.
You get a traveller.
A what? Traveller.
A what? You know, like when you're on a bus, travelling,/f and you get twitch but it doesn't go right up, it just goes straight out, font c You can't get off on your stop so you have to miss your stop and stay font color Not right up, Jerry, but it's like a fair out.
You can't have sex with an out or even up because as we know - you know.
Yeah, that But with one of those ones, it just makes life awkward.
Righ You can use it as a game where your friend throws donuts onto it.
But You're so weird.
But you font color="#ffff you must have got like an out.
I mean, how does he answer that? He says, "No, I thought of Fearne Cotton and it just went floppy as a font color Well, that's it.
I hope you've enjoyed Celebrity Juice The Bestest font color="# I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you next year, probably in February, when the Keith Lemon Sketch Show series two airs on ITV2, probably Thursdays, ten o'clock.
That's normally where they put me, which is good for me - I like it.
Anyway, all t'best.
Happy new year, happy Easter, St George's Day, all the days, cos I don't know what day this is on right now.
I'm supposed to be filming me Sketch Show series two.
So you lot, clear off now.
All the crew leave from Celebrity Juice as I commence filming the Keith Lemon Sketch Show series two, February on ITV2.
All t'best.
So what are we gonna do? Stick it up me arse, that salad?