The Simpsons s14e17 Episode Script

The Simpsons Three Gays of the Condo D'oh! Ah! I wonder what Mom came up with for this week's Family Wednesday.
I hope it's as fun as Pictionary was last week.
We weren't playing Pictionary.
That was an intervention to stop your drinking.
What? Are you sure? Aw, ha, ha.
Oh, that takes me back.
- Here it is.
This week's family activity.
- Oh, a jigsaw puzzle.
"Concert in Golden Gate Park.
Ages 8 to 80.
" We know when we're not wanted.
Hmph.
The box says it's a perfect way to spend the day.
And why would a box lie to a person? The first step is the funnest, turning all the pieces face up.
Go crazy, dorks.
I got better things to do.
Hey, Bart, I fixed my rock tumbler.
What do you say we turn this baby loose on some feldspar? - I'm in.
- Oh, I hate this.
It's making me use my arms.
Hey, these two pieces are already connected.
We're halfway there.
Hmm Does anyone have any swan heads? I've got nothing but necks.
Can't help you.
All I got is gray.
- Anybody working on a cement wall? - Turn it over, Homer.
Oh, right, ha, ha.
Chinese guy.
Chinese guy.
Frisbee dog.
Ooh, look how late it is.
Let's get you kids some coffee.
Homer, no scissors.
It's how the pros do it.
Sky, sky, sky with building grass, grass with foot Bart's so poor, he has to eat cardboard.
- What are you eating? - Drywall.
Hey, kids.
Uh, we're worried about your dad.
He ain't been to work for a week.
What's he doing now? Is he a rodeo clown? - Is he Poochie again? - He's working on a jigsaw puzzle.
Oh, I guess he's done with all the fun stuff.
Now let's see.
This is either an old coconut or Tom Hayden.
Gee, Homer, that's super.
Ow! My eye.
I'm not supposed to get jigs in it.
I can't believe our family finished a project this complicated.
It's the only worthwhile thing I ever made that wasn't Lisa.
Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.
Ooh, that's quite a thingamajigsaw, but it looks like you're missing a piece.
- Looks like you're missing a wife.
- Ha, ha, I walked right into that one.
He's right, Dad.
We're missing that singer's head.
This is awful.
It's like listening to Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony.
" Or when I messed up taping City Slickers Il and cut off the end.
Was Curly's gold just a legend? Or like when I got nothing.
Uh, let's just find that piece.
Hey, remember that pet gerbil we used to have? He didn't run away after all.
Puzzle piece, come out and play.
Hey, what's this? "Marge's Memory Chest"? Aw, Marge saved all this stuff from when we were going out.
Fake business card I made to impress her.
T-shirt from our first rock concert.
"Meaux's Tavern grand opening.
" That was back when his floors were sticky with promise.
Welcome to Meaux's.
Home of the finest bar crystal in Springfield.
Shouldn't have cheaped out on the shelf.
I can't believe how young we looked in my memory.
Hey, there's writing on the back of this.
"Dear Homer I can't believe you're making this the worst night of my life"? Huh? You leave me sitting here all alone while you play video games with your Neanderthal friends.
" Marge, come here.
I need both hands for this game.
Can you feed me nachos while I play? Why don't you just stop playing? Tell that to the brave crew of the S.
S.
Triangle.
It's the evil rocks.
Take that.
Homer, I really don't wanna feed you.
Come on.
You're always saying we should do things as a couple.
Oh, this is wonderful.
I love you Atari.
Video games and too much beer.
You sure know how to show a girl a good time.
Well, I aims to please.
Hey, let's stop by that Dumpster and make out, ha, ha.
Hold that thought.
Young man, you've ingested a dangerous amount of alcohol.
The only dangerous amount is none.
Let's go to the IHOP.
I'm driving.
- All right, come on.
Hey! Ow! - Okay, Burger King.
Whatever.
Get his leg.
Tonight, I learned the two of us can't work.
I don't want a life of watching you get drunk then holding back your long, beautiful hair while you vomit.
I have my own dreams.
And I can't live them with you.
Why did she stay with me if she hated me so much? Hey, two days later, she had a doctor's appointment.
"Nausea, cravings, knocked up feeling.
" She was pregnant with Bart.
And that's the reason she stayed with me.
I found the missing puzzle piece.
It was under Maggie's eyelid.
- How about that? - It's James Taylor.
Oh, the popular singer/songwriter/puzzle piece.
James Taylor.
Homie, remember that song we used to sing? - Mockingbird - Yeah.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Homie, what's wrong? Marge, did I ruin your life? Oh, is this about that billboard my sisters put up? No.
The voters will decide that in November.
- I was talking about this.
- Hmm? Oh, my God.
I forgot all about this.
- Where did you find it? - More like where didn't I find it? It was practically everywhere.
Homer, I'm sorry you saw that, but I was very upset that night.
Quit changing the subject.
How do you feel about me right now? Well, I love you, of course.
But a lot of things you do still drive me crazy.
So you mean our whole marriage you've been resenting me behind my back? A little bit, yeah.
Fine.
I'll go sleep with someone who does appreciate me.
Time to repress another memory.
I am at Disneyland.
Disneyland.
You made your own breakfast? Looks like you had a problem with those scrambled eggs.
- It was a muffin.
- I'll fix you something.
Oh, I get it.
Your stupid husband is too "drunk" to do it right.
Well, there are a lot of beer cans around here.
Oh, so you don't like it.
What other secrets have you been hoarding to use? Homer, let it go.
It's not always gonna be perfect.
We've been married for 10 years.
Oh, I didn't realize you've been counting the years.
- Is it that horrible living with me? - This morning isn't a barrel of laughs.
It is to me.
Marge, I can't live like this.
I'm tired of walking around on eggshells.
Maybe if you didn't throw them on the floor.
Now you're just making up rules.
Who made you Judge Judy and executioner? Dad, where are you going? Kids, sometimes when a daddy learns that a mommy always hated him he needs some time away to think.
You're not gonna get divorced like Milhouse's parents, are you? Ha, ha.
Oh, no, no.
This is nothing like Milhouse's parents.
Now, if you need me, I'll be staying with Milhouse's father.
Uh, welcome to my place.
I just have a few rules.
If you see a necktie on the doorknob, I'm with a lady.
- You don't have a doorknob.
- I don't have a tie either.
Just go label your food.
Oh, Luann.
Luann.
My money.
Arlene! Do I dare to go up? Or is the love that waits behind that window just a lie? Uh, Homer, I think you want your house next door? Pfft, stupid Flanders with his misleading silhouette.
Well, I guess I have no choice but to go back home and Hey.
I never noticed that newspaper box.
"Apartment Finder.
We put you in your place.
Roommate wanted for three-bedroom apartment.
Spacious, river view, only $400 a month"? Thank you, news box.
Ah! It's gone.
All right.
I got me a place to put my "spiderses.
" What a well-kept street.
And there sure are a lot of gay bookstores for a straight neighborhood.
It's a cinch these guys never had any kids.
Hey, Mr.
Smithers.
Ha.
Hello, Simpson.
What's the deal with this place? It's so manly, yet scented.
Ha, ha.
Yes, I seem to have gotten lost on my way to the, uh big auto, uh, racing festival.
So I've never been here before.
- Hey, Waylon.
- Who's the bear? Woof! Ooh, is that the Mr.
Burns you're always talking about? No.
He's nobody.
Shut up, Stewart.
Nice to meet you, Stewart.
Homer, before you move in you should know that Julio and I have an active social life.
Me too.
I'm a member of this club where if I eat one more sub, I get a free sub sandwich.
You probably saw the ad where this guy used to be fat but now he's just ugly.
Homer, what Grady is saying is that How can I put this? Look, we might have a cocktails, say, where all the guests are male.
Are you trying to tell me that you guys are those guys that like guys? That's right, Homer.
We're gay.
You are? Hmm.
Which will win out? My old-fashioned prejudices or that I've already mixed my laundry with yours.
I'll have to sleep on it.
He's sleeping in the pantry.
Ah! My spices.
You guys lead a fascinating life.
Why are you reading The New York Times? You don't live in New York.
Oh, I despise the Springfield Shopper.
What is that? The headlines are jokes.
Mm.
Where'd you buy this? From the guy on the exit ramp? Disgusting.
Calm down, Picky Ricardo.
He made us a great breakfast and you're just riding his butt and not in a good way.
Thank you, Homer.
It's a pleasure cooking for you.
Well, get used to it because I'm gonna stay.
Fabulous.
Here's the key to the lotion cabinet.
Grady, are you sure you want to live with him? It's either him or that girl who put "Mother Earth" as a reference.
And with a male roommate, we can walk around naked.
Way ahead of you.
Woo! Don't worry, sweetie.
Your father won't stay mad forever.
It's so weird not having Dad here.
I can't fall asleep if I haven't read him his bedtime story.
Hello? Hold on.
"Nancy Drew let out a low whistle.
'This isn't an old windmill at all.
It's a new windmill.
"" No, Dad.
I'm sure she won't be killed.
In a West End town, a dead end world The East End boys and West End girls West End girls West End girls - That will be $100.
- I see.
Dad took us antiquing.
Yeah.
Along the way, we took photos of interesting doors and gates.
Your father sure can be thoughtful when he wants to be.
Marge, please.
Let's not fight in front of the kids.
Just secretly hate me the way you always have.
I love watching you guys fight.
It's my earliest memory.
- Why, you little! - Aah! Dad, your hands feel so soft.
You noticed.
I've been using Lancôme.
Ugh.
Oh, it shows.
I haven't had a strangle that smooth since I was 4.
Well, I better go.
But before I do, Marge, there's something I wanna ask you.
Yes, Homie? How much do you tip a leg waxer? I need to know by tomorrow.
Just go.
And take your stupid Lhasa Apso with you.
Mom, I know Dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt.
- Why don't you just say you're sorry? - Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing.
But it's also a constant battle for moral superiority.
So I can't apologize.
Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it? I do it all the time.
- I don't think I've ever meant it.
- That's not right.
Sorry, Mom.
See? It's that easy.
Hmm.
So how was your visit home? The kids are cool.
But Marge is still judging me.
- Oh, so it's over between you two? - Maybe it is.
I used to look at Marge and get the same tingle you get when you see Rip Taylor.
I don't know what's gonna happen.
Come on, let's dance.
Hey, hey.
Whoo! Yeah, baby.
You go.
I didn't think it was possible.
But watching him makes me more lesbian.
Lesbian? This isn't my Army reunion.
- You're coming home with me.
- Yes, colonel.
He's gay.
He's gay.
Gay.
Gay.
Bi.
Gay.
Gay for pay.
Gay.
Tennessee Williams? But how did he survive in the world of theater? Homer, please.
Practically everyone who's acted in, produced, or even seen a play is gay.
Uh, Homer, I think you should see this.
Homie, I tried to tell you how I feel but I can't find the right words.
Maybe he can.
"Weird Al" Yankovic? Marge wrote me about what happened.
And as soon as her check cleared, I was on the first flight here.
- You get the parody songs I sent you? - Ugh, yes.
Which one was better? "Living La Pizza Loca" or "Another One Bites the Crust"? - They were pretty much the same.
- Yeah.
Like you and Allan Sherman.
Now, here's a song I wrote for you.
Little ditty about Homer and Marge Her heart was as big As his stomach was large Oh, yeah, they say love goes on Long after the grilled cheese sandwich Is gone It would take a man of stone with a funny bone of steel to resist that.
Homer, would you at least let me take you out on a date? I don't know.
Date a chick with kids? - Dad - All right, all right.
- Nice work, Lisa.
- Thanks, Julio.
I love you as a blond.
You do? Oh, God, Lisa, if I was an 8-year-old straight boy I would be holding your hand right now.
Ooh, wait.
Marge likes a little bit of stubble.
Uh-oh.
Gotta even it out.
Somebody's nervous.
Well, we got the cure for that.
Margaritas.
Margarita? That's Mexican for Marge.
I'll take that as a sign.
Where is he? Where is he? Who dares challenge ye Black Knight? Step forward if ye be free of lower back pain, heart conditions, and pregnancy.
And please turn off thy cell phones and pagers.
I've learned a lot living here.
It doesn't matter what someone's sexual preferences are unless they're a celebrity.
In which case, it's dish, dish, dish.
Homer, weren't you supposed to meet your wife half an hour ago? D'oh! You don't have a gay time machine, do you? Yes.
It's called Grady's shoe closet.
Ha.
Hey, Julio? Ouch.
I gotta go.
Oh.
Oh, lordy.
Now for ye knights' and wenches' delectation I have some royal proclamations.
We welcome Cub Scout Troop Number 102.
We wish a happy birthday to Karen.
Congratulations to Marge and Homer Simpson on their reconciliation dinner.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
The Velvet Mafia made me a margarita I couldn't refuse.
Goodbye, Homer.
I try to save our marriage.
You just get drunk and spend the whole night with your homosexual boyfriends.
Reverend Lovejoy, Mrs.
Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Duffman.
Fact is, certain people aren't right for each other.
You gave it a chance, it didn't work.
At least you tried.
But it was Marge, my first and only love.
I'm like David Spade without Chris Farley, alone and useless.
Oh, Homer, a guy as cool and special as you will have no trouble believe me.
Wow.
Wow.
I never realized you felt about me that way.
We should take some time to talk I'd just end up hurting you! I was just thinking, my problems with Marge started because I drink too much.
And then tonight, alcohol only made things worse.
Maybe all of my problems are actually caused by Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take your medicine, you lush, you.
Hey, what happened here? Uh, he was drinking at Harrigan's bar down the street there.
They ought to close that dump down.
Yeah.
That was a close call.
We took this much out of you.
But it's still not as bad as the first time I treated you.
Oh, yeah.
The night that destroyed my marriage.
Destroyed your marriage? Why, I'd never seen a woman look so devoted.
Let's look at the tape.
You have that on tape? Mm, it was back when I thought the nurse was stealing sponges.
He's stable now.
I'll leave you two alone.
Homie, I was so worried about you.
I was really mad at you tonight.
But you're a good person.
And that's whatl see most of the time.
Whatever problems we have we have a lifetime to work them out together.
So she didn't hate me.
She married me because she loved me.
And I still do.
Marge, I never wanna be apart from you again.
Well, you'll never have to.
That is the best kiss I've had tonight.
Or was it? - Homie, what are you thinking? - Manly thoughts.
All I have left now are my tapes.
She was stealing sponges.
I knew it.
That's a story about Homer and Marge Two folks I helped out For a nominal charge After Homer went gay They patched up their schism But the dude never dealt With his alcoholism Weird Al saying "Oh, yeah, the credits go on Long after the viewer's interest Is gone" Oh, yeah Weird Al had fun on this show Even if it was just a brief cameo Shh.