The Simpsons s14e19 Episode Script

The Simpsons Old Yeller-Belly D'oh! Ah! Glory, glory, hallelujah Teacher hit me with a ruler I cracked her in the bean With a frozen Jimmy Dean And she ain't my teacher no more Because she's dead Mr.
Secretary, can you read the minutes of our last meeting? "Girls are yucky.
Seconded and carried.
A fart was detected.
Martin denied it - and so was ruled to have supplied it.
" - Good.
Security officer, anything on the scope? Mm-hm, Mm-hm, hmm.
These Batpants have been shredded by the Riddler.
No, just your ass.
That's what I call my ass.
Oh! Lisa is having a tea party.
If I understand the female mind, and I do, they're plotting against us.
We've gotta get audio.
Uh, I'm on it.
Janey, more tea? Operation Ladybug is a go, eh! Over.
Today, Balthazar will tell us about global warming in the land beyond the rainbow.
Each year we lose seven species of gumdrops.
Lisa, this is your mother.
The doctor says your butt's too big.
That's not Mom.
Oh, someone is spying on us.
No one told me there'd be pulling.
Skinned elbows? All right! Time to score some pity.
Mommy! Don't worry, son.
I'll build you a new tree house.
One so grand - it'll be an affront to God himself.
- Can it have a rope ladder - you can pull up after you? - Only if it's an affront to God.
- Hey, you passed the lumberyard.
- Only losers buy wood.
We're going to nature's lumberyard.
Isn't this dangerous? Nothing beats flying across the country on a train.
I'm impressed that you drew up blueprints but these are for a go-cart track.
Hmm.
Did Frank Lloyd Wright have to deal with people like you? Actually, Frank Lloyd Wright endured a lot of harsh criticism.
I have no idea who Frank Lloyd Wright is.
You said his name two seconds ago.
I was just putting words together.
- Ha, ha, gotcha.
- Well, two can play at that game.
Ow! Ha, ha.
Oh, that's it.
You are going down.
Ha, ha.
Don't! Stop it! That tree house is never gonna get built at this rate.
Time to call in the pros.
Didst thou hear that, Isaac? Aye.
Someone needs the Amish.
To the Buggymobile! Oh, the Amish are so industrious.
Not like those shiftless Mennonites.
Roll them bones.
Three craps.
Son, that tree house is gonna be bigger and better than ever.
It really restores your faith in helpful weirdoes.
Bumblebee Man, mi tree house is su bee house.
Reverend, love the cassock.
Moleman, looking good.
Very nice.
Did you do the wiring yourself? Heck, no.
The Amish did it.
Who knows more about electricity than the Amish? Watch your step! Don't panic! By going down the ladder, you're agreeing not to sue.
Head burning.
Legs freezing.
Middle very pleasant.
Oh, thank God.
The dog's here.
Pull me free, boy.
Don't be scared.
You can do it.
Hey, where you going? I'm your pal.
I took you for a walk once.
Family head count.
Pointy, pointy, spiky, stylish Aah! Where's baldy? What's the? Wha? Flames? Searing pain? A black cat? I must be in heaven.
Homie, get out of that tree house! Move the net under the window! There's no net! I always thought cats were just for losers who live in apartments until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty.
But as for you, Santa's Little Helper you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! Get out! And stay out! Our little hero sure likes Kahlua and cream.
Quit following me, you coward! You heard him, fleabag.
Get out of my bar.
You're unsanitary.
Oh, how precious.
The cat's sitting in my dinner.
No, no.
Don't get up, sweetheart.
I'll just pick around you.
Here we go.
Mm.
Ha, ha.
Long live the hero cat of Springfield! I make you lasagna.
You eat it up like the cat in the funny papers who's not so funny.
Today I can truly say Ich bin ein feline.
And I hereby rename Springfield Dog Park the Snowball II Municipal Cat Park sponsored by Buzz Cola with Lemon.
Damn, that's a lemony cola.
Mr.
Simpson, how long have you been a cat person? All my life, Kent.
I prefer catsup to ketchup.
And to me, Yusuf Islam will always be Cat Stevens.
Terrific stuff.
You must really love the Broadway musical Cats.
- God, no.
It sucks.
- Seems like you're quite the animal lover.
Do you have any other pets? A dog, perhaps? Kent, let me make this perfectly clear.
I have no dog.
Strong words.
Strong words from a strange man.
Strong words from a strange man.
Don't worry.
We'll get you out of the doghouse.
And then you and Dad will be chasing butterflies together again.
Here's a role model for you, boy.
Rin Tin Tin.
He was brave on and off the screen.
He was the first openly gay dog in Hollywood.
He bit me right in the Axis! See? Now that's the kind of dog you should be.
Mailman.
"Grow a mustache," says the wife.
"You'll look handsome," says the wife.
Hmm, needs beer.
Why, you little! Stop it, Homer.
That's inhumane.
- Use the choke chain.
- Fine.
I want you to sit there, look through the window, and watch me eat a ham.
Marge, prepare the emergency ham.
Oh.
This is the kind of shot you only get once in a lifetime.
Once in a lifetime.
Hmm.
This photo gives me an idea.
We might've found our new Duff spokesperson.
He's young, he's slim, and he can stand on his hind legs.
Unlike our current spokesman.
Oh! Duffman could use an eye-opener.
Take a hike, Duffman.
You're a disgrace to the unitard.
You're firing me? But what about my children? Duffgirl and Dufflad? Oh, those were one-shot characters in a Super Bowl ad.
Oh, yeah.
According to this contract we have to change his name to Suds McDuff.
I don't care if his name is Bony McDork.
Just make the checks out to me.
It also says "we will receive royalties in perpetuity a bottomless keg of beer and unlimited use of the Duff corporate jet.
" Corporate jet? Oh, pilot, let's swing by, oh, Heidelberg.
And drop in on Oktoberfest.
Sweet.
Welcome back to the family, boy.
Dad, five minutes ago you hated him.
Who are you? My biographer? Krusty, our animal today is the toxic pricker snake.
Very good.
Now, let me stand on my mark between the snake and its baby Cut to commercial! Hey, boy.
This is your commercial.
Houston, we have a problem.
This place is dullsville.
How can you get a buzz chewing freeze-dried beer? Wha? It's Suds McDuff.
Where the shuttlecraft is genuine draft.
- Whoo! - Ooh, party.
Duff, the official beer of NASA.
National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol.
Why does a dog have human girlfriends? People do crazy things in ads.
Like eat at Arby's.
Eight, nine, 10 wads of cash.
Your dog has sent Duff Beer sales through the roof.
Boy, you're now second best in the family.
Right ahead of Marge.
There you are, old pal.
Ha, I finally found you.
Who the hell are you? I'm this dog's owner.
I raced him at the greyhound track under the name Santa's Little Helper.
Good times.
Well, he's not yours anymore.
You threw him out on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, don't listen to him, Mr.
Duff VII.
We took this dog in and loved him.
And that makes him ours.
Oh, really? Well, this tape says different.
Kent, let me make this perfectly clear.
I have no dog.
Dad, you can't let him take our dog.
My wads! I never even broke the wrapper.
Who's gonna eat my homework now? Okay, boy, fetch! What do you do for fun? Suds, you're looking great.
Did you have a bath or something? Look, I'm talking to a dog.
So, what do you think? If I keep talking here, Kelly can't jump in.
Come on, Suds.
Toss me a bone.
Poor Santa's Little Helper.
He's overworked.
Suds, I hear you're doing game shows now.
Gelman, roll the clip.
Uh, things you buy in a dime store.
Uh, famous first ladies.
Uh, things your toothbrush might say.
Later that day, you had a book signing.
That guy exploits his pets worse than Bob Guccione.
Well, I'm afraid the law is clear.
And Dad did renounce all claim to ownership.
But I miss him.
He was my best friend.
Aw, there, there, boy.
I'll help you get him back.
He may have been a dirty stinking coward.
- But show me a Simpson that isn't.
- I'm not a coward.
You're not a coward.
And that's beside the point because Look, to get our dog back, we need a plan.
A plan, eh? Okay, we'll use a plan.
This is where Duffman lives now.
- But I'm not sure we should go in there.
- Mom, we need him for our plan.
I'm sorry, we have a six-month residency limit.
Well, old Gil is gonna surprise you.
I'll make something of myself, you'll see.
I Uh Hey.
What do you use for anesthetic? A big mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second th Look, there's Duffman.
Okay, if you have 6 liters of blood and your blood is 80 percent alcohol how much alcohol do you have? Anyone? Hey, Duffman.
Please, I'm not Duffman anymore.
Just plain old Barry Duffman.
Oh, yeah, ha, ha.
But we need you to be Duffman again so we can get our dog back.
But I like it here helping the less fortunate.
It will be a cold day in hell before I shill beer again.
An icy-cold, full-bodied, beech wood-aged, amber-hued day in Oh, who am I kidding? Where is my trademark headgear? You really are Duffman.
Then I must be Jesus.
Up, up and away! Stay cool, hopeless drunks! Oh, yeah! Here's how we'll get our dog back.
Dad will pretend to drown and call Suds to save him.
But he won't because he's too cowardly.
Oh, yeah! Once again, Duffman's mug will be the only one you chugalug.
Give it a rest, Barry.
Sorry, sorry.
Now, to honor America Navy paratroopers will jump from their planes and crown Suds McDuff king of Six-Packistan! All hail his royal Duffness! This stunt cost $50 million.
Help! Help! I'm drowning! Uh-oh.
Who will save that poor fat man? I know who'll save him.
The bravest dog in the world: Suds McDuff.
That dog is a coward.
And I know cowards.
Mother, I served in Nam.
And you've been bitching about it for 30 years.
Everything is going according to plan.
I'll just keep thrashing around like an injured seal.
Now is your chance, Duffman.
You can save my dad and look like a hero.
Don't send a Duff Dog to do a Duffman's job.
Hold on, sir! Soon you'll be filling your lungs with Duff, Duff Light or new Duff Blue.
Tap in to the peppermint pleasure.
Are you there, God? It's me, Duffman! Let me think.
How did that beautiful young naked lady in Jaws make it out alive? Check it out.
That shark's wasted.
He's gone from predator to partier.
The crowd is going crazy for that shark.
Guys wanna be him, girls think they can change him.
Everyone, say hello to our new mascot: Duff McShark.
Duff McShark! Duff McShark! Duff McShark! Well, Suds, it looks like you're no good to me anymore.
You might as well be with a loving family.
I missed you so much, boy.
Good to have you back with the Simpsons.
I'm sorry I was ever mean to you.
Marge, prepare the celebration ham.
All we have left are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham.
Marge, they're just hams, okay? Well, boy, now that we've got you back, I'm never gonna let you go again.
Uh-oh, Dad, I think he peed on the rug.
To me, that says "I love you.
" I think he left a "big hug" in your lunchbox.
- Eh, it's probably that stupid cat.
- That cat saved your life.
What has he done lately? He woke you up when you stopped breathing last night.
Yeah, but he ate the last can of tuna.
Dad, you ate the last can of tuna.
Everyone's against me.
Shh.