8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s15e01 Episode Script
Joe Wilkinson, Kevin Bridges, Jessica Knappett, John Cooper Clark
This programme contains strong language and adult humour APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Kevin Bridges, Joe Wilkinson, Jessica Knappett, Dr John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, 27 is the age Vincent van Gogh began his artistic career, but he had to give up painting just ten years later because, for some reason, his glasses kept falling off.
A whimling is a weak or childish person, more commonly known as Jon Richardson.
And plap is an onomatopoeic term for a light slapping sound.
It's the sort of thing you might hear when your mum's reading 50 Shades Of Grey.
GROANING LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
Jon is an old man in a young man's body.
His personality is actually eligible for the Winter Fuel Allowance.
I like that! I like that because in it, I made some money.
And Jon's team-mate, Joe Wilkinson.
Joe has actually done a bit of modelling work recently.
He's now the face of stranger danger.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Kevin Bridges.
In 2013, Kevin was charged with being intoxicated in a public place and causing criminal damage.
Since when has it been illegal to be Scottish? I was arrested and the charges were dropped.
- It was just a bit of hijinks, wasn't it? - When was that? 2013? - 2013, yeah.
It was a long time ago.
I fell asleep in a pub and I was dragged out, like, forcibly, and I sort of resisted the bouncers and then the police were called, cos I'm a bit of a badass, Jimmy, and I had a night in the cells, but then they recognised me from the TV and it was, like, the VIP cell I got.
And it was really nice.
I would highly recommend prison.
Joe, your experiences in prison? Ah, take it or leave it.
Have you ever done a show in a prison, Jimmy? I've never performed a show in a prison.
Have you done shows in prisons? Yes, I had a guy stand up ten minutes into my set and went back to his cell.
It's probably the most crippling heckle I've ever received.
"This guy's shite, I'm away to finish my life sentence.
" That would cripple even Kanye West's self-esteem, if he just left.
And joining Kevin tonight, it's Jessica Knappett.
Jessica says she once had a job demonstrating how to use a coffee machine in a retail store, which is a very posh way of saying she worked as a waitress in a caff.
- OK, you got married recently.
Has life changed? - Erm Well, I'm sleeping with less strange men.
There is still one that I have to sleep with.
- What does your husband do? - I thought this might come up.
Well, he does a lot of things, but one of the things he does is he is a world champion competitive air guitarist.
If you're in a hurry, just say "long-term unemployed".
I mean, what it is is, he's explained it to me, what it actually started as was a peace movement, so the idea is that when you're holding an air guitar, you can't hold a gun.
But, of course, you absolutely can.
You can hold anything.
It's a lot of nonsense, but I've married the man.
It's happened now.
This is It's too late.
Does it make birthdays and Christmas easy for gifts? Just get him a brand-new guitar? Yes.
My mother did that.
Yeah, no, I mean, he's got loads of them.
When they go on tour, do they have, like, air roadies? Yeah, and they have Yeah, and they have air groupies.
They're called air mattresses.
- You know you're one of them? - I know.
I don't know why I'm laughing about it, but it's really embarrassing.
- Now, Jon, you do a lot of driving.
- Yeah.
What do you think about when you're alone in the car? I do a lot of air steering wheel.
I think about people who have cut me up, people who haven't indicated, people who are driving too fast, people who are driving too slow, people who just get on my tits, but they seem to be not doing anything wrong so I have to follow them.
- Sometimes for days.
I play a lot of games.
- What games? I play a word game where you take the last three letters of the numberplate of the car in front of you and you've got to make the longest word you can where those letters appear in succession.
Oh, God, that's not a game! That's an exam! Well, it's sad that I play it on my own so there's no competition, really.
Sometimes I invent people in my head who've got a longer word.
I get a longer word and I ascribe it to a fictional opponent.
"You could have had 'inexperienced'.
" "Oh, good one, Carl.
" So it's that that I do, really.
I should get a radio.
Joe, have you got any hidden talents? Yeah, I've got loads of talents, yeah.
Erm Oh, yeah.
When I have a bath, I lie on my flat LAUGHTER So I'm kind of Like that in the bath.
I call it the mermaid.
I don't know why.
And the way I get out the bath is, I, sort of, I rock back and forth until I get enough momentum to slide over the top onto the floor.
Kind of like an eel.
And also the other thing I can do is, if I kick a wall for long enough, all my toenails fall off.
LAUGHTER Jessica Knappett, do you have a mascot? Yeah, so it is connected to the fact that I'm preggers.
One of the side-effects of having a baby, I recently discovered, apart from the fact that you have a baby, is that it weakens your pelvic floor.
Sorry, but that is basically a polite way of saying that you piss your pants.
Anyway, I'm pretty busy at the moment and so I haven't really been doing my pelvic floor exercises, so just in case .
.
I'm going to pop a towel down and the good thing is, I can do the pelvic floor exercises now and you won't know the difference between - Oh, no.
- It's the same as my concentration face.
- Yeah, I can tell you're doing them now.
- Am I doing one now, though? LAUGHTER - Oh - Or am I just concentrating on the game? I think you've just done one.
Yeah, I have just done one, yeah.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? Erm, well, regular viewer may remember I recently wrote my first erotic novel, Deep Clean.
LAUGHTER I remember Deep Clean.
Deep Clean was very erotic.
A very sexy book about cleaning.
"He emptied his hot, white load into the basket.
"Boil wash that.
" It went very well, sold quite a few copies.
No film deal, which, I'll be honest, has pissed me off, so I've written Deep Clean 2: Under The Rim.
LAUGHTER This is the one, this is going to go to Hollywood.
We've got Kim and Aggie lined up for the lead roles.
Erm I'll be honest, I've just ripped off the storyline from 50 Shades Of Grey and I've just made it about cleaning.
- Would you like me to read you some? - I'd love, yeah, an extract.
What's happening here is, our wannabe journalist Dmitri Magnesium - Great name! - Yeah.
He's a wannabe journalist and cleaning fanatic and he's managed to get the big interview with the CEO of Cif.
Presbyteria Beige.
You've got to go with a religion then a colour.
- Presbyterian Beige? - Presby Yeah.
Rather than Christian Grey? If a formula works, stick to it, so " 'Hi, I'm here for the interview.
My name is Dmitri.
" 'But you can call me Di-mit.
' " 'Go through, Dmitri, she's expecting you,' "says the receptionist out of his wide-open mouth.
" 'You don't get many Dmitris from Lancashire,' he cackles ".
.
crumbs of egg sandwich falling from his mouth onto the desk.
"Dmitri shivers as he wonders how much bacterial build-up "there must be in the recessed lettering of his keyboard.
" 'I wish I had a tool small enough to penetrate those dark recesses.
' "Advancing on the door, he lowers the sleeve of his cardigan to "avoid touching the handle with his bare skin.
"No sooner is he close enough for his breath to mist up the glass, "it slides wide open and he forces himself deep inside.
" 'A Sani-Glide 3000 with a hermetic air barrier.
Nice.
' "Presbyteria is waiting for him on the other side of the door "and before he knows what's happening, she grabs his "stiff, sweating palm and pumps it up and down, up and down, up "and down.
" 'Does this make you uncomfortable?' she asks.
" 'No,' he lies.
"She howls with laughter "and points to the container of hand sanitizer mounted on the wall.
" 'Cream yourself off and we'll get started.
' " That is quite something.
APPLAUSE OK, Kevin, have you got a mascot? Er, yes.
My mate's got a cafe and he was getting his toilets done up and he gave me this.
I've never seen one of these guys off duty before, but I thought A bit of Blu Tack, stick it anywhere, it's a portable piss pass.
- I think Jessica might - We have the theme, this is the team.
- Can we draw a dress on it? - We can draw whatever you want on it.
- We can just put "ladies" above it and then - Yeah.
It's 2017, don't be so fucking ignorant, this is the ladies'.
Good one, yeah.
- That's a great idea.
OK, Joe, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
Basically, I'll just show you, I've done a bronze cast of my arse.
LAUGHTER Why are you wearing stockings? They caught me off guard! The bronzing people caught you off-guard? But also, it's not just a bronzing of my arse, it's also - this is a lovely little feature - it's actually a pencil sharpener.
There you go.
I've got about 600 of these I'll be selling in the car park, so APPLAUSE And over in Dictionary Corner, it's legendary performance poet Dr John Cooper Clarke.
CHEERING John Cooper Clarke, he's the answer to the question, "What would it look like if Dot Cotton grew her hair out?" John, what's your idea of a great night in? Well, in show business, a night in is a night out.
I like my house, it's full of my stuff, and my wife lives there.
So no special agenda, really.
I'm glad we've had this chat! And with John, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING Susie Dent has written 14 books on the English language and they're a very erudite way of lighting a barbecue.
Susie, you wrote a book about the secret languages used by people in different jobs.
Have you got any you could share with us this evening? Joe helped me with the comic section, didn't you? JOE: I did, yeah.
SUSIE: And, actually, comedians are really clean in their language, at least according to Joe, but a lot of people weren't, so roadies, for example, can be quite filthy.
Sound engineers can be quite filthy.
So for both of them, you have a male plug and a female plug, and the male plug has pins and a female plug has sockets or holes, so they call a socket with two female - You know, things - LAUGHTER .
.
and one male pin and they call that an LB - a lucky bastard, and if there are three females and one male, then it's a VLP - a very lucky bastard.
Filth.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING With her impressive academic qualifications, Rachel Riley could have been literally anything she wanted, apart from a dancer, obviously.
Rachel, your boyfriend is Russian.
Do you ever have any problems understanding each other? No, actually, he speaks English.
He's lived in the UK and America for years, but his friend, a lot of them live in either America or Moscow so they've kind of learned English, but with an American accent, so when I met them, they couldn't understand a word until we were talking about Russian people in the UK and obviously I mentioned Aleksandr Meerkat, and as soon as I started speaking with a meerkat accent, he understood everything.
Can you do the meerkat accent? RUSSIAN ACCENT: Aleksandr Meerkat.
If you speak with Russian accent, they understand everything.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown horse riding kit! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I want more gallop! More gallop.
No.
OK.
The fun thing about this is Fabio doesn't know how to do a little gallop skip.
He's been practising all afternoon.
The prize the teams LAUGHTER Genuinely true.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown horse riding kit! LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon and Joe, you're to pick the letters.
- Can I have a consonant, please? - Thanks, Joe.
P And a vowel, please.
I And a vowel.
No, consonant.
I can't do it if there's two vowels, it won't be a word.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please! Ooooh! AUDIENCE MOANS I'll go for PISSING.
Er Consonant.
- Oh! - Oh! - CHEERING - Yes, yes! - Can you move that along, too? - Like this? - That's it.
And a vowel.
Ooooh Yes! CHEERING Consonant, please! AUDIENCE MOANS PISSING IT, PISSING IT.
Right, let's do it again.
And a vowel.
Consonant, please! - Aww.
- AUDIENCE MOANS What a waste of time.
OK, for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jessica, what have you Oh, what have you got? Erm One, two, three - One, two, three - Come on, quick, cos I'm getting a headache! I've got a five and a shaky seven.
A five and a shaky seven.
OK.
- Kevin, what have you got? - Erm One, two, three LAUGHTER Bear with me, Jimmy.
Five - I've got a six, Jimmy.
- Six.
OK.
Jon, how many? - I'll try an eight.
- Ooh! - Ooh! - Joe, how many? - Six.
- A six.
I might Oh, I'm thinking about getting down now, but You're looking quite red and your arms are shaking.
- This is awful, this poor bloke! - Yeah, I'm going to get down.
Oh, yes! APPLAUSE You know what? I find it a bit too easy.
I don't even have a headache.
I'm amazed I'm not red in the face.
OK, Joe, what was your six? STRIPS STRIPS Oh, STRIPES! Bollocks! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE STRIPES Jessica? - It's not a seven, it's a six.
- What's your word? PISSER - Is that in the dictionary? - Is it? Of course it is.
SUSIE: Yeah, PISSER's in, yeah.
A PISSER is a person who urinates, a loo, a toilet, or an annoying or disappointing event or circumstance.
OK, Kevin, what have you got? GRIPES, Jimmy.
- GRIPES? - Yeah, it's a fruit.
Jon, what was your eight? Well, I wondered, off the back of GRIPES, if you could be a bit gripey, and if you were a bit gripey, whether someone else could be the GRIPIEST person in the room.
Well, Susie Dent is looking it up like a woman possessed.
- ONE PERSON CLAPS - Bit early, love.
LAUGHTER Erm No, GRIPPY is in, GRIPPY or GRIPPIEST, but not GRIPIEST.
Well, six points to both teams.
Dr John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? They could have got, there was another seven there, TIPSIER, - but there was an eight - PIGSTIES.
- PIGSTIES.
OK, so at the end of that, both teams have six points.
APPLAUSE OK, onto our first numbers round.
- Kevin, Jessica, you get the pick of the numbers.
- Take your pick.
- One big, five small.
- That's it.
- Is that? - That's the classic.
- That's the classic.
- That is the classic.
We'll have the classic, please.
You're like a Countdown regular.
One big, five little.
Now, I would just caution, before you get into the numbers round, just because I didn't know this for many years and I host the damn show, you don't have to use all the numbers.
How could you not know that? Well, because I just read what's on the autocue, I don't have to I actually don't get that involved in the show.
- I think that's disgusting.
- It's his pleading ignorance thing, isn't it? He does it a lot.
"Oh, I didn't know the rules.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Another example of not using all the numbers.
LAUGHTER OK, they are 2, 10, 1, 6, 1 and 25.
- JOE: That's a shame.
- JESSICA: Oh, no.
And the target, 177.
All right, your time starts now.
Yes! LAUGHTER Well, the target was 177.
Joe, did you get it? Not quite, no.
LAUGHTER 152.
No, I got 177, yeah.
You got 177.
Jon, I presume you got it? - Yes, I did.
- He didn't even write anything down.
Quality! - OK, Kevin, did you get it? - Yes.
- Perfect.
Jessica, did you get it? Did you actually get that? Was that really easy? JOE: No, no, it wasn't.
JESSICA: I got 61 and then I drew a picture of a cat.
Just as good.
OK, Joe, talk us through.
How did you get it with your addled mind? - Let me talk you through this, Rachel.
- OK.
6 + 1 6 + 1 = 7 7 x 25 7 x 25 = 175 And then pop a 2 on it.
Boom, you're in.
APPLAUSE Ten points to Joe.
Joe Wilkinson, he got that right.
Kevin, did you get it in the same way? - Yes.
- Ten points to Kevin, too.
OK, so both teams have 16 points.
Time to go across now to Dictionary Corner and we've got John Cooper Clarke here.
Is there any chance you could give us a poem? - Without a doubt, Jimmy.
- Excellent.
I arrived here this evening in the best kind of car known to man and that car is, no, not a Lada.
The difference between a Lada and a Jehovah's Witness, you can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
The best kind of car obviously is a hire car for these very reasons.
These are the social advantages inherent in a rented vehicle, as itemised hereunder.
Double park - don't lock the door Push the pedals through the floor Give it loads and then some more It's a hire car, baby Grip the stick - grind the gears Watch that distance disappear Never be yours in a thousand years It's a hire car, baby Hire car, hire car Why would anybody buy a car? Bang it, prang it, say ta-ta It's a hire car, baby Bad behaviour on the street Saved yourself a couple of sheets Collision waver, keep it sweet Hire car, baby - Drive the - BLEEP - anywhere Just like you don't care Put it down to wear and tear It's a hire car, baby Hire car, hire car Why hot-wire a car? Whenever you require a car Hire a car, baby Try not to kill yourself Or injure anybody else Don't forget to fasten your belt Rent it, dent it, bang it, prang it Bump it, dump it, scorch it, torch it Crash and burn it, don't return it Lost deposit, let 'em earn it Who cares, it's on the firm It's a hire car, baby.
Best kind.
APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, everyone! And here is your teaser, the words are MOOB WORK, the clue is - Susie loves these.
That's MOOB WORK - Susie loves these.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were MOOB WORK the clue was - Susie loves these, it was of course, BOOKWORM.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is for just Kevin and Jon.
So, Kevin, your turn to choose the letters.
I'll have a vowel, please, Rachel.
Thanks, Kevin - E.
And a consonant.
- I need to phone home, Jimmy, it's just reminded me.
- LAUGHTER Er, a consonant, please.
P Em, a vowel, please.
O A consonant.
- R - KEVIN: A consonant, please.
L A consonant, again.
S A vowel.
A Consonant, please.
And the last one, V.
OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Aww! JON'S VOICE: Oh, there's a comfy little fellow.
APPLAUSE Jon, how many? LAUGHTER Jon, Jon, sorry, mate.
Jon, how many did you get? LAUGHTER He's in one of his moods.
Jon, don't be a dick, how many? A three.
LAUGHTER A three? - Kevin, how many did you get? - I got a seven, Jimmy.
OK, what three did you get, Jon? It's what I like on my head.
A PAT.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
You're welcome.
KEVIN: Just don't tell him he's on 8 Out of 10 Cats.
LAUGHTER - APPLAUSE - KEVIN: Look, he knows.
Kevin, what's your seven? PORTALS.
That's a hell of a word.
Rachel? I've turned Rachel into a tortoise, and now she can't putt up PORTALS, but it is there.
LAUGHTER All right, I'll change everyone back, shall I? No, I'd rather you didn't, actually if I'm honest! LAUGHTER What I'm going do There you go.
That will do.
Perfect.
I mean, I don't know where we got that dog, but it really feels like it's the essence of you.
LAUGHTER There's like really very little difference between you and the dog.
I get home and my wife's in bed with it.
LAUGHTER She'll be very upset! "I thought you got back hours ago.
" LAUGHTER OK, seven points to Kevin.
APPLAUSE PORTALS.
OK, John Susie, could they have done any better? There was a seven, APOSTLE.
And an eight, OVERLAPS.
OK, so the end of that, Jon and Joe have 16, Kevin and Jessica are in the lead with 23! All right.
Now it's time for Jessica and Joe to go head-to-head Joe, you're to pick the numbers.
Can I have one big 'un and The classic.
The classic? The margarita.
- JOE: Exactly.
- The usual.
Right, they are 8, 3, 3, 4, 5 and 25.
And the target - Oh, go home! - LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 921.
Joe? - 920.
- You got 920? All right, mate.
Less of the sarcasm.
LAUGHTER No, I got 9 919, sorry.
Jessica, did you get it? - 840? - No.
It's no, isn't it? How do you get 919, then? 4 x 25 4 x 25 = 100 - + 3 - 103 Times 9.
Where's your 9? LAUGHTER No.
You beat me in the end.
LAUGHTER I think I might I think I've got this.
You weren't playing in the scheme, but talk us through, what happened? 8 x 5 = 40 Yup.
- -3.
- RACHEL: Yup.
37 x 25 = 925 RACHEL: Yup.
Minus the 4 - Wow! - APPLAUSE Yes! Huge.
- Absolute shame there's no points in it, though.
- I know.
OK, so Jon and Joe have 16 points, Kevin and Jessica have 23 points.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go off once again to Dictionary Corner.
John Cooper Clarke, can we have some more poetry? Yes, you can, Jimmy.
He's a public service, Jimmy La Rue, in the promotion of sexual hygiene.
- LAUGHTER - And this one used to be called, Lydia, Lydia.
But as you may or may not know, that title's already been used by Dean Friedman.
I found out the hard way, upon reading this number for the first time.
The following message came from the side of the stage.
"Johnny, change the title.
" "Why?" "He's in the audience.
" "Who?" "Dean Friedman.
"The Ragamuffin Romeo, here? What the? Huh?!" "Yes.
And he's a very litigious person "who can afford a better lawyer than you can.
"So if you don't want to live out the rest of your life "in utter penury you'll change the title right now.
" So thinking on my feet, I came up with this one, a much more succinct title in my opinion.
It was one of them fortunate accidents.
So now it's called Lydia, Girl with an Itch.
LAUGHTER Lydia, Lydia, get rid of your chlamydia.
Only an idiot would ever consider ya.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And here is your teaser, the words are - I HIT ARSE.
The clue is, but only the furry ones.
That's, I Hit Arse - but only the furry ones.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were I HIT ARSE.
The clue was - but only the furry ones.
It was, of course, HAIRIEST.
OK, before we get on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
In honour of Doctor John Cooper Clarke being here, I've asked all our players to write poems.
John, of course, will be judging.
Five points to the best poet among you.
OK, Kevin, you're up first.
Take it away.
- Yes, my poem is a tribute to the Countdown - Well, fabulous.
.
.
that I penned on the train here.
An Ode To Countdown.
"Countdown is a telly show of letters, words and sums.
"Countdown is a telly show for the unemployed and full-time mums.
"Countdown is a telly show for eating crisps and smoking blow.
"So when that clock begins to tick and the only word you have is DICK, "Remember it's a bit of fun and you can try again on Channel 4+1.
" APPLAUSE - What did you make of that poem? - I thought that was fabulous.
I thought he's got the demographic nailed.
LAUGHTER Jessica, you're up next.
I've taken inspiration from the sonnets of a poet called William Shakespeare LAUGHTER .
.
cos I'm married, got a baby on the way, so what I'm trying to say is I've moved on from my past life and I'm in a really good place now.
It's about my ex.
It's called Hate Sonnets XVIII.
LAUGHTER "Shall I compare thee to a drizzly day? "Thou art more miserable than thrush.
"Thou art a veruca, thou art an ingrown hair.
"Thou art a nosebleed, an ad for Go Compare.
"Thou art a hangover on January 1st.
"Thou art stepping on an upturned plug.
"The stench of urine after asparagus.
"Indoor traces of slug.
"Thou art my last Rollo in a bad way.
"And taxis all long gone.
"Thou wast lying when thou said thou was staying over at Dave's.
"I was actually going down on my friend Kate.
" APPLAUSE A catalogue of cultivated hatreds and a bit in my style, so I kind of feel validated by that poem.
- That was terrific, Jess.
- It was a bit of a homage, to be honest.
Thanks a lot.
Who to? LAUGHTER OK, up next Jon Richardson.
Your poem.
Well, you can't beat that, can you, unless I try and perform as John Cooper Clarke.
Yeah, give it a crack.
I should have tried it out in private to see if it's offensive or not.
Well, I don't think there's any better forum than on television for the first time.
Let's just find out if he's going to punch me in my face.
You should see my impression of a beagle in a cardigan.
LAUGHTER "Musicians and actors, do they get on? "I've heard they go shopping to keep the bond strong.
"A western singer in Spa with a western film star.
"I wondered did Twain and Wayne avoid the rain on the train? "But the best sight of all, and I think you'll agree, "Is Elton shoe-shopping with his best friend Bradley.
"Who are they? Where are they? Three words only.
"John.
Cooper.
Clarks.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, that was fabulous.
Always nice to get a name check.
- That's got a lot going for it, that, Jon.
- Thanks, John.
And last, but least, Joe.
My poem's called Thanks, Mate, Now I've Shat Myself.
LAUGHTER I think we've got a winner there, haven't we? "If I'm running towards the lav shouting, "It's coming out, it's coming out! "Don't stop me and ask me where I got my nest of tables.
"Thanks, mate, now I've shat myself.
"And don't dare me to eat 50 Cadbury's Creme Eggs "Then let me have a go on your trampoline.
"What did you think was going to happen? "Thanks, mate, now I've shat myself.
"And don't tickle me when I'm chatting to the bus driver "About how much I shit myself.
"Thanks, mate "Oh, hang on, I don't think I followed through that time.
"Oh, no, I have.
Thanks, mate, I shat myself.
" APPLAUSE What do you think? Well, never has a lack of intestinal fortitude been better expressed.
- Well done, Joe.
- Thanks, John.
I mean, there's five points on the line here.
- Who's going to get them? - I've got to go for the name check.
Jon.
Five points to Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
A consonant, please.
R And a consonant, please.
D And a vowel, please.
O And a consonant, please.
N And a vowel, please.
E I should have made an R-DON joke there, shouldn't I? I'm sorry.
Take the E down, we've had an idea for a joke.
Jon? What have you got? That's the first R-DON I've had for a while! LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Jon Richardson, everyone.
APPLAUSE And I'd like an E, please.
E And I'd like a consonant, please.
Q And let's try for a U.
Let's have another vowel.
I And a consonant, please.
P Vowel.
- And a U.
- OK, your time starts now.
OK, Jon, how many letters? - I've got a nine.
- A nine, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hold it because it's probably bullshit.
LAUGHTER Joe, how many have you got? - A risky six.
- A risky six.
Kevin.
Er, six.
- Jessica? - Well, I've got three fives.
I know that's not the rules, but OK, well, give us your five.
What's your best five? EQUIP OK, Kevin, your six? - PRUNED.
- PRUNED.
- If you're in the bath too long.
LAUGHTER - Joe, what's your six? - PRUNED.
- KEVIN: Nice one, Joe.
- Cheers.
OK, I'm pretty excited.
We don't often get a nine on this version of Countdown.
This is huge.
It's increasingly obvious that we all need to switch to a vegetarian diet if we're going to save the planet and animal welfare, so my nine is QUORNPIED.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So close, but QUORN has a capital letter.
- Ah! - Yeah, trademark.
I've got quite a good idea for a vegetarian option.
Quorn-on-the-cob.
LAUGHTER OK, six points to both teams! APPLAUSE Susie Dent, John Cooper Clarke, could they have done any better? Yes, POUNDER, UNROPED.
OK, the scores at the moment, Jon and Joe have 27.
Kevin and Jessica have 29 points.
It's neck and neck.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are NOB BURST.
The clue is - that'll be hard to shift.
That's NOB BURST, that'll be hard to shift.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were NOB BURST, the clue was - that will be hard to shift - it was, of course, STUBBORN.
Sorry, Jon just asked me if that was actually my arse.
LAUGHTER How did you think that was? - But to be fair - How did you? I mean, you've seen Joe, you thought He said to me, "It's really good how they do these things, isn't it?" So I thought, "Fuck! They've actually made it out of his arse.
" How could you think, even for a moment? - It's not beyond the realms, is it? - How is that not beyond the realms? I mean, I don't think he actually has a pencil sharpener up there.
Do you still think it's me? - I think you've got a great arse.
- I have got quite a nice bum.
- You've got some junk in the trunk, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Show the people.
- Do you want to see my bot-bot? - CHEERING Joe, we'd like to see your bot-bot.
I don't know if you can twerk, but we'd like to see some WHISTLES AND CHEERING You were having a good old look, weren't you, boy? Bend into it a bit, man.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, now it's time for our final letters game.
Kevin and Jessica, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant please, Rachel.
G A vowel, please, Rachel.
O A consonant.
N A vowel, please.
I - Goni! - LAUGHTER A consonant please, Rachel.
M Consonant, please.
P A vowel, please.
A A vowel, please.
O And a consonant.
And the last one, T.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER THUNDER RUMBLES LAUGHTER WOLF HOWLS LAUGHTER THUNDER CRACKS WOLF HOWLS I'm going to be honest with you, the effects budget's not huge on this show.
Joe, how many? Six.
Jon, how many? Seven.
- Kevin? - Uh - Six.
- Six.
Jessica? Five.
Let's hear your five.
MANGO Kevin, you're six.
TAPING Like when you tape something.
LAUGHTER Joe, your six? MOPING - Like when you mope something.
- LAUGHTER Jon, your seven.
MOOTING - Like when you moot something.
- LAUGHTER - Seven points to Jon.
- SUSIE: Very good.
APPLAUSE THUNDER RUMBLES LAUGHTER John, Susie, could they have done any better? It was all sevens over here as well.
MAINTOP TAMPING - To tamp - Tamping? To ram into something firmly.
LAUGHTER Sorry, what was that? It's to pack a hole LAUGHTER Susie, if you'd just be a little bit more professional.
- What does it mean? - It's to pack a hole full of clay.
- To concentrate the force - SUSIE LAUGHS LAUGHTER The concentrate the force of the explosion This is a bast hole, I think.
Or to ram or pack a substance into something firmly.
LAUGHTER Anyway, seven.
OK, so the scores are Kevin and Jessica have 29, Jon and Joe have 34.
It's all to play for.
10 points if you get the Conundrum right.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER I know it's wrong, but I'm going to have a stab at PARSNIPS.
LAUGHTER Are these anagrams? LAUGHTER OK.
So no-one got it, let's have a look.
PROVINCES So, the final scores are Kevin and Jessica have 29 points, but tonight's winners with 34, Jon and Joe! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown horse riding kit.
Thanks to all our panellists our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, 27 is the age Vincent van Gogh began his artistic career, but he had to give up painting just ten years later because, for some reason, his glasses kept falling off.
A whimling is a weak or childish person, more commonly known as Jon Richardson.
And plap is an onomatopoeic term for a light slapping sound.
It's the sort of thing you might hear when your mum's reading 50 Shades Of Grey.
GROANING LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
Jon is an old man in a young man's body.
His personality is actually eligible for the Winter Fuel Allowance.
I like that! I like that because in it, I made some money.
And Jon's team-mate, Joe Wilkinson.
Joe has actually done a bit of modelling work recently.
He's now the face of stranger danger.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Kevin Bridges.
In 2013, Kevin was charged with being intoxicated in a public place and causing criminal damage.
Since when has it been illegal to be Scottish? I was arrested and the charges were dropped.
- It was just a bit of hijinks, wasn't it? - When was that? 2013? - 2013, yeah.
It was a long time ago.
I fell asleep in a pub and I was dragged out, like, forcibly, and I sort of resisted the bouncers and then the police were called, cos I'm a bit of a badass, Jimmy, and I had a night in the cells, but then they recognised me from the TV and it was, like, the VIP cell I got.
And it was really nice.
I would highly recommend prison.
Joe, your experiences in prison? Ah, take it or leave it.
Have you ever done a show in a prison, Jimmy? I've never performed a show in a prison.
Have you done shows in prisons? Yes, I had a guy stand up ten minutes into my set and went back to his cell.
It's probably the most crippling heckle I've ever received.
"This guy's shite, I'm away to finish my life sentence.
" That would cripple even Kanye West's self-esteem, if he just left.
And joining Kevin tonight, it's Jessica Knappett.
Jessica says she once had a job demonstrating how to use a coffee machine in a retail store, which is a very posh way of saying she worked as a waitress in a caff.
- OK, you got married recently.
Has life changed? - Erm Well, I'm sleeping with less strange men.
There is still one that I have to sleep with.
- What does your husband do? - I thought this might come up.
Well, he does a lot of things, but one of the things he does is he is a world champion competitive air guitarist.
If you're in a hurry, just say "long-term unemployed".
I mean, what it is is, he's explained it to me, what it actually started as was a peace movement, so the idea is that when you're holding an air guitar, you can't hold a gun.
But, of course, you absolutely can.
You can hold anything.
It's a lot of nonsense, but I've married the man.
It's happened now.
This is It's too late.
Does it make birthdays and Christmas easy for gifts? Just get him a brand-new guitar? Yes.
My mother did that.
Yeah, no, I mean, he's got loads of them.
When they go on tour, do they have, like, air roadies? Yeah, and they have Yeah, and they have air groupies.
They're called air mattresses.
- You know you're one of them? - I know.
I don't know why I'm laughing about it, but it's really embarrassing.
- Now, Jon, you do a lot of driving.
- Yeah.
What do you think about when you're alone in the car? I do a lot of air steering wheel.
I think about people who have cut me up, people who haven't indicated, people who are driving too fast, people who are driving too slow, people who just get on my tits, but they seem to be not doing anything wrong so I have to follow them.
- Sometimes for days.
I play a lot of games.
- What games? I play a word game where you take the last three letters of the numberplate of the car in front of you and you've got to make the longest word you can where those letters appear in succession.
Oh, God, that's not a game! That's an exam! Well, it's sad that I play it on my own so there's no competition, really.
Sometimes I invent people in my head who've got a longer word.
I get a longer word and I ascribe it to a fictional opponent.
"You could have had 'inexperienced'.
" "Oh, good one, Carl.
" So it's that that I do, really.
I should get a radio.
Joe, have you got any hidden talents? Yeah, I've got loads of talents, yeah.
Erm Oh, yeah.
When I have a bath, I lie on my flat LAUGHTER So I'm kind of Like that in the bath.
I call it the mermaid.
I don't know why.
And the way I get out the bath is, I, sort of, I rock back and forth until I get enough momentum to slide over the top onto the floor.
Kind of like an eel.
And also the other thing I can do is, if I kick a wall for long enough, all my toenails fall off.
LAUGHTER Jessica Knappett, do you have a mascot? Yeah, so it is connected to the fact that I'm preggers.
One of the side-effects of having a baby, I recently discovered, apart from the fact that you have a baby, is that it weakens your pelvic floor.
Sorry, but that is basically a polite way of saying that you piss your pants.
Anyway, I'm pretty busy at the moment and so I haven't really been doing my pelvic floor exercises, so just in case .
.
I'm going to pop a towel down and the good thing is, I can do the pelvic floor exercises now and you won't know the difference between - Oh, no.
- It's the same as my concentration face.
- Yeah, I can tell you're doing them now.
- Am I doing one now, though? LAUGHTER - Oh - Or am I just concentrating on the game? I think you've just done one.
Yeah, I have just done one, yeah.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? Erm, well, regular viewer may remember I recently wrote my first erotic novel, Deep Clean.
LAUGHTER I remember Deep Clean.
Deep Clean was very erotic.
A very sexy book about cleaning.
"He emptied his hot, white load into the basket.
"Boil wash that.
" It went very well, sold quite a few copies.
No film deal, which, I'll be honest, has pissed me off, so I've written Deep Clean 2: Under The Rim.
LAUGHTER This is the one, this is going to go to Hollywood.
We've got Kim and Aggie lined up for the lead roles.
Erm I'll be honest, I've just ripped off the storyline from 50 Shades Of Grey and I've just made it about cleaning.
- Would you like me to read you some? - I'd love, yeah, an extract.
What's happening here is, our wannabe journalist Dmitri Magnesium - Great name! - Yeah.
He's a wannabe journalist and cleaning fanatic and he's managed to get the big interview with the CEO of Cif.
Presbyteria Beige.
You've got to go with a religion then a colour.
- Presbyterian Beige? - Presby Yeah.
Rather than Christian Grey? If a formula works, stick to it, so " 'Hi, I'm here for the interview.
My name is Dmitri.
" 'But you can call me Di-mit.
' " 'Go through, Dmitri, she's expecting you,' "says the receptionist out of his wide-open mouth.
" 'You don't get many Dmitris from Lancashire,' he cackles ".
.
crumbs of egg sandwich falling from his mouth onto the desk.
"Dmitri shivers as he wonders how much bacterial build-up "there must be in the recessed lettering of his keyboard.
" 'I wish I had a tool small enough to penetrate those dark recesses.
' "Advancing on the door, he lowers the sleeve of his cardigan to "avoid touching the handle with his bare skin.
"No sooner is he close enough for his breath to mist up the glass, "it slides wide open and he forces himself deep inside.
" 'A Sani-Glide 3000 with a hermetic air barrier.
Nice.
' "Presbyteria is waiting for him on the other side of the door "and before he knows what's happening, she grabs his "stiff, sweating palm and pumps it up and down, up and down, up "and down.
" 'Does this make you uncomfortable?' she asks.
" 'No,' he lies.
"She howls with laughter "and points to the container of hand sanitizer mounted on the wall.
" 'Cream yourself off and we'll get started.
' " That is quite something.
APPLAUSE OK, Kevin, have you got a mascot? Er, yes.
My mate's got a cafe and he was getting his toilets done up and he gave me this.
I've never seen one of these guys off duty before, but I thought A bit of Blu Tack, stick it anywhere, it's a portable piss pass.
- I think Jessica might - We have the theme, this is the team.
- Can we draw a dress on it? - We can draw whatever you want on it.
- We can just put "ladies" above it and then - Yeah.
It's 2017, don't be so fucking ignorant, this is the ladies'.
Good one, yeah.
- That's a great idea.
OK, Joe, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
Basically, I'll just show you, I've done a bronze cast of my arse.
LAUGHTER Why are you wearing stockings? They caught me off guard! The bronzing people caught you off-guard? But also, it's not just a bronzing of my arse, it's also - this is a lovely little feature - it's actually a pencil sharpener.
There you go.
I've got about 600 of these I'll be selling in the car park, so APPLAUSE And over in Dictionary Corner, it's legendary performance poet Dr John Cooper Clarke.
CHEERING John Cooper Clarke, he's the answer to the question, "What would it look like if Dot Cotton grew her hair out?" John, what's your idea of a great night in? Well, in show business, a night in is a night out.
I like my house, it's full of my stuff, and my wife lives there.
So no special agenda, really.
I'm glad we've had this chat! And with John, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING Susie Dent has written 14 books on the English language and they're a very erudite way of lighting a barbecue.
Susie, you wrote a book about the secret languages used by people in different jobs.
Have you got any you could share with us this evening? Joe helped me with the comic section, didn't you? JOE: I did, yeah.
SUSIE: And, actually, comedians are really clean in their language, at least according to Joe, but a lot of people weren't, so roadies, for example, can be quite filthy.
Sound engineers can be quite filthy.
So for both of them, you have a male plug and a female plug, and the male plug has pins and a female plug has sockets or holes, so they call a socket with two female - You know, things - LAUGHTER .
.
and one male pin and they call that an LB - a lucky bastard, and if there are three females and one male, then it's a VLP - a very lucky bastard.
Filth.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING With her impressive academic qualifications, Rachel Riley could have been literally anything she wanted, apart from a dancer, obviously.
Rachel, your boyfriend is Russian.
Do you ever have any problems understanding each other? No, actually, he speaks English.
He's lived in the UK and America for years, but his friend, a lot of them live in either America or Moscow so they've kind of learned English, but with an American accent, so when I met them, they couldn't understand a word until we were talking about Russian people in the UK and obviously I mentioned Aleksandr Meerkat, and as soon as I started speaking with a meerkat accent, he understood everything.
Can you do the meerkat accent? RUSSIAN ACCENT: Aleksandr Meerkat.
If you speak with Russian accent, they understand everything.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown horse riding kit! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I want more gallop! More gallop.
No.
OK.
The fun thing about this is Fabio doesn't know how to do a little gallop skip.
He's been practising all afternoon.
The prize the teams LAUGHTER Genuinely true.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown horse riding kit! LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for our first game.
Jon and Joe, you're to pick the letters.
- Can I have a consonant, please? - Thanks, Joe.
P And a vowel, please.
I And a vowel.
No, consonant.
I can't do it if there's two vowels, it won't be a word.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please! Ooooh! AUDIENCE MOANS I'll go for PISSING.
Er Consonant.
- Oh! - Oh! - CHEERING - Yes, yes! - Can you move that along, too? - Like this? - That's it.
And a vowel.
Ooooh Yes! CHEERING Consonant, please! AUDIENCE MOANS PISSING IT, PISSING IT.
Right, let's do it again.
And a vowel.
Consonant, please! - Aww.
- AUDIENCE MOANS What a waste of time.
OK, for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jessica, what have you Oh, what have you got? Erm One, two, three - One, two, three - Come on, quick, cos I'm getting a headache! I've got a five and a shaky seven.
A five and a shaky seven.
OK.
- Kevin, what have you got? - Erm One, two, three LAUGHTER Bear with me, Jimmy.
Five - I've got a six, Jimmy.
- Six.
OK.
Jon, how many? - I'll try an eight.
- Ooh! - Ooh! - Joe, how many? - Six.
- A six.
I might Oh, I'm thinking about getting down now, but You're looking quite red and your arms are shaking.
- This is awful, this poor bloke! - Yeah, I'm going to get down.
Oh, yes! APPLAUSE You know what? I find it a bit too easy.
I don't even have a headache.
I'm amazed I'm not red in the face.
OK, Joe, what was your six? STRIPS STRIPS Oh, STRIPES! Bollocks! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE STRIPES Jessica? - It's not a seven, it's a six.
- What's your word? PISSER - Is that in the dictionary? - Is it? Of course it is.
SUSIE: Yeah, PISSER's in, yeah.
A PISSER is a person who urinates, a loo, a toilet, or an annoying or disappointing event or circumstance.
OK, Kevin, what have you got? GRIPES, Jimmy.
- GRIPES? - Yeah, it's a fruit.
Jon, what was your eight? Well, I wondered, off the back of GRIPES, if you could be a bit gripey, and if you were a bit gripey, whether someone else could be the GRIPIEST person in the room.
Well, Susie Dent is looking it up like a woman possessed.
- ONE PERSON CLAPS - Bit early, love.
LAUGHTER Erm No, GRIPPY is in, GRIPPY or GRIPPIEST, but not GRIPIEST.
Well, six points to both teams.
Dr John Cooper Clarke, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? They could have got, there was another seven there, TIPSIER, - but there was an eight - PIGSTIES.
- PIGSTIES.
OK, so at the end of that, both teams have six points.
APPLAUSE OK, onto our first numbers round.
- Kevin, Jessica, you get the pick of the numbers.
- Take your pick.
- One big, five small.
- That's it.
- Is that? - That's the classic.
- That's the classic.
- That is the classic.
We'll have the classic, please.
You're like a Countdown regular.
One big, five little.
Now, I would just caution, before you get into the numbers round, just because I didn't know this for many years and I host the damn show, you don't have to use all the numbers.
How could you not know that? Well, because I just read what's on the autocue, I don't have to I actually don't get that involved in the show.
- I think that's disgusting.
- It's his pleading ignorance thing, isn't it? He does it a lot.
"Oh, I didn't know the rules.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Another example of not using all the numbers.
LAUGHTER OK, they are 2, 10, 1, 6, 1 and 25.
- JOE: That's a shame.
- JESSICA: Oh, no.
And the target, 177.
All right, your time starts now.
Yes! LAUGHTER Well, the target was 177.
Joe, did you get it? Not quite, no.
LAUGHTER 152.
No, I got 177, yeah.
You got 177.
Jon, I presume you got it? - Yes, I did.
- He didn't even write anything down.
Quality! - OK, Kevin, did you get it? - Yes.
- Perfect.
Jessica, did you get it? Did you actually get that? Was that really easy? JOE: No, no, it wasn't.
JESSICA: I got 61 and then I drew a picture of a cat.
Just as good.
OK, Joe, talk us through.
How did you get it with your addled mind? - Let me talk you through this, Rachel.
- OK.
6 + 1 6 + 1 = 7 7 x 25 7 x 25 = 175 And then pop a 2 on it.
Boom, you're in.
APPLAUSE Ten points to Joe.
Joe Wilkinson, he got that right.
Kevin, did you get it in the same way? - Yes.
- Ten points to Kevin, too.
OK, so both teams have 16 points.
Time to go across now to Dictionary Corner and we've got John Cooper Clarke here.
Is there any chance you could give us a poem? - Without a doubt, Jimmy.
- Excellent.
I arrived here this evening in the best kind of car known to man and that car is, no, not a Lada.
The difference between a Lada and a Jehovah's Witness, you can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
The best kind of car obviously is a hire car for these very reasons.
These are the social advantages inherent in a rented vehicle, as itemised hereunder.
Double park - don't lock the door Push the pedals through the floor Give it loads and then some more It's a hire car, baby Grip the stick - grind the gears Watch that distance disappear Never be yours in a thousand years It's a hire car, baby Hire car, hire car Why would anybody buy a car? Bang it, prang it, say ta-ta It's a hire car, baby Bad behaviour on the street Saved yourself a couple of sheets Collision waver, keep it sweet Hire car, baby - Drive the - BLEEP - anywhere Just like you don't care Put it down to wear and tear It's a hire car, baby Hire car, hire car Why hot-wire a car? Whenever you require a car Hire a car, baby Try not to kill yourself Or injure anybody else Don't forget to fasten your belt Rent it, dent it, bang it, prang it Bump it, dump it, scorch it, torch it Crash and burn it, don't return it Lost deposit, let 'em earn it Who cares, it's on the firm It's a hire car, baby.
Best kind.
APPLAUSE John Cooper Clarke, everyone! And here is your teaser, the words are MOOB WORK, the clue is - Susie loves these.
That's MOOB WORK - Susie loves these.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were MOOB WORK the clue was - Susie loves these, it was of course, BOOKWORM.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is for just Kevin and Jon.
So, Kevin, your turn to choose the letters.
I'll have a vowel, please, Rachel.
Thanks, Kevin - E.
And a consonant.
- I need to phone home, Jimmy, it's just reminded me.
- LAUGHTER Er, a consonant, please.
P Em, a vowel, please.
O A consonant.
- R - KEVIN: A consonant, please.
L A consonant, again.
S A vowel.
A Consonant, please.
And the last one, V.
OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Aww! JON'S VOICE: Oh, there's a comfy little fellow.
APPLAUSE Jon, how many? LAUGHTER Jon, Jon, sorry, mate.
Jon, how many did you get? LAUGHTER He's in one of his moods.
Jon, don't be a dick, how many? A three.
LAUGHTER A three? - Kevin, how many did you get? - I got a seven, Jimmy.
OK, what three did you get, Jon? It's what I like on my head.
A PAT.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
You're welcome.
KEVIN: Just don't tell him he's on 8 Out of 10 Cats.
LAUGHTER - APPLAUSE - KEVIN: Look, he knows.
Kevin, what's your seven? PORTALS.
That's a hell of a word.
Rachel? I've turned Rachel into a tortoise, and now she can't putt up PORTALS, but it is there.
LAUGHTER All right, I'll change everyone back, shall I? No, I'd rather you didn't, actually if I'm honest! LAUGHTER What I'm going do There you go.
That will do.
Perfect.
I mean, I don't know where we got that dog, but it really feels like it's the essence of you.
LAUGHTER There's like really very little difference between you and the dog.
I get home and my wife's in bed with it.
LAUGHTER She'll be very upset! "I thought you got back hours ago.
" LAUGHTER OK, seven points to Kevin.
APPLAUSE PORTALS.
OK, John Susie, could they have done any better? There was a seven, APOSTLE.
And an eight, OVERLAPS.
OK, so the end of that, Jon and Joe have 16, Kevin and Jessica are in the lead with 23! All right.
Now it's time for Jessica and Joe to go head-to-head Joe, you're to pick the numbers.
Can I have one big 'un and The classic.
The classic? The margarita.
- JOE: Exactly.
- The usual.
Right, they are 8, 3, 3, 4, 5 and 25.
And the target - Oh, go home! - LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 921.
Joe? - 920.
- You got 920? All right, mate.
Less of the sarcasm.
LAUGHTER No, I got 9 919, sorry.
Jessica, did you get it? - 840? - No.
It's no, isn't it? How do you get 919, then? 4 x 25 4 x 25 = 100 - + 3 - 103 Times 9.
Where's your 9? LAUGHTER No.
You beat me in the end.
LAUGHTER I think I might I think I've got this.
You weren't playing in the scheme, but talk us through, what happened? 8 x 5 = 40 Yup.
- -3.
- RACHEL: Yup.
37 x 25 = 925 RACHEL: Yup.
Minus the 4 - Wow! - APPLAUSE Yes! Huge.
- Absolute shame there's no points in it, though.
- I know.
OK, so Jon and Joe have 16 points, Kevin and Jessica have 23 points.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go off once again to Dictionary Corner.
John Cooper Clarke, can we have some more poetry? Yes, you can, Jimmy.
He's a public service, Jimmy La Rue, in the promotion of sexual hygiene.
- LAUGHTER - And this one used to be called, Lydia, Lydia.
But as you may or may not know, that title's already been used by Dean Friedman.
I found out the hard way, upon reading this number for the first time.
The following message came from the side of the stage.
"Johnny, change the title.
" "Why?" "He's in the audience.
" "Who?" "Dean Friedman.
"The Ragamuffin Romeo, here? What the? Huh?!" "Yes.
And he's a very litigious person "who can afford a better lawyer than you can.
"So if you don't want to live out the rest of your life "in utter penury you'll change the title right now.
" So thinking on my feet, I came up with this one, a much more succinct title in my opinion.
It was one of them fortunate accidents.
So now it's called Lydia, Girl with an Itch.
LAUGHTER Lydia, Lydia, get rid of your chlamydia.
Only an idiot would ever consider ya.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And here is your teaser, the words are - I HIT ARSE.
The clue is, but only the furry ones.
That's, I Hit Arse - but only the furry ones.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were I HIT ARSE.
The clue was - but only the furry ones.
It was, of course, HAIRIEST.
OK, before we get on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
In honour of Doctor John Cooper Clarke being here, I've asked all our players to write poems.
John, of course, will be judging.
Five points to the best poet among you.
OK, Kevin, you're up first.
Take it away.
- Yes, my poem is a tribute to the Countdown - Well, fabulous.
.
.
that I penned on the train here.
An Ode To Countdown.
"Countdown is a telly show of letters, words and sums.
"Countdown is a telly show for the unemployed and full-time mums.
"Countdown is a telly show for eating crisps and smoking blow.
"So when that clock begins to tick and the only word you have is DICK, "Remember it's a bit of fun and you can try again on Channel 4+1.
" APPLAUSE - What did you make of that poem? - I thought that was fabulous.
I thought he's got the demographic nailed.
LAUGHTER Jessica, you're up next.
I've taken inspiration from the sonnets of a poet called William Shakespeare LAUGHTER .
.
cos I'm married, got a baby on the way, so what I'm trying to say is I've moved on from my past life and I'm in a really good place now.
It's about my ex.
It's called Hate Sonnets XVIII.
LAUGHTER "Shall I compare thee to a drizzly day? "Thou art more miserable than thrush.
"Thou art a veruca, thou art an ingrown hair.
"Thou art a nosebleed, an ad for Go Compare.
"Thou art a hangover on January 1st.
"Thou art stepping on an upturned plug.
"The stench of urine after asparagus.
"Indoor traces of slug.
"Thou art my last Rollo in a bad way.
"And taxis all long gone.
"Thou wast lying when thou said thou was staying over at Dave's.
"I was actually going down on my friend Kate.
" APPLAUSE A catalogue of cultivated hatreds and a bit in my style, so I kind of feel validated by that poem.
- That was terrific, Jess.
- It was a bit of a homage, to be honest.
Thanks a lot.
Who to? LAUGHTER OK, up next Jon Richardson.
Your poem.
Well, you can't beat that, can you, unless I try and perform as John Cooper Clarke.
Yeah, give it a crack.
I should have tried it out in private to see if it's offensive or not.
Well, I don't think there's any better forum than on television for the first time.
Let's just find out if he's going to punch me in my face.
You should see my impression of a beagle in a cardigan.
LAUGHTER "Musicians and actors, do they get on? "I've heard they go shopping to keep the bond strong.
"A western singer in Spa with a western film star.
"I wondered did Twain and Wayne avoid the rain on the train? "But the best sight of all, and I think you'll agree, "Is Elton shoe-shopping with his best friend Bradley.
"Who are they? Where are they? Three words only.
"John.
Cooper.
Clarks.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, that was fabulous.
Always nice to get a name check.
- That's got a lot going for it, that, Jon.
- Thanks, John.
And last, but least, Joe.
My poem's called Thanks, Mate, Now I've Shat Myself.
LAUGHTER I think we've got a winner there, haven't we? "If I'm running towards the lav shouting, "It's coming out, it's coming out! "Don't stop me and ask me where I got my nest of tables.
"Thanks, mate, now I've shat myself.
"And don't dare me to eat 50 Cadbury's Creme Eggs "Then let me have a go on your trampoline.
"What did you think was going to happen? "Thanks, mate, now I've shat myself.
"And don't tickle me when I'm chatting to the bus driver "About how much I shit myself.
"Thanks, mate "Oh, hang on, I don't think I followed through that time.
"Oh, no, I have.
Thanks, mate, I shat myself.
" APPLAUSE What do you think? Well, never has a lack of intestinal fortitude been better expressed.
- Well done, Joe.
- Thanks, John.
I mean, there's five points on the line here.
- Who's going to get them? - I've got to go for the name check.
Jon.
Five points to Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
A consonant, please.
R And a consonant, please.
D And a vowel, please.
O And a consonant, please.
N And a vowel, please.
E I should have made an R-DON joke there, shouldn't I? I'm sorry.
Take the E down, we've had an idea for a joke.
Jon? What have you got? That's the first R-DON I've had for a while! LAUGHTER AND CHEERING Jon Richardson, everyone.
APPLAUSE And I'd like an E, please.
E And I'd like a consonant, please.
Q And let's try for a U.
Let's have another vowel.
I And a consonant, please.
P Vowel.
- And a U.
- OK, your time starts now.
OK, Jon, how many letters? - I've got a nine.
- A nine, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hold it because it's probably bullshit.
LAUGHTER Joe, how many have you got? - A risky six.
- A risky six.
Kevin.
Er, six.
- Jessica? - Well, I've got three fives.
I know that's not the rules, but OK, well, give us your five.
What's your best five? EQUIP OK, Kevin, your six? - PRUNED.
- PRUNED.
- If you're in the bath too long.
LAUGHTER - Joe, what's your six? - PRUNED.
- KEVIN: Nice one, Joe.
- Cheers.
OK, I'm pretty excited.
We don't often get a nine on this version of Countdown.
This is huge.
It's increasingly obvious that we all need to switch to a vegetarian diet if we're going to save the planet and animal welfare, so my nine is QUORNPIED.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So close, but QUORN has a capital letter.
- Ah! - Yeah, trademark.
I've got quite a good idea for a vegetarian option.
Quorn-on-the-cob.
LAUGHTER OK, six points to both teams! APPLAUSE Susie Dent, John Cooper Clarke, could they have done any better? Yes, POUNDER, UNROPED.
OK, the scores at the moment, Jon and Joe have 27.
Kevin and Jessica have 29 points.
It's neck and neck.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are NOB BURST.
The clue is - that'll be hard to shift.
That's NOB BURST, that'll be hard to shift.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were NOB BURST, the clue was - that will be hard to shift - it was, of course, STUBBORN.
Sorry, Jon just asked me if that was actually my arse.
LAUGHTER How did you think that was? - But to be fair - How did you? I mean, you've seen Joe, you thought He said to me, "It's really good how they do these things, isn't it?" So I thought, "Fuck! They've actually made it out of his arse.
" How could you think, even for a moment? - It's not beyond the realms, is it? - How is that not beyond the realms? I mean, I don't think he actually has a pencil sharpener up there.
Do you still think it's me? - I think you've got a great arse.
- I have got quite a nice bum.
- You've got some junk in the trunk, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Show the people.
- Do you want to see my bot-bot? - CHEERING Joe, we'd like to see your bot-bot.
I don't know if you can twerk, but we'd like to see some WHISTLES AND CHEERING You were having a good old look, weren't you, boy? Bend into it a bit, man.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, now it's time for our final letters game.
Kevin and Jessica, your turn to choose the letters.
Consonant please, Rachel.
G A vowel, please, Rachel.
O A consonant.
N A vowel, please.
I - Goni! - LAUGHTER A consonant please, Rachel.
M Consonant, please.
P A vowel, please.
A A vowel, please.
O And a consonant.
And the last one, T.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER THUNDER RUMBLES LAUGHTER WOLF HOWLS LAUGHTER THUNDER CRACKS WOLF HOWLS I'm going to be honest with you, the effects budget's not huge on this show.
Joe, how many? Six.
Jon, how many? Seven.
- Kevin? - Uh - Six.
- Six.
Jessica? Five.
Let's hear your five.
MANGO Kevin, you're six.
TAPING Like when you tape something.
LAUGHTER Joe, your six? MOPING - Like when you mope something.
- LAUGHTER Jon, your seven.
MOOTING - Like when you moot something.
- LAUGHTER - Seven points to Jon.
- SUSIE: Very good.
APPLAUSE THUNDER RUMBLES LAUGHTER John, Susie, could they have done any better? It was all sevens over here as well.
MAINTOP TAMPING - To tamp - Tamping? To ram into something firmly.
LAUGHTER Sorry, what was that? It's to pack a hole LAUGHTER Susie, if you'd just be a little bit more professional.
- What does it mean? - It's to pack a hole full of clay.
- To concentrate the force - SUSIE LAUGHS LAUGHTER The concentrate the force of the explosion This is a bast hole, I think.
Or to ram or pack a substance into something firmly.
LAUGHTER Anyway, seven.
OK, so the scores are Kevin and Jessica have 29, Jon and Joe have 34.
It's all to play for.
10 points if you get the Conundrum right.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER I know it's wrong, but I'm going to have a stab at PARSNIPS.
LAUGHTER Are these anagrams? LAUGHTER OK.
So no-one got it, let's have a look.
PROVINCES So, the final scores are Kevin and Jessica have 29 points, but tonight's winners with 34, Jon and Joe! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown horse riding kit.
Thanks to all our panellists our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE