Live at The Apollo (2004) s15e01 Episode Script
Tom Allen, Rosie Jones, Kae Kurd
1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for the night, Tom Allen.
AUDIENCE CHEERS # The way you want me to die # Over this, over this Over this town Hello.
Good evening, everybody.
Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
AUDIENCE CHEERS Good.
Good, well, it's so wonderful to be here in ehehyou know.
And I do think, like, you know, the internet has changed the way we see the world, now for all of us.
And I think social media has done that.
We've all got to comment on social media now, haven't we? And I do think, a lot of the time, the people who do comment a lot on social media are the same people who, in the old days, would have turned up at a public hanging.
You know, and it brings with it all this pressure, doesn't it? We've all got to live our best life now.
#LiveYourBestLife, #LiveYourBestLife, #LiveYourBestLife.
I can't live my best life, I'm too tired.
When you've got one of these apps, there's all this pressure.
Like, we've all got to take selfies all the time.
Short for selfish.
It doesn't matter what day it is, it can be your grandmother's funeral, people are going, "Shut up, get your lips out!" And then we've all got to do mindfulness.
Mindfulness? What is, mindfulness? What is it? It's just breathing and thinking about your legs.
And then people say, "Live every day as your last, "live every day as your last.
" Which I do actually, I do live every day as my last, which is why I spend most of my time screaming.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Is it that, is it that, is it that? And I do think as well, imagine being born into this world.
Imagine how tough it must be for children nowadays born into this world.
Like, I had an experience, recently, where I was in Marks & Spencer's because I have a fabulous life.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS And I was in Marks & Spencer's to buy a cashmere jumper from Per Una.
It's this generation's Armani.
And I was walking round and it was quite a warm day and there was a little boy walking round with his mum.
And the little boy had taken his jumper off and the mum said to him, "If you're not going to wear that jumper, you've got to carry it.
"I'm not going to carry it for you.
You've got to carry that jumper.
" And out of nowhere, the little boy, he turned to his mum and he went, "You've ruined my life!" Which I thought was a ridiculous thing to say because she probably has ruined his life, but he won't know that for years and years.
Loads of therapy.
And then, later on, I was in the queue to pay for my cashmere jumper.
Up ahead of me in the queue was the same little boy and his little sister, who was in a pushchair, right.
And the little boy had learned to play the game peek-a-boo with his little sister.
So, you can imagine, everyone in the queue, in Marks & Spencer's, they love this, don't they? They love this.
Oh, this is wonderful, oh, this is beautiful, oh, this is what we came out of the house tosee, something beautiful, like this, not to buy this pair of elasticated waisted jeans.
And you can imagine the game peek-a-boo, right, imagine it.
Peek-a-boo, it's a lovely thing to see.
Peek-a-boo, the little girl is really laughing.
On the third time, though, he got a bit bored.
Peek-a-boo, smashed her in the face! AUDIENCE LAUGHS And then what happened is the little girl, she really lost her shit.
She started to do that screaming that kids sometimes do of going, "Uh!" And then screaming and everybody turned round.
And then the mum comes over and says, "What on earth's happened here?" And then the little boy starts to cry in that way that kids sometimes cry, which is by talking and sobbing at the same time.
So, the mum said, "What on earth's happened here?" And the little boy looked at his mum and went, "I-smashed-her-in-the-face.
" And the mum said, "Well, why, why did you smash her in the face?" And the little boy looked at his mum and went, "Because-I-wanted-to.
" Which was actually a very good argument.
And the mum was getting really annoyed by this point and she said, "But why did you really do it?" And the little boy looked at his mum and said perhaps the strangest thing I've ever heard a small child say.
He looked at his mum and went, "I-can't-be-what-you-want-me-to-be.
" Just peculiar.
Like, how much pressure are these children under? They're talking like Daleks with a social conscience.
I mean, when I was a child, like, that age, sort of five years old, the biggest stress I had when I started school was my zip getting caught in my coat.
Do you remember that? The stress of getting your zip caught.
"I've got my zipI've got my zip, my zip, my zip is caught.
"I can'tmy zipgetget help.
"My zip is caught in my coat, get help, get help, please.
" And you try and fix it but you don't know how zips work.
You've got a bit of fabric caught underneath, you try and jam it up a bit further, you're just jamming more fabric underneath it.
Please get help, I can't get this zip undone.
I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life wearing this coat.
You try and shuffle it off so it's sort of dangling off your elbows, like you're some middle-aged woman going to the opera wearing a pashmina.
It's ridiculous, because you don't know how to ask for tickets for the opera when you're six.
Or, what's worse, is when you couldn't get your head through the neck of your jumper.
Do you remember that, taking your jumper off? Oh, my God.
There were times when I'd be swimming, swimming in fabric I thought "I'll never get out of this jumper.
I'm stuck in this jumper for the rest of my life.
" Did you think as a child that when you have to do things, you think, "Well, when I grow up I won't have to worry about anything I don't want to do.
"I'll be secure in myself, I'll know who I am.
" But of course, as an adult it gets much, much worse.
You have to do things like hang out with friends.
Have you done it? Oh, it's awful.
Like, I've got this friend, Becky, who I've known since I was at school.
And it was her birthday and she wanted to go to a nightclub for her birthday because she's likeerer .
.
an idiot.
And she sent out this e-mail first of all, she goes, "Right, who wants to come to this birthday thing at a nightclub?" I obviously ignored it.
Then, a couple of weeks later, I got another e-mail from Becky going, "Tom, I haven't heard from you about my birthday trip to the nightclub.
"Are you coming or not? I need to know for my spreadsheet.
" Oh, nothing says fun like Excel.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS So, I say, "All right, all right, I'll go.
" I feel pressured into it, I'll go.
The night of it arrives, we've all got to round to Becky's house for pre-drinks.
Pre-drinks, do you know what that is? Fizzy wine.
Fizzy wine, urgh! And then, I went to put my glass on the coffee table, Becky passively aggressively starts handing out coasters.
Then, right, you've all got to pose for a selfie, oh, the selfie.
The selfish takes ages, doesn't it? But it's Becky's birthday, we have to rearrange the furniture.
I'm basically in haulage at this point, apparently.
We've all got to pose for it, I've been standing there for ages like I'm in an oil painting.
You know it doesn't matter how you look in these pictures.
If Becky looks good, that's the one she's going to put up on social media.
She doesn't care how you look, she just needs to make sure she looks brilliant, right.
She puts this one up, she looks great, me, the light's shining off my face, I look like a beacon.
Then I had to meet her friends from work.
I had to meet this guy called Brian, right.
Brian's a bit oafish, but not in a fun way.
He's very curious about everything to do with being gay, right.
He comes over to me he goes, "'Ere, Tom, you're gay, aren't you?" Was it the pashmina? "So you're gay.
Tell me, are you the postman or the letterbox?" AUDIENCE: Ooh! The first question.
Rude.
And I looked a bit shocked at that and then he went, "No, but you gays, you're always having sex, "always having anal sex, aren't you? "You love it, you love it up the bum.
"You do it all the time, you love anal sex.
"I mean, I don't know what the girls do, there's nothing there.
"But the boys, they love anal sex, they do it all the time.
" And I said to him, "We do do other things.
I mean, some of us have got jobs.
" A friend of mine's an accountant.
He's dreadful, actually .
.
at anal sex.
But anyway He said, "But you've got all the apps, though, haven't you? You've got all them apps.
" I was like, "Yeah, but they're not that different to the straight ones, I don't think, really.
" You know, yeah, we've got Grindr.
You know what Grindr is, don't you? Grindr? The application on your phone that tells you where your nearest gay man is.
I mean, you don't need it now, because I'myou know.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS And you know, they're all the same, aren't they? They've all got people chatting on them going, "Hi, hi, how are you?" "Fine, thanks.
Ha-ha.
" People say ha-ha in a message, don't they? Ha-ha, like they're laughing.
Ha-ha, ha-ha.
Of course it's not them laughing, though, is it? It's them going, "ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ah-ah-ah, "I'm so lonely.
" And I had an experience recently where someone on one of these apps started a conversation with me by sending me a photograph .
.
of their arsehole.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS What are you supposed to respond to that? I put, "What an opening.
" AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS I'm meeting him for dinner next week.
I don't know how I'm going to recognise him.
Anyway, so, when I said that, Brian really didn't know what to say.
But by this point, Becky was very keen to get us to this nightclub, right, but you can't get dropped off at the nightclub, you've got to get dropped off nearby.
So, you're queuing up in the street, right.
Then you have to give your money to somebody who stamps you to show that you've paid.
She stamps you on your flesh like you are being branded, like a cow.
Then you have to go in and queue up for the cloakroom.
You put your coat in the cloakroom, they give you a raffle ticket.
When do they pull that raffle? Nobody knows.
And eventually you get to go through into the nightclub.
Now, I do not like nightclubs.
Why do they play that music? That music that's so loud.
Why is it so loud? You know that music that's like MIMICS DANCE BEA Who likes that music? MIMICS BEA And then in the middle of it, a woman's voice comes on and goes Good times.
MIMICS BEA Who's this woman who comes on in the middle? Like, can you imagine the recording session they must have had for that song? Like, "Oh, Claire, thanks for coming in.
"Did you get the music in advance? "OK, great, just go through to the booth.
" Claire goes through to the booth, puts her cans on Good times.
"Thanks very much, Claire.
That's you done for today!" It's not proper music, is it, right? And then Becky's getting all annoyed.
"Come on, quickly, cos I've reserved a VIP area!" What does VIP stand for anyway? Vile, irritating pricks? We go in this area, right, and there's barely any room for us.
We're all stood behind this rope.
I mean, it was like we'd been lassoed.
There was a table in the middle with an empty bucket like we were in some sort of hostage situation.
We basically all just stood in a line looking out at the rest of the club.
Becky goes, "You having a good time?" and I felt like saying, "To be honest, Becky, not really.
I mean, if I wanted to stand "in a dark, confined space listening to music I don't really like "and generally feeling uncomfortable, "I could have just stayed in the closet.
" Then I think, right, I'm going to go and get some drinks, so I go over to the bar.
There's, like, 400 people milling around the bar.
You get near the front, then the barman goes, "Who's next?" I don't know! I don't work here, right? Then you have to lure him over with cash like he's some sort of lap dancer of liquids.
"I've got cash! Come over here!" And as you do that, you lean on the bar and suddenly your sleeve is soaked .
.
with liquids.
I mean, if there's anywhere in the world that needs them, this place needs coasters.
I don't know why people bother buying drinks in a nightclub, they may as well just lick the bar.
Eventually he gives you a drink, I got this drink, I turn round, immediately smashed into somebody, spilt all of the drink over myself on my new cashmere jumper.
And I'm soaked.
I'd take the thing off, but I can't get it over my head.
The only way I'm going to get a drink is if I just suck on my sleeve.
I thought, to be honest, I've had enough of this, I'm leaving, so I went back to the cloakroom, I got in a queue with all the people who were just arriving, got my coat out of the cloakroom, put it on, then what happened? My zip got caught! I felt like turning to the rest of them and going, "I can't be what you want me to be!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE #BestLife #CanFuckOff.
If that was my last day on Earth, I'd gladly let them take me.
Anyway, are you ready to meet your first act? CHEERING OK, ladies and gentlemen, please give the warmest welcome to the fabulous Rosie Jones.
CHEERING # I get knocked down but I get up again # You're never gonna keep me down # I get knocked down but I get up again # You're never gonna keep me down # I get knocked down but I get up again # You're never gonna keep me down # I get knocked down but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down Hiya! Hello! SLOW-PACED: My name is Rosie and, as you can tell from my voice, I suffer from .
.
being Northern.
It's so hard.
So, let me address the disabled elephant in the room.
That's what my mum calls me.
Bitch.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So I'm single and I think I'm single because when people meet me, all they see is this and they don't hang around to get to know the real me.
I just need to meet someone who is mature enough to see past my .
.
massive tits.
So hard.
I quite like being single, though, because it gives me more time in the day to masturbate LAUGHTER AND CHEERING .
.
which is actually the only thing I'm fast at.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And whilst I enjoy myself, I always like to think about one very specific sexual fantasy.
Strap in - we're going there.
Right.
It starts every time on Ryan Gosling's doorstep.
I know where he lives.
And I knock on the door .
.
and he's out.
LAUGHTER So .
.
I let myself in.
Naked.
I have a yoghurt.
Yummy.
I watch Shrek.
Times.
And after about eight hours, Eva Mendes, Ryan's wife, comes in and says, "Hello, Rosie! "Ryan died.
" LAUGHTER And then she burst out crying.
Her husband of five years is dead! She's on the floor and I don't know what to do.
And when she can't cry .
.
any more .
.
I fuck her.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ROSIE LAUGHS Surprise! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So I'm gay.
And proud to be gay.
WHOOPING Thanks.
Mainly because it makes me a triple threat.
LAUGHTER I'm disabled, I'm gay and I'm a prick.
LAUGHTER The BBC love me.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You have been so lovely.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Rosie Jones.
Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INAUDIBLE Rosie Jones, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, are we ready to bring on our second act of this evening? CHEERING Please give the warmest of welcomes to the brilliant Kae Kurd! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE RAP MUSIC Hammersmith, how we doing? You all right? CHEERING Yeah, that's right, this is what would happen if Peter Andre converted to Islam, OK? LAUGHTER Cos I do come from a Muslim family.
Not a great time being Muslim, is it? Exactly! Exactly! None of you wake up, going, "D'you know what I want to be? "I want to be healthy, wealthy, Muslim!" Yeah? Especially right now, there's a lot of bad press surrounding Muslims.
You've got Isis, IS, Daesh, whatever you want to call it.
They're like Puff Daddy, they've got a new name after every video, right? LAUGHTER I did a bit of research on Isis, right.
Not to join or anything, right.
LAUGHTER No, I did a bit of research on Isis, right? Cos I thought, it's very important to see who these guys are using Islam's name to do all these bad things.
I did a bit of research, found out that Isis have their own magazine.
I know, guys, it blew my mind.
Cos I thought, what kind of magazine do you have, as a terrorist organisation? You know, is it like their version of Hello! Magazine, you know? Goodbye! Like LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE KAE LAUGHS If it is like Hello! Magazine, does it have the same sort of articles? Do they have weight-loss tips in there and stuff, you know? Like, "Find out how Hassan lost 12st in 30 seconds!" LAUGHTER "His explosive workout plan is literally suicide!" Oh, come on, you can laugh at that, man.
They're going to come for me before they come for you, man.
LAUGHTER What makes matters worse is I'm Kurdish.
A lot of people don't know who Kurds are.
We were the ones fighting Isis.
You're welcome.
Er He says, on stage in Hammersmith! LAUGHTER I'd be useless against Isis.
What am I going to do - roll up there with a mic, like, "Yo.
Knock-knock".
LAUGHTER No, a lot of people don't know who Kurds are, right.
We're the largest ethnic group in the world without an independent country.
I used to get teased about that as a kid, people used to say things to me like, "Ha-ha! Lemon curd.
" LAUGHTER "Piss off, James, you ain't got a dad.
" Like LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "I'm just saying, innit, I don't have a country, you don't have a loving home.
" Um "Guess who gets presents, though?" LAUGHTER My parents came to this country as refugees, right? Refugees.
That's always a bit of a contentious topic whenever you mention it in this country, the refugee crisis.
Guys, nobody's coming over here cos they like the idea of Nando's and a Wetherspoon's, right? LAUGHTER Nobody's coming over here on a dingy little boat, going, "Ooo, I wonder what All Bar One is like.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know, the funniest part of that whole thing, right, is we call ourselves Great Britain, and then get surprised when people turn up to see how great is really is.
There's an adjective in the name.
No other country on Earth has that.
You don't have Banging Bangladesh, do you know what I mean? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Huh-huh! Nah, my parents came over here, you know, they came over here for a safer life back in 1990, as refugees.
My dad was part of the resistance fighting against Saddam Hussein's regime.
So they came over here for a safer life.
They were fleeing war and persecution, you know.
Came over here for a safer life and ended up moving to Brixton, South London, right.
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING I'm talking Brixton in the '90s, where you could buy weed and a patty in the same building, right.
You know, the kind of place that was just littered with £1 shops.
Like, you go in there for, like, sellotape, but somehow, you end up leaving with chocolate, shower gel and a brand-new identity.
LAUGHTER It's changed now.
It's not as rough as it used to be.
I knew my area had changed when we got a Starbucks.
I thought to myself, the last thing gangsters on council estates were crying out for was Caramel Frappuccinos, right.
LAUGHTER I just want to see how that conversation would happen.
One of these guys walking in there, like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
" "Obviously.
" LAUGHTER Cos everything's obvious to these guys, right? LAUGHTER Apart from the law.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He's looking at the menu.
You can imagine his confusion when he sees the word, "panini".
LAUGHTER "OK, there's poonani in here! OK!" LAUGHTER "My kind of coffee shop, yeah.
" LAUGHTER HE CHUCKLES He can't even pronounce what he wants.
He's there, looking at the menu, like, "Yeah, can I get a" LAUGHTER "Flippin'! "Just give me one of them tings there, boss, yeah?" And the guy behind the counter's really excited.
"Certainly, sir.
What size would you like?" "Yeah, get me a large, innit, cos I'm livin' large, you get me?" LAUGHTER "Make sure you spell my name correctly, though, yeah? "It's Killa with an A, not -er.
" I'm getting to that age where my friends are getting into relationships, settling down, getting married, having kids on purpose.
They mean it, like.
They're planning it.
It's not Cos a few years ago, if one of my friends said to me, "Kae, I'm having a kid", I'd have been, like, "Oh, no!" LAUGHTER "Don't even worry about it, bro, it might not be yours, innit?" LAUGHTER Nowadays, I have to act all happy about the situation.
"Oh, great.
How old is he?" "24 months.
" He's two years, you dickhead! He's a kid, not a calendar! LAUGHTER The thing is as well, though, I'm from the Middle East, right, and nobody from the Middle East has ever been seen as sexy.
You never see a Hollywood film where it's, like, "Oh, Hassan!" Do you know what I mean? It's When I was younger, there were places I liked to be mistaken for and places I didn't.
Like, when people asked me, "Kae, are you Arab?" I was, like, "No".
"Are you Turkish?" "No.
" "Are you Italian?" "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Actually, my name is Roberto.
" LAUGHTER I did this back in uni, right? I told this girl I was Italian.
Everything was going great, she invited me back to her place, I was thinking, "Yes! Inside!" Really happy about the whole situation.
LAUGHTER As we got back to her place, as she put the key in the door, she's like, "My flatmate's boyfriend's Italian, you two are going to get along.
" LAUGHTER Now, at this point, I'm bricking it.
I don't know a word of Italian.
The only Italian I know is from Super Mario.
You know, like, "Br-br-br".
Like, do you know what I mean? Like LAUGHTER I don't know a word, right? She's taken me into the living room, introduced me to this guy,right, I'm trying to think of anything.
She's like, "Do a little bonding thing", and I'm just trying to think of anything I can in Italian, like, "Macaroni, pepperoni", you know? "When'sa your Dolmio day?" LAUGHTER Just anything to try and bond with him, right.
She's gone outside, gone to get these drinks, I'm looking at him out of the corner of my eye.
Suddenly, he starts pacing up and down.
I'm thinking, what's going on? Cut a long story short, he was Kurdish, too.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Kae Kurd! Have you enjoyed all the acts you saw this evening? CHEERING Give it up for the fabulous Rosie Jones! And Kae Kurd! CHEERING My name's Tom Allen.
Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE CHEERS # The way you want me to die # Over this, over this Over this town Hello.
Good evening, everybody.
Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
AUDIENCE CHEERS Good.
Good, well, it's so wonderful to be here in ehehyou know.
And I do think, like, you know, the internet has changed the way we see the world, now for all of us.
And I think social media has done that.
We've all got to comment on social media now, haven't we? And I do think, a lot of the time, the people who do comment a lot on social media are the same people who, in the old days, would have turned up at a public hanging.
You know, and it brings with it all this pressure, doesn't it? We've all got to live our best life now.
#LiveYourBestLife, #LiveYourBestLife, #LiveYourBestLife.
I can't live my best life, I'm too tired.
When you've got one of these apps, there's all this pressure.
Like, we've all got to take selfies all the time.
Short for selfish.
It doesn't matter what day it is, it can be your grandmother's funeral, people are going, "Shut up, get your lips out!" And then we've all got to do mindfulness.
Mindfulness? What is, mindfulness? What is it? It's just breathing and thinking about your legs.
And then people say, "Live every day as your last, "live every day as your last.
" Which I do actually, I do live every day as my last, which is why I spend most of my time screaming.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS Is it that, is it that, is it that? And I do think as well, imagine being born into this world.
Imagine how tough it must be for children nowadays born into this world.
Like, I had an experience, recently, where I was in Marks & Spencer's because I have a fabulous life.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS And I was in Marks & Spencer's to buy a cashmere jumper from Per Una.
It's this generation's Armani.
And I was walking round and it was quite a warm day and there was a little boy walking round with his mum.
And the little boy had taken his jumper off and the mum said to him, "If you're not going to wear that jumper, you've got to carry it.
"I'm not going to carry it for you.
You've got to carry that jumper.
" And out of nowhere, the little boy, he turned to his mum and he went, "You've ruined my life!" Which I thought was a ridiculous thing to say because she probably has ruined his life, but he won't know that for years and years.
Loads of therapy.
And then, later on, I was in the queue to pay for my cashmere jumper.
Up ahead of me in the queue was the same little boy and his little sister, who was in a pushchair, right.
And the little boy had learned to play the game peek-a-boo with his little sister.
So, you can imagine, everyone in the queue, in Marks & Spencer's, they love this, don't they? They love this.
Oh, this is wonderful, oh, this is beautiful, oh, this is what we came out of the house tosee, something beautiful, like this, not to buy this pair of elasticated waisted jeans.
And you can imagine the game peek-a-boo, right, imagine it.
Peek-a-boo, it's a lovely thing to see.
Peek-a-boo, the little girl is really laughing.
On the third time, though, he got a bit bored.
Peek-a-boo, smashed her in the face! AUDIENCE LAUGHS And then what happened is the little girl, she really lost her shit.
She started to do that screaming that kids sometimes do of going, "Uh!" And then screaming and everybody turned round.
And then the mum comes over and says, "What on earth's happened here?" And then the little boy starts to cry in that way that kids sometimes cry, which is by talking and sobbing at the same time.
So, the mum said, "What on earth's happened here?" And the little boy looked at his mum and went, "I-smashed-her-in-the-face.
" And the mum said, "Well, why, why did you smash her in the face?" And the little boy looked at his mum and went, "Because-I-wanted-to.
" Which was actually a very good argument.
And the mum was getting really annoyed by this point and she said, "But why did you really do it?" And the little boy looked at his mum and said perhaps the strangest thing I've ever heard a small child say.
He looked at his mum and went, "I-can't-be-what-you-want-me-to-be.
" Just peculiar.
Like, how much pressure are these children under? They're talking like Daleks with a social conscience.
I mean, when I was a child, like, that age, sort of five years old, the biggest stress I had when I started school was my zip getting caught in my coat.
Do you remember that? The stress of getting your zip caught.
"I've got my zipI've got my zip, my zip, my zip is caught.
"I can'tmy zipgetget help.
"My zip is caught in my coat, get help, get help, please.
" And you try and fix it but you don't know how zips work.
You've got a bit of fabric caught underneath, you try and jam it up a bit further, you're just jamming more fabric underneath it.
Please get help, I can't get this zip undone.
I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life wearing this coat.
You try and shuffle it off so it's sort of dangling off your elbows, like you're some middle-aged woman going to the opera wearing a pashmina.
It's ridiculous, because you don't know how to ask for tickets for the opera when you're six.
Or, what's worse, is when you couldn't get your head through the neck of your jumper.
Do you remember that, taking your jumper off? Oh, my God.
There were times when I'd be swimming, swimming in fabric I thought "I'll never get out of this jumper.
I'm stuck in this jumper for the rest of my life.
" Did you think as a child that when you have to do things, you think, "Well, when I grow up I won't have to worry about anything I don't want to do.
"I'll be secure in myself, I'll know who I am.
" But of course, as an adult it gets much, much worse.
You have to do things like hang out with friends.
Have you done it? Oh, it's awful.
Like, I've got this friend, Becky, who I've known since I was at school.
And it was her birthday and she wanted to go to a nightclub for her birthday because she's likeerer .
.
an idiot.
And she sent out this e-mail first of all, she goes, "Right, who wants to come to this birthday thing at a nightclub?" I obviously ignored it.
Then, a couple of weeks later, I got another e-mail from Becky going, "Tom, I haven't heard from you about my birthday trip to the nightclub.
"Are you coming or not? I need to know for my spreadsheet.
" Oh, nothing says fun like Excel.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS So, I say, "All right, all right, I'll go.
" I feel pressured into it, I'll go.
The night of it arrives, we've all got to round to Becky's house for pre-drinks.
Pre-drinks, do you know what that is? Fizzy wine.
Fizzy wine, urgh! And then, I went to put my glass on the coffee table, Becky passively aggressively starts handing out coasters.
Then, right, you've all got to pose for a selfie, oh, the selfie.
The selfish takes ages, doesn't it? But it's Becky's birthday, we have to rearrange the furniture.
I'm basically in haulage at this point, apparently.
We've all got to pose for it, I've been standing there for ages like I'm in an oil painting.
You know it doesn't matter how you look in these pictures.
If Becky looks good, that's the one she's going to put up on social media.
She doesn't care how you look, she just needs to make sure she looks brilliant, right.
She puts this one up, she looks great, me, the light's shining off my face, I look like a beacon.
Then I had to meet her friends from work.
I had to meet this guy called Brian, right.
Brian's a bit oafish, but not in a fun way.
He's very curious about everything to do with being gay, right.
He comes over to me he goes, "'Ere, Tom, you're gay, aren't you?" Was it the pashmina? "So you're gay.
Tell me, are you the postman or the letterbox?" AUDIENCE: Ooh! The first question.
Rude.
And I looked a bit shocked at that and then he went, "No, but you gays, you're always having sex, "always having anal sex, aren't you? "You love it, you love it up the bum.
"You do it all the time, you love anal sex.
"I mean, I don't know what the girls do, there's nothing there.
"But the boys, they love anal sex, they do it all the time.
" And I said to him, "We do do other things.
I mean, some of us have got jobs.
" A friend of mine's an accountant.
He's dreadful, actually .
.
at anal sex.
But anyway He said, "But you've got all the apps, though, haven't you? You've got all them apps.
" I was like, "Yeah, but they're not that different to the straight ones, I don't think, really.
" You know, yeah, we've got Grindr.
You know what Grindr is, don't you? Grindr? The application on your phone that tells you where your nearest gay man is.
I mean, you don't need it now, because I'myou know.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS And you know, they're all the same, aren't they? They've all got people chatting on them going, "Hi, hi, how are you?" "Fine, thanks.
Ha-ha.
" People say ha-ha in a message, don't they? Ha-ha, like they're laughing.
Ha-ha, ha-ha.
Of course it's not them laughing, though, is it? It's them going, "ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ah-ah-ah, "I'm so lonely.
" And I had an experience recently where someone on one of these apps started a conversation with me by sending me a photograph .
.
of their arsehole.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS What are you supposed to respond to that? I put, "What an opening.
" AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS I'm meeting him for dinner next week.
I don't know how I'm going to recognise him.
Anyway, so, when I said that, Brian really didn't know what to say.
But by this point, Becky was very keen to get us to this nightclub, right, but you can't get dropped off at the nightclub, you've got to get dropped off nearby.
So, you're queuing up in the street, right.
Then you have to give your money to somebody who stamps you to show that you've paid.
She stamps you on your flesh like you are being branded, like a cow.
Then you have to go in and queue up for the cloakroom.
You put your coat in the cloakroom, they give you a raffle ticket.
When do they pull that raffle? Nobody knows.
And eventually you get to go through into the nightclub.
Now, I do not like nightclubs.
Why do they play that music? That music that's so loud.
Why is it so loud? You know that music that's like MIMICS DANCE BEA Who likes that music? MIMICS BEA And then in the middle of it, a woman's voice comes on and goes Good times.
MIMICS BEA Who's this woman who comes on in the middle? Like, can you imagine the recording session they must have had for that song? Like, "Oh, Claire, thanks for coming in.
"Did you get the music in advance? "OK, great, just go through to the booth.
" Claire goes through to the booth, puts her cans on Good times.
"Thanks very much, Claire.
That's you done for today!" It's not proper music, is it, right? And then Becky's getting all annoyed.
"Come on, quickly, cos I've reserved a VIP area!" What does VIP stand for anyway? Vile, irritating pricks? We go in this area, right, and there's barely any room for us.
We're all stood behind this rope.
I mean, it was like we'd been lassoed.
There was a table in the middle with an empty bucket like we were in some sort of hostage situation.
We basically all just stood in a line looking out at the rest of the club.
Becky goes, "You having a good time?" and I felt like saying, "To be honest, Becky, not really.
I mean, if I wanted to stand "in a dark, confined space listening to music I don't really like "and generally feeling uncomfortable, "I could have just stayed in the closet.
" Then I think, right, I'm going to go and get some drinks, so I go over to the bar.
There's, like, 400 people milling around the bar.
You get near the front, then the barman goes, "Who's next?" I don't know! I don't work here, right? Then you have to lure him over with cash like he's some sort of lap dancer of liquids.
"I've got cash! Come over here!" And as you do that, you lean on the bar and suddenly your sleeve is soaked .
.
with liquids.
I mean, if there's anywhere in the world that needs them, this place needs coasters.
I don't know why people bother buying drinks in a nightclub, they may as well just lick the bar.
Eventually he gives you a drink, I got this drink, I turn round, immediately smashed into somebody, spilt all of the drink over myself on my new cashmere jumper.
And I'm soaked.
I'd take the thing off, but I can't get it over my head.
The only way I'm going to get a drink is if I just suck on my sleeve.
I thought, to be honest, I've had enough of this, I'm leaving, so I went back to the cloakroom, I got in a queue with all the people who were just arriving, got my coat out of the cloakroom, put it on, then what happened? My zip got caught! I felt like turning to the rest of them and going, "I can't be what you want me to be!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE #BestLife #CanFuckOff.
If that was my last day on Earth, I'd gladly let them take me.
Anyway, are you ready to meet your first act? CHEERING OK, ladies and gentlemen, please give the warmest welcome to the fabulous Rosie Jones.
CHEERING # I get knocked down but I get up again # You're never gonna keep me down # I get knocked down but I get up again # You're never gonna keep me down # I get knocked down but I get up again # You're never gonna keep me down # I get knocked down but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down Hiya! Hello! SLOW-PACED: My name is Rosie and, as you can tell from my voice, I suffer from .
.
being Northern.
It's so hard.
So, let me address the disabled elephant in the room.
That's what my mum calls me.
Bitch.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So I'm single and I think I'm single because when people meet me, all they see is this and they don't hang around to get to know the real me.
I just need to meet someone who is mature enough to see past my .
.
massive tits.
So hard.
I quite like being single, though, because it gives me more time in the day to masturbate LAUGHTER AND CHEERING .
.
which is actually the only thing I'm fast at.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And whilst I enjoy myself, I always like to think about one very specific sexual fantasy.
Strap in - we're going there.
Right.
It starts every time on Ryan Gosling's doorstep.
I know where he lives.
And I knock on the door .
.
and he's out.
LAUGHTER So .
.
I let myself in.
Naked.
I have a yoghurt.
Yummy.
I watch Shrek.
Times.
And after about eight hours, Eva Mendes, Ryan's wife, comes in and says, "Hello, Rosie! "Ryan died.
" LAUGHTER And then she burst out crying.
Her husband of five years is dead! She's on the floor and I don't know what to do.
And when she can't cry .
.
any more .
.
I fuck her.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ROSIE LAUGHS Surprise! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So I'm gay.
And proud to be gay.
WHOOPING Thanks.
Mainly because it makes me a triple threat.
LAUGHTER I'm disabled, I'm gay and I'm a prick.
LAUGHTER The BBC love me.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You have been so lovely.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Rosie Jones.
Bye-bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INAUDIBLE Rosie Jones, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, are we ready to bring on our second act of this evening? CHEERING Please give the warmest of welcomes to the brilliant Kae Kurd! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE RAP MUSIC Hammersmith, how we doing? You all right? CHEERING Yeah, that's right, this is what would happen if Peter Andre converted to Islam, OK? LAUGHTER Cos I do come from a Muslim family.
Not a great time being Muslim, is it? Exactly! Exactly! None of you wake up, going, "D'you know what I want to be? "I want to be healthy, wealthy, Muslim!" Yeah? Especially right now, there's a lot of bad press surrounding Muslims.
You've got Isis, IS, Daesh, whatever you want to call it.
They're like Puff Daddy, they've got a new name after every video, right? LAUGHTER I did a bit of research on Isis, right.
Not to join or anything, right.
LAUGHTER No, I did a bit of research on Isis, right? Cos I thought, it's very important to see who these guys are using Islam's name to do all these bad things.
I did a bit of research, found out that Isis have their own magazine.
I know, guys, it blew my mind.
Cos I thought, what kind of magazine do you have, as a terrorist organisation? You know, is it like their version of Hello! Magazine, you know? Goodbye! Like LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE KAE LAUGHS If it is like Hello! Magazine, does it have the same sort of articles? Do they have weight-loss tips in there and stuff, you know? Like, "Find out how Hassan lost 12st in 30 seconds!" LAUGHTER "His explosive workout plan is literally suicide!" Oh, come on, you can laugh at that, man.
They're going to come for me before they come for you, man.
LAUGHTER What makes matters worse is I'm Kurdish.
A lot of people don't know who Kurds are.
We were the ones fighting Isis.
You're welcome.
Er He says, on stage in Hammersmith! LAUGHTER I'd be useless against Isis.
What am I going to do - roll up there with a mic, like, "Yo.
Knock-knock".
LAUGHTER No, a lot of people don't know who Kurds are, right.
We're the largest ethnic group in the world without an independent country.
I used to get teased about that as a kid, people used to say things to me like, "Ha-ha! Lemon curd.
" LAUGHTER "Piss off, James, you ain't got a dad.
" Like LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "I'm just saying, innit, I don't have a country, you don't have a loving home.
" Um "Guess who gets presents, though?" LAUGHTER My parents came to this country as refugees, right? Refugees.
That's always a bit of a contentious topic whenever you mention it in this country, the refugee crisis.
Guys, nobody's coming over here cos they like the idea of Nando's and a Wetherspoon's, right? LAUGHTER Nobody's coming over here on a dingy little boat, going, "Ooo, I wonder what All Bar One is like.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know, the funniest part of that whole thing, right, is we call ourselves Great Britain, and then get surprised when people turn up to see how great is really is.
There's an adjective in the name.
No other country on Earth has that.
You don't have Banging Bangladesh, do you know what I mean? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Huh-huh! Nah, my parents came over here, you know, they came over here for a safer life back in 1990, as refugees.
My dad was part of the resistance fighting against Saddam Hussein's regime.
So they came over here for a safer life.
They were fleeing war and persecution, you know.
Came over here for a safer life and ended up moving to Brixton, South London, right.
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING I'm talking Brixton in the '90s, where you could buy weed and a patty in the same building, right.
You know, the kind of place that was just littered with £1 shops.
Like, you go in there for, like, sellotape, but somehow, you end up leaving with chocolate, shower gel and a brand-new identity.
LAUGHTER It's changed now.
It's not as rough as it used to be.
I knew my area had changed when we got a Starbucks.
I thought to myself, the last thing gangsters on council estates were crying out for was Caramel Frappuccinos, right.
LAUGHTER I just want to see how that conversation would happen.
One of these guys walking in there, like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
" "Obviously.
" LAUGHTER Cos everything's obvious to these guys, right? LAUGHTER Apart from the law.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He's looking at the menu.
You can imagine his confusion when he sees the word, "panini".
LAUGHTER "OK, there's poonani in here! OK!" LAUGHTER "My kind of coffee shop, yeah.
" LAUGHTER HE CHUCKLES He can't even pronounce what he wants.
He's there, looking at the menu, like, "Yeah, can I get a" LAUGHTER "Flippin'! "Just give me one of them tings there, boss, yeah?" And the guy behind the counter's really excited.
"Certainly, sir.
What size would you like?" "Yeah, get me a large, innit, cos I'm livin' large, you get me?" LAUGHTER "Make sure you spell my name correctly, though, yeah? "It's Killa with an A, not -er.
" I'm getting to that age where my friends are getting into relationships, settling down, getting married, having kids on purpose.
They mean it, like.
They're planning it.
It's not Cos a few years ago, if one of my friends said to me, "Kae, I'm having a kid", I'd have been, like, "Oh, no!" LAUGHTER "Don't even worry about it, bro, it might not be yours, innit?" LAUGHTER Nowadays, I have to act all happy about the situation.
"Oh, great.
How old is he?" "24 months.
" He's two years, you dickhead! He's a kid, not a calendar! LAUGHTER The thing is as well, though, I'm from the Middle East, right, and nobody from the Middle East has ever been seen as sexy.
You never see a Hollywood film where it's, like, "Oh, Hassan!" Do you know what I mean? It's When I was younger, there were places I liked to be mistaken for and places I didn't.
Like, when people asked me, "Kae, are you Arab?" I was, like, "No".
"Are you Turkish?" "No.
" "Are you Italian?" "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" "Actually, my name is Roberto.
" LAUGHTER I did this back in uni, right? I told this girl I was Italian.
Everything was going great, she invited me back to her place, I was thinking, "Yes! Inside!" Really happy about the whole situation.
LAUGHTER As we got back to her place, as she put the key in the door, she's like, "My flatmate's boyfriend's Italian, you two are going to get along.
" LAUGHTER Now, at this point, I'm bricking it.
I don't know a word of Italian.
The only Italian I know is from Super Mario.
You know, like, "Br-br-br".
Like, do you know what I mean? Like LAUGHTER I don't know a word, right? She's taken me into the living room, introduced me to this guy,right, I'm trying to think of anything.
She's like, "Do a little bonding thing", and I'm just trying to think of anything I can in Italian, like, "Macaroni, pepperoni", you know? "When'sa your Dolmio day?" LAUGHTER Just anything to try and bond with him, right.
She's gone outside, gone to get these drinks, I'm looking at him out of the corner of my eye.
Suddenly, he starts pacing up and down.
I'm thinking, what's going on? Cut a long story short, he was Kurdish, too.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Kae Kurd! Have you enjoyed all the acts you saw this evening? CHEERING Give it up for the fabulous Rosie Jones! And Kae Kurd! CHEERING My name's Tom Allen.
Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE