Celebrity Juice (2008) s15e02 Episode Script

1 I'm Keith Lemon, and these are my not new titles.
There's Holly coming out of a giant clam.
She's still got them bangers, boy! There's Fearne Cotton, who's back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of modern science.
And there's Gino Sheffield D'acampo with a tiny willy, just like in real life.
We're all in heaven, but don't worry - we're not dead.
It's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best show on telly.
What's that show on telly? Celebrity Juice, on telly.
Not 4K-ready.
What's 4K? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, I'm alive! Yeah! (LAUGHTER) Hoo-rah! (CHEERING) Happy Easter.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who have you come as? Moses.
Moses, the most righteous and coolest character of all bibliconical times.
And what has Moses got to do with Easter? Well, Moses went to school with Jesus and Easter is about Jesus coming back alive from behind a rock.
Are you sure they went to school together? I know that shit, sister.
I know that shit.
And he parted 'nuff Red Sea, just like myself.
Oh, no! Who is on your team? Well, tonight on my team to my right, he's back on the dream team, it's Gino! (CHANTING 'GINO, GINO, GINO') Thank you.
And on my left, looking better than he ever has done before, it's Johnny Vegas.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's meet our other team captain.
She's got tits like Mini Eggs.
It's Fearne Cotton! Fearne, who's on your team? On my right, it's another Ferne, Ferne McCann.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And, well, sort of on my left, it's Rylan.
(BELL TOLLS) Yes.
Erm What we do about that? Well, if you saw the live show last week, we accidentally killed Rylan.
You accidentally killed Rylan.
I accidentally killed Rylan.
I thought it would be a good idea if we bring the coffin in.
Well, it's an Easter treat, innit? Chocolate, bunnies, what about dead people? Because it's about dead things coming back alive, innit? Jesus.
Mostly Jesus predominantly, yeah.
So I think we've got the coffin over there.
Let's go see him.
Let's go see what Rylan looks like as a dead person.
So, here he is.
This is what Rylan look like.
But you know what? I read this fairytale called Cinderella and there's something called a true love's kiss and that brings people back to life.
And because it's Easter, it just might happen.
And I'm modern, I can kiss a man.
So I'm gonna kiss him and see if he comes back alive because I do love him.
Maybe I should cup his balls.
(LAUGHTER) Agh! You're alive, Rylan.
He's alive! HALLELUJAH! Come on! Come on, pal.
He's alive! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Two Fernes! It's gonna be a bit confusing when I say, "Ferne, Fearne".
Yes.
Yeah, because we both keep turning around.
Yes.
So Fearne Cotton, I'll call you John.
All right.
That is actually better than I thought it was going to be so I'm kind of OK with John.
John, what do you like about Easter the most? I'm quite loving the fact that we've got lots of chicks over here.
We've got chicks.
Look at this! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) They are so sweet.
Do they bite, chicks? I don't know.
Are they what? Will they bite me? As someone who is into animal rights, I think it's only best that I free them.
You're free, you're free! I've just got to say, to all the ladies that send me fanmail, that wasn't a real one.
I'm very sensitive, I would never kill a chick.
What's it like wearing a skirt? Is it quite freeing? Yeah, it is quite freeing.
What are you wearing underneath? Just my underpants.
It must be a nightmare when you are at premieres and you are wearing next to nothing.
Ferne? Didn't you go see Batman Vs Superman t'other night? You know what, I knew you was gonna bring this up.
Did you have your fanny hanging out? We've got a picture, Rylan.
Have a look at this.
Oh, no! Yeah, boy! Wow! When you've got a thong that far up your arse, you can get a yeast infection, you know? Can I explain this, right? My friend come with me to the premiere.
I said, "take a picture, let the flash go off and see if you can see anything".
We then got to the premiere, loads of flashes, saw it online, completely see-through.
I saw it when you walked past.
"Look at the gash on that, boy!" Ferne, you've had an incredible couple of years.
Not you, John.
I'm talking to Ferne.
It's not all about you.
We know about you.
"I've had a fucking baby, I've had a baby, I'm tired".
First you were on TOWIE.
Yes.
Then you went into the jungle.
I did.
And you came second? Everyone thinks this but I actually come third.
Still the final, innit? It was the final.
That's very good.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) HALLELUJAH! The thing that I find most impressive, is it true that you've just passed your driving test for buses? That is brilliant.
But women can't drive, can they? These are so handy.
Women can throw! They fucking can't! What you doing? Leave it out, man.
Get off me.
I don't like it! Happy Easter.
You know what, you selfish cow, one of us is wearing white! I'm only joking.
I'm joking.
I thought the jungle was hard.
Bus driving is so challenging.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Driving a bus was harder than eating a fucking spider as big as Verne Troyer? Look at this.
I had, like, so many complaints about the spider.
But it's like a tiny dog! It took me about 20 minutes to eat that thing.
It was kind of like, imagine softshell crab, and the legs, OK, I could deal with that.
But the body was like really like gunky and it dispersed as I bit into the body and was like It was like eating a testicle with legs? It might have been carrying spider babies.
Exactly.
What if it laid eggs in your belly and you gave birth to baby Spider-Man? That would just be epic.
It's Rylan Clark-Neal! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Are you Rylan Clark-Neal in real life or is it still Rylan Clark on telly? No, it's Rylan Clark-Neal, I got married.
You got married? Yeah.
HALLELUJAH! And there's the wedding picture.
All my bridesmaids there.
Oh, that's so nice.
Oh, I know her! That's my cousin Kimberly, yeah, she lives near you.
And look, Claire from Steps.
I were just going to say, first person to spot Claire from Steps wins a point.
Childhood dream.
I know, look at her, she loves it.
And you've got fit Claire from Steps there.
I actually did say to Claire, "if you put the weight back on, you are buying your own bridesmaid's dress".
Because I'd already bought it! Is that not a dream come true, that you had Claire from Steps as your bridesmaid? Do you know what - No, getting married to the love of his life was! Yeah, no, not about the marriage.
When it's two men getting married, does a man hold flowers? No, we didn't.
No-one throws, like, the bouquet over for the bridesmaids so they can go, "Oh, I'm gonna get married next!" No, we didn't do that.
We just threw some shapes instead.
That was the actual shape we threw.
Did you throw a bag of salad at them? Claire! Ooh! She's my mate! Ooh-hoo-hoo! This is why I should never come back.
Hey, where's Johnny? Here's Johnny.
It's Johnny Vegas! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Johnny Vegas seems to be the only one that got the email that I sent out saying it was Easter, let's dress up as Easter characters.
I always make an effort.
This is like a big night out for me.
I come here, and I make the effort, and then you put real grass down, and your producer comes up and goes, "Johnny, if you could start eating it during the show, that'd be brilliant".
Have you got a sweat on yet in there? My testicles, I just feel like they are in an infinity pool.
The sweat is running off my knees.
Honest to God, my balls feel like they're on holiday.
Isn't it nice, looking over the - Johnny.
I'll have a sitdown - Johnny! My ears are facing that Look, when I talk, it's like I'm on Newsnight, I've got to be dead serious.
I have just been asked a question about, you know, the housing problem in Sussex! I can't casually chat with this fucking hat on! Is it true you trained to be a priest? Yes.
Tell us.
Well, I did.
Good.
Last week in the live show, we did a little bit of an Ant and Dec special where we went to somebody's house live.
We had a little mishap because they were making sweet love.
There they are.
Are they genuine having sex? They're genuine.
If they're having sex, why is she facing him? They were making love.
And when you love a person, you look in the eyes.
Why would you want to look at someone? Because if you love them.
Yeah, and then when they start laughing, what do you do? OK, well, just like Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, we're going to do something very similar.
Where they give their viewers the chance to win the best seat in the house.
Have you seen that? Yes.
Which is a slightly nicer seat than the normal seats.
So we are doing the juiciest seat in the Celebrity Juice studio.
We've got one lucky winner.
Lucky bastards.
There they are.
Going to them live now.
In the juiciest seat in the Celebrity Juice studio.
HOLLY: Oh, no.
You can't do that.
And all all they had to do was tell us where wood came from, which we know is B&Q.
Are you having a good time? Yes, kind of.
Happy Easter! My favourite thing about Easter is when the Easter Bunny does his Easter bunny egg hunt.
Yeah, that's lovely.
Nice, innit? Can you explain the reason behind that? I think it's just a symbol of spring and new life, bunnies and chicks.
And Easter eggs.
What do you do at Easter, then, Gino? Hunt for pizzas? Lasagna? You know, seriously, we actually eat rabbit for Easter.
So I don't get why Run! Well, on that note, let's play Johnny, we've hidden some golden eggs around the studio and around the parameters.
You've got to bring them back.
You'll get a point for your team for every one you bring back.
Aw! Here is the Easter egg basket thing.
You just get cuter.
You are up against the clock.
You've got an allotted time.
Listen to our instructions, OK? Yeah.
How can we give instructions without the map? (KLAXON) I've got the map here.
Ready? Go! OK, where do I go? You've got to go out of the studio.
It looks like it's in that communal area.
Do I look like I run for pleasure? Is it in the coffin? No.
It is in the comm-on-unal area.
That's "communal" area.
I've got it! What did he say? Comm-on-unal area.
Come on, Eileen! Is it the come on Eileen area? Johnny, you've lost your ears.
I've found it! What's he doing in a box? Right.
OK.
Right, keep going, you're nearly there.
Oh, you are taking the piss.
(APPLAUSE) Well done, Johnny.
Right, Johnny, you need to find my dressing room.
So go down the corridor.
That's it.
It's Phillip Schofield, pissed in Holly's dressing room! Oh, he loves it in there.
Is it down his pants? Look, Schofield's so ashamed of himself because he's pissed on telly again.
He won't show his face.
What are you doing? He's got it, he's got it.
(APPLAUSE) OK, you need to go back to the toilets, Johnny.
Toilets!/fo Left, left now.
No, no, straight.
Have you seen a man shit in an egg? Left now.
That's the one.
All right? You all right? Have you got an egg on you? No, I actually haven't.
Have you got an egg on you?! I need an egg.
I need an egg! HOLLY: Johnny! I could be good Bunny or bad Bunny.
Johnny, in the cubicle! It's what? Johnny, it's in the cubicle.
Leave the poor guy alone.
Oh, sorry! It's there! Look on the bog roll, doofus! Where's that fucking egg? I've not got it.
Now talk.
Johnny! No milk until you talk to me.
No, no, no, no, no! Johnny! Johnny, leave him alone.
It's on the bog roll in the toilet! You passed it! He's got it.
Say sorry.
I made a huge mistake.
I'm sorry.
Now come back.
Run! It's like a budget version of Donnie Darko, innit? RYLAN: Come on, Johnny.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fucking hell.
(KLAXON) I got them all but then some fell out.
I'll just reveal all his eggs.
No! Where are the eggs? Don't you do that.
font color="# There's no eggs.
He has to bring them back.
I'll regurgitate one.
Johnny, how many points do you think you deserve for your efforts? Oh, I don't fucking care.
Give us whatever you want.
(APPLAUSE) Two.
Five.
We're going to give you four points, Joh And the scores at the end of that round aresh-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Word.
OK, I'm gonna go to the ad break now.
See you in a bit.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break: Disqualified, disqualified.
How can I - Disqualified, I said it.
How can I be disqualified? I don't care if it's Easter, shut the fuck up, yeah? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, happy Easter! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) OK, I'm very down with the kids.
I know all the street lingo.
All the lungo.
All theYou know, urban slang.
So, let's play! (APPLAUSE) OK, I'm gonna give you some real urban terms from the Urban Dictionary and other such sites.
You have to tell me what they mean for a point for your team.
If you get it right, you'll get a point.
If you both get it wrong, I will give a point to the one that I like the most.
I'm quite confident with my Essex sandwich.
First one is Jean Jerking.
But what does it mean? What is the urban slang for Jean Jerking? Write it down on your boards, please.
Jean Jerking.
Write it down.
Write down what you think Jean Jerking means.
What's the urban term? That's it.
So, the urban term is Jean Jerking, but Fearne, or should I say John, what does it mean? Well, this is a joint effort but mostly from Rylan, out of possibly experience.
We think it's a denim wank.
In brackets, BWitched.
A BWitched wank.
Wanking over a BWitched video? Through your jeans.
A wank through your jeans? OK.
We think it is GENE jerking.
G-E-N-E, as in genetics.
Wanking off your cousin.
(LAUGHTER) That has definitely come from Gino.
That's you.
That has definitely come from Gino.
Do you not see him, the bunny guy? (LAUGHTER) Jean Jerking means the acts of two individuals rubbing pelvic regions against each other in order to cause orgasm while wearing denim trousers.
Similar to dry humping.
I was gonna say dry humps.
I'll tell you what we'll do, I'll give a point to Fearne's team because she was the closest.
But because I liked Holly's answer I will give her a point also.
Woo-hoo! (APPLAUSE) The next urban term is Tit-tanic.
Titanic.
Tit-tanic! (LAUGHTER) I got tit-notized by Holly, then.
Titanic.
Iceberg? That's good.
What does Titanic mean in the Urban Dictionary? John's team, what have you got? We think Titanic is going down on someone.
You know when you go like Oh, let me go down on you.
Let me go Titanic on you, yeah? Is that what you say? I don't say that.
Oh, right.
Obviously I wouldn't say You know what? We'll move on.
How does a man do that? Get your rusty wreck around my rock.
(LAUGHTER) Holly's team.
We hadgoing down.
Possibly in the sea.
(LAUGHTER) The answer is a lady who goes down on the first time out.
A first date.
Oh, yeah.
Next one, Blumpkin.
That's Blumpkin.
But what does it mean when the kids are saying, "'Ere, man, blumpkin!" Johnny, anything spring to mind? Blumpkin.
It sounds like Holly has actually partaked in a bit of blumpkin.
Right, I'm gonna go to Holly's team.
Blumpkin.
Blumpkin, two fatties getting it on with each other in what would be described as "a blumpkin".
Nah, I say fucking a pumpkin.
(LAUGHTER) John's team.
Ferne will take this one.
OK, so we said blumpkin.
We took the word 'blu' and changed it to blow.
So we took from that, suck me off.
And then 'kin', like brother or sister.
So, like, give me a blow job .
.
brother.
(LAUGHTER) Can you imagine if you fell asleep during University Challenge and woke up with this on? (LAUGHTER) If you leaned on the remote control and you're going, "Paxman has let himself go.
" (LAUGHTER) I can tell you, the actual urban term 'Blumpkin' means getting a blow job whilst doing a poo.
Oh, my God! That's why I'm gonna give it to John's team.
Close.
Getting a blow job, just not with your brother or sister.
Gino, have you ever had a blow job whilst having a poo? No.
Have you? No.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) Oh, that's the end of the round.
(APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Rylan, we have big exclusive news, I don't know if this is You have your own chat show coming out.
No, being completely honest this was supposed to be announced two weeks from now but someone has let it out the bag.
So, yeah, exclusive, I have got my own chat show.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, own chat show, is it daytime or night time? It's night time.
Late-night.
Late-night? Bit dirty.
Is it? Well, I dunno yet, I've not done it.
Will you have, like, serious guests on as well? What are you trying to say? You know, like on This Morning you have a mix of guests.
He does This Morning.
That's what I'm saying.
You know, sometimes on This Morning he's not very good with the serious bits.
He's really good with serious stuff.
Is he fuck.
He is! I can do serious.
Do serious.
Whirlpool.
(LAUGHTER) We have a few pictures of you with your serious face cos sometimes they go, "Michael Bolton's gonna be on tomorrow doing a cover version of Rage Against The Machine's Fuck You, I Won't Do What You Tell Me.
But first, let's meet this man whose dog got set on fire.
" (LAUGHTER) That is one of his serious faces! "I couldn't give a shit, love.
" "Oh, fucking hell, this story's boring.
" One of my friends has been shot by a farmer, is that the face you're gonna pull? Yeah, probably.
I do the lips as well for some reason.
I don't know if it's just dodgy filler.
Sympathy lips.
Yeah, sympathy lips.
Where you go I can't help it.
Holly goes like this.
(LAUGHTER) Recently you have been filling in for Eamonn Holmes.
Look, there you are.
Yeah, it's been - Ruth's lovely, isn't she? I love Ruth.
HOLLY: I LOVE Ruth.
He's had a hip replacement, hasn't he? Eamonn.
Eamonn, big shout out, yeah.
He's recovering well.
I think we've got a picture of him.
There he is.
(LAUGHTER) He's told us that the bong is strictly for medical reasons but it has turned his pubes into crisps.
(LAUGHTER) Wazzup! Wazzup! I tell you what, it's Easter, so let's all go to church and play (APPLAUSE) Here we are in the church of Dawn French to play The Vicar of Dribbley.
You can see there are boxes on the floor that have cameras in them.
What they've got to do is open their mouths and just hover over them with their hands behind their back.
The winner will be the person that doesn't dribble.
Or dribbles last.
As soon as you dribble you will be out.
If you shut your mouth you'll be disqualified straight away.
I need to be careful with the old skirt.
Well, stop flashing your minge off, you're doing it on purpose! (LAUGHTER) You probably think this is gonna be a piece of piss at home.
Why don't you get involved and do it yourself, film it, we might show it next week if it's right good.
If it in't right good we won't show it.
Tweet us it, tweet us it.
Ready? We'll go on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) There it is, mouth open! Holly, swallowed! Shut your mouth! She shut her mouth straightaway! I haven't - She shut her mouth straightaway.
I hadn't started.
She's disqualified.
Disqualified.
How can I - Disqualified, I said it.
How can I be disqualified? I don't care if it's Easter, shut the fuck up, yeah? He looks like a pissed Eskimo.
(LAUGHTER) He's not gonna do it.
(SCREAMS) She's dribbled! Ferne's dribbled! You're out.
Oh, damn.
It's hard, innit? It's hard.
I think that Rylan's got an advantage.
Why? Because his teeth are like Catching the spittle! He's got his mouth wide open.
His teeth are making it look like he hasn't got 'em open.
(LAUGHTER) Get your mouth open.
Don't make stupid noises.
(RYLAN GROANS) Mouth open.
Oh! He's dribbled, he's dribbled! Oh, she's dribbled! Fearne's out! John's out! Oh, my back.
(LAUGHTER) So, it's in between Johnny and Gino.
Oh, look at the dribble there.
Oh, there's the dribble! Oh, look at the dribble! I can't believe this is a game.
(LAUGHTER) There's a lot of heavy breathing going on.
(GINO GASPS) RYLAN: I had a dream like this.
All right, you, you big Italian cushy! (LAUGHTER) You've got to keep breathing.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Johnny is the winner! The scores at the end of that round are (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Happy Easter.
We're going to an ad break now.
See you in three.
(APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Ahh! Ahh! At least you're making love to me properly and not looking at me.
(LAUGHTER) Hurrah.
Welcome back to the Easter Celebrity Juice special.
All to play for in this final round.
It's the buzzer round.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) If you don't know the answer, be a chancer.
Buzz in anyway and have a guess.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week? (KEITH IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) 'Holly's team, livepre-recorded!' John's team, what's your buzzer this week? (KEITH IN AGGRESSIVE VOICE) 'John's team!' OK, here's the first question.
What is happening to Ruth Langsford here? 'Holly's team, livepre-recorded!' Holly's team.
Was it the moment she was told she was hosting with Rylan? Oh.
Oh, low blow! No, that's incorrect.
'John's team!' Had Eamonn just asked for a Titanic? No, no.
'Holly's team, livepre-recorded!' Didn't you do something with tape on her tits? Oh, my God, Ferne, this is me and you.
I was there.
Let's have a look.
What were you doing, taping up her tits? Kim Kardashian, like, straps up her tits to give a little bit more cleavage, so we decided to do it to Ruth on This Morning, live on TV.
That's correct.
But a point to Holly's team.
What has Zayn Malik said he was banned from growing when he was with One Direction? 'John's team!' His homosexual feelings towards Simon Cowell.
Oh! (LAUGHS) 'Holly's team, livepre-recorded!' Armpit hair.
Armpit hair?! It was hair.
I think a beard.
Beard.
That's correct.
A beard.
What have people been comparing Kim Kardashian's bum to this week? FEARNE: Wow! 'Holly's team, livepre-recorded!' Wigan.
Wigan? Yeah, it's a nightmare one way system.
Is it two fat people trying to eat a kite? No, the answer is the world's largest aircraft.
Have a look at this.
What has Jamie Oliver reportedly vowed to do after his fifth child is born? 'Holly's team, livepre-recorded!' Watch more Men and Motors.
'John's team!' John's team.
Hysterectomy? No, it's not a hysterectomy.
'Holly's team, livepre-recorded!' It is called a vasectomy.
Vasectomy.
That's Holly's team! That's the best thing I've done with my life.
That's the best thing he's ever done in his life.
What an achievement.
Well done.
Whenever I put anything in the microwave, I put my bollocks really close to it.
What has Amanda Holden said is non-existent this week? 'John's team.
' Dinosaurs.
'Holly's team, livepre-recorded!' Didn't she say it was her sex life? That is correct.
What has Mariah Carey said she needs four or five in her room in order to get to sleep? 'John's team!' John's team.
Rent boys.
Kittens or puppies or rabbits? Or some chicks? No.
Pilos! What?! Pilos.
Pilos rice.
Pilos rice! Dehumidifiers.
Or humidifiers.
'John's team!' Humidifiers, that's correct.
(KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Do we get an extra point as he's dressed as a rabbit? No.
/ I'm dressed as Rylan, we should get 10.
And he came back fr Ferne McCann, it's the first time you've ever been on Celebrity Juice, in't it? It is, yeah.
Did you have a nice time? Yeah.
You smashed it tonight and I'll smash you later on.
I can tell you, the winning team is If I don't win, you can't smash me.
Oh, here we are.
Can we have, can we have an extra point if we put your chair in front and I bend down and look like that is making angry love to me? You know, like it's an older rabbit and he's going, "You'll learn your lesson, Vegas!" Go on, then.
Ah! Uh! Uh! Uh! At least you're making love to me properly and not looking at me.
(APPLAUSE) Johnny, that made absolutely no difference because the simple reason is, this week's winner is Holly's team.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Happy Easter! DIRE STRAITS - Walk of Life