It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s15e02 Episode Script

1
♪
- (DOOR OPENS)
- FRANK: This is unbelievable.
It's an outrage.
It's un American is what it is.
I thought this was a free country.
Free. This is censorship.
That's what it is.
What ever happened to free speech, huh?
You tell me that.
Frank, we're not inside your head, man.
We don't know what the
hell you're talking about.
Lethal Weapon 5 and 6 are gone.
Huh? What do you mean they're gone?
They removed them from the library.
- They got pulled?
- Yeah. The lady said they took them down
because of insensitivity.
Huh. Well, I'll be honest with you guys,
I'm not sure how we, uh,
talked the local library
- into displaying those movies in the first place.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- They were works of art.
Well, well, yeah, I mean,
they would've been works of art
had Mac not ruined them
with his blackface.
Okay. Look, uh,
my heart was in the right place,
and I-I-I feel awful about it now.
Look, you never should've
done it in the first place.
That was the whole point of the
conversation we were having.
- I told you not to do it, man.
- I know, I know, but, look,
I've done a lot of learning
over the past year, as we all have.
- That's true.
- We've also done a lot of growing.
- That's true.
- A lot of learning, a lot of growing,
- and a lot of being scared.
- DENNIS AND DEE: Yeah.
- Yeah.
- And, guys, fear is a great motivator to do the right thing.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, yeah. Frank, look, while it is, uh, awful
that they removed our movies,
I think it's probably
best in this instance
to just let sleeping dogs lie.
- DEE: Yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
We'll just put them in the past,
and we'll move on.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Guys, Lethal Weapon 5 and 6 are in the past.
- Right.
- MAC: Now we have
the path forward and the knowledge
- to do the right thing.
- Mm-hmm.
And I think it's obvious
what that right thing is.
Make Lethal Weapon 7.
- Yes.
- Absolutely. - Right?
- Let's get going on it.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- The show must go on, right?
- Yeah.
- ♪
-
DENNIS: You know, as we all know, guys,
our Lethal Weapon movies
were always intended
to be a trilogy that followed a trilogy,
plus a sequel,
but the most important thing
is making sure that this third
movie in a series of seven
can be seen and enjoyed by audiences
of today's moral and ethical standards.
- Mm-hmm.
- Right, because the-the first time
- we made that one mistake, and that was
- Mm-hmm.
Well, uh, actually two,
because you did blackface in the sequel.
- Oh.
- Ooh, right. The two mistakes.
Yeah, well, uh, so did Dee, actually.
Okay, so three, we three mistakes.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you've
also done multiple insensitive
characters in the past,
- you know, on and off-screen.
- You've played
I don't know if that's
going into the conversation
- we're having here.
- It should.
- Yeah, well, and Frank did red-face in
- What?
- That's also frowned upon.
- Oh, Christ Almighty.
- It's also frowned upon.
- Okay, you know what? Let's not Six, seven,
- eight, nine, ten mistakes. Guys, let's not get into it,
- FRANK: It wasn't red, it was brown.
because Hollywood
has a very clear moral code
- on mistakes. Okay, you get one, right?
- Mm-hmm.
Like Woody Allen, right? Roman Polanski.
One mistake and that was it.
Uh, no, actually, those guys continued
to make films for the next 40 years.
Oh. Uh, Bill Cosby.
Well, he made about 50 mistakes.
(CHUCKLES)
And-and I would actually argue that
all these things we're talking about,
they-they weren't so much mistakes
as they were violent sexual crimes.
- Yeah. You know,
- Right.
but either way, look, the point is,
I think we should make a few adjustments
to the script, you know,
and to our casting choices,
to make sure that this film is
palatable to a modern audience.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Okay, as long as I get
to bang the broad.
- Jesus.
- Uh, I think
we might want to avoid that, as well.
- How about a blow job then?
- Um
Look, a hand job
or I'm not paying for this.
- (GROANS)
- Ew.
That's a very important part
of the filmmaking process.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I ain't paying for it unless I get a hand job.
- CHARLIE: You don't even like hand jobs.
- Fine. You can get a hand job,
but it's got to be under
a towel or a blanket
because I don't want
to see your genitalia.
Can-can-can we just talk about
the elephant in the room?
Right? Let's talk about Murtaugh.
- Yes.
- Now, uh, obviously, I will not be playing Murtaugh
- in Lethal Weapon 7.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Yeah.
O-Okay.
I will be magnanimously
taking a step back.
- Right.
- CHARLIE: Yeah.
I feel like you're talking really slow
and taking a bunch of pauses.
I don't know what's going on.
I-I'm waiting for
you guys to praise me.
- CHARLIE: Uh, what?
- Why?
Oh, 'cause I'm doing
something anti-racist,
and I think I deserve praise
for that, do I not?
You don't get praise for telling
people you're not racist.
- Then why am I doing it?
- (GASPS)
Why don't we just move on
from this, guys?
- Uh, let's move past that.
- MAC: Yeah.
- Yeah. All right.
- Yeah. - Yes, please.
Let's make the movie.
- Let's make a movie!
- Let's dive in.
- Yeah, it's gonna be easy.
- Okay. Let's make a movie.
- It's gonna be fun.
- We're over, we're overthinking it.
(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT):
G'day, former partner.
Sorry I'm a little late.
I got stuck up on some
traffic on the 405.
Yeah, I got off at Sepulveda,
and then I-I made my
way over to Moorpark.
From there,
I sort of wiggled down to Tujunga,
then I ticky-tackied over to the,
to the Laurel Canyon.
Oh, my God, what is she doing?
That accent is terrible.
And what's with all the directions?
Why is she explaining so much?
- Well
- Oh, yeah.
W-We found that people had,
uh, no idea
where the characters
were in the first two,
so we thought we'd clear it up.
Everyone was confused about
where things were happening
and what things were happening.
- Where props came from, et cetera.
- Sure, sure.
- Well, hopefully, Murtaugh's good.
- Yeah.
Oh, who-who did you
wind up getting for that?
Oh, well, so,
Frank went under the bridge to get
a prostitute for his sex scene.
He talked the pimp
into playing Murtaugh,
so, you know,
some guy named Pepper Jack,
- or something like that. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Pepper Jack?
- Yeah, you know this guy?
- Yeah.
- CHARLIE: All right. - Oh, cool.
(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)
That's okay, partner.
I'm just glad you're here.
- Let's start the party now.
- Yeah.
Happy birthday, little baby ho.
I wish your ho mama
Riggs' wife and my daughter
could be here to see this,
but she died.
Run along and play, little bitch.
Have fun.
Now, this is all wrong.
I mean, he's playing it like a pimp.
Well, he is a pimp.
- So, give him the note.
- So, you
- Give him the note.
- Just tell him to tone it
(WHISPERS): Yeah,
tell him to tone it down.
- You mean
- Yeah.
- You guys can give it to him.
- No, you give it to him
- 'cause you're the director.
- Yeah.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh. What's that?
You know what? It's me phone.
It's been in my pocket the whole time.
Well, go ahead, answer it, bitch.
- Yeah. Okay.
- (PHONE BEEPS)
G'day. How you going?
Sorry to interrupt, boys.
I hope you're having
as much fun as I am.
I know we all enjoy
a big bang.
Wait, wait, wait.
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
This ain't working for me.
- It's not working for me.
- Cut. Okay.
- It's just not working.
- Okay, cut,
- cut, cut, cut, cut. No.
- FRANK: 'Cause, uh
- Guys, take five.
- Yeah, I say that.
I say, "Take five." Also, I say,
"Cut," guys, 'cause I am the,
- I'm the director.
- DENNIS: Okay, listen. Listen, Frank.
I agree. It's not working.
Okay, Dee is terrible.
Okay. She's terrible,
but it's not her, it's my thing.
I'm talking about Look,
like, first of all, it's just,
you know, I say, "Big bang."
I ain't even banging this chick.
Yeah, that's a good point.
It's continuity.
- Yeah.
- Okay. - Doesn't make sense.
You're right. Okay, maybe you could say,
"I'm sick of getting jerked around.
- I'm ready to explode."
- Yeah.
Look, I don't think it's too much to ask
for me to have a little real stuff.
DENNIS: Okay, listen, Frank,
you should not be actually
having sex with anybody.
It's called acting, Dennis.
- No. (STAMMERS) Mm.
- Marlon Brando
got to jam butter up
his costar's orifice
against her will and got
nominated for an Oscar.
We could make this more
of an art house film.
- I'm open to it.
- (SIGHS) She is a prostitute, so I don't know
- what the rules are
- I don't want butter to get involved.
- It's gonna get Oh.
- PEPPER JACK: Uh, excuse me, gents.
CHARLIE: Yeah, uh
So, uh, how'd I do?
- Oh, Mac. Yeah, you were, uh
- Yeah, Mac had a note.
- You were gonna give some notes.
- Yes. Uh, yes. Uh
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's this? Now, I hope you're not, uh,
hating on Pepper Jack's flow?
No. No, no, I'm not hating on your
I mean, I feel, like,
I'm-I'm in the way here.
- Are my headphones working?
- Well, you guys, you're not in the way.
- Are yours, are yours working?
- You guys are Yeah.
Um, no. I-I think what
Your flow is great.
I think what you're doing's great.
The thing is, maybe this next take,
you could do it a little bit more
A little more
- Pepper Jack.
- Yeah.
A little bit more Pepper Jack.
- That's what I was thinking.
- Okay.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Well, okay then.
- Now we cooking. All right.
- Okay. We're cooking.
- Thank you, Pepper Jack. Thank you.
- Hey, no problem, man.
- Little more Pepper Jack.
- DENNIS: Hey, man,
you didn't give him the note.
Yeah. Well
Guys, look, I-I just don't think
we should be silencing Black voices.
Guys, there's a larger issue
at play here,
and that is that all the
people of color that we know
are people of the bridges
and the streets, okay?
Look, they're pimps and prostitutes,
which, I tell you,
says a lot more about us
than it does about them,
that's for sure.
- That's not a great look.
- That's not
We're gonna have to do
some real soul-searching.
- We should really open up our
- DENNIS: Yeah, absolutely.
We got to dig real
deep into our contacts,
and we got to find, like,
diverse voices that don't
- Yeah.
- Uh, oh, guys, actually,
I think I know how to kill
two birds with one stone.
Thank you for the opportunity,
and I'm hip to your hustle.
Bringing a woman of
color to spice things up.
Eh?
Wait, where-where is she?
Where is she?
The woman of color? Is right here.
You're a woman of color?
Yeah, I'm Persian.
That's the ethnicity from Iran. Hello?
- (CHUCKLES) He's, uh, ignorant.
- Anyway,
there's a dearth of Iranian
female directors, so thank you.
Uh
Yeah, uh, to be clear,
you will be the assistant director.
Okay, we'll see.
Now, let's talk about payment.
I will accept the following things:
coins, cash,
checks,
food, vape pens,
pens in general, scissors.
Sure. Let's-let's move on from this.
Uh, guys, uh
I made a few changes to the script
because Dee was, well, she was terrible.
Oh, I could see that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I sent her out to lunch,
and I'd like to shoot
before she gets back.
- So can we do that?
- Let's do this.
Let's shoot.
Okay, guys, let's get to places.
Okay, guys, let's get to places.
- Uh, well, I That's what the director
- Well, let's get to places.
Let's get to places.
Director in the house.
- Okay, fine. I'll give the note.
- Can you just let her speak?
- Well, you Okay. Uh, yes.
- Can you let her speak?
- (JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS)
-
CHARLIE: Wow.
Good day, former partner.
Sorry I'm late.
I-I got a little up-jammed
traffic on the 504, uh, 450,
on the highway.
Uh, I got off on "Spelly-ba-da,"
but I took that all the
way down to Moorpark.
And then I took that down
to "Ta-ca-ha" Cucamonga.
And then I tackied all the way
over to Laurel Canyon. Ticky.
Uh, this is gonna be
tough to cut around.
(SIGHS) Artemis, did-did you give
Pepper Jack the note?
Yes. Yeah, I simply asked him
if he's ever been to a
child's birthday party.
He said yes.
I said, "Take us to that place.
Make it authentic to your experience."
What?
What do you mean this is not my kid?
Are you motherfuckers kidding me?
I've been paying child
support for five years,
and Pepper Jack's
pullout game is strong.
So, if I don't get
some answers real fast,
Pepper Jack about to cut all of y'all.
Oh. Oh, shit.
MAC: Go with it, Charlie. We can use it.
What's next? Come on. The phone.
The phone. The phone.
We're going to the phone bit.
- MAC: Fix it, Charlie. Fix it.
- All right, yeah.
Oh, man, I would cut,
I would cut someone, too. Damn.
- Yeah, I'm sure you do have a good pullout game, Pepper Jack.
- (PHONE RINGING)
Uh-oh. What's that? This is phone,
- that I've whole had on me this time.
- (PHONE BEEPS)
Uh, hello, who's this?
It's Charlie uh, Riggs.
Sorry to interrupt, boys.
- I hope you're having as much
- Honey, what is the matter?
Uh, I'm fine. Keep going, keep going.
I don't think your dick work.
He might need an anal stimulant.
Candy, get the butter!
No! No butter.
There's no butter involved.
What about the Brando thing, Frank?
- It don't work the other way.
- Yeah, it does.
PEPPER JACK: Uh, Frank?
You gonna have to pay Pepper Jack,
whether you bust a nut or not.
You understand that, don't you?
I don't know what's happening.
Are we still in the scene?
That's my Fraggle Rock thermos.
He stole that from me.
Wh What's this?
- Are you guys shooting without me?
- Dee's here.
- C-Cut.
- Goddamn it, Dee!
- Cut.
- Yeah, cut. - Cut.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Goddamn it, Dennis.
- Let's take a five, everybody.
- Let's take a five.
Listen. Guys, none of this is working.
You think we got to fire Pepper Jack?
No, no, no, no, no. His anger
and intensity are-are good, you know?
Just not for this role. (SIGHS)
I think we need to recast Murtaugh.
We need someone lovable,
someone versatile,
someone with the skill, range,
and talent of one of the best
actors of our generation.
We need Don Cheadle.
You know Don Cheadle?
No. But I know the guy that plays him.
- (JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)
-
Hey, partner. Happy you made it.
Oh, sorry I'm late. People be driving
like bitches on the 405.
- (CHUCKLES)
- And my level of intensity
is because I am crazy on
account of my wife's murder.
In case anybody is feeling
uncomfortable about it.
I think this is working.
This is, like, way better.
That's okay. I'm just glad you're here.
(CHUCKLES) Man Whew.
We getting too old for this shit, huh?
PEPPER JACK: Well, yeah, we are.
Hey. Happy birthday, baby girl.
Now, I
I
I-I know I haven't
always been there for you,
but I want you to know I'm always,
always with you.
Right here.
In your heart.
(CRYING)
- Whoa, he's really good.
- He's good.
- He's really good.
- He's the he's a real actor.
- He's the real deal.
- Okay. Here comes our new villain, guys.
Fingers crossed it works.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hold that thought, son.
My shit be blowing up.
- Talk to me.
- Excuse me?
What are you doing in this
park in my neighborhood?
Who is this, bitch?
It's Karen. Karen White.
And I live in this neighborhood,
and I am sure that you do not.
And if you don't leave right now,
I will call the police,
and I will tell them you attacked me.
I just don't understand
how this is a villain.
Well, one of the last socially
acceptable groups to villainize
- are entitled white women.
- Mm.
It's just, like,
making me uncomfortable.
You know what I mean?
- It's not fun, is it?
- It's no fun.
- No. She's a cunt. She's a cunt.
- You want our movie to be fun.
She's a little bit cunty.
It's just too real.
Damn it, guys.
I really wanted this to work.
I really did, but maybe putting up
any group of people
as villains these days
- is potentially problematic. I don't know.
- Yeah.
Maybe-maybe villains
shouldn't be people at all, huh?
Wait, you're totally right. Right?
Like wh Like what
if we make the villain,
like, a big dog or something, right?
Or a bunch of raccoons
stacked up in a trench coat?
You know? (GASPS)
Or a trench coat full
of bees flying around?
- Like, that would scare me. Imagine seeing that.
- Bees! Bees are cool.
- Bees are scary.
- What about,
like, a plague? An act of God.
All the best villains in
the Bible were acts of God.
- A tsunami.
- (OVERLAPPING AGREEMENTS)
Ooh, but, you know what?
Let's call it a tidal wave.
That feels less racially charged.
- Yeah. Right, right.
- I don't want to say that
I don't want to say that
all waves are Asian.
Yeah, you want to make sure
that waves are, you know
- Just neutral.
- Yeah. Not-not culturally
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER, AGREEMENT)
- That's good, that's good.
- Um
- (JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)
-
Hey, happy birthday, baby girl.
I know I haven't always
been there for you.
But
I'm always with you.
Right here,
in your heart.
- (CRYING)
- (PHONE RINGING)
Uh, h-hold all that crying, man.
Let me I-I
My shit be blowing up.
Yeah, yeah. Go on.
Oh. It says, "Look behind you."
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- Oh, no!
Tidal wave! Where'd that come from?
Well, no country specifically.
Just an act of God, I guess.
No God specifically, just the universe
or whatever.
- This is a piece of shit.
- (MAC SIGHS) - Yeah.
- I can't work like this.
- No. (STAMMERS)
We can't even get past the first scene.
Well, I don't know what the
point of making a movie is
- if we can't even be in it.
- Yeah, or bang whores.
All right, guys, listen.
We can still do this.
Okay, what about this?
What if Riggs and Murtaugh
start to shoot out a path
so that the tidal wave moves
to a field that's been
decimated by climate change.
- That doesn't even make any sense.
- Climate change? That's so dumb.
That sucks, man.
I don't want to watch that movie.
Guys, I know it's not great, all right?
But it's the right thing to do,
and we have to do the right thing.
Since when do you care
about doing the right thing?
Guys, guys, listen, listen.
Over the course of the last year,
I've learned to listen,
to not talk, to grow.
Guys, I'm woke.
Okay? Now, let me tell you
how I reached this awakening.
I was on a date, and, as usual,
I fibbed about my age a bit
so I could score a younger prospect.
The woman was in her 20s, and the date
was going quite well, or so I thought.
It becomes just, like, so clear
that the patriarchy
is-is really just an
off-shoot of privilege.
(STAMMERS) Uh, 100%. Yeah.
No, I Yeah. Um
You know,
you have the most beautiful eyes.
Thanks. D (CHUCKLES)
Don't you agree with what
I was just saying, though?
Abso Yeah. Tot I mean, yeah.
(STAMMERS) Whatever.
- Whatever?
- Listen, can
can we just keep this light, you know?
I'm-I'm less interested in politics
and more interested in
what makes you tick.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you're gross. God.
DENNIS: The young generation
on the left seemed to
be a tough nut to crack,
so I turned my attention
to the youth of the right.
Socialists are ripping away our freedom.
- Totally.
- It's a slippery slope until we are living
in a failed welfare state.
Right. Hey, what do you say
we get out of here
and get into our own slippery state?
You know what I mean, Lisa?
- No.
- I'm talking about us banging,
you conservative little minx.
Pig.
DENNIS: I was learning.
This generation is more socially active
on both sides of the aisle, so
this time, I engaged.
- I mean, don't you agree?
- Yes.
We need to allow others
a chance to speak for once.
Well, yes, but even by saying, "Allow,"
you're implying that
you have all the power.
Uh, but I thought you were
saying I did have the power?
Are you twisting my words?
No. I'm just, uh
(CHUCKLES) I'm just trying to understand
what the hell you're talking about.
I-I can't follow.
(SCOFFS) See? This is exactly
what old people always do.
- Old people?
- Uh-huh.
I'm 26.
DENNIS: But my rational thinking
and my desire
for an open dialogue
were a dead giveaway.
It was all starting to make sense.
See, this generation
doesn't even understand
half the shit that they're saying.
They aren't more ethical than us.
They just want to be perceived as such.
And who could blame them?
I mean, they've spent
their entire adult lives
only 280 characters away
from being tweeted into oblivion.
Either way,
I took a new tack
We need to use our privilege
as much as we possibly
can to protect people.
How can you not see that?
We need to use our privilege
to protect people as much as we can.
How can I not see that?
- Because if we don't, who will?
- Because if we don't, who will?
Exactly. What we need is a revolution.
Exactly. What we need is a revolution.
DENNIS:
Simply regurgitating back to them
exactly what they're
saying to each other
in their ridiculous echo chambers
is all they want.
And then, we can get what we want.
ANNA: Yes, Daddy! (MOANING)
- Daddy!
- (GROANING)
(ANNA PANTING)
DENNIS: Oh, also
they're riddled with insecurity
and have serious daddy issues,
so that helps.
Guys, we have to listen to the young.
Otherwise, we are doomed to have sex
with only old people
for the rest of our lives,
and I won't do that.
- No.
- Right.
Oh, my God.
I never thought about that, man.
So, you know what I say?
Finger on the pulse, finger on the puss.
Ew.
- Ew.
- That's gross.
- I see what you're saying now.
- So-so what do we do?
I'll tell you exactly
what we're gonna do.
(QUIETLY): All right.
Uh, hi.
- Hey, hey.
- DENNIS: Uh, Mr
Cheadle Uh, Donovan McNabb
T-Tiger Woods, Elvin
whatev-whatever your name is.
Um, listen,
we have, uh, we have come
to the conclusion that, um,
you and only you have the knowledge,
the experience and the-the
authenticity to tell this story.
So, we are gonna do the right thing.
We're gonna, we're gonna
do the woke thing,
and hand complete creative control
over to you
I feel like you were
gonna say something else?
- Well
- I think he was waiting for the applause.
Well (CHUCKLES)
Oh. Okay? Uh
- Oh, yeah! Yay!
- Sure, sure.
If you must.
It's nice when it happens, isn't it?
- Feels nice.
- Sure. Nice when it happens naturally.
When it happens naturally, I like it.
Yeah, um, listen, the point is,
we want you to know that we are allies.
Great.
- Okay?
- We are allies.
- MAC: We are your allies.
- Up top. - Allies!
- Yes, yes, yes.
- (WHOOPING)
- We're on your side.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
GEOFFREY: But were they?
Lethal Weapon 7 was
destined to be an inferno
of quasi-wokeness and, uh,
good old-fashioned racism.
(CHUCKLES) Out of the, uh,
smoldering ashes, however,
I pieced together
a cautionary tale.
An exploration,
not of what is gained by learning,
but of what is lost
by staying ignorant.
- (EXPLOSION)
-
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)
Thank you. Thank you so much. Wow.
Oh, my God. This is so humiliating.
Where does he get off telling our story
without even including us at all?
And he made us look like assholes.
- I feel used.
- I feel misunderstood.
What does he know about our experience?
Yeah. I'll tell you,
there's only one thing left to do.
Make Lethal Weapon 8?
- Yup.
- Yeah, right?
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER, AGREEMENT)
Yes. Yes!
- I'll play Murtaugh.
- Goddamn it, Mac.
- I-I'll play Murtaugh.
- No! No, no, no, no.
- Did you not watch the
- I'll do it good.
♪
(TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS)