Live at The Apollo (2004) s15e02 Episode Script
Sindhu Vee, Alex Edelman, Lou Sanders
1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight Sindhu Vee! Reach out and touch faith MUSIC: Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode Hello, hello, hello! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Apollo CHEERING .
.
which I am hosting like a boss.
That's right.
Today, before I was due to come here, I was having a meal with my children.
I was waiting for my taxi.
And, as my taxi arrived, because my phone went "bing", my youngest child - sitting opposite me, very small child - she looked at me and she went, "Bleurgh" and she projectile vomited at me the way small children do.
Have you seen this? Small children, they vomit like this.
They don't vomit like this.
Why? Because they're too stupid to know about gravity.
They vomit like this.
Right? And then she continued to vomit the way small children do, which is very stupidly, right? Because they get overwhelmed by what is a natural biological response.
Right? They go, "Bleurgh" and then they're like, "Huh-ha-hah!" And it's splashing in their face and choking.
I have always looked at a small child when it is throwing up and thought, "What are you doing?" Just vomit.
And then my teenage son was in the room and he looked at his sister and went, "Oh, mate" I was like, "No, no, no, you hold it.
" And then our middle child, well, our middle child, she's quite fractured because she's the middle one.
I haven't done it.
The other two have done it.
She's always complaining that we don't pay as much attention to her as we do to her siblings.
Any middle children here who feel that way? AUDIENCE WHOOPS It's a thing, right? She's always complaining, and it's completely absurd.
I mean, as a parent, you care equally about all of your children.
And then there was some noise.
I looked down.
There she was.
"Agh!" I'm like, "Yes, yes, whatever.
" Anyway LAUGHTER Ridiculous, and I looked at this and I was like, "Oh, vomit and tears and mayhem.
This is catastrophic.
" Of course, I didn't say that to my children.
To them, I said, "You guys, my Uber is here.
" LAUGHTER "So I'm going to go.
" And I left.
LAUGHTER Because that phrase, "Well, my Uber's here," it is the get-out phrase of our times, right? How many people here have used that phrase just to leave a situation you didn't want to be in any more? Yeah, exactly.
Because when you say, "Well, my Uber's here," what do people say? They say, "OK, man, you'd better go.
" No-one ever checks your phone.
LAUGHTER They say, "OK, go.
" It's such a great phrase.
I feel like if ISIS kidnapped me and took me into some dark cave and was, I don't know what, but let's go with pummelling the shit out of me and my phone when "bing" and I said, "Oh, my Uber's here," they'd be like, "Ah! Habibi, please go.
" So I'm delighted to be here because you're great, but it's also much better than the alternative.
Anyway Recently, someone said to me, "Well, with all that's going on in the world now, Sindhu, "surely on stage you're talking more about politics?" I'm not a political comic, so I said, "No, why should I?" And then they said, "Because you're a brown woman.
"That's very political.
" What? I mean, why, as a brown woman, can I not just care about my own shit? LAUGHTER Why do I have to care about well, frankly, what is your shit.
You know? And also, as a brown woman, I did my homework right up top.
When I moved to this country, 20 odd years ago, I applied for and got a UK passport like this.
And then - and then - I married a European.
Hello! Two for two.
So, for those of you who are floundering now, well, you snooze, you fucking lose.
All right? But it's not that I don't think about politics, and it's not that I don't worry about politics.
Of course I do.
When the Brexit vote happened, I called my mother - she lives in India - and I was so upset, I was crying and I said, "I don't know what's going to happen in the future, Mummy," "and the kids, and what about us?" And my mother said, "Oh, just shut up.
"Your life could be much worse even without the Brexit, you know?" And I said, "How?" She said, "Well, you could be dead, "husband could marry the pretty lady and she could be very cruel to your kids.
" LAUGHTER "What?!" Then I was like, "First of all, Mummy, that is very specific.
All right? "And second of all, who is THE pretty lady?" But I tell you what, immediately stopped thinking about politics and started thinking about my husband.
I have been married for over a decade, which means for over a decade I have been working with this man.
I have been working on this man.
And, Apollo, I won't lie to you, I have been manipulating the shit out of this man to make him a mildly agreeable spouse.
And I'm going to die and some bitch is going to inherit that? No.
No, no, no.
LAUGHTER No, it's all mine.
So I went and found my husband.
He was reading and I said, "Hey, hey, if I die all of a sudden, "are you going to get married again?" My husband said, "What? Wait What are we talking about?" And I was like, "Oh, my God, you're stalling!" I mean, this is a yes or no question.
So, I said to him, "Listen to me.
Before you make up any more lies, "let me tell you the correct answer to this question.
"You please memorise it.
"First of all, if I die all of a sudden, you mourn me "every single day of the week.
"Second of all, there is a giant picture of me in the hall "and every time you pass the picture, "you stop and you do Namaste to that picture.
" LAUGHTER "And if the kids are round, you call them over, you gather them up "and you all cry a little bit.
" And, then, because my husband knows me very well, he said, "Oh, yeah, fine.
Erm, have you been talking to your mother?" But here's the thing about being married a very long time - you get to know each other so well, right? I mean, my husband knows me well, I know my husband so well at this point that we can have a full-blown argument from start to finish and he's not even home! You know? So, this year, I have been married 21 years.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I know it looks like I could have been a child bride, which, where I'm from, totally possible.
Anyway I wasn't a child bride.
Anyway, so, er, 21 years.
And here's what I've learned in 21 years That to stay married and stay happy - because it's not naturally the same thing - to stay married and stay happy, what you must do is keep your focus on what is important.
Keep your focus on what is important.
Let everything else fall away.
See, I'll explain.
The other day, my husband and I were having an argument, a face-to-face one, the one where he's actually at home.
We're having an argument and, er, well, I mean, I say argument.
The fact is, after 21 years, my husband and I don't really have arguments.
We have throw downs.
You know throw down? Like MMA level.
Do you know what MMA is, sir? Yeah.
Marriage martial arts.
Proper MMA.
No matter what the topic, my husband and I both always bring it for everything because we know that after 21 years and three kids, nobody's fucking going anywhere.
Right? We are just trying to get to the end of this somehow.
LAUGHTER And, also, you should know, like I told you when I arrived here, I got a UK passport.
My husband is Scandinavian.
He didn't bother.
And then we were having this argument and he was like, "I don't understand why you didn't do it this way.
" And I said, "Really? What I don't understand is why you don't "fuck off back where you came from.
" SCATTERED APPLAUSE Apollo, I cannot lie to you.
It felt pretty good! Oh, my God.
What a great phrase! I am totally on board with it now.
Knock yourselves out! Such a good feeling it gives you afterwards, you know? The problem was it bothered our children a little bit.
Because we were having lunch.
It was Sunday.
Our youngest child, she said, "Oh, no, Mama said the F word.
" And I said, "Oh, darling, you're right, I did.
"But you know what? "When you grow up and meet the man of your dreams, so will you.
" LAUGHTER And then my teenage son said something - but let me explain, ladies and gentlemen.
Between 45% to 85% of what this child says, I don't understand.
Because he's a teenager.
He just looked at me and said, "Why so salty, bro?" What is this? And then our middle child, apart from being somewhat fractured, she's also very woke by which I mean she doesn't understand the difference between racism and a joke about racism.
So she got very upset and she said, "You can't say that to Dad, that's racist.
" I said, "Racist? Look at my face.
"I can't be racist.
"Everybody knows only white people are racist!" Oh, she got angry.
She stomped out of the room and I was like, "Oh, come on, darling! "Sorry, it was a joke.
I know, you're half white.
Oops.
" LAUGHTER Listen, I didn't say that to my husband because I'm racist, I said that to my husband because I'm .
.
married.
And anyone who's been married any length of time - five, seven, eight, nine minutes - it doesn't matter .
.
you know what the most important thing is.
It is to? Win.
Yeah.
If you want to stay married and stay happy, you must always be trying to win.
And, by the way, this is not a narrow, ego-based, selfish goal.
Not at all.
See, when you win, you'll feel better about yourself.
Am I right? Yeah.
You feel better about yourself.
You feel better about the rest of the world.
You are a nicer person.
You are a better spouse.
You do it for the health of the unit.
LAUGHTER It is almost selfless, frankly.
Always trying to find a way to win for the sake of the unit.
Let me tell you, there's so many techniques.
I'll give you one more, which iswhen the correct occasion presents itself, very casually make sure you lie to your spouse.
OK? But the key is the correct occasion.
Don't lie about lightweight rubbish like, "I didn't eat the last Hobnob.
" Nobody cares.
It is a biscuit! But, equally, don't swing to the other extreme and lie about really important stuff.
Like, "What? Of course.
No! "This IS your daughter.
" No.
Lie on the correct occasions.
The sweet spot.
Stuff like, er OK - "What? Oh, honey, I booked our holiday that week, "I had absolutely no idea your mother was coming.
" And the reason you lie like this is, when you do this, you keep your spouse mildly destabilised at all times.
Right? And then you have more power.
More power, higher chance of? Winning.
Which you do for the health of the? Unit.
There you go.
Simple.
Now, I know for a fact that there are married people in the audience and you're thinking, "She's really funny "but we're so honest with each other, "that's not how my marriage works.
" You're thinking that, right? Yeah.
Well, the reason you think that is because you are the loser.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Thank you so much, you guys.
Thank you.
So now let me ask you this.
Are you ready to meet your first comedian of the evening? CHEERING Very good, so please make a lot of noise for the very funny, the very lovely Alex Edelman! MUSIC Oh! Well, hello! CHEERING How are you guys doing, all right? Thank you so much for having me.
My name's Alex.
I'm a Jewish person.
I'm a Jew.
Hello.
And a big Jew, Orthodox Jew, observant Jew.
I went to Big Jewish upbringing - went to a Jewish school, went to a synagogue growing up, I went to a Jewish camp the good kind.
LAUGHTER I remember the first time I was aware of being Jewish.
I should have been aware, like, eight days in but you're not really around when they LAUGHTER I was at a children's birthday party - not for my circumcision, I mean, like a different time.
That would be an awful children's birthday party! Your kid came home and you're like, "How was the party?" And he was like, "That was the worst magician I've ever seen.
"And the goody bags were fucked.
" I was at a children's birthday party.
I'm, like, five or six years old and I reach for a slice of pizza that had some sausage on it.
My grandfather was there and he slapped my hand away and he said, "You can't have that.
We're Jewish.
" And I said, "What does that mean?" And I'll never forget this.
He went, "It means you'll never be happy.
" And I said, "What?" He said, "Yeah.
" My dad runs over and he scoops me up cos I'm starting to cry already and he's like, "Thanks a lot, Ted!" "OK.
What your grandfather what your mother's father means "is that Oh, God "You'll be part of this tradition of questioning things "and you'll always want things to be better for people "who are less fortunate than you, "and you'll never be satisfied with status quo "that's unacceptable.
" But I'm a child and he's an academic, so I'm not buying any of this.
So I start crying hysterically and I went, "I don't want to be Jewish!" and my grandfather, who's still there, just went, "And that's the most Jewish thing there is.
" By the way, I have a lot of love for my grandfather but I think, like It's a tough time to be a young person in the world right now.
I think it's a tough time, and here's why.
I was writing on a TV show last year.
At the end of the show, when it was cancelled, I checked my bank balance on my phone.
And on my phone, I saw that I had $5,421.
Not to brag! And this is how little I know about being an adult.
I saw the bank balance on the screen and I thought to myself, with no irony "I should buy a house.
" Not a big house! One of those small $5,000 houses.
How is any millennial ever going to own a home? How is any young person ever going to own a home? It seems impossible.
It's made me hate old people.
I see a few of you in here tonight.
I hate you! LAUGHTER Cos every old person in a city like London or LA or New York is the same.
They're like, "My house is worth £2 million, but when I bought it "in 1981, I paid 11 raspberries for it!" And every young person's like, "I have nine roommates! "One has a dog with rabies.
"We'd love to get him out but his name is on the lease!" And every old person's like, "I'm a librarian with a country home in the Cotswolds" Go fuck yourself! And then there's criticism of young people.
They're like, "Young people live on their phones.
"It's the only place we can afford to live.
" LAUGHTER CHEERING I can enjoy certain television shows.
Like, I was watching SpongeBob Square Pants with a younger cousin - two years younger.
We love the classics! And I'm getting angrier and angrier because I'm watching SpongeBob and I'm thinking, this sponge owns his own pineapple! This sponge owns a two-storey pineapple.
Oh, he must be a banker.
He's not a banker.
He works in a fast food restaurant.
And his neighbour, who works with him in the restaurant, lives in an Easter Island head.
That's a listed building.
There's no way he can afford that! By the way, I love the UK.
My absolute favourite thing about the UK is Greggs.
That is my favourite thing that you guys have going for you.
Greggs.
Greggs The Baker.
It is so good! Yes! Here's why.
Greggs doesn't pretend to be anything else.
It knows what it is.
You walk in, they're like, "Hi!" "Welcome to Greggs.
What food would you like to eat?" And you're gross cos you're in a Greggs so you're like, "Can I have 12 doughnuts for a pound, please?" "Yeah.
Do you want a Diet Coke with that? It is breakfast.
" Here's how Greggs got started.
Someone kicked in the door to a board meeting and was like, "Hey, everybody! Hey, idiots! "Let's sell pastries.
"But not good pastries.
" And everyone was like .
.
"Gregg ".
.
no-one's going to buy crap pastry.
" And he's like, "We'll see about that.
" "I'll build an empire!" And he did, and it's a masterpiece.
And you're the same as the people who work there.
You're unhappy.
They're unhappy.
You're gross.
They're gross.
You're not wearing gloves.
They're not wearing gloves.
You guys have been so great.
I'm Alex Edelman.
Enjoy your evening, good night.
Alex Edelman, everybody! So, are we ready for the second act of the evening? CHEERING Wonderful.
Well, please welcome to the stage the very lovely, the very wonderful Lou Sanders! MUSIC: Black Magic by Little Mix # Take a sip of my secret potion I'll make you fall in love # For a spell that can't be broken One drop should be enough # Boy, you belong to me I've got the recipe Hello! Woo! Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Lovely to be here.
I used to be, and this is going to sound really braggy, but I used to be Honestly, I used to be the prettiest, cleverest girl in my class.
But I was home-schooled, so LAUGHTER I wasn't that academic at school, actually, but I loved philosophy and I still love philosophy.
Like, I'm always thinking about life's big questions.
The other day I was thinking, "What if all this time, it WAS Shaggy?" LAUGHTER I, erm, I've been on a man ban.
Well, it's over now, I can't stress that enough.
Let the dog see the rabbit.
I had, like, commitment issues with guys, I would say, so I went through a phase where I'd go out with men, like, way younger than me.
I think just because they're around.
They're not married.
They don't know any better.
And they're easier to catfish.
Erm How do you know if a man is too young for you? I'll tell you this, this is something I learnt.
OK, you're out and about, you're on the town, and he just asks you to buy him a choccy milkshake.
LAUGHTER That actually happened! Then I went back to his - I know, I went back anyway! His hand soap at his flat was jelly baby flavoured! Ooh, mama got to go! After she's slept with you! Right.
I think we're screwed in a way.
I think we've all become so vain and narcissistic.
I think Instagram is the death of us.
Having said that, do follow me online cos I'm very funny.
LAUGHTER I don't mind when people are thirsty on the Gram, we all want attention, right, but what is interesting at the moment is there's a sort of trend to be sort of narcissistic but to pretend it's for charity, you know, or to pretend it's about a cause.
There was a guy on Instagram the other day, right, top's-off selfie, flexing his muscles I think he'd oiled up as well for the occasion.
Fine.
Live your life.
So, he's like that.
Fine.
But then underneath, what he'd written was, "Can we just talk about mental health?" Yes, but can you pop a top on? Because I'm finding it hard to focus! But I get it.
I just think that if you want to be, like, thirsty be thirsty.
Say, "Oh, you can see my nipples in "picture four - have a lovely time.
" I'm having a gawp at that.
Lovely! If you want to talk about feminism, maybe now and again put a picture of someone else up.
Put a picture of Anita Hill up, the African-American human rights lawyer who changed rape laws.
Yes, for the better.
And, no, I didn't know who Anita Hill was before this bit and that's because she's not being thirsty on the Gram so I do see OK, get ready for this.
The person who put me on the man ban was my healer.
Big word for a comedy show.
Let's dial it down and call her an energy worker.
I know it's not relatable when you mention your healer.
I do know that.
Give me a cheer if you've got a healer! AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS Two people have! We haven't got time.
But look how well-balanced she sounded! Agh! It works! No, I have got a healer and she's called Jill in the Pyrenees.
Well, she's called Jill.
She lives in the Pyrenees, I call her "Jill in the Pyrenees" because you can be spiritual and have a bit of fun.
OK? And I don't go to the Pyrenees.
I just WhatsApp audio call her cos energy works through space and time and that's quantum physics, OK? Don't make me explain it.
So, Jill in the Pyrenees put me on a man ban, right? At the start of it, I was like, "What? I can't even get off with anyone? Even if they put "the Fugees album on and tell me I'm different to other girls?" She said yeah.
I think she actually said, "Correctomundo.
" Because you can be spiritual and have a bit of fun.
And about six months into the man ban, I met this guy, there was a bit of a vibe, right? And he wasn't my normal type, like not even in a band.
And I said to Jill, "Look, this guy's making me dinner, "can I sleep with him?" And this is honestly what Jill said.
Jill said, "No, you cannot sleep with him, "but you can give him a BJ.
" "Om shanti, love and light.
" Isn't that lovely? I didn't even use it, but it's nice it's there in case of emergencies.
Right.
And then it was about ten, 11 months into the ban and nothing had happened - no kissing, no nothing - and I said to Jill, "Look, I'm getting a bit fed up.
Like, I'm a human being.
I'm flesh and bones.
" I said, "Look, is there going to be any sort of movement in that area?" And this is what Jill said.
She said, "The angels" I know! She said, "The angels are just purifying your sacral chakra.
" We've all been there.
Classic case of.
She said, "The angels are just purifying your sacral chakra," she said, "so don't put anything up there for the moment.
" And the weirdest thing of all is my first thought was, "Ah, that does make sense.
Thank you, Jill.
" Because there was a lot to purify because in the noughties, I was an absolute massive legend LAUGHTER I was a slut but I was doing it for feminism! You're welcome.
I did, I slept around a lot when I was younger and I honestly thought I was doing it for feminism cos my brother could do what he wanted and he wasn't judged or shamed and women were held to a different regard.
And I thought, "The patriarchy won't tell me what to do, thank you! "I will sleep with more people" Thank you! Very damaging time! Not cos sex is bad, but bad sex is bad, you know? And at that age, you don't know what you want, you don't know how to ask for it, and sometimes you're just doing it because the arcades are closed.
And, looking back now, I don't know how much it did for the movement.
LAUGHTER "Lou, have you read Third Wave Feminism, A Critique?" "I'm sorry, Sandra.
"I'm busy out here doing my own work in the field!" LAUGHTER But I will say this before I go.
I read a statistic recently that 30% of men - that's quite a lot, have a look around - 30% of men have paid for sex.
That's so many, isn't it? Because I've not received a penny.
LAUGHTER You've been so lovely.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lou Sanders, everybody! Please give it up for both the acts you saw this evening, Alex Edelman and Lou Sanders! Thank you! And I have been your host, Sindhu Vee.
Good night and God bless!
.
which I am hosting like a boss.
That's right.
Today, before I was due to come here, I was having a meal with my children.
I was waiting for my taxi.
And, as my taxi arrived, because my phone went "bing", my youngest child - sitting opposite me, very small child - she looked at me and she went, "Bleurgh" and she projectile vomited at me the way small children do.
Have you seen this? Small children, they vomit like this.
They don't vomit like this.
Why? Because they're too stupid to know about gravity.
They vomit like this.
Right? And then she continued to vomit the way small children do, which is very stupidly, right? Because they get overwhelmed by what is a natural biological response.
Right? They go, "Bleurgh" and then they're like, "Huh-ha-hah!" And it's splashing in their face and choking.
I have always looked at a small child when it is throwing up and thought, "What are you doing?" Just vomit.
And then my teenage son was in the room and he looked at his sister and went, "Oh, mate" I was like, "No, no, no, you hold it.
" And then our middle child, well, our middle child, she's quite fractured because she's the middle one.
I haven't done it.
The other two have done it.
She's always complaining that we don't pay as much attention to her as we do to her siblings.
Any middle children here who feel that way? AUDIENCE WHOOPS It's a thing, right? She's always complaining, and it's completely absurd.
I mean, as a parent, you care equally about all of your children.
And then there was some noise.
I looked down.
There she was.
"Agh!" I'm like, "Yes, yes, whatever.
" Anyway LAUGHTER Ridiculous, and I looked at this and I was like, "Oh, vomit and tears and mayhem.
This is catastrophic.
" Of course, I didn't say that to my children.
To them, I said, "You guys, my Uber is here.
" LAUGHTER "So I'm going to go.
" And I left.
LAUGHTER Because that phrase, "Well, my Uber's here," it is the get-out phrase of our times, right? How many people here have used that phrase just to leave a situation you didn't want to be in any more? Yeah, exactly.
Because when you say, "Well, my Uber's here," what do people say? They say, "OK, man, you'd better go.
" No-one ever checks your phone.
LAUGHTER They say, "OK, go.
" It's such a great phrase.
I feel like if ISIS kidnapped me and took me into some dark cave and was, I don't know what, but let's go with pummelling the shit out of me and my phone when "bing" and I said, "Oh, my Uber's here," they'd be like, "Ah! Habibi, please go.
" So I'm delighted to be here because you're great, but it's also much better than the alternative.
Anyway Recently, someone said to me, "Well, with all that's going on in the world now, Sindhu, "surely on stage you're talking more about politics?" I'm not a political comic, so I said, "No, why should I?" And then they said, "Because you're a brown woman.
"That's very political.
" What? I mean, why, as a brown woman, can I not just care about my own shit? LAUGHTER Why do I have to care about well, frankly, what is your shit.
You know? And also, as a brown woman, I did my homework right up top.
When I moved to this country, 20 odd years ago, I applied for and got a UK passport like this.
And then - and then - I married a European.
Hello! Two for two.
So, for those of you who are floundering now, well, you snooze, you fucking lose.
All right? But it's not that I don't think about politics, and it's not that I don't worry about politics.
Of course I do.
When the Brexit vote happened, I called my mother - she lives in India - and I was so upset, I was crying and I said, "I don't know what's going to happen in the future, Mummy," "and the kids, and what about us?" And my mother said, "Oh, just shut up.
"Your life could be much worse even without the Brexit, you know?" And I said, "How?" She said, "Well, you could be dead, "husband could marry the pretty lady and she could be very cruel to your kids.
" LAUGHTER "What?!" Then I was like, "First of all, Mummy, that is very specific.
All right? "And second of all, who is THE pretty lady?" But I tell you what, immediately stopped thinking about politics and started thinking about my husband.
I have been married for over a decade, which means for over a decade I have been working with this man.
I have been working on this man.
And, Apollo, I won't lie to you, I have been manipulating the shit out of this man to make him a mildly agreeable spouse.
And I'm going to die and some bitch is going to inherit that? No.
No, no, no.
LAUGHTER No, it's all mine.
So I went and found my husband.
He was reading and I said, "Hey, hey, if I die all of a sudden, "are you going to get married again?" My husband said, "What? Wait What are we talking about?" And I was like, "Oh, my God, you're stalling!" I mean, this is a yes or no question.
So, I said to him, "Listen to me.
Before you make up any more lies, "let me tell you the correct answer to this question.
"You please memorise it.
"First of all, if I die all of a sudden, you mourn me "every single day of the week.
"Second of all, there is a giant picture of me in the hall "and every time you pass the picture, "you stop and you do Namaste to that picture.
" LAUGHTER "And if the kids are round, you call them over, you gather them up "and you all cry a little bit.
" And, then, because my husband knows me very well, he said, "Oh, yeah, fine.
Erm, have you been talking to your mother?" But here's the thing about being married a very long time - you get to know each other so well, right? I mean, my husband knows me well, I know my husband so well at this point that we can have a full-blown argument from start to finish and he's not even home! You know? So, this year, I have been married 21 years.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I know it looks like I could have been a child bride, which, where I'm from, totally possible.
Anyway I wasn't a child bride.
Anyway, so, er, 21 years.
And here's what I've learned in 21 years That to stay married and stay happy - because it's not naturally the same thing - to stay married and stay happy, what you must do is keep your focus on what is important.
Keep your focus on what is important.
Let everything else fall away.
See, I'll explain.
The other day, my husband and I were having an argument, a face-to-face one, the one where he's actually at home.
We're having an argument and, er, well, I mean, I say argument.
The fact is, after 21 years, my husband and I don't really have arguments.
We have throw downs.
You know throw down? Like MMA level.
Do you know what MMA is, sir? Yeah.
Marriage martial arts.
Proper MMA.
No matter what the topic, my husband and I both always bring it for everything because we know that after 21 years and three kids, nobody's fucking going anywhere.
Right? We are just trying to get to the end of this somehow.
LAUGHTER And, also, you should know, like I told you when I arrived here, I got a UK passport.
My husband is Scandinavian.
He didn't bother.
And then we were having this argument and he was like, "I don't understand why you didn't do it this way.
" And I said, "Really? What I don't understand is why you don't "fuck off back where you came from.
" SCATTERED APPLAUSE Apollo, I cannot lie to you.
It felt pretty good! Oh, my God.
What a great phrase! I am totally on board with it now.
Knock yourselves out! Such a good feeling it gives you afterwards, you know? The problem was it bothered our children a little bit.
Because we were having lunch.
It was Sunday.
Our youngest child, she said, "Oh, no, Mama said the F word.
" And I said, "Oh, darling, you're right, I did.
"But you know what? "When you grow up and meet the man of your dreams, so will you.
" LAUGHTER And then my teenage son said something - but let me explain, ladies and gentlemen.
Between 45% to 85% of what this child says, I don't understand.
Because he's a teenager.
He just looked at me and said, "Why so salty, bro?" What is this? And then our middle child, apart from being somewhat fractured, she's also very woke by which I mean she doesn't understand the difference between racism and a joke about racism.
So she got very upset and she said, "You can't say that to Dad, that's racist.
" I said, "Racist? Look at my face.
"I can't be racist.
"Everybody knows only white people are racist!" Oh, she got angry.
She stomped out of the room and I was like, "Oh, come on, darling! "Sorry, it was a joke.
I know, you're half white.
Oops.
" LAUGHTER Listen, I didn't say that to my husband because I'm racist, I said that to my husband because I'm .
.
married.
And anyone who's been married any length of time - five, seven, eight, nine minutes - it doesn't matter .
.
you know what the most important thing is.
It is to? Win.
Yeah.
If you want to stay married and stay happy, you must always be trying to win.
And, by the way, this is not a narrow, ego-based, selfish goal.
Not at all.
See, when you win, you'll feel better about yourself.
Am I right? Yeah.
You feel better about yourself.
You feel better about the rest of the world.
You are a nicer person.
You are a better spouse.
You do it for the health of the unit.
LAUGHTER It is almost selfless, frankly.
Always trying to find a way to win for the sake of the unit.
Let me tell you, there's so many techniques.
I'll give you one more, which iswhen the correct occasion presents itself, very casually make sure you lie to your spouse.
OK? But the key is the correct occasion.
Don't lie about lightweight rubbish like, "I didn't eat the last Hobnob.
" Nobody cares.
It is a biscuit! But, equally, don't swing to the other extreme and lie about really important stuff.
Like, "What? Of course.
No! "This IS your daughter.
" No.
Lie on the correct occasions.
The sweet spot.
Stuff like, er OK - "What? Oh, honey, I booked our holiday that week, "I had absolutely no idea your mother was coming.
" And the reason you lie like this is, when you do this, you keep your spouse mildly destabilised at all times.
Right? And then you have more power.
More power, higher chance of? Winning.
Which you do for the health of the? Unit.
There you go.
Simple.
Now, I know for a fact that there are married people in the audience and you're thinking, "She's really funny "but we're so honest with each other, "that's not how my marriage works.
" You're thinking that, right? Yeah.
Well, the reason you think that is because you are the loser.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Thank you so much, you guys.
Thank you.
So now let me ask you this.
Are you ready to meet your first comedian of the evening? CHEERING Very good, so please make a lot of noise for the very funny, the very lovely Alex Edelman! MUSIC Oh! Well, hello! CHEERING How are you guys doing, all right? Thank you so much for having me.
My name's Alex.
I'm a Jewish person.
I'm a Jew.
Hello.
And a big Jew, Orthodox Jew, observant Jew.
I went to Big Jewish upbringing - went to a Jewish school, went to a synagogue growing up, I went to a Jewish camp the good kind.
LAUGHTER I remember the first time I was aware of being Jewish.
I should have been aware, like, eight days in but you're not really around when they LAUGHTER I was at a children's birthday party - not for my circumcision, I mean, like a different time.
That would be an awful children's birthday party! Your kid came home and you're like, "How was the party?" And he was like, "That was the worst magician I've ever seen.
"And the goody bags were fucked.
" I was at a children's birthday party.
I'm, like, five or six years old and I reach for a slice of pizza that had some sausage on it.
My grandfather was there and he slapped my hand away and he said, "You can't have that.
We're Jewish.
" And I said, "What does that mean?" And I'll never forget this.
He went, "It means you'll never be happy.
" And I said, "What?" He said, "Yeah.
" My dad runs over and he scoops me up cos I'm starting to cry already and he's like, "Thanks a lot, Ted!" "OK.
What your grandfather what your mother's father means "is that Oh, God "You'll be part of this tradition of questioning things "and you'll always want things to be better for people "who are less fortunate than you, "and you'll never be satisfied with status quo "that's unacceptable.
" But I'm a child and he's an academic, so I'm not buying any of this.
So I start crying hysterically and I went, "I don't want to be Jewish!" and my grandfather, who's still there, just went, "And that's the most Jewish thing there is.
" By the way, I have a lot of love for my grandfather but I think, like It's a tough time to be a young person in the world right now.
I think it's a tough time, and here's why.
I was writing on a TV show last year.
At the end of the show, when it was cancelled, I checked my bank balance on my phone.
And on my phone, I saw that I had $5,421.
Not to brag! And this is how little I know about being an adult.
I saw the bank balance on the screen and I thought to myself, with no irony "I should buy a house.
" Not a big house! One of those small $5,000 houses.
How is any millennial ever going to own a home? How is any young person ever going to own a home? It seems impossible.
It's made me hate old people.
I see a few of you in here tonight.
I hate you! LAUGHTER Cos every old person in a city like London or LA or New York is the same.
They're like, "My house is worth £2 million, but when I bought it "in 1981, I paid 11 raspberries for it!" And every young person's like, "I have nine roommates! "One has a dog with rabies.
"We'd love to get him out but his name is on the lease!" And every old person's like, "I'm a librarian with a country home in the Cotswolds" Go fuck yourself! And then there's criticism of young people.
They're like, "Young people live on their phones.
"It's the only place we can afford to live.
" LAUGHTER CHEERING I can enjoy certain television shows.
Like, I was watching SpongeBob Square Pants with a younger cousin - two years younger.
We love the classics! And I'm getting angrier and angrier because I'm watching SpongeBob and I'm thinking, this sponge owns his own pineapple! This sponge owns a two-storey pineapple.
Oh, he must be a banker.
He's not a banker.
He works in a fast food restaurant.
And his neighbour, who works with him in the restaurant, lives in an Easter Island head.
That's a listed building.
There's no way he can afford that! By the way, I love the UK.
My absolute favourite thing about the UK is Greggs.
That is my favourite thing that you guys have going for you.
Greggs.
Greggs The Baker.
It is so good! Yes! Here's why.
Greggs doesn't pretend to be anything else.
It knows what it is.
You walk in, they're like, "Hi!" "Welcome to Greggs.
What food would you like to eat?" And you're gross cos you're in a Greggs so you're like, "Can I have 12 doughnuts for a pound, please?" "Yeah.
Do you want a Diet Coke with that? It is breakfast.
" Here's how Greggs got started.
Someone kicked in the door to a board meeting and was like, "Hey, everybody! Hey, idiots! "Let's sell pastries.
"But not good pastries.
" And everyone was like .
.
"Gregg ".
.
no-one's going to buy crap pastry.
" And he's like, "We'll see about that.
" "I'll build an empire!" And he did, and it's a masterpiece.
And you're the same as the people who work there.
You're unhappy.
They're unhappy.
You're gross.
They're gross.
You're not wearing gloves.
They're not wearing gloves.
You guys have been so great.
I'm Alex Edelman.
Enjoy your evening, good night.
Alex Edelman, everybody! So, are we ready for the second act of the evening? CHEERING Wonderful.
Well, please welcome to the stage the very lovely, the very wonderful Lou Sanders! MUSIC: Black Magic by Little Mix # Take a sip of my secret potion I'll make you fall in love # For a spell that can't be broken One drop should be enough # Boy, you belong to me I've got the recipe Hello! Woo! Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Lovely to be here.
I used to be, and this is going to sound really braggy, but I used to be Honestly, I used to be the prettiest, cleverest girl in my class.
But I was home-schooled, so LAUGHTER I wasn't that academic at school, actually, but I loved philosophy and I still love philosophy.
Like, I'm always thinking about life's big questions.
The other day I was thinking, "What if all this time, it WAS Shaggy?" LAUGHTER I, erm, I've been on a man ban.
Well, it's over now, I can't stress that enough.
Let the dog see the rabbit.
I had, like, commitment issues with guys, I would say, so I went through a phase where I'd go out with men, like, way younger than me.
I think just because they're around.
They're not married.
They don't know any better.
And they're easier to catfish.
Erm How do you know if a man is too young for you? I'll tell you this, this is something I learnt.
OK, you're out and about, you're on the town, and he just asks you to buy him a choccy milkshake.
LAUGHTER That actually happened! Then I went back to his - I know, I went back anyway! His hand soap at his flat was jelly baby flavoured! Ooh, mama got to go! After she's slept with you! Right.
I think we're screwed in a way.
I think we've all become so vain and narcissistic.
I think Instagram is the death of us.
Having said that, do follow me online cos I'm very funny.
LAUGHTER I don't mind when people are thirsty on the Gram, we all want attention, right, but what is interesting at the moment is there's a sort of trend to be sort of narcissistic but to pretend it's for charity, you know, or to pretend it's about a cause.
There was a guy on Instagram the other day, right, top's-off selfie, flexing his muscles I think he'd oiled up as well for the occasion.
Fine.
Live your life.
So, he's like that.
Fine.
But then underneath, what he'd written was, "Can we just talk about mental health?" Yes, but can you pop a top on? Because I'm finding it hard to focus! But I get it.
I just think that if you want to be, like, thirsty be thirsty.
Say, "Oh, you can see my nipples in "picture four - have a lovely time.
" I'm having a gawp at that.
Lovely! If you want to talk about feminism, maybe now and again put a picture of someone else up.
Put a picture of Anita Hill up, the African-American human rights lawyer who changed rape laws.
Yes, for the better.
And, no, I didn't know who Anita Hill was before this bit and that's because she's not being thirsty on the Gram so I do see OK, get ready for this.
The person who put me on the man ban was my healer.
Big word for a comedy show.
Let's dial it down and call her an energy worker.
I know it's not relatable when you mention your healer.
I do know that.
Give me a cheer if you've got a healer! AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS Two people have! We haven't got time.
But look how well-balanced she sounded! Agh! It works! No, I have got a healer and she's called Jill in the Pyrenees.
Well, she's called Jill.
She lives in the Pyrenees, I call her "Jill in the Pyrenees" because you can be spiritual and have a bit of fun.
OK? And I don't go to the Pyrenees.
I just WhatsApp audio call her cos energy works through space and time and that's quantum physics, OK? Don't make me explain it.
So, Jill in the Pyrenees put me on a man ban, right? At the start of it, I was like, "What? I can't even get off with anyone? Even if they put "the Fugees album on and tell me I'm different to other girls?" She said yeah.
I think she actually said, "Correctomundo.
" Because you can be spiritual and have a bit of fun.
And about six months into the man ban, I met this guy, there was a bit of a vibe, right? And he wasn't my normal type, like not even in a band.
And I said to Jill, "Look, this guy's making me dinner, "can I sleep with him?" And this is honestly what Jill said.
Jill said, "No, you cannot sleep with him, "but you can give him a BJ.
" "Om shanti, love and light.
" Isn't that lovely? I didn't even use it, but it's nice it's there in case of emergencies.
Right.
And then it was about ten, 11 months into the ban and nothing had happened - no kissing, no nothing - and I said to Jill, "Look, I'm getting a bit fed up.
Like, I'm a human being.
I'm flesh and bones.
" I said, "Look, is there going to be any sort of movement in that area?" And this is what Jill said.
She said, "The angels" I know! She said, "The angels are just purifying your sacral chakra.
" We've all been there.
Classic case of.
She said, "The angels are just purifying your sacral chakra," she said, "so don't put anything up there for the moment.
" And the weirdest thing of all is my first thought was, "Ah, that does make sense.
Thank you, Jill.
" Because there was a lot to purify because in the noughties, I was an absolute massive legend LAUGHTER I was a slut but I was doing it for feminism! You're welcome.
I did, I slept around a lot when I was younger and I honestly thought I was doing it for feminism cos my brother could do what he wanted and he wasn't judged or shamed and women were held to a different regard.
And I thought, "The patriarchy won't tell me what to do, thank you! "I will sleep with more people" Thank you! Very damaging time! Not cos sex is bad, but bad sex is bad, you know? And at that age, you don't know what you want, you don't know how to ask for it, and sometimes you're just doing it because the arcades are closed.
And, looking back now, I don't know how much it did for the movement.
LAUGHTER "Lou, have you read Third Wave Feminism, A Critique?" "I'm sorry, Sandra.
"I'm busy out here doing my own work in the field!" LAUGHTER But I will say this before I go.
I read a statistic recently that 30% of men - that's quite a lot, have a look around - 30% of men have paid for sex.
That's so many, isn't it? Because I've not received a penny.
LAUGHTER You've been so lovely.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Lou Sanders, everybody! Please give it up for both the acts you saw this evening, Alex Edelman and Lou Sanders! Thank you! And I have been your host, Sindhu Vee.
Good night and God bless!