8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s15e03 Episode Script

This programme contains strong language and adult humour APPLAUSE Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Alan Carr.
Joe Wilkinson.
Sara Pascoe.
Josh Widdicombe.
Bill Bailey.
Susie Dent.
And Rachel Riley.
Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the Eiffel Tower shrinks by about six inches in cold weather and, weirdly, I'm pretty much the same.
LAUGHTER Fun fact, Winston Churchill actually invented the word commando when one day he was so busy fighting Hitler, he forgot to put on any pants.
And allodoxaphobia is the fear of the opinions of others.
And if you don't think that's correct, well, you can piss right off.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's special guest team captain Alan Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alan's famous front teeth are the result of an accident in the 1970s, when his dad forgot to buy condoms.
LAUGHTER And Alan's team-mate Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Josh lives in London but is originally from rural Dartmouth.
Isolated and rarely visited, Josh has struggled to make friends in the city.
LAUGHTER OK, up against them this evening, special guest team captain Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's great to have Joe here this evening, as it gives his keepers the perfect opportunity to refresh the straw in his cage.
LAUGHTER And joining Joe tonight, Sara Pascoe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sara Pascoe is a vegan.
I'm actually part vegan.
I mean, I eat meat and stuff but I AM really smug.
LAUGHTER Alan and Josh, you toured together.
Were you good company? - Oh, we got on like a house on fire, didn't we? - Yeah.
- It was lovely.
Well, people kept thinking, when we were checking into hotels, that he was my toy boy lover.
We really should have gone with two rooms.
But me and my partner had a row in front of him.
Do you remember that? Oh, it was absolutely awful.
- I was sat in the back of your Mini.
- Yeah.
- And you and Paul had a screaming row.
- Yeah.
"I hate you! I wish you were dead! And then I see him in the back like this I was like, "Sometimes Mummy and Daddy, we have a row.
" LAUGHTER And I introduced him to a whole new world.
- Not in that way! - No.
- LAUGHTER You said you liked it, you dirty No, because we stayed at some nice hotels.
- Oh.
- Pillow menu.
- Yeah, have you ever had a pillow menu? - SARA: What? A pillow menu? - Yeah.
- This is the kind of hotels Alan stays in.
No, this is the first time because it was a big tour.
First time I've ever stayed A pillow menu.
You were very quick to deny that, then, weren't you? I'm a man of the man of the people, ain't I? OK.
- A pillow menu? - So you get a list of the pillows and then you can say, "Can I have this pillow sent up?" - BILL: What? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- AND, an honesty bar.
Listen to this, Manchester.
An honesty bar.
They trust you, they give you the drink and you just put in the money of how much you've had on the night.
Yeah, right! It's like, four o'clock, you're sitting there with sick all down you going, - "I've only had a Rubicon.
" - LAUGHTER JOE: I supported you on one of your tour dates, do you remember that? - ALAN: You did not.
- LAUGHTER - JOE: It was Peterborough.
Do you remember? - ALAN: You're lying.
JOE: No, no, no.
It was about six years ago, remember? - Now, be honest.
Did you really support me? - JOE: I did, yes.
- ALAN: Because I can't remember you.
- JOE: I know! Yeah, I genuinely did, yeah.
I remember you've actually told me this.
JOE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've told a lot of people.
- Alan, you don't know? - It's genuinely on my CV.
ALAN: I can't remember his act or him! All right! LAUGHTER ALAN: You went there - .
.
Joe - LAUGHTER - Sara, now, your captain tonight is Joe Wilkinson.
- Yes.
- Are you I mean, apologies firstly because - Because.
- I'm scum.
- You're scum? I want us to do well together, Joe, but our conversation before the show was, "Who out of us we think is worse.
" JOSH: What, as a human? I think we are going to be terrible, do you? No.
I'm I wouldn't worry, I'm as clever as I look.
What are you scratching, out of interest there? Sometimes when people are on TV, they don't scratch their arse but Well, no, I actually have a little spot on my arse, Jimmy, - and I've just taken the top off.
- LAUGHTER Well, that's told me! Well, you don't know you're going to do it, do you? You go, "What the hell is that?" ALAN: You wonder why I blanked him out?! Now you remember, the guy that bled on stage scratching his arse.
- Oh, yes.
- You know, Joe Wilkinson - Mr Showbusiness! LAUGHTER Joe, you are up against Alan and Josh.
How are you going to take them down? No, I'm not too worried.
I'm just going to concentrate on our team.
I've got I've got How many GCSEs you get? - Ten.
- Fucking hell! LAUGHTER - Is there ten? - Yes! ARE there ten.
LAUGHTER Well, yeah, I've got four.
They're all woodwork but LAUGHTER Well, the only thing I've done is I've brought along a little catapult and I was just going to pop a little bit of dog poo on the end.
And if it kicks off I'll just hold that there.
Crack on with the show.
And what will happen if you take your finger off? ALAN SQUEALS LAUGHTER - ALAN: Is it really shit? - JOE: Yeah.
- JOSH: Of course it's not.
- It is.
SARA: He scratched his own bum with a spot.
It could be.
Don't eat it.
Joe! Don't eat it! Oh, you are disgusting! - Now you remember his act.
- Yes.
Sorry, Joe, is it or not? I've no idea.
I've never had it before.
LAUGHTER - Sara, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
- Oh, what have you got? I'm really excited to show it to you because I got it for my birthday.
- Oh, happy birthday.
- And it's now mymy mostmost favourite thing.
I can't even talk, I'm so excited! I have got a signed picture of Take That.
It's signed by all of the boys.
All of them together, all five of them.
- All five, the glory days! - All five of them.
JOSH: Is that real? SARA: Yeah, I've got a certificate of autocation.
LAUGHTER She's on my side.
Have you always been a huge fan of Take That? Yes.
Ever since I first heard of them.
- He's put on a bit of weight, hasn't he? - Shut your mouth! Gary looks beautiful.
You all look beautiful.
JOSH: Who's your favourite? Mark.
But don't tell the others.
LAUGHTER You know Robbie, don't you? I know Gary as well, we've got the same accountant.
LAUGHTER Will you ever mention him to me when you see them? Yeah, OK.
What will you say? I'll say, "I know a crazy girl who likes you.
" - I hang out with Howard.
- No.
Yeah, he's hit rock-bottom.
LAUGHTER OK, Josh, what's your mascot? Ah, well, since I last came on You may have noticed I've got a little bit more intelligent.
Because I am now a glasses wearer.
Yeah.
They look great on you.
- You do look a little bit more clever.
I think there's the something.
- Thank you.
That's what I thought because I didn't know whether to wear them on TV.
Someone said I shouldn't because then I can wear them in my day-to-day life - and people won't recognise me.
- I think they might.
- Yeah, because I'm not Clark Kent.
- Yeah.
- So I don't know if these are the right ones.
I've been wearing these but I don't know if these make me look the most intelligent.
So I thought I'd test it by bringing a range of glasses.
Let's see some options.
I'll just wear them and whichever, whenever I'm most intelligent, that's the glasses I should wear.
So I've got these.
Well, they match your shirt.
LAUGHTER I think I'm going to go with them for Round One and then we'll see how it goes for the rest of the show - because I think they're a good look.
- Yeah, they're more of a goggle.
What if there's a swimming round? You never know, OK.
Alan, what's your mascot? Well, when I knew I was coming back to Manchester, I love Manchester.
It's my lucky city, so I wanted to think of something that was very Manchester to me.
I worked at Barclaycard for four years and I kept my last headset that I ever wore there - and I've brought it along as my lucky mascot.
- Oh, very nice.
Barclaycard, Alan speaking.
How can I help? - Still got it.
- LAUGHTER - Shall we play out a phone call? - Yeah, if you want to.
Yeah.
OK.
Barclaycard, Alan speaking.
How can I help you? Hi, yeah, I've gone abroad and my card is not working.
This is lost and stolen.
LAUGHTER I'll just put you through to someone else.
Thank you very much.
When you worked there, how many times could someone swear on a phone call before you could hang up on them? Oh, no, if they swore at you twice you could put the phone down.
So I used to egg them on.
"Hello, fatty, can you speak up?" LAUGHTER Alan, did you have the thing where you don't get to choose where it comes in, it just beeps and then you get the next call.
Beeps, yeah, because it was quite All the time.
- Did you used to work in a call centre as well? - Yeah, and it's horrible.
You have to go and sit on the loo.
It's the only time you don't have calls coming through.
You just have to go and sit in there, even if you don't want one.
- I used to say I had cystitis.
- Why didn't I think of that? - Why didn't you think of that, yeah.
- "Oh, I've got cystitis.
- "My vag is on fire.
" - LAUGHTER - I forgot you had that catchphrase.
- Yeah.
My vag is on - OK, tough crowd! - LAUGHTER - Joe, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I've really got into recycling.
I'm sort of finding stuff, recycling it and finding a better use for it.
Like this coffin I dug up.
- Sorry, this coffin you what? - I dug it up.
- You dug it up? - There was loads there.
LAUGHTER So what I've done, I've taken the coffin I dug up and I've turned it into a pencil case.
LAUGHTER What was in it when you dug it up? Eh? Oh, well, there was other bits and bobs in there.
So I recycled the other bits and bobs, like, I took this thigh bone and I made it one of those four-colour multi-pens.
LAUGHTER I found this, which I believe is a pelvis.
And I made it a lovely handy stapler.
LAUGHTER It's always the simplest ideas that work best, isn't it? - The pelvis stapler.
- Why has that not been done before? And then this This, I don't know what it is but I've turned it into a Sellotape dispenser.
LAUGHTER I think it's what my uncle Ken would have wanted.
LAUGHTER OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner we've got Bill Bailey.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.
Bill's real name is Mark but he chose the stage name Bill because, well, it's more showbiz.
Bill, it says here that you've written a book about British birds.
- Yes.
- What's the most interesting thing you learnt in your research? There's all sorts of things.
Do you want a bird fact? - Yeah, a bird fact.
- All right, I'll give you a bird fact.
All right, the word tit, we'll start with that.
Tit, now is slang for breast but it never used to be.
It's a 14th century medieval word for small thing, a small creature.
"Oh, look at that little tit running along the skirting board," they would say, in the olden days.
- A little tit, a little tiny thing? - Like a thing.
So you could say Josh Widdicombe is a tit and it would have made sense then and it still makes sense now.
LAUGHTER Especially in those glasses! I'd forgotten I was wearing them! I should change them up, then.
I don't think anyone is mistaking you for Kanye.
Do you not think I look like Kanye West? - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah.
- Thank you.
LAUGHTER OK.
And with Bill, of course, it is Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie's written 14 books and they are a must-have for any home, whether you need a doorstop, a coaster or just something to throw at your partner, they're perfect.
Susie, have you ever had a disagreement with Rachel? Er, no, we're good friends, Rachel and I.
The only time I could ever remember Rachel being a little bit miffed is because we swap bras sometimes and I think you thought I had lost one of her bras.
- We don't swap bras.
Susie - OK, I borrow bras.
Susie just comes in and she's never got a bra to wear.
- Yeah.
- We do 15 shows and it's always just, "Can I just borrow your bra again.
" Am I asleep right now? LAUGHTER It's not just bras, though.
It's any kind of undergarments, whether it's a slip or a skirt or a little T-shirt, she nicks it all.
This is too much for me, I can't deal with this.
Oh, God, even I'm getting a semi! LAUGHTER OK, and in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel, you once told us you had a secret crush on Bill Bailey.
- Is that still the case? - Definite comedy crush.
And he loves the animals.
I love the animals as well.
- He loves the animals, he's got the dogs and the birds.
- Yes.
Lizards and he sings about zebras and he rescued an owl from a Chinese restaurant, which makes him a superhero.
He did what, sorry? Ask Bill.
I rescued an owl from a Chinese restaurant.
LAUGHTER You know that normally there's prawns and things in tanks and you go, "Oh, I'll have that one or that one.
" And this was in south-east China and they had various other things - that were not prawns or crabs, like a civet cat - No.
.
.
and a cormorant and a salamander.
And then there was just an owl, you know, you could eat.
So we said, "Well, can we buy it off you?" And then they went, "Oh, you want a takeaway owl? Oh, right.
" So then we bought the owl and we got it into a taxi and we didn't know what to say because, you know, the phrase book doesn't really run to that sort of thing.
It's like, "Hi, I've not seen you before.
You're new in town.
" Not, "Can you drive us to a wood where we might release an owl.
" LAUGHTER It's never in there.
But we did, we let it go and it flew off and we all cheered.
- It was a lovely thing.
- That's a bloody lovely thing.
Bill Bailey, everyone.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight are these, the Countdown space hoppers.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
It's time for our first game.
Alan and Josh, you get the first pick of the letters.
- A couple of consonants, please.
- Thank you, Alan.
L and W.
- Vowel.
- O.
- Owl.
- LAUGHTER Oh, yeah.
We're fine.
We'll stick with those three.
- You cannot stick on three.
- Oh, OK.
Vowel.
I.
A couple of consonants please, love.
S, J.
JOE: J.
That's horse shit.
- Vowel.
- A.
Vowel.
E.
- And a consonant.
- N.
OK.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
All right, look for the mark.
That was lucky.
OK, how many, Josh? - Three.
- LAUGHTER Is it owl? Well, you'll have to wait and see on that one.
- Alan, how many? - Six.
- Six? Oh, wait.
Four.
Owls? - You'll have to wait and see.
- OK.
- Joe, how many? - Well, you've just said mine.
LAUGHTER - How many, Joe? - Four.
- Sara, how many? - Six.
- Yes! - All right, Josh, what did you get? What's your four? - Owls.
LAUGHTER Is that really? You're not doing Yeah, it means more than one owl.
I know that.
That's all you got from that? Joe, what's your four? I've changed it to soil.
Add a bit of glamour, spice it up.
Sara, your six? Jolene.
It's a bleach that people can use on their face.
If they've got facial hair they want to be lighter.
Susie, can I ask, is Jolene in the dictionary? No, but there's only one E, also.
- Oh, I spelt it wrong as well.
- LAUGHTER OK, Alan, your six.
Well, this is something that I was during that underwear chat earlier.
Swollen.
Good word, yeah.
How are you spelling swollen incorrectly? - Is it one L? - It's double L.
Oh, bollocks.
Really? I'm going to win with owls, this is unbelievable.
It's a hell of a start.
Four points to both teams.
Bill, Susie, could they have done any betterthan four? Amazingly, you could.
Well, Josh, I can't believe you could have gone with jowls.
- just putting a J in front.
- Oh - .
.
you'd have had jowls.
And that's a five already.
But you could have gone even better than that.
You could have had jawlines for eight.
- That's a good one.
- That's a really good one.
- That's unbelievable.
- Has anyone ever seen your jawline, Joe? It is quite fatty under here.
I love a beard.
I would love a beard but I can't grow one.
- Do you have a patchy bit? - No, no.
If I want to start Movember, I have to start in like May.
OK.
So, the end of that round, both teams have four points.
OK, so we got the numbers round coming up.
Josh, shall we change the glasses? Have you got anything better for maths? I thought I should go with more intelligent glasses.
- Oh, right, here we go.
- So I'll be doing the numbers round like this.
LAUGHTER Looks like you're starring in your own Beatrix Potter book.
A little toad from the country.
What? You didn't need to choose toad, did you? - I think I'd be a little Scottie dog.
- Or a little tit.
LAUGHTER - A little tit.
- OK, onto our first numbers round.
Joe and Sara, your turn to pick the numbers.
Yeah, four little ones.
Is that right? There's 20 little ones.
Yeah, go on, then.
LAUGHTER - I'll have five little ones and a big'un.
- OK.
The little ones are four, seven, nine, ten and two.
- Yes, ten and two is superb.
- SARA: That is very good.
RACHEL: And the target is 765.
- Oh, for fu.
- All right, it all seems possible now.
Your time starts now.
Come on, Miss Marple.
LAUGHTER - Oh, I feel sick.
- LAUGHTER JOSH: Shit, I've got it! Sorry.
Well, the target was 765.
Josh, did you get it? Yes.
- Alan, did you get it? - No chance, love.
No.
- OK.
Joe, did you get it? - 766.
That is wicked.
That is really good.
Joe, that's amazing.
That's so good.
JOSH: I think you'll find, Joe, the answer was 765.
- Sara, did you get it? - No.
- But I did write out all the numbers.
- LAUGHTER - Josh, how did you do it? - OK.
Can I go 50.
RACHEL: Yeah.
10 + 4 = 14, X the 50.
RACHEL: 10 + 4 = 14.
X the 50.
JOSH: 700.
And then 9 x 7 is 63.
RACHEL: Yes.
JOSH: Add that and then add the two.
- RACHEL: Well done.
- JOE: What are the chances of that? - 765.
APPLAUSE All right, so Joe and Sara have four points.
Alan and Josh have 14.
Oh, wicked.
And here is your teaser.
The words are PERT ALAN and the clue is: Who's your daddy? That's PERT ALAN.
Who's your daddy? See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were PERT ALAN.
The clue was - who's your daddy? It was, of course, PATERNAL.
OK, so Alan and Josh are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Joe and Alan.
- Who's choosing? - You're choosing.
Can I get a consonant, please? F A vowel, please.
I Consonant, please.
R M LAUGHTER N A consonant, please.
I meant the other one.
E A vowel, vowel.
- Preferably an O - A Shit.
And then a consonant, please.
R And then a vowel, please.
And, lastly, another I.
Do you want to borrow the clever glasses, Alan, for the round? - Could I? - Yeah.
- Double glasses.
Look at this.
I can actually see through clothing.
LAUGHTER Close your legs, sir.
It's rude to point.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, your time starts now.
PA ANNOUNCEMENT: Could the owner of vehicle registration B-1-G-B-O-Y please move it immediately.
You are blocking the entrance.
ENGINE ROARS TYRES SCREECH LAUGHTER Alan, how many? How many? ALAN: How many? Six.
Six.
Joe, how many? - Joe, how many did you get? - Oh, sorry, seven.
Seven? All right, Alan, what's your six? RETAIN - RETAKE? - RETAIN RETAIN, so as in a retainer, the thing you should have worn as a child? LAUGHTER Joe, what was your seven? TRAINER TRAINER? Seven points to Joe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE TYRES SCREECH CAR CRASHES APPLAUSE OK, so at the end of that, Joe and Sara have 11 but in the lead, Alan and Josh with 14.
Not much.
APPLAUSE Right, now it's time for Josh and Sara to go head to head on the numbers, so if you're going to make a cup of tea this would be the time.
Josh, would you ever let anyone on another team wear the glasses? Absolutely not.
- Do you want to borrow a pair? - Yeah.
OK.
JOE: Do you want to borrow a pen? LAUGHTER Thanks, guys, for all being so generous and helping me.
No, that's all right.
This looks like a crazy piece of children's television now.
I'm having the best time.
Our team isn't even losing by that much.
Thanks to me.
- Put some other glasses on cos I think they - Yeah, all right, fine.
Are you drinking your own brains? - OK, there you go.
- But that's got to go in drink.
- Yeah, OK.
But there's nothing in there.
- There is, there's - Oh! It looks like you've pissed yourself.
OK, Josh, pick the numbers.
One biggie and five smalls, please.
Right, one big, five little.
This is perfectly normal.
And they are 1, 7, 2, 6, 7 and 100.
JOE: Ah, yes! And the target - 636.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, Josh, the target was 636.
Did you get it? - No, I got 632.
- 632.
Sara, how did you do? I'm still trying to work out 7 x 7.
- 7 x 7? - Yeah.
- 49 if that's a help.
Is it? I've got 649.
LAUGHTER Alan pissed himself! He spat that down my crutch! Stop it! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ALAN: You little shit! - Don't do that to your friend.
- Keep working.
Have some dog shit.
LAUGHTER - I've done it - now.
- Sara, how did you do it? So I did 6 x 100 = 600 and then I did 7 x 7 = 49.
Then I minused 7 which is 42.
How many sevens are you using? LAUGHTER Oh, I've used three sevens.
I really genuinely got excited then.
You can get seven points for 632.
6 x 100 - 600.
- Everyone seems to have nailed that bit.
And then, um I can do 600.
I can't get it.
LAUGHTER I didn't write it down.
I can't remember because I was too busy making it look like you'd pissed yourself.
- Yeah, oh, shame about that.
- I failed but I can get 636 now.
Go on, how do you get 636? 7 - 1 = 6 - Yeah.
- Add that to the 100.
- x 6.
- Yes, 636.
APPLAUSE But you didn't get it within the time so no points to anyone.
OK, so Joe and Sara have 11, Alan and Josh have 14.
Pretty close.
APPLAUSE Time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Bill, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy, I've got my favourite phrase book again.
It's an Indonesian to English phrase book called Practical Dialogues.
Lovely.
And the idea behind it is that these are not just idle chit-chat.
They're more meaningful conversations, but they're not in any way practical or useful.
I'll give you a sample.
This one, is this like some kind of psychodrama? It says, "Why do you keep away from Liza?" LAUGHTER And then B says, "She is full of grumbles.
" LAUGHTER Then it says, "Are you close to her sister?" LAUGHTER "Yes.
" LAUGHTER And then, what are you "Cheers then, bye!" Or perhaps This is even more intense.
This one is called You Are Hiding Something.
LAUGHTER "Nothing.
" - Bill Bailey, everyone.
- That's intense.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And here's your teaser.
The words are SWEET BOD.
The clue is - give it to me.
That's SWEET BOD - give it to me.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were SWEET BOD.
The clue was - give it to me.
It was, of course, bestowed.
OK, before we get on with the game, time for a little bonus round.
A chance for our teams to win some extra points.
We're testing their maths skills this evening.
It's simple arithmetic.
All they've got to do is add up to 130.
Alan and Sara, you're playing this game.
Come and join me in the playing area.
JOSH: Good luck, Alan.
APPLAUSE Listen, Jimmy, are you keeping in that bit where hehe? Look, cos I've got, like, a piss stain.
If you cut that out, people will think I've just pissed myself.
OK.
All right, your task is to go up into our audience this evening and pick out three different people whose ages you think add up to 130.
Oh, God.
Now, you can't ask them their age or the year they were born, but you can ask them anything else.
Can you ask them how many candles they had on their last birthday cake? That would be totally cheating, but very good thinking.
OK, I'm glad I checked.
I'm glad I checked, OK.
- OK, tactically, she's way ahead of you.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to cut them and read the rings.
Alan, you're going to go first.
So, 130 in three people.
Go.
- Is there, like, a time limit? - Yeah, a little bit.
I mean, you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, you're against the clock, Alan.
OK, so, what do I do? Do you want to come up on the stage? Come on then, love.
Come on the stage.
OK, that's one.
Come on up.
Move your forehead.
Move your forehead.
Have you had botox? Move your forehead.
Come on the stage.
Come on the stage.
- You go down there.
- OK.
- Right.
I think you might go over, love, if I pick you.
No offence.
- No offence.
- You jump in here.
- Um, I need someone - Come on, Alan.
Come up on the stage.
Come on the stage, love.
Come on.
Look at this.
This is who I think comes to 130.
APPLAUSE All right.
You jump in here.
You jump in here.
FOGHORN SOUNDS So, Alan, what do you reckon? How do you think you've done? I think I've done well.
I think these add up to 130.
LAUGHTER I mean, it's optimistic.
OK.
So, your go.
You're against the clock.
Go.
OK, I'm going to go really quickly.
So I'm going to go - Like a microphone, love? - Got my own one.
- Oh, OK.
- OK, I saw one man over here that I want.
- OK.
Because I reckon he's exactly the same age as Angus Deayton.
And then I want you.
No, no, no, no, not you.
Two down.
Actually, I'll take both of you.
Actually, I'll take both of you two.
You two both go on the stage.
I'm going to find Um, and I'll go find you.
Yeah, you.
That's it.
I've done mine just mainly on looks.
I mean, I don't know how else we're meant to go.
Just guessing by what they look like Oh! Oh, no! He's a lot older than I realised.
He's much older.
OK, well, he's so old, he's infirm.
He can no longer walk up there.
FOGHORN SOUNDS - So jump in there, guys.
- Thank you, guys.
You jump in along here.
Hello.
Very nice to see you.
Hello.
- How are you guys? You jump in here.
- OK.
I know it's all very squashed, but we're all OK, right, so.
Why did you pick these people, Alan? I just thought, a good mix, and they look like 130.
But he hates me.
Look at him scowling.
Why do you hate me? OK, so, guess the ages as we go through.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
OK, oh, 40, 40 - A bit more.
- A bit more? Oh, 45.
45.
I'm like Derek Acorah.
LAUGHTER I'm getting Mary, Queen of Scots! No - How old are you? - 34.
- How old did you think he was? - You've had a tough life.
LAUGHTER - OK, how many have they got so far? - 79, so far.
- OK.
Plus? - And she's? - 47.
Plus 47, so what's he up to? RACHEL: 79, 86, - 126.
- Oh! - That's very good.
That's very good.
That's pretty good.
ALAN: Is there a four-year-old child? Four-year-old child? Come to Alan! - LAUGHTER - A little child So, how old do you think these three are? - Let's go down in order.
- So I've gone for two 50s and a 30.
Although I think we might be slightly under and slightly over.
- So it might all balance out.
- OK.
Go on.
- So you think 50, 50, 30.
- Yes.
- OK, well, let's - 49.
- Oh! - That's nearly.
- That's very near.
I mean, it's pretty good.
- 27.
- Oh, that's a lot younger, OK.
OK, so you're No, it's not a lot.
I mean, three, I mean, you're fine.
- 55.
- 55.
- Oh! - Oh! He's 55.
Has she done it? I think she's done it.
Did I?! Yeah! 131! Give her a round of applause.
APPLAUSE Sara gets five bonus points.
131, she's the closest.
Thanks, everyone.
Cheers.
Round of applause, everyone.
Thanks for playing.
Thanks, everyone.
Now, shoo, shoo, shoo.
Turns out, Sara Pascoe, genuinely, you were amazing at that game.
OK, onward again.
Alan and Josh, your turn to choose the letters.
- OK, three consonants, please.
- What? Oh, he means business.
B, P and L.
Vowel, vowel, vowel.
U, E.
O.
And consonant, consonant and Vowel.
M, L JOE: They're falling apart.
U.
Oh, there's nothing in there.
OK, your time starts now.
Good luck with that.
That is shit.
So, Alan, how many letters? - Five.
- Terrific stuff.
Josh, how many? Three.
LAUGHTER Three? It's a good one, though.
- OK.
Joe? - Five.
You got five? Yeah, do you want to fight? - All right.
Sara? - Five.
- Can I hear your three, Josh? - Yeah.
If you just turn that M upside down Yeah, no problem.
I've got owl.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah.
Thank you.
OK, Alan.
- Plume.
- Oh, lovely.
- Oh, yes - That's a nice one, isn't it, plume? - Gosh! We all three got plume.
Can I do that thing? I've always wanted to do this, where I go, "I've got the same," and then I slide it over? - OK.
- All right, slide it over, then.
Be all professional.
This is, I've always wanted to do this.
Yeah, I've got plume LAUGHTER I've got plume as well.
And also, I've got plume, also, as well.
It's plume.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Right, points to both teams.
OK.
Phil, Susie, not a great letter selection, but could they have done any better? Well, I mean, there was a few.
There was boule, you could have had, as in the, you know, French - Love a bit of boules.
- Love a bit of boules.
- Plum boules.
LAUGHTER That is a different kind of game.
Plum boule No, it's always that colour.
It's always LAUGHTER OK, so, at the end of that, Joe and Sara in the lead with 21 points.
- Yes! - Yes! APPLAUSE OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
Bill, what have you got for us? Well, I have another instructive book, this is one of my favourites.
Banjo For Dummies.
- As opposed to banjo for the intelligent? - Yes, exactly.
It's got everything you want to know about banjo.
I mean, there's a very, very exhaustive list of chapter headings.
And the first one is, "So, you want to play what?" Well, it's the banjo.
And then it seems to go a bit off piste, and it struck me this book may be about something else.
The whole thing is like a giant euphemism.
You know, it says, "So, you want to play banjo? "Getting it right with the right hand.
"Sliding, hammering, pulling.
" And then, "Taking care of your baby," which, I don't know whether that means the banjo or whether that's organising childcare because you're obsessed.
And then it starts to get a bit hot and heavy: "Talking the banjo talk.
"Finding a good right-hand position.
"Pulling off the pull-off.
"Bending the chokes.
Playing the Foggy Mountain.
Susie Dent, stop it! We've all done that.
And then, "Adding the left hand.
" "Playing Soldier's Joy," and then, of course, inevitably, "Replacing your banjo string.
" It's got some very good reviews, I'm not slagging this book off, it's a fantastic book.
If you really want to get into banjo, Banjo For Dummies is the one.
But there's one bloke on Amazon, really, he didn't like it.
He goes LAUGHTER APPLAUSE But I don't I think it would be rude of me not to demonstrate the banjo itself, so, here we go.
HE PLAYS LIVELY MUSIC AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.
- Bill Bailey, everyone.
- Thank you very much.
And here's your final teaser.
The words are NOSH HERO, the clue is, stuffs it all in.
That's NOSH HERO, stuffs it all in.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NOSH HERO.
The clue was "stuffs it all in".
It was, of course, SHOE HORN.
OK, time for our final letters game.
- Joe and Sara, your turn to choose the letters.
- Oh.
Can I do it? Nope.
Consonant, please.
R And a vowel.
A Consonant, please.
W OK.
Consonant, please.
A vowel.
I A T.
L A consonant.
F A vowel.
O JOSH: Yes! I've got a three.
APPLAUSE Weirdly, I can't see it.
And then a consonant, please.
And a D.
- JOSH: I'm going to upgrade the glasses for this one.
- Sure.
Cos they weren't working for me.
You put on Alan's? Oh, I can't see my paper! OK, 30 seconds starts now.
CHEERING APPLAUSE I've lost one.
Where'd it go? I've got one of those tension headaches.
How many, Josh? Three.
Three, OK.
Alan, how many? - Five.
- Five.
- Joe? - Five.
- Sara? - Five.
OK, what was your three, Josh? Don't say it.
Don't Don't you dare.
OWL It almost looks like you're turning into an owl.
Alan, what was your five? TROWEL - TROWEL? - Yes.
- TRAIL, you mean? - I've got TRAIL as well.
I've got TRAIL as well.
How are you spelling TROWEL, out of interest, everyone? An OWL with a T and an R.
Is that bullshit? Yeah, you need an E.
- Yeah, you need an E.
- I know that.
It's just all part of the fun, innit? No, I said TRAWL - T-R-A-W-L.
TRAWL.
- TRAWL! - Who made me say TROWEL? You said TROWEL.
- Did I say TROWEL? - Yeah.
- I meant That's you saying OWL.
Well, that's not my fault! TRAWL is written there.
TRAWL is written there, but you all thought TROWEL.
OK, so five points to both teams.
- APPLAUSE - We're still in it.
Bill, Susie, could they have done any better? There's a couple of sevens you could have had.
There's TRIFOLD or AIRFLOW.
You could have had AIRFLOW.
- So, Alan and Josh have 24.
Joe and Sara have 26.
- Yes! Yes! APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
There's only two points in it.
Your time startsnow.
BUZZER Nof'ing way.
MOTHERING JOSH GASPS He's only gone and bloody done it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE YES! No way! Nine seconds - Alan Carr, who knew? So, the final scores are Joe and Sara have 26 points, but tonight's winners with 34, Alan and Josh! CHEERING Congratulations.
You're now the proud owners of these - the Countdown space hoppers! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jump on!