It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s15e03 Episode Script

1
♪
DENNIS: Are you kidding me?
I love Joni Mitchell.
It's Janis Joplin I don't like.
- MAC: Why?
- I don't like her voice.
Her voice drives me insane.
- You're out of your mind.
- No, she's out of her mind.
What do you think about this, then?
Oh.
- Hey.
- [OVERLAPPING EXCLAMATIONS]
I do like that. I love that.
Look at those moves.
- You got the moves, Charlie.
- Oh, baby.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, I like this a lot.
Why are we doing it?
Oh, South Philly Skate's closing, man.
- What?
- What?
- DENNIS: Huh?
- Yeah.
Why would you deliver such sad news
in such an upbeat fashion?
Uh, yeah, you know what?
It felt wrong as I was doing it.
Wasn't sure how to stop.
I can't believe this.
Everybody wants to pave paradise
and put up a parking lot.
- Nice! Nice.
- DENNIS: Uh, Joni Mitchell, yeah.
I found a way to weave it in.
I heard you do that.
Now, guys, look, the real question is
what are we gonna do about the rink?
- ♪
-
Wait a minute. Wait.
You guys want to buy a roller rink?
Oh, God, no. No, no, no.
We-we already tried that.
- Yeah. You guys remember that?
- Mm-hmm.
- The last time we were there.
- That's right.
The last time we were there.
What-what year was that?
- Yeah.
- 1998.
- Yeah.
- You guys remember that night?
DENNIS: Oh, yeah.
Like it was yesterday.
["PRAISE YOU" BY FATBOY SLIM PLAYING]
- Hey, no whipping.
- [BLOWS WHISTLE]
I saw that. Are you chewing gum?
No gum on my rink, all right?
Go spit it out. Gum is the enemy.
Long way together ♪
Through the hard
times and the good ♪
Skate clean, everybody.
Let's skate clean.
That is the main thing.
Richie Keen, keep it clean,
buddy, all right?
I don't want to see any hotdogging.
Hotdogging happens
at the concession stand.
Okay, new people.
Coming through, coming through.
All right, come on, let's go.
Keep it clean.
- [BLOWS WHISTLE]
- Watch it.
Briana, no more gum.
[SIGHS] Man, can't trust anybody.
Yo, Mac.
- Yo, what's up, Charlie?
- [SIGHS] Dude.
It's buzzing out there, huh?
Yeah, dude, the roller rink
business is booming, man.
Let me tell you.
Now take that jacket off, dude.
How many times do I have to tell you
you can't wear street clothes at work.
What you talking about, man?
This jacket's phat as hell.
It may be phat, but you're not
supposed to wear it, all right?
And you're not even
repping Philly, dude.
Well, the Hornets
have the coolest colors, man.
I got to look phat
'cause I'm out there selling weed,
and you got to look phat
if you're selling weed.
And also, dude,
I'm gonna say this as your friend
- and not just your boss
- [PAGER BEEPING]
- stop dealing drugs at work, okay?
- Blowing up.
- Oh, 9-1-1.
- Take it outside. I don't want to see
- Yo, I got to make a call.
- If Smokey sees you with that thing, man,
I'm gonna get in trouble, too.
Did you spray these down,
or what?
'Cause-cause you got to keep the
[SNIFFS]
Not bad.
I rode my bicycle ♪
Past your window last night ♪
I roller-skated to your
door at daylight ♪
All right, now,
you kids have a lot of fun, all right?
And Daddy's got a very
important meeting to go to.
- Oh, good luck, Daddy.
- Thank you, honey.
You be safe, sweetheart. Dennis,
don't forget to leave your
cellular telephone on.
You work for me now.
Yes, Father. Got it.
Brand-new pair of roller skates ♪
You got a brand-new key ♪
There you go. Have fun.
- Oh!
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- What's up, fellas?
- Hey! Here they are.
- There's the college guy.
Now, see, Mac, that's how
you wear a jacket at work.
You know,
Dennis looks like Jerry Seinfeld.
Thanks, man. Yeah, that's kind
of what I was going for. Yeah.
I don't like how mean they are
to each other on that show.
Aw, Sweet Dee.
So pure of heart. You know?
Hey, when you going to Hollywood, Dee?
Tomorrow.
Yeah, this is my last night in Philly.
I'm actually super nervous.
Oh, you got nothing to be nervous about.
No, you're gonna do great
out there, sis.
They're gonna love you.
You just have so much natural charisma,
and you're so funny.
Aw, man. Thanks, you guys.
That really means a lot to me.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah.
- Size 11 skates, please.
Oh. Oh, Dee, um
Uh, we only carry, like,
women's up to, like,
I think maybe, like nine?
Oh, no, Charlie, uh, size 11 in men's.
- That's okay.
- Oh, right. You wear men's.
- Yeah.
- I totally forgot.
Okay, I got those. Hang on.
- Uh, here we go.
- [THUDS]
- There we go.
- Yeah. Boom. - Okay.
Thanks, guys.
I'm gonna go skate with my friends.
- I'll see you in a little bit.
- Ah, have fun, Dee.
- See you. So sweet.
- Have fun. - Bye.
Such a good-hearted person.
Guys, thank-thank you so
much for not making fun
of the size of her feet.
They're-they're very big.
- Oh, no, dude. I would never make fun
- Of course not.
of her physical attributes.
Hey, you guys want to
grab a soda or something?
- Oh, I'd love a soda.
- I'd love a soda.
All right, let's get a quick break.
Hey, Smokey, stepping away!
- Huh?
- Stepping away there, boss!
Yeah, whatever.
[CHUCKLES] Smokey loves me, dude.
Hey, he's giving me one of those,
um, email addresses.
- Whoa.
- [SCOFFS] Email? Mark my words,
nobody will ever use email.
The Internet is a fad for nerds.
- Yeah, probably.
- Yeah.
Let's roll.
So, what's it like
working for your old man?
Like, what's he actually do?
Business.
Oh, that's sweet, man.
Like, what kind of business is he in?
It's complicated, you know?
There's-there's numbers
and money, you know?
Right, but it sounds like you
don't know what the business is.
Not yet. But, I mean, I will
at some point, you know what I mean?
'Cause I'll be running the place
someday, so
Oh. I can dig that, man.
I'm also kind of, like, climbing
the corporate ladder, you know?
I definitely see myself
running this place one day.
- [BLOWS WHISTLE]
- Dooley, come on, man.
No headlocks!
I'll-I'll be running a-a
multi-million-dollar business,
and you'll be working at a roller rink.
Yeah, there's a lot of money
in roller-skating, like,
you would not believe how many quarters
I find in these vending machines.
You're talking about thumbing
through vending machines
for loose change. You think that's
comparable to my thing?
Well, that one's empty,
but, yeah, you never know.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, is that my beeper?
Oh, no, that's my mobile phone.
Yeah, I don't have anything that beeps.
Yeah, hang on.
Oh, it's-it's my dad.
Hello, Father.
Oh. Yeah.
Yes. Uh, yeah, right away.
Guys, I got to run.
Uh, my dad forgot his briefcase,
and he needs it
for an important meeting, so
- Oh, cool. What's the meeting about?
- Business, man.
I, like, I don't I got to go.
I can't make him mad, okay?
I'm on my way, Father.
Mobile phones. Fads for yuppies.
Mark my words, Charlie,
those things will never catch on.
[CHUCKLES]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[PANTING]: Okay.
[SIGHS]
- Ah, my special little helper.
- Hey. Hey.
I couldn't do it without you.
- Hold the briefcase.
- Okay. Thanks, Father.
Oh, not you.
I was talking about this little guy.
Right here.
- You're taking pills?
- Mm. Mm.
Ah. Yeah. It enhances my performance
and impresses my colleague,
if you know what I'm saying? [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, wow, okay, that makes sense. Yeah.
- Yeah.
WOMAN: Ticktock, buddy.
Your hour's almost up.
Uh, be right there, hon.
Oh, she sounds tough.
Oh, you have no idea. Okay, you can go.
No, wait, wait. Dad, Dad, wait, wait.
Come here, come here.
Listen, if I may be so bold,
I know you like to usually
do your business in private,
but, uh, I'd like to join you.
Huh? You-you want to join us?
Yeah. O-Or I can just sit
in the corner and watch.
I-I just want to learn.
Well-well-well,
that's-that's a little weird, Dennis.
I-I don't know about that.
How am I supposed to learn
if you don't show me how to do it?
- You don't know how?
- [SIGHS] No. I don't know anything.
The guys were teasing
me about it earlier.
- Well, I probably would tease you, too.
- Yeah, but-but,
I mean, it's not my fault.
You never showed me anything.
I thought this was something
you'd learn in school.
Well
Well, I-I don't,
I don't love this Dennis, but,
if you want, you can sit
in the corner and watch.
But no eye contact
'cause that'll throw me off my game.
- O-Okay.
- All right.
Come on, let's go in
before the pill kicks in.
Y-Yeah. Okay.
Honey.
Yeah, what I'm saying is
Silly String's not so silly
when it's stuck in a wheel bearing.
So, actions do have consequences.
You know?
Smokey!
Filing a damage report here, boss.
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm gonna have to sell the joint.
Lot of good people are
gonna lose their jobs.
Kills me, but it's over.
Oh, no.
18, 19. [CHUCKLES] Worth every penny.
2,000. There's a little
something in there for you.
- Yeah, whatever.
- Say hello to your sister.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Well, there you go. You happy?
Wha
What was that?
That's how it's done.
Uh, it was a little fast,
but she was hot. [CHUCKLES]
I f I feel like I just watched you
have sex with a prostitute.
- Yeah.
- Why?
What do you mean why? It was your idea.
[STAMMERS] I didn't want
to watch you have sex.
I didn't want you to watch me
have sex, either.
I thought you were gonna
show me what you do at work.
This is what I do at work.
Well [SCOFFS]
does Mom know about this?
Don't bring your mother into this.
I'm not gonna let you watch next time.
I don't want to watch next time!
I didn't want to watch this time!
All right, look,
you're officially fired.
What-what?
This is not working out
for me, Dennis. You-you
you watched me bang, I mean,
and now you're whining.
You're gonna go cry to your mommy.
It's too much.
I don't even know what it
is I'm being fired from.
Look Here.
Here's five grand.
What-what is this?
That's to keep your mouth shut.
That's your paycheck.
I-I don't understand. What is happening?
- That's your severance pay.
- My sever
Go on.
I don't understand any of this!
♪
Sup, son. I'm having the best night.
I just sold two ounces of Compton Endo.
Yeah, well, all right,
I-I hate to rain on your
drug-dealing parade, but, um,
Smokey's selling this joint, man.
So what? I could deal drugs wherever.
Hey, you should come work for me, man.
I'm making mad Benjamins, son.
Holy shit.
Whoa, dude, there's got to be,
like, $80 in there.
It's $4,000, Charlie.
Yeah, I made it in, like, two hours.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Shit, man, but, like,
isn't dealing drugs,
isn't that kind of dangerous?
Damn straight it is, Charlie.
That's why I got myself a gat.
[WHISPERS]: Dude. You have a gun?
Yeah. [CHUCKLES] Cool, huh?
Put that shit away, all right?
Don't let Smokey see you with that.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Sweet Dee. - Hey, Dee.
Charlie, can you tighten
the axle nuts on these?
My friends and I are working
on sort of a farewell routine.
Oh, got to tighten them Dee's nuts.
[MAC CHUCKLES]
Dee's nuts.
They're your nuts, so I said,
"Dee's nuts." Like
Yeah, I-I'm sorry. I just
don't find crass humor that funny.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
Oh, yeah. Um, but, Dee,
just a quick heads-up,
like, if I tighten up these nuts,
it's gonna
- Dee's nuts. Now I said it.
- [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS] That happens.
I'm so sorry.
But-but in all seriousness,
if-if I do tighten up the, uh,
the axle nuts, it's gonna slow you down.
I know. The thing is, my friends,
they're just not as fast as me,
and I don't want to
hurt their self-esteem,
so I just figured if I make
myself slower, everyone's happy.
- Oh, that's super nice of you.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, and don't forget, positive energy.
- Positive energy.
- Cool. - Positive.
- [PAGER BEEPING] - There's my beeper.
- Oh, shit.
That thing is really cool.
I'll admit that.
Cool? Charlie, in 20 years,
everybody's gonna have a beeper.
Mark my words.
Yeah, yeah. Also,
you keep saying that, and I don't know
if you're, like,
fully expecting me to, like,
mark these words down
'cause I don't have, like, a pen on me.
Okay, come on, let's go.
They're-they're outside.
Yeah, okay. Uh, all right.
Stepping away, Smoke.
All right, be cool.
Just play it cool, man.
Yeah, I'm just nervous, dude.
I've never done something
against the law, really, like this.
Nah, it's-it's-it's not that hard.
It's not that hard. Oh, here they come.
- Here they come.
- Is this the guy?
- These are our guys?
- Yeah, I think that's him. Yeah.
Yeah, that's him. Okay.
It's very easy. It's very easy.
- Just walk up there, you say, "How much?"
- Mm-hmm.
"How much do you want?"
- They tell you, and then
- Uh-huh.
you throw the bags in,
they throw the money out,
and that's it. End of transaction.
Okay, cool. I-I can do that.
And then, um,
maybe I'll introduce myself, too?
Put a name to the face
'cause customer service is important.
- No.
- Um
No, no, don't do that because it's not.
It's a drug deal.
Yeah, but if they don't feel
comfortable, you know, like,
knowing me,
they might not return as customers.
You don't want them to know you.
They will return, no matter what,
because they're addicted to the drugs.
- Oh.
- That's how it works.
- Oh. Okay, cool.
- Yeah.
One more thing.
- Take off the skates.
- Yeah, but if I take off
the skates, I'm gonna have
to walk over there in my socks
- 'cause I skated to work today.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Yeah, that's not gonna look cool, right?
- Okay, fine. Yeah.
Uh, that-that's them.
Okay, I'll walk on my toes,
- so you can't tell I'm on skates.
- What? No.
You might as well just,
you might as well just skate over.
Oh, Jesus Christ. [SIGHS]
Coming.
O-One minute.
- [SIGHS]
- Evening.
[MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR]
Jesus Christ. [SIGHS]
- I got five on it ♪
- Hi. I-I'm Charlie.
I'll be taking care of
you guys this evening.
Uh, uh, how we doing?
Let me get five.
F-Five, yeah, sure.
Uh, five for the fine fella.
"I got five on it."
Sorry, it's
I'm a little thrown off. I was expecting
you guys to be so much older
than me. Um
One second. Let me get it out here.
Okay. Five. One,
two, three Whoa. Dropped one.
Sorry. It's three, four, five.
Sorry. It's my, it's my first night.
I-I'm in training, so
- Uh, thank you for your patience.
- [ENGINE STARTS]
Um, so I'm gonna need 40, uh,
$40
- for, uh
- [KNOCKS ON WINDOW]
I'm gonna I'm gonna need $40!
Oh, no, he didn't.
We got a problem here, fellas?
- Yeah, he-he-he's got a gun, so
- That's a gat.
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
- I got a gat.
- Shoot the tires.
- Um
What the hell is this?
Uh, that's the handle. Just the handle.
I can see that.
You're carrying around a gun handle?
Yeah, I found it in the trash.
- It's still cool, though.
- Oh, my God.
Dude, that was so stupid.
We could've gotten killed, Mac.
No, no, there's no b
there's no bullets.
You can't get killed
'cause there's not
- You can't get shot.
- CHARLIE: With their gun!
MAC: Oh, with their gun.
Yeah, with their gun
we could've gotten killed.
Oh! Got one. [LAUGHS]
All right, well,
look on the bright side, Mac.
We just made a quick 25 cents.
Hey. Hey, guys. Why the long faces?
Smokey's selling the rink.
- What?
- Yeah.
And Mac's a terrible drug dealer,
as am I, apparently.
I just don't know what I'm gonna
do with the rest of my life now.
How was work with your dad?
Oh, uh, yeah, it was cool. You know, um,
I learned a lot,
but I-I don't really think it's for me.
Oh? Really? Why? Like, what it is?
What-What's the work?
Uh, it's-it's-it's complicated,
you know?
It-It's, um, messy,
and-and-and I don't want
to describe what I saw.
- Why?
- Look, suffice it to say,
I-I don't want to have anything to do
with that kind of business,
you know what I mean?
And I'm starting to think
that my dad's a bad man.
- Really?
- You know what, man?
You can go your own way.
You're your own man.
Mark my words,
you're probably never
gonna see that guy again
for the rest of your life.
- I hope not.
- Yeah.
Guys, check this out.
What if we
what if we went into business,
like, for ourselves?
- Yeah.
- You know? - Yeah.
Like-like, we do what Dennis's
dad does at work, right,
but we do it with each other.
You don't want to do
what my dad does, okay?
[STAMMERS] And definitely
not with each other.
- All right.
- Um, so, I'd like to clarify
by saying that I think what we should do
is invest in ourselves.
Yeah, I mean, like, right,
that's what I mean.
Like, check this out, like,
what if we buy the rink from Smokey?
Oh, shit.
- We own the roller rink?
- Yeah.
Like, the three of us,
together as partners?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
I-I got four grand right here.
Oh, my God. That's crazy.
I just got five grand from my dad.
Oh, dudes, that's perfect.
I just got 25 cents,
uh, from the machine over there.
25 cents is not gonna get us shit, man.
Oh, no, I mean, I just got it now.
I have more saved up. [CHUCKLES]
Well, okay, well,
how much do you have total?
From the machines and my paycheck
and just, like,
saving the quarters and shit,
I've saved up, like, $57,000.
- Holy shit, man.
- Oh, that's-that's-that's
- Uh
- You know what?
That actually might be enough
- for an equal partnership with us.
- Yes.
- Yeah. Well
- Yeah.
- Equal doesn't quite make sense
- Hey, you know what,
I'm starving.
Do they have sandwiches here?
Well, yeah, you know,
they do have sandwiches.
- Would you like a sandwich?
- Yeah. You want something with meat on it?
The sandwiches are good, but, like
I'm-I'm paying.
I'll pay for the sandwich.
Equal just doesn't totally make sense.
ANNOUNCER: Let's give it up
for the Sweet Dee Skaters.
- They're-they're starting the dance.
- All right, here we go.
[APPLAUSE]
And then we'll have sandwiches
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Oh, man.
- Let's go, Dee!
- Yeah. Looking good. All right. Go, Dee!
- [WHOOPS]
- Oh, thanks, guys. You rock!
- MAC: Let's go, Sweet Dee!
DENNIS: Come on, Dee.
- Yeah. All right. Let's go, sis.
- Come on, Dee!
["JUST A GIRL" BY NO DOUBT PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES]
Take this pink ribbon off my eyes ♪
I'm exposed,
and it's no big surprise ♪
Don't you think I know ♪
Exactly where I stand? ♪
This world is forcing me to hold ♪
Your hand ♪
'Cause I'm just a girl ♪
Look at her go, man.
Yeah, she's really flying, huh?
Imagine if she didn't have
to slow down for her friends.
She doesn't have to. No, no, no.
I-I When she asked me
to tighten her skates,
I secretly loosened them, you know,
'cause real friends don't
slow each other down, right?
- They help them soar.
- let me have any rights ♪
Oh. Oh! [SCREAMS]
- Oh!
- Oh, shit! - Ooh!
MAC: Goddamn.
Ooh. That was brutal.
You all right?
Hey. Stop it! Get off me, bitch!
[PANTING]
Hey, sis, are-are you okay?
You hit your head pretty hard there.
Yeah, I'm fine, you small-haired cunt.
- Whoa.
- What? Excuse me?
It was a joke, okay?
Oh, you don't understand humor?
It was a joke. That's why she was
- Oh.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Hey-hey, Dee, um,
we're gonna buy the rink.
Do you want to be part-owner with us?
[MOCKINGLY]: Oh, oh, oh, are you?
Yeah, we could really use
your positive attitude.
Oh, oh, oh, could you?
[NORMAL VOICE]:
You know what you could also use?
A breath mint 'cause your mouth smells
like you just ate a giant
slice of shit pizza.
Okay, I'm confused, Dee.
D-Do you want to be in?
N-N-N-N-No, Charlie.
Thank you, anyway,
but I don't want to be involved
with you losers, okay?
'Cause you're losers.
I'm moving to Hollywood.
I'm gonna get rich,
I'm gonna get famous,
and I'm probably gonna marry Scott Wolf.
Get out of my way, bitch!
Leave me alone!
Sweet Dee is not being very sweet.
You know what?
She just got her bell rung.
She's gonna be fine.
Oh, dude, that's what it is, right?
I-I'm sure by tomorrow it'll wear off,
- and she'll be back to spreading her sunshine again, right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- All right, come on, let's go buy this rink.
- Yeah. Let's do it.
- All right. Let's go buy a roller rink.
Smokey!
You want to buy my joint?
Absolutely, Smokey. I mean, look, uh,
we heard you're selling it,
and we-we want to be the buyers.
Yeah, and we will pay any price.
Yeah. Well, well, hang-hang on a second.
No, we won't pay any price.
We'll pay the appropriate
price for a roller rink.
The rink? [SCOFFS]
I don't own this place.
I just work here for the free parking.
- Oh.
- Oh.
I own the bar around the corner.
- There's a bar around the corner?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
That place is a real dump.
- Oh. Okay. Uh
- Okay.
- Uh, we'll take it. Any price.
- Well, well, hang on a second.
- We don't know if we'll take it. We haven't even seen it yet.
- Stop saying that.
You are a terrible negotiator.
How do you?
He's a really bad drug dealer, too, man.
- DENNIS: I can tell.
- CHARLIE: Yeah.
Paddy's, huh?
You guys like that name?
- No.
- No. - No, right?
- No, it's terrible.
- It's pretty bad. - We'll change it.
- Yeah.
- Definitely. First thing we do.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Should we check it out?
- Yeah.
Smells like fish. You guys smell that?
- Yeah.
- It does smell like fish.
- Get a cooler sign, you know?
- Yeah.
'Cause it's kind of,
like, old and wooden.
Huh.
Yeah, uh
DENNIS: I mean, you know,
doesn't-doesn't quite
have the same pageantry
as a roller rink, but, uh
Well,
there's a-a palpable sadness in here.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I feel that.
- And a stink, right? Like Yeah.
- Yeah.
But that said, I mean,
you know, it's got potential.
Right. It doesn't have
to be this, right?
Like, check it out.
We could gut this place,
make it totally our own, right?
- Yes. Yes!
- Make it whatever we want. - Yes.
Yes. We could become really
successful bar owners, right?
- Of course we could, dude.
- Like, the most
successful bar owners in
all of South Philadelphia,
- in all of the country.
- That's reasonable.
Guys, mark my words,
when we're finished with this place,
you're not even gonna recognize it.
- I got a lot of things wrong.
- Yeah.
Yeah. We really didn't change that much.
No. No, you haven't even
changed clothes, for instance.
You're still wearing
the same sweatshirt.
- [LAUGHS]
- Hey, can I talk to you guys
about the, uh, percentage
shares of the bar for a second?
Oh, shit. Uh
Sandwiches.
[STAMMERS] We were gonna get
Oh, yeah, we-we got, uh, sandwiches.
- Yeah, we got sandwiches from a place, and, uh
- Are you hungry?
Yeah, you hungry? You want a sandwich?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You're gonna have to pay for it.
- Let's get Charlie a sandwich.
I'm gonna check the sandwich thing out.
Don't it always seem to go ♪
That you don't know what
you've got till it's gone? ♪
They paved paradise,
put up a parking lot ♪
Ooh, bop-bop-bop-bop ♪
Ooh, bop-bop-bop-bop ♪
They took all the trees ♪
Put 'em in a tree museum ♪
And they charged the people ♪
A dollar and a half just to see 'em ♪
Don't it always seem to go ♪
That you don't know what
you've got till it's gone? ♪
They paved paradise,
put up a park ♪