Live at The Apollo (2004) s15e03 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Guz Khan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Live At The Apollo! Listen, you lot are vibes, innit? I'm feeling it.
CHEERING You know what, Apollo? It scares me, innit, like, I'm a grown man, yeah, I'm confident in who I am.
I know that generally, intrinsically human beings are good people, but it makes me fearful, man, when you hear this rhetoric, when you see this horrible division that we've got in our country at the moment, it makes me scared for the future.
Specifically, it makes me scared for my kids.
That's right, London Apollo, I have children, I am a father.
Thank you.
CHEERING It's fine.
Usually I get more of a cheer than that, but some of you are thinking, "They do fucking breed, don't they? "No, they do.
No, they do.
No, they do.
There's no denying it.
"He's probably got 12 kids.
"Between the comedy money and the benefits, "that's about 40 grand a year.
" LAUGHTER I do, man, I worry for my kids, and kids changed my life.
Eight years ago, me and my wife were blessed with a beautiful baby girl.
I mean, like, she changed our lives, bro.
She's a lot like her mum, actually - she's conscientious, she's intelligent, and I teach my baby girl something fundamental every single day, and that is that she is the future, that women are the future, and she can be whoever she wants in this world.
That's what I teach my baby girl.
CHEERING A lot of cheering from the ladies there.
Still some old-school fellas in the room like, "Oh, thanks, Khan.
" LAUGHTER "Banging on about Muslims and terrorism, "and now, I knew it, I always knew he had a fanny in his pants.
"He's a feminist, this geezer.
" Two years after we had my daughter, we had a baby boy.
Er, listen, listen, listen.
I want to be real with you, OK? As a parent, I know it's probably not the most responsible thing to do by admitting this on TV, but he's my favourite, all right? I can't help it, he's my favourite.
Big eyes, curly hair, like, he changed my life.
A year into us having this baby boy, he developed a lisp.
Now, some of you might be thinking, "Well, speech impediment, "you've got to be careful with that.
" Not with this guy.
It worked out fine.
When I go home from a long shift at work, it doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, he runs down the stairs, he says, "Oh, dads! "Oh, dads! "Dads, I missed you, man.
I love you, Dads.
" I'm all right, it's cute, but the first couple of times he said that, I had to back him up, I say, "Yo, yo, yo, listen, lickle man "Dad-S?" "Come here.
While I've been away, "how many dads have been in this place?" "Count 'em!" Turns out it was just a lisp.
It worked out fine.
So Lispy and my daughter are living their best lives.
And two years after Lispy, we had an ugly kid.
Totebutters youth.
Apollo, for those of you who are parents who have seen that shit on Channel 4, when people are giving birth in their birthing pods, they put them in a see-through plastic tub, yeah? And I was looking at this ting like, yo.
Yo! What is this? He looks nothing like my other kid.
Is this some kind of Venezuelan hospital swap shit? Cos I want my real baby.
Bring me my real baby, nurse.
Nurse wants to get clever with me.
She says, "Ha-ha! Mr Khan, I think if you look closely, "you'll see he looks a lot like you.
" I say, "You shut up.
You shut up! "Nurse lady.
"Ain't got time for your bullshit.
"Go put someone's catheter on, go away.
" So real talk, Apollo, I was there looking at this ting like, what do I do now? What's next? It turns out, and I checked, legally, you have to take them home.
So I took it home.
I remember that walk to the car.
I had him in the bloody car seat and I put him in.
I didn't buckle it because it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.
I just put him in.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER Drove on the bumpiest road home that I could remember.
We get home.
Every parent in this room knows that the next phase of what I was about to do is the most important phase to a new parent.
When you introduce your new baby to their already existing siblings.
And there they were, my baby girl and Lispy, they were ready for it.
I asked my baby girl to come forward, I said, "Baby girl, come forward, please.
"Here's your new brother.
" And she said "Daddy.
"Daddy, I want to go and play.
" I said, "You go play.
I wish I could go play with you.
Go.
" She's like her mum, innit? Conscientious.
Bright.
She can judge a situation.
Lispy, however, is like his dad.
Lispy was there, like, "Yeah, ooh, new babies! "New babies coming in the house! New baby! Show me the" "Dads.
Dads! "His face look like shit.
" And I'm like, "Yeah!" Lispy knows wha gwan.
Time passes, man.
Listen.
I was living with this every day.
Now, me and my family have got a nice, simple routine we like to do.
It's mainly free.
I am Asian, so I do gravitate towards those kind of things.
We wake up in the morning.
We come downstairs.
We have breakfast.
We watch TV.
Nice and simple.
My daughter's usually the first one to wake up.
She wakes me up.
"Daddy, Daddy, let's go down.
" I join her.
And then she puts on her favourite show.
And her favourite show is Peppa Pig.
SCATTERED WHOOPING Now, hold on a minute.
Lot of liberal white people in the room.
I know some of you are thinking, "Guz, Guz, Peppa Pig.
"Are you Are you allowed to watch that?" "Is that a halal television programme?" Shut up, Linda.
It's fine, it's a good show.
She's watching her favourite show, Lispy comes running down, like, "Yeah, George Pigs! My guy, George Pigs!" And then five minutes later, my wife brings down It Chapter Three.
She brings it Every morning, can't get away from it! And by this stage, about 14 months in now, yeah, he's trying to balance his head, so he's just like, "Uggghh! Ugggh!" Every single morning.
I'm stressed out.
It's a small house.
I say, "Guys, we need to get out of here and facilitate better vibes.
"Let's go to the park.
Even the butters one.
"Everybody, let's go to the park.
Get out and get some fresh air.
" Get to the park.
Parents, these days, you can't be more than careful.
All right? You know there's a lot of weirdos running around in parks and stuff.
I give my children a clear message.
Baby girl, mwah, Daddy loves you.
You are the future.
I need you to be safe.
Stay in my peripheral vision.
Go, live your life.
Lispy! Lispy, come here, baby boy.
Lispy, say silly sausages for Daddy.
"Sillysilly sausages, Daddy.
" Good boy! Get out of here, Lispy, go on.
Love that boy.
This gremlin-looking kid! Sometimes I just let him walk away.
Go! Go! Past the monkey bars, past the swings, outside the park where I can't see him no more.
And I know some of you are thinking, "Guz, that is You are a disgusting human being.
" I know, it's my shortcoming.
It's all about aesthetics for me and my children.
Yeah? "Guz, anything could happen to that child "when he goes out of your sight.
" Nothing's going to happen to him.
You haven't seen his face! You know, Live At The Apollo, a lot of people don't know when and how they're going to die.
I do.
It's when he grows up, sees this and shanks me in my forehead.
That's what's going to happen.
There's no good ending to it, what can I say? You know what's mad, though? As I've said previously, I believe women are the future.
And I believe this not based on opinion.
I believe it based on fact.
Factually, as my time as a teacher, the girls outshone the boys in decision-making and just doing the right thing.
And I see it no more clearly than I see it in my nieces and nephews.
I have two amazing young women and three bollocks in one ballsack.
They are The most stupid out of all of them by far is my eldest nephew.
You know what? Despite the fact that I know he's a plonker, I still volunteered to be his next of kin because I'm a responsible uncle, OK? His mum works hard.
She's an amazing sister to me, an amazing mother to him.
I'm like, you know what? If anything pops off, don't you worry.
Uncle Guz is here.
Usually I'm not bothered by this, but it was one afternoon about three months ago, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognise.
Brrr-brrr! I picked the ting up.
I was like, "Yo, wha gwan, it's Guz.
" The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Hello? Hi, yeah.
"I'm, uh, I'm looking for a Mr Khan.
"It's in relation to Aman Khan.
"He's been involved in a very serious incident.
" I immediately changed my voice and I said, "Hello, yes.
Yep.
Yep.
"You're speaking to Mr Khan.
My friend picked up the phone, "he's never coming back.
How can I? "How can I help you again? Serious incident, you said?" She said, "Yes.
We need you to come to school "as a matter of urgency.
"We really need to look into this together.
" Put the phone down, I'm like, yo.
It's a matter of urgency.
But I'll finish watching the first series of Rick And Morty.
I'll finish watching that.
It's a good show.
I'll finish watching that.
Jumped in my car, raced down to school.
We all go into the parent consultation room.
She says, "Take a seat, Mr Khan.
" I said, "There's no need for a seat.
"You know, my name's Mr Khan.
Guz Khan.
You might see me on TV.
"Now listen to me, teacher lady.
"Hey! "You have failed in your duty of care.
"I have a CRB check.
I think I have one.
"I don't know.
What I'm saying is "Never checked.
What I'm saying is, "I'm qualified to tell you where you're falling short.
"That's my nephew.
I ain't never seen him so upset in his life.
"Who has been messing with my nephew?" That's when she leaned back in her chair.
IMITATES CREAKING She looked at me dead in the eye and she said, "Oh, Mr Khan.
"Who has been "Who's been messing with your nephew? "I believe the key question is, "who has your nephew been messing with?" "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
" "That's correct, Mr Khan.
"Who has your nephew been messing with? "I'm afraid we found him guilty, Mr Khan, of sexting "the entire year 11 cohort.
" WHOOPING I said, "Listen, teacher lady, I am sorry, this is our fault, OK? "It's the fault of a lot of people.
"We give our children and our youngsters these smartphones.
"We don't educate them on how to use them.
"There's a plethora of filth out there, and danger.
"We failed as a family.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
" In my head, I'm thinking, "We've raised a pervert.
This is a disgrace.
"I just thought he was an idiot.
We've raised a pervert.
" "Can I apologise to anybody? Is there anything I can do, teacher lady?" Teacher lady says, "Mr Khan, it's too late for all of that.
"What we need from you is very simple.
"We need you to go through a healing process.
"And part of that healing process is that you look at the image.
" HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL So I'm here now.
Got a decision to make.
Do I view this image? And I chose yes.
Took that phone, I turned it around.
Doba doba doba Mmm! Is that you, big man, yeah? See, Live At The Apollo, I was concerned for a moment that we'd raised a pervert, but it turns out he is always what we knew he was.
Which is a dumb twat.
Because he has clearly spent six and a half hours photoshopping a 12-inch black penis onto his body .
.
to send to the entire year 11 cohort.
And in all that time, he didn't think to pick the same colour dick that he's got.
Disgrace.
Apollo, you ready for your first act? CHEERING Welcome to the stage, my sister from another mister, Kiri Pritchard-McLean! Come get 'em, Kir! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING SHE LAUGHS Hello, Apollo! Are you well? CHEERING Thanks so much for having me.
And just to clarify, before I go any further, I'm a Welsh person just in case Yes! We've got some in, lovely.
Do you know what? People always ask me, like, is there any real difference between being Welsh and English? I think the biggest difference is, if you are Welsh, you can wave your flag and not automatically look like a racist.
Yeah, I'm really proud to be Welsh and I have to clarify because I know my accent is all over the place, so I have to tell people where I come from because I'm one of those people - I don't know if anyone else is like this - I just pick up the accent of wherever I am.
Does anyone else Yeah, you do that.
Yeah.
I'm terrible for it.
I daren't go on holiday to Japan.
That's where I am with it.
So when I go back home to North Wales WELSH ACCENT: .
.
everyone talks like this, I end up speaking like this because everyone talks really quickly and I end up picking it up back into my accent.
NATURAL ACCENT: But I've lived in Manchester for ten years now.
MANCHESTER ACCENT: So I'm like, y'all right, our kid? NATURAL ACCENT: It comes out in my voice.
And I spend a lot of time working down in London as well.
So I end up sounding unhappy.
I'm typical Welsh girl, to look at me.
This is what all Welsh women look like.
Not overdressed, just Just this kind of stature.
Like Shetland pony legs, dart-player gut, pair of tits that belong in the WI.
That's what we're dealing with.
These look like they should be swinging over a Victoria sponge, don't they? I am like And it's I've got big boobs, it's just a thing, right? But I'm here to make them less sexy.
I think big boobs have been over-sexualised.
Give us a cheer if you've got big boobs.
CHEERING Don't be shy, lads, I can see you.
It's not your fault, it's because we're all on the pill, isn't it? I get told I'm seeking attention for the things I wear because I have big boobs.
Some guy was like, "Yeah, well, you always wear low-cut tops.
" No, I don't.
This is just the shape of a top when you put tits as heavy as mine in it.
Thank you.
I like my boobs.
I'm quite fond of them.
I wouldn't get rid of them.
They're settled now.
It's weird, though.
People treat it like it's an achievement.
They do.
They're like, "Well done.
" Like, what? It's a sack of fat, not a 2:1.
You'll know if you've got big boobs, shopping is very different, right? Bra shopping is a nightmare.
You can't just buy a bra from anywhere.
You need to go specialist.
And by specialist, I do mean Marks & Spencer's.
Yes, they know how to deal with a heavy titty over there.
They're amazing.
They're so good.
And this is the thing, I'll go bra shopping with my girls who've got lovely pert titties.
Very different experience, right? Because I need something that was basically forged by a blacksmith under a full moon.
They can just pick up whatever they like and it'll fit them, right? And this is the thing you might not know about bras, is that they give bras names.
They give them girl's names.
It's a very weird thing they do, right? So my friends with lovely pert titties, they'll pick out a bra and it'll be called, like, Tina or Maria.
They'll give them the names of girls that used to bully you at school.
That's what they do.
You know those girls who carried the Jane Norman bag? Those bitches.
It's all right.
We've played the long game, we've seen them on Facebook.
We've won.
Enjoy your lash-extension business, babe.
APPLAUSE I went there.
I went into Marks & Spencer's, I needed a specific bra to go with a specific dress, right? Went in, tried it on, I was like, perfect.
Got it down to the till.
And as they scanned it at the till, the name of my bra came up.
What was my bra called? Doreen.
Doreen! I feel like I'm two cup sizes away from a Keith.
The weirdest thing about having boobs that you have to get used to, if you've got cleavage, right, is that you're just going to have to get used to the fact that over the course of the day, things that you don't know about will fall down there.
When I take my bra off at the end of the day, I've got no idea what's going to fall out of there.
And by the way, that is the only good thing about having big boobs.
The bigger the boob, the better the feeling when you take your bra off at the end of the day.
And it is quite the feeling, isn't it? So good.
Honestly, if there's any heterosexual couples here, right, and you guys are like, "I'm not sure I'm doing it for my girl in the bedroom.
" Listen to the noise she makes as she takes her bra off at the end of the day.
If it's anywhere near the same area, you're smashing it, lad, I promise you.
Got no idea what's going to come out.
I've taken my bra off at the end of the day, I've had a whole bourbon fall out of there.
I've not had biscuits that day.
Where's that come from? I've got no idea what's going to fall out of there.
Nazi gold, Michael Barrymore's career.
I don't know what's in there.
Honestly, these boobs have got me in trouble.
The first time my partner and I were going to sleep together, there was a lot of tension because I was like, OK, tonight, it's on, then.
This is the night that we're going to bang, right.
I was like, "OK, I want to make this as great as I can.
" So I went out, bought myself a new bra, treated myself, got the Janice.
Yes, please! Sometimes you just want the tits of a dinner lady, don't you? So we're having a bit of a kiss.
I was like, OK.
It's the time to take my bra off.
But the problem is with a new bra, you don't always know the physics of it, right? Because the elastic's like, "Yes, sir!" Whereas my bras are like, "Oh, for God's sake, please just burn me.
"Oh, God! Please, please let me go to the other side! "There's been six prime ministers since you bought me.
"There's been seven prime ministers since you bought me.
" I don't know when this is going out.
"There's been eight prime ministers since you bought me.
" APPLAUSE Went to take my bra off and it had a bit of fight to it and I didn't know about that.
So I took my bra off, trying to do it in, like, a sexy way, and it sort of pinged.
Because of this elastic.
And as it pinged, it released what I can only describe as a projectile.
So I took my bra off and .
.
a whole cashew nut came flying out and it landed on the pillow perfectly.
Like, you know when you go to a crap B&B and they put a chocolate mint there? It was like a low GI, vegan one of those.
I mean, we've both seen it.
Of course we have.
Both looking at it out the corner of our eye.
I know he's seen it because he had to duck as it went over his head.
I'm just going to have to style this out.
Don't want this to ruin the moment.
So I was like, OK.
I was like "That's for you, big boy.
Slow-release energy.
"You're going to fucking need it.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You've been lovely.
Thank you so much for being gorgeous.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Round of applause for Kiri, ladies and gentlemen! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Listen, you've got one final act to go.
You may have seen him on Mock The Week.
Welcome to the stage, my brother, Mr Rhys James! Go on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Hello.
Hello, everyone.
It's nice to meet you.
My name is Rhys James, everyone all right? I'm in a relationship.
Have been for five years, trying to keep it fresh.
Long time, innit, five years, trying to do new things, excite each other, keep each other on our toes.
She keeps talking about how she wants to have sex outside .
.
of the relationship.
I think we learn about sex too young, you know? I'm 11.
I'm 28.
It's called Nivea.
Relax.
We're taught about it too young.
Growing up, my mum said, "If you masturbate too much, you go blind.
" It's a weird thing to say to a child.
"If you masturbate too much, you go blind.
" And then one week ago, she asked me to drive her to get laser-eye surgery.
It's not ideal, my life, it's not perfect.
But we're trying to keep it fresh, trying to do new things, me and my girlfriend, reading all these articles about what you can do to keep the spark alive in a relationship.
Saw this article recently, the headline said, "Couples who schedule sex have better sex.
" No.
Couples who schedule sex are available to take a survey.
That is all you've found out, that is all your research has revealed, I'm afraid.
We moved in together this year, me and my girlfriend, because we were too happy and .
.
we felt it was time to present ourselves with a needless challenge.
So we moved in together, and now that we live together, my life is basically just answering the question, "Are you cold?" That's all it is.
Right? That is all she wants to know every ten minutes.
"Are you cold?" I'm like, "Oh, not on the outside.
" Anyway I'm joking, in truth - I love living with her.
It's great to go back home to her after a nice, successful night of slagging her off.
It feels good.
"How was the show?" "Don't worry about it.
"Never come and watch.
Never come and watch.
" We moved into this flat, right? And we're renting this flat.
And I suppose I didn't need to clarify that bit.
No-one's watching this so far going, "Well, this is a homeowner.
" We're renting this flat.
And there's all these surprises in our new flat.
Like, it turns out that our double bed is actually just two single beds that had been pushed together, like a Travelodge.
It's unacceptable.
I couldn't have known that on the house viewing, could I? Because that bed had a sheet on it.
I don't know if you've been on a house viewing lately, you won't lift that sheet up.
You are allowed to, but it is frowned upon.
OK? You have to assume what's under the sheet.
It's very much like a morgue in that sense.
I know what's under there, not my sort of thing.
The only way it could have been worse - if I'd moved in, lifted up that sheet and there had been a dead body under it.
And the only way that could have been worse if it was two dead bodies that had been pushed together.
I'd have been furious.
That old trick, how dare you? That's the problem with house viewings in this country.
There's no try before you buy with a house.
It's the most important decision you can make - where you're going to live for at least a year.
And all you get to do is look at it for ten minutes.
You don't get to spend the night in it.
You just get to look around it for ten minutes, and you get shown around it by a sort of tour guide.
But it's a tour guide who has also never been there before in their life.
And that is the estate agent, which is either a girl who used to work in Tiger Tiger, or it is a man who is one ill-timed wolf-whistle away from a tribunal.
Those are the options.
Either/or with estate agents.
And you've got to spend that whole ten minutes sniffing for damp, haven't you? That's the process.
Sniff, sniff, sniff.
Like a puppy, nonstop sniffing in a house viewing.
I spent so long sniffing in one flat, I put an offer in and they said no cos they thought I had a coke habit.
I said, "That shows I've got disposable income.
"You should be pleased!" This is where I'm at.
I'm looking at flats to rent that almost definitely have damp.
That's me.
That's my generation, none of my parents' generation, those pricks.
My parents' generation with their houses they own with their multiple floors, their lack of damp and their porches.
Porches! These people have porches.
My generation can't afford a house, let alone a little pre-house before you even get in the house.
One little glass roof for an umbrella and a single pizza leaflet.
Are you kidding me? You people take the piss.
The only reason I want to own a house is so I don't have to have a landlord.
Some of the worst people in the world.
Should have known - clue's in the name.
Land-lord.
Think about the words I am saying to you.
Lord.
As in Voldemort.
That is not a good guy, OK? My landlord, I'm not allowed to speak to him directly.
That's true.
That's cos I've got what's known as a "property manager".
His name is "Jonathan".
But he spells it with an O-N at the end.
So it's Jonathon.
Freaks me out every time I see his name written down.
Top of an e-mail.
Jonathon.
Makes me feel like we're going to get sponsored to hang out exclusively with Johns for a year.
Sorry, Mark, can't see you tonight, on a bit of a Jonathon at the moment.
Catch you next time.
Get on JustGiving, it's a great cause.
OK! That's my life.
If I want to speak to my landlord, I've got to speak to Jonathon first.
That's the process.
I'm CCing the Thon.
This is who I've become.
If my landlord wants to speak to me, he's got to say what he wants to say to John and then John says it to me, like he's Sooty.
OK.
There's a generation divide in here and I've found out, haven't I? Holy shit.
Maybe it's just puppet fans, non-puppet fans.
Very hard to tell.
Basically, in January, our boiler broke and we were desperately trying to get it fixed, obviously.
It was taking ages, no-one was replying to us.
Jonathon, he was completely ignoring us, he wasn't saying shit.
The landlord, he wasn't replying to anyone, but he was busy with Sweep and Soo.
We were desperately trying to get it fixed and we got suspicious, me and my girlfriend, that the landlord was ghosting us on purpose because he didn't want to pay for the boiler to get fixed.
So my girlfriend looked up all the leasehold and freehold information on the block of flats that we live in.
She wrote out every name who owns a piece of the building.
Then she looked at all post for two months, wrote down all of those names.
She compared lists.
Through a process of elimination, she worked out our landlord is Marcel, he lives in New Zealand.
She then used that to get his company information and his e-mail address, which she used to send him an e-mail that was blank, except for a picture of her doing that and a copy of the Landlord Responsibilities contract that he signed when we moved in.
And that is why I am never breaking up with my girlfriend.
I mean, Jesus! APPLAUSE So he fixed the boiler eventually.
Cos he's scared of my girlfriend and rightly so.
She'll slash him up.
But Still got the two single beds.
He didn't fix the single It's ridiculous, two single beds.
And they're single mattresses and they're memory foam, but they've still got all the memories of the last tenants in 'em.
My guy was 5'4", it's like sleeping in a wheelbarrow.
One little ditch for my whole body.
Pathetic.
I was furious about it for ages, man.
Now I realise, this is a positive.
We're a millennial couple.
We live in London.
We can't afford a spare room.
But now, if me and my girlfriend have an argument, we can just push our beds apart and sleep like teenage brothers on a family holiday.
"Do you want to play truth or dare?" "Truth.
" "Are you cold?" APPLAUSE Apollo, thank you very much.
I'm Rhys James, goodbye.
Thank you, cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Live At The Apollo, Rhys James, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you for coming out tonight.
First of all, give it up for the one and only Rhys James.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And give it up for Kiri Pritchard-McLean! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And I will see you again soon.
I've been Guz Khan, take care, thank you very much.
Love and peace, ladies and gentlemen!