Celebrity Juice (2008) s15e04 Episode Script
Dean Cain, Ashley Roberts, Will Mellor, Sid Owen
1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon, and these are my not new titles.
Well, if it ain't broken.
There's Holly Willoughbooby coming out of giant clam.
She's still got them bangers! There's Fearne Cotton, who's back after having another baby! There's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo with a tiny willy, just like in real life.
We're here in heaven, but we're not dead, it's an elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
What's that show? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not 4K ready.
What's 4K? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ooh! Ha-hey! Argh! Hoorah! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Thank you.
Holly, who's on your team? On my right, she's a super sexy lady, it's Ashley Roberts! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my left, he was The Jump's very own Superman, but tonight he's my very own Superman, it's Dean Cain! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome! Let's meet our other team captain.
She's got the longest minge in show business, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, who's on your team? Oh, well, on my left, I've got TV legend Mr Will Mellor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, I've got our very own Superman, it's Sid Owen.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) RICKY! RICKY! RICKY! You've never heard that before, have you? RICKY! Are you OK? Holly, you've got an all-American team.
Yeah.
But can you do an American accent? What should I say? IN AMERICAN ACCENT: I would love a hot dog! IN AMERICAN ACCENT: I would love a hot dog! IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Right up my asshole! (APPLAUSE) Mellor.
Yo.
You're an actor.
You must be able to do an American accent.
Can you do one? IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Yeah.
I like all the weird alternative words they use, like what do you call aluminium? 'Aluminum'! IN AMERICAN ACCENT: 'Aluminum'! It's so much easier than aluminium.
Really? But it's English, we created the language, so fuck (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, what's that noise? Is it a bird? # SUPERMAN THEME Oh! Specifically a pigeon.
Is it a plane? Ridiculous! (APPLAUSE) No, it's Dean Cain, AKA Superman! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
This is the first time for you, it's the first time for us.
You were in Lois and Clark, The New Adventures of Superman.
Look at that! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What was it like being Superman? It was fantastic.
Playing that role was a dream come true.
Did you get to keep I would have, but we got cancelled after Teri got pregnant between font color="# was not able to shoot, so they called me and said, 'We're done.
' I hate it when people get pregnant, they ruin the fucking show.
Yeah.
There's no more babies.
We're done.
We're done.
We're done.
Have your had your tubes tied? No.
Then you're not done! I used to love watching your show - Teri Hatcher, incredible, she's beautiful.
That was Superman on BBC 1.
Then you'd flip over to ITV and you've got Baywatch.
One weekend, I was taken to the doctor's cos of loss of fluids.
Did you ever have a mangetout with her? No.
Never?! That never, ever happened.
You've got tights and the underpants on, when you did a romantic scene, she must have felt a little traveller sometimes? You'd have to ask her that question.
Did you have to think of your tax bill whilst you were kissing her so you didn't get a stiffy? We've got some pictures of Dean when he was looking buff back in the '90s.
They were the '90s.
I used to have a version of that poster on my wall in black-and-white, and I used to just cover one eye and just go like that.
(APPLAUSE) I think we've got some more of our panellists looking buff.
I think we've got Will looking buff.
No, don't do Look at Will looking buff! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's amazing! Wow! What are you doing? What's going through your mind? 'This is gonna come back to haunt me at some point.
' Sid, we tried to find a picture of you with your top off.
There's none.
We couldn't find any.
No.
But we did find these pictures.
That's amazing! Who would have put them three colours toget Look at that one! 'Hey! Look at my fucking sweater!' I think we've got another one of you just relaxing.
In your waterproof fishing pants! I wasn't even doing kids' TV there.
Looks like Timmy Mallet's younger brother! The girls are trying to figure something out, Sid.
What?/fo What do you call male camel toe? Have I got one? Cock bulge.
You shouldn't be looking at that! It's looking at me, honey! RICKY! It's Sid Owen in the hizzouse! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Sid Owen, welcome to Celebrity Juice for the first time.
I know.
That's weird.
I know! Thank you for having me! How has that not happened? I keep missing it.
Yeah.
We've booked him before, he goes, 'I can't be bothered.
I'm fucking drunk.
' Why have you got 3D glasses on? When you watch something that's 3D, the person at home puts the glasses on, we don't put them on to make it 3D.
Oh, really? I didn't know that.
Are those 3D glasses? They are, yeah.
Oh, put them back on.
You played Ricky Butcher in EastEnders for 24 years.
Whoa.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, I started when I was six.
You were six?! Yeah.
You look older than six, don't you? When they put you with Patsy Palmer, who has ginger hair, did you go, 'Can I do it with a brown-haired person?' I did try.
I mean, look at me, I can't be fussy.
You used to be a looker, you look a bit tired now, though.
You left EastEnders in 2012, when you announced you were retiring from acting.
Well, I think I just said that as a wind-up to some journalist, but I'm never retired.
Exclusive - he hasn't retired! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Would you go back to EastEnders? Absolutely.
All day long.
Should he go back? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What if they asked someone else to play Ricky? Well, you can play Bianca.
No, I can play Bianca, yeah.
What if they asked someone else to play Ricky, and not you? I would fucking kill them.
Yeah? What about singing? Are you retired from singing? I forgot you did songs! He's so good! I've heard him, he's brilliant.
He's so good! Who'd like to hear Sid singing? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well, watch this.
# We've got a good thing going This is a tune! # A real good thing going, yeah # That girl and me # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You love that song, don't you? Yeah.
Look at Will's face sat there.
'Oh, fuck, I fucking had a career in music, as well.
' Don't start! 'I hope they don't play my video.
' No, don't do that! You done me last time! We couldn't find your video.
Good.
/ Of course we could fucking find it! Have a look at this! Who am I praying to? I don't know.
You don't know how to wear a coat, do you? And it's pissing down! Sing, then! Sing, then! Who's that clown? What the fuck is that?! # When I need love # I hold out my hands # And I touch love # Hold on, Ronald McDonald's coming back! Where is he? Argh! (APPLAUSE) That is the scariest video I've ever seen! Sid, whilst we're talking about music, you're good friends with Adele, aren't you? I am.
She's doing all right.
She's doing very well.
She looks fucking fit now.
She's smashing it.
I told her you were coming on, I said, 'Could you possibly do us a video message and send it to t'show?' And she didn't.
She fucking has! She's in Manchester, she's on tour right now.
Oh, right.
She's done a message.
Here it is.
Hello! It's me, Adele, that's my song.
Every time I say, 'Hello,' everyone says, 'That's your song.
' Hello, I'm Adele, live from Manchester, as you can see.
I wanna wish Sid all the best, you're brilliant.
Don't stop acting, don't retire.
I remember when we was at school, playing Doctors and Nurses, and you stuck a lollipop stick up my bum and made me say, 'Ah!' (CACKLES) That's how I learned to sing.
Anyway, good luck.
Call me, yeah? Can you smell wet dog? I can smell wet dog.
(APPLAUSE) She's so lovely! Hey, it's Ashley Roberts from the Pussy Juice Girls! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Pussy Juice! It says here you once had a sex dream about Harry Styles.
Oh, God! (LAUGHS) I said that out loud? Yeah, it happened.
Did you? It did! What happened? It was maybe, like, three years ago, and I was like, 'Oh, my God, I just had a sex dream about Harry Styles!' I Googled him, I called my friend, I was like, 'He's a baby child!' I had sex in my head with a baby child! I had a dream about you, Ashley.
Oh, God.
And it was a sex dream.
Surprise! Wow! Was I good? We were just having passionate normal sex, you know, me laying on top of you.
(GROANS) Then afterwards, I was about to wipe myself down with a sex flannel and watch t'Kardashians - A sex flannel? Yeah! I can't go to sleep with my dick smelling of minge! Doesn't everyone have a sex flannel? Do you keep those in a very separate place to your facial flannels? Why would it matter? Cos I'll be down there, too.
Listen, guys, you don't always wash your hands, do you? If you don't wee on your fingers.
Not always.
Sid, you never do! Even when he has a crap and his finger goes through t'toilet paper.
He'll just go I got a good thing going! (APPLAUSE) At Ascot, Ashley, you had an accident, didn't you, with Ant and Dec.
Oh, God.
There you are.
Whoo-hoo! But you look like Marilyn.
It's a white skirt, you've a got beautiful body.
Look at your face.
'Ooh, it's cold!' That bastard was down there.
I looked down, I saw him like this, and I was like, 'Oh, God!' I thought I caught it.
Let's see what you looked down at.
No, they didn't! (APPLAUSE) No, they didn't! Oh, my God! You are on another level right now.
OH, MY GOD! That's the clip they will use on Gogglebox when that old man's watching.
'I hate this fella!' 'I think he's a prick!' Hey, he's everybody's favourite fella, he's not Uri Geller, it's Will Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was good! Will, you're a good friend, but you do know you're here replacing Gino tonight? Gino couldn't make it tonight, so who do you get other than Gino? You get Bruno Tonioli, cos he's just exactly the same.
But he were busy in America doing Strictly.
So the questions I have here are all Bruno Tonioli questions.
You're an actor, so you should be able to act like him, yeah? How shit is that? You didn't even invite me on your show.
No, we wanted Bruno we didn't want you.
AUDIENCE: Aw! I wanted you on the show.
Bruno.
Yeah.
Do you really hate Craig Revel Horwood, or is it just for t'cameras? No, he's a (BLEEP)! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Can you do it in your Italian accent? No.
God! How's Len Goodman doing after his knee surgery? IN ITALIAN ACCENT: Not bad! Oh! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) IN ITALIAN ACCENT: After his operation, he was good.
I'm still You sound like Dracula! Bruno, what do you think of the British actor Will Mellor? IN ITALIAN ACCENT: He's a marvellous actor.
He's absolutely excellent actor.
(LAUGHS) I was trying to think of an Italian word, I couldn't think of one! IN ITALIAN ACCENT: He's a'bellissimo! If you do that, it's Italian.
He's excellent! IN ITALIAN ACCENT: He's a'bellissimo! Huge penis.
Hey, Bruno Tonioli, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, that was good.
Dean Cain, in homage to having a real superhero on the show, we're gonna do a series of superhero challenges, which will pit you against all the different panellists.
So every time you hear the Superman music, we will commence with one of those challenges.
Yeah? Yes.
# SUPERMAN THEME Oh, that's it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So let's play So here I am with Holly, as you can see.
She's sat in a chair used in The Voice - we stole it from the BBC, because we thought it's the ideal chair to play this game.
I never got to sit in one of these.
If on Saturday you see will.
i.
am in a deckchair, you'll know why.
I'll throw objects past you, Dean Cain will collet those items.
All you have to do is ID those items.
For each one you correctly ID, you get a point.
Got it.
Do you understand it? I totally understand.
Do you want to relay it back to me? You're gonna throw objects, I've gotta tell you what they are.
Doesn't matter.
Oosh! (MIMICS CHAIR WHIRRING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Stop! Back a bit.
Back a bit.
That'll do.
(MIMICS CHAIR WHIRRING) No, stop! Stop! (MIMICS CHAIR WHIRRING) Stop! Better? Yes, perfect.
As you can see, Holly has a camera on her head.
That's so you at home can join in and see what she is seeing.
Yeah? Yeah.
All right, then.
Ready, Dean? Ready, sir.
Don't fuck it up.
No way.
Here's the first item.
OK.
If you wanna play this at home, look away, because I'm showing what the item is.
Here goes.
Are you joking?! Dean, do you wanna throw it back? I mean, lit What was it? I have absolutely no idea.
It was just, like Come on, it's easy.
It's like a plastic bag of something.
Yes, but what is it? Is it a bag of frozen peas? No, it was two pints of lager and a packet of crisps! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Keith Don't look! Keith, this game's really, really hard.
You like hard things.
Ready? Yes.
(MEOW) OK, is it a Was it a pair of pants? A pair of pants that meow? A pair of pants that meow?! Throw it back, Dean.
(MEOW) OK, OK.
It was a white cat.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's the item.
Here it comes, Dean.
What is it, Holly? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He really is Superman! That was a pie.
No! What Throw it back, Dean.
Oh, I know.
If it wasn't a pie, it was a quiche.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is the item.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no! What is it? I don't like that! If you feel like you wanna catch this, why don't you catch it with your mouth? Here it comes.
FEARNE: It's like a javelin.
Is it a dildo? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) Thanks very much, Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm gonna convince Ashley to stick a mini egg up here arse and spew it all over my face.
We're going to an ad break, see you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break Whisk it up, that's it.
Until it's all whisked! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Sid.
Hello, mate.
You retired from acting, although you didn't retire.
You've retired from singing, but you haven't retired from singing.
No.
What I'm gonna do is put your acting talents to the test.
I want to get you out of retirement.
You're gonna put me back to work? You up for it? Hurry up before I get tired.
Right, OK, let' What Is Sid Owing? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What Is Sid Owing? What we're gonna do is send you into this bar around the corner from the studio.
We've got secret cameras rigged up in this bar.
I want you to go to this bar.
Using your acting skills, steal as many items as you can.
The more items you get, the more points you'll get.
I wanna say, I don't condone stealing.
I will be paying back the money that is owed to them, hence the game, What Is Sid Owing? For each one you bring back, you'll get a point.
OK.
If you get caught, I will take those points away and give them to Holly's team.
Yes! OK.
I'm gonna give you an earpiece, and I will guide you through it.
OK.
Here's the actual jacket you wrote in EastEnders, so you can put stuff in it.
Should I put that on? You took off one leather jacket, and put on the - But this one's slightly different.
This is more chav.
It's back then, innit? Hiya! Here's your earpiece.
Okey-dokey.
What in the pocket? What's that? Oh! They're yours! This is actually Ricky's jacket that you wore in EastEnders when you was with Bianca.
Yeah.
I've missed You got your earpiece? Is it that way? It's that way.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) If he gets caught, Holly's team, you will get the points for the things he's taken.
Are you there? Speak to me, Keith.
Are you a bit nervous? I'm shitting myself.
I'm from the fucking East End, ain't I? This is what we fucking do, innit? Amazing.
He's in.
Stop, stop.
Can you hear me? Yeah.
Have you got any napkins out the back? Napkins? font He's going straight for it.
Also, can I just get a pint of water? Is that all right? Yea Do you want any ice? Ice and lemon, yeah.
Can you hear me, Sid? Can you hear me? He's just nicking stuff! Look at him go! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Don't get caught! Sid, don't get caught! Have you got fresh lemon there? Fresh lemon! What crisps have you got? Can I have a look? Tell him who you are! Say, 'I'm Sid Owen!' Huh? Tell him! Tell him, 'I'm Sid Owen, me.
' You know who I am, don't you? Sid Owen.
Yeah.
They normally let us go behind the bar.
I just wanted to have a look at what sort of treats you've got on offer.
Get the manager! Say, 'Can I see the manager? I know him.
' Is the manager in? Say, 'I know him.
' Can I have a word with him? We've got a little party later, I wanted to organise some drinks for some friends.
OK, yeah.
He has been busy.
Is he? Bear with me Yeah, give him a shout.
Just say, 'Sid Owen's here.
' Look at him! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Come back, Sid! Run, run! Come back! Sid, now! Whoo! (LAUGHS) # We've got a good thing going (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # A real good thing going, yeah # That girl and me # And I have to ask # Oh, man! You did so good! What have you got? How many items? We're having a little party tonight.
Yes! One, two, three, four .
.
five (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) .
.
six .
.
seven Yeah! Hold on.
.
.
eight .
.
nine, ten .
.
11 items! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Ooh! Still 11 items.
We're gonna get someone to tot this up, how much we owe the bar.
Cos what we're gonna do is, the money we owe them, we will be taking that out of your fee being on the show.
The total is £46, so we owe you £14 for your fee.
(APPLAUSE) Sid Owen, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Don't worry, Sid, all the management knew about you coming in.
We don't condone stealing.
That was like one of those prank things that those Geordie kids do on t'telly that she's involved in.
We stole the idea.
Are the police waiting for me? He's worried about the police.
Can I tell him it'll be fine? Oh, the police are on their way.
And the scores after that round are STEALING! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # SUPERMAN THEME Oh.
There's the superhero theme tune again, so it's time now to play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, as you can see, I'm now in Ashley's kitchen, or recreation of her actual kitchen.
This is what your kitchen's like, innit? I love pink.
You love it? Yeah.
But you have a face like a smacked arse right now.
We're gonna find out firstly why you've got a face like a smacked arse.
I have a face like that, because I'm really hungry, and I want a cheese-turkey omelette.
She wants a cheese and turkey omelette, so what you've got to do is, using only your utility belts, whisk the eggs, grate the cheese until this is full, then you have to baste the turkey three times, then collect some juice and shove the juice in the turkey.
They are all the ingredients for a turkey and cheese omelette, which will be here in the oven, then you have to land it on the table there so Ashley doesn't have a face like a smacked arse.
Go on the klaxon.
Ready? Wait a minute.
Sid got to steal stuff! Shut the fuck up, Superman! (LAUGHS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who is the best? Superman or Mellor Man? Let's find out! (KLAXON SOUNDS) Go! Whisk it up! Whisk it up! That's it.
Until it's all whisked.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Whisk it until the yolk's gone! You're whisked! You're whisked! Cheese.
Oh, cheesy cheese.
Come on! There's a little something going on! Fill the dish.
Fill the dish.
Oh, good cheese! Fill the dish.
It's almost full.
Come on, Mellor Man! How's that? That's full! That's not full! I'm full! The turkey, the turkey, the turkey, the turkey! Baste it three times.
Suck up the juices.
One.
Two.
Three.
Now in the juice, and stick it inside! Get the omelette! Get the omelette! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fucking hell! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Was there some cheating there? What is that?! Eh? I think we've got some slow-mo action of this to find out who won.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It was very close, but the winning superhero was Superman, unlucky, it was Mellor Man! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break now, I'll see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break Does she get fed up when people keep asking her whether Mark gets upset with your impression of him? Go to an ad break! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Sid, you are a party animal, aren't you? I used to be.
You are a photo-bomber.
I've done it once.
We've got a picture of you photo-bombing.
Look at this.
Chris Brown? Look at that! Sid in the background looking tired again.
He's been partying for three days.
That's so good! Where's that? What's going on? I'm in LA, randomly I didn't even know Chris Brown was stood next to me.
Yeah.
I was chatting with the guy in the middle, he introduced Chris Brown.
I didn't get much sense out of him, he didn't get much sense out of me.
We had a good night.
Yeah.
What's he doing there? He's singing one of your songs.
# We got a good thing going # A real good thing going # There's all to play for in our final round, The Buzzer Round! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I will ask questions, if you get it right, buzz in.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer, buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer? Hey, this is our buzzer, you wank-or! That's the American buzzer you've got there, cos, as we know, in America they don't say wanker, they say wank-or.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? RICKY! Oh, he died.
Fuck off.
OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
Here we go.
What has Justin Bieber claimed he can do in under two minutes? I've had enough of this, I'm retiring! Have two wanks.
Nope, that's incorrect! RICKY, I'M RETIRING! Fearne's team.
Have three wanks.
Nope.
The Rubik's Cube! That's correct, Fearne's team.
(APPLAUSE) OK.
In this picture here, what is Sid Owen doing? Apart from being tired.
Hey, this is our buzzer, you wank-or! That's Holly's team.
He's wank-oring.
He's having a wank-or? No, he's not wank-oring.
RICKY! Is he fighting? No, that's incorrect.
Was I having a shit? Did you hear that? 'Was I having a shi Can I give him that? Nope.
Having a shit whilst fighting.
Nope.
Shit-fighting.
Nope.
I can tell you that he's kicking the living shit out of some onions.
What on earth are you doing? What's that about? You don't even know, do you? He can't remember, he was too tired.
He was too tired! Why does Benedict Cumberbatch hate his name? Everyone, I'm retiring from retiring! I'm retired! Is it because Benedict is a fucking shite name? Yes! It's gotta be that! The answer is because apparently he thinks it sounds like someone farting in a bath.
(BUBBLING) Benedict Cumberbatch.
That was shitting in the bath! Ashley's former band, the Pussycat Dolls, was often abbreviated to the letters PCD, but what I want to know is, what do the letters for the sofa shop DFS stand for? Hey, this is our buzzer, you wank-or! Holly's team.
Discount Furniture Store.
Nope, that's incorrect.
Delightful Fucking Sofas! The answer is Direct Furnishing Supplies.
Mine was better.
You can't Get down to the Discount Furniture Store, there's a sale! DFS, there's your woman! What does Michelle Keegan say she gets fed up with people constantly asking her? Does she get fed up when people keep asking her whether Mark gets upset with your impression of him? Go to an ad break.
Hey, this is our buzzer, you wank-or! Was it, did she really tweet a picture of her boobs? No.
/fo She's tired of people asking her when are her and Mark gonna have kids.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) That's the end of The Buzzer Round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is.
OK.
Fearne, imagine if it were you.
It would be lovely.
Can you imagine? Imagine it really hard.
Yeah.
It is you! It's Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon, if I don't see through t'week, I'll see you through t'window! Let's dance! # Sound your horn # Ring the bell # Kiss # Comb your hair # Wave # Wave your hands # Superman! # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Well, if it ain't broken.
There's Holly Willoughbooby coming out of giant clam.
She's still got them bangers! There's Fearne Cotton, who's back after having another baby! There's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo with a tiny willy, just like in real life.
We're here in heaven, but we're not dead, it's an elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
What's that show? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not 4K ready.
What's 4K? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ooh! Ha-hey! Argh! Hoorah! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Thank you.
Holly, who's on your team? On my right, she's a super sexy lady, it's Ashley Roberts! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my left, he was The Jump's very own Superman, but tonight he's my very own Superman, it's Dean Cain! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome! Let's meet our other team captain.
She's got the longest minge in show business, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, who's on your team? Oh, well, on my left, I've got TV legend Mr Will Mellor.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right, I've got our very own Superman, it's Sid Owen.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) RICKY! RICKY! RICKY! You've never heard that before, have you? RICKY! Are you OK? Holly, you've got an all-American team.
Yeah.
But can you do an American accent? What should I say? IN AMERICAN ACCENT: I would love a hot dog! IN AMERICAN ACCENT: I would love a hot dog! IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Right up my asshole! (APPLAUSE) Mellor.
Yo.
You're an actor.
You must be able to do an American accent.
Can you do one? IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Yeah.
I like all the weird alternative words they use, like what do you call aluminium? 'Aluminum'! IN AMERICAN ACCENT: 'Aluminum'! It's so much easier than aluminium.
Really? But it's English, we created the language, so fuck (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, what's that noise? Is it a bird? # SUPERMAN THEME Oh! Specifically a pigeon.
Is it a plane? Ridiculous! (APPLAUSE) No, it's Dean Cain, AKA Superman! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
This is the first time for you, it's the first time for us.
You were in Lois and Clark, The New Adventures of Superman.
Look at that! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What was it like being Superman? It was fantastic.
Playing that role was a dream come true.
Did you get to keep I would have, but we got cancelled after Teri got pregnant between font color="# was not able to shoot, so they called me and said, 'We're done.
' I hate it when people get pregnant, they ruin the fucking show.
Yeah.
There's no more babies.
We're done.
We're done.
We're done.
Have your had your tubes tied? No.
Then you're not done! I used to love watching your show - Teri Hatcher, incredible, she's beautiful.
That was Superman on BBC 1.
Then you'd flip over to ITV and you've got Baywatch.
One weekend, I was taken to the doctor's cos of loss of fluids.
Did you ever have a mangetout with her? No.
Never?! That never, ever happened.
You've got tights and the underpants on, when you did a romantic scene, she must have felt a little traveller sometimes? You'd have to ask her that question.
Did you have to think of your tax bill whilst you were kissing her so you didn't get a stiffy? We've got some pictures of Dean when he was looking buff back in the '90s.
They were the '90s.
I used to have a version of that poster on my wall in black-and-white, and I used to just cover one eye and just go like that.
(APPLAUSE) I think we've got some more of our panellists looking buff.
I think we've got Will looking buff.
No, don't do Look at Will looking buff! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's amazing! Wow! What are you doing? What's going through your mind? 'This is gonna come back to haunt me at some point.
' Sid, we tried to find a picture of you with your top off.
There's none.
We couldn't find any.
No.
But we did find these pictures.
That's amazing! Who would have put them three colours toget Look at that one! 'Hey! Look at my fucking sweater!' I think we've got another one of you just relaxing.
In your waterproof fishing pants! I wasn't even doing kids' TV there.
Looks like Timmy Mallet's younger brother! The girls are trying to figure something out, Sid.
What?/fo What do you call male camel toe? Have I got one? Cock bulge.
You shouldn't be looking at that! It's looking at me, honey! RICKY! It's Sid Owen in the hizzouse! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Sid Owen, welcome to Celebrity Juice for the first time.
I know.
That's weird.
I know! Thank you for having me! How has that not happened? I keep missing it.
Yeah.
We've booked him before, he goes, 'I can't be bothered.
I'm fucking drunk.
' Why have you got 3D glasses on? When you watch something that's 3D, the person at home puts the glasses on, we don't put them on to make it 3D.
Oh, really? I didn't know that.
Are those 3D glasses? They are, yeah.
Oh, put them back on.
You played Ricky Butcher in EastEnders for 24 years.
Whoa.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah, I started when I was six.
You were six?! Yeah.
You look older than six, don't you? When they put you with Patsy Palmer, who has ginger hair, did you go, 'Can I do it with a brown-haired person?' I did try.
I mean, look at me, I can't be fussy.
You used to be a looker, you look a bit tired now, though.
You left EastEnders in 2012, when you announced you were retiring from acting.
Well, I think I just said that as a wind-up to some journalist, but I'm never retired.
Exclusive - he hasn't retired! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Would you go back to EastEnders? Absolutely.
All day long.
Should he go back? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What if they asked someone else to play Ricky? Well, you can play Bianca.
No, I can play Bianca, yeah.
What if they asked someone else to play Ricky, and not you? I would fucking kill them.
Yeah? What about singing? Are you retired from singing? I forgot you did songs! He's so good! I've heard him, he's brilliant.
He's so good! Who'd like to hear Sid singing? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well, watch this.
# We've got a good thing going This is a tune! # A real good thing going, yeah # That girl and me # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You love that song, don't you? Yeah.
Look at Will's face sat there.
'Oh, fuck, I fucking had a career in music, as well.
' Don't start! 'I hope they don't play my video.
' No, don't do that! You done me last time! We couldn't find your video.
Good.
/ Of course we could fucking find it! Have a look at this! Who am I praying to? I don't know.
You don't know how to wear a coat, do you? And it's pissing down! Sing, then! Sing, then! Who's that clown? What the fuck is that?! # When I need love # I hold out my hands # And I touch love # Hold on, Ronald McDonald's coming back! Where is he? Argh! (APPLAUSE) That is the scariest video I've ever seen! Sid, whilst we're talking about music, you're good friends with Adele, aren't you? I am.
She's doing all right.
She's doing very well.
She looks fucking fit now.
She's smashing it.
I told her you were coming on, I said, 'Could you possibly do us a video message and send it to t'show?' And she didn't.
She fucking has! She's in Manchester, she's on tour right now.
Oh, right.
She's done a message.
Here it is.
Hello! It's me, Adele, that's my song.
Every time I say, 'Hello,' everyone says, 'That's your song.
' Hello, I'm Adele, live from Manchester, as you can see.
I wanna wish Sid all the best, you're brilliant.
Don't stop acting, don't retire.
I remember when we was at school, playing Doctors and Nurses, and you stuck a lollipop stick up my bum and made me say, 'Ah!' (CACKLES) That's how I learned to sing.
Anyway, good luck.
Call me, yeah? Can you smell wet dog? I can smell wet dog.
(APPLAUSE) She's so lovely! Hey, it's Ashley Roberts from the Pussy Juice Girls! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Pussy Juice! It says here you once had a sex dream about Harry Styles.
Oh, God! (LAUGHS) I said that out loud? Yeah, it happened.
Did you? It did! What happened? It was maybe, like, three years ago, and I was like, 'Oh, my God, I just had a sex dream about Harry Styles!' I Googled him, I called my friend, I was like, 'He's a baby child!' I had sex in my head with a baby child! I had a dream about you, Ashley.
Oh, God.
And it was a sex dream.
Surprise! Wow! Was I good? We were just having passionate normal sex, you know, me laying on top of you.
(GROANS) Then afterwards, I was about to wipe myself down with a sex flannel and watch t'Kardashians - A sex flannel? Yeah! I can't go to sleep with my dick smelling of minge! Doesn't everyone have a sex flannel? Do you keep those in a very separate place to your facial flannels? Why would it matter? Cos I'll be down there, too.
Listen, guys, you don't always wash your hands, do you? If you don't wee on your fingers.
Not always.
Sid, you never do! Even when he has a crap and his finger goes through t'toilet paper.
He'll just go I got a good thing going! (APPLAUSE) At Ascot, Ashley, you had an accident, didn't you, with Ant and Dec.
Oh, God.
There you are.
Whoo-hoo! But you look like Marilyn.
It's a white skirt, you've a got beautiful body.
Look at your face.
'Ooh, it's cold!' That bastard was down there.
I looked down, I saw him like this, and I was like, 'Oh, God!' I thought I caught it.
Let's see what you looked down at.
No, they didn't! (APPLAUSE) No, they didn't! Oh, my God! You are on another level right now.
OH, MY GOD! That's the clip they will use on Gogglebox when that old man's watching.
'I hate this fella!' 'I think he's a prick!' Hey, he's everybody's favourite fella, he's not Uri Geller, it's Will Mellor! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was good! Will, you're a good friend, but you do know you're here replacing Gino tonight? Gino couldn't make it tonight, so who do you get other than Gino? You get Bruno Tonioli, cos he's just exactly the same.
But he were busy in America doing Strictly.
So the questions I have here are all Bruno Tonioli questions.
You're an actor, so you should be able to act like him, yeah? How shit is that? You didn't even invite me on your show.
No, we wanted Bruno we didn't want you.
AUDIENCE: Aw! I wanted you on the show.
Bruno.
Yeah.
Do you really hate Craig Revel Horwood, or is it just for t'cameras? No, he's a (BLEEP)! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Can you do it in your Italian accent? No.
God! How's Len Goodman doing after his knee surgery? IN ITALIAN ACCENT: Not bad! Oh! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) IN ITALIAN ACCENT: After his operation, he was good.
I'm still You sound like Dracula! Bruno, what do you think of the British actor Will Mellor? IN ITALIAN ACCENT: He's a marvellous actor.
He's absolutely excellent actor.
(LAUGHS) I was trying to think of an Italian word, I couldn't think of one! IN ITALIAN ACCENT: He's a'bellissimo! If you do that, it's Italian.
He's excellent! IN ITALIAN ACCENT: He's a'bellissimo! Huge penis.
Hey, Bruno Tonioli, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, that was good.
Dean Cain, in homage to having a real superhero on the show, we're gonna do a series of superhero challenges, which will pit you against all the different panellists.
So every time you hear the Superman music, we will commence with one of those challenges.
Yeah? Yes.
# SUPERMAN THEME Oh, that's it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So let's play So here I am with Holly, as you can see.
She's sat in a chair used in The Voice - we stole it from the BBC, because we thought it's the ideal chair to play this game.
I never got to sit in one of these.
If on Saturday you see will.
i.
am in a deckchair, you'll know why.
I'll throw objects past you, Dean Cain will collet those items.
All you have to do is ID those items.
For each one you correctly ID, you get a point.
Got it.
Do you understand it? I totally understand.
Do you want to relay it back to me? You're gonna throw objects, I've gotta tell you what they are.
Doesn't matter.
Oosh! (MIMICS CHAIR WHIRRING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Stop! Back a bit.
Back a bit.
That'll do.
(MIMICS CHAIR WHIRRING) No, stop! Stop! (MIMICS CHAIR WHIRRING) Stop! Better? Yes, perfect.
As you can see, Holly has a camera on her head.
That's so you at home can join in and see what she is seeing.
Yeah? Yeah.
All right, then.
Ready, Dean? Ready, sir.
Don't fuck it up.
No way.
Here's the first item.
OK.
If you wanna play this at home, look away, because I'm showing what the item is.
Here goes.
Are you joking?! Dean, do you wanna throw it back? I mean, lit What was it? I have absolutely no idea.
It was just, like Come on, it's easy.
It's like a plastic bag of something.
Yes, but what is it? Is it a bag of frozen peas? No, it was two pints of lager and a packet of crisps! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Keith Don't look! Keith, this game's really, really hard.
You like hard things.
Ready? Yes.
(MEOW) OK, is it a Was it a pair of pants? A pair of pants that meow? A pair of pants that meow?! Throw it back, Dean.
(MEOW) OK, OK.
It was a white cat.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here's the item.
Here it comes, Dean.
What is it, Holly? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He really is Superman! That was a pie.
No! What Throw it back, Dean.
Oh, I know.
If it wasn't a pie, it was a quiche.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is the item.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, no! What is it? I don't like that! If you feel like you wanna catch this, why don't you catch it with your mouth? Here it comes.
FEARNE: It's like a javelin.
Is it a dildo? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) Thanks very much, Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm gonna convince Ashley to stick a mini egg up here arse and spew it all over my face.
We're going to an ad break, see you in a bit.
Coming up after t'break Whisk it up, that's it.
Until it's all whisked! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Sid.
Hello, mate.
You retired from acting, although you didn't retire.
You've retired from singing, but you haven't retired from singing.
No.
What I'm gonna do is put your acting talents to the test.
I want to get you out of retirement.
You're gonna put me back to work? You up for it? Hurry up before I get tired.
Right, OK, let' What Is Sid Owing? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What Is Sid Owing? What we're gonna do is send you into this bar around the corner from the studio.
We've got secret cameras rigged up in this bar.
I want you to go to this bar.
Using your acting skills, steal as many items as you can.
The more items you get, the more points you'll get.
I wanna say, I don't condone stealing.
I will be paying back the money that is owed to them, hence the game, What Is Sid Owing? For each one you bring back, you'll get a point.
OK.
If you get caught, I will take those points away and give them to Holly's team.
Yes! OK.
I'm gonna give you an earpiece, and I will guide you through it.
OK.
Here's the actual jacket you wrote in EastEnders, so you can put stuff in it.
Should I put that on? You took off one leather jacket, and put on the - But this one's slightly different.
This is more chav.
It's back then, innit? Hiya! Here's your earpiece.
Okey-dokey.
What in the pocket? What's that? Oh! They're yours! This is actually Ricky's jacket that you wore in EastEnders when you was with Bianca.
Yeah.
I've missed You got your earpiece? Is it that way? It's that way.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) If he gets caught, Holly's team, you will get the points for the things he's taken.
Are you there? Speak to me, Keith.
Are you a bit nervous? I'm shitting myself.
I'm from the fucking East End, ain't I? This is what we fucking do, innit? Amazing.
He's in.
Stop, stop.
Can you hear me? Yeah.
Have you got any napkins out the back? Napkins? font He's going straight for it.
Also, can I just get a pint of water? Is that all right? Yea Do you want any ice? Ice and lemon, yeah.
Can you hear me, Sid? Can you hear me? He's just nicking stuff! Look at him go! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Don't get caught! Sid, don't get caught! Have you got fresh lemon there? Fresh lemon! What crisps have you got? Can I have a look? Tell him who you are! Say, 'I'm Sid Owen!' Huh? Tell him! Tell him, 'I'm Sid Owen, me.
' You know who I am, don't you? Sid Owen.
Yeah.
They normally let us go behind the bar.
I just wanted to have a look at what sort of treats you've got on offer.
Get the manager! Say, 'Can I see the manager? I know him.
' Is the manager in? Say, 'I know him.
' Can I have a word with him? We've got a little party later, I wanted to organise some drinks for some friends.
OK, yeah.
He has been busy.
Is he? Bear with me Yeah, give him a shout.
Just say, 'Sid Owen's here.
' Look at him! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Come back, Sid! Run, run! Come back! Sid, now! Whoo! (LAUGHS) # We've got a good thing going (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # A real good thing going, yeah # That girl and me # And I have to ask # Oh, man! You did so good! What have you got? How many items? We're having a little party tonight.
Yes! One, two, three, four .
.
five (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) .
.
six .
.
seven Yeah! Hold on.
.
.
eight .
.
nine, ten .
.
11 items! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Ooh! Still 11 items.
We're gonna get someone to tot this up, how much we owe the bar.
Cos what we're gonna do is, the money we owe them, we will be taking that out of your fee being on the show.
The total is £46, so we owe you £14 for your fee.
(APPLAUSE) Sid Owen, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Don't worry, Sid, all the management knew about you coming in.
We don't condone stealing.
That was like one of those prank things that those Geordie kids do on t'telly that she's involved in.
We stole the idea.
Are the police waiting for me? He's worried about the police.
Can I tell him it'll be fine? Oh, the police are on their way.
And the scores after that round are STEALING! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # SUPERMAN THEME Oh.
There's the superhero theme tune again, so it's time now to play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, as you can see, I'm now in Ashley's kitchen, or recreation of her actual kitchen.
This is what your kitchen's like, innit? I love pink.
You love it? Yeah.
But you have a face like a smacked arse right now.
We're gonna find out firstly why you've got a face like a smacked arse.
I have a face like that, because I'm really hungry, and I want a cheese-turkey omelette.
She wants a cheese and turkey omelette, so what you've got to do is, using only your utility belts, whisk the eggs, grate the cheese until this is full, then you have to baste the turkey three times, then collect some juice and shove the juice in the turkey.
They are all the ingredients for a turkey and cheese omelette, which will be here in the oven, then you have to land it on the table there so Ashley doesn't have a face like a smacked arse.
Go on the klaxon.
Ready? Wait a minute.
Sid got to steal stuff! Shut the fuck up, Superman! (LAUGHS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who is the best? Superman or Mellor Man? Let's find out! (KLAXON SOUNDS) Go! Whisk it up! Whisk it up! That's it.
Until it's all whisked.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Whisk it until the yolk's gone! You're whisked! You're whisked! Cheese.
Oh, cheesy cheese.
Come on! There's a little something going on! Fill the dish.
Fill the dish.
Oh, good cheese! Fill the dish.
It's almost full.
Come on, Mellor Man! How's that? That's full! That's not full! I'm full! The turkey, the turkey, the turkey, the turkey! Baste it three times.
Suck up the juices.
One.
Two.
Three.
Now in the juice, and stick it inside! Get the omelette! Get the omelette! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fucking hell! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Was there some cheating there? What is that?! Eh? I think we've got some slow-mo action of this to find out who won.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It was very close, but the winning superhero was Superman, unlucky, it was Mellor Man! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break now, I'll see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break Does she get fed up when people keep asking her whether Mark gets upset with your impression of him? Go to an ad break! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Hurrah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Sid, you are a party animal, aren't you? I used to be.
You are a photo-bomber.
I've done it once.
We've got a picture of you photo-bombing.
Look at this.
Chris Brown? Look at that! Sid in the background looking tired again.
He's been partying for three days.
That's so good! Where's that? What's going on? I'm in LA, randomly I didn't even know Chris Brown was stood next to me.
Yeah.
I was chatting with the guy in the middle, he introduced Chris Brown.
I didn't get much sense out of him, he didn't get much sense out of me.
We had a good night.
Yeah.
What's he doing there? He's singing one of your songs.
# We got a good thing going # A real good thing going # There's all to play for in our final round, The Buzzer Round! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I will ask questions, if you get it right, buzz in.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer, buzz in anyway.
Holly, what's your buzzer? Hey, this is our buzzer, you wank-or! That's the American buzzer you've got there, cos, as we know, in America they don't say wanker, they say wank-or.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? RICKY! Oh, he died.
Fuck off.
OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
Here we go.
What has Justin Bieber claimed he can do in under two minutes? I've had enough of this, I'm retiring! Have two wanks.
Nope, that's incorrect! RICKY, I'M RETIRING! Fearne's team.
Have three wanks.
Nope.
The Rubik's Cube! That's correct, Fearne's team.
(APPLAUSE) OK.
In this picture here, what is Sid Owen doing? Apart from being tired.
Hey, this is our buzzer, you wank-or! That's Holly's team.
He's wank-oring.
He's having a wank-or? No, he's not wank-oring.
RICKY! Is he fighting? No, that's incorrect.
Was I having a shit? Did you hear that? 'Was I having a shi Can I give him that? Nope.
Having a shit whilst fighting.
Nope.
Shit-fighting.
Nope.
I can tell you that he's kicking the living shit out of some onions.
What on earth are you doing? What's that about? You don't even know, do you? He can't remember, he was too tired.
He was too tired! Why does Benedict Cumberbatch hate his name? Everyone, I'm retiring from retiring! I'm retired! Is it because Benedict is a fucking shite name? Yes! It's gotta be that! The answer is because apparently he thinks it sounds like someone farting in a bath.
(BUBBLING) Benedict Cumberbatch.
That was shitting in the bath! Ashley's former band, the Pussycat Dolls, was often abbreviated to the letters PCD, but what I want to know is, what do the letters for the sofa shop DFS stand for? Hey, this is our buzzer, you wank-or! Holly's team.
Discount Furniture Store.
Nope, that's incorrect.
Delightful Fucking Sofas! The answer is Direct Furnishing Supplies.
Mine was better.
You can't Get down to the Discount Furniture Store, there's a sale! DFS, there's your woman! What does Michelle Keegan say she gets fed up with people constantly asking her? Does she get fed up when people keep asking her whether Mark gets upset with your impression of him? Go to an ad break.
Hey, this is our buzzer, you wank-or! Was it, did she really tweet a picture of her boobs? No.
/fo She's tired of people asking her when are her and Mark gonna have kids.
(KLAXON SOUNDS) That's the end of The Buzzer Round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is.
OK.
Fearne, imagine if it were you.
It would be lovely.
Can you imagine? Imagine it really hard.
Yeah.
It is you! It's Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon, if I don't see through t'week, I'll see you through t'window! Let's dance! # Sound your horn # Ring the bell # Kiss # Comb your hair # Wave # Wave your hands # Superman! # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)