It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s15e04 Episode Script

1
♪
DEE: No.
No, no. This can't be happening.
[STAMMERING]: I-I-I'm too young.
No, why are you doing this?
I don't want to change.
I don't want to change.
Oh, God, it's hot.
It's always so goddamn hot.
Someone's got to crack a door
or a window. Oh, God, no.
It's all happening
too fast. [STAMMERING]
I had plans,
and they w-were perfect plans.
This is just all too soon!
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
What the hell was that about?
I'll tell you what that was about
menopause.
- What? Men Menopause?
- Oh, for real? - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
I went through the same
thing with Barbara.
Overnight,
she became completely irrational
with the hot flashes and the mood swings
and the paranoia.
[GROANS] That was the worst.
Always accusing me of having affairs.
Hmm, right. But you were having affairs.
Yeah, but it was a real headache,
and you can't have that around here.
I don't want this to be
taken the wrong way 'cause,
you know,
I slept with Dee that one time
- [GROANS]
- but, like,
I'm, like, sick of looking at her.
- I, too.
- You know? Is it, is it just me?
- No.
- Okay. - No.
- No, it's not just you.
- Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not
trying to be mean, it's not personal.
You're just being honest
about how you feel.
- Yeah.
- Also, there's a smell.
- Okay.
- There's a smell, yeah. And a lot of women have this,
and it makes me sick to my stomach,
and-and I don't want to be around it,
and I think that's what you're saying.
Well, no,
I haven't noticed a smell so much,
but, no, I'm just saying, like
I feel a lot of tension in the workplace
'cause we slept together, you know?
Legally, that's called
a hostile work environment.
Okay, I can see that.
We can legally fire her
and bring in whichever man we want.
Oh okay.
I see, I see where
you were going with that.
Yeah, he's got an agenda.
Uh, but either way,
it-it doesn't matter. The point is,
what we're talking about
here is replacing Dee,
and I think it's a great idea.
I think, I think it's long overdue.
Look, if we're going
to bring in another woman,
can we at least make
sure she's competent?
Competent?
[SCOFFS] A monkey could do Dee's job.
[LAUGHS]
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- A monkey could.
- ♪
-
Terrific. Thanks for coming in.
All right.
Move. Move. Not gonna get it.
No. G-Give me a break.
- Move.
- Wait, what is
You listen to me right now, Jeffrey.
You listen to me!
Because I have been listening
to you for long enough.
I'm sor Who-who-who are you?
No!
No, no, no. This can't be happening.
This can't be happening, I'm too young.
Why are you doing this to me? Why?
- I-I-I No. I don't want to change.
- [GASPING]
Y-You're not thinking straight,
Cassandra.
- You have to
- Oh, God, it's so hot.
Why is it always so goddamn hot?
Somebody ought to crack a window.
No, I-I-I need more time.
I had it all planned out.
It was perfect,
and this is just too soon!
[SOBBING]
[DEEP INHALE]
Oh, God!
And that's the scene.
Yes, I'm aware.
I'm done. I was in character before,
but I'm me now,
so you can tell me how good I was.
Oh, okay. Well, you just cut
in front of 15 other actresses.
You're welcome. I took a gander at
'em and [CLICKS TONGUE]
[LAUGHS] Plus, I do feel
like that's what the
character would have done,
and I've been in character all day.
As a matter of fact, don't want to brag,
but I've been in character all week.
- [LAUGHS]
- Okay, well,
uh, I don't think you're
quite what we're looking
Come on, man!
No, I-I-I've been coming here for years,
and-and you never put me
past you to the director.
Well, uh, listen,
we have a-a lot of people
are going to be reading for this role.
No! I'm gonna see the director.
You're gonna put me
through to the director,
that's what you're gonna do,
'cause I deserve it.
I deserve it. I am a trained actor.
Okay? I have spent
thousands of dollars on acting classes,
and are you gonna try and tell me
that was just all for nothing?
That all that money was just a waste?
[SNIFFS] Well, uh,
not for your acting teacher.
Hmm?
♪
DENNIS: You know, guys, it occurs to me
that, with this new employee,
we could be looking at a lot less work
and a lot more available time.
Perhaps we should consider a vacation.
Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.
I've actually been getting
a lot more comfortable
with the idea of travel lately,
like, um,
check this out,
did you guys know that, uh,
Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
No, think about that,
though, that-that's crazy.
Like, two cities in one state?
- No, that's-that's not crazy.
- No. No, not at all.
No, no, no. [SIGHS]
All right, I don't think you understand.
There's two cities in the same state,
like, how is that even possible?
All states have more than one city.
That's totally possible.
Yeah, multiple cities.
N No.
- Yes.
- There's No. - Yes.
There's Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Yes.
So, that's what Pennsylvania is.
- Oh, no.
- No.
Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?
- No.
- No.
No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania
- What is this man talking about?
- I
I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh work?
Am I constantly
going in and out of Pittsburgh
throughout the day, yes or no?
- BOTH: No.
- [STAMMERS] Explain this to me.
Oh. Oh, I understand.
I think I understand
- Really?
- Finally, somebody gets it.
He's saying he wants
to go on a vacation.
- Yeah. Well, yeah.
- He wants to go somewhere exotic.
- Yes.
- He wants to go to Fire Island. He wants to go to Greece.
- He wants to experiment.
- No. That's not what I'm saying, no.
- He wants to try new things.
- That is not what he said.
Wait, we're not going to Pittsburgh.
'Cause we're already there.
We're not in Pittsburgh.
We're in Philadel
- I This-this is not easy.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Hey-o. Check it out. [LAUGHS]
What the hell is this?
It's Dee's replacement.
Why did you get a monkey?
Well, you know,
we're gonna hire a girl to do Dee's job.
We're gonna have to pay her.
You don't have to pay a monkey shit,
so I got a monkey instead.
It's like I said,
a monkey could do her job.
Okay, but that's just
an expression, Frank.
We need an actual person.
Oh, yeah? Check this out.
- Monkey, beer.
- [MONKEY CHITTERING]
[FRANK LAUGHS]
See? Great, huh?
No. No, not great. Ridiculous.
You think a monkey can run a bar?
Run a bar?
I thought it was just to do Dee's job.
Oh, yeah. We need someone
to watch over the bar
- 'cause we're gonna go on vacation now.
- Right.
- Ooh, vacation?
- Mm-hmm.
- Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh?
- Ah.
What is with you guys and Pittsburgh?
Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.
If we're gonna go on vacation,
we're gonna go someplace good.
- [MONKEY CHITTERING]
- Yeah, thanks.
[CHUCKLES]
I mean, we've got
the whole world to choose from,
and you guys want to go
to the second-best city
in-in Pennsylvania?
It's crazy. [SLURPING]
Well, I don't know, like,
are we in Pittsburgh right now?
Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.
Like, you know,
how does Pittsburgh work, you know?
Whoa, hang on a second now.
That is really good.
What'd the monkey put in this?
[LAUGHS] Beats me.
- [CHITTERING]
- DENNIS: Okay, well,
it's-it's very, very delicious, uh
[LAUGHS]
What's the deal
with this monkey, anyway?
He some kind of mixologist?
He used to work in the movies.
He comes from a long
line of movie monkeys.
Rumor has it
that he also did a short stint
making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.
- Wow.
- Yeah. - Okay, okay. Interesting.
You know those were stiff. [LAUGHS]
Eventually,
we're gonna need an actual person
to run the bar if we're
gonna go on vacation,
you know, but, uh, while we're landing
on where exactly to go, let's, uh
[SLURPS]
Mmm.
Let's keep the monkey around
'cause that is
the best beer I've ever had in
my entire life, I swear to God.
Dee has never made a beer
that tastes like that.
- You guys got to try this.
- [LAUGHS] - Really?
- I bet, yeah.
- Monkey.
- Three more.
- Yeah. All right.
- [CHITTERING]
- Look at that.
Hello. Good afternoon.
I'm Deandra Reynolds,
and thank you all so much
for joining my acting class.
For starters
I don't have a limp.
[LAUGHS] Right?
Don't be shy.
- Thank you.
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Oh, here's the thing,
the first order of business,
and perhaps the most important thing,
is payment.
Now, did everyone have a chance
to get cash or cashier's check?
Okay, good. Great.
Great, wonderful.
Okay, well, let's get started.
- [PEN CLICKS]
- Chain saw,
avocado, marlin. What'd I just say? You.
Um chain saw, avocado, marlin?
Right!
Which is wrong.
You just violated the
first rule of acting.
You listened.
When you are listening,
you are not talking,
and if you're not talking,
you're not getting paid.
You know who doesn't talk
throughout an entire movie?
An extra.
Which brings me to rule number two,
acting is
Oh, um, reacting.
Wrong again. Acting is ignoring.
Think about it.
Ignore reality.
You're in a casting office,
not Jurassic Park.
Ignore your scene partner
because you better goddamn
believe they're ignoring you.
And, for Christ's sake,
ignore the script, okay?
[CHUCKLES] You're better
than a writer, right?
Writers are dorks, okay?
Any questions?
No! Put your hands down!
No.
Don't ask questions.
That shows you don't know something,
which makes you look weak.
Got it?
Now, if we could circle back
on the payment thing again,
it's pretty important to me, okay?
'Cause I'm-I'm dead serious,
you're not walking out of
here without the payment.
Oh, my God, Charlie,
we're not going to Scranton.
All right, fine.
What about Harrisburg? Williamsport?
Altoona? You know
Okay, will you at least consider
going someplace outside of Pennsylvania?
All those cities are in Pennsylvania?
Are you kidding me?
Like, you don't want to know
thank you, monkey
you don't want to know, like,
how this shit works, man?
No. I don't want to find out
how zoning districts work.
I don't care about that.
Thank you, monkey.
I want to go somewhere exotic.
Baltimore?
- Baltimore is not exotic, Frank.
- DENNIS: No.
I'll tell you,
I've seen shit happen in Baltimore
- that would blow your mind. Thank you, monkey.
- Wow.
You know what, guys? I'll tell you what.
Regardless of where we decide to go,
we're taking this goddamn monkey
- because I love this guy. I love him.
- Oh, yeah.
It would be great if we
could hire more monkeys
to do our job for us while we're gone.
Like, a team of monkeys who run the bar,
you know what I mean?
- Mm.
- Oh, yeah, 'cause they're all out of work now, you know?
- CHARLIE: Yeah.
- Yeah, because Hollywood decided
you can't beat 'em no more,
so they had to set 'em all free.
- What?
- Are you seriously? - You can't beat monkeys?
- No, you can't.
- At all?
Those monkeys don't
even have jobs anymore
- 'cause of these snowflakes?
- Not allowed to do it no more.
- These Hollywood
- Oh, my God.
I do have to admit, though,
it-it is a little disappointing to, um,
discover that a team of primates
could do our jobs for us, but
[STAMMERS] I'm gonna blow past it
because I really do want to come up
with a vacation spot for us, you know?
So, here's what I'm thinking, guys.
E-Everybody grab a napkin there, okay?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Grab a napkin.
And, uh, everybody
write down a destination on the napkin,
and then we'll put that destination
in this bowl right here,
I'll pick one out,
- and that way not one of us decides
- Oh.
but we let fate take over.
- What do you guys think about that plan?
- Okay.
KIKI: I didn't say that
- I don't love you.
- Then what is it?
Is it my gang ties?
Because I don't need that shit.
I'll leave it all behind.
- Just tell me what's wrong.
- [MOUTHING ALONG]
KIKI: The baby
It's not yours. It's my
my
- my father's.
- Bigger.
- [INHALES] My father's!
- N louder.
- [YELLING]: My father's!
- Yes!
Good. Now you go.
- Your father's?!
- Louder.
[YELLING]: Your father's?!
Okay! Now, this is
what I'm talking about.
Nice work.
[APPLAUDS] Do you all see that?
Goddamn, that's what I want.
I want to be able
to see your performance
from the fucking moon.
Guys, the louder you are,
the more people have
to pay attention to you.
Yeah [SIGHS] Yeah,
I-I don't understand the script.
What movie did you say this was from?
I-I didn't. I wrote it.
It's a mash-up of Chinatown
and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.
Oh. Are you,
are you gonna write all the scenes?
Well, there you go asking a
bunch of questions again, Tony.
[LAUGHS] Uh, Kiki,
how does that make him seem to you?
Um weak?
Weak! Good. Very good.
Now, you, Kiki,
you're really getting this.
But did you feel that?
Did you feel how he went from,
like, a hot stud
you'd like to bang
to a weak little bitch
right before your eyes? Right?
I mean, that doesn't mean
I still wouldn't do him,
but that's between him and me.
Tony, see me after class.
Um Okay.
Wrong! Wrong! Okay.
People in power will try and bang you.
Now, sometimes it will be
necessary to get the part,
but assess the situation.
Why go all the way when a
simple hand job will suffice?
Tony, do see me after class.
DENNIS: And the place
that we're going to is
[SIGHS] "Yell" "Yellow"?
What is, what is this?
Who, who wrote this?
Uh [STAMMERS] Me. Yeah.
W-Were you trying to
s-say Yellowstone or?
Uh no. Uh, just yellow.
- Just yellow? Just the color yellow?
- Uh, well, I panicked.
You know, you were shooting
down all the other places
I've been naming,
so I-I couldn't think of something.
Okay, well, that's not a goddamn place,
you idiot, so..
[GROANS] We're gonna try this again.
Next place I pick out,
that's where we're gonna go.
Mm-hmm.
- "Purple."
- Mm.
What is happening?
[BURPS] That was me. Yeah, I did purple.
- You did purple? Two of you wrote colors?
- Yeah, I
Okay, so you thought of a color, too?
I didn't understand
the assignment either.
- It-it was not clear.
- I said write down a destination,
- and two people wrote down colors?
- We're sorry, we're sorry.
- I don't understand
- I like purple.
I like purple, too, Frank.
That's why I wrote it down.
Well, maybe we could go there.
That could be pretty.
Go where?! Purple? That's not a place!
- That All right, you know
- CHARLIE: Okay, you're right.
I think, um
these beers are a little strong.
- Are you drunk?
- I these beers are a little strong
I will admit that the
beers are also stronger
- than I was anticipating.
- I like this beer.
You know what, guys?
I'm having a lot of fun here.
Uh, but I do want to figure this out,
so, new plan.
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
Instead of writing down places,
why don't we write down key words?
Or phrases, you know?
Let's go with our instincts, you know?
Whatever we want to feel,
what-whatever we want to experience
on the vacation, okay? And then
we'll put it up on a board.
We'll look at it all
together and then maybe
the destination will
just reveal itself to us.
And we can drink more monkey beer.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS]
- Monkey!
- We'll drink monkey beer while we're doing it.
- Monkey.
- Four more monkey beers, monkey.
- Monkey, monkey, monkey beer!
- Monkey! Four more!
Ms. Reynolds,
can I talk to you for a second?
Oh, God, what's this?
Listen, if you don't have the cash,
you're gonna want to borrow it from,
like, an uncle or a friend
or something 'cause I don't
make exceptions. [CHUCKLES]
No. It's, uh, it's not the money, um
I just wanted to say thank you.
It feels
so good to be seen like that.
My parents don't really
believe in me, so
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop talking.
Holy shit. [GASPS]
You're making me realize something here.
Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam.
What?
Well, what I mean is,
I-I was just able to give you something
your parents never did,
and all-all I had to do was
[CHUCKLES]
toss you a single compliment. [GASPS]
I can control you.
I can make you feel
however I want you to feel,
which will help you be a better actor.
- Oh, I do want to be a better
- Shh. I'm not done.
[GASPS] Oh, that's-that's real power.
Way more power than just acting,
and I think that's what it was
probably all about for me, you know?
I just
I was searching for a sense of control.
Oh, Kiki
[LAUGHING]: you were
terrible.
Wait, I-I was?
No. No. [LAUGHS]
- [SIGHS]
- I'm kidding.
[GASPS] You were amazing.
And you're going to make it.
I believe in you.
Oh, you do?
Maybe.
I'm not going to tell you right now.
But yes.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, my God! This is [GASPS]
This is amazing. Yes, Kiki, yes.
I'm going to be there for you.
I'm going to be the mother
and father that you never had.
- I'm only going to take 35%
- [PHONE BUZZING]
of all your future earnings,
and I will never, never
turn my back on you, do you understand?
- Yes.
- Because you Can you give me one second?
- My phone is buzzing off the hook in my pocket.
- Oh, yeah.
One sec. Hello?
No! I'm gonna see the director.
Um, hi, yes.
Uh, is this Deandra Reynolds?
- Yup.
- [OVER PHONE]: Right. Well, uh,
- I'm so sorry to just call you out of the blue like this
- Faster.
- What?
- Faster.
Right. Brilliant. Um,
well, I am the director of the TV show
that you crashed the
audition on the other day,
and we have a role that
- Slower.
- [LAUGHS]
All right, um,
well, as I was saying, I am
the director
Too slow. Don't start over.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
Uh, well, I saw your tape,
and, based on what I saw,
and this conversation,
I think we have a part that
might be right for you.
Stop.
Attention, everyone.
Dee Reynolds Acting School
is officially closed.
And I'm sorry,
there will be no return on investments,
but it was in the fine print.
Have a wonderful afternoon.
Continue.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- [ROOSTER CROWS]
[GROANS] Oh, my God. Oh, guys.
- [GROANS]
- What the hell is happening?
- [CLEARS THROAT] Guys, wake up.
- Huh?
- Wake
- [GROANS]
- Huh?
- Wha
Oh, my God. My head is killing me.
Oh, dude. I am very hungover.
I do not feel good.
Charlie, you're full of scratches.
- So are you.
- [SIGHS]
- Wait, I got scratches, too.
- Oh, shit. [GROANS]
- Dude, Mac, I think you got bit in the neck, man.
- [WINCES]
- Is that shit on the bar?
- [GROANS]
What-what is that
sour, salty taste in my mouth?
Do you guys have that?
- Yeah, I got that.
- Yes. Yes, I have that.
- What is that? [GROANS]
- Yeah, it's real bad.
Uh-oh, guys
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, I feel like shit.
I think we've been outsmarted.
- What?
- Huh?
[SCOFFS] The monkey got us drunk,
assaulted us,
robbed the bar,
and possibly fucked our mouths.
[RETCHING]
- Oh, God!
- Yeah, he did. That is what happened.
Yeah, the guy who sold him to me
did say something like
this could happen.
He did?!
Yeah. Apparently,
the monkey's grandfather
was Fatty Arbuckle's monkey,
and you know how these things go.
These monkeys are passed down
from one Hollywood creep to the next,
until, eventually,
they wind up under a bridge in Philly
getting drunk and pulling scams.
- [GROANS] Goddamn. All right.
- What?
All right, all right,
we got to think about this. All right,
so let's not take the
monkey on our vacation.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
The vacation. I think we landed
on a vacation destination last night.
Yeah, we did, we did. Look, look, look.
- Oh, look at the board.
- We did? - Yeah.
We got something on here. Let's um
Okay, should we see where we're going?
- Yeah, where are we going?
- Where we going? Where we going?
All right, here we go
"Monkey beer island
of green and fight."
- [SIGHS] Goddamn it.
- That's not a place.
- That's not a place?
- No, it's not!
No, it's not a goddamn place.
You know what this is?
This is the ramblings of four men
who got very, very drunk
last night on a mystery concoction
invented by a wild animal.
[WHIMPERS] Why can't we just be normal?
- That is what it is.
- That's so weird.
- Why would we do that?
- Because the monkey
beers were so delicious.
All right? That-that-that
monkey may have been a pervert,
but he was also a genius,
which is often the case in Hollywood.
You know what I'm thinking?
'Cause I'm seeing a lot
of empty whiskey bottles around,
I'm thinking maybe that
monkey was just pouring, like,
half a bottle of whiskey in each beer.
- You know?
- That could be.
Based on my hangover, I think
that's what I'm,
that's what I'm feeling.
- [SIGHS] Goddamn it.
- That tracks, that tracks.
So, monkey beer
is just whiskey
- CHARLIE: Whiskey-beer, yeah.
- beer?
So
"Whiskey beer island
of green and fight."
- [DOOR OPENS]
- We're nowhere. We're nowhere.
Hey-o! Whoa, what the hell happened
Eh, you know what? Don't care.
Do not even care 'cause
guess what, dick nips.
This big, dumb, flightless bird
just booked a huge acting gig.
Why don't you feast your eyes on
"Obnoxious American MILF #1"?
[LAUGHS]
- In your faces. That's right.
- Ah
And guess what. I leave tomorrow morning
at 6:30 a.m. on a first-class flight
'cause it shoots in Ireland, baby.
Yeah!
Body slam!
- [LAUGHS]
- [GROANS]
- I mean, she doesn't She comes in screaming.
- That was the worst.
- Screaming.
- Cackling like a witch.
Just screaming and screeching, like
[SIGHS]
Oh, my God.
[GASPS]
Oh, my God.
[GASPS]
- What? What is it?
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
- Uh, you don't know?
- Right? It wasn't clear.
- Frank looked at me
Why did you guys act like
you knew what it was, then?
I don't know.
We were all getting excited together.
- I was excited [STAMMERS]
- And, yeah, uh
Goddamn it.
Frank, you tell them what it is.
- Yeah, what is it?
- I don't know what it is.
- You don't
- Okay, yeah, we don't know, uh, we don't know what it is.
Guys, guys.
"Whiskey beer island
of green and fight."
That's Ireland.
Goddamn, you guys.
What is this delicious drink?
This is good.
I was gonna go home and get some sleep,
but I might have to get a
couple soda pops in first,
you know what I mean? Nice job.
Mmm. Mmm.
["POT OF GOLD"
BY CHRISTOPHER BEATY PLAYING]
- Ooh, wow. Is that poop?
-
Hey! ♪
♪