Celebrity Juice (2008) s15e05 Episode Script

1 I'm Keith Lemon and these are my not new titles.
If it ain't broken Here's Holly Willough-booby coming out of a giant clam.
She's still got dem bangers, boys! Whoa-ho! There's Fearne Cotton, back after having another baby.
A wonder of modern science.
There's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo with a tiny willy, like in real life.
We're in heaven, but we're not dead, it's a metaphor for how great this show is.
We're here to make the best show on telly.
What's that show? It's Celebrity Juice on telly, not 4K-ready.
What's 4K? (CHEERING) Yes! Hoorah! (CHEERING) Ooh! Woo! Hoorah! (CHEERING CONTINUES) Hoorah! (CHEERING) Hi.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I've got a good feeling here, mostly here, as I introduce our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willough-boozy.
(CHEERING AND WOLF WHISTLING) Thank you.
Who's on your team? Well, tonight on my team, I have MOBO-Award-winning singer, it's Ella Eyre.
(CHEERING) And, on my left, I have the very dishy maitre d' of First Dates, it's Fred Sirieix.
(CHEERING) Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Fearne, who's on your team? Well, on my left, he's more popular than pasta, it's Gino! (CHEERING) Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you.
Fearne, who else is on your team? I have, on my right, globe-trotting superhero, all-round good guy, Ben Fogle.
(CHEERING) Thanks, Fearne.
Thank you.
(WOLF WHISTLING) How's it going? It's good, thank you.
I'm excited to be here.
Have you been on expedition? You look quite bronzed.
I was away skiing last week, but I was in Outer Mongolia the week (POSHLY) I went skiing.
I do skiing.
(LAUGHTER) This might be where Prince Harry stops being friends with you, now font color="# You're friends with Prince Harry? No, not me.
You're friends with the Royals? Absolutely.
I've done my research, so I know that you are.
There you go.
That's William.
That's not Harry.
Is it true you get mistaken for him? I used to, in the olden days.
Not now that I'm a bit older.
Is that why you stopped wearing the fleece? Yes, exactly.
(LAUGHTER) Gino, have you got a fleece? Who the fuck wear a fleece? (LAUGHTER) He wears a fleece.
(APPLAUSE) Gino! Gino! Gino! They're perfect.
What for? When font color="#00ff Minus 30 degrees.
Buy a fucking jacket.
(LAUGHTER) Hey, it's Fred sexy There it is.
Yeah, he's my favourite.
(CHEERING) You're a maitre d' on First Dates.
That's right.
For anyone who's not seen First Dates, is that the one where people who can't get girlfriends or boyfriends because they've got disabilities? No! (LAUGHTER) Oh, it's not? What's that one? Undateables.
Undateables.
Undateables.
What you do, you apply online and then we look at the likes and font color="#00f and we match people so that they're gonna fit and they're gonna get on.
Can you see it going on? 'Oh, that's gonna work!' Yeah, you can.
You can always tell when you like someone that comes in.
When a very pretty lady comes in, you're like, 'He's a lucky man.
' (LAUGHTER) Fred, we're very much alike.
I speak fluent French, but the problem is, I can't read French.
And I have a French girlfriend called Nicole.
(LAUGHS) Eh? And she keeps leaving me little notes.
I was wondering if you could translate 'em for me.
Sure.
Yeah? Here's one.
Every morning.
I think it's really romantic.
I go, 'I love you.
Bonjour.
' (LAUGHTER) I can't read 'em.
Thank you.
So lovely for a made-up girlfriend.
Fuck off.
Why would I make up a girlfriend? I'm on telly.
I can fuck anyone.
(LAUGHTER) Read it in French first.
OK.
'Keith, appeler le plombier (CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH) .
.
Nicole.
' (LAUGHTER) Now, what does that mean? Keith, call the plumber.
You're not supposed to shit in the bidet.
(LAUGHTER) But it sounds sexy, doesn't it? (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) It's not as romantic as I thought it was.
It does sound really amazingly romantic in French.
Beautiful Read this one for us.
There's one more? One more.
f This is what she left this morning.
Right.
Keith (SPEAKS FRENCH) (LAUGHTER) So you got that one.
So, in French, spunk is the same word.
(LAUGHTER) Could you please stop wiping your sperm with your How do you say? Dans toilette? Toilet? No, it's a glove, you know, to wash yourself How do you call it? MAN: Towel.
A font color="#fff That's it.
With your flannel, please.
Flannel.
(LAUGHTER) What are you doing? What are you wiping? You know, when you've had sex Oh, God.
You have sex, don And then you wipe it on the sex flannel at t'side of t'bed.
(LAUGHTER) Lucky for you, I brought it in.
There it is.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Oh, God.
Doesn't everyone have a sex flannel? No.
That is just you and the fact that you've brought it in I'll give you a point for your team if you pick that up with your mouth.
No! (AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT) Yes! Ben, no! (CHEERING) Yes! I don't want him to do it.
GINO: We need a point.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) (LAUGHTER) Take it back to the desk.
Take it back to your desk.
(CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Yes! It's a point for your team, Ben Fogle! (CHEERING) You got fame from Castaway, didn't you? Mm-hm.
What happened in Castaway? There were 30 of us and we had to live for a whole year on an island in the Outer Hebrides.
I suppose, it was arguably, the first reality show.
Were you the fittest there? Fittest in what sense? The best-looking? No, I don't think so.
I do.
Who have we got? We've got Mick Hucknall.
(LAUGHTER) We've got Bjork in cargo pants.
(LAUGHTER) A man with a skinhead.
And a white Bob Marley.
(LAUGHTER) How did you cope with your love of dogging? With my love of? Do you mean with my love of dogs? (LAUGHTER) So how do you cope with your love for dogs? (LAUGHTER) Cos you love dogs, don't you? Dogs are my favourite animal.
Why do you love dogs so much? They're loyal, faithful, happy.
They're pleased to see you.
Do you hate cats? Well, I don't want to be too rude about cats, but I think cats - Don't worry.
Cats don't watch this programme.
Really? That's another thing.
My cats like it.
If you're a cat, put your hands over your ears, he's gonna slur you.
Cats, you just can't quite trust them.
Yeah, that's what I think.
You give them a cuddle, they swipe you.
Do you think they come in and get fed, 'Right, fuck off, I'm off out'? That's pretty much it, yeah.
I don't understand - I like them.
Do you have a cat? I've You've got two cats? And they're (BLEEP).
They're (BLEEP) (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I think women prefer cats to men.
Men like the simplicity of a dog.
I never said I preferred cats, I can't have a dog, I'm too busy.
Dogs will love anyone, though.
Gino, what do you think? I fucking hate dogs.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Gino! Gino! Gino! (APPLAUSE) Why do you hate dogs, Gino? Because you have to look after them.
I already got three flipping children.
(LAUGHTER) I don't get the love between a man and a dog.
I know that they - You get unconditional love.
Huh? You can get home and go (BRIGHTLY) 'You fucking little lowlife.
' Come to my house, I'll lend you a fleece, you take the dog out.
You're gonna love both of them.
This is the last time we're ever gonna see each other.
(LAU Fleeces and dogs.
(APPLAUSE) Because (LAUGHS) .
.
you and I, we are very, very different.
You like to stay outside, I like to stay inside.
You love dogs, I hate dogs.
(LAUGHTER) You wear a fleece, I think only a (BLEEP) wears fleeces.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Gino! Gino! Gino! (APPLAUSE) This is not the sort of team bonding I was hoping for.
(LAUGHTER) # She's got curly hair but I don't care Oh, yes, I do, oh, yeah! It's Ella Eyre! (CHEERING) Congratulations, because you won Best Female at the MOBOs.
Respect.
(CHEERING) Excuse me.
Excuse me, everyone.
I'm really sorry.
I've never done this before, ever, but I really need a pooh.
(LAUGHTER) Am I that boring? No, no.
Eh! Erm Are you serious? (LAUGHTER) Honestly, I need a pooh.
Can-Can you, Mr Fogle? Yeah.
It can't be that hard.
Yeah.
Are you joking? I really need a pooh.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) He's gone for a pooh? He's actually gone for a shit.
/font What are you gonna do? I'm gonna read the cards.
(LAUGHTER) Well, this is what we've got.
(LAUGHTER) Brah, brah, brah, man! You is well fit! (LAUGHTER) I'd let you sit on my chest.
Recognise? (LAUGHTER) We've got another picture from the night.
You get me? (LAUGHTER) Let's have a look.
Good, Ben.
GINO: Very good.
There you are.
What the flip is CeeLo Green wearing? Don't you think CeeLo Green looks like a Ferrero Rocher? Yeah, he does.
Did you and CeeLo get well mashed up? (LAUGHTER) Erm, no.
I got so messed up last time I went, you get me, bread bin, brah, brah, brah? (LAUGHTER) You're doing very well.
Shall we dance to your big tune? (LAUGHTER) # But if I go will you love me? (CHEERING) # Will you love me until I can? # And do you know will you want me? # Will you want me like that? # And if I leave, will it end? # Will you need me again? # And if I go, will you love me? # Ben Fogle, everyone! (CHEERING) (WHISTLING) (GIGGLES) How was your pooh? When you've gotta scrape, you've gotta scrape it out, haven't you? (LAUGHTER) Fred, in homage of your Frenchness and you being here today, we're gonna play a game called You get me? (CHEERING) As you can see, I'm here with Ben and Gino.
In this game, what you've got to do is take a French object and shimmy it up your body, from the knee to the mouth and kiss it to get a point for your team.
It's a French accent, so a French shimmy.
Why does not the Frenchman do it? (LAUGHTER) Eh? Why are you being so aggressive? No, I It was a question.
Why? Yeah, but I'm feeling threatened.
I feel threatened.
You're being very aggressive.
Celebrity Juice, Thursday night, bit of fun, play some silly games.
I give you points and we laugh at the end.
It shouldn't be summat that's gonna change your life or anything.
You got it right with silly games.
Who does that? Like people at home, are they gonna Well, go back to This Morning and just make fucking pizzas, then.
(APPLAUSE) We're having a bit of fun, aren't we? Lots of fun.
Ben's having a bit of fun.
What's your problem? Have you got your period? (LAUGHTER) Fred, have you got the French item? # 'Allo 'Allo Theme Yes.
Here you are.
There it is.
Here you are.
(LAUGHTER) He's trying to convert you.
The French object here is a French Labrador.
Yeah with a beret.
Sorry, what makes the Labrador French? It's the beret.
French Labrador, innit? Well, it's just a Labrador, actually.
Yeah, well, it ain't cos, you just said, it's got a beret on.
Why are you being aggressive? He's asking a good question.
This is a stupid game.
What's your fucking problem, man? I don't have a problem.
Just saying this is not a French dog.
You just - It's a French Labrador.
It's got a cigarette, a beret and a fucking stripy top on.
How French could it be? It's name's Xavier! (LAUGHTER) I still don't understand what we need to do with the dog.
You just have to decide whether we do it like this.
Oh, I se You have an allotted time! (LAUGHTER) You will shimmy it up your body.
Shimmy, you know, shimmy.
OK.
Sounds like you've got your period.
It's him.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Thank you.
(KLAXON) There's the klaxon! Ready.
Here we go.
Yeah.
From where? Here? font colo Ready.
Go.
(CHEERING) No hands.
No hands.
(LAUGHTER) No hands.
No hands.
Kiss.
Yes.
(KLAXON) Did you enjoy it? It was fun.
He enjoyed it.
(APPLAUSE) Gino and Ben, everyone.
A point for your team.
Where's his cigarette? (WHISTLING) Next up, it's Holly and Ella.
(CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Glad I wore a dress (!) So am I.
(LAUGHS) We'll give it a good go, but it Yeah.
Well, let's find out what the French object is.
Fred, what is it? I've got a (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) They get the great, big, fucking huge dog and we get a fucking baguette! (LAUGHS) Stop swearing.
This is a family show.
Every time I come on this show, you fix me on the worst things to do.
I think we can do this.
A point for your team.
Shimmy it up from the knees to the mouth and - From the knees? Can we start above the hemline? Cos it might go up.
(LAUGHTER) Ten points if the baguette disappears.
(LAUGHTER) Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! (APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) There it goes.
All right.
Knee up.
Up it goes.
/fon Holly's doing all the work.
(LAUGHTER) Shimmy! (LAUGHTER) No hands.
You can use your arms.
No hands.
Use your arms.
(LAUGHTER) Look at the shimmy! (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Right to the mouth.
To the mouth.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Well done, Holly and Ella.
A point for your team.
(CHEERING) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) Because I'm a nice, caring guy, for any of you 16-year-old boys at home, your parents have gone out and you wanna enjoy yourself, here's an action replay.
Have a good go.
(LAUGHTER) # SERGE GAINSBOURG & JANE BIRKIN: Je T'Aime Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! (WOLF WHISTLING) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are, sha-ting! (CHEERING) We're going to have to have an ad break now.
I'm off for a wee.
I'll see you in three.
(CHEERING) Coming up after t'break (CHEERING) Oh! Oh, Fred's excited! We're outside! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello-o-o-o-o! Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Ben, you must have seen some interesting animals in your time.
But have you seen a giraffe with a very high-pitched laugh? No, I don't think I have.
You'll like this next game, as we play (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hi.
As you can see, I'm in the African savannah with Ben Fogle.
We're looking for animals.
You just caught us talking about animals.
And to win points for your team here, what you will do is try and give me the ID of the animal that comes via the bush here.
OK.
The person that will be performing the act of that animal will win a point for their team if you guess correctly, also - for performance.
I say, I say.
And, to give you a clue, all the animals will rhyme.
OK.
A giraffe- Do you remember Wonky Donkey with Ant and Dec? Yes.
Well, with this series, so that we win an NTA, we're just ripping them off.
(LAUGHTER) It's romantic, this, innit? (CHUCKLES) Ever kissed a man? (LAUGHS) No.
OK.
Let's have our first animal.
OK.
Let's have a look.
(BIRD AND INSECT NOISES) Nothing yet.
Oh, here comes Here's some action.
It's a bird of some kind.
It's definitely a bird.
(SHE MAKES STRANGE SOUNDS) (SHE COUGHS) A coughing bird.
A coughing bird.
(COUGHS) Brrr.
Ooh.
Ooh, the light.
Coughing bird don't rhyme.
No, a hum Humming bird don't rhyme.
Ooh, the light.
Oh, it's a moth.
(COUGHS) A moth with a cough! Correct! Ben, could you give me a back rub? (LAUGHS) Here? Yeah.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh.
A bit lower.
No.
Oh, what's next? I'll have a look.
A kangaroo.
Uh-huh.
He's got that down.
(PARP!) Aha! (LAUGHS) A kangaroo needing a poo! Ben.
You ever licked a man's bell end? (LAUGHS) Oh, here it is.
(LAUGHTER) Something that's What are the wiggling fingers? It's something that's broken - injured.
Something that's got a limp.
Is it an animal that lives on land? font color="# I said imp.
A gimp? A gimp with a limp? (LAUGHTER) No.
(KLAXON) What was it, Fern? Shrimp.
A shrimp? Ohh! A shrimp! How are you meant to do a shrimp? A shrimp's easy.
How are you meant to do a shrimp? God.
You're so useless.
I've never mimed a shrimp before.
It's not something I've done before.
(LAUGHTER) It's not good enough.
That's exactly what I did.
You were wrong.
That's exactly what I did! What's this? A shrimp with a limp.
See.
Oh, piss off, Ben! (APPLAUSE) Ooh, here it comes.
Is that a lion? (GROWLS) Moo.
Moo.
Fuck you! What an oddball.
Moo! It's a something's cross Moo! Never! No, fuck you! (LAUGHTER) Moo.
Moo.
Some cow.
A cowan angry.
A cow.
Moo.
An angry cow? (KLAXON) What was it? A cow having a row.
(APPLAUSE) Ever had a shower with a man? Yeah.
Have you? Oh, there's another animal.
GINO: This game is fucking stupid.
(LAUGHTER) You're a moaning bitch, aren't you? Hays everywhere here.
Haze? Hays.
Hay.
There's hay everywhere.
Yeah, but it's plural.
Hays.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! (SNARLING) He's desperate for the porn mag, ain't he? Look at him.
What on earth is he? I have ne Little Little hands.
(SNARLING) A dinosaur A dinosaur A dinosaur.
What kind of dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus rex.
Tyrannosaurus rex.
Hex.
Becks.
Dex.
What's he doing? Sex.
A Tyrannosaurus rex having sex! (APPLAUSE) What the fuck? (KLAXON) Well, I thought you did fantastically, and so did our panellists.
So, you do the scores.
The scores are Oh, ker-ting.
Ker-ting? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The next round is a big one.
Fred, you are European, aren't you? I am.
Gino, you're European, aren't you? Yes.
Well, we will now pit the European against the European, as we play The Helicopter Head European Championships! Hello.
We've come to the village of Borehamwood, on the perimeters of London town, to play the Helicopter Head Championship.
Playing for Italy - Gino D'Acampo! (CHEERING) Playing for France, we have Fred Silly-Sex! (CHEERING) First, you need to knock off your country's landmarks.
Then you must knock off the most famous celebrity from your country.
You have Gerard Dapper-dew.
Depardieu.
Duh-puh-duh.
Gino, you have Pavarotti.
That's not Pavarotti.
Yeah, it is.
That's the guy from GoCompare.
That's not Pavarotti.
Next, you must destroy a famous painting from your country.
Gino, you have the Mona Lisa.
Fred, you've got a picture of a bridge.
Next, you must knock over the drinks Ella and Ben are holding.
Ella is holding champagne from France.
Ben has a tray of Prosecco that you drink like 'watoor'.
That's Italian for water.
Then, Fred, on Holly's head is a basket of French pains chocolats.
And Gino, on Fearne's head are Italian ciabattas.
Then you must get the European Helicopter Head Championships trophy, more importantly, to win a point for your team.
You go on the klaxon.
So, all this production for one point? Spinning my neck in the middle of nowhere.
One point do we get? It's Italy versus France.
Yeah! (CHEERING) Allez les bleus! I'm gonna kick your ass! Ready? (KLAXON) There it goes! Oh, Fred got it off first there! Oh, Pavarotti's still standing! Yes! Gino, you've got it.
Come on, Fred.
It's exciting! We're outside! Now we're in the studio! (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) For the trophy! (LAUGHING) This is ridiculous.
(CHEERING) # EDITH PIAF: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien # Je ne regrette rien The point goes to Fred and Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # La Marseillaise (CHEERING) And the scores are Sha-ting! We're going to an ad break.
See you in a bit! Coming up What is your problem? He lost the helicopter Championship.
(MIMICKING HIM) Twat.
Hello and welcome back! Are you having a good time? Yeah! Gino, are you having a good time? Come on, Gino.
What is your problem? He lost the helicopter Championship.
(MIMICKING HIM) Twat.
(APPLAUSE) The Italian's taking the piss out of the Frenchman! Bah-buh-bah! Gino, do a French accent.
Urgh-ruh-ruh.
What the fuck? Can YOU do an Italian accent? No, I can't-a do it.
(LAUGHTER) It's very complicated-a.
We are the best-a lovers, but we have small ones.
(APPLAUSE) Well, now it's the buzzer round! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) If you don't know the answer, be a chancer.
Holly, what's your buzzer? 'Le bag of snails.
' French.
What's your buzzer? 'Oh, bugger it.
' A very posh voice! So, what did Kanye West reportedly pay 100 grand to cover up this week? 'Oh, fuck off, you working-class scum.
' Fearne's team? Did Ben actually say that? These are all his catch-phrases! Fearne? It's a picture of Kanye loving Kanye.
Correct.
It's a mural of Kanye kissing Kanye in Australia.
That's really good.
How did Amanda Holden describe her vagina this week? 'Would you like to feel my cashmere?' Fearne? Flappy.
She described it as flappy? Possibly.
(LAUGHTER) Didn't she say it was creased? Correct.
She said it was creased.
We do have a still of it.
Don't tell anyone that it's my tongue.
(APPLAUSE) Why is Ben Fogle's wife looking so embarrassed here? 'Margaret, stop it.
' Fearne's team? Cos he loves his dog more than her? No.
She's embarrassed because he buys his shoes from the market.
Italian shoes.
Come on.
That's great.
Don't say that those are Italian shoes.
Those are French! What's the difference? It's all the same.
Who won The Voice? 'David Ginola.
' It wasn't him.
It was the guy from Liberty X.
Kevin 'I'm a fucking Tory, don't you know?' That's libellous! Kevin Simm? That's right.
It was Kevin Simm! (APPLAUSE) Why has former X Factor star Chris Maloney been in the newspapers this week? 'My bank account is in Panama.
' I wanted to hear what I was going to say! I don't know the answer! 'Primark? What's this?' 'I know Prince Harry.
' 'Why don't you come back to my castle?' Anyone? Has he had more surgery? No, it's because his debut single reached number 16 in the Japanese music charts.
Oh, amazing.
What does Danny Dyer do just before he goes on the EastEnders set? 'I'm with Coutts.
' Fearne's team? (LAUGHS) Whenever he laughs, it's because it's probably true.
They're very good, though.
He has a right fuckin' knees-up, don't he? Apparently, he's on the show next week.
Yeah! Do you know the answer? No.
He eats a Snickers bar.
(KLAXON) (APPLAUSE) That's inside knowledge.
That's the end of this week's show.
I can tell you that the winning team is La-la-la We should win this.
It's gonna get nasty.
La-la-la La-la-la.
(HIGH-PITCHED) La-la-la.
That high! Sacre bleu.
It's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! Ta-ra!