It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s15e05 Episode Script

1
CHARLIE: All right, try to get it
all the way up under her nose.
- All-all the way
- MAC: I'm just trying to stick it in her mouth.
Under her nose should do it
and let it kind of waft up.
DENNIS: Oh, she's starting to wake up.
- There she there we go!
- Wakey, wakey, Dee!
Good, because I'm getting
sick of trying to keep
the-the hair out of the soup.
CHARLIE: It's not soup,
it's stew, okay, and you
MAC: Same thing, don't correct me.
DENNIS: Soup or stew,
you shouldn't feed it
to an unconscious person.
Yeah, but I'm trying
to use it to wake her up.
FRANK: Look, she's not gonna eat it,
I'm telling you.
DENNIS:
It's not gonna wake her up; I mean,
I don't think stew has
any arousing components.
What are you talking about?!
The smells
What is this? What's going on?
The flavors! That's the whole point
of getting the stew in the first place.
Wha-What is this? Where am I?
All right, Dee, remember yesterday
when you were waving
that first-class ticket
to Ireland in our faces
and bragging about that
acting gig that you got?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Then you drank yourself
into a stupor and passed out?
I oh o-okay.
Yeah, well, uh, good news.
We took that one first-class ticket,
divided it into five coach tickets.
And then gave you just
enough sleeping pills
to keep you blissfully asleep
so you could enjoy the flight
and wake up here in Dublin fully rested.
No. No, you didn't! You didn't do this.
This-this can't be happening, no.
- Yeah, no, we did. That's exactly what we did.
- (OTHERS AGREEING)
- We absolutely did.
- Because we wanted to be supportive.
- No, you didn't!
- Because we are always there for each other.
- No, we're not!
- Right, guys?
In good times and in bad.
- CHARLIE: We are.
- And speaking of time, um, you are late.
- You got about 15 minutes to get to that TV studio.
- Oh, God.
- No, no, no, no.
- CHARLIE: Good thing you woke up.
- This can't be happening
- Well, slow down now.
Hey, be sure to look to the right if you
go in the road! Be careful out there.
'Cause they drive on
the other side here!
No, no, no, no, no. No.
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
Oh, goddamn it!
Taxi? Oh, taxi!
Taxi! Taxi!
(TIRES SCREECH)
- Hey! ♪
-
- FRANK: Car!
- DENNIS: Yeah, I see it, Frank,
- I can handle the driving.
- Oh, just go faster, goddamn it!
I can't believe you guys did this to me.
Oh, my God, Dee,
we are driving you to work, okay?
We-we brought you to Ireland.
We brought you here, okay?
We didn't have to do that.
Do you know how hard
it was to get you through customs?
- It was wicked hard, yeah.
- We're doing this for you!
Whatever, okay,
I think the studio's right up here.
I'll call you guys around
6:00 or whenever I'm off.
Why?
So you can pick me up.
(LAUGHS) What?
Dee, we're taking time
out of our Irish vacation
to drive you to work,
now you want us to pick you up?
"Vacation"? You just said
you were here for me!
Well, yeah, we're here for you,
but we're also here for our vacation.
Yeah, I'm back
in the motherland finally!
I've always wanted to trace
back my family lineage.
I mean, as the most Irish person here,
I really think
Wait a minute, wait, whoa,
whoa, dude, I'm Irish.
Well, yeah,
but you're not as Irish as me.
I could be. You don't know that.
- How do you know that?
- Charlie, I have
a shamrock tattooed on my thigh.
- So what?
- I'm gonna show it to you! You want to see it?!
- No, stop it! You're squishing me!
- Car! Car!
- I see the car, stop! Mac, stop!
- Goddamn it.
- You're kicking my seat, okay?
- That was close.
Keep your stupid,
ugly shamrock tattoo in your pants.
Why did you have to get the teeny,
tiniest car possible?
- It is small.
- I'm getting squished back here
and just sucking in diesel fumes.
What did you want me to do, Dee?
Did you want me to rent a
big obnoxious American truck
like-like that one over there?
That's exactly what we're
trying to get away from.
Okay, you know,
the-the tiny car,
that's all part of the
charm of-of Europe.
You know, like driving on the
left-hand side of the road.
Dangerous for Americans like you.
But, you know, it's authentic and,
and that's what I want,
that's what I'm going for.
- An authentic Irish
- (HONKING HORN)
Get fucked!
Oh!
- Irish experience.
- Okay, just pull over, all right?
Just pull over and let me out!
I'll walk.
You goddamn bastards!
♪
Here I am!
"Obnoxious American
MILF" reporting for duty, sir!
You're late. You were supposed
to be here an hour ago.
I know, I know,
I hit a little bit of traffic.
But if you think about it,
you know, in a way,
I feel like the character
would be late, too,
so it's not really that big of a
You're lucky this time
Production's running behind,
so we don't need you for another hour.
Ah, thank God, okay.
Jesus Christ. What happened to you?
Ah! Ow.
(LAUGHING): Well, that's
That's a doozy, isn't it?
We can't shoot you like that
It-it's disturbing!
Well, it's not, it's not even real.
It-It's just makeup.
It's makeup left over from the show
I did this morning.
That's makeup?
Yep, nothing to it
but a little latex and blush.
You know, I just forgot to
(WINCES) wash it off.
Um, you know, probably 'cause
I never wear makeup in real life.
'Cause natural beauty.
I'll tell you what, um, since
I do have a little time,
I should just pop out and wash
my face real quick and-and come
right back, it's not a big deal.
Go on, just go on. Be back in an hour.
- And don't be late again.
- Absolutely. I won't be late.
I'm one wet wipe away
from being your MILF.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Can we get
cracking here, people, come on!
DEE: Oh, you're gonna want
to F this so bad!
MAC: This is so exciting.
Yeah. I already feel like I'm home.
I cannot wait to see the house
that my dad grew up in.
Apparently it's been in my family
for generations.
- Oh. Cool. Yeah, I mean, I dig it here, man.
- Yeah.
You know,
you get all the comforts of Philly.
You got drunks,
you got Irish people, you got, um
I guess that's the same thing,
but, like,
you also get, like, the magical
mystical element of this place,
You know, you get the banshees
and the spirits and the sprites!
And Shelley!
Shelley's here, which is pretty cool.
All of those things are made up,
including Shelley.
- Shelley's not made up.
- He's your imaginary friend
- that you've had since you were a kid.
- Dude, he's not my
imaginary friend, he's my pen pal, okay?
And he's Irish,
that's why his name is Shelley.
A pen pal that writes to you
in a magical language.
Dude, the guy's real, okay?
And this is why
- I know more about Ireland than you do.
- Hey, stop!
Stop right there, all right?
This is why Irish people hate Americans.
You've got, like,
two percent Irish in you,
and you think you know
more about Ireland than me?
Do you have a shamrock tattoo
somewhere on your body? No.
I do, because that's
my primary identity.
Number one, Irish.
Number two, gay. Number three, badass.
You're none of those things,
so you should be
talking of none of them.
Are talking about what you identify as
or what you actually are?
They're the same thing now, Charlie.
And I can have you canceled
for even suggesting otherwise.
- No, right.
- I have the power to do that.
Because I'm a gay man and you're
just a straight white, cis male.
Yeah. And Irish, so
Will you just be here for me?
- Okay.
- This is a huge day for me
- and I just, I feel like you could
- Okay.
- you could support me a little bit
- All right! All right!
I mean, this is the circle of
life coming full oh, oh!
Oh! It-it should be
coming up right here.
Yeah, the House of McDonald is
at this address
here.
Wow.
Yeah, nailed it.
Cool, so your dad grew
up in a McDonald's or?
No. No, my dad didn't grow up
in a McDonald's.
You sure?
'Cause this is the House of McDonald.
Hey, oh, you know what, dude?
Maybe you are, like,
from the McDonald family?
Like, like, are you
the Ronald McDonald?
Like, is the hamburger clown
named after you?
I can't tell if you're
making fun of me right now.
- Oh?
- We got to go find out. I got to, we got to find out.
You want to get some more
information on that?
- Yeah, let's get some more information.
- Yeah, okay, yeah, 'cause you
could be entitled to a lot of money.
DENNIS: What the hell is this, Frank?
I-I thought we were going
to a distillery.
You want an authentic Irish experience?
There's nothing more Irish
than a corporate tax shelter.
Welcome to the worldwide headquarters
- of Frank's Fluids.
- Uh-huh.
Goddamn. What's that smell?
What smell?
Oh, it's Ralphie.
Must've got trapped in here.
Looks like he's fused to the carpet.
- Uh-huh. Is that a cat?
- It was.
Okay, well, that is, that is grotesque.
- I can't believe I don't smell that.
- It stinks.
- I don't smell it.
- Guys! Guys! Hey, acting emergency.
Oh, goddamn, what is that smell?
- That's Ralphie. He's fused.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Whoa, Dee!
- That looks bad.
- Yeah, I got myself a bit of a hematoma here.
- Can you guys please help me?
- It's okay, Dee. I got you,
I got you. This is why we're here. Okay.
- Yes.
- You know, lucky for you, I happen to have experience
covering up blunt force trauma, so
Oh. Uh-uh, yeah.
Okay, good, so
- simple fix.
- Great.
We simply need to
redistribute the blood.
- Great, do it, let's go.
- That
- Okay.
- Do it, bitch, go!
All right.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, God!
Ooh.
(SHUDDERS)
Wow, look at that.
Let me see here.
Oh! Oh, shit.
- That's like magic.
- Yeah.
Okay, now you guys
can help me with my thing.
We got to shred a bunch of documents.
What whoa, what?
What are you talking about, man?
Well, the thing of it is, um
that Frank's Fluids may
or may not have been
the official beverage supplier
of Jeffrey Epstein.
(STAMMERS)
- What?!
- Jeffrey Epstein?!
Yeah. Yeah, but before
you judge me, know this:
Yes, I was on the sex island,
but only for the snorkeling!
I didn't know anything
about the kid stuff.
- Oh!
- No, look, 95% of what went on down there
- was not pedophilia.
- Oh, yeah?
No, the other five percent,
that sullied the whole operation.
- Yeah, it sure did, Frank.
- It sure did.
Well, you know, it ain't just me.
Your guys' names are on those documents,
too, remember?
- What? Still?
- Goddamn it, Frank!
- Son of a bitch!
- No, I don't have time for this!
Well, come on, it'll be quick.
It's only a couple boxes.
- Ah, shit!
- Oh
Goddamn it!
♪
Bullshit.
This one's bullshit.
All these family tree books
This one just fell apart.
There's so many "Mc"
and "Mac" names, too.
Like, how are we supposed
to find anything?
Dude, I found one right
here in this gibberish book.
There's a whole section on McDonald.
It's not gibberish,
you just can't read, dude.
Well, uh, well, no, I can read this.
Here, check this out.
"The McDonalds of County Cork
"settled in the Lee Valley
- "as far back as"
- Wait, wait, wait, wait a second.
This is, like, Irish or Gaelic
or whatever, whatever they call it
you can read that?
Well, if "Gaelic" or
"Irish" is-is what you call
the magical gibberish language
that my pen pal taught me,
uh, yes, Mac, I can.
So you're telling me that
you can't read English,
but you can speak and read
an entirely different language?
Uh, I can read it, I can't speak it.
How can you read
something you can't speak?
- It doesn't make any sense.
- I don't know,
It's the mystery of the magic,
I don't know.
Plus, you know, these are Irish words,
And my mouth is made for
American words naturally
So your imaginary pen pal
was a real person?
Yes, dude, that's what I've been
telling you this whole time.
My mom was, like,
really invested in me having a pen pal
so she found me this kid,
Shelley Kelly. You know, I
I'm sorry, your pen pal's
name was Shelley Kelly?
- Yeah.
- Have you ever thought maybe you were related?
- Why?
- Because you have the same last name.
- He's from Ireland, man!
- Jesus Christ! Okay, look.
Follow me here for a second
Your mom was a giant whore, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
So maybe she banged her way
through Ireland sometime
in the '70s, right?
And maybe this is, like,
your half brother.
Dude, wait a second.
Now you're finally making some
sense here, because, like,
this guy is like the
Irish version of me.
You know what I mean?
We're into all the same shit.
Um, cheese, ghouls, um
uh, ghouls, cheese, uh
Holy shit, man, this is crazy.
- You know what the problem is?
- Yeah.
This library's got too many books.
- And so what I got to do is
- You need a phone instead.
- Well, I got to go to the source.
- Of?
I'm gonna call my mommy.
(PHONE RINGS)
(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
(GRUNTS)
Hey, Mommy!
Who is this?
It's it's me, Mac.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm in Ireland.
(GRUNTING)
I miss you, too.
- She didn't say that.
- Yes, she did. She did.
- Nah, she didn't. She did not.
- She totally did. Hey, Mom?
Um, so, anyway, um,
we're in Ireland, and I was
looking for Dad's house,
but the address you gave me was wrong,
And, like, I kind of can't find
the Luther McDonalds anywhere.
- Yeah.
- What do you mean, "yeah"?
Do you have any information
on Dad or our heritage?
- No.
- What do you mean, "no"?
You're not Irish.
(BELL TOLLS)
I'm not Irish?
- Yeah.
- Are you joking?
Nope.
My last name is McDonald.
- No.
- Are you telling me that Dad changed his last name?
- Yep.
- What's Dad's last name?
Vandross.
Dad's name is Luther Vandross?
- Are you messing with me?
- No.
- Are you Irish?
- Uh-uh.
- What are you?
- Dutch.
- What's Dad?
- Dutch.
Am I Dutch?!
- Yeah.
- No, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,
slow down.
Slow down, be serious, Mom, be serious!
Am I Irish?
No.
Please-please tell me
th-that's not true.
Please tell me that I'm
No! No!
You Dutch?
No, th-th-there's no way I'm Dutch.
- There's no way I'm
- (OTHERS SHUSHING)
You shush! You shush!
FRANK: Everybody was
on the island that weekend.
Jizzaline
the-the computer guy
with the little weird glasses?
He didn't do anything with the kids.
But he was really into the manatees.
Which, by the way,
also got very sexual.
- (STAMMERS)
- Frank
Can you, can you just stop talking
about sexual things with manatees.
The following year, he doesn't show up,
the manatee's all bent out of shape.
Frank, can you please stop?
I-I'm looking for someone
and you're distracting me.
I mean, this manatee was so depressed,
she actually swam into a boat propeller.
Boom! Blammo!
Mantacide.
The moral of the story is
the heart wants
what the heart wants.
It was all consensual.
Except for the kids, thus the shredding.
(GROANS)
Wait, oh, Frank, Frank, I've found her.
- FRANK: Who?
- The perfect woman with the perfect
head of Irish hair.
What, what the hell,
what the hell is that?
With the hair thing
what are you, some kind of freak?
Here's the thing.
I've always noticed that
redheads have a distinct odor.
(STAMMERS) A pleasant odor, to be clear.
But, um, a peculiar scent
that is quite different
than all other hair types.
And I've always wondered,
like, is that a genetic thing?
Or is it some sort of mutation
that sprung from generations
of being away from the motherland, so
I wanted to find a native with
an authentic head of Irish hair.
And this little lass over there
is the perfect specimen.
- Uh-huh.
- The perfect woman, I mean.
(STAMMERS) Woman.
She's the perfect woman.
I'll be back.
(SIGHS)
Hi, how are you?
Lovely. How are you?
I'm great, I'm great.
Are you from Ireland?
(LAUGHS) How'd you guess?
(LAUGHS, SNIFFS)
Oi!
- Liar!
- What the hell are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?
You're not Irish.
Or if you are, that-that's a wig.
There's no smell at all to you.
Am I to believe
that you're a natural redhead
and yet there's no odor?
No odor at all?
No, I don't believe you.
Are you okay, hon?
You seem a little nutted.
Oh, no, I'm fine.
If anyone's nutted, it's you.
Okay, if "nutted" means
that you're a liar.
- Have you got a temp check yet?
- What are you talk?
Don't-don't point that thing at me.
Jesus. You have a fever.
Okay, well, if I'm hot,
it's only because you've
riled me up with your lies.
My friend and I have traveled a
long way to this country and
Is that him?
Yeah.
You can't dump your rubbish in the beer!
That's not rubbish,
it's, uh, shredded documents
from a sex island, it's
I'm not gonna explain it
to you because, uh,
it sounds worse than it is.
You need to leave!
I'm going to leave. I want to leave.
I'm gonna go find real Irish people,
who have odors and don't
make people smell them,
only to find out that
they have no odor at all!
That's crazy!
Good day to you.
Hey, Frank, we got to go, man, come on.
We're getting kicked out.
Someone lied and I got angry.
- Oh.
- (PHONE RINGING)
(GROANS) Wait a minute.
Hold on a second.
Hey, Charlie!
Yo, Frank.
Hey, man. Can you come pick us up?
We got booted out of the library
'cause Mac's freaking out.
He just found out he's Dutch.
Aw, that's gonna be a whole thing.
Oh, dude, it's a whole thing already.
He's being super annoying about it.
We just got tossed out of this pub,
because Dennis was
smelling somebody's hair.
You can't smell something
that's got no odor, Frank.
Oh, really? (CHUCKLES) Weird.
Hey, look, dude, I found out
I might have, like,
a half brother or something.
So maybe we can, like,
take this trip out to the countryside?
I'd really love to
meet up with this guy.
A brother? That's weird.
Well, the country sounds good.
I can fold in my shred-and-spread.
Oh, you're doing a shred-and-spread?
We haven't done one of those
in years, man!
I'm gonna kill myself, Frank.
He's not really gonna do it,
dude, he's just being dramatic.
Do it, bitch!
Yeah, do it, bitch.
I'm not really gonna do it.
It's just a cry for help.
Yeah, no shit!
Just-just come pick us up, all right?
All right, all right, goodbye!
- Wait, let me get this bag
- Let's go.
Come on,
let's get this stuff out of here.
This is ridiculous, man.
What are you doing?
You're throwing it in a keg, seriously?
What, what are you gonna do?
I got to get rid of 'em.
She has arrived, the obnoxious
American MILF is walking!
The MILF is walking.
You're two hours late.
Am I now? Oh, gosh. Well,
I did get caught up in a little
bit of a shred-and-spread,
plus it's hard to tell
with the time difference.
Um, you can show me to my trailer now.
And I'd love a cup of coffee
Two creams, please?
- Uh
- Holy shit.
What?
I am so confused.
Is this more makeup?
(STAMMERS, GASPS)
Oh, goddamn! I mean
Yeah, yeah, it looks
as though the makeup
did redistribute down
into my, my eye area.
I think just a quick touch-up
from a professional would do the trick.
Okay, ma'am, I don't know
what's going on with you,
- but please leave my set.
- Hmm?
No, no, no, no no, come on.
Give me a chance, please.
I can still be an obnoxious
American mom you'd like to F!
Please, just give me a chance.
I'm sorry,
we've already recast your part.
You!
Do you two know each other?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
- I asked you first!
- Okay!
I've just been
backpacking across Europe.
About an hour ago,
some guy approached me,
said I'd be perfect for an
obnoxious American MILF.
Here I am.
You don't know what you're doing!
You're not even an actor.
- Neither are you.
- Oh, you bitch!
- Oh, you dumb bitch!
- Okay. Security!
- Get this woman off my set!
- Don't you start!
- Security!
- Don't you
Come on, man!
Okay, okay, okay, it's fine!
Okay, it's fine.
Everyone, listen, please.
Please, please, I'm begging you.
I'm begging you I need this so bad!
I need this worse than I've ever
needed anything in my entire life.
Please give me a role, any role.
A speaking role.
I'll say anything.
I'll also do anything.
That won't be necessary.
- Is it the black eyes, like?
- Because I don't trade
- roles for sex.
- Oh,
goddamn feminists ruin everything.
- Come on, man.
- Okay, okay, okay.
L-Look, we're
casting for the role
of "abused wife"
for a scene that shoots tomorrow.
- Huh?
- It's only one line, but
I suppose given your
current face situation
Yes, I'll take it! I'll nail it!
I'm gonna be fucking hilarious!
Oh, my God!
You'll see, you'll see how funny I am.
- The role is "abused wife."
- Yeah.
There's nothing funny about it.
Oh, dramatic role.
Even better.
That's where the awards are.
Yeah, whatever.
Just be here tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.
- Okay, yep, yep. No, I won't.
- And don't be late.
Abused wife!
Is it Abused Wife Number One?
Or It doesn't matter.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna nail it.
DENNIS: Well, gentlemen,
this driving experience has
become much more charming now that I've
switched to driving on the
correct side of the road. Huh?
- (HORN HONKS)
- See, the Irish are so accommodating.
They-they don't want to drive
headfirst into a maniac.
- They will simply move to avoid us.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
(COUGHING)
Dude, are you sick?
(COUGHING): I'm not sick.
I think I'm c-coughing 'cause
of all the European exhaust.
The air is probably thick
with, uh, petrol.
He can't smell nothing.
- Plus he's got a fever.
- What?
Do you think you might have COVID, dude?
I-I don't have COVID, okay?
- It's probably just, like, allergies or something.
- (HORN HONKING)
You know? Swerve, asshole!
Do you want to collide
with an oncoming car?!
(COUGHING)
Oh, my God, I'm on a call sheet!
That's my name!
I can't believe this!
I'm gonna be an abused wife!
Oh!
This is the greatest day
of my life oh, shit!
Got to look right when
you're in Ireland.
- That would've been stupid
- (TIRES SCREECH)
(ALL SHOUTING)
- Oh!
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, G
- No.
- That's not good.
- Come on.
Aw, man!
Oh, goddamn it, Dee!
Why weren't you looking?
- Well, she looked right.
- Well, you got to look both ways.
I mean, that's standard shit, man.
All right, well, don't yell at her
she's unconscious.
CHARLIE: All right, you know what,
Frank, give her some stew.
- I finished the stew.
- All right, uh, maybe
breathe your stewy breath in her face?
Stew and stew breath have never
(COUGHING)
You definitely have COVID, man.
You're the only one that
didn't get vaccinated.
I'm fine, I'm fine. Now, we
told Dee that we were gonna
pick her up from her acting gig,
and that's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna, we're gonna pick her up.
Pick her up? I mean
she's all gangly and
then I'm gonna be crammed
in the backseat with
an unconscious person.
Like, is there anything else we can do?
♪
(GRUNTING)
All right,
th-this is just gonna be much better,
- I think, you know?
- We should've done this from the very beginning.
- Yeah!
- Guys, I think we're finally on vacation.
Hey! ♪