Live at The Apollo (2004) s15e05 Episode Script
Ardal O’Hanlon, Sara Barron, Mawaan Rizwan
1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Ardal O'Hanlon.
MUSIC PLAYS Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live at the Apollo.
CHEERING My name is Ardal, it is a real name.
I am a real person.
Don't worry, nobody ever gets my name right.
Call me all sorts of things, Harry and Arnold and Aaron and .
.
Anal, that was one, genuinely.
Yes, I heard that over a tannoy system at a theatre in Norwich.
"Could Anal come to the stage door, please?" Lovely.
Me being so passive, I just turn up, go, "Yeah, it's me, Anal.
What do you want?" We're living in a period of tremendous change.
I was in a cocktail bar in London, not so long ago, ?17.
50 for a gin and tonic.
Some of you aren't batting an eyelid.
What sort of people are you? 17.
50! How could you enjoy that on any level, whatsoever? No matter how salubrious the surroundings were, no matter how brilliant the company, you'd be sitting there furious, all night.
"For feck's sake, 17.
50 for this!" No matter what you're celebrating, "17.
50, can you believe it?" God be it were the days not that long ago .
.
you could get an ordinary gin and tonic in an ordinary glass, little twist of lemon, got the job done and by all accounts helped to prevent malaria.
Now, you go into these cocktail bars, you're given a menu and a tutorial by some fellow with three or four beards and a curly moustache.
Looks like he's just taking a year off from exploring the Congo.
And the drink arrives in a big vase full of chopped vegetables and herbs and all sorts of detritus.
I'm pretty sure there was a bit of tuna floating around in there, looking like Gwyneth Paltrow's lunch.
Are we mugs? Are we fools? But apparently it's premium gin.
Made from rare botanicals and special berries found only in the oesophagus of a dead fawn and .
.
premium ice as well and made from the frozen tears of a fecking seal, I don't know.
I asked the half man/half beard, I said, "Why? Come on.
"Come clean.
Why the extortionate price?" And he explained to me, you see, it's not just a drink.
This is what he said.
"Not just a drink, it's an experience.
" Right? "All of this.
"The chandeliers, the banquettes, "the pan pipes, my waist coat.
Go on, ahead, feel it.
"It's velour.
Everything.
"It's an experience.
" I said, "Thank you, and now I know.
" I was on the way home, I tried to explain that to the police officer who breathalysed me.
"I wasn't drinking, I just had a few experiences.
"And while we're here, I want to report a robbery, ?17.
50.
" People are so easily offended nowadays, aren't they? Some people are permanently outraged.
I was holding a door open for someone the other day, I was accused of being sexist.
How do you like that? "Thank you very much, but that's a bit sexist.
" And I'm going, "Well, I didn't know you were a woman.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Which didn't help the situation, but I didn't.
I mean, it's just a common courtesy.
I don't look at the person I'm holding the door open for.
It's me who should've been offended, like she's making assumptions about me and, you know, what's she implying that I'm sexist or patronising or worse, I don't know.
If only she knew my genuine interest in population flow through buildings.
It's a real passion of mine.
How do you convey that to someone? We need to get a sense of proportion.
If I stood in front of the door and said, "No, sorry, "you can't come in here, you should be at home having a baby," that's sexist, and I wouldn't say that.
Not everything can be reduced to gender politics.
This was mostly about hinges.
You know, the less times you open and close the door during the day, the longer the hinges are going to last.
Why don't people know that? Why don't women know that? Now, that is sexist, but I only said it to illustrate a point.
Come on, people.
Obviously, you've got to be careful about what you say and do.
I know men who think before they speak and that's a welcome development.
I'm, uh, I'm from Generation X.
I'm getting on a bit.
I, um, spent a good part of this summer, actually, working on my bucket list.
You know, trying to think of things to do before it's too late.
I had to tear up the first attempt at the bucket list.
It was just too negative.
Just a list of people I wanted to kill.
Not really in the spirit of the exercise.
I'm actually working on an alternative to a bucket list.
Something I think you'll like, something you'll use in your own life.
It's a list of things I've no intention of ever doing.
It's cheaper and it's more achievable.
It's more of a "fuck it" list, you know? And there's great satisfaction in ticking items off the list as you don't do them.
Run a marathon.
"Ah, fuck it, I don't think I will.
" Machu Picchu.
"Fuck it, it's too far away.
" Stay at home and play the pan pipes.
Learn Mandarin.
"Fuck it, I'll get by with my OLevel French.
" I think it's very important that people act their age, that's the crucial thing.
I have friends now who are trying to stay in touch with contemporary music.
"Did you hear the latest Stormzy album?" No, of course not.
It's none of my business.
I've one friend, he quotes Stormzy lyrics to me, in the coffee shop.
"When I was 14, in the hood with the gangsters, "you can't be a dickhead in my hood or you'll get bantered.
" And I'm going, "You're 47, for feck's sake.
You're ".
.
you're a white man, you're an estate agent.
"Would you ever grow up?" We had Punk and New Wave and Radiohead.
We had our turn.
Young people don't like you listening to their music, it upsets them.
You know, unless Stormzy is singing about bladder problems, you know, or .
.
fantasising about running away with the pilates instructor, it's none of your business.
You have a lot of middle aged people now going to the outdoor festivals, Glastonbury and Latitude, hoovering up the valuable tickets at the expense of the young people.
You know who you are, I'm sure there's some of you out there.
We see you with your stools and your blankets and your Sudoku puzzles and LAUGHTER .
.
your backpacks full of prosecco and various types of cheese and .
.
wandering around with a timetable in case they miss Kendrick Lamar on the main stage.
Glamping in luxury tents and yurts, depriving some Mongolian herdsmen of a home.
All the young people are sleeping in their own vomit.
That's how you do it! Go home and act your age and stick on the Adele album.
It's not going to listen to itself.
I miss the certainties of childhood, that's what I miss.
You know, the world is round, there's nine planets - Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, and the other ones.
There's a God and he's a good God and he loves you.
But .
.
of course, you soon realise that life is just a series of disappointments.
First big disappointment in the average child's life is when they find out Santy doesn't exist.
I refused to believe it for a long time.
It wasn't until I had kids myself.
I had to get them the presents.
I realised there is no Santa.
I'm Santa.
And then, of course, it's one kick in the guts after another.
No Santa, no tooth fairy.
I learned the hard way.
I was rummaging around in my father's wardrobe, found his wand and his tutu.
LAUGHTER His big pile of money.
No Santa, no tooth fairy.
God.
Oh! Who knows? I consoled myself.
I still had my friend Eamonn - my best friend, my closest confidant.
But you know what's coming? I find out that Eamonn is an imaginary friend.
I'm actually getting emotional talking about it.
I'll never forget the day my brother Frank told me with great relish that Eamonn didn't exist.
He was just a figment of my imagination.
I was devastated, went crying to my mother.
She put her arms around me and she said, "It's true.
"And you know who else isn't real? "Your brother, Frank.
" I never got over the loss of my imaginary brother, Frank.
I'll tell you.
I never understood the mystery of carrot cake.
Carrot in a cake.
Seriously? Like, there are 42 types of cake available in the shops, and yet some people choose carrot cake.
Like, what is going on? I mean, cake is supposed to be a treat.
It's your birthday.
You have a slice of cake.
You're sad.
You console yourself with cake.
Whereas a carrot is something you stick in a snowman's face or hollow it out to make a hash pipe in an emergency, but that's about it.
I know the reason.
I know why it's so popular, so ubiquitous.
It's for people who love cake, but feel bad about eating it.
Yes, it's cake for guilty people.
It's Catholic cake.
You're in the bakery, you're there, and you're thinking to yourself, "Will I have the creamy, delicious sponge cake? "No, I shouldn't.
I mustn't.
"I'm a bad person for even thinking about it.
"I'll just have a slice of horrible cake instead and hopefully "I won't enjoy it.
And then I won't feel so bad.
"I'll just have the cake with the root vegetables in it "and hopefully it'll make me a little bit sick "and then I'll feel much better about myself.
"They're full of fibre, and the fibre is good for me, "it'll offset the sugar and the fat, "and the fibre will help me excrete it really quickly before it gives me "any pleasure whatsoever.
"I might as well stab myself in the eye with a fork so I won't be able "to see cake any more.
That'll teach me to be so greedy!" We Catholics are very well adjusted.
I'm not really religious, but I was brought up Catholic and people often ask me, like, do I suffer from the so-called Catholic guilt? As if there's a choice in the matter! No, I won't bother with the guilt, thanks very much.
I'll just have the fear.
That'll be grand.
People often ask me to describe this guilt.
It is a real thing, a real sensation.
As a Catholic person, you're born with a little jockey on your back.
You can't see him, but he's there all the time.
From the day you're born to the day you die, this little jockey straddling your neck and holding on to your hair and whispering in your ear, "Oh, Jesus, I wouldn't do that if I was you.
"Oh, you're for it now! You dirty, dirty bastard.
" And this is just because you're eating crisps or something, you know, or trying on your wife's bra.
It's so unfair.
Other nationalities don't have the guilt.
The English, I envy you.
You don't have this burden of guilt.
Granted, you're very apologetic.
You say sorry a lot.
I like that.
I actually came across this survey recently - the average English person, man or woman, says sorry two million times in his or her life.
Still not enough, but it's a start.
Sorry.
The only people more apologetic than the English are, in fact, the Irish.
Most sentences in Ireland begin with the word "sorry".
Like, you go into a restaurant, your first instinct would be, "Er, sorry, would you have a table? Would that be OK?" Everything, even if you're annoyed with someone.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologise.
" And this happened to me when I was about 18, I was on a bus one day when I was mugged.
You don't expect that.
I was sitting upstairs on my own, this man sits beside me.
There was all these empty seats, but he chose to sit beside me.
I knew I was in trouble, and he pulled out a knife and he demanded all my money and I gave him whatever I had.
And then I heard myself apologising to him.
"Sorry, I've only got a fiver.
" But get this, he apologised to me! He said, "I'm really sorry I had to do that, "but I have a bit of a drug problem.
" I went, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
" It was a very moving experience and we're still in touch.
Anyway, that's enough of my guff.
Are you ready for the first act, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING Please welcome to this historic stage, the one and only Sara Barron! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: All These Things That I've Done by The Killers Ah! Ah! What's up, Apollo? Are you well? CHEERING Good.
Listen Erm, I got married recently.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks for playing along.
That's why I moved here.
I married a British guy.
SCATTERED CHEERING That lack of whooping when I say the word "British," that is the self-loathing I signed on for.
I love you guys.
I'm never going back! So, he's British.
I married him for free health care, basically.
I know, right? Not even a joke.
Like, nothing turns an American on - a decent personality, hot-rod bod - I don't give a shit, OK? Nothing is as good as being like, "I can get all my moles removed for free?!" Ahhhhh! So hot, right? OK.
And anyway Jokes aside, erm It is genuinely this really exciting time in my relaysh because I'm expecting.
That's real.
That's real! CHEERING To have an affair.
Now LAUGHTER Here's the issue, right? So, my husband and I, we've been together now for eight years and this thing has started happening where peoplelike, people talk about the seven-year itch.
That's what gets the airtime.
And I got that.
Didn't scratch it.
Thank you.
Mistake.
Thank you! Because now I have what I've coined the eight-year rash.
It happens about eight years in.
Right? And it's where whatever it is that initially draws you to someone, eight years later, that's the same shit that repels you.
See, I meet a guy, right? In the beginning, fun and games, right? In the beginning, you're like GIGGLES COYLY You're, erm, you're a little dirty, but GIGGLES .
.
I like it.
Eight years later.
Wash your balls! Water and soap, asshole.
Ma'am, you're welcome.
Thank you.
I need something to balance the damage of social media.
Social media makes me feel terrible about my marriage.
I went on recently and the first thing that came up in my feed, right, the first post I saw was this thing.
It was written by a woman that I went to high school with, and I saw it and I memorised it instantly out of hatred - one of my gifts.
OK.
Thank you.
Here's what she wrote.
This is a verbatim quote, OK? She went on Facebook to write .
.
"Happy anniversary ".
.
to the other piece of my puzzle.
"My amazing husband, Brad!" And then the Brad is tagged.
You're like, "You share a house together! "Go in the kitchen.
Give the man a card.
OK?" She continues.
"I love you, baby.
"Being with you has made me the luckiest girl in the world.
"Hashtag luckiest girl.
" LAUGHTER "Hashtag in the world.
" "Hashtag blast, hashtag ten years, hashtag commitment.
"Hashtag anniversaries, hashtag true love, "hashtag married my best frieeeeend!" I'm like, "Hashtag get divorced," OK? Firstly, I'm calling time on this whole "married my best friend" shit.
I can't.
I'm at breaking point.
OK? I did go to three weddings last summer.
You understand what I'm telling you, right? This is three Saturdays of my life.
They're gone forever.
Fine! There was a moment in every ceremony - this is three in a row - where the bride went .
.
"Today "Sorry! "Today, I marry "not only the love of my life ".
.
but also "my best friend.
" Go get a real best friend! You've got to go get a real one.
OK? Because this wedding situation, right? That's not a marriage.
Like a marriage just IMITATES A PLANE CRASHING Even a good one by design, just IMITATES A PLANE CRASHING And the day that realisation occurs to you, you will need an actual best friend to bitch to about this asshole.
WHISTLING AND CHEERING Go get a real friend.
"My mum is my best friend.
" I know, right? That's another thing people say when they can't get a real friend.
I mean it! Mother's Day used to be this lovely thing.
Now it's people being like, "Mm! It's so beautiful! "Isn't it so beautiful? It's like so beautiful now "that as two grown women we can connect.
" No, it's not beautiful.
It means that you went out into the world, and you tried and you failed.
Mother's Day used to be beautiful.
It is now just a blight on the interwebs of people being like, "Happy Mother's Day to my amazing mum, Carol.
"You did an incredible job.
" No, she didn't.
You're very annoying! And then these ones who are like, "Luckiest girl in the world.
"I've got him.
I'm the luckiest!" I'm like, "Nah, nah, nah.
" We've got to revisit the definition of the word lucky, OK? Lucky is, um Lucky is if you won the lottery, right? O-M God, that's lucky.
Lucky is - and I'll tell you this and you'll be like, "That's not real," but this is a thing - did you know that some people just have a fast metabolism? There are women who are like, "Oh, it's midnight.
I'm really hungry.
I'll eat a full pizza.
"Oh, my God.
I still have a thigh gap.
" What the hell is that?! And you want me on board with the idea that these assholes here, they have wealth, they have a naturally occurring thigh gap, but, oh, they've got nothing on our girl here because somehow, we don't know how she found him - Tinder - but somehow .
.
you guys, she found someone else who also likes travelling and Coldplay! SHRIEKS LAUGHTER That's been my time with you guys, thank you so much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sara Barron, ladies and gentlemen! Are you ready for more comedy, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING You're going to love this guy! Please welcome the amazing, the wonderful Mawaan Rizwan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: Big For Your Boots by Stormzy # I've got the big size twelves on my feet # Your face ain't big for my boot # Skeng chat, kick up the yout # Man know that I kick up the yout Dem boy dere tried twist up the truth CHEERING You're welcome! My name's Mawaan, I hate attention LAUGHTER No, really - people think performing is a choice.
No, my dream was to be a book-keeper.
You know how it is.
The job centre was like, "Sorry, we only have one vacancy.
Fabulous comedian.
" So here I am wearing my best outfit on telly for one reason and one reason only .
.
to make it tax-deductible! In other news, I'm in love.
"Oh, Mawaan, that's amazing, how did you know?" Great question, mate.
I knew just a few dates in, right? What happened was he came to one of my gigs.
I was performing my song about how I've never been skiing and, er LAUGHTER Work of art.
And, er, he The thing is he's a therapist so I thought he'd be like, oh, you know, "You clearly do comedy cos you weren't loved enough as a child.
" But instead he was like, "Oh, I love the song.
"You should incorporate a confetti throw.
" And I was like, "Marry me!" If you've never been out with a therapist, by the way, I would highly recommend it.
I save so much money! Like, I tell him all my problems and then he listens, and then he tells me all his problems, and I change the subject back to me.
And then he says, "Mawaan, I'm not your therapist, I'm your boyfriend.
" And I say, "Shut up.
You work for the NHS and I pay my taxes!" And then he's like, "What do you want for your birthday?" And I'm like, "CBT, bitch!" And then later that night, I was in his bed and he had his hand on my belly.
Now, usually on dates I suck my stomach in, right? But that night, I don't know what came over me, I decided to breathe! Imagine! I was like, "O-K!" And do you know what he did? Nothing.
He didn't freak out.
He just let his belly go too.
And there we were in bed, two happy little Buddhas.
And I turned to camera and I was like, "He's the one, Mummy!" And then he says, "Mawaan, I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.
" And then I freaked out.
I didn't know what to say! What I should've said was, "Dude, that's amazing.
"Thank you for making yourself vulnerable enough to say that.
"I love you too.
" But instead all that came to my mouth was, "All right.
Yeah, cool, yeah.
" "All right.
Yeah.
Cool.
Yeah.
" And I think I freaked out because I know once you've said that you've committed into a relationship, innit? And I know relationships are hard.
I think they should be called negotiationships.
Cos that's you end up doing.
You know, I've made so many compromises.
I'll give you an example, OK? So we're watching telly and I want to watch First Dates.
He wants to watch some French So I compromise and we watch Give you another example.
He wants a threesome, OK? I'm not ready for that.
So I compromised and we got a cat.
LAUGHTER Doesn't always work, though.
A few months ago we were at a party and he wanted to go home and I wanted to stay because they'd just started playing Missy Elliott, and I'm sorry but I'm not disrespecting Missy like that.
So then he got upset, right? So to empathise with him, to EMPATHISE with him, I took loads of ecstasy.
LAUGHTER And then for some reason, he got angry.
So he leaves, and then two hours later I'm at the peak of my high and I realise what I've done - I've forgotten to compromise.
So I left the party, I ran to his house and I woke him up.
He's like, "What are you doing? I've got work in the morning.
" I was like, "Shut up.
I'm trying to be selfless.
" I said, "Listen, mate, you are the problem because you have said to me "that you love me and that makes me feel valued and important "and I'm not used to that.
"And I find it easier to avoid you and be a dick than to admit "that maybe someone actually loves me for who I really am.
"But despite that, I just want to say ".
.
I love you too, man.
" CHEERING But, obviously, I'm really high, so all you can hear is INDISTINCT RANTING "Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? "Do you know what I mean, though? Do you know what I mean? "Do you know what I mean? Like, I just frickin' love what you've done "with your living room.
" And I realise what I did that night was selfish, right? So I actually spoke to a therapist and I was like, "You need to help me with this.
" And he said, "Mawaan, I'm not your therapist, I'm your boyfriend!" I'd now like to leave you with a song.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is called Never Been Skiing.
# Yeah! Never been skiing # Cos it ain't a holiday if you've got to do exercise, you get me? # I've heard it's really expensive # I heard you break your back # I heard it's really cold # I heard your lips get chapped # I heard you slip and look like a dickhead # I ain't no dickhead # I heard you have to sleep in the chalet # What's a chalet? Ain't that an onion? # Never been skiing! # Never been skiing! # Never been skiing! # Never been skiing! # I'd rather stay at home watching, watching Blue Planet # Rather spend my money on a nice drug habit # Why you spending so much just to fall on your knees? # When you can sit on a banister # And slide down for free! # Frostbite, why would I do that? # Blue lips, why would I do that? # Ice brows, why would I do that? # Snow in my beard, I don't want to do that # All my rich white friends are like, didn't you go as a kid? # And I'm like, no, skiing is a homogeneous experience With no economic diversity! CHEERING # Never been skiing # Never been skiing # Never been skiing Never been skiing OK, fine, I went one time.
Loved it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Mawaan Rizwan.
Thank you very much, goodnight! Mawaan Rizwan! CHEERING Well, that's it from the Apollo, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight, you've been watching Sara Barron CHEERING .
.
Mawaan Rizwan CHEERING .
.
and myself, Ardal O'Hanlon.
You've been an amazing audience.
Thank you and goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC PLAYS Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live at the Apollo.
CHEERING My name is Ardal, it is a real name.
I am a real person.
Don't worry, nobody ever gets my name right.
Call me all sorts of things, Harry and Arnold and Aaron and .
.
Anal, that was one, genuinely.
Yes, I heard that over a tannoy system at a theatre in Norwich.
"Could Anal come to the stage door, please?" Lovely.
Me being so passive, I just turn up, go, "Yeah, it's me, Anal.
What do you want?" We're living in a period of tremendous change.
I was in a cocktail bar in London, not so long ago, ?17.
50 for a gin and tonic.
Some of you aren't batting an eyelid.
What sort of people are you? 17.
50! How could you enjoy that on any level, whatsoever? No matter how salubrious the surroundings were, no matter how brilliant the company, you'd be sitting there furious, all night.
"For feck's sake, 17.
50 for this!" No matter what you're celebrating, "17.
50, can you believe it?" God be it were the days not that long ago .
.
you could get an ordinary gin and tonic in an ordinary glass, little twist of lemon, got the job done and by all accounts helped to prevent malaria.
Now, you go into these cocktail bars, you're given a menu and a tutorial by some fellow with three or four beards and a curly moustache.
Looks like he's just taking a year off from exploring the Congo.
And the drink arrives in a big vase full of chopped vegetables and herbs and all sorts of detritus.
I'm pretty sure there was a bit of tuna floating around in there, looking like Gwyneth Paltrow's lunch.
Are we mugs? Are we fools? But apparently it's premium gin.
Made from rare botanicals and special berries found only in the oesophagus of a dead fawn and .
.
premium ice as well and made from the frozen tears of a fecking seal, I don't know.
I asked the half man/half beard, I said, "Why? Come on.
"Come clean.
Why the extortionate price?" And he explained to me, you see, it's not just a drink.
This is what he said.
"Not just a drink, it's an experience.
" Right? "All of this.
"The chandeliers, the banquettes, "the pan pipes, my waist coat.
Go on, ahead, feel it.
"It's velour.
Everything.
"It's an experience.
" I said, "Thank you, and now I know.
" I was on the way home, I tried to explain that to the police officer who breathalysed me.
"I wasn't drinking, I just had a few experiences.
"And while we're here, I want to report a robbery, ?17.
50.
" People are so easily offended nowadays, aren't they? Some people are permanently outraged.
I was holding a door open for someone the other day, I was accused of being sexist.
How do you like that? "Thank you very much, but that's a bit sexist.
" And I'm going, "Well, I didn't know you were a woman.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Which didn't help the situation, but I didn't.
I mean, it's just a common courtesy.
I don't look at the person I'm holding the door open for.
It's me who should've been offended, like she's making assumptions about me and, you know, what's she implying that I'm sexist or patronising or worse, I don't know.
If only she knew my genuine interest in population flow through buildings.
It's a real passion of mine.
How do you convey that to someone? We need to get a sense of proportion.
If I stood in front of the door and said, "No, sorry, "you can't come in here, you should be at home having a baby," that's sexist, and I wouldn't say that.
Not everything can be reduced to gender politics.
This was mostly about hinges.
You know, the less times you open and close the door during the day, the longer the hinges are going to last.
Why don't people know that? Why don't women know that? Now, that is sexist, but I only said it to illustrate a point.
Come on, people.
Obviously, you've got to be careful about what you say and do.
I know men who think before they speak and that's a welcome development.
I'm, uh, I'm from Generation X.
I'm getting on a bit.
I, um, spent a good part of this summer, actually, working on my bucket list.
You know, trying to think of things to do before it's too late.
I had to tear up the first attempt at the bucket list.
It was just too negative.
Just a list of people I wanted to kill.
Not really in the spirit of the exercise.
I'm actually working on an alternative to a bucket list.
Something I think you'll like, something you'll use in your own life.
It's a list of things I've no intention of ever doing.
It's cheaper and it's more achievable.
It's more of a "fuck it" list, you know? And there's great satisfaction in ticking items off the list as you don't do them.
Run a marathon.
"Ah, fuck it, I don't think I will.
" Machu Picchu.
"Fuck it, it's too far away.
" Stay at home and play the pan pipes.
Learn Mandarin.
"Fuck it, I'll get by with my OLevel French.
" I think it's very important that people act their age, that's the crucial thing.
I have friends now who are trying to stay in touch with contemporary music.
"Did you hear the latest Stormzy album?" No, of course not.
It's none of my business.
I've one friend, he quotes Stormzy lyrics to me, in the coffee shop.
"When I was 14, in the hood with the gangsters, "you can't be a dickhead in my hood or you'll get bantered.
" And I'm going, "You're 47, for feck's sake.
You're ".
.
you're a white man, you're an estate agent.
"Would you ever grow up?" We had Punk and New Wave and Radiohead.
We had our turn.
Young people don't like you listening to their music, it upsets them.
You know, unless Stormzy is singing about bladder problems, you know, or .
.
fantasising about running away with the pilates instructor, it's none of your business.
You have a lot of middle aged people now going to the outdoor festivals, Glastonbury and Latitude, hoovering up the valuable tickets at the expense of the young people.
You know who you are, I'm sure there's some of you out there.
We see you with your stools and your blankets and your Sudoku puzzles and LAUGHTER .
.
your backpacks full of prosecco and various types of cheese and .
.
wandering around with a timetable in case they miss Kendrick Lamar on the main stage.
Glamping in luxury tents and yurts, depriving some Mongolian herdsmen of a home.
All the young people are sleeping in their own vomit.
That's how you do it! Go home and act your age and stick on the Adele album.
It's not going to listen to itself.
I miss the certainties of childhood, that's what I miss.
You know, the world is round, there's nine planets - Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, and the other ones.
There's a God and he's a good God and he loves you.
But .
.
of course, you soon realise that life is just a series of disappointments.
First big disappointment in the average child's life is when they find out Santy doesn't exist.
I refused to believe it for a long time.
It wasn't until I had kids myself.
I had to get them the presents.
I realised there is no Santa.
I'm Santa.
And then, of course, it's one kick in the guts after another.
No Santa, no tooth fairy.
I learned the hard way.
I was rummaging around in my father's wardrobe, found his wand and his tutu.
LAUGHTER His big pile of money.
No Santa, no tooth fairy.
God.
Oh! Who knows? I consoled myself.
I still had my friend Eamonn - my best friend, my closest confidant.
But you know what's coming? I find out that Eamonn is an imaginary friend.
I'm actually getting emotional talking about it.
I'll never forget the day my brother Frank told me with great relish that Eamonn didn't exist.
He was just a figment of my imagination.
I was devastated, went crying to my mother.
She put her arms around me and she said, "It's true.
"And you know who else isn't real? "Your brother, Frank.
" I never got over the loss of my imaginary brother, Frank.
I'll tell you.
I never understood the mystery of carrot cake.
Carrot in a cake.
Seriously? Like, there are 42 types of cake available in the shops, and yet some people choose carrot cake.
Like, what is going on? I mean, cake is supposed to be a treat.
It's your birthday.
You have a slice of cake.
You're sad.
You console yourself with cake.
Whereas a carrot is something you stick in a snowman's face or hollow it out to make a hash pipe in an emergency, but that's about it.
I know the reason.
I know why it's so popular, so ubiquitous.
It's for people who love cake, but feel bad about eating it.
Yes, it's cake for guilty people.
It's Catholic cake.
You're in the bakery, you're there, and you're thinking to yourself, "Will I have the creamy, delicious sponge cake? "No, I shouldn't.
I mustn't.
"I'm a bad person for even thinking about it.
"I'll just have a slice of horrible cake instead and hopefully "I won't enjoy it.
And then I won't feel so bad.
"I'll just have the cake with the root vegetables in it "and hopefully it'll make me a little bit sick "and then I'll feel much better about myself.
"They're full of fibre, and the fibre is good for me, "it'll offset the sugar and the fat, "and the fibre will help me excrete it really quickly before it gives me "any pleasure whatsoever.
"I might as well stab myself in the eye with a fork so I won't be able "to see cake any more.
That'll teach me to be so greedy!" We Catholics are very well adjusted.
I'm not really religious, but I was brought up Catholic and people often ask me, like, do I suffer from the so-called Catholic guilt? As if there's a choice in the matter! No, I won't bother with the guilt, thanks very much.
I'll just have the fear.
That'll be grand.
People often ask me to describe this guilt.
It is a real thing, a real sensation.
As a Catholic person, you're born with a little jockey on your back.
You can't see him, but he's there all the time.
From the day you're born to the day you die, this little jockey straddling your neck and holding on to your hair and whispering in your ear, "Oh, Jesus, I wouldn't do that if I was you.
"Oh, you're for it now! You dirty, dirty bastard.
" And this is just because you're eating crisps or something, you know, or trying on your wife's bra.
It's so unfair.
Other nationalities don't have the guilt.
The English, I envy you.
You don't have this burden of guilt.
Granted, you're very apologetic.
You say sorry a lot.
I like that.
I actually came across this survey recently - the average English person, man or woman, says sorry two million times in his or her life.
Still not enough, but it's a start.
Sorry.
The only people more apologetic than the English are, in fact, the Irish.
Most sentences in Ireland begin with the word "sorry".
Like, you go into a restaurant, your first instinct would be, "Er, sorry, would you have a table? Would that be OK?" Everything, even if you're annoyed with someone.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologise.
" And this happened to me when I was about 18, I was on a bus one day when I was mugged.
You don't expect that.
I was sitting upstairs on my own, this man sits beside me.
There was all these empty seats, but he chose to sit beside me.
I knew I was in trouble, and he pulled out a knife and he demanded all my money and I gave him whatever I had.
And then I heard myself apologising to him.
"Sorry, I've only got a fiver.
" But get this, he apologised to me! He said, "I'm really sorry I had to do that, "but I have a bit of a drug problem.
" I went, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
" It was a very moving experience and we're still in touch.
Anyway, that's enough of my guff.
Are you ready for the first act, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING Please welcome to this historic stage, the one and only Sara Barron! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: All These Things That I've Done by The Killers Ah! Ah! What's up, Apollo? Are you well? CHEERING Good.
Listen Erm, I got married recently.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks for playing along.
That's why I moved here.
I married a British guy.
SCATTERED CHEERING That lack of whooping when I say the word "British," that is the self-loathing I signed on for.
I love you guys.
I'm never going back! So, he's British.
I married him for free health care, basically.
I know, right? Not even a joke.
Like, nothing turns an American on - a decent personality, hot-rod bod - I don't give a shit, OK? Nothing is as good as being like, "I can get all my moles removed for free?!" Ahhhhh! So hot, right? OK.
And anyway Jokes aside, erm It is genuinely this really exciting time in my relaysh because I'm expecting.
That's real.
That's real! CHEERING To have an affair.
Now LAUGHTER Here's the issue, right? So, my husband and I, we've been together now for eight years and this thing has started happening where peoplelike, people talk about the seven-year itch.
That's what gets the airtime.
And I got that.
Didn't scratch it.
Thank you.
Mistake.
Thank you! Because now I have what I've coined the eight-year rash.
It happens about eight years in.
Right? And it's where whatever it is that initially draws you to someone, eight years later, that's the same shit that repels you.
See, I meet a guy, right? In the beginning, fun and games, right? In the beginning, you're like GIGGLES COYLY You're, erm, you're a little dirty, but GIGGLES .
.
I like it.
Eight years later.
Wash your balls! Water and soap, asshole.
Ma'am, you're welcome.
Thank you.
I need something to balance the damage of social media.
Social media makes me feel terrible about my marriage.
I went on recently and the first thing that came up in my feed, right, the first post I saw was this thing.
It was written by a woman that I went to high school with, and I saw it and I memorised it instantly out of hatred - one of my gifts.
OK.
Thank you.
Here's what she wrote.
This is a verbatim quote, OK? She went on Facebook to write .
.
"Happy anniversary ".
.
to the other piece of my puzzle.
"My amazing husband, Brad!" And then the Brad is tagged.
You're like, "You share a house together! "Go in the kitchen.
Give the man a card.
OK?" She continues.
"I love you, baby.
"Being with you has made me the luckiest girl in the world.
"Hashtag luckiest girl.
" LAUGHTER "Hashtag in the world.
" "Hashtag blast, hashtag ten years, hashtag commitment.
"Hashtag anniversaries, hashtag true love, "hashtag married my best frieeeeend!" I'm like, "Hashtag get divorced," OK? Firstly, I'm calling time on this whole "married my best friend" shit.
I can't.
I'm at breaking point.
OK? I did go to three weddings last summer.
You understand what I'm telling you, right? This is three Saturdays of my life.
They're gone forever.
Fine! There was a moment in every ceremony - this is three in a row - where the bride went .
.
"Today "Sorry! "Today, I marry "not only the love of my life ".
.
but also "my best friend.
" Go get a real best friend! You've got to go get a real one.
OK? Because this wedding situation, right? That's not a marriage.
Like a marriage just IMITATES A PLANE CRASHING Even a good one by design, just IMITATES A PLANE CRASHING And the day that realisation occurs to you, you will need an actual best friend to bitch to about this asshole.
WHISTLING AND CHEERING Go get a real friend.
"My mum is my best friend.
" I know, right? That's another thing people say when they can't get a real friend.
I mean it! Mother's Day used to be this lovely thing.
Now it's people being like, "Mm! It's so beautiful! "Isn't it so beautiful? It's like so beautiful now "that as two grown women we can connect.
" No, it's not beautiful.
It means that you went out into the world, and you tried and you failed.
Mother's Day used to be beautiful.
It is now just a blight on the interwebs of people being like, "Happy Mother's Day to my amazing mum, Carol.
"You did an incredible job.
" No, she didn't.
You're very annoying! And then these ones who are like, "Luckiest girl in the world.
"I've got him.
I'm the luckiest!" I'm like, "Nah, nah, nah.
" We've got to revisit the definition of the word lucky, OK? Lucky is, um Lucky is if you won the lottery, right? O-M God, that's lucky.
Lucky is - and I'll tell you this and you'll be like, "That's not real," but this is a thing - did you know that some people just have a fast metabolism? There are women who are like, "Oh, it's midnight.
I'm really hungry.
I'll eat a full pizza.
"Oh, my God.
I still have a thigh gap.
" What the hell is that?! And you want me on board with the idea that these assholes here, they have wealth, they have a naturally occurring thigh gap, but, oh, they've got nothing on our girl here because somehow, we don't know how she found him - Tinder - but somehow .
.
you guys, she found someone else who also likes travelling and Coldplay! SHRIEKS LAUGHTER That's been my time with you guys, thank you so much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sara Barron, ladies and gentlemen! Are you ready for more comedy, ladies and gentlemen? CHEERING You're going to love this guy! Please welcome the amazing, the wonderful Mawaan Rizwan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: Big For Your Boots by Stormzy # I've got the big size twelves on my feet # Your face ain't big for my boot # Skeng chat, kick up the yout # Man know that I kick up the yout Dem boy dere tried twist up the truth CHEERING You're welcome! My name's Mawaan, I hate attention LAUGHTER No, really - people think performing is a choice.
No, my dream was to be a book-keeper.
You know how it is.
The job centre was like, "Sorry, we only have one vacancy.
Fabulous comedian.
" So here I am wearing my best outfit on telly for one reason and one reason only .
.
to make it tax-deductible! In other news, I'm in love.
"Oh, Mawaan, that's amazing, how did you know?" Great question, mate.
I knew just a few dates in, right? What happened was he came to one of my gigs.
I was performing my song about how I've never been skiing and, er LAUGHTER Work of art.
And, er, he The thing is he's a therapist so I thought he'd be like, oh, you know, "You clearly do comedy cos you weren't loved enough as a child.
" But instead he was like, "Oh, I love the song.
"You should incorporate a confetti throw.
" And I was like, "Marry me!" If you've never been out with a therapist, by the way, I would highly recommend it.
I save so much money! Like, I tell him all my problems and then he listens, and then he tells me all his problems, and I change the subject back to me.
And then he says, "Mawaan, I'm not your therapist, I'm your boyfriend.
" And I say, "Shut up.
You work for the NHS and I pay my taxes!" And then he's like, "What do you want for your birthday?" And I'm like, "CBT, bitch!" And then later that night, I was in his bed and he had his hand on my belly.
Now, usually on dates I suck my stomach in, right? But that night, I don't know what came over me, I decided to breathe! Imagine! I was like, "O-K!" And do you know what he did? Nothing.
He didn't freak out.
He just let his belly go too.
And there we were in bed, two happy little Buddhas.
And I turned to camera and I was like, "He's the one, Mummy!" And then he says, "Mawaan, I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.
" And then I freaked out.
I didn't know what to say! What I should've said was, "Dude, that's amazing.
"Thank you for making yourself vulnerable enough to say that.
"I love you too.
" But instead all that came to my mouth was, "All right.
Yeah, cool, yeah.
" "All right.
Yeah.
Cool.
Yeah.
" And I think I freaked out because I know once you've said that you've committed into a relationship, innit? And I know relationships are hard.
I think they should be called negotiationships.
Cos that's you end up doing.
You know, I've made so many compromises.
I'll give you an example, OK? So we're watching telly and I want to watch First Dates.
He wants to watch some French So I compromise and we watch Give you another example.
He wants a threesome, OK? I'm not ready for that.
So I compromised and we got a cat.
LAUGHTER Doesn't always work, though.
A few months ago we were at a party and he wanted to go home and I wanted to stay because they'd just started playing Missy Elliott, and I'm sorry but I'm not disrespecting Missy like that.
So then he got upset, right? So to empathise with him, to EMPATHISE with him, I took loads of ecstasy.
LAUGHTER And then for some reason, he got angry.
So he leaves, and then two hours later I'm at the peak of my high and I realise what I've done - I've forgotten to compromise.
So I left the party, I ran to his house and I woke him up.
He's like, "What are you doing? I've got work in the morning.
" I was like, "Shut up.
I'm trying to be selfless.
" I said, "Listen, mate, you are the problem because you have said to me "that you love me and that makes me feel valued and important "and I'm not used to that.
"And I find it easier to avoid you and be a dick than to admit "that maybe someone actually loves me for who I really am.
"But despite that, I just want to say ".
.
I love you too, man.
" CHEERING But, obviously, I'm really high, so all you can hear is INDISTINCT RANTING "Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? "Do you know what I mean, though? Do you know what I mean? "Do you know what I mean? Like, I just frickin' love what you've done "with your living room.
" And I realise what I did that night was selfish, right? So I actually spoke to a therapist and I was like, "You need to help me with this.
" And he said, "Mawaan, I'm not your therapist, I'm your boyfriend!" I'd now like to leave you with a song.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This is called Never Been Skiing.
# Yeah! Never been skiing # Cos it ain't a holiday if you've got to do exercise, you get me? # I've heard it's really expensive # I heard you break your back # I heard it's really cold # I heard your lips get chapped # I heard you slip and look like a dickhead # I ain't no dickhead # I heard you have to sleep in the chalet # What's a chalet? Ain't that an onion? # Never been skiing! # Never been skiing! # Never been skiing! # Never been skiing! # I'd rather stay at home watching, watching Blue Planet # Rather spend my money on a nice drug habit # Why you spending so much just to fall on your knees? # When you can sit on a banister # And slide down for free! # Frostbite, why would I do that? # Blue lips, why would I do that? # Ice brows, why would I do that? # Snow in my beard, I don't want to do that # All my rich white friends are like, didn't you go as a kid? # And I'm like, no, skiing is a homogeneous experience With no economic diversity! CHEERING # Never been skiing # Never been skiing # Never been skiing Never been skiing OK, fine, I went one time.
Loved it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been Mawaan Rizwan.
Thank you very much, goodnight! Mawaan Rizwan! CHEERING Well, that's it from the Apollo, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight, you've been watching Sara Barron CHEERING .
.
Mawaan Rizwan CHEERING .
.
and myself, Ardal O'Hanlon.
You've been an amazing audience.
Thank you and goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE