The Simpsons s15e05 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (GET SMART THEME PLAYING) (FLOOR CREAKING) Okay.
Mother's Day gift check.
Let's see what you got.
I picked Mom a bouquet of Erigeron elatiors.
Daisies.
Flowers! Hmm? Oh Yeah.
Lise, your stupid present will only last a week.
Mine will sit in the closet for years.
Bart, we made her the same thing.
Oh! This is even worse than you think! Look! Kids, we're going Mother's Day shopping.
I'm glad this holiday only comes every four years.
Let's see, what would she like? Twenty on the trifecta? Her wedding china back? (GASPING) I could get Marge a new window just like this one! Hey, Dad, why don't we try the Sprawl-Mart? Yeah, I love Sprawl-Mart.
They've got everything.
Even Christian videos with talking vegetables.
Mighty Yamses, we are weary of building your food pyramid.
Let my pickles go! Mmm! Moses.
(DROOLING) Welcome to Sprawl-Mart! Grampa? You have a job? How dare you challenge my perceptions of what old people can do! I'm a greeter.
I'm here to make every visit special.
And to size up potential shoplifters.
Like I can't shoplift with my mouth.
Ha-ha! Wow.
Look at all this stuff.
Oh, look, Jaclyn Smith has her own line of axe heads! Yeah, it's impressive.
But I still haven't found the perfect gift for Marge, only imperfect stuff for me.
Hey, look.
It's "Hairy Ass" Tubman.
(LAUGHING) Well, well, if it isn't Fatty and Smell-ma.
Your names can't hurt us.
(MOANS) Aunts Patty and Selma, can you help us pick out a Mother's Day gift? You can give her one of these, the Kitchen Carnival.
We got one when we appeared on an episode of The Price is Right, which the network refused to air.
Apparently, we're not "TV pretty.
" Wow! It's a machine that makes carnival food at home! "Endorsed by the American Carny Association.
" Wow.
I never thought I'd say this, but you slags are all right.
All this attention.
I feel like a secretary on Administrative Professionals Day! Marge, you're gonna love my present.
It is so thoughtful, it makes the kids' gifts look like crap.
(BOTH GRUMBLE) Kitchen Carnival! I love it! Thank you, Homie.
Oh, Marge, get a room! (HUMMING) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING) Only my hairdresser knows for sure.
Hmm.
Dare I pour caramel over the cotton candy? (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (THUNDER CLAPS) (MANIACAL LAUGHING CONTINUES) I'm gonna pour caramel on my clothes.
And then finally, I can eat my shorts! BOTH: Ahhh! What is that? This is 85 pounds of tooth-melting sugar.
Dig in.
(SUCKLING) That's it, kids.
Suckle daddy's sugar ball.
Chief, that guy shouldn't be in the car pool lane.
His passenger is just a big piece of candy.
I wish mine was.
What? Nothin'.
Homer, are you spooning that snack? (SCOFFS) That's my old lady.
(SNORING) Ants! Birds! Cats! Flandereses! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN) (SOBBING) I was saving sugar for my wedding night! Homie, it's time you got rid of that thing.
All that candy is rotting your brain.
(IN A SINISTER VOICE) I think you should get rid of her.
Then we can be together forever! Maybe you're right, Marge.
Or maybe you're right, Candy Ball.
No, Marge! Then again No, Marge! Definitely Marge! Goodbye, old friend.
I'll think of you whenever I have a stroke or a heart attack.
D'oh! (GROWLING) (ROARING) Oh, my God! I'm gonna be killed by a bear! Well, I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking.
Smooth.
(ROARING) (HOMER WHIMPERING) Homie, what happened to you? Marge, please.
I'm too upset to talk about it.
But seeing you like this is more than I can bear.
Bear! Ahhh! The angry president woke up, crawled out of his grave and went back to work.
(CHICKEN CLUCKING) That sound can mean only one thing.
It's time for another installment of "Kent's Cowards.
" Today's clip comes straight from the Springfield Dump.
Dad, you got attacked by a bear? I did a lot of stuff today.
I went to Starbucks.
But you didn't see that on tape.
(WHIMPERING) (PANIC-STRICKEN SOBBING) (WHIMPERING) (CHUCKLING) That hilarious footage was shot by local hunter, Grant Connor.
Not with a gun, but with a camera! That's right, Kent.
I often get guns and cameras confused.
One time, tragically, at a wedding I don't care if they think you're a coward, Dad.
You did the right thing hiding and crying.
Yeah.
We'd rather have a live sissy mincing around the house than some dead hero any day.
Choke on your candor! You can strangle Bart, but you can't strangle your humiliation.
It's a deal! (CHOKING) Hey, Simpson, I heard your dad's afraid of a little, old, giant grizzly bear.
The only thing my dad's afraid of is paying child support.
My dad once beat up six employees at KFC.
And he'd been up for three days.
SMITHERS: Homer Simpson, report to Mr.
Burns' office immediately.
Ahhh! (WHIMPERING) (ALL LAUGHING) What a delightful practically-based joke.
Hello? Anyone home? Marge? Maggie? Ahhh! (READING TITLES) Oh, Goldilocks.
And the three bears! Oh, God, they're in our food! Teddy Grahams, Gummi Bears! Are you a Care Bear? I'm an intensive Care Bear.
Why does a bear need a crowbar? I don't like to get my hands dirty.
(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Ahhh! (BEARS GROWLING) (WEEPING) Crying in the corner, huh? Mind if I join ya? No, go ahead.
(BOTH WEEPING) All right, that's enough, Fraidy Sue! Here's what you gotta do.
Find that bear that whupped ya and whup him back! Can I fight human-style by slowly poisoning his environment until he loses his fur and becomes sterile? You cowardly Swede! You face that bear like a man or I'll never speak to you again! But how will I find out what you had for lunch in 1928? I have a web site! ABE: Welcome to my home page.
Why don't you visit more often? Mr.
Simpson, if you want to find that bear that attacked you, use this.
It tracks an electronic tag I stuck in the bear's ear.
It's the same technology they use to keep tabs on Gary Busey.
Finally, science has joined forces with revenge.
Now listen.
The bull grizzly is seven feet tall, weighs more than a Mazda Miata and can tear through a tree like a Jewish mother through self-esteem.
Next time you face him, you better have some way to protect yourself.
(CRUNCHING) It's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill of the fight Risin' up to the challenge of our rival And the Lookin' good.
And I did it all without wasting money on one of those stupid welder's masks.
(SIZZLING) Behold the ultimate in anti-bear technology! The Bear Buster 5000! Available wherever fat men dream.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, dear Lord.
Check it out, ladies.
A suit that makes me completely invulnerable to bear attacks.
(GASPING) Homer, there's no rear on that thing.
I know.
If I get really scared, I don't want to ruin the suit.
Now look here, mister.
I forbid you to fight a bear.
What kind of an example would I be if I didn't take revenge on things? Dad, you can't take revenge on an animal.
That's the whole point of Moby Dick.
Lisa, the point of Moby Dick is be yourself.
You're not going and that's final.
D'oh! Fine! But do you know how ridiculous you look right now? (SOFTLY) Marge, are you awake? Marge? (CHUCKLING) (THUDDING) (CLANGING) (CREAKING) Hmm.
(CHUCKLING) Marge is sure gonna be steamed when she finds you missing.
Or dead.
Gentlemen, sometimes a man must put his marriage at risk for reasons that are confusing even to him.
You're sneaking out to fight that bear.
I want to go, too! No way! If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name.
Screw that.
When I grow up, I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass! That is so cool! All right, you can come.
Lisa, I think your father just left! And Bart's missing, too! I've got a bad feeling about this.
Let's check the suit closet.
Zoot suit, astronaut outfit, southern belle, Renaissance dandy, country-western octopus (GASPING) it's gone! That man and his foolish pride.
We've gotta go follow him.
Hmm.
(GIGGLES) I just wanted to see what it was like.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Howdy, y'all.
If you don't like my song, I'll spray you with ink! (CHUCKLING) I never realized how hot this suit is.
I'm sweating out all my bloodlust.
Why don't you take a bath in the river? This bear tracker stopped beeping a half hour ago.
Sweet! Hey, the batteries are missing from this thing.
Yeah.
We borrowed 'em for the radio.
BOTH: (SINGING) Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm washing the flub (ROARING) Oh, my God! Lenny! Carl! Bart! ALL: (SINGING) Rubbing sticks and stones together Makes the sparks ignite And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting Skyrockets in flight (HOMER SCREAMING) Mr.
Connor, thank you for helping find my husband.
I don't want my last words to him to be, "Clip your toenails, they look like Fritos.
" Mom! Mom! Stop the car! Dad went to take a bath, and the bear carried him off! Yeah.
It almost wrecked the whole trip.
Ma'am, I will find your husband before that bear kills him.
But first, a snack.
(FIRES GUN) I guess this is it.
If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die a man.
(ROARING) (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (WHIMPERING) Is this thing hurting you? Hmm.
(CRACKLING) Ahhh! (PANTING) Okay, it's probably the tag.
But just to be sure.
(CRACKLING) (YELLING) Hey, you're not mean.
It was just this tag that made you go ape-scat.
We're not so different.
Gimme a hug! Jeez, I don't know why bear hugs enjoy such a great reputation.
I guess that's so, we don't have a lot But at least I'm sure of all the things we got Babe (GIGGLING) I got you babe, I got you babe Funny.
(GUNSHOT) Oh, no.
The hunter has become the hunter.
He must be following this thing.
Well, I'm gonna make sure it never harms another living creature! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) MAN ON RADIO: A killer bear is on the loose in Springfield Forest.
And local laughingstock Homer Simpson is missing and presumed mauled.
(CHUCKLING) Wrong again, liberal media.
MAN ON RADIO: A bounty has been placed on the rogue bear in the amount of $10,000.
Don't worry.
I'll find you someplace safe.
The bear is no longer wearing his tracking device.
(MOCKINGLY) And it looks like he's headed toward that wildlife sanctuary.
Is there any sign of my husband? Hmm.
Your husband appears to be traveling with the bear.
Either as hostage or as what we call a "forest bride.
" Ew! Okay.
You want to go over there.
Hold on.
Something doesn't feel right.
(GROWLING) Wait, stop.
I know bullets can be scary sometimes.
But I have an idea.
First, we pull off all your fur.
(ROARING) All right, all right! I'm still thinking.
They're looking for a male bear, right? (GROWLS) Oh.
It's so easy to condemn, so hard to create.
Okay, boys.
That bear's gonna make a dash for freedom, unless we take him down.
(COCKS GUN) Yeah.
All the way down.
(COCKS GUN) What you said didn't really add much.
(COCKS GUN) I know.
I just wanted to belong.
(COCKS GUN) Well, we all feel that way sometimes.
(COCKS GUN) (GUNS COCKING) it's Homer! Don't shoot! Go! Go! It's that bear! Aim for the holes in the colander! He made it! He's finally protected from man.
Yeah.
But now he's being attacked by an elephant! (TRUMPETING) Well, I'm proud of you, Homie.
You set out to fight an animal, and you ended up saving its life.
What can I say? I love nature.
Circle of life.
English - US - PSDH