Celebrity Juice (2008) s15e06 Episode Script
Zoe Ball, Reggie and Bollie, Danny Dyer
1 Hi.
I'm Keith Lemon.
These are my not new titles.
If it ain't broken! Here is Holly Willough-booby coming out of a giant clam.
She's still got them bangers! Woo-hoo! There's Fearne Cotton, back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of modern science.
There's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo with a tiny willy, like in real life.
We are all here in heaven but we are not dead, it's just a metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not 4K-ready.
What's 4K? (CHEERING) Yeah! (CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Hurrah! Hurrah! Let's meet our team captains.
It's Holly Willough-boozy.
Who's on your team? Well, on my right, I have the very gorgeous Zoe Ball! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, don't mug me off.
It's only Danny Dyer! (CHEERING) OK, let's meet our next team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's on your team? On my left, I've got the Italian Job: it's Gino D'Acampo! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! And on my right, X Factor finalists Reggie 'N' Bollie! Yes! Here they are.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, he's gone all Bertie Big Bollocks It's Danny Dyer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well, it's been three years.
Well, two-and-a-half.
Has it? No, it's three years since you were last on.
As soon as he became a massive soap star, he's like (COCKNEY ACCENT), 'No, I can't fackin' do that.
You sexy (BLEEP).
' Yeah, since you started EastEnders, you've had an amazing run, haven't you? Yeah.
Here you are.
Here's a picture of Mick, the character you play.
(WOLF WHISTLING) How long does it take to put the prosthetics on so you look so different? (LAUGHTER) You got some storylines here.
You became the landlord of the Queen Vic pub.
Yeah.
I was straight in.
You had an affair with Dot Cotton, despite the 55-year age gap.
(LAUGHTER) You took a shit in Arthur's allotment.
And now your character's become gay.
What research did you do for that? (LAUGHTER) Going back to the Dot thing, good nosh.
Very good nosh.
(LAUGHTER) No.
If you take your teeth out, it's fuckin' bang on.
Please cut that out.
I'm joking.
For fuck's sake, cut, cut, cut.
Cut it out.
Keep that bit in.
I've never er I've never had a sexual encounter with June.
I'd like to but she don't wanna know.
(LAUGHTER) We've got some rumours here that I want you to clear up and confirm.
Are they true or not true? Go on.
These have all been in the press, apparently.
Is it true you used to be part of a three-piece pop group with Reggie 'N' Bollie in Africa, called RBM - Reggie, Bollie and Malcolm? (LAUGHTER) I think we've got a picture of it actually.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) True.
True.
Is it true you have really massive balls? (WOLF WHISTLING) How exactly is he going to clear up that rumour? I've got one massive bollock, yeah.
It's a mad thing.
It weighs a fucking tonne.
I'd love to whack it out.
Can I whack it out? (CHEERING) Just one.
You're allowed one.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'll show you it.
Why me? I'll show you it, right? Just go from Holly's reaction, right? I can't believe it.
This is on medical grounds, I'm doing this.
(SCREAMS) (CHEERING) Oh, my God! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) Keith Lemon lost for fucking words.
Are you having that? He's like a human snail.
His bollock is his home! It was like you pulled a human head out of your pants.
Jesus It was like fucking Elephant Man's younger brother! (LAUGHTER) My missus's chin is sometimes a bit bruised, you know what I mean? (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! Anyway, enough about my bollock.
Let's crack on.
# I wanna get against the wall # She can suck my ball It's Zoe Ball (CHEERING) As long as it's not his ball.
I ain't sucking Dyer's balls.
Zoe Ball.
Hello.
You get fitter with age, don't you? Well, thanks.
I fancied you as a kid.
You used to be a model, didn't you? What? Me? No, never.
Yes, you did.
I modelled Hoover bags.
That's modelling! You've got a new BBC1 Saturday night show.
It's called Can't Touch This with Ashley Banjo.
So, what happens? Basically, people get pinged out of a catapult and then they have to run along a travelator, win prizes, jump through the air and touch a car, then they win it.
So if you touch something, you win it? Yeah.
If I touch Holly, can I take her home and fuck her? No.
On Can't Touch This though, you add comedic sound effects, don't you? For entertainment value.
Does that work? Yeah, yeah, that's why it's funny.
I think we've got a clip.
We have, yes.
(CARTOON-STYLE DING!) (CARTOON-STYLE THUDDING) (APPLAUSE) Ouch.
He's fine.
I do love the sound effects on it.
So, what they've given meis the actual sound effect on this I'll call it a Tablet, because that certain fruit company never give me owt for free.
(LAUGHTER) Danny, could you just run out of shot somewhere? Just run out of shot and I'll do the sound effects.
Run that way, yeah? (COMEDY SPEEDY FOOTSTEPS) (GLASS SMASHING) It works.
It works.
That noise at the end was his bollock catching up with him.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne Cotton talking about my bollocks.
His bollock going through the door was (EXPLOSION) And the poor person sat down there, got to this all over them.
(THUD, SPLASH) But she fucking loved it! (WOMAN GROANS PLEASURABLY) Baby! (RIMSHOT) Hey, it's Reggie 'N' Bollie! (CHEERING) Reggie 'N' Bollie, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's your first time on the programme.
Before we go any further, can I get your full names? Reggie, what's your full name? My full name is Reginald Anusson! (LAUGHTER) Reginald Anus-son? (LAUGHTER) So, AnalA-N Anal-son (?) (LAUGHTER) Yeah, like anus-son! Bollie, what's your full name? Yeah, my full name is Ishmael Hamid.
Ishmael Hammered? Not hammered as in being hammered when you Hammered? Ha-mid.
Hammered? Not hammered.
I-D, like Hamid.
Hamid? Yes.
Hamid all the controversy.
(LAUGHTER) That sort of thing.
You came second on X Factor.
Yeah.
I just wanna say thanks for entertaining me for all those weeks in the X Factor.
Oh, wicked.
You came second place.
How much money did you win for second place? Oh, yeah, actually, we're not allowed to talk about the money.
Really? It's a record deal, innit? Tell us and we'll cut it out.
(LAUGHTER) Obviously, it wasn't the winner's prize.
Did you get about three grand? Oh, way more than that! (LAUGHTER) Way more, yeah! Don't brag because you won't be able to connect with the public.
(LAUGHTER) So you've got a new single out? Yeah.
The title is New Girl.
It's about finding the right person.
Finding the right girl that means everything to you.
But what's the message? The message is just love one woman.
No, that's a logistics! That's the instructions.
What's the clear message? The clear message is finding the right thing in life.
That's the essence.
What's the message? I got a new girl, she's so hot.
They are the facts Is it true you have had the longest game of paper, scissors and stone ever? I think we got a picture.
Apparently it's been going since the X Factor.
That they are again.
It's been going for ages.
Reggie wins! He's gone for the scissors! (LAUGHTER) Wicked.
So, Gino.
Let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING) OK, you know how it's played.
It is a word association game.
You mustn't stutter, hesitate, repeat a word.
But you mustn't show your teeth.
The category is drinks.
We will start with Zoe Ball.
Mali Mali Coca-Cola.
That's our winner! It's Fearne Cotton's team! And the scores at the end of the round are Sha-ting! I'll see you in three.
Coming after t'break Oh, look, it's Birdy Wirdy.
(SQUAWKING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Danny, I was just thinking if, by chance, it goes tits up with EastEnders, you could be a kids presenter, couldn't you? Piece of piss, yeah.
Great little audition tape there! Holly, any tips for him? Don't get your balls out.
Don't get your balls out.
Fearne? Did you ever get your balls out when you did kids telly? All the time.
But there might be a problematic area, the old swearing.
We are going to play a game, where I am going to start you off with 10 points.
You are going to present kids telly.
If you can get through it without swearing, you will win those 10 points.
Every time you swear, we take a point off.
You up for that? No fucking chance.
Let's play.
(LAUGHTER) (READS AUTOCUE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, Donna the dog, you lovely little thing.
What you look like, Danny, what you look like? Look at him! You look like a right mug.
You look like a nonce! You know what that means? Time to bring out my magical sack.
Now, listen.
I want to see your magical sack.
I have heard it is massive.
Now, listen, listen.
It is very shy, so we are going to have to sing it a little song.
Here we go.
Sing your sack a song (?) What is this program (?) Calm down, Donna.
This is the song.
(LAUGHTER) Is it letters? It is letters, as it happens.
Read a letter.
Read one.
Pipe down, Donna, cos I will clump you.
All right.
'Dear Danny, I love your show so, so, s-o-o-o-o much, I have drawn you a picture of my mummy when she went to see our neighbour Simon in his garden.
' This is from Jessie, aged seven from Brighton.
Show the picture.
Here's the fucking (BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) Unfortunately, that is all we have got in the magical sack.
Why don't you take it back to its special hiding place? Bye, Donna.
Bye, magical sack.
(CHEERING) # Birdy Wirdy # Oh.
Look, everyone, it's Birdy Wirdy.
How are you getting on? You all right? (CHEERING) You all right? (SQUAWKS) Say hello to the boys and girls.
(SQUAWKS) All right, Birdy, turn it in.
Turn it in now.
Right.
(SQUAWKS) (LAUGHTER) That will stay on.
Don't fuck about.
(BUZZER) First up on line one, we have got Minnie.
How you getting on? Hi, Uncle Danny, I am fine, thank you.
(SQUAWKS) I'm not going to lie, this bird is winding me up.
It is a right irritating bird, innit? (SQUAWKS) I've got a question.
I hear that Birdy Wirdy makes the most annoying sound in the world.
Can I hear it again, please? (SQUAWKS) (BOTH SQUAWK) Stop doing that.
Line three.
Adam from Scunthorpe.
Poor bastard.
How are you getting on? Hi, Danny.
I am a huge fan.
I love your glasses and hat and your big bollock.
I have got a question for you.
Danny, have you ever done a film that hasn't gone straight to DVD? (LAUGHTER) Adam, Adam, I appreciate the call, but let's be straight, you're a bit of a fucking arsehole.
I tell you what, Adam, get fucked.
(BUZZER) I'm afraid that is all the callers we have time for today.
Thanks to Birdy Wirdy.
(SQUAWKS) Fucking (BUZZER) (KLAXON) Danny Dyer, everyone! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! Reggie 'N' Bollie, you two as a double act, do you think you are in sync with each other? Do you know each other's thoughts and stuff? You work together closely.
Yeah.
Let's see how in sync they are, as we play Two Become One.
Hello.
Welcome to the House of Enlightenment.
First up, it is Holly Willough-boozy and Zoe Ball.
Hi.
There you are.
It smells nice.
Namaste.
Namaste.
Harry Ramsden's.
Your task is to feed sushi to a Japanese businessman, using only the chopsticks in each mouth.
All we need is a Japanese businessman.
Please welcome 'Ee-jee'.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Come on! Ee-jee! Keith.
Oh, there he is.
Sit.
Are you sure he is up for this? Sit here.
OK.
Don't look so worried.
Look how lovely they are.
They are going to feed you.
You have allotted time for two to become one.
(KLAXON) There they go.
Smashed that piece.
Ee-jee is laughing at you.
Still touching.
Keep touching.
That is in the rules, you have to keep touching, Holly.
All the way to the mouth.
You are not actually doing anything there.
But keep touching.
Keep touching, Holly.
It is in! (KLAXON) Well done, Holly and Zoe.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here you go.
This way.
Please welcome, next up, Reggie 'N' Bollie.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How's it going? Welcome to the House of Enlightenment.
You know what the challenge is.
We will see if two can become one.
In this round, you can see you have a plunger situated, I guess where your phallus would normally be.
You have a toilet roll.
What I want you to do is get the plunger in the toilet roll.
It sounds simple.
It is not that simple because you will be blindfolded.
Word to your mum.
I'm not just giving points out! So, can two become one, and get a plunger in a toilet roll? Put your blindfolds on.
All right.
Toilet roll between your knees.
I will turn you around.
The only words you can say to guide each other are your names.
OK.
Have you taken him away from the original position? Keep the toilet roll between your legs.
Whoa.
Have you got hold of it? Yes.
On the klaxon, let's see if two can become one.
(KLAXON) Reggie.
Bollie.
Bollie.
Reggie.
Bollie.
Yeah, Reggie.
Keep coming.
Bollie.
Reggie.
Reggie.
Yeah! Yes.
You have met each other, but can you get the plunger in the toilet roll? Reggie.
Bollie.
Reggie.
Bollie.
Reggie.
Oh, Bollie.
Reggie.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! No? Reggie.
Whoa! Are we in? You are not in.
Slowly.
Reggie.
Slowly.
(CHEERING) Reggie 'N' Bollie! (CHEERING) Next up, it's Danny Dyer.
Harry Ramsden's.
In this round of Two Become One, us two will become one by being connected via a sausage.
I have the sausage belt on.
So I have to get that in my mouth? Yes.
But what you have got to do is turn away from me and bend over.
(LAUGHTER) I will hopefully swing it up into your mouth.
Good game, innit? Hopefully, I can get past your massive bollock.
Come closer, come closer.
Come on, baby, give me that sausage.
On the klaxon.
Whack that thing in my mouth.
(KLAXON) Take our time.
Steady.
Steady.
(LAUGHTER) Come on, Danny! Just get that fucking thing (BUZZER) The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! It is really hot in here so I am going to the toilet to wipe my arse with a flannel.
See you after t'break.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break Happy birthday, ma'am.
Probably ain't got a clue who I am.
Go out tonight, get off your fucking nut.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Are you having a good time? Yes! Hurrah! Anyway, let's play the final round, it's the Buzzer Round! (WHISTLING) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer.
The questions relate to a story from this week's news.
Holly's team, your buzzer is 'Are you muggin' me off, ginger font color="# (LAUGHTER) That's Danny Dyer there.
Fearne's team, your buzzer is 'It's Reggie 'N' Bollie fun time! Let's dance!' (LAUGHTER) OK, here's the first question.
Who is this pretty young lass? 'Give over, you fackin' monkey!' (LAUGHTER) That's me, that is.
Is it? That is, that's me.
Cadfael.
(CHEERING) What's Prince Harry doing in this picture? 'It's Reggie 'N' Bollie fun time! Let's dance!' Has he just seen Danny's massive bollock? (LAUGHTER) He's on MDMA.
It's a joke.
'Malcolm.
Malcolm fackin' Smith.
' Is he thingy fighting? Lightsabers.
Let's have a look.
He is, isn't he? Lightsaber, yes.
Visiting the set of Star Wars there.
What a lucky (BLEEP), you know what I mean? (LAUGHTER) Danny, it's the Queen's birthday coming up.
It's her actual birthday today.
She'll have the other birthday, won't she, in June? That's bollocks she has two, isn't it? I thought it would be nice if you do a message down camera one for the Queen.
OK.
'Appy Birthday, Ma'am.
Erm You probably ain't got a clue who I am.
Doesn't matter to me.
Go out tonight, get off your fucking nut.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Enjoy yourself.
(WHISTLING) That's what you want on your birthday, isn't it? Yeah.
Fucking right.
Rip the arse out of it.
What does Jared Leto like to do with Loose Woman Denise Welch? 'It's Reggie 'N' Bollie fun time! Let's dance!' Without a doubt, the best photo from Coachella Festival this year.
Those two hanging out watching a band.
Brilliant.
Let's hav That is correct.
He likes to party hard.
How did Katie Price burn her lips this week? 'It's Reggie 'N' Bollie fun time! Let's dance!' Can we establish which lips? It is important to me.
No.
The question is just the lips.
'I'm Danny Dyer, I've got massive balls!' (LAUGHTER) Holly's team.
Is shewas she on a sunbed? That's correct.
What's happening to this monkey? 'I'm Danny Dyer.
I've got massive balls!' Holly's team.
It's wanking.
It's wanking, isn't it? That's not That's not the answer I've got here.
Is he smoking? Chimps don't smoke.
Oh, my God.
Animals don't know about cigarettes.
Don't tell them! Don't tell them! Cos then we are all at it.
Putting something up its arse.
Something up its arse.
Let's have a look.
It is putting something up its arse! No, it's having a ball with Zoe.
(KLAXON) That the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you the winning team is He really wants to win.
Is he gonna kick-off if he doesn't win? font color="#00ff I won't kick-off, I'll just have a shit on the floor there.
Won't even wipe my arse, and all.
OK, you ready? Ready? Yeah.
It's their first time on but Reggie 'n Bollie (CHEERING) It's their first time on but Reggie 'n Bollie It's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # REGGIE 'N' BOLLIE: New Girl Bye!
I'm Keith Lemon.
These are my not new titles.
If it ain't broken! Here is Holly Willough-booby coming out of a giant clam.
She's still got them bangers! Woo-hoo! There's Fearne Cotton, back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of modern science.
There's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo with a tiny willy, like in real life.
We are all here in heaven but we are not dead, it's just a metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not 4K-ready.
What's 4K? (CHEERING) Yeah! (CHEERING) (WHISTLING) Hurrah! Hurrah! Let's meet our team captains.
It's Holly Willough-boozy.
Who's on your team? Well, on my right, I have the very gorgeous Zoe Ball! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, don't mug me off.
It's only Danny Dyer! (CHEERING) OK, let's meet our next team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's on your team? On my left, I've got the Italian Job: it's Gino D'Acampo! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! And on my right, X Factor finalists Reggie 'N' Bollie! Yes! Here they are.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, he's gone all Bertie Big Bollocks It's Danny Dyer! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well, it's been three years.
Well, two-and-a-half.
Has it? No, it's three years since you were last on.
As soon as he became a massive soap star, he's like (COCKNEY ACCENT), 'No, I can't fackin' do that.
You sexy (BLEEP).
' Yeah, since you started EastEnders, you've had an amazing run, haven't you? Yeah.
Here you are.
Here's a picture of Mick, the character you play.
(WOLF WHISTLING) How long does it take to put the prosthetics on so you look so different? (LAUGHTER) You got some storylines here.
You became the landlord of the Queen Vic pub.
Yeah.
I was straight in.
You had an affair with Dot Cotton, despite the 55-year age gap.
(LAUGHTER) You took a shit in Arthur's allotment.
And now your character's become gay.
What research did you do for that? (LAUGHTER) Going back to the Dot thing, good nosh.
Very good nosh.
(LAUGHTER) No.
If you take your teeth out, it's fuckin' bang on.
Please cut that out.
I'm joking.
For fuck's sake, cut, cut, cut.
Cut it out.
Keep that bit in.
I've never er I've never had a sexual encounter with June.
I'd like to but she don't wanna know.
(LAUGHTER) We've got some rumours here that I want you to clear up and confirm.
Are they true or not true? Go on.
These have all been in the press, apparently.
Is it true you used to be part of a three-piece pop group with Reggie 'N' Bollie in Africa, called RBM - Reggie, Bollie and Malcolm? (LAUGHTER) I think we've got a picture of it actually.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) True.
True.
Is it true you have really massive balls? (WOLF WHISTLING) How exactly is he going to clear up that rumour? I've got one massive bollock, yeah.
It's a mad thing.
It weighs a fucking tonne.
I'd love to whack it out.
Can I whack it out? (CHEERING) Just one.
You're allowed one.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'll show you it.
Why me? I'll show you it, right? Just go from Holly's reaction, right? I can't believe it.
This is on medical grounds, I'm doing this.
(SCREAMS) (CHEERING) Oh, my God! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) Keith Lemon lost for fucking words.
Are you having that? He's like a human snail.
His bollock is his home! It was like you pulled a human head out of your pants.
Jesus It was like fucking Elephant Man's younger brother! (LAUGHTER) My missus's chin is sometimes a bit bruised, you know what I mean? (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! Anyway, enough about my bollock.
Let's crack on.
# I wanna get against the wall # She can suck my ball It's Zoe Ball (CHEERING) As long as it's not his ball.
I ain't sucking Dyer's balls.
Zoe Ball.
Hello.
You get fitter with age, don't you? Well, thanks.
I fancied you as a kid.
You used to be a model, didn't you? What? Me? No, never.
Yes, you did.
I modelled Hoover bags.
That's modelling! You've got a new BBC1 Saturday night show.
It's called Can't Touch This with Ashley Banjo.
So, what happens? Basically, people get pinged out of a catapult and then they have to run along a travelator, win prizes, jump through the air and touch a car, then they win it.
So if you touch something, you win it? Yeah.
If I touch Holly, can I take her home and fuck her? No.
On Can't Touch This though, you add comedic sound effects, don't you? For entertainment value.
Does that work? Yeah, yeah, that's why it's funny.
I think we've got a clip.
We have, yes.
(CARTOON-STYLE DING!) (CARTOON-STYLE THUDDING) (APPLAUSE) Ouch.
He's fine.
I do love the sound effects on it.
So, what they've given meis the actual sound effect on this I'll call it a Tablet, because that certain fruit company never give me owt for free.
(LAUGHTER) Danny, could you just run out of shot somewhere? Just run out of shot and I'll do the sound effects.
Run that way, yeah? (COMEDY SPEEDY FOOTSTEPS) (GLASS SMASHING) It works.
It works.
That noise at the end was his bollock catching up with him.
(LAUGHTER) Fearne Cotton talking about my bollocks.
His bollock going through the door was (EXPLOSION) And the poor person sat down there, got to this all over them.
(THUD, SPLASH) But she fucking loved it! (WOMAN GROANS PLEASURABLY) Baby! (RIMSHOT) Hey, it's Reggie 'N' Bollie! (CHEERING) Reggie 'N' Bollie, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's your first time on the programme.
Before we go any further, can I get your full names? Reggie, what's your full name? My full name is Reginald Anusson! (LAUGHTER) Reginald Anus-son? (LAUGHTER) So, AnalA-N Anal-son (?) (LAUGHTER) Yeah, like anus-son! Bollie, what's your full name? Yeah, my full name is Ishmael Hamid.
Ishmael Hammered? Not hammered as in being hammered when you Hammered? Ha-mid.
Hammered? Not hammered.
I-D, like Hamid.
Hamid? Yes.
Hamid all the controversy.
(LAUGHTER) That sort of thing.
You came second on X Factor.
Yeah.
I just wanna say thanks for entertaining me for all those weeks in the X Factor.
Oh, wicked.
You came second place.
How much money did you win for second place? Oh, yeah, actually, we're not allowed to talk about the money.
Really? It's a record deal, innit? Tell us and we'll cut it out.
(LAUGHTER) Obviously, it wasn't the winner's prize.
Did you get about three grand? Oh, way more than that! (LAUGHTER) Way more, yeah! Don't brag because you won't be able to connect with the public.
(LAUGHTER) So you've got a new single out? Yeah.
The title is New Girl.
It's about finding the right person.
Finding the right girl that means everything to you.
But what's the message? The message is just love one woman.
No, that's a logistics! That's the instructions.
What's the clear message? The clear message is finding the right thing in life.
That's the essence.
What's the message? I got a new girl, she's so hot.
They are the facts Is it true you have had the longest game of paper, scissors and stone ever? I think we got a picture.
Apparently it's been going since the X Factor.
That they are again.
It's been going for ages.
Reggie wins! He's gone for the scissors! (LAUGHTER) Wicked.
So, Gino.
Let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING) OK, you know how it's played.
It is a word association game.
You mustn't stutter, hesitate, repeat a word.
But you mustn't show your teeth.
The category is drinks.
We will start with Zoe Ball.
Mali Mali Coca-Cola.
That's our winner! It's Fearne Cotton's team! And the scores at the end of the round are Sha-ting! I'll see you in three.
Coming after t'break Oh, look, it's Birdy Wirdy.
(SQUAWKING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hurrah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Danny, I was just thinking if, by chance, it goes tits up with EastEnders, you could be a kids presenter, couldn't you? Piece of piss, yeah.
Great little audition tape there! Holly, any tips for him? Don't get your balls out.
Don't get your balls out.
Fearne? Did you ever get your balls out when you did kids telly? All the time.
But there might be a problematic area, the old swearing.
We are going to play a game, where I am going to start you off with 10 points.
You are going to present kids telly.
If you can get through it without swearing, you will win those 10 points.
Every time you swear, we take a point off.
You up for that? No fucking chance.
Let's play.
(LAUGHTER) (READS AUTOCUE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, Donna the dog, you lovely little thing.
What you look like, Danny, what you look like? Look at him! You look like a right mug.
You look like a nonce! You know what that means? Time to bring out my magical sack.
Now, listen.
I want to see your magical sack.
I have heard it is massive.
Now, listen, listen.
It is very shy, so we are going to have to sing it a little song.
Here we go.
Sing your sack a song (?) What is this program (?) Calm down, Donna.
This is the song.
(LAUGHTER) Is it letters? It is letters, as it happens.
Read a letter.
Read one.
Pipe down, Donna, cos I will clump you.
All right.
'Dear Danny, I love your show so, so, s-o-o-o-o much, I have drawn you a picture of my mummy when she went to see our neighbour Simon in his garden.
' This is from Jessie, aged seven from Brighton.
Show the picture.
Here's the fucking (BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) Unfortunately, that is all we have got in the magical sack.
Why don't you take it back to its special hiding place? Bye, Donna.
Bye, magical sack.
(CHEERING) # Birdy Wirdy # Oh.
Look, everyone, it's Birdy Wirdy.
How are you getting on? You all right? (CHEERING) You all right? (SQUAWKS) Say hello to the boys and girls.
(SQUAWKS) All right, Birdy, turn it in.
Turn it in now.
Right.
(SQUAWKS) (LAUGHTER) That will stay on.
Don't fuck about.
(BUZZER) First up on line one, we have got Minnie.
How you getting on? Hi, Uncle Danny, I am fine, thank you.
(SQUAWKS) I'm not going to lie, this bird is winding me up.
It is a right irritating bird, innit? (SQUAWKS) I've got a question.
I hear that Birdy Wirdy makes the most annoying sound in the world.
Can I hear it again, please? (SQUAWKS) (BOTH SQUAWK) Stop doing that.
Line three.
Adam from Scunthorpe.
Poor bastard.
How are you getting on? Hi, Danny.
I am a huge fan.
I love your glasses and hat and your big bollock.
I have got a question for you.
Danny, have you ever done a film that hasn't gone straight to DVD? (LAUGHTER) Adam, Adam, I appreciate the call, but let's be straight, you're a bit of a fucking arsehole.
I tell you what, Adam, get fucked.
(BUZZER) I'm afraid that is all the callers we have time for today.
Thanks to Birdy Wirdy.
(SQUAWKS) Fucking (BUZZER) (KLAXON) Danny Dyer, everyone! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! Reggie 'N' Bollie, you two as a double act, do you think you are in sync with each other? Do you know each other's thoughts and stuff? You work together closely.
Yeah.
Let's see how in sync they are, as we play Two Become One.
Hello.
Welcome to the House of Enlightenment.
First up, it is Holly Willough-boozy and Zoe Ball.
Hi.
There you are.
It smells nice.
Namaste.
Namaste.
Harry Ramsden's.
Your task is to feed sushi to a Japanese businessman, using only the chopsticks in each mouth.
All we need is a Japanese businessman.
Please welcome 'Ee-jee'.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Come on! Ee-jee! Keith.
Oh, there he is.
Sit.
Are you sure he is up for this? Sit here.
OK.
Don't look so worried.
Look how lovely they are.
They are going to feed you.
You have allotted time for two to become one.
(KLAXON) There they go.
Smashed that piece.
Ee-jee is laughing at you.
Still touching.
Keep touching.
That is in the rules, you have to keep touching, Holly.
All the way to the mouth.
You are not actually doing anything there.
But keep touching.
Keep touching, Holly.
It is in! (KLAXON) Well done, Holly and Zoe.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here you go.
This way.
Please welcome, next up, Reggie 'N' Bollie.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) How's it going? Welcome to the House of Enlightenment.
You know what the challenge is.
We will see if two can become one.
In this round, you can see you have a plunger situated, I guess where your phallus would normally be.
You have a toilet roll.
What I want you to do is get the plunger in the toilet roll.
It sounds simple.
It is not that simple because you will be blindfolded.
Word to your mum.
I'm not just giving points out! So, can two become one, and get a plunger in a toilet roll? Put your blindfolds on.
All right.
Toilet roll between your knees.
I will turn you around.
The only words you can say to guide each other are your names.
OK.
Have you taken him away from the original position? Keep the toilet roll between your legs.
Whoa.
Have you got hold of it? Yes.
On the klaxon, let's see if two can become one.
(KLAXON) Reggie.
Bollie.
Bollie.
Reggie.
Bollie.
Yeah, Reggie.
Keep coming.
Bollie.
Reggie.
Reggie.
Yeah! Yes.
You have met each other, but can you get the plunger in the toilet roll? Reggie.
Bollie.
Reggie.
Bollie.
Reggie.
Oh, Bollie.
Reggie.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! No? Reggie.
Whoa! Are we in? You are not in.
Slowly.
Reggie.
Slowly.
(CHEERING) Reggie 'N' Bollie! (CHEERING) Next up, it's Danny Dyer.
Harry Ramsden's.
In this round of Two Become One, us two will become one by being connected via a sausage.
I have the sausage belt on.
So I have to get that in my mouth? Yes.
But what you have got to do is turn away from me and bend over.
(LAUGHTER) I will hopefully swing it up into your mouth.
Good game, innit? Hopefully, I can get past your massive bollock.
Come closer, come closer.
Come on, baby, give me that sausage.
On the klaxon.
Whack that thing in my mouth.
(KLAXON) Take our time.
Steady.
Steady.
(LAUGHTER) Come on, Danny! Just get that fucking thing (BUZZER) The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! It is really hot in here so I am going to the toilet to wipe my arse with a flannel.
See you after t'break.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break Happy birthday, ma'am.
Probably ain't got a clue who I am.
Go out tonight, get off your fucking nut.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Are you having a good time? Yes! Hurrah! Anyway, let's play the final round, it's the Buzzer Round! (WHISTLING) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer.
The questions relate to a story from this week's news.
Holly's team, your buzzer is 'Are you muggin' me off, ginger font color="# (LAUGHTER) That's Danny Dyer there.
Fearne's team, your buzzer is 'It's Reggie 'N' Bollie fun time! Let's dance!' (LAUGHTER) OK, here's the first question.
Who is this pretty young lass? 'Give over, you fackin' monkey!' (LAUGHTER) That's me, that is.
Is it? That is, that's me.
Cadfael.
(CHEERING) What's Prince Harry doing in this picture? 'It's Reggie 'N' Bollie fun time! Let's dance!' Has he just seen Danny's massive bollock? (LAUGHTER) He's on MDMA.
It's a joke.
'Malcolm.
Malcolm fackin' Smith.
' Is he thingy fighting? Lightsabers.
Let's have a look.
He is, isn't he? Lightsaber, yes.
Visiting the set of Star Wars there.
What a lucky (BLEEP), you know what I mean? (LAUGHTER) Danny, it's the Queen's birthday coming up.
It's her actual birthday today.
She'll have the other birthday, won't she, in June? That's bollocks she has two, isn't it? I thought it would be nice if you do a message down camera one for the Queen.
OK.
'Appy Birthday, Ma'am.
Erm You probably ain't got a clue who I am.
Doesn't matter to me.
Go out tonight, get off your fucking nut.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Enjoy yourself.
(WHISTLING) That's what you want on your birthday, isn't it? Yeah.
Fucking right.
Rip the arse out of it.
What does Jared Leto like to do with Loose Woman Denise Welch? 'It's Reggie 'N' Bollie fun time! Let's dance!' Without a doubt, the best photo from Coachella Festival this year.
Those two hanging out watching a band.
Brilliant.
Let's hav That is correct.
He likes to party hard.
How did Katie Price burn her lips this week? 'It's Reggie 'N' Bollie fun time! Let's dance!' Can we establish which lips? It is important to me.
No.
The question is just the lips.
'I'm Danny Dyer, I've got massive balls!' (LAUGHTER) Holly's team.
Is shewas she on a sunbed? That's correct.
What's happening to this monkey? 'I'm Danny Dyer.
I've got massive balls!' Holly's team.
It's wanking.
It's wanking, isn't it? That's not That's not the answer I've got here.
Is he smoking? Chimps don't smoke.
Oh, my God.
Animals don't know about cigarettes.
Don't tell them! Don't tell them! Cos then we are all at it.
Putting something up its arse.
Something up its arse.
Let's have a look.
It is putting something up its arse! No, it's having a ball with Zoe.
(KLAXON) That the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you the winning team is He really wants to win.
Is he gonna kick-off if he doesn't win? font color="#00ff I won't kick-off, I'll just have a shit on the floor there.
Won't even wipe my arse, and all.
OK, you ready? Ready? Yeah.
It's their first time on but Reggie 'n Bollie (CHEERING) It's their first time on but Reggie 'n Bollie It's Holly's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # REGGIE 'N' BOLLIE: New Girl Bye!