It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s15e06 Episode Script

1
CHARLIE: Get the stew right up
- under her nose.
- MAC: Okay. Okay.
CHARLIE: And let it waft up in.
MAC: She keeps moving and her hair
keeps getting in the stew.
DENNIS: Guys, hey, guys, guys.
You can stop.
Stew has never woken anyone up, ever.
FRANK: Here, give me-give me stew.
- I'll eat it.
- CHARLIE: All right, fine.
But I feel like the stew No, see?
It's Oh, it worked! Here she comes!
- Oh!
- Hey, Dee!
- Don't worry, Dee
- Hi, Dee. Was it the stew that woke you up?
Ow. What happened?
Oh, don't worry.
We're, uh,
safe and sound in Patty's Pub.
What? We're back home?
- Oh, no, no, no.
- No.
- It's, uh "Patty's" with a T.
- CHARLIE: Yeah.
- P-A-T-T-Y.
- What is going on?
What-what time is it? What day is it?
Wait, did I miss the thing?
- What thing? Oh, the show?
- Uh, the acting thing?
- Oh, yeah, you missed it.
- Oh, oh, no.
- No.
- Did you still want to do that?
- You still want to do That's not gonna happen.
- Oh, no!
Oh, goddamn you.
You're not gonna be able
to walk back to the city
'cause we're way out in the
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[CHRISTOPHER BEATY'S
"POT OF GOLD" PLAYING]
What? No!
Oh, goddamn it!
Hey! ♪
- ♪
-
I cannot believe you
guys did this to me.
Dee, can you please be
grateful about this experience?
I mean, take it in, will you?
Uh, here we are.
We're-we're in this charming little pub.
You can smell fresh peat grass
burning in the fireplace.
You know, well, along with the, uh,
the evidence of Frank's involvement
- in a sex trafficking ring.
- Alleged.
DENNIS: Yeah, Dee, look,
you got to embrace this.
You know?
All you're doing is complaining.
This place is amazing. [COUGHING]
With the exception of
all the sheep wool.
Is that bothering anybody else?
No, because
we don't have COVID like you do.
- You're sick.
- No, I don't have COVID.
Even the beer here sucks.
Will you look at this? It's all foam.
What are you doing?
Oh. Sorry.
We-we run our own bar,
- so I forget and sometimes I serve myself.
- Huh.
- I'm just gonna squeak by you.
- Hmm.
Actually, while I got you here,
pal, can I ask you a question?
Do you know a fella in this town,
goes by the name of Shelley Kelly?
Yeah, everybody knows him.
He's the, uh, local, uh, cheesemonger.
Oh
H-He's the, uh cheese mongrel. Wow.
I did not know he was a mongrel.
Um, how severe is it?
Can-can he walk? Does he drool, or
- Monger, Charlie. Cheesemonger.
- FRANK: Cheesemonger.
Mon Cheese
Why are you saying it that way?
Is he a mongrel or a monster?
That's all I want to know.
- I wonder if he's cute.
- Who?
Your brother, the cheese monster.
Do not have sex with my brother, Mac.
You know, when I was Irish first,
then I-then I wanted to find
out what my heritage was.
But now that I'm gay first,
and that's my identity,
then maybe I should just be
plowing a bunch of dudes,
- and-and maybe a bunch of cheese monsters. I don't know.
- Aw, come on, man.
- Stop! Would you just
- There's gay or badass. - CHARLIE: Let it go, Mac!
You need to shut up, okay?
Identity doesn't have to factor
into absolutely every decision you make.
All right? If a man
wants to stand, he doesn't go,
"Uh, uh, what would a Dutchman do?
Would a Dutchman stand?" Okay?
And if-if an Italian
wants to eat a sandwich,
he doesn't go,
"I have to eat plates of spaghetti
because I'm an Italian."
He just eats the goddamn sandwich.
Okay? Oh, you fool.
If you want to go out and bang
every single guy in Ireland,
just go bang every guy in Ireland
and forget what your
identity has to do with it.
Or you could just find one guy,
fall in love, get in a relationship
and shut the hell up about it.
- Please stop doing that.
- Oh, come on, man!
If I got to stop mid-rant every
time I want to order a beer,
i-it's gonna interrupt my flow.
Right? Why don't you just keep
track of what we're drinking
and charge it to our individual rooms.
Oh, there's only one room.
- Hmm?
- BARTENDER: Yeah.
One room? Wha How's that gonna work?
- Nah, that's good.
- That's good?
All of us crammed in one
wool-infested room
that sounds good to you?
You want an authentic
European experience.
- That's what it is.
- Well, no, that
That's too authentic, okay?
I'm not-I'm not I'm not staying here.
I'm gonna rent a castle.
- [COUGHING]
- Well, wait for me. I'm not staying, either.
I'll tell you what,
I'm not paying for this beer, okay?
'Cause you can barely
swallow this sludge.
♪
- [COUGHING]
- Oh, oh, Dennis, hey.
You should let me do the
talking in there, okay?
- [SCOFFS] Why?
- Why?
'Cause if you cough in there,
they're not gonna rent us
the castle 'cause they're gonna know
you have COVID.
Dee, you bitch. I don't have COVID.
Okay? I'm not gonna cough in there.
You-you think I can't pinch off a cough?
I will do the talking.
Oh. [CLEARS THROAT] Hi there.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Beautiful day, isn't it? Huh?
G-Grand, as you say.
[CHUCKLES] I think what they say is,
"Top o' the mornin'."
Ah, that's a stereotype. Yeah.
Excuse my sister, she's, uh,
not very good at talking.
Um, so we're actually here looking f
[RETCHING]
- [COUGHS]
- Uh-oh.
Oh, gosh.
You okay there, Dennis?
[CHUCKLES]
- Uh, ah
- [GRUNTS]
Huh. Looks like I'll
be doing the talking.
- No. [GRUNTING]
- Uh, we would be looking for a castle,
and we are very interested
in modern amenities, please.
You know, your thermostats and
your remotes and shit like that.
Ar-Are you jotting any of this down?
- [SQUEALS]
- Yeah, yeah, right. So Sorry.
You caught me a little off guard,
is all.
So, you're-you're looking for a castle?
- [SQUAWKING]
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- [GRUNTING]
- Is he all right?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, he's okay.
Well, yes and no.
- You know what it is? He's a mongrel.
- [BARKS]
[GRUNTS]: No.
And that's why I've
always been the talker.
- [STRAINING]: Bitch. Bitch.
- Oh, boy, did you hear that?
- Yep, here-here he goes. Here he goes.
- [RETCHES]
Yeah. We have to keep him
in the basement in America,
'cause one of his ticks is that
he brutally masturbates himself.
- [STRAINING]: No, no.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, he-he does a real number on it.
- [RETCHES]
Yeah. He-he's shredded it down
- to a little tiny nub at this point.
- No!
Is what it is. No, no. He's saying,
"Down there,
there's barely anything left."
- [GRUNTING]: Damn it!
- That's what he's saying.
There's nothing left down there.
- [GROANS]
- Yeah, so, um,
I don't see you doing
a lot of castle searching.
[COUGHING]
[GRUNTING]
[COUGHING]
[GRUNTS]: Bitch.
He's also allergic to sheep.
♪
MAN: Go on, go on, out.
Get out, you bastards!
- Out.
- Hello, sir?
Oh, sorry. [CHUCKLES] I was, uh
Just bashing some rats.
I get it. It's cool.
Don't worry about it.
I bash a lot of rats
in my business, too.
And-and rats love cheese,
- so I imagine y-you get a lot of 'em here.
- [LAUGHS]
- This is, like, the place for rats.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, how can I help you?
Uh, right, well, uh,
I'm looking for, uh,
a young man named Shelley Kelly.
Is he around?
I'm Shelley Kelly. Who's asking?
Oh. I'm sorry. I
I'm looking for a-a younger man.
Uh, I'm looking
for the young Shelley Kelly.
Is he around?
Hey, you-you mind if I
sample some of your jellies?
- Oh, no. Go on. Help yourself.
- Ah.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Delightful.
Well, I'm
I'm the only Shelley Kelly
around here that I know of.
- Uh
- FRANK: Ooh.
This is the tits right here.
- [FRANK CHEWING LOUDLY]
- Yeah, no, that that doesn't make sense.
See-see,
Shelley Kelly is a-is a kid like me.
Uh, we're pen pals.
Sweet Jesus.
Charlie?
FRANK: Ugh. That's a miss.
It's got something in it like sand.
It's full of sand. Ech.
Yeah, I I'm Charlie.
FRANK: Mmm. I know what it is.
It's seeds.
Is there seeds in it?
And there's too many of 'em.
There's a lot of seeds.
[CHUCKLES]
FRANK: [COUGHS] It was a bad one.
That's buried in there.
That's gonna be in there all week.
Oh, God.
What'd I miss?
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Hello! Hello Hello?
Oh, Father, Father,
Father, I've got news.
I've got wonderful news.
Okay, so, I used to be Irish,
and now I'm Dutch.
Of course, I was badass the entire time,
but when you surround yourself
with people
who aren't as badass as you,
that tends to be quite isolating.
The point is I was confused.
To be honest with you,
I wanted to run through a bunch of pipe,
if you know what I mean
Well, you know what I mean.
But then I decided, you know what?
I only want one man inside of me.
The Big Man. The Big Man upstairs.
The only man that can fill me up.
Well, and his son. And the Holy Spirit.
I'll take all three of them at once.
I've done that before.
That was more in a physical sense,
not a spiritual one.
And believe me, it was messy.
Totally worth it, though. I loved it.
Either way, Father,
what I have decided is that
the most important
aspect of my identity
it's not being gay.
It's not being Irish.
It's not being badass.
It's being Catholic.
Therefore, I want to become
a Catholic priest!
- Well, that's nice to hear.
- [CHUCKLES]
But perhaps we could talk
at a more appropriate time.
[MAC GASPS SOFTLY]
Oh.
Uh Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.
I'll just get in the back of the line,
and then, uh, get the cracker,
and then we'll talk later.
Okay.
♪
Oh, goddamn it, what the hell is this?
That realtor screwed us.
Probably because you caused a scene.
What are you talking about, Dee?
This-this place is amazing.
I mean, I saw an old bell tower outside
and what I think used to be a moat.
Okay, this place is perfect.
- [COUGHS]
- This place is not perfect.
It's a ruin. We can't sleep here.
Wh [SIGHS] Dee, I'm sure there's,
like, a furnished area
with, like, bedrooms and shit somewhere.
I mean, what, do you,
what, do you want
to walk into a castle
[COUGHS] and have it feel like a Hyatt?
I mean, where's the charm in that?
[WHEEZES]
Whoa. This place has a dark past.
Murder, betrayal, beheadings.
Well, you know, it's a castle, Dee.
You know, people were going
crazy in castles all the time.
And beheading people
well, that-that was just
their way of solving problems
back then, you know.
[CHUCKLES]:
That's tenth century charm for you.
- [COUGHING]
- Yeah.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, this was in 2008.
- [COUGHS] Two What?
- Yeah. A mother
went insane and beheaded
all four children.
- Just chopped their heads right off.
- Well, that-that is
- that's decidedly less charming, isn't it?
- It's a little less charming.
I'm not sleeping here, Dennis.
It's very creepy.
No, Dee. This is gonna be great.
Trust me.
This is gon-this is gonna be awesome,
okay?
Just [CLEARS THROAT]
I don't care for all the sheep, though.
That's-that's my only thing.
All all what sheep?
- We haven't seen a sheep.
- The sheep, the sheep.
I-I'm sure they've been passing through,
and that's
Thr They've been passing
through the into the castle?
Well, why else would I
be coughing and wheezing?
You have COVID.
To Charlie, my son.
To the dad I didn't know I had.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I'm just sorry that
I didn't get a chance
to see you growing up.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
And for what it's worth,
I did love your mother.
So did I.
We all did.
A wonderful woman.
I banged her, too.
All right, well, Mom got around.
[CHUCKLES]: Well, yeah.
Hey, this is jammed in there.
What do you call it? What is that?
A lingonberry seed or something?
The important thing is you're here now.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. And I don't want to waste any more time.
No, neither do I. I mean, God, I've
[SIGHS] I've always had so
many questions, you know?
About who I am and where I come from.
- [SMACKING LIPS]
- And my-my
My-my family heritage, and-and, uh
- [FRANK SUCKING]
- You know, it's good to have some truth about
Will you stop?! You're just
You're sucking and slurping away.
I'm trying to have a conversation
- with my father.
- It's jammed in there, Charlie.
- I don't care, go to the bathroom
- I can't get it out.
- I'm gonna need a jackhammer.
- You're using a screw.
You're embarrassing me in
front of my dad here, man.
Sorry about him.
Charlie, I'm just glad that
you're sitting here now.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
My boy has found me,
and now I'm glad ♪
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I get it.
A dad I didn't know I had ♪
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
The first time round
is a bitter pill ♪
But the second chance
is better still ♪
And then we find
new seeds to sow ♪
To grow our love we didn't know ♪
[LAUGHTER]
The Kelly lads, the Kelly boys ♪
We drink and laugh
and make our noise ♪
We'll sync right up
with all our songs ♪
So come ahead and join along ♪
Hooray! Hurrah! ♪
A fiddle-dee-doo, a fiddle-da-da ♪
The Kelly lads, the Kelly boys ♪
They drink and laugh
and make their noise ♪
We sync right up
with all their songs ♪
So come ahead and join along. ♪
[LAUGHTER]
And I am Frank,
and I factor in somehow. ♪
- Aw, I shouldn't have used a screw.
- Jesus, Frank.
- Aw, I'm gonna
- Go to the bathroom and clean it up.
- Go, go. You're embarrassing me.
- Where's the bathroom?
[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]
Walking this path is
a serious commitment.
One that requires considerable training.
Oh, Father, look,
I-I've been S'ing and F'ing
my way through life for far too long.
I think it's time that
I started sucking down
the words of the Bible.
And instead of looking
for pieces of ass,
I'd just look for peace.
Well, your language
leaves a bit to be desired,
but your heart's in the right place.
I think.
So, to truly understand
what this life is like,
you need to spend some time
with someone who's living it.
Brother Thomas,
I'd like you to meet someone.
♪
And I can't fight
this feeling anymore ♪
I've forgotten what I ♪
Started fighting for ♪
It's time to bring this
ship into the shore ♪
And throw away the oars ♪
Forever ♪
'Cause I can't fight this feeling ♪
Anymore ♪
- I've forgotten. ♪
- Not him. Give me somebody else.
- I'm sorry?
- Father
I-I'm gonna be alone in the seminary
with him, in the rectory?
I mean, these are very triggering words.
I will S and F him into oblivion.
I mean, he looks like Paul Bunyan.
I need more of, like, a Elmer Fudd.
You got any Fudds?
Let me take a look.
Oh, yeah. What about this guy?
What's his story?
Gus?
Gus?
Yeah, I ain't falling in love with Gus.
Gimme him.
Sure.
♪
[WHEEZING LOUDLY]
See, Dee? The bedroom's perfect.
[WHEEZING LOUDLY]
Dude, I think you need a ventilator.
I just need a good night's sleep.
[WHEEZES]
Just go to bed.
I agree with you, I just
Well, I don't know what to do with her.
[WHEEZES]
- What?
- What?
Who you talking to?
Nobody. You're hearing things Dee.
[WHEEZES]
I think what I'm hearing is
fluid fill up your lungs.
[COUGHING] Dee, just go to bed.
Okay.
DENNIS: It has to be tonight?
Okay, Dennis, I don't like that.
I don't like it.
I'm not even talking to you.
I'm talking to the castle.
You're talking to the castle?
I-Is it talking back?
Dee, just go to bed!
[WHEEZING]
It's the hair, by the way.
Okay, n
right now,
are you talking to me or the castle?
You.
We were talking about
beheadings earlier.
- It's the hair.
- What's the hair?
Well, that's the trouble
with heads, isn't it?
The hair's not authentic.
It's it's been tampered with.
That's why there's no smell.
It's a it's a lie.
[WHEEZES]
The hair is on the head.
The hair is a lie, and therefore,
it's better to just remove
the head altogether.
Okay. Okay, Dennis,
you're very, very sick,
- and you need to go to the hospital.
- Silence!
[WHEEZING]
Dee, I can't breathe.
I need to go to the hospital.
Yeah, no shit!
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna call us an ambulance
- and get us out of here.
- Yeah.
No, no, my phone's dead.
Oh, there's no electricity
in this goddamn place.
Then go get the car and drive me.
The car's out of gas.
Then ring the bell!
- What bell?
- Go to the old bell tower
and ring the goddamn bell, you bitch!
Oh, God, um
Goddamn it.
Where's the stupid bell tower?
No. No, no, no, no.
- [WOMAN SCREAMS]
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- [BABY CRIES]
- Oh!
- Oh Oh!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
Oh, oh, oh
Aah! Get off me! Get off me!
Okay [PANTING]
- [WHEEZING]
- Hello?
Who is that?
♪
Your head is a lie.
Dennis? What are you doing?
You've tampered with it, and
we won't stand for it any longer.
Oh, D Dennis,
this is just the COVID talking, okay?
You're hallucinating.
I don't have COVID.
[CACKLES]
[COUGHING]
No, Dennis, please.
Please, Dennis, it's me. Snap out of it.
- [SHOUTING]
- [SCREAMING]
SHELLEY: So, that's the house.
- Wow.
- Oh, this place
- is charming as shit.
- Yeah.
- Dennis would be creaming in his pants if he saw this.
- Yeah.
Right, well, uh, language, Frank,
- you know, 'cause we're guests, so, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
It's a lovely home.
Uh, are you sure okay
with us staying the night?
Oh, I insist. Yeah.
I have a spare room is down the hall,
and, uh, I set up a cot for you there.
Oh, well, we'll take the cot.
Y You'll both sleep on the cot?
Uh, I think I'd rather take
the bedroom, Frank.
Won't you get lonely in there?
What if it gets cold?
Oh, there are plenty of blankets.
What if I poop the bed?
Who's gonna be in
there to laugh with me?
- What? You might shit the bed?
- No, no, no.
If that's the case, I have other sheets.
- No, no, no, he won't.
- One time.
- It was fun
- There was a one-time incident,
- It was a fun thing.
- and it was a joke,
and it really wasn't that funny, so
- It wasn't?
- Uh, no.
- I thought you thought it was funny.
- Nope.
Well, uh, I'm heading off.
Yeah. Sounds good.
- Good night.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, um, good night
Dad.
Oh. Good night, son.
[GAGGING, HACKING]
- Oh, seed! I got you.
- Yeah?
I found you, seed. Look at it.
- I coughed it out.
- Yeah. Gross. Yeah.
Oh. I thought you'd be happy for me.
Uh, sure, I guess. Sure.
Oh. I should eat it again.
Then it would be funny
'cause I didn't learn my lesson.
No, that wouldn't be funny.
It'd just be kind of dumb, you know.
Oh.
Um
I think-I think I'm gonna go to bed.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Uh
- So you're gonna stay in the room?
- Yeah, I'm gonna go to bed in here and
- I-I'll stay
I'll stay on the
I'll stay on the All right.
Good night, Frank.
Good night, Charlie.
♪
Good night, Charlie.