Celebrity Juice (2008) s15e07 Episode Script
'80s Special - Billy Ocean, Myleene Klass, Zach Galligan, Chris Kamara
1 I'm just going to put the VHS in.
Oh, flip, I've pressed Fast Forward.
Oh, shit, where's Stop? Let's Rewind.
Here we go.
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and these are my new titles.
Well, if it ain't broken.
First Holly Willough-booby coming out of a clam.
She's still got them bangers, boy! Whoa-ho! And Fearne Cotton who's back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of modern science.
There's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy just like in real life.
We're all here in heaven, but we're not dead, it's just an elaborate metaphor for how great the show is.
We're here to make the best show on telly.
What's that show? Not 4K ready.
What's 4K? # VAN HALEN: Jump (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INCREASES) Yes, it's Thursday.
It's still number one and it's Celebrity Juice, and it's my fucking birthday! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So you may have noticed I'm dressed as Terence Stamp who played General Zod in Superman 2 which was out in the '80s because tonight is an '80s theme.
So, let's meet our team captains and see what they've come as.
First up, it's Holly Willough-boozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
What have you come as, Holly? A Rainbow Brite.
It was my favourite toy of the '80s.
We've got a picture.
That's me on my horse.
You rode a horse with a tampon with red arms? (LAUGHTER) Rainbow Brite's job was to bring colour to the world.
Yeah.
Well, you've brought colour to my penis because now it's purple.
(LAUGHTER) Who's on your team? Well, on my right, I have the Goblin King from Labyrinth.
It's the one and only Gino.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino! Gino! As it's your birthday, I think we have especially flown in your birthday present all the way from America.
It is Billy from Gremlins.
It's Zach Galligan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you, sir.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) OK, let's meet our other team captain.
I think she's come as Madonna.
She's as old as Madonna.
Her fanny hangs out like a bacon sandwich.
It's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's on your team? Well, on my team I have '80s legend Billy Ocean! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh And on my left He's not there.
Well, the fact is because it's my birthday it's going to be a very self-indulgent show.
What I'm gonna do is make the perfect '80s lady just like they did in Weird Science, when those two geeky guys made Kelly Le Brock.
I've got the bits and parts down here.
To make an '80s lady you have to wear a bra on your head.
(LAUGHTER) I've got a computer here.
This is the kind of thing I'm going for, the perfect '80s lady.
Looks pretty perfect.
You can see the wires are going up her punny.
So (LAUGHTER) Right, I guess it's all programmed.
I'll just press Enter.
Wow-whee, it's Myleene Klass! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Happy birthday.
Can you feel that? Oh-ho-ho! (LAUGHTER) Billy Ocean! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holy shit.
How amazing.
Billy is here.
Finally, to have my dad as a guest.
You do know that he's not your dad, really.
I'm going to prove it to you.
He's white.
Right? He came from the white stuff.
Oh.
Yes! Dad, what we're going to do is do one of the DMA tests Right.
.
.
to prove it, yeah? Earlier on, my dad and myself sent off some sperm samples to some scientists.
They will taste the sperm We'll get the results live later on in the show.
Exciting, innit? It's like Jeremy Kyle, but without someone saying, "Don't tell me, tell her!" (LAUGHTER) Dad? Yes, son.
You're one of the most successful British artists of all time, selling over 30 million records worldwide! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You've got a new album coming out, haven't you? A new album.
I have it here.
It's called Here You Are.
Here You Are.
Which is a fantastic title.
Here You Are.
(LAUGHTER) Here You Are.
There it is.
It's got a picture of Barack Obama on the front.
I was 11 years old and , honestly Are you 11 years old there? Yeah.
And I did not masturbate.
(LAUGHTER) Restraint.
Until I was 13! (LAUGHTER) And then you were like that! But accompanying the album, you're touring, aren't you? I have to tour because when I'm at home my wife says, "Go out and do something.
" So I've got no choice.
I've got a picture somewhere.
This was when I was about four.
And this is the first time he ever took me to Disneyland.
You can see that there.
(LAUGHTER) Even there it looks like you want to get away from me! (LAUGHTER) I tell you what, over the years I've made you things.
I've never had the chance to give it you.
So here's a picture with some dried pasta.
Aw! I never got the chance to give you that, Dad.
I appreciate that.
I'll just give you that.
There's a moment there.
Wow.
Yeah.
There you go.
Now, you know people say you can hear the ocean in shells? Let's do a little test, yeah? I've brought a shell in.
A bit of science.
Let's see if we can hear the ocean.
# Get out of my dreams # And into my car # That's so cool.
Did you hear that? Yeah.
Listen.
Musical Ocean.
# Baby, love really hurts without you # It's good.
Listen to this.
I don't believe it.
# No more love on the run # It's fake.
It's real.
The music comes from there.
(LAUGHTER) You tricking people at home.
Come here, come here.
(LAUGHTER) Come here.
You tricking them, and then my children are going to believe.
Come on, come on.
Come on.
(LAUGHTER) Look at your legs! What are you fucking doing? We thought we'd do the joke where you hear the music in the shell.
My children watch.
At the beach, they're gonna say, "Why is there no fucking music in the shell?" Do you tell 'em there's no such thing as the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus? There is no fucking Santa Claus! How dare you say that! I'm - Don't say there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
The past few weeks you have been, like, fucking aggro, bitch.
Can you just play fucking along with some of the jokes, please? OK.
Otherwise making pizzas and fucking dough balls on This Morning.
Yeah? It's a bit of fun.
It's my fucking birthday.
Go along with the joke! We can cut it off and I pretend, "That's cool".
Yeah.
/fo (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Would you not use working on This Morning as a threat, please? (LAUGHTER) It's only Zach Galligan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Zach Galligan played Billy in Gremlins.
Yeah.
And Gremlins 2! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thank you for having me.
There you are in bed with Gizmo.
He looks terrified.
I don't know what you've just done to him.
(LAUGHTER) He's very cute.
Do you remember doing that scene? Yeah, sure.
What was it like, then? Well, first of all they had a ton of wires going all the way down out of Gizmo's butt.
(LAUGHTER) What was it like being an actor in the '80s, being involved in such a big film like Gremlins? It was pretty overwhelming.
You sort of went from nothing to everything in, like, a month.
Is it true that Spielberg says there's going to be a Gremlins 3? Erthey're talking about it, yeah.
That's an exclusive, Yeah.
Yes! Gremlins 3! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We actually tried to book Gizmo for the show.
But he cost too much? He's so expensive.
Too expensive, I know.
But he did agree to do a Skype message live from Hollywood.
Oh, great! I think we are going live to Hollywood to Gizmo now.
Gizmo, can you hear me? Hi, y'all.
Gizmo here, coming to you live from Hollywood.
Yeah, like, for real! There's Gizmo.
Over there in the UK, is it raining? I can't go to the UK when it's raining.
I get all wet.
Y'all know what happens when I get wet.
I get all fucked up and shit.
Gizmo, do you keep in touch with Phoebe Cates from Gremlins? Get Phoebe Cates to give me a call.
I remember when we were on the set of Gremlins and I would eat out her pussy real good.
Of course, it was before 12 because I can't eat pussy after 12.
I go all cranky and shit.
Y'all know what I'm talking about.
Hey, Holly.
Next time you're over here in Hollywood, I definitely would.
Know what I'm saying? I can't listen to it.
You got a fine ass, missy! (HOLLY SQUEALS) See you later, Gizmo! Peace out, Mr Lemon.
I like what you do.
Happy birthday, motherfucker! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Cheers, Gizmo! Yes! Gizmo, live from Hollywood! She's got a lovely tight ass, it's Myleene Klass.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Is it true you can play the piano backwards? It's true.
Would you do it tonight, cos it's my birthday? I will do that for you for your birthday.
Who wants to see Myleene play the piano backwards? We've got a piano over here.
She can play it backwards.
No way.
You have got me an 80s keyboard! '80s-themed birthday party.
Wow.
Are you into anal sex, by any chance? Gino! Pizzas! This Morning! You've got to bend.
Lady! You can feel.
Jesus Christ.
I thought you had turned your head round the wrong way.
It's like Death Becomes Her.
(LAUGHTER) (PLAYS NOTES) Look at her! Have you got that? Look at that! (PLAYS PURE AND SIMPLE BY HEAR'SAY) Pure and simple Whoo-hoo-hoo! Zach.
Yep? Is it true that you provided the burp noises on Gremlins 2? Well, actually, what happened is they took a snippet of it and they selected it for sort of There is a kind of official Hollywood sound reel, and so when you see Seinfeld and Kramer's burping, it's actually me burping.
I'm on that sound reel.
I do a Victorian bicycle bell.
(HONKS) Because you're the master of the burps, Zach Galligan we are going to play So what I'm gonna do is give you some fizzy pop or, if you're American, some soda.
(LAUGHTER) I want you to burp some sentences.
If you can do them, you get a point for your team.
OK.
I'll give it a try.
Oh, God! Do you like cola? Yeah, it's the best.
OK.
Sing me Happy Birthday.
I'll give it a shot.
You're watching ITV2, Celebrity Juice, Zach Galligan burping Happy Birthday.
(LAUGHTER) (BURPS) Happy birthday .
.
to you.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (GIGGLES) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) Yeah! I will never get laid in the United Kingdom ever again.
(LAU That was so good.
That's impressive.
Ever! (LAUGHTER) Let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
(CHEERING) You know how it works.
It's a word association game.
You mustn't stutter, you mustn't stammer.
I'll give you a category.
Then you will give me a word.
What you mustn't do though is show me your teeth or get them wet or feed them after midnight.
(LAUGHTER) The category I'm giving you this week is Gino? Perm.
In your hair.
Perm.
Pac-Man.
(MIMICS PAC-MAN GAME SOUND EFFECTS) (LAUGHTER) Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) (INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) Banana.
(LAUGHTER) Banana? (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) He means Bananarama.
It's his dad.
(BUZZER) What? Oh, piss! (LAUGHTER) The Goonies! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) That was '70s.
That was '70s.
(LAUGHTER) 'My mum (!)' (GIGGLES) 'My mum (!)' (BUZZER) So, hairy muff was '70s.
Very '70s.
Cyndi Lauper.
Cyndi Cyndi Cyndi (LAUGHTER) # Girls just wanna have fun # Whoa, girls just wanna have fun # That's what they really want # (LAUGHTER) Culture Club.
Bollocks.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) No.
You're out.
OK.
(LAUGHTER) Show your teeth if you like.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Mmm (BUZZER) (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are going to be given to us via Mick the Bad Guy from Teen Wolf.
(CHEERING) Mick, what are the scores? The score after this round is sha-ting! (CHEERING) I'm going for a pee.
I'll see you in See you after t'break.
(CHEERING) Coming up after t'break.
We can confirm (DRUM ROLL) .
.
that Billy Ocean Get on with it! (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Who is this Superman? (LAUGHTER) Welcome back to the '80s-themed Celebrity Juice Special.
It's my birthday.
Happy birthday to me.
(CHEERING) It's a pleasure to have my dad here.
But one of the main reasons we've got him here tonight is because we've got the results of the DMA test to prove that Billy Ocean is actually my father.
That was so fast.
This could be embarrassing if he's not yo Embarrassing for me, when I've been saying, 'Billy Ocean's my dad.
' Here it all is.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Let's open up.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Oh, God, I hope I don't start crying.
(LAUGHTER) Drum roll, that's appropriate, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) Showbiz.
OK.
OK, I'm gonna read it, Dad.
(LAUGHTER) 'Dear Mr Lemon' (DRUM ROLL) '.
.
your supplied samples have been analysed and our results are as follows' (LAUGHTER) 'Based on analysis of the samples taken from Billy Ocean and Keith Lemon, we can confirm that Billy Ocean' Get on with it! (LAUGHTER) '.
.
IS Keith Lemon's biological father.
' Yes! (CHEERING) # SISTER SLEDGE: We Are Family (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) We knew it though, anyway, didn't we? We knew.
We didn't have to do t'tests.
(LAUGHTER) Exactly.
Congratulations.
There's another envelope here.
'Private and confidential for Holly Willoughby, Celebrity Juice.
' Why? Uh-oh.
How are you wrapped into this? font colo She's probably up the duff again.
(LAUGHTER) This is a bit scary.
Do I get a drum roll? (DRUM ROLL) OK, it says, 'Dear Holly Willoughby, as the host of ITV's longest-running show, Surprise Surprise, the laboratory thought that I, Holly Willoughby, was the best-qualified person to tell Keith the following During the scientific DNA analysis of Keith and Billy, the laboratory made another incredible discovery.
Keith Lemon has a secret half-brother.
' AUDIENCE: Oooooh!/ 'The half-brother is .
.
Chris Kamara.
' (CHEERING) # This Is Your Life Theme (APPLAUSE) Give me some skin, man.
(BOTH LAUGH) Wow! Oh, my god.
Wow! We're all back together.
(LAUGHTER) Look at us.
(CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) What's it feel like for you? I didn't even know.
I knew you were from Leeds.
I didn't know how fat you were, that was it.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT) Don't pull that 'fat' shit, all right? I've never been on Ninja Warrior and gone, 'You look older in real life.
' (LAUGHTER) Eh? No, but everybody else says that.
(GIGGLES) (LAUGHTER) Yes, fucking laugh all you want, yeah.
(GUFFAWS) (LAUGHTER) Hey, the good thing is this is my suit, by the way.
(LAUGHTER) Chris Kamara, everyone! (CHEERING) Sit down with the family, yeah.
(CHEERING) Hi, Chris.
You must be proud.
OK, let's play Top Of The Plops (CHEERING) (DANCE MUSIC) Hi, it's Thursday.
It's still No.
1.
It's Top Of The Plops! (CHEERING) Get your finger out my arse.
OK, be quiet! I'm trying to present! OH, BE QUIET! (CHEERING STOPS) I'm trying to present, OK.
When I go for a pooh, I like to describe my pooh via song.
OK, that's what we're gonna do as we play Top Of The Plops.
Our first guest is Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING) Is this what it's like doing Top Of The Pops? It is just like this.
Get your finger out of my arse, you.
That does happen.
That does happen.
So, what I'm going to get you to do is describe a pooh via a song.
I want the title of the song and the artist.
Yeah.
I'm not used to this.
You're really crap at this, aren't you? Not in my nose! (LAUGHTER) OK, so you'll go on the klaxon.
Are you ready? I'm so ready.
(KLAXON) Christina Aguilera.
Dirty.
Yes.
Good.
Ellie Goulding.
Burn.
Baha Men.
Who Let The Dogs Out? Britney Spears.
Oops! I Did It Again.
Every morning! A point for each one.
Johnny Cash.
Ring Of Fire.
After a curry.
Hello? Oh, Jeff Buckley.
Hallelujah.
Or Alexandra Burke.
The third person to cover that song.
Oh, you know your music.
Why are you not on t'radio? Oh, cos you were shit.
I had ten successful years, you arsehole.
But you got sacked You! I'm joking.
Shall we kiss? No! Atomic.
Blondie.
(KLAXON) That's it! Well done.
# Like a virgin! Go.
Next up, it's Chris Kamara, my brother! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see if he can walk over here without laughing.
(LAUGHING) All right, our kid? Welcome to Top Of The Plops.
It's Thursday.
I'm here with my brother, Chris Kamara.
Now, we had Fearne Cotton describing her poos via song and artist.
My brother has to describe his penis.
So, I'm going to give you an example.
In your case, I would take Elton John's Tiny Dancer.
(LAUGHS) On the klaxon.
I wondered why you were in the dressing-room! (KLAXON) # Mama told me not to come Who's the artist? Tom Jones.
# Can you feel it? The Jacksons.
Can you not sing it? Cos we'll have to pay for it.
(LAUGHS) # Wild thing Stop singing! Stop singing it! I just want the name.
# Can I touch this? Don't sing it! # He ain't heavy Stop singing! # He's my brother (LAUGHING) (KLAXON) (CHEERING) Next up, it's Holly Willough-booby! (CHEERING) OK.
So, we've had Fearne describing her poos via song and artist.
We've had my brother describing his penis.
What do you think we're going to ask you to do? Tits? Vadge.
Tits and vadge? No, it's not vadge.
It's my birthday, so I'm a bit more mature.
It's 'vagina'.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) Oh, Guns N' Roses.
Welcome To The Jungle.
In your case, yes! Oh, anything by Wet, Wet, Wet.
That's Sweet Little Mystery by Wet, Wet, Wet.
All I can think of is Everybody Hurts by REM.
Oh, God.
Supermassive Black Hole by Muse.
(LAUGHS) This is just vaginas in general.
Oh, not yours? Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta Get Through This.
Oh, your mate, Craig David - Fill Me In.
What else? (KLAXON) There's the klaxon.
(CHEERING) Now it's over to Mark Arnold, AKA Mick from Teen Wolf.
What's the scores? The score after this round issha-ting! (CHEERING) Can you do the voice of Mick in Teen Wolf? There was no voice.
There was.
Do the voice.
No.
There was no voice.
That's the voice! We're going to a break now.
See you in three.
Coming up after t'break # Ooh, can I touch you? # Do the things that lovers do # Oh Welcome back.
It's our '80s special! OK.
Because it's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to, Dad, would you sing us a song? I would be glad to.
Yes! He's gonna sing us a song! (CHEERING) OK.
Then let's play Hi.
As you can see, our panellists have trousers round their ankles.
They have to get their trousers up to their waist, using only the power of dance.
You can't use your hands.
The power of dance.
Trousers up to the waist, for a point.
You'll go on the klaxon.
So, here's Billy Ocean singing When The Going Gets Tough.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # When the going gets tough, the tough get rough, yeah.
# Tough, tough, tough # Oh, baby # I've got something to tell you # I've got something to say # I'm gonna put this dream in motion # Never let nothing stand in my way # When the going gets tough The tough get going (KLAXON) # I'm gonna get myself 'cross the river # That's the price I'm willing to pay # I'm gonna make you stand # And give me love in the old-fashioned way # Darlin', I'll climb any mountain Darlin', I'll do anything # Ooh, can I touch you? # And do the things that lovers do # Ooh, I wanna hold you # I gotta get it through to you # Oh # When the going gets tough The tough get going # When the going gets rough The tough get rough # Hey, hey, hey, hey # Wohhh (SAXOPHONE SOLO) (CHEERING) # Touch me, baby # Wooh # Darlin', I'll climb any mountain Darlin', I'll swim every sea # Darlin', I'll reach for heaven Darlin', with you lovin' me # Oooh # (CHEERING) Thank you! Thanks, Dad.
Amazing.
Your brother's mother was the baby-sitter.
(LAUGHS) What? Yeah, I'm sorry.
Oh, Chris You mean nothing to him.
(LAUGHTER) I'm the main one.
It was a one-night fling.
Well done.
Has everyone got 'em on? Yeah.
Oh, I've just heard that Gino cheated.
What? How? No, I did say that they could have help from people.
Yeah.
I didn't put my teeth round his bum for nothing.
Right.
The adjudicators, that play this yearly, this game, said, if you do a plea down camera 4, they'll give you the point.
How am I gonna do a pee in front of them? No, a plea.
What's a plea? 'I'm sorry if you think I cheated, but Keith said I could have help.
Can I have the point?' Gino, why do you need a point? Hi.
I'm Gino.
(LAUGHTER) And I didn't cheat because they told me that someone could help me without using their font color=" So, please can I have one point? And they're gonna give you the point! (CHEERING) Everyone got the point! That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I've had the time of my life, with my dad and my new brother, Chris Kamara.
And the winning team is You're not gonna believe it.
But it's Fearne's team! (CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through t'window.
Happy birthday to me! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Woooh! Ta-ra!
Oh, flip, I've pressed Fast Forward.
Oh, shit, where's Stop? Let's Rewind.
Here we go.
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and these are my new titles.
Well, if it ain't broken.
First Holly Willough-booby coming out of a clam.
She's still got them bangers, boy! Whoa-ho! And Fearne Cotton who's back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of modern science.
There's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy just like in real life.
We're all here in heaven, but we're not dead, it's just an elaborate metaphor for how great the show is.
We're here to make the best show on telly.
What's that show? Not 4K ready.
What's 4K? # VAN HALEN: Jump (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INCREASES) Yes, it's Thursday.
It's still number one and it's Celebrity Juice, and it's my fucking birthday! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So you may have noticed I'm dressed as Terence Stamp who played General Zod in Superman 2 which was out in the '80s because tonight is an '80s theme.
So, let's meet our team captains and see what they've come as.
First up, it's Holly Willough-boozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
What have you come as, Holly? A Rainbow Brite.
It was my favourite toy of the '80s.
We've got a picture.
That's me on my horse.
You rode a horse with a tampon with red arms? (LAUGHTER) Rainbow Brite's job was to bring colour to the world.
Yeah.
Well, you've brought colour to my penis because now it's purple.
(LAUGHTER) Who's on your team? Well, on my right, I have the Goblin King from Labyrinth.
It's the one and only Gino.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino! Gino! As it's your birthday, I think we have especially flown in your birthday present all the way from America.
It is Billy from Gremlins.
It's Zach Galligan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you, sir.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) OK, let's meet our other team captain.
I think she's come as Madonna.
She's as old as Madonna.
Her fanny hangs out like a bacon sandwich.
It's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's on your team? Well, on my team I have '80s legend Billy Ocean! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh And on my left He's not there.
Well, the fact is because it's my birthday it's going to be a very self-indulgent show.
What I'm gonna do is make the perfect '80s lady just like they did in Weird Science, when those two geeky guys made Kelly Le Brock.
I've got the bits and parts down here.
To make an '80s lady you have to wear a bra on your head.
(LAUGHTER) I've got a computer here.
This is the kind of thing I'm going for, the perfect '80s lady.
Looks pretty perfect.
You can see the wires are going up her punny.
So (LAUGHTER) Right, I guess it's all programmed.
I'll just press Enter.
Wow-whee, it's Myleene Klass! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Happy birthday.
Can you feel that? Oh-ho-ho! (LAUGHTER) Billy Ocean! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holy shit.
How amazing.
Billy is here.
Finally, to have my dad as a guest.
You do know that he's not your dad, really.
I'm going to prove it to you.
He's white.
Right? He came from the white stuff.
Oh.
Yes! Dad, what we're going to do is do one of the DMA tests Right.
.
.
to prove it, yeah? Earlier on, my dad and myself sent off some sperm samples to some scientists.
They will taste the sperm We'll get the results live later on in the show.
Exciting, innit? It's like Jeremy Kyle, but without someone saying, "Don't tell me, tell her!" (LAUGHTER) Dad? Yes, son.
You're one of the most successful British artists of all time, selling over 30 million records worldwide! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You've got a new album coming out, haven't you? A new album.
I have it here.
It's called Here You Are.
Here You Are.
Which is a fantastic title.
Here You Are.
(LAUGHTER) Here You Are.
There it is.
It's got a picture of Barack Obama on the front.
I was 11 years old and , honestly Are you 11 years old there? Yeah.
And I did not masturbate.
(LAUGHTER) Restraint.
Until I was 13! (LAUGHTER) And then you were like that! But accompanying the album, you're touring, aren't you? I have to tour because when I'm at home my wife says, "Go out and do something.
" So I've got no choice.
I've got a picture somewhere.
This was when I was about four.
And this is the first time he ever took me to Disneyland.
You can see that there.
(LAUGHTER) Even there it looks like you want to get away from me! (LAUGHTER) I tell you what, over the years I've made you things.
I've never had the chance to give it you.
So here's a picture with some dried pasta.
Aw! I never got the chance to give you that, Dad.
I appreciate that.
I'll just give you that.
There's a moment there.
Wow.
Yeah.
There you go.
Now, you know people say you can hear the ocean in shells? Let's do a little test, yeah? I've brought a shell in.
A bit of science.
Let's see if we can hear the ocean.
# Get out of my dreams # And into my car # That's so cool.
Did you hear that? Yeah.
Listen.
Musical Ocean.
# Baby, love really hurts without you # It's good.
Listen to this.
I don't believe it.
# No more love on the run # It's fake.
It's real.
The music comes from there.
(LAUGHTER) You tricking people at home.
Come here, come here.
(LAUGHTER) Come here.
You tricking them, and then my children are going to believe.
Come on, come on.
Come on.
(LAUGHTER) Look at your legs! What are you fucking doing? We thought we'd do the joke where you hear the music in the shell.
My children watch.
At the beach, they're gonna say, "Why is there no fucking music in the shell?" Do you tell 'em there's no such thing as the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus? There is no fucking Santa Claus! How dare you say that! I'm - Don't say there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
The past few weeks you have been, like, fucking aggro, bitch.
Can you just play fucking along with some of the jokes, please? OK.
Otherwise making pizzas and fucking dough balls on This Morning.
Yeah? It's a bit of fun.
It's my fucking birthday.
Go along with the joke! We can cut it off and I pretend, "That's cool".
Yeah.
/fo (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Would you not use working on This Morning as a threat, please? (LAUGHTER) It's only Zach Galligan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Zach Galligan played Billy in Gremlins.
Yeah.
And Gremlins 2! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Thank you for having me.
There you are in bed with Gizmo.
He looks terrified.
I don't know what you've just done to him.
(LAUGHTER) He's very cute.
Do you remember doing that scene? Yeah, sure.
What was it like, then? Well, first of all they had a ton of wires going all the way down out of Gizmo's butt.
(LAUGHTER) What was it like being an actor in the '80s, being involved in such a big film like Gremlins? It was pretty overwhelming.
You sort of went from nothing to everything in, like, a month.
Is it true that Spielberg says there's going to be a Gremlins 3? Erthey're talking about it, yeah.
That's an exclusive, Yeah.
Yes! Gremlins 3! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We actually tried to book Gizmo for the show.
But he cost too much? He's so expensive.
Too expensive, I know.
But he did agree to do a Skype message live from Hollywood.
Oh, great! I think we are going live to Hollywood to Gizmo now.
Gizmo, can you hear me? Hi, y'all.
Gizmo here, coming to you live from Hollywood.
Yeah, like, for real! There's Gizmo.
Over there in the UK, is it raining? I can't go to the UK when it's raining.
I get all wet.
Y'all know what happens when I get wet.
I get all fucked up and shit.
Gizmo, do you keep in touch with Phoebe Cates from Gremlins? Get Phoebe Cates to give me a call.
I remember when we were on the set of Gremlins and I would eat out her pussy real good.
Of course, it was before 12 because I can't eat pussy after 12.
I go all cranky and shit.
Y'all know what I'm talking about.
Hey, Holly.
Next time you're over here in Hollywood, I definitely would.
Know what I'm saying? I can't listen to it.
You got a fine ass, missy! (HOLLY SQUEALS) See you later, Gizmo! Peace out, Mr Lemon.
I like what you do.
Happy birthday, motherfucker! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Cheers, Gizmo! Yes! Gizmo, live from Hollywood! She's got a lovely tight ass, it's Myleene Klass.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Is it true you can play the piano backwards? It's true.
Would you do it tonight, cos it's my birthday? I will do that for you for your birthday.
Who wants to see Myleene play the piano backwards? We've got a piano over here.
She can play it backwards.
No way.
You have got me an 80s keyboard! '80s-themed birthday party.
Wow.
Are you into anal sex, by any chance? Gino! Pizzas! This Morning! You've got to bend.
Lady! You can feel.
Jesus Christ.
I thought you had turned your head round the wrong way.
It's like Death Becomes Her.
(LAUGHTER) (PLAYS NOTES) Look at her! Have you got that? Look at that! (PLAYS PURE AND SIMPLE BY HEAR'SAY) Pure and simple Whoo-hoo-hoo! Zach.
Yep? Is it true that you provided the burp noises on Gremlins 2? Well, actually, what happened is they took a snippet of it and they selected it for sort of There is a kind of official Hollywood sound reel, and so when you see Seinfeld and Kramer's burping, it's actually me burping.
I'm on that sound reel.
I do a Victorian bicycle bell.
(HONKS) Because you're the master of the burps, Zach Galligan we are going to play So what I'm gonna do is give you some fizzy pop or, if you're American, some soda.
(LAUGHTER) I want you to burp some sentences.
If you can do them, you get a point for your team.
OK.
I'll give it a try.
Oh, God! Do you like cola? Yeah, it's the best.
OK.
Sing me Happy Birthday.
I'll give it a shot.
You're watching ITV2, Celebrity Juice, Zach Galligan burping Happy Birthday.
(LAUGHTER) (BURPS) Happy birthday .
.
to you.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) (GIGGLES) (APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH) Yeah! I will never get laid in the United Kingdom ever again.
(LAU That was so good.
That's impressive.
Ever! (LAUGHTER) Let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth.
(CHEERING) You know how it works.
It's a word association game.
You mustn't stutter, you mustn't stammer.
I'll give you a category.
Then you will give me a word.
What you mustn't do though is show me your teeth or get them wet or feed them after midnight.
(LAUGHTER) The category I'm giving you this week is Gino? Perm.
In your hair.
Perm.
Pac-Man.
(MIMICS PAC-MAN GAME SOUND EFFECTS) (LAUGHTER) Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) (INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) Banana.
(LAUGHTER) Banana? (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) He means Bananarama.
It's his dad.
(BUZZER) What? Oh, piss! (LAUGHTER) The Goonies! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) That was '70s.
That was '70s.
(LAUGHTER) 'My mum (!)' (GIGGLES) 'My mum (!)' (BUZZER) So, hairy muff was '70s.
Very '70s.
Cyndi Lauper.
Cyndi Cyndi Cyndi (LAUGHTER) # Girls just wanna have fun # Whoa, girls just wanna have fun # That's what they really want # (LAUGHTER) Culture Club.
Bollocks.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) No.
You're out.
OK.
(LAUGHTER) Show your teeth if you like.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Mmm (BUZZER) (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are going to be given to us via Mick the Bad Guy from Teen Wolf.
(CHEERING) Mick, what are the scores? The score after this round is sha-ting! (CHEERING) I'm going for a pee.
I'll see you in See you after t'break.
(CHEERING) Coming up after t'break.
We can confirm (DRUM ROLL) .
.
that Billy Ocean Get on with it! (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Who is this Superman? (LAUGHTER) Welcome back to the '80s-themed Celebrity Juice Special.
It's my birthday.
Happy birthday to me.
(CHEERING) It's a pleasure to have my dad here.
But one of the main reasons we've got him here tonight is because we've got the results of the DMA test to prove that Billy Ocean is actually my father.
That was so fast.
This could be embarrassing if he's not yo Embarrassing for me, when I've been saying, 'Billy Ocean's my dad.
' Here it all is.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Let's open up.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Oh, God, I hope I don't start crying.
(LAUGHTER) Drum roll, that's appropriate, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) Showbiz.
OK.
OK, I'm gonna read it, Dad.
(LAUGHTER) 'Dear Mr Lemon' (DRUM ROLL) '.
.
your supplied samples have been analysed and our results are as follows' (LAUGHTER) 'Based on analysis of the samples taken from Billy Ocean and Keith Lemon, we can confirm that Billy Ocean' Get on with it! (LAUGHTER) '.
.
IS Keith Lemon's biological father.
' Yes! (CHEERING) # SISTER SLEDGE: We Are Family (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) We knew it though, anyway, didn't we? We knew.
We didn't have to do t'tests.
(LAUGHTER) Exactly.
Congratulations.
There's another envelope here.
'Private and confidential for Holly Willoughby, Celebrity Juice.
' Why? Uh-oh.
How are you wrapped into this? font colo She's probably up the duff again.
(LAUGHTER) This is a bit scary.
Do I get a drum roll? (DRUM ROLL) OK, it says, 'Dear Holly Willoughby, as the host of ITV's longest-running show, Surprise Surprise, the laboratory thought that I, Holly Willoughby, was the best-qualified person to tell Keith the following During the scientific DNA analysis of Keith and Billy, the laboratory made another incredible discovery.
Keith Lemon has a secret half-brother.
' AUDIENCE: Oooooh!/ 'The half-brother is .
.
Chris Kamara.
' (CHEERING) # This Is Your Life Theme (APPLAUSE) Give me some skin, man.
(BOTH LAUGH) Wow! Oh, my god.
Wow! We're all back together.
(LAUGHTER) Look at us.
(CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) What's it feel like for you? I didn't even know.
I knew you were from Leeds.
I didn't know how fat you were, that was it.
(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH) (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT) Don't pull that 'fat' shit, all right? I've never been on Ninja Warrior and gone, 'You look older in real life.
' (LAUGHTER) Eh? No, but everybody else says that.
(GIGGLES) (LAUGHTER) Yes, fucking laugh all you want, yeah.
(GUFFAWS) (LAUGHTER) Hey, the good thing is this is my suit, by the way.
(LAUGHTER) Chris Kamara, everyone! (CHEERING) Sit down with the family, yeah.
(CHEERING) Hi, Chris.
You must be proud.
OK, let's play Top Of The Plops (CHEERING) (DANCE MUSIC) Hi, it's Thursday.
It's still No.
1.
It's Top Of The Plops! (CHEERING) Get your finger out my arse.
OK, be quiet! I'm trying to present! OH, BE QUIET! (CHEERING STOPS) I'm trying to present, OK.
When I go for a pooh, I like to describe my pooh via song.
OK, that's what we're gonna do as we play Top Of The Plops.
Our first guest is Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING) Is this what it's like doing Top Of The Pops? It is just like this.
Get your finger out of my arse, you.
That does happen.
That does happen.
So, what I'm going to get you to do is describe a pooh via a song.
I want the title of the song and the artist.
Yeah.
I'm not used to this.
You're really crap at this, aren't you? Not in my nose! (LAUGHTER) OK, so you'll go on the klaxon.
Are you ready? I'm so ready.
(KLAXON) Christina Aguilera.
Dirty.
Yes.
Good.
Ellie Goulding.
Burn.
Baha Men.
Who Let The Dogs Out? Britney Spears.
Oops! I Did It Again.
Every morning! A point for each one.
Johnny Cash.
Ring Of Fire.
After a curry.
Hello? Oh, Jeff Buckley.
Hallelujah.
Or Alexandra Burke.
The third person to cover that song.
Oh, you know your music.
Why are you not on t'radio? Oh, cos you were shit.
I had ten successful years, you arsehole.
But you got sacked You! I'm joking.
Shall we kiss? No! Atomic.
Blondie.
(KLAXON) That's it! Well done.
# Like a virgin! Go.
Next up, it's Chris Kamara, my brother! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's see if he can walk over here without laughing.
(LAUGHING) All right, our kid? Welcome to Top Of The Plops.
It's Thursday.
I'm here with my brother, Chris Kamara.
Now, we had Fearne Cotton describing her poos via song and artist.
My brother has to describe his penis.
So, I'm going to give you an example.
In your case, I would take Elton John's Tiny Dancer.
(LAUGHS) On the klaxon.
I wondered why you were in the dressing-room! (KLAXON) # Mama told me not to come Who's the artist? Tom Jones.
# Can you feel it? The Jacksons.
Can you not sing it? Cos we'll have to pay for it.
(LAUGHS) # Wild thing Stop singing! Stop singing it! I just want the name.
# Can I touch this? Don't sing it! # He ain't heavy Stop singing! # He's my brother (LAUGHING) (KLAXON) (CHEERING) Next up, it's Holly Willough-booby! (CHEERING) OK.
So, we've had Fearne describing her poos via song and artist.
We've had my brother describing his penis.
What do you think we're going to ask you to do? Tits? Vadge.
Tits and vadge? No, it's not vadge.
It's my birthday, so I'm a bit more mature.
It's 'vagina'.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) Oh, Guns N' Roses.
Welcome To The Jungle.
In your case, yes! Oh, anything by Wet, Wet, Wet.
That's Sweet Little Mystery by Wet, Wet, Wet.
All I can think of is Everybody Hurts by REM.
Oh, God.
Supermassive Black Hole by Muse.
(LAUGHS) This is just vaginas in general.
Oh, not yours? Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta Get Through This.
Oh, your mate, Craig David - Fill Me In.
What else? (KLAXON) There's the klaxon.
(CHEERING) Now it's over to Mark Arnold, AKA Mick from Teen Wolf.
What's the scores? The score after this round issha-ting! (CHEERING) Can you do the voice of Mick in Teen Wolf? There was no voice.
There was.
Do the voice.
No.
There was no voice.
That's the voice! We're going to a break now.
See you in three.
Coming up after t'break # Ooh, can I touch you? # Do the things that lovers do # Oh Welcome back.
It's our '80s special! OK.
Because it's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to, Dad, would you sing us a song? I would be glad to.
Yes! He's gonna sing us a song! (CHEERING) OK.
Then let's play Hi.
As you can see, our panellists have trousers round their ankles.
They have to get their trousers up to their waist, using only the power of dance.
You can't use your hands.
The power of dance.
Trousers up to the waist, for a point.
You'll go on the klaxon.
So, here's Billy Ocean singing When The Going Gets Tough.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # When the going gets tough, the tough get rough, yeah.
# Tough, tough, tough # Oh, baby # I've got something to tell you # I've got something to say # I'm gonna put this dream in motion # Never let nothing stand in my way # When the going gets tough The tough get going (KLAXON) # I'm gonna get myself 'cross the river # That's the price I'm willing to pay # I'm gonna make you stand # And give me love in the old-fashioned way # Darlin', I'll climb any mountain Darlin', I'll do anything # Ooh, can I touch you? # And do the things that lovers do # Ooh, I wanna hold you # I gotta get it through to you # Oh # When the going gets tough The tough get going # When the going gets rough The tough get rough # Hey, hey, hey, hey # Wohhh (SAXOPHONE SOLO) (CHEERING) # Touch me, baby # Wooh # Darlin', I'll climb any mountain Darlin', I'll swim every sea # Darlin', I'll reach for heaven Darlin', with you lovin' me # Oooh # (CHEERING) Thank you! Thanks, Dad.
Amazing.
Your brother's mother was the baby-sitter.
(LAUGHS) What? Yeah, I'm sorry.
Oh, Chris You mean nothing to him.
(LAUGHTER) I'm the main one.
It was a one-night fling.
Well done.
Has everyone got 'em on? Yeah.
Oh, I've just heard that Gino cheated.
What? How? No, I did say that they could have help from people.
Yeah.
I didn't put my teeth round his bum for nothing.
Right.
The adjudicators, that play this yearly, this game, said, if you do a plea down camera 4, they'll give you the point.
How am I gonna do a pee in front of them? No, a plea.
What's a plea? 'I'm sorry if you think I cheated, but Keith said I could have help.
Can I have the point?' Gino, why do you need a point? Hi.
I'm Gino.
(LAUGHTER) And I didn't cheat because they told me that someone could help me without using their font color=" So, please can I have one point? And they're gonna give you the point! (CHEERING) Everyone got the point! That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I've had the time of my life, with my dad and my new brother, Chris Kamara.
And the winning team is You're not gonna believe it.
But it's Fearne's team! (CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through t'window.
Happy birthday to me! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Woooh! Ta-ra!