It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s15e07 Episode Script

1
- [IRISH MUSIC PLAYING]
- DEE: Dennis.
- Wake up, buddy.
-
- Smell the stew, okay?
-
Breathe in the arousing aromas
of this delicious st Ah, screw it.
- [SCREAMING]
- [LAUGHS]
What the hell was that?
That's hot as shit.
Yeah, yeah, that's a whole bowl of stew
you took right in the grill.
See? It does wake people up.
[GRUNTS]
Why am I in a hospital? [SPITS]
And why is your head still on?
Did they reattach it?
Left the skin pretty loose, I see.
You didn't behead me, you stupid idiot.
You had a 105-degree fever,
and you were hallucinating.
You were too weak to even lift the ax.
You did collapse and shit yourself
and stink up the whole castle.
You know, Dee, I, uh
I'm starting to think
I might have had COVID.
- Oh, yeah? You think?
- Yeah.
Mr. Reynolds, you're finally up.
What is that?
- It's stew. What's the update, man?
- Stew.
Uh, okay. How are we feeling?
Uh, outraged, violated,
disgusted at the looseness
of my sister's neck, covered in stew,
dragged from my castle
to a dingy hospital
where I'm about to be saddled
with an enormous bill.
Well, there is no bill. It's free.
Ireland has public health care.
Oh, well, then that'll be fine.
It's free, huh?
Well, then maybe
I ought to get my neck done.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, your sister's a stitch.
Oh, yeah? Have you heard the one
about the hot Irish
doctor who has a fling
with the hilarious American tourist?
'Cause I could give you the punch line
over drinks tonight, my place.
Uh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sounds great.
- Tonight it is.
- [IRISH BROGUE]: Tonight it is.
Looks like mama's about to have
a little of the old luck of the Irish.
[LAUGHS]
- ["POT OF GOLD" BY CHRISTOPHER BEATY PLAYING]
-
DEE: You know,
I'm just so glad you're feeling better,
Dennis, I really am.
Now, a couple quick things
about the castle,
I do need you to clear
out of here for the night.
- What?
- Mm.
Dee, I haven't even begun
to do half the things
I want to do with this castle.
- Now you're asking me to leave?
- Yeah.
- [FRANK SHOUTS] - [GASPS]
- Oh, Christ!
Frankenstein in the house.
- Christ. What is this?
- What are you doing?
Just want to reconnect with my kids.
Not you so much, more Dennis.
Like, you know, father-son thing.
I mean, you know, it's one
of the strongest bonds there is.
- Come on. Give me a kiss.
- What are you doing?
- A kiss? [STAMMERS] No!
- Come on, give me a lean down, give me a kiss.
Give your daddy a kiss.
No, no! God.
Get your lips away from me, Frank.
What?
- Cut the bullshit. What's your angle?
- What are you doing here?
Charlie's got a new dad.
A-a new dad?
- Weird.
- Yeah.
I want to humiliate the jerk.
I want to send his Irish ass packing.
- He's jealous.
- Yeah.
Okay, well, listen,
I-I don't have any interest in the, uh,
interpersonal dynamics
between an old man
and his roommate/surrogate adult son,
but if we can incorporate
the castle into it in some way,
then I'm in.
- Done.
- DEE: No.
- No.
- Yes.
Goddamn it, no! You listen to me.
This trip has been absolutely
ruined because of you, okay?
And I have one chance tonight
to have a good time in Ireland,
so here is what is going to happen,
I'm going to go down to the bog,
I'm going to gather peat moss
to burn it to try and
get rid of the shit smell
that Dennis stunk up the castle with.
Do not be here when I get back.
Cool.
[CHUCKLES]
She's [CHUCKLES]
- Bent out of shape.
- Yeah.
Well just me and you, huh?
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]
It's a little odd being one on one,
though, you know.
I feel, I feel like
we usually have a buffer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
GUS: So, Mac,
when did you hear the
call to become a priest?
Oh, when God took away my Irish identity
and made me Dutch to smite me
for the urges that He gave me
when I made the original
sin of being born.
That's not the way God works, Mac.
He doesn't smite us.
Yes, He does. Yes, He does.
Remember the flood
that took out the whole world?
Remember?
Then-then-then Noah made that ark,
and he saved himself but no women,
- which was really cool.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Not sure how he made more
people after that, though.
Could've been another rib situation.
Either way,
then God made the Ark of the Covenant
where he promised to never,
ever do it again.
Then a bunch of people looked at it.
He didn't like that,
so he blasted them, too.
Remember, the Nazis
got their faces all melted off,
and the-the guy with the whip
and the hat, he was cool.
I think you've mixed that
story up with Indiana Jones.
Oh. I did?
- Yeah, but listen
- Oh.
many of the stories in
the Bible are metaphors.
Parables with lessons.
What's the lesson of the last one?
Don't look at my shit?
Look, you're looking at this all wrong.
The Bible is a guidepost.
Interpretations can change over time.
- They can?
- Yes, and so can the Church.
Our God, the God we teach here,
is a merciful God.
One that loves us for
exactly who we are.
Otherwise,
why would He have made us that way
in the first place?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Yeah. Wow.
Thanks, Gus.
SHELLEY: That's John Patrick Kelly.
Killed by the plague.
And his son William, also the plague.
And Michael Kelly.
He was attacked by the village loon,
became a loon himself.
He died from eating rocks,
which he thought were eggs.
Oof. [LAUGHS] Yeah,
I've made that mistake, yeah.
So, are all the Kellys buried here?
Uh
Honored, yes. Buried, no.
They were all thrown
from a cliff into the sea.
You see, legend has it
that only when a man is thrown
from a cliff into the sea,
may his soul be released.
- Huh.
- When I pass, I'll have the same done for me.
All Kelly men must be thrown
from a cliff into the sea.
Wow.
- That's pretty cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah. What about the women?
Oh, the women are thrown
from a cliff as well.
Mostly alive.
[STAMMERS] Just to see if they can fly,
as they're presumed to be witches.
Right. Right.
Well, we we honor their spirits.
Ah, yes, their spirits watch over us.
The men, that is.
Ah.
The women roam the land
as terrible hags and banshees
whose wailing warns of impending death.
If you ever see
a gruesome woman
covered in filth
with long, stringy hair,
who's horribly shrieking
in the night,
the end is near.
[SIGHS]
Whoa.
I mean, how am I supposed
to know what peat is?
What am I, a botanist?
Hey-o. I'll burn you.
Be like lighting a match. That works.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Oh.
Hey-o. That's my guy.
A selfie, huh? You got it.
[PHONE CAMERA CLICKS]
Oh, goddamn it.
Dennis got me all
worked up about my neck.
Here.
[PHONE CAMERA CLICKS]
I mean, that's just insane.
Maybe if I stand back a little bit.
Let's see here.
- Oh!
- [PHONE CAMERA CLICKS]
[COUGHS] Ew.
Oh, shit.
[GRUNTING]
Oh Help!
Dennis!
Um, I
This is crazy, but I think I'm stuck.
[BOG BUBBLING]
Am I sinking?
Oh, shit, I'm sinking.
Yes.
Yes.
You're right.
Huh? Who you talking to?
Hmm? Oh, uh, nothing.
It's just the-the castle.
The castle?
- Oh.
- Yeah, don't worry about it.
- Yeah, no.
- Okay, we've got it.
- What?
- It'll be a dinner.
- Hmm?
- A banquet of humiliation.
Wait a minute.
The old turd in the soup trick.
- What? No. We're not
- Turd in the soup.
We're not putting a turd in
someone's soup, Frank, okay?
Can we be a little bit more
sophisticated than that?
All right,
so you invite them to a classy dinner.
You wine and dine the man
while also pointing out
all of his character flaws,
and then you lure him over
to the castle's murder hole.
Is that like a-a glory hole?
A predecessor to the glory hole,
perhaps.
It's a discreet opening
concealed in plain sight,
except, instead of for sex,
it's used for murder.
- [LAUGHS]
- [WHOOPS]
- You didn't see that there, did you?
- No.
No. [LAUGHS] Yeah, so you'll
lure him under the hole,
where I will, uh,
douse him with boiling oil
or hot tar or really
any scalding substance.
Wait, you're gonna char the guy?
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
- Gonna char him up?
- Yeah.
I'm not gonna kill him or anything,
but it's-it's
got to be hot enough to be
annoying as shit, right?
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah. Burn him.
Uh, he's gonna get burned. But, I mean,
Charlie's got to see him lose his cool,
so we can expose him
as the child-abandoning
monster that he really is.
- Exactly.
- Oh, FYI, I'll know exactly
when to pour
the boiling substance on him because
I'm going to be hiding
in this passageway here.
I'm gonna take this painting,
cover up the passageway.
I'm gonna cut out the eyeholes
so I can see everything
that's happening.
That's something I've
always wanted to do,
and it fully takes
advantage of the castle.
It also happens to be
the castle's preference
for how this is all gonna go down.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
Wow. I wouldn't have been able
to think of this all by myself. I
I mean You know,
the sickness and anger
inside of you is diabolical.
- Way to go, son.
- Well
I suppose all of your years of neglect
and misdeeds
have allowed me to harness
the darkness inside me
and to unleash it
without conscience, so
Yeah, perhaps I owe you a
thanks for making me the man
I am today, Frank. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Yeah, y Maybe I'll just, um
- There.
- Oh.
Was that okay to do?
Yeah, it was nice.
Good.
So, you're telling me
that the whole Cain and Abel thing
didn't actually happen?
Metaphor.
This is all so confusing.
Yes, look [SIGHS]
Our faith is it's complicated.
Can I admit something?
You said you were,
you were born a certain way.
- You're different.
- Mm-hmm.
You have urges that, traditionally,
the Church has been very clear about.
Well
I have those urges, too.
- You do?
- Yes.
I, too, have an eye for the lads.
It's not uncommon.
There's nothing wrong with it.
It's who He made us.
But, uh, our path,
this path, is very clear.
We must never act on those urges.
[SIGHS] That's gonna
be really hard for me.
That's what he said.
[BOTH LAUGH]
- That's-that's really good.
- Thank you. I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.
- That's what he said.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
Shh! Shh.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Help!
Oh, God, help.
- WOMAN: Hello?
- Hello!
- Hello?
- H-Hello!
- Hello
- W-W-Waitress?
Oh my God.
What the hell are you doing out here?
What are you doing out
here with a toiletry bag?
Are you gonna brush your teeth
in a stream or something?
No. I was gonna shave my legs.
Ew. Gross.
Um, hey, can you help a girl
out and then get me of this bog?
Are you stuck in there?
Yeah.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- I know.
I also seem to be sinking.
- And, uh I know.
- Uh-oh.
And I-I-I have a date tonight
with a real hot Irish doctor.
Is he meeting you here, or?
You got me. No, no.
He's meeting me out there.
- I bet.
- So that's why I want
to get out of here.
I also don't want to die,
but, either way, could you p
just give me a big tug,
and I bet you could get me out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here.
I got you. Let me just
- [SIGHS] You're a livesa
- Grab my hand, and I'll Psych!
- [LAUGHS]
- "Psych"?
- Your face. I'm kidding. No, I got you.
- Okay.
- Psych! [LAUGHING]
- Oh
Two times.
- I will get you.
- Hey, uh, well, just quick tip
for you, nobody does "psych" anymore.
It's kind of dumb.
- Oh, do they not?
- Nah, it's not funny, it's dumb.
- I feel like it's classic. I-I got you.
- Oh, you got me.
- You got me. I got you, and you got me.
- I got you.
Okay.
It's fun. All right, here we go. Psych!
Oh, my God. Just Come on.
Knock it off.
Cut the shit. Get me out of here.
I will, I will, I will.
All you have to do is one thing.
Yes. Great. What?
Say my name.
Hmm?
Just say my name. What is it?
Oh, o kay, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- It's That's easy.
- Okay.
Just, just give me, give me a second.
GUS: Well, Mac, this is it.
The end of a typical day in my life.
It's modest, pious,
and somewhat dull,
but I can't imagine my life
any other way. [CHUCKLES]
- What do you think?
- Gus,
knowing that there's somebody here
that's exactly like me
gives me the courage
to-to want to do it, too, so tomorrow
I am going to join the seminary.
Grand! I am so happy for you.
And I must admit,
I'm happy for myself, too.
Having someone here
who knows how I feel will help keep me
- on the straight and the narrow.
- Yes.
And no matter how
strong those urges get,
and they will be strong,
we must never, ever give in to them
because we would get
kicked out of the Church.
- Good, good.
- Yes.
And we'll never,
ever leave each other alone
in the room with the wee lads.
Yes, and I also think
Wait, what?
Or the wee lasses, whatever you're into.
There's no judgment here.
And, of course, you know,
if you do slip up,
you'll go to a new parish,
they sort the family out,
have some chats,
perhaps some money changes hands,
perhaps not. No harm, no foul.
You come back, you're grand.
Uh
Yeah, I'm gay.
What are you talking about?
Oh
No. I'm gay. That's it.
I'm a gay man.
I'm a gay man who has
trouble controlling his
urges with other
gay adult men,
and that's the end of it.
[SIGHS] Goddamn it.
[KNOCKING]
Ah, welcome, welcome. Come in, come in.
- You're leaving us waiting out there forever.
- No, no, no. Come on in.
Welcome, welcome.
Shirley, let me take your coat.
Frank, his name is Shelley, okay?
You know this.
And you couldn't take his
coat if you tried, dude,
'cause it's buttoned to his pants
in traditional Irish style.
I'm not wearing a coat.
Right, he's not even
wearing a coat, man.
All right, look, we brought you this.
We made it ourselves,
- with love.
- Mm.
You made cheese together?
Uh, well, personally,
I think cheese should
be sprayed out of a can,
but to each his own.
Yeah, well, normally
I would agree with you, Frank,
but Shelley's really opened
my eyes to a whole new world.
Oh, yeah?
Well, that can be very blinding.
But I'm sure, by the end of the evening,
we'll all be seeing clear.
Let's sit down.
I don't like how you said that.
I don't like how he said that.
- Ah, yeah.
- Wow.
- Well, come on in.
- Cool.
- Wow. Okay. - Yeah.
- Very nice.
Put it right there.
Welcome. Sit down there.
- Went all out, huh?
- Shirley, you over there.
- Charlie, there.
- Here?
Welcome, and thank you all for coming.
You know, it's been a very trying time
with Charlie finding
his biological father,
who abandoned him when he was
a child, by the way.
Not judging, just the facts.
Okay, I can't really read the
tone of this dinner, you know?
It's very confusing. You're being mean,
you're being nice. What are you doing?
No, no, I-I want everybody to be happy.
In fact, in the spirit of that,
I bought everybody a gift.
So, just look under your seats,
and you'll see
a nice gift for you.
Uh, Shelley, you go first.
- Oh.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Very nice.
Swim goggles?
Yeah, they're good ones, too.
They'll protect your
eyes from any chlorine
or oils or any other hot liquid
that might come in
contact with your face.
That's, that's very kind of you,
Frank, yeah, thanks.
Yeah, Frank,
I'm not seeing a present for me.
No, no, no. [STAMMERS]
Just the one gift, just for Shelley.
Eat up. Yeah. [STAMMERS]
Eat it while it's hot. It's, uh,
it's, uh, butternut squash soup.
And for the special guest,
there's a couple meatballs in there.
DENNIS: Didn't put any goddamn
meatballs in that soup.
- Do you hear something?
- Yeah.
Oh, it's probably your
stomach grumbling from hunger.
Eat up before they get cold.
Oh, why don't I get any meatballs?
Now, just for the special guest.
Eat up, Shel.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Don't eat that.
What's in the soup, Frank?
[STAMMERS] Just butternut squash.
A simple soup.
Are the meatballs turds?
What? No, no,
they're homemade meatballs.
Shelley, eat 'em up
before they get cold.
- Go on. Go on.
- No, don't-don't-don't eat them.
- Go on, Shelley.
- Frank, you eat a meatball.
You want me to eat the meatball?
Yeah, just eat a meatball. Eat one.
All right.
Grab a meatball, scoop it out.
[MUFFLED, INDISTINCT TALKING]
[MUFFLED]: Delicious.
Now, Shelley, have, have a meatball.
CHARLIE: No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, Shelley doesn't want one yet.
- Chew it. Chew it.
- [GRUNTS]
And then swallow it.
Chew it up.
- [RETCHES]
- Oh! I knew it!
I knew it, Frank!
You're not trying to
bring us closer together,
you're trying to drive us apart!
I knew you couldn't host
a dinner without a motive.
You just can't do it.
All right, you got me. Okay?
I'm tired of you hanging out
with him the whole vacation.
I mean, all right, go ahead,
go, have your fun,
but when you get back to Philly,
I don't want to even
hear the name Shelley.
Well, I'm not coming
back to Philly, Frank!
[DENNIS GASPS]
I think there's another
man in this room.
Never mind him. What'd you say, Charlie?
I said I'm not coming back, Frank.
I want to stay here.
I'm gonna stay here,
and I'm gonna work in
my dad's shop with him,
if-if that's all right with you.
Oh, that would make me the
happiest man in the world.
Well, you do that, and don't
don't even think of coming
back because we're finished.
That's the end of it.
All right, Frank,
if that's how you feel,
we'll get out of your hair.
Come on, Dad.
I'm sorry about this.
Thanks for the goggles, Frank.
[GROANS]
Frank! What the hell was that?!
Charlie picked Shelley.
I I'm talking about
the turd soup, man.
You know, I'm starting to get caught up
in this whole father-son thing, too,
but then you put a-a turd
in your mouth. I mean, my God.
He had me up against the wall.
What was I supposed to do?
Not eat a poopy.
[GROANS] Clementine? Valentine?
Diana? Denise?
Dennis? [SPUTTERS] Dane?
Goddamn it. [WHIMPERS]
I've named every name
in the entire world.
How have I not gotten it yet?
Oh, no, no, no. You
you got it a while back. It's just
I'm really enjoying
watching you struggle.
[WHIMPERS] You drunk bitch!
[GROANS]
Okay.
I'm gonna save you.
Unlike you, I'm not a psychopath.
Oh, ugh, God. Okay.
[GRUNTING]
- Okay. Oh Oh, God.
- [SPUTTERING]
Uh-oh, uh-oh. Now I'm in it.
Hold on. No. Oh. Let go. No, let go!
- Yes, you're doing it.
- No, you're pulling me in.
- Yes.
- What are you doing?
- No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
- Thank you!
- It's working. You're doing it.
- You're pushing me under.
- You're doing it.
- Let me out.
- Oh, you are my hero.
- My legs are stuck.
- Oh, yes!
- Wait!
- Wait, wait, now I'm stuck.
- You're stuck?
I would suggest you don't move
'cause you're just
- gonna sink.
- Help me out.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna do that
'cause I got a date,
- but I'll come back.
- No, no, no.
- You can't leave me here.
- Great job!
Oh, you dirty bitch.
I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna kill you.
- I'll be back after my date.
- I'll kill you.
Thank you so much.
[WHIMPERS] Help!
I'm so sorry about Frank. I
I can't believe he
tried to feed you shit.
I'll never forgive him for that.
Ah, Charlie, it's good to forgive.
You know, a true Kelly
always puts things right
with the men in his life.
Yeah.
Not so much the women.
Thus, the curse of the banshees.
Right.
Help! Help! Help! Help!
Help!
DEE [DISTANT]: Help!
What is that?
[INDISTINCT SCREAMING]
Are you seeing that? What is that?
[INDISTINCT SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[GASPS]
What was that?
A banshee.
[BERNARD HERRMANN'S "PRELUDE"
FROM PSYCHO PLAYING]
♪