Live at The Apollo (2004) s15e07 Episode Script
Sara Pascoe, Chris McCausland, Flo and Joan
1 MUSIC: Are You Going To Be My Girl by Jet Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight Sara Pascoe! APPLAUSE Hey! Hello! Hello.
Happy Christmas.
AUDIENCE: Happy Christmas! You look amazing! THEY CHEER So, you're feeling Christmassy? AUDIENCE: Yes! Me too! I'm so excited.
I'm feeing so Christmassy this year.
I'm really looking forward to the big day because I've got a new member of my family.
I've got a lovely puppy.
THEY CHEER I know, I know.
He's so amazing and he's so beautiful.
But I have to be negative about him, otherwise this isn't comedy.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
You can't just say, "Oh, I have a really nice life "and I'm quite rich.
" LAUGHTER "And now I've got a puppy.
" You have to find negatives.
And, so, I've got two.
It's not really his fault, either of them.
The first one - and this is actually other people's fault - people have been referring to him as a fur baby.
Yes, no, it's not good, is it? AUDIENCE: Aw.
A fur baby? Eugh.
For a childless woman my age, calling him a fur baby insinuates that I'm compensating for something.
And you can't compensate with something that is better.
My puppy is so much better than all of your children.
Thank you.
THEY CHEER And all of you.
And I'll give you an example.
I'll prove it.
A couple of weekends ago, we were on our walk and you know what it's like - you're in London.
You know what London does to people.
There was a man and he had just crumbled to the floor.
He had his head in his hands and we've all been there.
We know exactly what's happened.
All of us have felt like that.
But because it's London, we just walk past.
We just walk past.
Oh, I wouldn't want to embarrass him with any empathy.
Probably only given that pit of despair for one.
Oh, I'll just whizz past.
But my puppy doesn't know the rules, and so here he ran between the man's legs, up his chest and started licking him on the face.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
And the man stared back at him and they had this beautiful communion and that's when I realised that my puppy is the baby Jesus.
Because that's exactly what Jesus would have done.
Just loved him.
I don't know if Jesus would have eaten all of the man's cigarette butts.
I don't know how often Jesus ate off the floor.
It's one of those details they've left out of the Bible because it would undermine Jesus's other great work, wouldn't it? Like, "Oh, Jesus, lovely parables "and didn't the courtyard look clean after he'd been round?" I am I'm going to talk about Jesus because it's his birthday.
I'm not trying to convince you of anything, but there are details that have been left out of the Bible.
When I was growing up, I always thought Jesus must have loved the story of his own birth.
Wouldn't he? To him, as a child, it would've been absolutely amazing.
He'd be like, "Tell me again, Mum.
Tell me again.
" And then his mum's like, "All right.
OK.
"So, well, I was asleep, and then the angel came down, "done me in the ear.
"And then I woke up, I turned to Joseph, "I said, 'I'm having a baby.
It's not yours.
' "He was all right about it.
"Then nine months later, we had to go Bethlehem, "oh, and it was chock-a-block.
"There was nowhere to stay.
"We ended up living in this stable - only got two on TripAdvisor.
"Actually, it was very nice.
"The hay was clean, there was a little donkey, "shepherds came with cute little lambkins "and then these wise men turned up with very expensive presents.
"The end.
" "Oh, tell me again, Mum.
Tell me again.
" So, the story of my birth? Slightly different.
My parents did meet in an unusual way.
My dad was in a pop band in the '70s and my mum was a fan of that band.
So she went of all of his recordings and concerts and she played a long game.
She waited until my dad wasn't in the band any more.
She was the only person still sleeping outside of his house.
My dad eventually felt sorry for her.
They had a one-night stand, got pregnant with me.
My mum told my dad she was having a baby.
He told her she had to get an abortion.
She said if he didn't marry her, she'd kill herself.
"Tell me again, Mum.
" So, the second problem with my puppy is he's interfering with my sex life, which I wasn't expecting.
He's a dog.
I thought, "He doesn't know what we're doing.
It's fine.
"You can carry on with your romantic life.
" He likes to watch.
He's absolutely fascinated, which is very off-putting.
You don't want to meet eyes with your puppy when you've got a dick in your mouth.
It's very It's very distracting.
And also, he's got incredible timings with his vocalisations.
If I am lost in the moment, I'll be I'll be like, erm SHE MOANS It's That's how I sound.
And my boyfriend, he's much more like SHE GROANS And then the puppy goes SHE WHIMPERS It's really distracting, ruins everything.
So, then he thinks, "Sarah, be an adult.
Put your dog outside the bedroom door.
"Close the door.
" It makes it worse.
He is so desperate to get back in.
He knows we're having fun and it becomes more distracting.
I tried to make it like part of a role-play.
I was like, "Oh, no, no, don't worry about it.
"That's just We're at the beach, we're at the beach.
"And that's just the waves scratching angrily at the door.
" LAUGHTER "Oh, no, and that's just the seagulls barking.
" And it became more distracting, we felt too sorry for him, so then what we started doing, the next idea - there's a hotel across the road from us and it costs £59 a night and we were popping over there for about an hour.
Cos I've got too much money and .
.
popping over there, but it was quite a lot of things to do.
It was a lot of fuss.
We left at separate times so that the dog didn't know what we were up to.
And I pretended that I was going to work.
I would, kind of, pack my bag and be like, "Ooh, back to the grindstone.
"Better earn your Pedigree Chum.
" And then when we got to the hotel, we had to, while we were in reception, kind of pretend that we were having an affair.
They can't know that we're hiding from a pet.
So I'd kind of run in, kiss my boyfriend, and go, "Ooh, where does Jill think you are?" And then when we left 60 minutes later, I'd put the collar up on my coat and go, "Tell Jill I'll see her at Zumba on Thursday.
" But then we had to stop doing that cos I started to feel too guilty about Jill.
LAUGHTER She's done nothing to deserve this, has she? And, also, quite suspicious of my boyfriend.
Well, if he does it to Jill, he'll do it to me.
We all know I think we know that, actually, Christmas presents are one of the worst parts of Christmas, aren't they? Really, truly, if you're honest with yourself, a Christmas present is just unwrapping proof that the people you love don't know you.
Do they? And you can't complain.
You have to be grateful.
I, like a lot of you, grew up in a poor family.
We've got very practical presents, things that we were definitely going to need - like school uniform.
And you think that's bad? When I was 15, sanitary towels.
I know, I know.
Please, don't feel sorry for me.
I'm very wealthy now and Very wealthy now.
But I do still get flashbacks whenever anyone refers to this time of year as the festive period.
I know, it ruins it.
It's very visual.
You kind of imagine, like, a little tampon with a tinsel string.
Or a moon cup full of advocaat.
I think that the greatest gift of all is life.
We are so incredibly lucky to be alive and that is why I got very angry with someone I went to school with the other day.
Her name's Siobhan.
She was she was on Facebook and she wrote a big status update about how she thought women who wait until they're older to have children are very selfish.
She said, "It's very selfish, women who put their careers first "instead of their children.
" And she said, "And I know this for a fact "because I had a very old mum "and I always wished that she had me sooner.
" Now, my problem, again, was with her logic, because you can't be had sooner.
It's someone else.
You're just unexisted.
You just didn't happen.
You can't have happened at any other time and the fact that any of us are here is ridiculous.
In the last 1,000 years, you have over two trillion ancestors and all of them had to survive every childhood disease, every plague and every famine, let alone the kind of, the chaos that accidentally caused your parents to meet and make you.
And you're going to throw all of that away, you ungrateful bitch, just because your mum's a bit wrinkly? I'm too sensitive about it.
It's hit a nerve, cos I'm 38 and if I do have children, I will be an old mum.
And if any of them ever dare to whinge about it, I'll be like, "Well, I only had you so the dog would have someone to play with.
" LAUGHTER And that would be true.
It would be true.
APPLAUSE Christmas is a time when we lie to children, isn't it? We say, "Oh, Father Christmas is real.
" And, "Oh, you were good this year.
" But New Year's Eve is when we lie to ourselves, isn't it? Yes.
"Oh, next year, I'll be thin and I'll have a threesome.
" Here's a fun fact for you - I am the only comedian in the entire world who's never had a threesome.
I'm the only one.
They might not talk about it.
They're all sex people.
They're All of them.
Name a single comedian.
AUDIENCE: Jimmy Carr.
Jimmy Carr had a threesome with Romesh Ranganathan and Jasper Carrott.
Any comedian, any comedian you like.
THEY SHOUT NAMES Jon Richardson.
Katherine Ryan had a threesome with Sue Perkins and Josh Widdicombe.
Every comedian.
Every comedian's had a threesome.
One from over here? THEY SHOUT INDISTINCTLY David Mitchell had a threesome with Sean Lock and Rob Brydon.
Lee Mack was annoyed.
Every Every single comedian has had a threesome apart from me, and if you've had a threesome, I'm so impressed.
I'm so impressed because it's so grown-up and sexually adventurous and I feel like I'm too insecure.
That's my problem.
Whenever an ex-boyfriend has suggested we bring a third person into the room, I'm like, "Oh, I can do all of it.
"I can do it all.
"I'll just move my arms and legs quicker.
"I'll just move around a bit.
I'll put on a different voice.
IN LOW VOICE: "'Ooh, touch my tits.
' "I'll just I can do it all.
" And my current boyfriend, we're very much in love, we're in a new relationship, it's very sexy.
We've got a puppy.
And even he, kind of, after a couple of drinks, he suggested "Oh, maybe you've got a friend who'd like to join us," and I thought, "Are me and Jill not enough for you?" Anyway, we're back to letting the dog watch.
I think you're going to enjoy the next act very much.
In fact, I ho-ho-hope you really enjoy it.
Please, will you give it up for the incredible Chris McCausland! CHEERING MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH Hello, Hammersmith Apollo! I'm so happy to be here.
I love Christmas! I love Christmas, I love celebrating Christmas so much more than birthdays.
I don't celebrate my birthday any more.
I'm 42.
I can't be bothered with that.
I didn't even have a 40th.
My mates, they took me to see Guns N' Roses live.
Or so they told me, anyway.
LAUGHTER I mean, I suppose we could have just gone to one of their houses and put the live album on loud, really, couldn't we? Charge me six quid a pint for three hours.
"Not as busy as you thought it would have been, "this Guns N' Roses concert, is it, Chris? "Not as popular as they once were, it seems.
Loads of room.
"Are you enjoying yourself?" "Yeah, no, it's sound, mate.
"Little bit weird that there's a cat, but never mind.
" Oh, mince pies.
I love mince pies.
I'm a mince pie junkie! I love the cheap ones, I love the expensive ones, I love the big ones, I love the little ones, I love shoving them in my face in one go and just rubbing them straight into my gums.
Christmas dinner - oh, my days.
I love goose fat roast potatoes cos they annoy the vegetarians.
I don't do peas.
Peas can piss off.
I can't keep them on the fork all the way from down here to up here.
APPLAUSE You give me peas on my Christmas dinner, I'll still be there at Easter chasing them round the living room.
Sprouts.
Oh, I like sprouts.
My wife, she doesn't like me having sprouts.
I'm not allowed sprouts or cocaine.
She says I'm unbearable on both.
So, who's joining the gym in the New Year? CHEERING Don't bother, it's a con.
And I'll tell you why it's a con.
Cos you go down the gym, you got all the good intentions in the world.
A new year, a new you.
You know, you choose your machine, you know, you can do the running machine if you want to try to do some running, the rowing machine if you want to try to do some rowing, the cross trainer if you want to be a Thunderbird.
It's something to bring in to your daily routine, you know? It doesn't matter, though.
You get on your machine, you do 20 minutes.
You're knackered after 20 minutes, aren't you? 100 calories, though, that's triple figures! That pushes you on for a little bit.
105 calories, 110 calories The sweat is dripping off you, but you feel fantastic.
You think, "This is worth the gym subscription alone, "this single machine.
Triple figures!" And then you go home and you realise it's not even a half a Mars bar! But then you remember that you ate a Mars bar on the way to the gym just to give you the energy to do the thing that it's taken you to lose half the thing you've had to eat to do it! You've gained half a Mars bar.
LAUGHTER All I was doing was gaining half Mars bars for 60 quid a month gym subscription, plus the cost of Mars bars.
I learnt pretty early on, though, that the running machine wasn't for me.
You know, just personally speaking, speaking from a personal perspective.
Cos I had no visual point of reference as to where about on the running machine I was, and unless I was running at precisely the right speed .
.
I would just, "phoom!" fly off the back like a crisp packet from a car window.
HE SNICKERS 2020 - it's the future, almost! I mean, nearly.
I think 2021, that's official future, that's proper future - 2021.
That's when they said we'd have all them self-driving cars out on the road.
Can't wait for my self-driving car.
LAUGHTER I can't.
I want one of them Google cars.
I bet you they're amazing.
I bet you it doesn't matter where you tell it you want to go, it just wants to take you to see sexy girls in your local area.
APPLAUSE The only problem is, though, the other major revolution that's happening at this very moment in the automobile industry - all the cars are also becoming electric, aren't they? And the one thing electric cars don't do that normal cars do do is make a bloody noise.
So, chances are I'll be run over before I get my self-driving car.
Even worse, run over by my own self-driving car.
It's going to be a disaster, this first day of ownership, innit? It's a problem.
It's going to be carnage out there.
There was a thing in the news, you might have flicked past it, a little story about Jaguar.
It said Jaguar.
They spent four years researching this problem, four years researching a fake noise to put on their electric cars so you can hear them coming.
Four years, they settled on this futuristic sound that they created.
This kind of HE IMITATES UFO Four years, they worked on that for.
Four years.
The story then said that they have subsequently had to remove the sound from their cars.
Cos what they found is out in the real world when people are hearing them coming, everyone was looking up in the air.
Four years! Four years of research and people's first reaction was, "Bloody aliens! "Run for the hills!" Why can't you just make it sound like a car? Stop trying to be clever, make it sound like a car.
Do you know what it is? It's a speaker under the bonnet that plays a sound that everyone outside the car can hear.
Just make it sound like a car.
If you can't manage that, just make it go, "Vroom!" Just make it go, "Vroom! I'm a car.
I'm a car.
"Do you know what, look, love, I am a car.
" Bigger the vehicle, deeper the voice.
IN LOW VOICE: "I'm a bus.
I'm a bus.
" IN EVEN LOWER VOICE: I'm a truck.
I'm a truck.
# I'm a garbage truck And I love to eat garbage.
It's a speaker.
If they want it to sing a song, put an MP3 on it, man.
Do what it wants! # I'm a garbage truck # And normally the collection's on a Tuesday # But it's a bank holiday I'm a garbage truck.
That's all! Cheers, guys.
Thank you very much.
Merry Christmas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bring on the mince pies! Cheers.
You all right? Chris McCausland! CHEERING CONTINUES Our next act are the angel on the Christmas tree of this evening.
Please, will you give it up for Flo & Joan! CHEERING MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin' Stevens Merry Christmas, Apollo.
Five, six, seven, eight! MUSIC PLAYS # My mama told me, "In life let it be said # "That the quiet mice lose out and the loud mouse gets ahead # "You'll be taken much more serious # "If you speak up just a bit # "Just don't come across too confident # "Or people will call you a bitch woman" # 30 years on those words rang true # Maybe I should start living like the confident do # So I lifted my head, changed my walk and raised my voice And now, you know, I'm saying things like Excuse me, the queue starts behind me.
Mother-lucker! I got a bit more confidence, confidence I reduced my crying by 20%.
We got confidence, confidence I play drums cos I have a small penis.
# People call us cocky # Some say it's misguided # But we came here for attention # Cos we are too busy # Not wearing a bra to your wedding # In a backless dress # And I'm wearing the dress the wrong way round # I'm so confident, I did my make-up on the bus # Then I do other people's make-up on the bus # I'm so confident, I wear white jeans now # When I'm on my period # Take two That's a danger zone # Said confidence, confidence, confidence, confidence! # Flo & Joan, Flo & Joan, now # Flo & Joan Derulo # I walk into the room now with the confidence # Of someone who calls their husband "Daddy" # I walk into the room now with the confidence Of someone who calls their wife "Granny" LAUGHTER DROWNS LYRICS # Do you feel like you're in safe hands? Well, you should do Cos only safe hands can SPLA Real egg.
# C - calling Cocker Spaniels Cooker Spooinals # O - only shaving above the knee # N - naming your child Hammer # Fyou # I - I don't know what I'm doing, so I do it loudly # D - da, da, da, da, shoo bop be do be do # Shoobi do whap di whap E SHE PLAYS E NOTE Smashed it.
# N - never giving up on a song that's going on too long # T - telling someone what they can and can't do with their body # S - spelling things however the hell I want # I don't follow the rules # I use the words I want # I don't call bridges "Bridges" # I call them "River headbands" # I can feel it in my eyes # I'm blasting like a power fan # I couldn't get more confident # Unless I was a middle-class cis white man # With dreadlocks # Confidence, confidence # I cry in the shower # Confidence, confidence # About how fit I am # Confidence, but just a little bit # Confidence - we're not monsters # Confidence, confidence, confidence Yeah, we got confidence! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Apollo, how are you doing? CHEERING Good! Merry Christmas.
Classic Christmas present - play it once, don't touch it again.
No.
We're Flo & Joan.
We are sisters, same parents.
Yep.
One of the questions that we get asked the most is are you really real sisters? Lots of people say, "Because you don't look the same, "are you sure you're real sisters?" So we've written them a song.
Yep.
INTRO PLAYS BOTH: Yes.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much.
Yeah.
We find that Christmas is like a big party season.
We're not a fan of Christmas parties.
I especially don't like Christmas parties because people get drunk and they think I'm an elf and they try and take me home.
LAUGHTER But we find that there's this phrase, some of you might know it, that you can get into any party that you want to get into even if you don't have an invitation, as long as you walk in with confidence.
And we find that the opposite is also true in that we've found we can leave any party that we don't want to be at if we leave with confidence and that is called pulling an Irish goodbye.
BEAT PLAYS # Going to a party Gonna have a good time # Wearing my festive sweater And drinking box wine # And then the atmosphere changes # The buffet has run dry # And I've just slagged off Jenny's shoes # And she was standing right behind me # They were ugly shoes, though, Jenny # Then who comes over? It's Wet Steve # And he's got some problems he wants to share # He's got no money, his wife has split # I'm like, "Sorry, Steve" "What's that?" Irish goodbye SHE PLAYS IRISH FLUTE # Going to a school reunion # Open the door # Steve's there - close the door Irish goodbye SHE PLAYS IRISH FLUTE # I only came to this party to get off with someone # But all your uncles are ugly # So farewell to you all # Goodnight and good day # This was a waste of my time # So I'm going to sneak to feck away # And also I remembered I'm an adult # And I can do Whatever the hell I want SHE PLAYS IRISH FLUTE TO CLUB BEA # Going to a funeral # Gonna have a mourn # For my good friend Cara # She died very suddenly so this time I'm gonna stay Cos I never got to say a real goodbye SHE PLAYS "DANNY BOY" Is that Steve? BOTH: Fuck.
Hey! AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG # The moral of the story is life is one big party # And there'll always be a Steve Irish goodbye.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much! We've been Flo & Joan! Merry Christmas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Flo & Joan! If that doesn't make you feel Christmassy, I don't know what will! I don't know about you, but I'm feeling super Christmassy now.
Thank you so much for sharing tonight with us.
You've all been cherubs and seraphims and not a Scrooge in sight.
I hope you have such a happy Christmas, a beautiful New Year.
Please, can you give it up for the acts you saw this evening - Chris McCausland and Flo & Joan! APPLAUSE I've been Sara Pascoe.
Happy Christmas! Goodbye! APPLAUSE
Happy Christmas.
AUDIENCE: Happy Christmas! You look amazing! THEY CHEER So, you're feeling Christmassy? AUDIENCE: Yes! Me too! I'm so excited.
I'm feeing so Christmassy this year.
I'm really looking forward to the big day because I've got a new member of my family.
I've got a lovely puppy.
THEY CHEER I know, I know.
He's so amazing and he's so beautiful.
But I have to be negative about him, otherwise this isn't comedy.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
You can't just say, "Oh, I have a really nice life "and I'm quite rich.
" LAUGHTER "And now I've got a puppy.
" You have to find negatives.
And, so, I've got two.
It's not really his fault, either of them.
The first one - and this is actually other people's fault - people have been referring to him as a fur baby.
Yes, no, it's not good, is it? AUDIENCE: Aw.
A fur baby? Eugh.
For a childless woman my age, calling him a fur baby insinuates that I'm compensating for something.
And you can't compensate with something that is better.
My puppy is so much better than all of your children.
Thank you.
THEY CHEER And all of you.
And I'll give you an example.
I'll prove it.
A couple of weekends ago, we were on our walk and you know what it's like - you're in London.
You know what London does to people.
There was a man and he had just crumbled to the floor.
He had his head in his hands and we've all been there.
We know exactly what's happened.
All of us have felt like that.
But because it's London, we just walk past.
We just walk past.
Oh, I wouldn't want to embarrass him with any empathy.
Probably only given that pit of despair for one.
Oh, I'll just whizz past.
But my puppy doesn't know the rules, and so here he ran between the man's legs, up his chest and started licking him on the face.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
And the man stared back at him and they had this beautiful communion and that's when I realised that my puppy is the baby Jesus.
Because that's exactly what Jesus would have done.
Just loved him.
I don't know if Jesus would have eaten all of the man's cigarette butts.
I don't know how often Jesus ate off the floor.
It's one of those details they've left out of the Bible because it would undermine Jesus's other great work, wouldn't it? Like, "Oh, Jesus, lovely parables "and didn't the courtyard look clean after he'd been round?" I am I'm going to talk about Jesus because it's his birthday.
I'm not trying to convince you of anything, but there are details that have been left out of the Bible.
When I was growing up, I always thought Jesus must have loved the story of his own birth.
Wouldn't he? To him, as a child, it would've been absolutely amazing.
He'd be like, "Tell me again, Mum.
Tell me again.
" And then his mum's like, "All right.
OK.
"So, well, I was asleep, and then the angel came down, "done me in the ear.
"And then I woke up, I turned to Joseph, "I said, 'I'm having a baby.
It's not yours.
' "He was all right about it.
"Then nine months later, we had to go Bethlehem, "oh, and it was chock-a-block.
"There was nowhere to stay.
"We ended up living in this stable - only got two on TripAdvisor.
"Actually, it was very nice.
"The hay was clean, there was a little donkey, "shepherds came with cute little lambkins "and then these wise men turned up with very expensive presents.
"The end.
" "Oh, tell me again, Mum.
Tell me again.
" So, the story of my birth? Slightly different.
My parents did meet in an unusual way.
My dad was in a pop band in the '70s and my mum was a fan of that band.
So she went of all of his recordings and concerts and she played a long game.
She waited until my dad wasn't in the band any more.
She was the only person still sleeping outside of his house.
My dad eventually felt sorry for her.
They had a one-night stand, got pregnant with me.
My mum told my dad she was having a baby.
He told her she had to get an abortion.
She said if he didn't marry her, she'd kill herself.
"Tell me again, Mum.
" So, the second problem with my puppy is he's interfering with my sex life, which I wasn't expecting.
He's a dog.
I thought, "He doesn't know what we're doing.
It's fine.
"You can carry on with your romantic life.
" He likes to watch.
He's absolutely fascinated, which is very off-putting.
You don't want to meet eyes with your puppy when you've got a dick in your mouth.
It's very It's very distracting.
And also, he's got incredible timings with his vocalisations.
If I am lost in the moment, I'll be I'll be like, erm SHE MOANS It's That's how I sound.
And my boyfriend, he's much more like SHE GROANS And then the puppy goes SHE WHIMPERS It's really distracting, ruins everything.
So, then he thinks, "Sarah, be an adult.
Put your dog outside the bedroom door.
"Close the door.
" It makes it worse.
He is so desperate to get back in.
He knows we're having fun and it becomes more distracting.
I tried to make it like part of a role-play.
I was like, "Oh, no, no, don't worry about it.
"That's just We're at the beach, we're at the beach.
"And that's just the waves scratching angrily at the door.
" LAUGHTER "Oh, no, and that's just the seagulls barking.
" And it became more distracting, we felt too sorry for him, so then what we started doing, the next idea - there's a hotel across the road from us and it costs £59 a night and we were popping over there for about an hour.
Cos I've got too much money and .
.
popping over there, but it was quite a lot of things to do.
It was a lot of fuss.
We left at separate times so that the dog didn't know what we were up to.
And I pretended that I was going to work.
I would, kind of, pack my bag and be like, "Ooh, back to the grindstone.
"Better earn your Pedigree Chum.
" And then when we got to the hotel, we had to, while we were in reception, kind of pretend that we were having an affair.
They can't know that we're hiding from a pet.
So I'd kind of run in, kiss my boyfriend, and go, "Ooh, where does Jill think you are?" And then when we left 60 minutes later, I'd put the collar up on my coat and go, "Tell Jill I'll see her at Zumba on Thursday.
" But then we had to stop doing that cos I started to feel too guilty about Jill.
LAUGHTER She's done nothing to deserve this, has she? And, also, quite suspicious of my boyfriend.
Well, if he does it to Jill, he'll do it to me.
We all know I think we know that, actually, Christmas presents are one of the worst parts of Christmas, aren't they? Really, truly, if you're honest with yourself, a Christmas present is just unwrapping proof that the people you love don't know you.
Do they? And you can't complain.
You have to be grateful.
I, like a lot of you, grew up in a poor family.
We've got very practical presents, things that we were definitely going to need - like school uniform.
And you think that's bad? When I was 15, sanitary towels.
I know, I know.
Please, don't feel sorry for me.
I'm very wealthy now and Very wealthy now.
But I do still get flashbacks whenever anyone refers to this time of year as the festive period.
I know, it ruins it.
It's very visual.
You kind of imagine, like, a little tampon with a tinsel string.
Or a moon cup full of advocaat.
I think that the greatest gift of all is life.
We are so incredibly lucky to be alive and that is why I got very angry with someone I went to school with the other day.
Her name's Siobhan.
She was she was on Facebook and she wrote a big status update about how she thought women who wait until they're older to have children are very selfish.
She said, "It's very selfish, women who put their careers first "instead of their children.
" And she said, "And I know this for a fact "because I had a very old mum "and I always wished that she had me sooner.
" Now, my problem, again, was with her logic, because you can't be had sooner.
It's someone else.
You're just unexisted.
You just didn't happen.
You can't have happened at any other time and the fact that any of us are here is ridiculous.
In the last 1,000 years, you have over two trillion ancestors and all of them had to survive every childhood disease, every plague and every famine, let alone the kind of, the chaos that accidentally caused your parents to meet and make you.
And you're going to throw all of that away, you ungrateful bitch, just because your mum's a bit wrinkly? I'm too sensitive about it.
It's hit a nerve, cos I'm 38 and if I do have children, I will be an old mum.
And if any of them ever dare to whinge about it, I'll be like, "Well, I only had you so the dog would have someone to play with.
" LAUGHTER And that would be true.
It would be true.
APPLAUSE Christmas is a time when we lie to children, isn't it? We say, "Oh, Father Christmas is real.
" And, "Oh, you were good this year.
" But New Year's Eve is when we lie to ourselves, isn't it? Yes.
"Oh, next year, I'll be thin and I'll have a threesome.
" Here's a fun fact for you - I am the only comedian in the entire world who's never had a threesome.
I'm the only one.
They might not talk about it.
They're all sex people.
They're All of them.
Name a single comedian.
AUDIENCE: Jimmy Carr.
Jimmy Carr had a threesome with Romesh Ranganathan and Jasper Carrott.
Any comedian, any comedian you like.
THEY SHOUT NAMES Jon Richardson.
Katherine Ryan had a threesome with Sue Perkins and Josh Widdicombe.
Every comedian.
Every comedian's had a threesome.
One from over here? THEY SHOUT INDISTINCTLY David Mitchell had a threesome with Sean Lock and Rob Brydon.
Lee Mack was annoyed.
Every Every single comedian has had a threesome apart from me, and if you've had a threesome, I'm so impressed.
I'm so impressed because it's so grown-up and sexually adventurous and I feel like I'm too insecure.
That's my problem.
Whenever an ex-boyfriend has suggested we bring a third person into the room, I'm like, "Oh, I can do all of it.
"I can do it all.
"I'll just move my arms and legs quicker.
"I'll just move around a bit.
I'll put on a different voice.
IN LOW VOICE: "'Ooh, touch my tits.
' "I'll just I can do it all.
" And my current boyfriend, we're very much in love, we're in a new relationship, it's very sexy.
We've got a puppy.
And even he, kind of, after a couple of drinks, he suggested "Oh, maybe you've got a friend who'd like to join us," and I thought, "Are me and Jill not enough for you?" Anyway, we're back to letting the dog watch.
I think you're going to enjoy the next act very much.
In fact, I ho-ho-hope you really enjoy it.
Please, will you give it up for the incredible Chris McCausland! CHEERING MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH Hello, Hammersmith Apollo! I'm so happy to be here.
I love Christmas! I love Christmas, I love celebrating Christmas so much more than birthdays.
I don't celebrate my birthday any more.
I'm 42.
I can't be bothered with that.
I didn't even have a 40th.
My mates, they took me to see Guns N' Roses live.
Or so they told me, anyway.
LAUGHTER I mean, I suppose we could have just gone to one of their houses and put the live album on loud, really, couldn't we? Charge me six quid a pint for three hours.
"Not as busy as you thought it would have been, "this Guns N' Roses concert, is it, Chris? "Not as popular as they once were, it seems.
Loads of room.
"Are you enjoying yourself?" "Yeah, no, it's sound, mate.
"Little bit weird that there's a cat, but never mind.
" Oh, mince pies.
I love mince pies.
I'm a mince pie junkie! I love the cheap ones, I love the expensive ones, I love the big ones, I love the little ones, I love shoving them in my face in one go and just rubbing them straight into my gums.
Christmas dinner - oh, my days.
I love goose fat roast potatoes cos they annoy the vegetarians.
I don't do peas.
Peas can piss off.
I can't keep them on the fork all the way from down here to up here.
APPLAUSE You give me peas on my Christmas dinner, I'll still be there at Easter chasing them round the living room.
Sprouts.
Oh, I like sprouts.
My wife, she doesn't like me having sprouts.
I'm not allowed sprouts or cocaine.
She says I'm unbearable on both.
So, who's joining the gym in the New Year? CHEERING Don't bother, it's a con.
And I'll tell you why it's a con.
Cos you go down the gym, you got all the good intentions in the world.
A new year, a new you.
You know, you choose your machine, you know, you can do the running machine if you want to try to do some running, the rowing machine if you want to try to do some rowing, the cross trainer if you want to be a Thunderbird.
It's something to bring in to your daily routine, you know? It doesn't matter, though.
You get on your machine, you do 20 minutes.
You're knackered after 20 minutes, aren't you? 100 calories, though, that's triple figures! That pushes you on for a little bit.
105 calories, 110 calories The sweat is dripping off you, but you feel fantastic.
You think, "This is worth the gym subscription alone, "this single machine.
Triple figures!" And then you go home and you realise it's not even a half a Mars bar! But then you remember that you ate a Mars bar on the way to the gym just to give you the energy to do the thing that it's taken you to lose half the thing you've had to eat to do it! You've gained half a Mars bar.
LAUGHTER All I was doing was gaining half Mars bars for 60 quid a month gym subscription, plus the cost of Mars bars.
I learnt pretty early on, though, that the running machine wasn't for me.
You know, just personally speaking, speaking from a personal perspective.
Cos I had no visual point of reference as to where about on the running machine I was, and unless I was running at precisely the right speed .
.
I would just, "phoom!" fly off the back like a crisp packet from a car window.
HE SNICKERS 2020 - it's the future, almost! I mean, nearly.
I think 2021, that's official future, that's proper future - 2021.
That's when they said we'd have all them self-driving cars out on the road.
Can't wait for my self-driving car.
LAUGHTER I can't.
I want one of them Google cars.
I bet you they're amazing.
I bet you it doesn't matter where you tell it you want to go, it just wants to take you to see sexy girls in your local area.
APPLAUSE The only problem is, though, the other major revolution that's happening at this very moment in the automobile industry - all the cars are also becoming electric, aren't they? And the one thing electric cars don't do that normal cars do do is make a bloody noise.
So, chances are I'll be run over before I get my self-driving car.
Even worse, run over by my own self-driving car.
It's going to be a disaster, this first day of ownership, innit? It's a problem.
It's going to be carnage out there.
There was a thing in the news, you might have flicked past it, a little story about Jaguar.
It said Jaguar.
They spent four years researching this problem, four years researching a fake noise to put on their electric cars so you can hear them coming.
Four years, they settled on this futuristic sound that they created.
This kind of HE IMITATES UFO Four years, they worked on that for.
Four years.
The story then said that they have subsequently had to remove the sound from their cars.
Cos what they found is out in the real world when people are hearing them coming, everyone was looking up in the air.
Four years! Four years of research and people's first reaction was, "Bloody aliens! "Run for the hills!" Why can't you just make it sound like a car? Stop trying to be clever, make it sound like a car.
Do you know what it is? It's a speaker under the bonnet that plays a sound that everyone outside the car can hear.
Just make it sound like a car.
If you can't manage that, just make it go, "Vroom!" Just make it go, "Vroom! I'm a car.
I'm a car.
"Do you know what, look, love, I am a car.
" Bigger the vehicle, deeper the voice.
IN LOW VOICE: "I'm a bus.
I'm a bus.
" IN EVEN LOWER VOICE: I'm a truck.
I'm a truck.
# I'm a garbage truck And I love to eat garbage.
It's a speaker.
If they want it to sing a song, put an MP3 on it, man.
Do what it wants! # I'm a garbage truck # And normally the collection's on a Tuesday # But it's a bank holiday I'm a garbage truck.
That's all! Cheers, guys.
Thank you very much.
Merry Christmas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Bring on the mince pies! Cheers.
You all right? Chris McCausland! CHEERING CONTINUES Our next act are the angel on the Christmas tree of this evening.
Please, will you give it up for Flo & Joan! CHEERING MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin' Stevens Merry Christmas, Apollo.
Five, six, seven, eight! MUSIC PLAYS # My mama told me, "In life let it be said # "That the quiet mice lose out and the loud mouse gets ahead # "You'll be taken much more serious # "If you speak up just a bit # "Just don't come across too confident # "Or people will call you a bitch woman" # 30 years on those words rang true # Maybe I should start living like the confident do # So I lifted my head, changed my walk and raised my voice And now, you know, I'm saying things like Excuse me, the queue starts behind me.
Mother-lucker! I got a bit more confidence, confidence I reduced my crying by 20%.
We got confidence, confidence I play drums cos I have a small penis.
# People call us cocky # Some say it's misguided # But we came here for attention # Cos we are too busy # Not wearing a bra to your wedding # In a backless dress # And I'm wearing the dress the wrong way round # I'm so confident, I did my make-up on the bus # Then I do other people's make-up on the bus # I'm so confident, I wear white jeans now # When I'm on my period # Take two That's a danger zone # Said confidence, confidence, confidence, confidence! # Flo & Joan, Flo & Joan, now # Flo & Joan Derulo # I walk into the room now with the confidence # Of someone who calls their husband "Daddy" # I walk into the room now with the confidence Of someone who calls their wife "Granny" LAUGHTER DROWNS LYRICS # Do you feel like you're in safe hands? Well, you should do Cos only safe hands can SPLA Real egg.
# C - calling Cocker Spaniels Cooker Spooinals # O - only shaving above the knee # N - naming your child Hammer # Fyou # I - I don't know what I'm doing, so I do it loudly # D - da, da, da, da, shoo bop be do be do # Shoobi do whap di whap E SHE PLAYS E NOTE Smashed it.
# N - never giving up on a song that's going on too long # T - telling someone what they can and can't do with their body # S - spelling things however the hell I want # I don't follow the rules # I use the words I want # I don't call bridges "Bridges" # I call them "River headbands" # I can feel it in my eyes # I'm blasting like a power fan # I couldn't get more confident # Unless I was a middle-class cis white man # With dreadlocks # Confidence, confidence # I cry in the shower # Confidence, confidence # About how fit I am # Confidence, but just a little bit # Confidence - we're not monsters # Confidence, confidence, confidence Yeah, we got confidence! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Apollo, how are you doing? CHEERING Good! Merry Christmas.
Classic Christmas present - play it once, don't touch it again.
No.
We're Flo & Joan.
We are sisters, same parents.
Yep.
One of the questions that we get asked the most is are you really real sisters? Lots of people say, "Because you don't look the same, "are you sure you're real sisters?" So we've written them a song.
Yep.
INTRO PLAYS BOTH: Yes.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much.
Yeah.
We find that Christmas is like a big party season.
We're not a fan of Christmas parties.
I especially don't like Christmas parties because people get drunk and they think I'm an elf and they try and take me home.
LAUGHTER But we find that there's this phrase, some of you might know it, that you can get into any party that you want to get into even if you don't have an invitation, as long as you walk in with confidence.
And we find that the opposite is also true in that we've found we can leave any party that we don't want to be at if we leave with confidence and that is called pulling an Irish goodbye.
BEAT PLAYS # Going to a party Gonna have a good time # Wearing my festive sweater And drinking box wine # And then the atmosphere changes # The buffet has run dry # And I've just slagged off Jenny's shoes # And she was standing right behind me # They were ugly shoes, though, Jenny # Then who comes over? It's Wet Steve # And he's got some problems he wants to share # He's got no money, his wife has split # I'm like, "Sorry, Steve" "What's that?" Irish goodbye SHE PLAYS IRISH FLUTE # Going to a school reunion # Open the door # Steve's there - close the door Irish goodbye SHE PLAYS IRISH FLUTE # I only came to this party to get off with someone # But all your uncles are ugly # So farewell to you all # Goodnight and good day # This was a waste of my time # So I'm going to sneak to feck away # And also I remembered I'm an adult # And I can do Whatever the hell I want SHE PLAYS IRISH FLUTE TO CLUB BEA # Going to a funeral # Gonna have a mourn # For my good friend Cara # She died very suddenly so this time I'm gonna stay Cos I never got to say a real goodbye SHE PLAYS "DANNY BOY" Is that Steve? BOTH: Fuck.
Hey! AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG # The moral of the story is life is one big party # And there'll always be a Steve Irish goodbye.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much! We've been Flo & Joan! Merry Christmas! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Flo & Joan! If that doesn't make you feel Christmassy, I don't know what will! I don't know about you, but I'm feeling super Christmassy now.
Thank you so much for sharing tonight with us.
You've all been cherubs and seraphims and not a Scrooge in sight.
I hope you have such a happy Christmas, a beautiful New Year.
Please, can you give it up for the acts you saw this evening - Chris McCausland and Flo & Joan! APPLAUSE I've been Sara Pascoe.
Happy Christmas! Goodbye! APPLAUSE