Celebrity Juice (2008) s15e08 Episode Script

1 Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and these are my not-new titles.
Well, if it ain't broken There's Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
She's still got dem bangers, boy! Whoo-hoo! There's Fearne Cotton, who's back after having another baby.
She is a wonder of modern science.
And there's Gino "Sheffield" d'Acampo with his tiny willy, just like in real life.
We are all here in heaven, but don't worry.
We're not dead, it's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best show on telly.
What's that show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on't telly.
Not 4K ready.
What's 4K? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah! Yeah, boy! Yeah, boy! Yeah, boy! Ow! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WOLF WHISTLING) Hi! Who's on your team? On my right, it's the very gorgeous Georgia May Foote.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my left, he's a bit blonde and gorgeous.
It's Joey Essex! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WHISTLING) I don't know what we're doing.
It's G-signs, innit? G-signs? Point for your team.
What comes after G in the alphabet? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.
Point for your team.
(CHEERING) OK, let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (WOLF WHISTLING) You look like a big denim baby today.
Fearne, who is on your I've got one moody Italian bugger, Gino d'Acampo! AUDIENCE Gino, Gino, Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! That's enough.
And on my right, Britpop legend Alex James.
Alex has bought some kudos, not only to the team but to the show.
Without a doubt.
What has he bought? Kudos.
font col Gino, what you think you bring to the show? Me? Filth.
Pure filth.
I guess we get to learn about you and your sexual exploits with your missus.
Yeah.
What's going down? Well Anything new? We are into vegetables at the moment.
Vegetables?! I think those toys, vibrators and things, they are overrated.
Try a fresh vegetable.
Get yourself a nice aubergine and get We are not at the aubergine stage yet.
We just went from carrots to zucchini because the aubergine, she said, that's going to hurt.
Well, on that note, let's talk to Joey Essex from Essex.
It's Joey Essex.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You've got new hair.
Yeah, blonde.
Well, I think it's platinum blonde I went for.
Were people taking you too seriously as a brunette? Yeah.
The idea was to try and disguise myself and try to be someone different.
I am going away.
As a blonde, are you having more fun? I feel like I've become a bit more intelligent.
Just like, I think people take me a bit more serious.
In, like, both worlds.
Fashion industry and cleverness.
/fon (APPLAUSE) I fuckin' love you.
I'm being serious.
It ain't that different, cos you had blonde hair when you were a kid, didn't you? Yeah.
Yeah, we've got a picture of you.
It was fashion.
/f Were you are naughty kid? We was called The Strange Gang.
We was really strange.
We just used to do weird things like make weird noises.
(STRANGLED GASP) Things like that.
There was about seven of us.
We used to make ourselves go red in class.
Go like We used to duplicate him doing it.
We'd go (STRANGLED) "I don't wanna do that!" Say, like, "What are you doing? What are you up to?" To say "What are you doing", they went (HOARSE HONKING)? Is it true that you said that Bieber copied his hair from you? Well, look, I had it first, for one.
Yeah.
Another thing I thought about the other week, how long have I been saying, "What are you saying?" for? You have been saying it since time.
Since time, yeah.
What you mean? What do you mean? What are you saying? I think he is trying to do a bit of a twist on it.
Wait a mi When he says, "What do you mean?" he is copying off you saying, "What are you saying"? Well, yeah.
Down camera one.
Give him a message.
Joey, down camera one.
Bieber.
Bieber, Bieber, Bieber.
All I am saying is, right, every time I do something, you seem to, like, follow it up font color="#00ffff" A bit of time over, do you know what I'm saying? What are you saying? What do you mean? Blonde hair, blonde hair.
What's going on? font color="#00fff Joey, are you a real person? I think I am real, yeah.
Hey, it's not Georgia May Arm, it's Georgia May Foote! (APPLAUSE AND WOLF WHISTLING) I have not used this phrase for I can't remember how many series, but you look bang tidy! Aww! I get embarrassed.
You look good.
Firstly, congratulations on Strictly.
Aw, thanks.
You did really well.
Right to the final.
There you are.
Cheers.
Is it true that you have moved in with Giovanni? Yes.
There you are.
Let's have an applause.
Lovely couple.
(APPLAUSE) Is it true you have been wearing a ring? Yeah.
But it's not an engagement ring.
You are wearing it on your engagement finger! Because I said this.
This is an argument we had.
Can we show the cam Camera five, show camera five your engagement ring.
It's not an engagement ring! Show camera five your engagement ring.
In Italy, he says that when you get a girlfriend, a serious girlfriend, you get a ring.
They don't really do the engagement thing.
They just get a ring and it's like a nice commitment.
Like Well Kind of, yeah.
Yes, big round of applause for their engagement! No! Giovanni and Georgia! No! Cut that in.
Cut that in.
Do you speak Italian, then? A little bit.
Poco Italiano! Pork and Italiano? Do you know any romantic phrases? Erm Te amo tanto.
What? OK, yes.
Gino's take on romantic is very debatable, though, isn't it? I will give you a good phrase.
Give Georgia something romantic.
Not dirty.
Something romantic.
OK.
This is simple, right? (SPEAKS ITALIAN) (THEY SPEAK ITALIAN) What have I just said though? I want to lick your bollocks.
It is Alex James! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) It is very nice to see you.
It is good to see.
Since then, you have had a number one album and been on a massive tour.
There you are.
Smoking and playing guitar, how dangerous! It was lovely getting back together again.
Playing the old songs.
font color="#ffff was it like compared to back in the day when Fearne was part of Britpop? It was exactly the same.
Were you doing crazy shit i Or did you go, "I'm off to bed cos I want to watch I'm a Celebrity"? You couldn't get tellies out of hotel windows in those days cos they wouldn't open.
They don't open wide, to stop people jumping font color But now, flat screens, you can get 'em ou.
Joey, since the last time you were on Celebrity Juice, we've come up with a fantastic game which we think is perfect for you.
Do you know what it is called? I don't have a clue.
It is called Five Second Fool.
Hi.
Joey Essex, Welcome to 5 Second Fool.
Are You Ready? I am always ready.
Give me three things you point at.
Sheep, cows, frogs.
Three things you can tug.
Tug?! Rope, willy, cow's foot.
If I wanted to tug a cows foot I could pull it.
I am smashing this game up, mate.
Three things you can wipe.
Bum, noonie, forehead.
I didn't want to say pussy.
It sounds dirty.
Next up it's Georgia May Foote.
Welcome to 5 Second Fool.
Three things you give your partner.
Perfume, blow jobs and My dad's gonna shout at me again! Last time you got me doing rude things.
Perfume and blow job Three things you say to your dad.
Hiya.
How are you doing? If you are not from up north that means how are you.
Three things you can swallow.
(LAUGHS) There are loads of things you can swallow.
Three nicknames for your boobs.
Tits, chebs and bangers.
Next up it is Gino D'Acampo.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Why do you have to do that? Shut up, I am spinning round! Three things you can do in under a minute.
I can eat a banana, lick ice cream and I can lick boobies.
(APPLAUSE) Three things that turn you on.
Holly, Fearne and you in those fucking dungarees.
Three things that look like vaginas.
A fig, a sun-dried tomato and an out of date apple.
From where the stalk comes.
I never thought that.
fo wrinkle it is like an old vagina.
I am looking at you because you are in the front row.
I am sorry.
You are in my eye line.
Well done, Gino D'Acampo.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-a-a-ating.
Ad break now.
I am off for a wee, I will see you in three.
Coming up after t'break Joey, in there! Go in there! Supermarket, yeah.
Yes, go in there.
There'll be loads of European things Is that from a Europe country? (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hurrah! (CHEERING) Alex, how's cheesemaking going? Cheesemaking is very good.
You still making cheese? Yeah, I've sort of moved on to melted cheese now.
Melted ch You know, the crack form of cheese.
(LAUGHTER) It is like the super-addictive I think I've worked out how to make a cheese sausage.
Alex, have you ever spoken about cheese so much it sent someone to sleep? (LAUGHTER) You know, I do (LAUGHTER) Well, on the subject of food, it's time to play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hi, I'm here with Joey Essex.
I'm starting with you, Joey, because apparently you are the face of a dried soup commercial.
Yes.
We are going to give you a variety of dried soups and I want you to tell me what the flavour is.
What is your flava? Tell me what is your flava? Yeah? Is it multiple-choice? No.
(LAUGHTER) OK.
Just put that down.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on.
For the people at home, this is what the flavour is.
What's your flava Tell me, what's your flava? (LAUGHTER) There is meant to be a spoon here.
There is no spoon.
I tell you what, just lick it like a dog.
You have got to lick it.
(LAUGHTER) Actually, I found a spoon.
Oh, so you made me lick that shit.
I can't do the whole thing.
It has got loads of calories in it.
(LAUGHTER) Come on, you fat bastard.
(LAUGHTER) Right, what's your flavour? Potato Wait, wait.
It tastes a bit Mediterraneany (LAUGHTER) Leek and potato Leek and potato.
Don't say I have got that wrong.
A Mediterranean soup, leek and potato.
(LAUGHTER) Leek and potato.
(NEGATIVE BUZZER) It's not leek and potato.
What is it? It was cream of chicken.
That's it.
(LAUGHTER) That is a bit leek and potatoey, ain't it? (LAUGHTER)/font No points for your team.
Sit down.
That is a liberty.
What? Sit down, it's only a game show.
A bit of fun on a Thursday night.
This is serious to me.
Leave then.
No, I want to stay on.
/ Alex, you're next.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Alex James, everyone.
For the people at home, this is what it is.
# What's your flava Tell me what's your flava? It's got to be leek and potato, man.
(LAUGHTER) Don't sniff it.
It's not the old days.
(LAUGHTER) I think there's some cheese in there, ain't there? You can spot the cheese straightaway, you cheese-meister.
(LAUGHTER) Sour cream and onion? Sour cream and onion.
Gino, what do you think this is? Don't ask me to try Gino, come on.
(LAUGHTER) Gino, Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! (CHEERING) I tell you what I'll do, I'll give you super double points if you can tell me what it is.
Simply for the fact that I'm not going to ask you to taste it via your mouth.
I'm going to ask you to snort it.
(LAUGHTER) How? With your nose.
That's going to give me some kind of brain damage.
(LAUGHTE A man died today from an overdose of soup.
(LAUGHTER) Snort, snort, snort it.
AUDIENCE: Snort it, snort it, snort it! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Some kind of chive.
(LAUGHTER) Something with cheese, something with chive.
Mediterranean.
(LAUGHTER) Cheese and chive? Yeah.
Was it cheese and chive? (NEGATIVE BUZZER) No.
Was it broccoli and stilton? Have a ta Holly.
Holly, Holly, Holly! AUDIENCE: Holly, Holly, Holly! I think Go for a lick.
I think font color="#fff (CHEERING) Is it broccoli and stilton? (DING) A point for your team.
I finally found something I'm really good at.
(LAUGHTER) The scores at the end of that round aresha-a-a-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So, what project are you working on at the moment, Joey? I am filming Educating Joey Essex.
Doing the EU referendum.
Yeah, I don't really get it.
All I know is that, are we in or are we out? It is 50/50.
To be honest, I don't have a clue.
(LAUGHTER) It is serious It's like do we move out of the country? Do we move out of the world? (LAUGHTER) What we're going to do is put your knowledge to the test.
Give you the chance to win some points for your team.
As we play Joey, we are going to give you a lot of time to go out into the epicentre of Europe, that would be Borehamwood high street.
Where? (LAUGHTER) We are going to send you there live, right now.
We want you to bring back some European things from different countries.
I've got to walk around the streets? On my own? You're going to the shops.
For every one you bring back you get a point.
What I am going to do, because I care about you, I am going to give you a high vision vest.
There is a wallet there to buy some European items with £50 in.
There is money in there, don't lose it.
Here is your travelling backpack.
(LAUGHTER) Every time you find a European item, you press this.
It is a game, it is a challenge.
I am up for it.
I am definitely up for it.
I just don't get it.
(LAUGHTER) I am more concerned that he has a backpack and some sort of detonator.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Just make sure it works.
Press the button.
(SIREN) Every time you press that when you find a European item, that will go off and we will go live to you on Borehamwood high street.
Ready? Yeah.
Off you go.
(APPLAUSE) You don't have a lot of time.
(APPLAUSE) Joey, you look reem.
I know.
Yes, out of the exit.
There he goes.
He is out.
OK, whilst Joey is out and about on Borehamwood high street, we are going to play a quick game of I'm going to give you some phrases from such things as the Urban Dictionary.
I want you to tell me what those phrases actually mean.
The first phrase I'm going to give you is Hot Carl.
Write it down on your cards.
What does Hot Carl mean according to the likes of the Urban Dictionary? Hot Carl.
Right, Hot Carl.
Holly's team? Hot Carl, What have you got written down? Well, it's not very good.
I don't think it's right.
But we went Hot Carl for Carlsberg, font color="#fff Fearne's team, what have you got? After much consideration, we have gone for a hot stinger of a turd.
(LAUGHTER) I can reveal that according to the youth sites of today, Hot Carl is the act of putting clingfilm over your face and taking a dump on it.
(LAUGHTER) I guess that is a point for Fearne's team.
They were the closest.
(SIREN) Hold on, he is pressing his button.
Where are you? Right, I've found a fish and chip shop.
Go and buy something then.
(LAUGHTER) Hi, guys.
Right, is fish and chips British? Yes.
Is fish and chips Bri (LAUGHTER) Can I have a Lucozade? (LAUGHTER) OK.
What about chips? Fish and chips.
But are they British? Sweet, sweet, definitely.
They are reem, definitely.
Cheers, thank you.
Sweet, done it, done it.
Done deal, there you go.
How to buy fish and chips.
Done deal.
(LAUGHTER) Joey, more stuff.
In there.
Go in there! Go in there.
Yeah.
Yes, go in there.
There will be European things.
OK, we will go back to Joey.
Let's continue.
The next one is Road Bone.
But what does it mean, according to the likes of the Urban Dictionary and the youth of today? (COUNTDOWN THEME) Have you written it down? Fearne's team.
Road Bone.
This is one that Gino has actually experienced.
And it's a car vibration-induced boner.
You are in the car, it is vibrating.
Whoop.
Don't tell me you've never had one, Fearne? Love it.
Holly's team? What have you got? We are going for a sneaky trick here.
Road Bone.
Replacing of the gear stick with your nob.
(LAUGHTER) (SIREN He is pressing his button.
Right, is that from From a Europe country? Coconut oil? Yeah? Brilliant.
(LAUGHTER) Fantastic.
Joey, where are coconuts from? Have you got any cough medicine? (LAUGHTER) Cough medicine? Strepsils? Strepsils, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Strepsils.
He is going to get a Kinder Surprise.
I want one of them little things.
Yeah, look.
(LAUGHTER) All I haven't even got spare money for this.
Do you know what I am going to give you though? There you go.
font color="#ffffff" I've got to go.
I am on a time restraint.
(LAUGHTER) Right, OK, we'll go back to Joey.
Let's continue.
I can tell you Road Bone is the surprise of an unwanted erection during a ride in a car, truck or aeroplane.
(APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! (SIREN) Here we go.
Joey, where are you? KFC.
KFC.
(LAUGHTER) European chicken, innit? (LAUGHTER) Yes, yes, yes.
What are yo-o-o-u saying? (LAUGHTER) Can I have Popcorn c Of course I will have a large, you know what I am like.
Also, can I have France is in Europe, innit? Can I have some French fries? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) OK, let's continue.
Oven Mitt.
Oven Mitt.
Oven Mitt.
Oven Mitt.
(COUNTDOWN THEME) Yep, we have got something.
Fearne, what have you got? Again it is from Gino's repertoire.
Wanking with an oven mitt whilst cooking.
(LAUGHTER) Putting whole hand up lady's vag.
(LAUGHTER) Like a mitt.
Who would have thought that two girls could sit here and come up with this?! I tell you that Oven Mitt means wrapping your hand in an excessive amount of toilet paper to wipe your bum.
(SIREN) Joey Essex is back.
Joey Essex is back.
What are you getting from there? Hopefully some European chicken or beef or lamb.
Or something weird.
(LAUGHTER) What about some chicken shish? How much money have you got left, Joey? How many kebabs can I buy with this? How much have you got there? We don't take euros, sorry.
You can change that into Englis (LAUGHTER) Four? Say, do you know who I am?! Do you know who I am? I do.
Do you? How? What happened? (LAUGHTER) I just called him a waster and left the shop.
You called him a waster? (LAUGHTER) Just come back before you get stabbed.
(LAUGHTER) The scores at the end of that round are Sh-a-a-a-ting! (CHEERING) Going to an ad break now, hopefully Joey Essex will come back from Borehamwood high street, won't be stabbed and he'll have some chicken shish kebab.
See you in three.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Coming up after t'break (LAUGHTER) Hold on.
Is that it there? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
(CHEERING) Joey is back.
(INDIANA JONES THEME) I couldn't get the kebabs, so I found this Turkish guy/fon Say "I am on Celebrity Juice, I can't believe my luck.
"/ (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Thank you.
Thanks for that, bruv.
Loads of European stuff, obviously.
I have got fish and chips.
I have got some tampons.
I thought that was quite a cool thing.
I got some polish, because it is Poland, ain't it? What is that? That is cauliflower and this is cabbage.
Have you tried a cauliflower that comes complete with cabbage? Jerk, jerk.
Jerk, jerk.
Produce of Jamaica.
Jamaica? Is that a European country? Pate with salmonfor cats.
That is a lot of work, you did really well, I am going to give you two points.
(APPLAUSE) Alex, you like cheese.
You used to love getting wasted back in t'day.
We all like getting wasted and we all like cheese.
So let's play Here I am with Alex James from Blur.
We are in a private members' place.
Is this like it was back in the day? I am going to catapult cheese at you, all you have to do is identify the cheese.
For every one that you correctly identify you get a point.
You will be wearing these booze goggles, so it will be hard to catch them.
I will go over to the camera here.
This will be the POV that Alex will have.
Have you tried these? They are weird.
It is supposed to give you the illusion that you are drunk.
Give us a kiss.
Here's what the first cheese is.
Say, "Cheese.
" (LAUGHTER) What is it? Is that feta? (APPLAUSE) Here is the next one.
Ready? Say, "Cheese.
" Cheese.
(LAUGHTER) It is like Britain's Got Talent but I have got no skills.
Is it Port Salut? Correct.
(APPLAUSE) They normally keep the good stuff in France and send us the salty rubbish.
Are you ready? Say, "Cheese.
" Cheese.
Grated cheddar.
Correct.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) No, I don't like the sound of this.
(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER) Cottage cheese.
Yes! (APPLAUSE) Alex James, everyone.
(CHEERING) That is the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Cheesy balls.
It is Fearne's team.
(CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! I am Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I'll see through t'window.
Let's dance! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) # BLUR: Woo Hoo