Celebrity Juice (2008) s15e10 Episode Script
Jimmy Carr, Ayda Field, Rickie Haywood Williams, Melvin Odoom
1 Hi.
I'm Keith Lemon.
These are my not-new titles.
Well, if it ain't broke! Here is Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
She's still got them bangers! Whoo-hoo! There's Fearne Cotton, who's back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of modern science.
There's Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo with a tiny willy, just like in real life.
We are all here in heaven but don't worry, we're not dead, it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best show on telly.
What's that show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not 4K ready.
What's 4K? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah! Yes! Hello! Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holly.
Yes.
It is warm in here tonight, isn't it? It's rea I'm gonna get my tits out as well.
(CHEERING) Thanks That's a homage to the Mitchell brothers, because they have returned to EastEnders.
That was exactly my thought.
Holly, who is on your team? Well, on my right, I love it when he's on the show.
It's the one and only Jimmy Carr.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my left, she's an actress, a Loose Woman, and a very gorgeous lady.
It's Ayda Field! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Perfect team.
Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, it's Gino, Gino! AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino, Gino, Gino! And on my right, we have award-winning TV and radio presenters Rickie and Melvin! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
I've got a field and I had it.
I Ayda Field! It's Ayda Field! You're on Loose Women? I am a Loose Woman.
I am very loose.
How is that going? I do a lot of talking.
Not much listening.
Who was the one that you find it difficult to get on with? Is it Janet Street-Porter? She is terrible.
I always call her Margaret.
She looks like a Margaret, doesn't she? A Margaret?! You should call her Margaret.
She loves that.
/ (IMPERSONATES JANET STREET-PORTER) 'I come on here All right, all right!' She doesn't like body contact, does she? font color="#00ff You can't kiss or hug her.
I hug her.
I hug her and fucking feel her up.
Ayda, you have been married to Robbie Williams for six years now.
(APPLAUSE) There you are.
How did you meet? We met on a blind date, actually.
In Los Angeles.
Yes? It was before his second stint in rehab, so it got a little messy towards the end.
Did you have any idea who he was when you first met him? No, I did not know who he was.
No idea at all? Never heard of Take That? Never heard of Take That.
Some bloke just turned up from Stoke? Yes.
You must have been gutted.
A heavily tattooed man from Stoke turned up.
"This must be the minicab driver, where is my date? This is unacceptable.
" I did say that to him when I met him I said that was unacceptable.
I asked where Gary Barlow was.
A quick Google.
"Hang on" A quick Google, and I was lik Actually, I will date you.
" You have said that Robbie is like a 15-year-old boy at heart.
Yes.
Does that mean that he spends most of his time on Xbox and masturbating? Pretty much.
Pretty much.
What do you mean by that, he is like a 15-year-old boy? Well, he has just never done a lot of things that, like, adult humans do.
Yes, because he was very young when he started in Take That, wasn't he? Exactly.
So he just doesn't know how to drive.
He can't dr He can't drive.
No.
Can he swim? Yes, he can.
font If you can't swim, then you are a (BLEEP).
Know what I mean? Can't swim?! Jimmy, you can swim, can't you? I can, but I am also a (BLEEP).
Rickie and Melvin in the hizzouse! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What up? You are award-winning on Kiss breakfast show.
10 years.
Respect, 10 years! Thank you.
Have you got any tips for Fearne if she wants to get her career back on radio? Fearne is a pro.
If we are half as good as her, we will be all right.
Yeah, but she hasn't got a job.
She got sacked because she was drunk.
I didn't get sacked! I left on a high.
How high were you?/ You have had some amazing guests on your show.
You have had Ed Sheeran on.
He is probably a more famous ginger than me.
There is Pharrell.
He looks a bit embarrassed to be with you.
He has kept his hat and shades on.
Lovely guy, Pharrell.
The nicest guy you will ever meet.
Is it horrible when somebody you admire and they are an absolute twat when you meet them? Yeah.
Kanye.
Kanye? Was he a twat? He is an absolute genius, his music is phenomenal, but he is a dick.
He is a proper dick.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What did he do? What did he do to you? The first time I ever met him, I was actually working at BBC Radio 1 Xtra.
I thought you were going to say B&Q.
"Get me, I'm coming for a fucking padlock, motherfucker.
" Kanye walks in and just throws his coat at me and it lands on my face like this.
Oh, my god! Dick.
He was like, "Sorry, man!" And then just walked into the studio.
I was like, "Dick.
" Have you met Kanye? Yes, he was a (BLE (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You have got a new show on Saturday night called Bang On The Money.
What is the message? It is a game show where two teams go head-to-head.
No, that's Oh, right.
The message is Come on the show and you can wi That is the logistics.
OK.
What is the message? Go to bed with an itchy bum, wake up with a smelly finger.
(APPLAUSE) Clever.
(GASPS RHYTHMICALLY) It's Jimmy Carr! (APPLAUSE) Is it busy back in America? I am not even vaguely cracking America, but I have been travelling around, doing gigs everywhere.
You have been doing talk shows in America.
I did The Tonight Show.
It was fun.
I saw a billboard with your face.
font c I saw the billboard.
In America.
He has got his own Netflix special.
Huge.
Go on, Jimmy! (APPLAUSE) First British comedian to have that.
It came out in March, but it comes out in 198 countries in the world on one day.
It is just everywhere.
At once.
I have been everywhere, promoting it and doing the tour.
I just did gigs in Germany.
A long time since somebody with this hair has been allowed t Actually, Jimmy, Gino has got a bit of a bone to pick with you.
Come on, let's hear it.
The tweet that he did.
He did a tweet.
I saw that.
What I meant was, sometimes I want to kill you.
I didn't mean like, I really like Italian food and I could go for some right now.
I meant sometimes you on TV, it is a bit much.
You are great on this show, but sometimes when it is just yo That is what I meant.
I want to be clear.
When you are travelling all over the world doing your tours, how do they react to your (BRAYS)? I don't think they mind.
I am a little bit disappointed, instead of being hung like a donkey, I laugh like one.
Well, because of your laugh, we have come up with a game.
On this card, we have a selection of animals.
What I am going to do is tell you some Christmas cracker jokes.
I want you to laugh in the style of that animal.
I'm sorry.
Am I in primary school? I have trained for this.
Don't show the team.
So we have got to guess? We have got to get the animals? You have got to get the animals.
That is the first.
What is green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
(CACKLES) (BLEATS) I mean What animal was that? Like a goat? In one! Goat! Was it? Yes.
I don't know how she got that.
What do you give a man with terrible wind? A kite.
(LAUGHS) (MOOS SLOWLY) That is just you in slo-mo.
Slo-mo Jimmy Carr.
Yes, we are going to say cow.
100% cow.
(APPLAUSE) How do I give myself a 12-inch penis? Fold it in half.
(LAUGHTER) (QUACKS) Give it more.
Give it more effort.
Something.
Quack.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Jimmy Carr, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, that was a fun game, wasn't it? You know, you have the most amazing people come on the show.
Your games are shit.
(LAUGHTER) Well, tell you what, all this series he's been moaning like a bitch.
Go back to This Morning, make fucking dough balls, then.
(LAUGHTER) Last week, we said if you think you can come up with a better game, then you come up with a game.
So he's come up with a game FEARNE: I'm dreading this.
.
.
and we're gonna play it now.
Let's do your stupid fucking game.
GINO: Yes! (APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Have you had this checked out by health and safety? No, seriously, I play with my wife, nothing to worry about.
You can try it at home.
(LAUGHTER) Absolutely fine.
And this is what we're playing.
(APPLAUSE) And welcome to Gino's Fingering Game.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Hey, wait, why are you dressed like a leprechaun? It's the Italian flag.
You are staring down the wrong camera.
What do you mean, I'm staring down the wrong camera? Wrong Which one? Straight ahead.
Hello, and welcome to Gino's Fingering Game.
Let me introduce you to my first guest.
Holly Willoughby.
(APPLAUSE) La Donna e Mobile Well done.
Don't you worry about it, as I say Nothing to worry about? .
.
this is a game that everybody can do.
Very little prop is required, but before we start, I'm going to introduce my assistants.
Please.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I would like to introduce my fingering chair, which is over here.
Sit on my face.
(APPLAUSE) Now, this is a very easy game.
What I want you to do - you're gonna have to finger an object and guess what it is.
I've got a very clever idea.
This is a very innovate idea Very what? Very what? (LAUGHTER) I'm gonna make everybody blinded, so then you can guess it.
You mean blindfold her? Yes.
He's not going to blind her? (LAUGHTER) Please introduce the objects.
La Donna e Mobile (APPLAUSE) HOLLY: Oh, God.
See, we should have a little bit more totty on the show.
OK.
Oh, my God.
No, don't.
(LAUGHTER) This is No, I don't want to do it.
Put your finger in number one.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Was it once alive? I don't want to touch anything that It's not alive.
But was it once alive? Absolutely maybe.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! You have been disqualified.
Go back.
(KLAXON) What the fuck was that? It was a cat's arsehole.
You have been disqualified.
My next contestant is Rickie.
(APPLAUSE) You are going to be all right.
How easy is the game, though? It is very easy.
It's a great game, right? (CHEERING)/font I am going to blindfold you.
Very good.
Oh, no.
Leave it, Jimmy, please.
Oh, what is that?! What is it?! FEARNE: Oh, no! What is font color="# It's business time.
Oh, no! Both of your hands here.
/font One final guess.
Do you want to smell it? Go on.
Let me smel Oh, God.
Oh, no! What do you think? font color="#f Take the blindfold up.
It is lamb testicles.
No! fon Our next guest Really? Ayda! (APPLAUSE) Go on, Ayds! You can do this.
It is fine.
I would love to do Sit on my face.
Please.
You know the score of the game? That is it.
Put your finger out, and don't worry.
Don't worry, everything will be OK.
This is a good one.
Wha Oh, right, OK.
What the heck is that? Nice and easy.
Are you ready? Yes.
I want to do this.
/font (SCREAMS) It's very wet! (CHEERING) There is quite a bit of suction on it.
Egg? Yeah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the star prize of tonight The star prize tonight is a washing machine.
And a tumble dryer, combined.
Thank you.
(CHEERING AND APPLA My next contestant is Jimmy Carr.
Oh, right.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Finally.
Finally, we have a genius in charge.
I am just going to sit on your face.
Sit on my face.
Oh, it's interactive! May I blind you? Please do.
You might have to work on the phrasing there.
I am going two in the pink, one in the stink.
Ooh! Ho-ho-ho.
Very nice.
Oh, Jesus.
That sounds good.
Is th What the hell? Good? Not good? I think I have got it already.
What do you t I am pretty sure that is Holly.
It feels like a squid or something.
Almost rubbery.
No, no, no.
This is easier.
Stay there.
OK.
I wouldn't say I am fully erect, but I've got a semi, definitely.
You are very close.
Is it some kind of cock? No, but you are in the right area.
A leg, a foot? What is it? font color="#00ffff" Is it a foot? It's a foot-stroke-vagina.
What the fuck is that? You know, foot, vagina.
font You can keep it.
You can keep it.
Jimmy Carr, everybody.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of this round Fingering! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm gonna go for some cannelloni.
I'll see you in three minutes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Oh, God.
Look at his belly button.
It's like Gino's cock.
(APPLAUSE) Oh! We're back on television.
Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It's getting close to festival season.
It's summer.
Summer is coming.
Have you heard of Boreham Woodstock? Fearne, you go to festivals, don't you? I've not heard of that, no.
Maybe it's too young and cool for you.
It's probably a bit cool, I'm a bit past it these days.
It's a really cool festival.
The problem is it is so local that the toilets are just outside the studio.
We thought it would be great to use it as a game.
Let's play (APPLAUSE) Jimmy, are you there? Yeah, yeah, I'm here.
Jimmy, for your challenge, what you've got to do is a one-man gig in a toilet.
One person at a time.
One person at a time? A point for each person you do.
How do you mean 'do'? (LAUGHTER) What have I got to do? You make 'em laugh, you get a point.
It's got to be the smallest gig you've ever done.
Oh, hello! I've done smaller gigs than this in the early years.
One at a time.
You've got to make 'em laugh.
Like you've won a prize.
You've won Jimmy Carr for an eveningbut it's in a portaloothat smells of shit.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, fine (!) Right, get in there! I'm in.
I'm in.
Great.
Perfect.
OK.
You! Get in! (SIREN) How's your career going? You're dressed as a pigeon in a portaloo.
Fuckin' reeks.
(LAUGHS) Well done! Right.
Fine.
(APPLAUSE) Next one.
I'm looking at you, I can see two disappointed parents.
(LAUGHTER) Your face! (LAUGHS) He's adorable.
I like him.
Next! Oh.
(LAUGHTER) It's like a foreign movie! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Honestly, I really misread the situation.
I thought Cos I was looking at your erect penis and I thought I just read the vibe.
Next one.
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) I'm never eating carbs again.
Oh, God.
Look at his belly button! It's the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen.
(LAUGHTER) It's like Gino's cock.
Oh, God, make it stop.
(LAUGHS) I'm gonna be sick! I'm gonna be sick! Well done, Jimmy! Next one.
Konichiwa? (LAUGHTER) Erhello, how are you? I mean, I don't know Good luck with I don't know a lot about your culture but that thing with Godzilla was a nightmare, wasn't it? Why would you do that? AUDIENCE: Urgh! You freaky little fucker! I don't like it.
What is this? What are we even doing? It smells weird.
(KLAXON) That's it.
Jimmy Carr, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! I tell you what, because it is the beginning of summer, let's all head down to the beach to play Welcome, wha'gwan, breadbin? Come on down to my beach party.
Right now.
OK, so, what's going to happen You can see we've got Jimmy Carr here.
He's got some sound cancelling headphones on.
Sound cancelling headphones, all right.
Can you hear me?/fo I can't hear you.
Do this.
Are you talking about looking like Mick Hucknall? What you have got to do in this game, Jimmy, is guess what sick beat I have dropped.
You get me, boy? And what beat I have dropped, that they are dancing to.
Via the power of dance, they are going to tell you what the song is, hopefully.
You will get a point for your team for every one you guess correctly.
OK, cool.
This is the first beat.
Hear me, now.
# JUSTIN BIEBER: Sorry Boyz II Men.
OK, let's do it this way.
What is it, Jimmy Carr? Look at the poontang.
They are translating.
Is it a Chris Brown song? (KLAXON) It was Justin Bieber, Sorry.
But you hit her? Here is a sick beat you will recognise.
# JERMAINE STEWART: We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off Oh! No! Oh, you.
Is it a strip thing? Wicked! See that 16-year-old boy at home and you wanna recognise We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off.
You got that.
(APPLAUSE) OK, one more beat.
# SIR MIX-A-LOT: Baby Got Back Bootylicious? Yeah, boy.
Shake Your Booty? Big Butts.
I Like Big Butts.
Yes! (KLAXON) Jimmy Carr in the hizzouse! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, we've got Fearne Cotton.
Can you hear me? Can you hear me? She can't hear me.
You know what you are doing? Let's drop a sick beat.
Yeah, boy! # RICKY MARTIN: She Bangs Oh, Melvin! This is like a terrible boy band audition.
No grinding, Melvin! No grinding.
I don't know what this is.
OK.
Ricky Martin.
Yes! What is that song called? Ricky Martin I cannot remember his back catalogue.
Bang Something.
Bang, Bang Something or other.
Bang Bang (KLAXON) I have to speak to the adjudicator, boy.
The full title is She Bangs.
She Bangs! You didn't get it.
Here is the next one.
# RIHANNA: Work.
Right, OK OK.
Oh, right, OK.
Brokeback Mountain? Erwow.
Whoa! You are just dancing.
Rihanna? Rihanna.
Umbrella? No? Digging.
Digging Digging and tired? Hello.
Work? She said it! Work.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, work! Here is the next one.
# BOYZ II MEN: I'll Make Love To You.
No! Oh, my God.
Gino Right, yes.
Sex On A Chair? Come on! What do you mean, come on?! What the fuck is this? (KLAXON) What do you think it was? What do you think Rickie was doing? Being a small person? What is a small person? And then he was doing what? Then he was growing.
fon Boyz II Men.
Oh, come on! That is impossible.
How the fuck am I meant to get that? It is no wonder you got sacked.
You don't know what a tune is.
You don't know no tunes.
This just proves that I am shit at charades because of these guys.
(KLAXON) Hear me now! That's the end of that round, you get me? The scores at the end of that round are, recognise! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We are going for a little break.
We will see you in "tree".
Coming up after the break.
Wait, wait, wait.
This is the prize you won.
Remember I told you in my game? Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It is the final round.
(OPERA MUSIC) Wait, wait.
This is the prize that you won.
Remember I told you during my game? It is so beautiful.
It's even prettier in person.
A tumble dryer combo.
7 kg.
It is perfect.
Thank you so much.
Grazie.
Gino D'Acampo, dream maker.
I give a prize for my game, not you.
You never give any prize.
You never do anything.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Like my momma used to make.
OK, it's all to play for in this final round - it's the buzzer round! (CHEERING) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, buzz in anyway, and guess.
Here is the first question.
What is Jimmy thinking about here? (BUZZER) Holly's team! So the Queen is there, Peter Kay is there, I think I'm wondering, why is Peter Kay showing the Queen his dick? Down here I've got, you're thinking about killing the Queen.
I love the Queen.
What are you thinking about there? I was thinking, I've got to buy stamps.
(LAUGHTER) Complete the following tweet from Robbie Williams: When you tell the wife you are going 'blank blank' again.
(BUZZER) Holly's team! Going metal detecting again.
That is correct.
What does he do with a metal detector? He is hoping to find some sort of Roman ruin, but so far it has been mostly nails.
And he has found a pipe.
It is all very exciting (!) He likes UFO hunting.
Yes, he does.
I don't know whether he is hoping to find a UFO under the ground, but Your mum likes UFO hunting, doesn't she? My mum loves UFOs.
She is obsessed.
That is her opening line to any stranger.
"Do you like UFOs Really? We should get them together.
They would have the best chat.
We went to a UFO conference once.
My mum would love this.
Are you sure it was a UFO conference, and not an airport? (LAUGHTER) What are these festival-goers about to do? (BUZZER) Holly's team! Are they lining up to get in a portaloo with Jimmy Carr? (LAUGHTER) Close.
Hang on.
Get a drink at my face.
Get a drink out of your face.
Let's have a look.
That is correct.
(APPLAUSE) Is this your own sideline? No, that's where I live.
I did some weird thing years ago and they made a big papier-mache head of me, and they sold it to a company that put a bar in it, so occasionally I will get a tweet from somebody going, "I'm on the M6, stuck behind your head.
" (LAUGHTER) What birthday gift did George Clooney receive from his wife? (BUZZER) I'm Italian and I'm a wanker! (LAUGHTER) I think it was a lawnmower.
That is correct.
(APPLAUSE) What did Kelly Brook lose this week? (BUZZER) Holly's team! Her virginity.
And it was magical.
(LAUGHTER) I really enjoyed myself.
Well, we all did.
She went to Cannes.
Did she lose her luggage? (BUZZER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
That's the end of this series.
I can tell you that the winning team is Ricky and Melvin! Have you enjoyed yourselves? (LAUGHTER) That is evil.
We have had a great time.
You've lost! It was Holly's team.
(CHEERING) The winning team gets a cake.
This is an actual cake.
There is your prize.
OK, put it down.
How do we get into you? Shall we just? Yeah, get the head off.
It's chocolate.
Where did you get the chocolate bit from?/ (LAUGHTER) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I will see you next series.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # ROBBIE WILLIAMS: Let Me Entertain You
I'm Keith Lemon.
These are my not-new titles.
Well, if it ain't broke! Here is Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
She's still got them bangers! Whoo-hoo! There's Fearne Cotton, who's back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of modern science.
There's Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo with a tiny willy, just like in real life.
We are all here in heaven but don't worry, we're not dead, it's just an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best show on telly.
What's that show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not 4K ready.
What's 4K? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah! Yes! Hello! Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Holly.
Yes.
It is warm in here tonight, isn't it? It's rea I'm gonna get my tits out as well.
(CHEERING) Thanks That's a homage to the Mitchell brothers, because they have returned to EastEnders.
That was exactly my thought.
Holly, who is on your team? Well, on my right, I love it when he's on the show.
It's the one and only Jimmy Carr.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my left, she's an actress, a Loose Woman, and a very gorgeous lady.
It's Ayda Field! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Perfect team.
Let's meet our other team captain.
It's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, it's Gino, Gino! AUDIENCE CHANTS: Gino, Gino, Gino! And on my right, we have award-winning TV and radio presenters Rickie and Melvin! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
I've got a field and I had it.
I Ayda Field! It's Ayda Field! You're on Loose Women? I am a Loose Woman.
I am very loose.
How is that going? I do a lot of talking.
Not much listening.
Who was the one that you find it difficult to get on with? Is it Janet Street-Porter? She is terrible.
I always call her Margaret.
She looks like a Margaret, doesn't she? A Margaret?! You should call her Margaret.
She loves that.
/ (IMPERSONATES JANET STREET-PORTER) 'I come on here All right, all right!' She doesn't like body contact, does she? font color="#00ff You can't kiss or hug her.
I hug her.
I hug her and fucking feel her up.
Ayda, you have been married to Robbie Williams for six years now.
(APPLAUSE) There you are.
How did you meet? We met on a blind date, actually.
In Los Angeles.
Yes? It was before his second stint in rehab, so it got a little messy towards the end.
Did you have any idea who he was when you first met him? No, I did not know who he was.
No idea at all? Never heard of Take That? Never heard of Take That.
Some bloke just turned up from Stoke? Yes.
You must have been gutted.
A heavily tattooed man from Stoke turned up.
"This must be the minicab driver, where is my date? This is unacceptable.
" I did say that to him when I met him I said that was unacceptable.
I asked where Gary Barlow was.
A quick Google.
"Hang on" A quick Google, and I was lik Actually, I will date you.
" You have said that Robbie is like a 15-year-old boy at heart.
Yes.
Does that mean that he spends most of his time on Xbox and masturbating? Pretty much.
Pretty much.
What do you mean by that, he is like a 15-year-old boy? Well, he has just never done a lot of things that, like, adult humans do.
Yes, because he was very young when he started in Take That, wasn't he? Exactly.
So he just doesn't know how to drive.
He can't dr He can't drive.
No.
Can he swim? Yes, he can.
font If you can't swim, then you are a (BLEEP).
Know what I mean? Can't swim?! Jimmy, you can swim, can't you? I can, but I am also a (BLEEP).
Rickie and Melvin in the hizzouse! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What up? You are award-winning on Kiss breakfast show.
10 years.
Respect, 10 years! Thank you.
Have you got any tips for Fearne if she wants to get her career back on radio? Fearne is a pro.
If we are half as good as her, we will be all right.
Yeah, but she hasn't got a job.
She got sacked because she was drunk.
I didn't get sacked! I left on a high.
How high were you?/ You have had some amazing guests on your show.
You have had Ed Sheeran on.
He is probably a more famous ginger than me.
There is Pharrell.
He looks a bit embarrassed to be with you.
He has kept his hat and shades on.
Lovely guy, Pharrell.
The nicest guy you will ever meet.
Is it horrible when somebody you admire and they are an absolute twat when you meet them? Yeah.
Kanye.
Kanye? Was he a twat? He is an absolute genius, his music is phenomenal, but he is a dick.
He is a proper dick.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What did he do? What did he do to you? The first time I ever met him, I was actually working at BBC Radio 1 Xtra.
I thought you were going to say B&Q.
"Get me, I'm coming for a fucking padlock, motherfucker.
" Kanye walks in and just throws his coat at me and it lands on my face like this.
Oh, my god! Dick.
He was like, "Sorry, man!" And then just walked into the studio.
I was like, "Dick.
" Have you met Kanye? Yes, he was a (BLE (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You have got a new show on Saturday night called Bang On The Money.
What is the message? It is a game show where two teams go head-to-head.
No, that's Oh, right.
The message is Come on the show and you can wi That is the logistics.
OK.
What is the message? Go to bed with an itchy bum, wake up with a smelly finger.
(APPLAUSE) Clever.
(GASPS RHYTHMICALLY) It's Jimmy Carr! (APPLAUSE) Is it busy back in America? I am not even vaguely cracking America, but I have been travelling around, doing gigs everywhere.
You have been doing talk shows in America.
I did The Tonight Show.
It was fun.
I saw a billboard with your face.
font c I saw the billboard.
In America.
He has got his own Netflix special.
Huge.
Go on, Jimmy! (APPLAUSE) First British comedian to have that.
It came out in March, but it comes out in 198 countries in the world on one day.
It is just everywhere.
At once.
I have been everywhere, promoting it and doing the tour.
I just did gigs in Germany.
A long time since somebody with this hair has been allowed t Actually, Jimmy, Gino has got a bit of a bone to pick with you.
Come on, let's hear it.
The tweet that he did.
He did a tweet.
I saw that.
What I meant was, sometimes I want to kill you.
I didn't mean like, I really like Italian food and I could go for some right now.
I meant sometimes you on TV, it is a bit much.
You are great on this show, but sometimes when it is just yo That is what I meant.
I want to be clear.
When you are travelling all over the world doing your tours, how do they react to your (BRAYS)? I don't think they mind.
I am a little bit disappointed, instead of being hung like a donkey, I laugh like one.
Well, because of your laugh, we have come up with a game.
On this card, we have a selection of animals.
What I am going to do is tell you some Christmas cracker jokes.
I want you to laugh in the style of that animal.
I'm sorry.
Am I in primary school? I have trained for this.
Don't show the team.
So we have got to guess? We have got to get the animals? You have got to get the animals.
That is the first.
What is green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
(CACKLES) (BLEATS) I mean What animal was that? Like a goat? In one! Goat! Was it? Yes.
I don't know how she got that.
What do you give a man with terrible wind? A kite.
(LAUGHS) (MOOS SLOWLY) That is just you in slo-mo.
Slo-mo Jimmy Carr.
Yes, we are going to say cow.
100% cow.
(APPLAUSE) How do I give myself a 12-inch penis? Fold it in half.
(LAUGHTER) (QUACKS) Give it more.
Give it more effort.
Something.
Quack.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Jimmy Carr, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino, that was a fun game, wasn't it? You know, you have the most amazing people come on the show.
Your games are shit.
(LAUGHTER) Well, tell you what, all this series he's been moaning like a bitch.
Go back to This Morning, make fucking dough balls, then.
(LAUGHTER) Last week, we said if you think you can come up with a better game, then you come up with a game.
So he's come up with a game FEARNE: I'm dreading this.
.
.
and we're gonna play it now.
Let's do your stupid fucking game.
GINO: Yes! (APPLAUSE) AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Have you had this checked out by health and safety? No, seriously, I play with my wife, nothing to worry about.
You can try it at home.
(LAUGHTER) Absolutely fine.
And this is what we're playing.
(APPLAUSE) And welcome to Gino's Fingering Game.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Hey, wait, why are you dressed like a leprechaun? It's the Italian flag.
You are staring down the wrong camera.
What do you mean, I'm staring down the wrong camera? Wrong Which one? Straight ahead.
Hello, and welcome to Gino's Fingering Game.
Let me introduce you to my first guest.
Holly Willoughby.
(APPLAUSE) La Donna e Mobile Well done.
Don't you worry about it, as I say Nothing to worry about? .
.
this is a game that everybody can do.
Very little prop is required, but before we start, I'm going to introduce my assistants.
Please.
(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I would like to introduce my fingering chair, which is over here.
Sit on my face.
(APPLAUSE) Now, this is a very easy game.
What I want you to do - you're gonna have to finger an object and guess what it is.
I've got a very clever idea.
This is a very innovate idea Very what? Very what? (LAUGHTER) I'm gonna make everybody blinded, so then you can guess it.
You mean blindfold her? Yes.
He's not going to blind her? (LAUGHTER) Please introduce the objects.
La Donna e Mobile (APPLAUSE) HOLLY: Oh, God.
See, we should have a little bit more totty on the show.
OK.
Oh, my God.
No, don't.
(LAUGHTER) This is No, I don't want to do it.
Put your finger in number one.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Was it once alive? I don't want to touch anything that It's not alive.
But was it once alive? Absolutely maybe.
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! You have been disqualified.
Go back.
(KLAXON) What the fuck was that? It was a cat's arsehole.
You have been disqualified.
My next contestant is Rickie.
(APPLAUSE) You are going to be all right.
How easy is the game, though? It is very easy.
It's a great game, right? (CHEERING)/font I am going to blindfold you.
Very good.
Oh, no.
Leave it, Jimmy, please.
Oh, what is that?! What is it?! FEARNE: Oh, no! What is font color="# It's business time.
Oh, no! Both of your hands here.
/font One final guess.
Do you want to smell it? Go on.
Let me smel Oh, God.
Oh, no! What do you think? font color="#f Take the blindfold up.
It is lamb testicles.
No! fon Our next guest Really? Ayda! (APPLAUSE) Go on, Ayds! You can do this.
It is fine.
I would love to do Sit on my face.
Please.
You know the score of the game? That is it.
Put your finger out, and don't worry.
Don't worry, everything will be OK.
This is a good one.
Wha Oh, right, OK.
What the heck is that? Nice and easy.
Are you ready? Yes.
I want to do this.
/font (SCREAMS) It's very wet! (CHEERING) There is quite a bit of suction on it.
Egg? Yeah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the star prize of tonight The star prize tonight is a washing machine.
And a tumble dryer, combined.
Thank you.
(CHEERING AND APPLA My next contestant is Jimmy Carr.
Oh, right.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Finally.
Finally, we have a genius in charge.
I am just going to sit on your face.
Sit on my face.
Oh, it's interactive! May I blind you? Please do.
You might have to work on the phrasing there.
I am going two in the pink, one in the stink.
Ooh! Ho-ho-ho.
Very nice.
Oh, Jesus.
That sounds good.
Is th What the hell? Good? Not good? I think I have got it already.
What do you t I am pretty sure that is Holly.
It feels like a squid or something.
Almost rubbery.
No, no, no.
This is easier.
Stay there.
OK.
I wouldn't say I am fully erect, but I've got a semi, definitely.
You are very close.
Is it some kind of cock? No, but you are in the right area.
A leg, a foot? What is it? font color="#00ffff" Is it a foot? It's a foot-stroke-vagina.
What the fuck is that? You know, foot, vagina.
font You can keep it.
You can keep it.
Jimmy Carr, everybody.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of this round Fingering! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm gonna go for some cannelloni.
I'll see you in three minutes.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Oh, God.
Look at his belly button.
It's like Gino's cock.
(APPLAUSE) Oh! We're back on television.
Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It's getting close to festival season.
It's summer.
Summer is coming.
Have you heard of Boreham Woodstock? Fearne, you go to festivals, don't you? I've not heard of that, no.
Maybe it's too young and cool for you.
It's probably a bit cool, I'm a bit past it these days.
It's a really cool festival.
The problem is it is so local that the toilets are just outside the studio.
We thought it would be great to use it as a game.
Let's play (APPLAUSE) Jimmy, are you there? Yeah, yeah, I'm here.
Jimmy, for your challenge, what you've got to do is a one-man gig in a toilet.
One person at a time.
One person at a time? A point for each person you do.
How do you mean 'do'? (LAUGHTER) What have I got to do? You make 'em laugh, you get a point.
It's got to be the smallest gig you've ever done.
Oh, hello! I've done smaller gigs than this in the early years.
One at a time.
You've got to make 'em laugh.
Like you've won a prize.
You've won Jimmy Carr for an eveningbut it's in a portaloothat smells of shit.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, fine (!) Right, get in there! I'm in.
I'm in.
Great.
Perfect.
OK.
You! Get in! (SIREN) How's your career going? You're dressed as a pigeon in a portaloo.
Fuckin' reeks.
(LAUGHS) Well done! Right.
Fine.
(APPLAUSE) Next one.
I'm looking at you, I can see two disappointed parents.
(LAUGHTER) Your face! (LAUGHS) He's adorable.
I like him.
Next! Oh.
(LAUGHTER) It's like a foreign movie! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Honestly, I really misread the situation.
I thought Cos I was looking at your erect penis and I thought I just read the vibe.
Next one.
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) I'm never eating carbs again.
Oh, God.
Look at his belly button! It's the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen.
(LAUGHTER) It's like Gino's cock.
Oh, God, make it stop.
(LAUGHS) I'm gonna be sick! I'm gonna be sick! Well done, Jimmy! Next one.
Konichiwa? (LAUGHTER) Erhello, how are you? I mean, I don't know Good luck with I don't know a lot about your culture but that thing with Godzilla was a nightmare, wasn't it? Why would you do that? AUDIENCE: Urgh! You freaky little fucker! I don't like it.
What is this? What are we even doing? It smells weird.
(KLAXON) That's it.
Jimmy Carr, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! I tell you what, because it is the beginning of summer, let's all head down to the beach to play Welcome, wha'gwan, breadbin? Come on down to my beach party.
Right now.
OK, so, what's going to happen You can see we've got Jimmy Carr here.
He's got some sound cancelling headphones on.
Sound cancelling headphones, all right.
Can you hear me?/fo I can't hear you.
Do this.
Are you talking about looking like Mick Hucknall? What you have got to do in this game, Jimmy, is guess what sick beat I have dropped.
You get me, boy? And what beat I have dropped, that they are dancing to.
Via the power of dance, they are going to tell you what the song is, hopefully.
You will get a point for your team for every one you guess correctly.
OK, cool.
This is the first beat.
Hear me, now.
# JUSTIN BIEBER: Sorry Boyz II Men.
OK, let's do it this way.
What is it, Jimmy Carr? Look at the poontang.
They are translating.
Is it a Chris Brown song? (KLAXON) It was Justin Bieber, Sorry.
But you hit her? Here is a sick beat you will recognise.
# JERMAINE STEWART: We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off Oh! No! Oh, you.
Is it a strip thing? Wicked! See that 16-year-old boy at home and you wanna recognise We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off.
You got that.
(APPLAUSE) OK, one more beat.
# SIR MIX-A-LOT: Baby Got Back Bootylicious? Yeah, boy.
Shake Your Booty? Big Butts.
I Like Big Butts.
Yes! (KLAXON) Jimmy Carr in the hizzouse! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, we've got Fearne Cotton.
Can you hear me? Can you hear me? She can't hear me.
You know what you are doing? Let's drop a sick beat.
Yeah, boy! # RICKY MARTIN: She Bangs Oh, Melvin! This is like a terrible boy band audition.
No grinding, Melvin! No grinding.
I don't know what this is.
OK.
Ricky Martin.
Yes! What is that song called? Ricky Martin I cannot remember his back catalogue.
Bang Something.
Bang, Bang Something or other.
Bang Bang (KLAXON) I have to speak to the adjudicator, boy.
The full title is She Bangs.
She Bangs! You didn't get it.
Here is the next one.
# RIHANNA: Work.
Right, OK OK.
Oh, right, OK.
Brokeback Mountain? Erwow.
Whoa! You are just dancing.
Rihanna? Rihanna.
Umbrella? No? Digging.
Digging Digging and tired? Hello.
Work? She said it! Work.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, work! Here is the next one.
# BOYZ II MEN: I'll Make Love To You.
No! Oh, my God.
Gino Right, yes.
Sex On A Chair? Come on! What do you mean, come on?! What the fuck is this? (KLAXON) What do you think it was? What do you think Rickie was doing? Being a small person? What is a small person? And then he was doing what? Then he was growing.
fon Boyz II Men.
Oh, come on! That is impossible.
How the fuck am I meant to get that? It is no wonder you got sacked.
You don't know what a tune is.
You don't know no tunes.
This just proves that I am shit at charades because of these guys.
(KLAXON) Hear me now! That's the end of that round, you get me? The scores at the end of that round are, recognise! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We are going for a little break.
We will see you in "tree".
Coming up after the break.
Wait, wait, wait.
This is the prize you won.
Remember I told you in my game? Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
It is the final round.
(OPERA MUSIC) Wait, wait.
This is the prize that you won.
Remember I told you during my game? It is so beautiful.
It's even prettier in person.
A tumble dryer combo.
7 kg.
It is perfect.
Thank you so much.
Grazie.
Gino D'Acampo, dream maker.
I give a prize for my game, not you.
You never give any prize.
You never do anything.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Like my momma used to make.
OK, it's all to play for in this final round - it's the buzzer round! (CHEERING) Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, buzz in anyway, and guess.
Here is the first question.
What is Jimmy thinking about here? (BUZZER) Holly's team! So the Queen is there, Peter Kay is there, I think I'm wondering, why is Peter Kay showing the Queen his dick? Down here I've got, you're thinking about killing the Queen.
I love the Queen.
What are you thinking about there? I was thinking, I've got to buy stamps.
(LAUGHTER) Complete the following tweet from Robbie Williams: When you tell the wife you are going 'blank blank' again.
(BUZZER) Holly's team! Going metal detecting again.
That is correct.
What does he do with a metal detector? He is hoping to find some sort of Roman ruin, but so far it has been mostly nails.
And he has found a pipe.
It is all very exciting (!) He likes UFO hunting.
Yes, he does.
I don't know whether he is hoping to find a UFO under the ground, but Your mum likes UFO hunting, doesn't she? My mum loves UFOs.
She is obsessed.
That is her opening line to any stranger.
"Do you like UFOs Really? We should get them together.
They would have the best chat.
We went to a UFO conference once.
My mum would love this.
Are you sure it was a UFO conference, and not an airport? (LAUGHTER) What are these festival-goers about to do? (BUZZER) Holly's team! Are they lining up to get in a portaloo with Jimmy Carr? (LAUGHTER) Close.
Hang on.
Get a drink at my face.
Get a drink out of your face.
Let's have a look.
That is correct.
(APPLAUSE) Is this your own sideline? No, that's where I live.
I did some weird thing years ago and they made a big papier-mache head of me, and they sold it to a company that put a bar in it, so occasionally I will get a tweet from somebody going, "I'm on the M6, stuck behind your head.
" (LAUGHTER) What birthday gift did George Clooney receive from his wife? (BUZZER) I'm Italian and I'm a wanker! (LAUGHTER) I think it was a lawnmower.
That is correct.
(APPLAUSE) What did Kelly Brook lose this week? (BUZZER) Holly's team! Her virginity.
And it was magical.
(LAUGHTER) I really enjoyed myself.
Well, we all did.
She went to Cannes.
Did she lose her luggage? (BUZZER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
That's the end of this series.
I can tell you that the winning team is Ricky and Melvin! Have you enjoyed yourselves? (LAUGHTER) That is evil.
We have had a great time.
You've lost! It was Holly's team.
(CHEERING) The winning team gets a cake.
This is an actual cake.
There is your prize.
OK, put it down.
How do we get into you? Shall we just? Yeah, get the head off.
It's chocolate.
Where did you get the chocolate bit from?/ (LAUGHTER) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I will see you next series.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) # ROBBIE WILLIAMS: Let Me Entertain You