The Simpsons s15e17 Episode Script

( Recipes to think about in bed ) Homer what are you doing? I'm going to sleep on the couch.
she sure loves that couch.
It's the world series of kickball bart simpson on the mound.
The catcher gives him the signal .
.
And here's the pitch! oh, my god! I've shredded a child! Again! ( Screaming ) venezuela, here I come! And while the school's only ball is being repaired the following alternative sports will be offered: Dodge-rock, volley-brick and base-game.
I want to play dodge-rock! You're out.
Finally, on a personal note, mrs.
Krabappel and i are to be joined in holy wedlock this saturday.
We'll be honeymooning at lake shelbyville lodge, cabin 32, room three.
And we do not wish to be disturbed.
Way to go, mrs.
K! You finally hooked the skinfish.
It looks good but I'm not going to celebrate till he's gaffed, gutted and hanging in my trophy room.
Ha! We have the same dream, ma'am.
My bonnie lies over the ocean my bonnie lies over the sea ( chuckles ) all right, we got sex with an alligator, screaming orgasms and virgin screaming orgasms.
Ooh, sexy drinks, adult board games I'm glad I sent the kids to grampa's to protect their innocent minds.
.
.
And here's some more germans we killed.
That flame-thrower really toasted their waffles.
( Disgusted groans ) grampa, how do you sleep at night? They drug us.
It'S another pair of edible panties! ( Girlish hoots ) now, that's sexual.
( Glass squeaking ) ( slurping ) homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked.
Would you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home? Come on, it's your last night of freedom.
You got to have some fun.
O are all of you people? We're your buddies.
Now, come on, homer's kids' principal, have a beer.
I can't-- I might be called upon to give directions later.
Skinner! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug! ( Gulping ) ( drunkenly ): There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time.
Am I a good principal? You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
( Cheering ) delivering these ice-cold lady duffs has made me hot.
Really hot.
( "Duffman theme" playing ) come on, duffman.
( Hooting ) Ah, ooh, ah! Oh, yeah! ( Doorbell ringing ) sorry to bother you, but we got an anonymous tip about loud music and a strip-da-didilly-dipper.
Oh, look, girls, a policeman is here.
Well, we've been awfully naughty.
You'd better lay down the law.
( Dance music playing ) ( hollering ) hey, ladies, ladies, I-I really am a cop.
Whoa.
Is that a five? Well, this uniform is a little snug.
Oh, yeah, ha-ha, whoo! Uh, eddie, lou, how about a little backup here? Hmm, hmm, like what you see, ladies? All right.
Hmm, hmm.
Wiggum: Oh, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Uh, can we, uh can we I think I-I threw my back out.
( Gulping ) ( slurping ) you know, I wish I had an exciting life, like that class picture photographer.
Oh! How many women has he had in that van? Two that I know of.
Let's kick this up a notch and get you some wiggle in your lap.
Oh, yeah.
No.
Absolutely no friction dancing.
Oh, come on, you killjoy! Wussy.
Grinch.
Hey, take it easy on skinner.
He's just down 'cause after tomorrow, everything he does is wrong.
Oh, marriage is gonna be great.
Now you'll have someone who'll rub your back without being asked.
Aah, not this again.
Yes, this again.
You know, homer, edna was bugging me and bugging me to set a date, and I picked one that seemed far away, and it zoomed up like a june bug flying at my windshield.
What are you trying to tell me, skinner? ( Gulping ) ah homer lenny my man I could never lie to you guys.
I'M I'm starting to get cold feet.
Please don't tell anyone.
Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.
Marge, guess what? Skinner wants to bail on his wedding.
Homer, you're still talking to me.
Oh, man, it's just awkward.
I'm out of here.
( Gulping ) ( groans ) principal skinner is having second thoughts? Poor edna.
Yeah, marge, it looks like you got the last perfect man.
Oh, by the way, can i borrow your car tomorrow? Mine's acting up.
( Marge gasps ) ( annoyed murmur ) every day you find a new way to aggravate me.
Hey, you're the one always bugging me to screw up our marriage.
Spice up! Spice up! Whatever.
The important thing is to get skinner to that altar, because once a union has been sanctified by god, it takes at least six months to tear it apart.
Right, naked duffman? Hmm? Oh, uh oh, yeah! ( Playing "pachelbel's canon" ) I think skinner might make a run for it.
He's eyeing the exits and doing calf stretches.
Don't worry, I've got a man on the perimeter.
Cowabunga one to fat load.
This is fat load.
I'd like to request a new code name.
Denied.
Okay, fat load here.
Here comes the bride.
Repeat.
Here comes the bride.
Mrs.
K.
, You look awesome.
Thank you, otto.
That cloud looks awesome.
That rock looks awesome.
My hands look awesome.
( Playing "the wedding march" ) hey, champ.
Ready to take the plunge? You know I'm not.
We had a long discussion about that where I clearly indicated the coldness of my feet.
Happy 50th anniversary, seymour.
I was thinking it might be time to combine our cd collections.
I don't know, edna.
I'm not quite ready to take that plunge.
Seymour! My larval sac fell in the toilet.
Go fish it out.
Quick, edna.
I'll use your purse as a scoop.
Well, this is it, edna.
As I once said at the battle of khe sanh, "I surrender.
" We are gathered together today to join seymour and edna in holy matrimony.
Does anyone present know any reason why these two should not be wed? I do.
( All gasp ) no, you say that part later.
I'm sorry, seymour.
I can't marry someone who doesn't want to be with me.
( Cries ) ( crying ) we got a runner.
Snipers, take your shot.
I can't do it.
That dress is a vera wang.
Edna! Mm ( sniffing ) is this corn oil? Canola.
He drove her to it you know.
She was only doing it for the appliances.
He's a she.
She's a he.
They're both, both.
( Clears throat ) well, I'm afraid edna has gone from tardy to absent.
( Nervous chuckling ) so let's move onto the reception and forget this awkwardness with some delicious shrimp mocktail.
Principal skinner, I feel so bad for you.
Well, in retrospect, I could've been a little more "into" the whole thing.
Just the two of us building castles ( sighs ): "Just the two of us.
" I spent $15 on those dance lessons, might as well use them.
Forward, side, together.
Back, side, together.
this is so sad.
Yeah, he's crazy all right.
All right, students, what is the center of the circulatory system? It's the heart.
The heart? You mean like principal skinner's, which you broke? What do you care? You hate principal skinner.
Eh, bro's before ho'S.
Nelson, I'll see you after class.
I'll be there.
Will you? ( Bell rings ) mom, what are you doing here? Did our house burn down? Oh, that'd be cool.
No, I'm here to have a little girl-talk with mrs.
Krabappel.
So how are you holding up? Actually, I feel fine.
Why should I settle for someone who's not passionate about me? Oh, passion's for teens and immigrants.
I'm just glad to have someone to look at when I wake up in the morning.
Really? Well unkink the hose.
Hmm sure there are downsides.
But a relationship can't be all hand-holding and restaurant desserts.
Why not? If I can't have romance and excitement, then what's the point of being married? Well, it'S in my case hmm oh, god, I've lost the love of my life.
Bart's right, I am a wiener.
( Sobbing ) geez, homer, this guy is bringing the whole bar down.
I finally got barney back on the sauce.
If he doesn't have fun, he could easily slip right back into sobriety.
Don't worry.
If I feel the urge to sober up, I'll just talk to my sponsor.
Drink or I'll die.
Wait a minute.
I thought you didn't want to get married.
That was before I missed her smell, her warmth, her beautiful, beautiful penmanship.
Don't worry, principal skinner.
Seymour.
Really? Boy, it sucks to be you.
Anyhoo, if there's one thing I know, it's how to win back a furious woman.
We'll go to her house, and I'll whisper to you exactly what to say.
Really? You'll be my cyrano? Hey, if we get your girlfriend back I won't have to.
Okay, just repeat after me.
"Edna, I made a huge mistake and I want you back.
" Edna, I made a huge mistake and I want you back.
How's that, homer? Mm-hmm.
Oh, god, it's seymour.
What do I say? You just say it's too late.
I'm free and loving it, principal skinner.
( Whispering ): Hey, tell her every second without you is like a million kicks in the crotch.
Oh, that's so lovely.
"But it's too late to win us back with sweet talk.
" What the? Marge? Are you helping her? I won't let edna throw her life away for some passionless marriage where two people lie in bed together with no contact, whittling away the batteries until they die.
Which are you saying is dead? Our marriage or our batteries? Let's just say in an emergency, I wouldn't count on either one.
Homer, marge, if I could just speak to edna for a moment.
Shut up.
I didn't tell you to say that.
Just why am I taking your advice? Because I'm successfully married.
There's no ring on that finger.
Uh-oh.
Oh, why did I take it off? Oh, right.
To see if I could skip it across lake michigan.
I'm here to return the gift you brought to our wedding.
Ah, yes.
An incredible hulk melon baller.
( Growls ) ( growling ) ( growls ) well, I'm glad you'll be able to enjoy it.
I think you did the right thing.
You didn't want your life to turn out like this.
( Chuckling ) oh, you're cute.
Is there a mrs.
Comic book guy? Well, I was married once in an online fantasy game.
We were thinking of having children, but that would have severely drained my power crystals.
( Chuckling ) stop it, you big kidder.
( Forced laughter ) yes, "kidder.
" Would you like to get some coffee? And a family bucket of chicken.
We've made it to my car and you haven't left.
A new record.
Oh, I love your black tinted windows.
Actually, they're trash bags.
Now, could you give me a pushing start? string quartet, are you tuned up? As tuned as we're going to get in this humidity.
And the castrati? The what now? And a one and a two and A ( to the tune of "a-wimoweh" ) oh, edna k, oh, edna k, oh, edna k, oh, edna k oh, edna k, oh, edna k ms.
Krabappel, a sad principal is desperate and needy if you come home, I won't die alone and that's what I'd prefer uh-plee-ee-ee-eease settle for seymour so plee-ee-ee-eease come back to the dork well, well, if it isn't the square in our love triangle.
What are you doing in edna's place? Where is she? My beloved is napping blissfully in the many folds of my spider-man t-shirt.
As for myself, I am popping kettle corn.
This can't be happening! Oh, but it can.
I adore edna.
She is near-mint and comes from a very limited edition-- females who will talk to me.
Give her back to skinner.
A fat, bald guy like you you could have anyone.
Forget you.
Edna and I are in love.
We're doing everything together.
Breakfast, bath, and then the bi-monthly science fiction convention.
Join me.
The bi-mon sci-fi con?! You've heard of it? Is it romantic? Hey, women have put out just to get out of there.
( Growls ) edna's with comic book guy? Oh, god, she's on the rebound.
And you meet the worst guys on the rebound.
It's how jackie got her "O.
" Okay, we'll go to the convention, sell my lois lane comics, buy some jimmy olsens, and stop edna from making a terrible mistake.
I wish you'd devote this much time and attention to our relationship.
Don't worry, marge.
We'll get something to eat.
( Groans ) Warning, you could be photographed and used in ads looking like that I don't see skinner anywhere.
He's probably in costume-- he could be any of these people.
They're all too old to be dressed up like super-people.
Homer, let's just hurry up and go home so I can yell at you.
Oh, my goodness, it's matt groening! ( Laughs ) wow, the creator of futurama! Mr.
Groening, will you autograph my bender doll? Sure.
I'm happy to give anyone my autograph anytime or anywhere: On the street, in a store or on my private property, but why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard.
They say it's good luck.
Look-- there they are! They're going into multi-purpose room B.
That room has a dry erase board.
They could be doing anything in there.
Anything.
Edna, the klingons have a romantic saying: ( Speaks klingon click-clack-style ) all: Aw roughly translated, it means "I would kill the children of a thousand planets just to see you smile.
" Aw that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard, which is kind of sad if you think about it.
( Joints creaking ) edna, I want you to marry me-- right here and now.
If you marry me, we will honeymoon in nebulon five, also known as san diego.
Skinner: No! Hands off my fiancee, wide ride! Why are you dressed like catwoman? You oh, they told me it was catman! Now prepare for some roughhousing.
Oh! Oh! ( Joints creaking ) ( grunting ) d-ohh! ( All gasp ) Should we aid our brother in his blood feud ? No.
My mom worked really hard on this costume.
stop it! Stop it, both of you! Seymour, it's too late for you to win me back.
This man worships me.
He actually wants to be my husband.
The female has made her decision.
Prepare the feast of goldfish crackers.
I'm not marrying you either.
There are a million valid reasons, but which one did you pick? We've had a great time together, but we're too different.
I don't understand.
It's like I'm dc comics, and you're marvel.
I understand completely.
I don't think I want to be tied down to anybody.
Take me to some real men.
Okay, you can watch my dad and my brothers beat me up.
Come back home with mama, son.
I'll make you some hot cocoa, while you sit in your shame closet and think about what you did.
Well, at least I went down like a man.
You look like a malaysian transsexual.
Good for you, mrs.
K.
Yeah! You don't need a husband to be happy.
Okay, marge, I hear you.
Now that krabappel's made her decision, it's time to whitewash over our problems.
I'm afraid, this time, a coat of whitewash won't cover it.
( Gasps ) our marriage is just an illusion.
He doesn't care how I feel at all.
He doesn't know how to love.
Marge, the greatest day of my life was the day you and I became one.
Would you marry me again? Oh, it's very sweet, but I don't need A where's that coming from? A band in a closet.
Every girl's dream.
And now, padre, if you would do the honors.
( Harsh klingon noises ) marge: I do.
Marge, you just agreed to raise the kids klingon! Marge: D-ohh! Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.
Wgbh.
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