American Dad s15e21 Episode Script

1 (REEL CASTS) I have a good feeling about this.
I think fly fishing may have what it takes to be our new couples' activity.
Jury's still out on the fishing, but I will say, it was pretty awesome hitting that squirrel on the drive up here.
(REEL CASTS) Ooh! I think I got one! STAN: Beginner's luck.
(STRAINING) (FISH GRUNTING) Beat it! Your kind isn't wanted here! FRANCINE: Don't worry, Stan.
You'll get one.
Ooh, ooh! I got one, too! - (REEL CRANKING) - (GRUNTING) Oh, it's really fighting me, Francine.
Did it hurt your balls when you reeled yours in? Stan, I think it's just stuck on your - (FABRIC RIPS) - Oh, it got away! But, oh-ho-ho! It was a big one! 42 waist.
Same size as me.
I'm gonna ask him where he buys his pants.
(INHALES DEEPLY) (REEL CASTS) It was quiet down there.
Really gave me time to think.
I realize now it was my underwear.
(PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS) Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Mm-mmm! This trout's delicious! So good! I like to take a big bite of fish and then a big sip of milk and then swish it all together in my mouth like this.
(SWISHING) Ahh! It's like trouted milk balls.
So it seems like fly fishing was a success? It was wonderful.
So beautiful and peaceful out there.
Yes, but we're obviously never doing it again.
That was an audition for a couples' activity, and it failed.
The couple tried it, the couple didn't like it, and now the couple will Put it on the boarrrd This isn't a couples' rejection board! It's just a list of things we did that you didn't like.
I'm not changing the sign, Francine.
We only tried all these things once! Can't we give fly fishing another chance? No.
W-Why can't we give Couples' Loan Sharking another chance? Because the mob came after us for stepping on their turf, remember?! They broke your wrist! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, they were right to do that.
I was not getting the picture.
Please, Stan.
I really loved fly fishing.
(SIGHS) You know I can't say no to those beautiful black pupils.
Let's give it another shot.
Hey.
"Steve's dance recitals"? I thought you stopped coming because you didn't want to give me performance anxiety? That was a lie.
We were bored and couldn't relate to your passion.
The upstairs toilet is overflowing, and the goddamn plunger is never where it's supposed to be! - (SMARTPHONE CLICKING) - Ugh! (BOTH LAUGH) - Ugh! - Ugh! (BOTH LAUGH) You crunched my nose! And (LAUGHS) W-Where's your tooth?! It went right into the wood.
That thing must've been flying! Well, that's not the only interesting thing on this door.
HAYLEY: Oh, this is where we used to measure ourselves every year.
Wow.
We've all grown so much.
Me, you, Omar.
W-Wait.
Who the hell is Omar? He's got a mark for every year! My nose hurts.
Forget your nose, forget my tooth.
Let's solve this thing.
But what about the clogged toilet? Let's forget that, too.
A little dirty water never hurt anybody.
Okay.
We're on the case! What case? I want in.
The case of who Omar is.
You see, there's these markings.
I don't know who Omar is, you jerks! You're so suspicious! Do you think that might be a lead we should follow? I, uh Not sure.
I-I wasn't paying attention.
I was too busy tonguing my new gum hole.
(SQUISHING) Oh, it feels incredible.
(LICKING AND SLURPING) - (SNORING) - Roger, I need your help.
(FLAPPING) Sorry, Stan.
I'm a duck today.
I got a lot of duck responsibilities.
I promised Francine I'd go fly fishing again, but I'm terrible at it, and I don't want to go.
Damn it! I don't know what to do! - That's it! Dam it! - What? Dam it.
Dam the river! Yes, damn the river! Damn it, Stan, you're not getting it! Wait Say that again.
I'm doing duck stuff? Not that far back.
The dam.
I'll build a dam, then there won't be a river to fly fish in.
And we'd have more time to work on our vaudeville act.
Let's go get some concrete.
Just give me one second.
(DUCKS QUACKING) Quack! Quack-quack! Quack! Quack-quack-quack! (DUCKS QUACKING) Let's roll.
(MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING) And that's the easiest way to get out of fly fishing with your wife.
(SLAP) And now a little reward for Stan.
"Dolly Parton.
" You've done it, Stan.
The funniest thing that's ever happened.
Uh look behind you.
Today's more for putting things behind me than looking.
- Whoa.
- (TWINKLE) STAN: A giant lake.
And like moths to a flame, here come the lake people.
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) - (ENGINE HUMS) - Whoo-hoo! Guess I'm gonna have to open a dingy lakeside café, aren't I? (GULPING) Hey! You're the guy that made this lake! Name's Cleonard.
That's "C" as in Cleonard, "L" as in Leonard, "E" as in Eonard, "O" as in Onard, "N" as in Nard, "A" as in Ard, "R" as in Rd, and "D" as in Dildo.
Have a beer! Oh! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! - (CAN TAB POPS) - (GULPING) Whoa-ho, Lake Man! You're a natural! You know what, honey? I'm so glad we're giving fly fishing a second chance.
But wait a second.
Where's the dang river? We're still 10 miles away.
Oh, yes, yes, that that's why we can't see the river that is still there.
Where's the dang river? It's been dammed! Yeah.
But by whom? Guess we have no choice but to check out the dam up yonder.
But who needs answers when you've got cannonb-a-a-alls?! What are you still doing in the car? Jump in, Francine! Feel the muck on your balls! FRANCINE: You know I don't have balls, Stan! Prove it! (BANJO MUSIC PLAYING) I know you're disappointed we can't fly fish, but like Cleonard says, when God dams a river, he makes a lake.
Who's Cleonard? That guy over there I just met for the first time.
So, what do you think? Lake life? Our new couples' thing? What's lake life? You know, swimmin', drinkin', sun burnin', Lyme disease gettin' lake life! I'm sorry.
I'm just bummed about the river.
Oh, come on.
What was your favorite thing about fly fishing? Well, it was something I really enjoyed and was really good at.
(IMITATES BUZZER) You liked the water! Well, think about it.
Now you have all that water in one spot.
If you see a patch you like, you don't have to worry about it rushing by.
It's gonna be there for centuries.
- (FLATLY) I guess.
- That's the spirit! Look at Cleonard, screamin' at his mom in front of everyone what a baller.
You gotta meet him.
Hey, Cleonard.
This is Francine.
Ma'am.
Let me introduce y'all to the gang.
This here's Cleonard Jr.
That's Mama, Big Clen, Tammy, Tammy's man, Guts, and the lovely Cleonard-Dawn.
Say, we're just about to go bob for pigs' feet.
Y'all interested? Oh, hell yes! Oh, I'm good.
I had two monkey hands and a zebra dick for lunch.
Come on! Lake life! (SIGHING) Okay.
I guess you were gonna give fly fishing a second chance.
That's right.
Remember how surprised I was the river was gone? - Twice.
- On my count! One! Go! (LAUGHS, GURGLES) - Unh! - (CRUNCH) (CRUNCH) Mnh! (LAUGHS, GURGLES) (RETCHES) (DISTORTED VOMITING) (WHISTLES) Pbth! I got seven! You win! Let's hear it for Lake Man and his wife, Vomit! - (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - (GASPS) You got a nickname! What a power couple.
Lake Man and Vomit.
Grape, grape, grape.
Yum.
Rogu, stop fussing with those olives.
Steve and Hayley found the name "Omar" written on the door, and I have to get something off my chest.
You're the only one I can tell.
Omar is my son.
Oh, my God! Or at least I've come to think of him as my son.
Rogu need more information.
A long time ago, I saw a boy in a Country Time Lemonade commercial, and since then, I imagined that he was mine.
I guess that's the whole story.
Huh.
(GASPS) Oh! And I've been guessing at his height and marking it on the door.
Busted! We knew you had something to do with Omar! And we knew you'd come spillin' your guts to Rogu.
Everyone does.
You used Rogu as a honeypot?! You got Rogu'd.
(LAUGHTER) (CRYING) Buddy, don't feel bad.
It was just kind of a game or something.
I don't know.
I'm so sad and alone and sad.
All right.
Let's help him with this, and then we'll fix our nose and teeth.
(ENGINE HUMS) Whoo-hoo-hoo! That all you got, Junior?! - (ENGINE REVS) - Aah! Aah! Aah! STAN: Whoo! Whoo! (FRANCINE GRUNTING) How great is lake life? Let's fire it up again, Junior.
I think I might sit this one out, swim to shore.
Swim in? Sounds like we got ourselves a lake-aholic, Junior.
I'm a lake-aholic, too, except with alcohol and meth and unprotected sex! I'm gonna beat it, though, 'cause I ordered a fidget spinner, and it's on its way.
Hey, Roger.
Turns out my grill's a little small.
We're running about six to seven hours behind.
Who ordered a grilled cheese at 11:00 a.
m.
?! Yours now if you want it.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Yoink! Lake life is awesome! Cleonard shot an osprey with a crossbow, and we're gonna bang it open with a rock! Cleonard, from the lake.
Stan, it's been a long day.
When can we go home? Not yet! Cleonard shot an osprey with a crossbow, and we're gonna bang it open with a rock! FRANCINE: Ding! Hey, Roger, I'm borrowing this.
Sorry.
I just wanted to check on my turkey burger.
This isn't McDonald's, sir! Check back in the morning! (TONGS CLACK) It's like why am I tracking the height of a boy I've only seen in commercials? I think television is extremely dangerous for me.
It makes me feel like I know him.
- But maybe you can know him, Klaus.
- What? Omar is real.
He's real and he's alive and he's out there.
We found him on Cameo, and he's actually available to make personal appearances for an extra fee.
You know I have no money! I'll cover it.
I got a little cabbage comin' from the tooth fairy.
Look, you have a lot of real love for him, a-and maybe that's something he's looking for.
Y-You might not be able to be his dad, but you could be, I dunno, a-a mentor.
Or he could mentor you? Or maybe just get in a room and see who mentors who.
Okay.
Let's reach out to him.
I'm gonna go to my alcove and get all my farts out before he comes.
I suggest you all do the same.
Maybe this dumb lake's good for something.
Ow.
Is that my ass or the dam? (LAUGHS) That's a funny bit.
Stan always does that bit.
Stan always does that bit! That little bitch built a secret dam! Stan, come with me! We need to talk! Just tell me in front of Cleonard.
I'm gonna tell him the second you leave, anyway.
I tell Cleonard everything.
Fine.
I know you built the dam! Ooh! Sounds like somebody's getting laid tonight.
(GULPING) - (SUSPENSEFUL CHORD STRIKES) - Honey, we we don't need to go in there.
You dammed a river because you didn't want to give fly fishing a second chance! FRANCINE: Damn your dam.
(ROCKET WHOOSHES) (CRUMBLING) (WATER SPLASHES) See ya, turds! Hey, Stan, tell Roger to have my chicken tenders delivered to my balls! (UP-TEMPO BANJO MUSIC PLAYS) That lady ruined our lake! She's deeeeaaad! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING AND HOLLERING) Cleonard, my man, the lake was only here for a day.
You don't need to do anything crazy.
Of course we do, Stan.
We're crazy lake people.
Let's git 'er! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) I got a crush on you, Stan.
(ENGINE REVS, WOMEN GIGGLE) Oh, my God! Tammy's crushing on me?! The hillbillies want to kill Francine because she destroyed the lake! Oh, thank God this is over.
I was playing it cool, but I was in over my head.
Come on.
We can still get a jump on them.
Cleonard can't find his Croakies, so they haven't left yet.
Okay.
Just let me grab my stuff.
Did you really need all this junk? You caught me after my Costco run.
What am I supposed to do, just leave behind a 13-pound bag of pitted dates? - No.
- Hey, can you guide that jumbo hand sanitizer this way? Had my hand up a possum's butt all morning.
You know what they say customer's always right.
I was the customer.
CLEONARD: Hey, Lake Man! Any sign of Vomit yet?! I told you, Cleonard! I won't help you hunt my wife! Oh, yeah.
Well, can you at least ask the grill guy if he has any ice-cream sandwiches? He does.
Okay, great! Ask him if he takes wet checks! CLEONARD: He does! Okay.
Three pitchers of Country Time Lemonade.
That should be enough to get us through the first hour.
I hope it's still his favorite.
(KNOCKING) Hi.
I'm Omar from the Country Time Lemonade commercial.
We know.
I was also in Tremors 5: Bloodlines.
Please, come in.
This is Klaus.
He only knows you from your lemonade commercials.
It's not easy to explain or even understand, but something about you appealed to Klaus, and he started to think of you as a son.
He has a lot of love for you, and I think he's here today to ask if that would be something you're open to sharing.
Wow.
That's a pretty strange offer.
But, honestly, I'd be really open to this.
I'm lonely.
And maybe you are, too.
And maybe, together, we won't have to be.
- How tall are you?! - I'm sorry? How tall are you?! Omar! I'm 5'7"? That's not right! Klaus, what are you doing? Get against the door! We'll see who's right! - There's the plunger! Can I - I'm using it on Omar! - I actually have to go.
- Are you insane?! I have to measure you! (DOOR SLAMS) Did he just run out of the house? What a Hollyweirdo.
It's a real lesson.
Don't meet your Hollyweird heroes.
(WATER TRICKLING) And here comes the toilet water.
Keep your eyes peeled.
Francine's probably close.
This is right around where she took us fishing.
Hey, Stan, I double-dog dare you to murder your wife! Man, this has been going on for hours.
We gotta lose these guys.
Cut your tubes loose.
- Maybe they'll trip them up.
- Not my tubes! Well, there must be another way, Stan! Oh! Maybe we can creatively harness the untapped power of the trees.
Francine's life is at stake! Ugh.
Fiiine.
You're so obsessed with her.
My tree idea is lookin' pretty good right now.
The river cuts back.
Hey, what if we jump out, run across the land, then get back in on the other side? It'll be much faster than taking this lazy-ass river all the way around.
STAN: That's a great idea.
What a shortcut! Top-notch idea! ROGER: I'm loving the positive reinforcement, Stan! (OWL HOOTING) Whoa! Check out the beautiful owl! Aah! It must've smelled possum butt on my knuckles! Oh, well.
Bye! (WATER RUSHING) (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) Aah! Oh! Aah! Ah! (GRUNTING) Aaaah! Ah (COUGHING) Francine! Can you stop fly fishing for one second and listen to me? We gotta run! The hillbillies are trying to hunt you down! Why should I believe you? Everything you do is for selfish reasons.
Name one time.
You built a dam so I couldn't fish! Oh, well, you knocked that one out of the park.
How long you been sittin' on that? CLEONARD: There she is! (BANJO MUSIC PLAYS) I got this.
Go hide while I save our lives.
Cleonard, you've made me the happiest man on Earth.
But I'm going to have to ask you not to kill my wife.
- (BOW CLICKS) - (WHOOSH) Stan, it's time for you to finally let me do something I'm good at.
Go hide! (WEAPONS COCK) (WHOOSHING) (KNIFE SCRAPES) - (POP) - My eye! My eye! Wait! That was my lazy eye! My good eye's still good! - (WHIP, POP) - Aah! I'm almost out of eyes! Don't take my Pan's Labyrinth eyes! (WHIP, POP, WHIP, POP) (SCREAMING) Unh! (SCREAMS) Who else wants some?! Wow! That was incredible, Francine! Told you I was good.
I'm sorry I dammed your river just because I'm bad at fly fishing.
But now I realize Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Oh, my God! Roger! I'll be fine.
Nothing a little hand sanitizer and 32 cans of water chestnuts can't fix.
I-I just gotta head upriver and find my supplies.
(OWL HOOTS) Let's get out of here.
Where are you?! Where are you?! - (THUD) - There you are.
(CAN TAB POPS) (GULPS) Ahhh! (SMACKS LIPS) Bye! Have a great time!