It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s16e01 Episode Script

Did you ever see
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
No.
The cartoon was excellent,
and the movies
were even, like, more well-refined.
Look at the price of these suckers.
- No.
- Never saw it?
What are you guys looking at?
Oh, uh, new couches.
We got rid of the old one,
- but the prices are insane.
- Yeah, it's nuts, man.
I think we should just rent like
we did the last time, you know?
Wait, you rented your sofa?
Yeah, I mean,
all we did was pay the interest.
How much was the interest?
Oh, it was nothing. It was like 25 bucks
- a week.
- Yeah. - How long did you have it?
- 15 years, bro.
- About 15 years, yeah.
You spent close to $20,000
on a couch you never owned.
- $20,000
- No.
- Where are you getting that from?
- No.
52 weeks a year, $25 a week.
15 years.
$19,500.
- That seems high.
- That's pretty bad business, fellas.
I don't understand why
prices are so high right now.
- Inflation.
- Yeah.
- Right, yeah.
- Oh, well, right.
- Inflation, yeah.
- I mean, because of the inflation.
You guys do understand
what inflation is, right?
Inflation? Yeah, yes, absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. For the sake of argument
- Yeah.
- pretend we don't.
Inflation is when the price
of goods and services go up.
Whoop.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Eh?
Frank, oh, thank God.
Hey, I'm being evicted.
The-the landlord,
he jacked up my rent and I can't pay.
Now, listen,
I have glued my hand to the door,
so they can't physically remove me
Just a second, Deandra.
See, inflation happens when
there's more demand
than there is supply.
- Yes.
- Frank, I don't think they're get
You want me to, you want me
- to walk 'em through it?
- Charlie.
Yeah, you shut up, Charlie.
You don't understand any of it.
That's not true.
Dude, I've learned a lot about business
living with Frank.
You know, I know stuff.
Also, speaking of,
I got an investment idea
that I'd love to pitch you guys if I
- Paddy's.
- Do not hang up on
Charlie, we don't want to hear it.
Frank, keep going.
Well, you see,
the government tries to curb inflation
by raising interest rates,
so that people borrow
less and spend less.
Okay, so if prices are going up,
can we get a raise?
No, well, you see,
if I raise your wages,
- then you'd have more money.
- Yeah.
And that, in this case, is not good.
No.
You know, it would increase inflation.
- Yeah?
- And we don't want that
- to increase, right?
- No.
So maybe what we would
need to do is lower our wages. I get it.
But that would cause a recession.
- Yeah.
- Which could lead to a depression.
- So you can't.
- You can't do that.
Which we can't, of course
- Yeah.
- take a pay cut.
- Right.
- Or a raise.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- Mm-mm, no.
That's money talk.
Yeah, that's money talk right there.
Basically,
it boils down to your nut, right?
Like, how much, like,
nut do you go through a month, right?
- Are you storing up your nut or are you just blowing through it?
- Exactly.
Like, okay, um, how much nut
do you guys blow through in a month?
- A ton.
- I don't want to talk to you about
Yeah, I figured you were, man.
- Yeah.
- So, you got, you got to try to
hang on to some of that nut.
Otherwise it's all gone.
But that's the screwy thing about it.
Money isn't as valuable
as it always was
And money's not as valuable, right?
How can the value of money be different?
Money is money.
- No, a buck is not worth a buck.
- No, no.
- No, no, it's worth 25 cents right now.
- There, yeah.
- A dollar is worth 25 cents?
- Yeah.
Yeah, but I'll give you
50 cents for a buck.
Hey.
Uh, I think that sounds
like a good deal.
Yeah?
Huh?
Frank, you got to wire me money!
They, they're unscrewing my
Okay, you know what? I only have a ten.
- I'll give you a five.
- That's money talk.
- Let's go.
- Nice, nice, yeah.
- Deal.
- Deal.
Uh, Mac, you know, I'm
I'm crunching the numbers over here
and I'm-I'm getting a little
concerned about our nut.
How much money are you spending
on these Dwayne Johnson energy drinks?
Quite a bit.
I basically live on them now.
Maybe you could cut back a little bit.
I mean, you don't have to buy everything
The Rock tries to sell you, you know.
Interesting. What am I looking at here?
Come. Have a seat.
- Oh.
- Oh, shit.
- An inflatable couch?
- Yeah.
It was super cheap, dude.
Now, this is just a temporary option
until we make enough nut
for us to afford an actual couch.
- Right.
- But it will lower our monthly nut
because we're not renting this bad boy.
Dennis, we own it.
- Oh.
- And speaking of nuts,
I also purchased these.
Okay, went, went real literal
with it, didn't you?
Yeah, yeah.
- Fancy Nuts.
- These are very fancy.
- Are they? Three dollars?
- Yeah, yeah, only-only three dollars.
Now, we could live on
these bad boys for weeks.
Mm-hmm. Well, listen,
I don't really have any interest
in your, uh, bulk tin
of low-end economy nuts,
but I am finding this couch idea
to be pretty interesting,
and it's giving me another idea
of how we could possibly
"inflate" things a little further.
Oh, well,
you can't inflate this any further
'cause it'll pop.
Just a figure of speech.
No, trust me, I-I tried.
I-I already popped two
of them earlier today.
- Did you?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I just kept blowing and blowing and blowing,
and just boom.
Okay, all right, well, that's okay.
You really shouldn't, it's dangerous.
- I understand what you're saying.
- Okay.
I'm serious, Dennis.
Don't blow this up
I'm not going to do it.
I get what you're saying.
It's very clear.
Okay.
Charlie.
Check this out, a new lamp.
It looks like an old lamp, but listen
- It's a new lamp.
- What's with the lamps, man?
You keep coming back with all this junk.
- That's like the fifth lamp you've brought back.
- Don't worry about it.
- Where you want to put it?
- I don't know, stick it in
the storage closet or something.
- Like
- Oh, storage, yeah.
Frank, can I talk to you a second
about this investment idea I got?
- Like, 'cause this is
- Oh, whoa.
Ah, this this place is packed.
Right, yeah. Don't make a mess.
Like, listen, Frank,
this could be, like, huge, man,
because I've been tracking this thing.
It's this, like, like,
Internet money kind of situation, right?
Wha-What, crypto? I'm not into crypto.
Well, it'd be a lot less cryptic
if I could show you the video.
There's a video
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What-What's this?
Is that a toilet?
Uh yeah.
You mean to tell me we've been
living here all this time,
and you never told me we had a bathroom?
It's really, like, noisy.
It runs all the time.
It's not a good one.
We piss in cans, Charlie.
You can always go number
two down the hall,
and, like, it's a good system.
What else are you hiding from me?
Nothing, Frank.
I'm trying to talk to
you about business.
What's behind that door?
That's the neighbor's door.
That's why it's all
- Hold this. Hold this lamp.
- Stop, Frank.
Listen, man, I don't want to have to be
constantly cleaning toilets Aw, shit.
- Holy shit.
- Yeah, yeah.
What the fuck is this?
- Yeah, okay.
- Is this a bedroom?
Um, I mean
Charlie, you mean we've been living
in a two-bedroom with a bathroom,
and you never said anything about it?
Look, all right, look,
I wasn't trying to be crypto about it,
it's just, like, Frank,
I just never liked
sleeping in a room with
an empty room behind me.
You got to understand that, right?
It's creepy.
You're supposed to sleep in here.
Yeah, but I just I n
Great, now someone's at the door.
I'm gonna have to walk a mile to get it.
This is why you don't want
all this space, Frank.
Yes, I'm coming, I'm coming.
All right. Jesus.
I need a place to stay.
Let me talk to Frank.
- What's on your hand?
- It's a piece of a door.
Move past it. Frank!
He can't hear you,
he's in the other room, okay?
What? What other room?
Frank! Dee's here!
I mean, I'm gonna have to get,
like, an intercom
on the wall or something.
- It's just totally nuts.
- What? What is going on over here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just
- Holy shit, Charlie.
- Yeah.
This is tits.
Why don't you use this room?
I like to keep my life simple.
I don't want to live in a maze,
you know?
No. I don't know. Can I sleep in here?
- Absolutely not. Don't think about that.
- Someone's at the door again.
Okay? I'm gonna have
to walk another mile.
This is crazy. I mean,
I'm gonna have to get a butler.
I'm coming, hang on.
- What?
- Where's Frank?
- Why?
- We don't have to tell you our business.
Fine, whatever. He's in the other room.
What other room?
The other room over there, man.
That's where he is.
You have another room here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got another room.
- What the hell, dude?
- What's going on?
I mean, we're gonna blow our shoes out
with all this walking, man.
Holy shit.
- What the hell?
- I mean, Charlie,
have you always had this?
Yeah, it's not a big deal.
How is this not a big deal?
Wait, so you truly have no reason
to be sleeping with Frank.
Move past it, dude. Move past it, man.
I will move past it
because I really, ultimately,
don't give a shit.
Frank, listen,
we have an incredible
business opportunity
we want to talk to you about.
All right, well, let's talk turkey.
What, you're gonna listen to
their idea over mine, dude?
L-Look, the two of you, get out of here.
I need the office. Get out.
Oh, now it's an office?
It's an office now?
Oh, that's great.
I mean, are we even zoned for that?
I'll come back tonight.
Yeah, so, uh, what do you think, Frank?
Good, good.
It's got a nice squeak to it.
Yeah, it does have a nice squeak to it,
doesn't it?
Hey, uh, Mac, you almost done
with that one over there, bud?
Yeah, just finishing up. And I am
good.
That's a lot of blowing.
Now, Frank, would you like
to start this meeting off
with a Fancy Nut?
What happened to your lips?
- Huh?
- What happened to your lips?
Oh, this must
must be from the plastic.
It's, uh, it's probably
from all the blowing.
- Blowing.
- The the plastic on these
is a little bit irritating.
It's not the pla
No, that's not what it is.
That's not what it is.
That is rancid.
Did you g Did you get a bad one?
Well, they're all bad. Do not eat them.
Okay? Either of you.
Now, Frank, as we all know,
we're living in a time of inflation.
But
is inflation such a bad thing?
Or are things
better inflated?
Take it.
Take a look at that lookbook there.
Turn to the first page,
you'll see, uh
Hello.
Yeah.
Kim Kardashian's backside,
the early years.
Now, if you turn to the next page
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Ooh. Ooh.
- Yes. Yes.
As the years have gone by,
her backside has gotten bigger
and bigger. It's inflated.
I think what you'll find
most interesting is that
the Kardashians' net worth
has inflated in direct
proportion to their booties.
- What did he say?
- I'm saying that the Kardashians'
- No, no, Mac, Mac, please.
- backsides
Just let me.
Let me, okay? Okay, uh, Frank,
we would like for you to, um,
inject some capital into
our inflatable furniture
I'm in. Yeah.
- You're in?
- Yeah.
You Oh, really?
You-you don't need to
hear the whole pitch?
Nah, I'll give you the money,
but it's a loan, and you got
to pay me back with interest.
- Oh, we like interest. That's great.
- Yeah, no problem.
And I want to keep the
furniture for the room.
You want to keep this? Yeah, sure.
And I want to keep the book for
other reasons.
- Yeah, we-we-we figured you'd want to
- Oh, okay, you're gonna
It's crazy.
I can be, like, a good businessman.
You know, I don't know why
he doesn't take me seriously.
It's like, do you have
any idea how much time
I've spent, like,
tracking and researching the price
- of this online currency?
- That's got to be maddening.
Did you glue your hand to my door?
- Yeah, I did.
- Why?
Well, it's a new form of protest,
Charlie.
People are doing it to, you know,
call attention to
injustices or some shit.
I don't know. Either way, I'm locked in.
Uh, boom.
Just like that, we are in business.
He went with your idea?
Of course he did, Charlie,
we are savvy businessmen.
What's going on with Mac's lips?
I-I don't know, they're insane.
It's-it's
I think a little bit
of the plastic is, uh
Probably from all the
blowing he's been doing.
He's been making homophobic jokes
Not homophobic. Uh, FYI,
Frank, uh, does not want to be bothered
in there for a little bit, you know,
he's he's Well, you know.
- He's jacking off into a magazine.
- Right.
Aw.
Oh.
Look, Charlie, I can tell you're mad.
Well, it's just like,
I don't get it, man.
It's like, why do you believe
in Mac and Dennis over me?
Look, Charlie, I'm not investing in them
because I believe in them.
I'm investing in them because
I don't believe in them.
They're gonna be paying me money
for the rest of their lives,
like that stupid couch.
- Well, then you're just, like, being a predator.
- Exactly.
Well, it's not a compliment, Frank.
You know what? I can't deal with this.
I'm going to go sleep in the
other bedroom, all right?
What? And just leave me here, all alone?
Yes, yes.
I'm still here, goddamn it.
Charlie, can you please unglue me?
I got to go to the new bathroom.
No, Dee, you did this to yourself.
I will glue a pillow
to the wall, though.
- I don't want to be a bad host.
- Oh, yeah?
You know what, man? This was a mistake.
I-I can't sleep.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're upset and concerned
that we got rid of our
furniture too soon.
Nope, that's not it.
Is it the business plan?
You're afraid it's not gonna work?
That's also not it.
- Then what?
- It's your goddamn wheezing.
Am I wheezing?
Are you wheezing? You sound insane.
Are you allergic to those nuts?
No. It's not the nuts.
I It's I, uh
I think it's from blowing up those
No. Okay, also, I feel
like I'm sleeping in a tub
of nuts here, man.
Can you stop eating them in bed?
- It's Charlie! Open up oh.
- Oh, Charlie's here.
- Stop eating the nuts.
- It's unlocked.
You should lock your door.
Look, I need a place to stay.
- No room.
- What?
- We don't have
- He's-he's
any room.
He's saying we don't have any room.
But, uh, well, hey, I can,
I can blow up my own bed
and I can deflate it in the morning.
I'll inflate it, I'll deflate it.
It'll be like I was never here.
Plus, I brought my own nuts.
Are they fancy?
What? What-what is he saying?
Are they Fancy Nuts?
He wants to know if they're fancy.
Well, some are, yeah.
It's an assortment.
Consider it an offering.
Of war?
Of peace.
What is going on with you, dude?
He's allergic to nuts, okay?
I think he's gonna die.
I'm not allergic to nuts.
The point is, Charlie,
we can't swing it.
Well, I have information about Frank
that you guys might like
to hear for your business.
- Fine. Tell us.
- Have-have a seat.
Okay.
Here's how this works.
Cut me in on your operation,
and I'll give you the information. See?
I am a pretty good
businessman after all.
Okay, Charlie,
you're just trying to bribe us,
and bartering with nuts that you
probably foraged from a tree.
Mmm, some are from a tree, yes.
A fancy tree?
One of the fanciest, Mac.
Which one?
You ever have a pine nut?
- Just give us the information, please.
- Which one is?
Fine.
But first I want you guys to
hear about my business idea.
No. You can stay here one night, okay?
But I don't want to hear
your goddamn business idea
'cause I don't care.
Now tell us the Frank thing.
Fine.
Frank only lent you guys the money
'cause he thinks you're gonna fail.
In fact, he wants you to fail.
See, he's what you would
call a predatory lender,
and he's simply taking
advantage of you guys.
- Son of a bi Son of
- Okay, okay.
- All right, stop-stop talking.
- Son of a bitch.
- Just stop-stop talking. I get it.
- Frank.
This is a classic
inflation-interest play.
But I'll tell you something,
Frank's not the only one
who can be a predatory lender.
I say we pivot.
I say we don't sell
people these inflatables.
We rent them to them.
Well he's hanging on.
Doesn't sound like it.
Ow, ow.
Rise and shine, Dee.
- What time is it?
- It's 4:00 in the morning.
We got to go. We got work to do.
Just grab anything small.
Lamps are good
'cause they're easy to run with.
Hold on a second.
Are we robbing this place?
- Huh?
- Hey!
What the hell are you doing?
You haven't paid your rent
in three months, you deadbeat.
You can't come in here and take my shit.
Oh, you want it back?
Well, then pay your rent.
- I'm getting my gun.
- Go for it, bitch!
We got bulletproof vests on!
Oh, no, I don't.
I don't have a bulletproof vest.
Relax, these guys are always bluffing.
Grab stuff.
Frank, no. What is happening?
You're a slumlord now?
Yes, I collect on these guys,
and if they don't pay,
I throw 'em out on the street,
like I did you.
What? You're my landlord?
Yeah, I got tired of paying
your rent all those years,
so I bought the building.
Why did you raise the rent?
Inflation. I got to increase my nut.
- Goddamn it.
- Oh, he's hot.
Oh, shit.
Relax, they never shoot.
Ah, time to go.
Pay your rent, you deadbeat.
Dennis, it's, like, a little too windy
I feel like we got to weigh
all this stuff down, man.
Nah, it's fine, it's fine.
Also, I got to talk to you
about this Internet money, dude,
because this guy does not know
what he's sitting on, man.
- He's a chump, dude
- Charlie, Charlie.
Stop trying to talk business, all right?
- It's just not your strong suit, all right?
- Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Oh, here comes a customer.
Here, let me do the talking.
Hi, sir. Hi, how are you today?
It's a lovely day, isn't it?
- A little windy.
- A little breezy, yeah.
Yeah, a little breezy. But, uh, anyway,
are you here to buy some furniture?
Yes, I am.
- Okay, great.
- Good, good.
Hey, listen, what if I told you
you could get your furniture for free?
Yeah, see, times are very
inflatable right now, okay?
Yeah, stop, stop.
Have you ever considered
owning an inflatable couch?
Oh, yeah, I don't have a pool, so
- A pool?
- Yeah, for the
- Oh, no, no, no, I see, I see the confusion.
- Oh-oh.
- No, we're talking about for inside.
- Yeah, inside your house.
Oh. What?
- Like, how much do you currently rent your couch for?
- Yeah.
I-I don't rent my couch.
What?
You pay full price for your couch?
That's outrageous.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, no.
- Goddamn it.
- Yeah.
I'm telling you, man,
you have got to go to the hospital.
Oh, and spend the remainder
of our nut on medical bills?
I don't think so, Dennis.
I'll simply stop
blowing up the furniture.
It is not the furniture, Mac.
Okay? It is the nuts.
Dee, what the hell are you doing here?
Guys, I have information
that will change the
course of your company,
and I will tell you what it
is if you let me stay here.
Yeah, no,
Charlie already tried that shit.
- I did that move, yeah.
- Yeah.
He, he did this.
Yeah. Uh, Dee, why are you
gluing your hand to the wall?
- I mean, it's no way to solve a problem.
- Yeah.
Yeah, guys, please,
I have a solution to
all of our problems,
but you got to let me talk, okay?
Now, you guys are all
completely over-leveraged,
and that's the problem, right?
My investment,
this thing was only,
like, ten dollars a unit,
then it, like,
dropped down to basically nothing,
because it's a speculative
market, right?
I'm making a bet that the
SEC's not gonna regulate.
Of course, regulation's
gonna come in at some point,
it always does, but right now
it's completely unregulated.
Now, I'm not talking about
getting out over our skis,
I'm just talking about
making an investment tonight,
turn it around tomorrow
we'll net double.
Holy shit.
- That's money talk.
- Yeah.
- That's money talk.
- Where did you learn to talk like that?
Living with Frank, man.
I've been trying to tell you
that I'm picking up on this stuff.
So, look, guys,
let's pool all of our
remaining nut together
and turn it into a big pile of green,
and then everybody gets a taste.
Okay, I didn't love the sound
of that, but, uh
Was it unclear?
I was talking about, like,
a huge pile of green, like,
and everyone is, like
- Money talk?
- slurping that shit down.
Let's do it.
- Bam.
- Oh, wow.
- I've got a lot of questions.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Sure, sure. Go ahead.
- Now, Charlie,
did you take all of my money
- Mm-hmm.
- and invest it in a box
full of Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle Pies?
Yes. Very good, Dennis. Very good.
I wasn't sure you knew what they are.
Yeah, so these are, like, from 1991.
These are the original ones, right?
Super hard to find, super valuable.
- Are they?
- Oh, dude, big time. Right? So, here's what I'm thinking.
Could we turn these around tonight
and make a little profit?
Sure, but I say
we sit on them. Maybe we eat one or two.
This is exactly what
I was worried about.
Well, you're not
thinking big picture here.
- No, I'm thinking big pic
- All right, loan's due.
First installment.
And I'm armed
and I got a vest, so don't try nothing.
- What do you got there?
- 1991's delicious cream-filled
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pies,
fresh from the sewers to me.
Are they made from real turtle?
Probably.
How much you want for 'em?
They're not for sale, Frank.
Uh, mine mine are for sale.
I own some of those,
and mine are definitely for sale.
He has a very minimal share, Frank.
Ah.
Market dictates the value, Charlie.
Well
not when your demand is more than
the supply.
Fine, I'll get 'em somewhere else.
Will you?
Oh, I don't think so, Frank.
Oh uh-oh.
'Cause I bought the last
remaining ones there are.
No
Nice work.
And you kept it crypto.
You should have listened to me, Frank.
Fine.
Name your price.
Board up that new room
and the noisy toilet,
forgive Mac and Dennis's loan,
give Dee her apartment back,
and return everything to the status quo.
That's too big a ask.
That's inflation, Frank.
You want the pies or not?
Fine. Done.
- Good work, Charlie.
- Thank you very much, Frank.
I appreciate it.
Are you still eating the nuts?
Hmm?
Does he want to get to
the hospital or to Costco?
- Costco.
- He wants more nuts.
- Costco, yeah.
- You know what, buddy?
I think we'll take you to the hospital,
and they'll have nuts, and you can
you can die there.