Celebrity Juice (2008) s16e03 Episode Script

Word to your mum, I'm Keith Lemon and these are my not-new titles.
We'll change them in the next series.
There's Holly Willoughbooby in a giant clam.
Still got them bangers! There's Fearne Cotton, who pretends to hate me but secretly wants my babies.
And there's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy! We're all here in heaven but we're not dead, it's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great the show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on t'telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not 4K ready.
What the fuck is 4K? (CHEERING) All right! Yeah! Hoora-a-a-a-a-h! Welcome to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING) Fearne, who is on your team? On my left, I have Fred Sirieix from First Dates.
(CHEERING) He's back.
He's back.
And on my right, I have Corrie legend Sue Cleaver.
(CHEERING) Great team.
Now, before we go any further, I've got some bad news.
This is quite serious.
I went to see Holly before the show in her dressing room and it seems like she's had a little tipple.
I think we've got some CCTV footage of her in her room right now.
There she is.
There she is again.
Classic Willoughby.
It's a tragedy.
(LAUGHTER) Look at her.
Look at that.
Filling in for Holly Willoughboozy tonight is Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING) (GODFATHER THEME) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (MOUTHS) (CHEERING) (CHANTING) Gino! Gino! Gino! Buonasera, buonasera, buonasera.
It hasn't gone to his head, has it, at all? What the fuck are you dressed as? (LAUGHTER) Respect.
Eh? Respect.
Kiss the ring.
OK.
Eh, respect.
Lick my arsehole.
(LAUGHTER) You got a problem tonight.
(SPEAKS PRETEND ITALIAN) Holly, she's pissed again.
Don Gino.
Don Gino.
Who is on your team? On my left, she's beautiful, she's ri And, apparently, rumour has it, she's fucking Joey Essex.
(CHEERING) It's Stephanie Pratt.
(CHEERING) He's a loose cannon.
On my right, he's a man who is named after a a rubber glove.
It's Aston Merrygold.
(CHEERING) Welcome to the show.
I'm really looking forward to this situation.
Because this was quite a thing last time.
I didn't see the French (BLEEP).
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Ooohhh! (CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! What the hell are you doing here? Did you hear that? Nobody fucking said, "Frank.
" (FRENCH ACCENT) "Frank.
Frank.
Frank.
" Nobody said that.
Frank? He's not called Frank.
He is called Fred.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Last time you were on, you had a competition with Gino D'Acampo.
And I won.
Remember the Helicopterhead European championship? Do you remember what happened, Gino? Not really, no.
Can you remember what happened? I won.
You won.
Still a little piccino.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Audience, should they have a rematch? (CHEERING) Let's do it.
So later on the show tonight, Gino and Fred will be fencing.
How long do we need to put this fence up? (LAUGHTER) How long is thefence? Not put a fence up! Fencing, with the swords! Oh, the chi-chi-chi-ching! Wow! I like that! (MOCKS ACCENT) I like that.
Has he come with his carer? (LAUGHTER) She's a Corrie legend, she's an eager beaver, it's Sue Cleaver! (CHEERING) Didn't you nearly die recently? Your character.
Eileen.
Well, she might have done.
Yeah, I t What happened to her? She was on top of the roof and you tho was maybe going to push her over the top, but he didn't.
Is that Les Dennis? No, that's not.
That's Connor McIntyre.
Have you been out with Les Dennis? I have been out with his character.
It's very realistic.
Sometimes I think I'm watching a documentary.
We've got a picture of you with Les Dennis.
(LAUGHTER) I know Les Dennis.
A lovely fella.
What's it like kissing him? He's got very soft lips.
Ultimate professional.
You know.
Stick his tongue in? No, he didn't.
Not in there, anyway.
/ (LAUGHTER) Eh, she's all that, it's Stephanie Pratt.
(CHEERING) Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
You are a Juice virgin.
I am.
We've recently seen you on the telly on Celebs Go Dating, Where a group of celebrities go on dates with a member of the public.
Who did you end up with? A fireman? A plumber? A librarian? No, I just My dates just weren't that great.
And I kind of fell for a cast member, Joey.
You fell for Joey Essex! (CHEERING) Love Joey.
There you are.
What's it like, sort of dating Joey Essex? It's like the most fun ever.
All we do is laugh.
He's so sweet and thoughtful.
We want to get an exclusive, so we just want to ask you how far you've gone with him? (LAUGHTER) What base have you got to? Have you - are you holding hands? Duh.
Does that mean yes? Yes.
Kissing on the cheek? Yes.
What about the lips? Yes.
With tongues? Yes.
Ooh.
Are you breastfeeding? (LAUGHTER) (CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! Has he fed your horse? My horse? Has he fed your horse? You know when you feed the horse? (APPLAUSE) Yeah, everything's been fed.
(LAUGHTER) Nice.
You've got to come back on.
If you're still with him and you've learned all the Joey Essex We will be together f Really? It's serious? Definitely.
We said I love you.
You said I love you? Aw! Eyyyy! # Love me like you do # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! # Oh, oh, oh, oh (LAUGHS) It's Aston Merrygold! (CHEERING) Aston, recently you did The Island with Bear Grylls.
There you are.
What was that like? That was for Stand Up To Cancer, yeah? Yeah.
But you were threatening to leave? The show is fucking I love that show.
I love The Island.
It's great to watch.
But being there, pffft.
You got a new album coming out next month.
No, the album is out probably next year.
/font Well, what the fuck are you doing on now? Single's out! If you're watching this, watch it on catch up next year.
When the album is out.
You've got a single out now? The single's out.
We've got Why couldn't the graphic designer spell your name right? Just a thing where people love to put a H in my name.
Like an Ashton.
Ashton? Yeah.
It's not Austin.
It's not Ashton.
Nope.
font (LAUGHTER) So do you still see JLS? Yeah, we were all together last week.
We had a little, um We saw a picture on Instagram of you having a Sunday roast.
Look at that.
Yes! They are still friends.
That's nice.
We are still friends.
Me and the Juice guys, we all have a Sunday roast.
Don't we? Yeah.
We've got a picture of us having a Sunday roast.
(LAUGHTER) Look at us.
They had to pixelate your backside because your lips were hanging down.
I tell you what, before we go any further, let's check up on Holly.
We've just forgotten about her.
Let's go back to her.
What's she doing? Oh, no she's not going to Don't do it! Holly, don't do it! Ugh! I've always said it, face of an angel, arse of a tramp.
Wow.
So the other day I met up with my mate Dynamo, and he showed me a wicked trick.
Fred, do you want to see this trick? Yeah.
It's going to blow your mind.
Come to the front and I'll show you.
(APPLAUSE) So basically, he told me, if you get a household battery - it has to be one of the square ones, if you just rub it on your willy What it does it creates the effect of a magnet penis.
Really? Yeah.
I'll try it on you.
Have a go on you.
Oh! Mi piccolino! (MOCKS) Oh! Check it.
Check it.
Yeah.
See if it works.
(APPLAUSE) That's incredible.
Which gave me a great idea for a game called OK.
Sue will be playing with Fred, Steph will be playing with Gino.
What you've got to do is throw the metal items towards your fellow panellist.
You'll get a point for each one that sticks.
Excuse me? Yes? I see knives and forks there.
(LAUGHTER) He's scared.
They're metal objects.
Yes, but they're sharp metal objects.
Yes.
The objects have to be metal to stick, so just put your hands behind your back so they don't land in your hands and stab you and stick in.
Oh, so it's OK to land on my balls, but not on my hands? Are you ready? Yes.
You'll go on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) Go! Good! (CHEERING) Keep it on, keep it on! Big one! Big one! Get a big one! How's it going, Steph? (CHEERING) Watch and learn! Go faster, yeah! (CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Oh! Sue's having no luck with the big items, she's going back to the (KLAXON) (CHEERING) The winner is Gino's team! (CHEERING) (CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! It's time for one of my favourites, which is an oldie but goldie.
It's Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING) The subject is Aston.
Pizza.
Pasta.
Steph.
Gino.
(LAUGHTER) Sue.
Mott-a-meh-meh.
Eh? (LAUGHTER) Mott-a-meh-meh! (LAUGHTER) Piccolo.
Campo.
Aston.
Milan.
(INDISTINCT) (INDISTINCT) (INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT) Who? (BUZZER) Capelli.
Capelli.
Capelli.
Capelli.
(BUZZER) Aston.
Gino.
(BUZZER) Pa-pa-potti.
(LAUGHTER) (BUZZER) (LAUGHTER) Roberto Cavalli.
Lasagne.
Bresaola.
Bresaola.
(LAUGHTER) Tortellini.
(LAUGHS) Puccini.
Oh, shit, I'm out.
(BUZZER) The winner is Gino's team! (CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha ting! (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Steph, we got a little quiz here (ALARM) What's that? We need to evacuate the building.
Let's go, please.
There's a fire alarm going off so we have to leave.
Erm, sorry.
Erm.
We got an ad break, yeah? We're going to go to an ad break now.
We'll see you after the ad break, when we know what's gone on.
See you in three.
Have a cup of tea.
Is this real? Is it real? Coming up after t'break This is the back.
Nothing wrong with that.
Now we're going to do this.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Before the break when the fire alarm went off, we now know why it went off.
It was down to Holly Willoboozy in her dressing room.
Look at this.
There she is.
Smoking a bong! Fred, a lot has happened to you since you were last on Celebrity Juice.
Yeah.
You released a book.
There it is.
First Dates: The Art of Love.
Yep.
You won a BAFTA.
That's true.
font color="#f A few BAFTA winners on this show! Yeah, boy! Recognise! High five! Big up! Gino, how many BAFTAs have you got? None.
They will never give a BAFTA to me.
No, they won't.
As a collective, we have got one.
How? Cos Juice won one! Yeah.
You weren't on it then, so it does (LAUGHTER) Boom! Gino D'Acampo, are you still Gino 'Sheffield' D'Acampo? Yes, still am.
Last series, we let you do your own round, remember? Yes.
That was that awful fingery thing.
Yes, it was called Gino's Fingering Game.
Of course it was.
Gino, because he is team captain this week Pervert.
.
.
and he is a pervert, has come up with a game this week.
I have got a brand-new game.
I know that the BBC is looking since the Bake Off went to Channel 4.
What is it called?/fo Please press the button.
What are we going to play? This is what it is called.
(APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to The Great British Suck Off.
Yes, I am Gino D'Acampo and this is my co-host, Mr Keith Lemon.
I am so pleased you are watching my new show, my new game.
I hope you don't get sticky bottoms! It's soggy bottoms.
Huh? It's soggy bottoms.
You can't just, like, rob their catchphrases.
In this show, we have found the best suckers in the whole of the United Great Britain, who will competing in Have you written this? Who will competing in various sucking challenge to see who is the star sucker.
Fantastico! OK, so the first Great British Suck Off challenge is our signature challenge round.
It is called What Am I Sucking? First up to play is Sue Cleaver.
(APPLAUSE) Sue Cleaver, everybody! You look like the Hairy Bikers.
OK, what you have got to do is the signature challenge, which is very simple.
We are going to put something in your mouth.
You have to suck it and give us the ID of that item.
But there is a big twist.
You are going to be blinded.
You are going to blindfolded.
She is going to have a blindfold on.
She won't be blinded.
We put something on.
Yeah.
We are going to blindfold you.
You are not getting your cocks out, are you? I don't know.
This is Gino's game.
You will soon find out.
Sue Cleaver is just being blinded by Gino D'Acampo.
So, we have an item.
You put your hands behind you.
Don't touch me.
It's making me really nervous.
OK.
Open your mouth right now.
Can I just have a little lick first? OK.
(SHRIEKS) OK.
Don't be afraid.
Just put it on my lips for a minute.
No, that's part That's somebody's That is part of somebody.
That is seriously part of somebody.
You need to suck it.
You need to suck it to tell us what part it is.
Where is it? I don't want to.
Suck, woman! It's a nose! It's fucking Lemon's nose! Keith Lemon's nose! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, Sue Cleavage! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up to play, it's Aston! (APPLAUSE) One second.
Oh, look.
It's Aston.
We are not going to blind you.
Here you go, Aston.
Don't worry about it.
You are on my team.
You are going to be all right.
Thanks, mate.
Can you see us? No.
Very good.
(AS GINO) Very good.
Is very good.
AUDIENCE: Ohhh! No, no, no.
Aston, my dear friend.
No, no! Hands behind your back.
I am on your team! Would I do something to you? I would never do something to you.
Don't worry about it.
AUDIENCE: Ohhh! Come here.
Don't run away.
It's crazy, it's dangerous out there.
Just calm down.
That's it.
Ready? Open mouth.
No, no, no.
Wait.
Who said that? You went, 'Urgh!' OK.
So far so good.
Nothing there, Aston.
Suck, man! So far, so good.
This is the back.
Nothing wrong with that.
Now we are going to do this.
Get your tongue out.
AUDIENCE: Eughhh! Aston, there is no need for violence! (APPLAUSE) That is like A cake brush or Oh, you've got a bit on your teeth! You have got a bit on your teeth.
You are getting there.
What are other things you can brush? Oh, you are such a That's a toilet brush! Come back! Well done, Aston Merrygold! Why is everybody so difficult? OK, next is er What's his name? A very good friend of mine, Fred Sillysex! (APPLAUSE) Sillysex? We are going to blind you.
I have been waiting for this for a long time.
My little French (BLEEP).
(APPLAUSE) I will get you later on, don't worry about it.
OK.
AUDIENCE: Ohhh! Come on.
Put it in.
Come on.
I am waiting.
(MOUTHS) OK.
So, Frank, are you ready? Fred.
I am Fred.
Fred, are you ready? I was born ready, man.
Come on, if you dare.
Welcome to The Great British Suck Off.
If you are at home, everybody can do this game at home.
What you think it is? (YELPS) You bastard! I think it might just be a dildo.
I am sorry, we can't give you that.
What is it, then? A erarsehole plug.
Oh, nice! Dipped in wasabi.
So you got two things wrong.
(APPLAUSE) Fred, ladies and gentlemen! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I will see you at the fencing.
Go, go, go.
OK, taking part in tonight's technical sucking challenge is tonight's star sucker, Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne Cotton in her Mary Berry formation.
Why am I dressed as Mary Berry? It is part of the format.
Re Without Mary Berry, there is no format, is there? OK.
In this game, what you have got to do is blow into the teapot, spurting the tea out into the teacups.
Then you have to blow into the watering can and water Mary Berry's bush.
Are you any good at blowing? Very.
Very good.
The thing is, she is blowing, yes? Isn't this called The Great British Suck Off? Suck.
She is blowing.
Yeah.
When you get a blowjob, to they blow or do they suck? They suck.
The same thing, isn't it? No.
It's the same thing.
Run action.
Run action?! (KLAXON) There it is! (SPLUTTERS) Very good! Maybe you shouldn't blow with your nostrils.
Why don't you fuck off? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Very good.
We like this game.
We like this game.
Everybody at the BBC, if you are watching, you can call me anytime.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Amazing! One more.
Time to put something in here.
All right, all right.
This is got quite a wide girth.
Stick your nose in as well.
It will help.
Blow! Blow! (APPLAUSE) Let's see if you can make (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Suck-ing! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Make yourself a cup of tea, we'll see you in three.
That was so hard.
Coming up after the break AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! It's now time for the ultimate battle between France and Italy.
So let's play 'Fencing.
Just fencing.
' Just fencing.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice France versus Italy fencing championship here on ITV2 live pre-recorded.
For France, it's Fred Sillysex.
(CHEERING) Boo.
(BOOING) Fencing for Italy, we have Gino D'Acampo! (CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! So tonight, you will not only be playing for a point for your team, you will be playing for your reputation.
You will be able to go home proud of your country.
Gino D'Acampo.
Every time you hit Fred, you will get a point.
Where can I hit him? Can I hit him anywhere I want? Anywhere but the balls and the poolang.
What's a poolang? Your prick.
Oh.
It's called willy.
Yeah, yeah.
Channel all that anger in order to beat Fred, yes? I will beat him.
Let's have a chat to Fred.
Fred, I assume because you are French that you do fencing.
Yes, fencing comes from the word defence in French.
Ooh! I am just as confident as it comes.
So you challenge me to something that you are already good at it? font color="#ffff Remember, we are on television, so you do indeed have an allotted time.
Ready? Look at Fred.
Proper professional.
Before we start, let me just check in on Holly.
See how she's doing.
Aw, Holly.
Holly is now having a shit into Fearne's handbag.
Nice one, Holly.
OK.
Go on the klaxon.
Ready? (KLAXON) Yes, yes! Swing, swing! French bastard! (LAUGHS) Yes! Wait a second, time out.
Time out, time out, time out.
Calm down.
Remember, it's just for fun.
Just for fun.
Just for fun.
Remember, it's a bit of fun for telly.
It's like two teenage boys playing in the bedroom and a fight gets out of hand.
Just a bit of fun.
Ready? Count of three.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) (CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! One second.
Win.
Gino's fucked.
(LAUGHTER) Go backwards.
(LAUGHTER) "Go backwards.
" Fencing.
Go backwards.
Ready? Parry, parry! (LAUGHS) (CHANTS) Gino! Gino! Gino! Yes, it looks like Fred has definitely done fencing before.
Yes, Gino! (KLAXON) That's it! (CHEERING) That's it, that's it.
That was very impressive.
It was good fencing, but the winner of that round, not necessarily the show, was Fred Sillysex.
Woo! 18 points! 18 points! That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is I can tell you, Gino.
It would be fantastic if you won tonight.
But you haven't! It was Fearne's team! (CHEERING) Yay! I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # Non, rien de rien # Non, je ne regrette rien # Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait # Ni le mal # Tous ca m'est bien egal # See you next week!