It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s16e04 Episode Script

1
In the burning heart ♪
Just about to burst,
there's a quest ♪
[CHARLIE] Frank! Frank,
come on, man! We got to go!
- We got to go!
- Oh, what?
Come on, man, we're gonna miss it.
- Wake up, wake up. Come on.
- Wh-What?
- Right away!
- Okay.
Guys, make way. Make way, please.
- Hey, wait, no, no, please.
- Cutting it pretty close there, pal.
Ah, I feel like I got to take a shit.
No, no, no, no, no.
There's no time for that.
- Oh, God, excuse me. Come on.
- [CHARLIE] No, no, no, no, no autographs.
- I'm not ready for this.
- Listen, listen.
- You got it, you got it, you got it.
- Listen to me.
- Back off, back off.
- Frank, you are ready.
Everything you need
is already inside you.
[CHARLIE] Move. No, out of the way.
[HEART BEATING]
♪
- Dennis, please. Just
- God, no.
Please, please. Pretty
please, just help me.
No! No, Mac.
I'm not helping you, okay?
Stop talking to me about Johnny.
Well, hey, I could help
you with your guy troubles.
- [SCOFFS]
- [LAUGHS]
No, thanks, Dee. You suck with men.
Tell that to the guy leaving
my apartment this morning.
That's right. Your girl got
her guts pumped last night.
Oh, my God, that is disgusting.
- Your guts pumped?
- Aren't you, like, 60?
- You're not a girl.
- Yeah, come on, Dee. This is insane.
- I mean really.
- Who talks like that?
And, by the way, anybody can
get a guy to bang them once.
Okay, well, I guarantee you
he'll be coming back for seconds.
In fact, he pulled an old move of mine.
He took my phone "by mistake"
so that he could see me again.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
- [DEE] Mm-hmm.
- How's he gonna call you?
- Dennis, can you help me get my phone
- No.
- Dennis, Dennis, I need your help really quick, man.
- No!
Do you remember when we stole a
restaurant buzzer the other day?
I can't find it anywhere. It's a
matter of national security here, man.
Oh, yes, no, no, I'm sure, yeah.
You know what? Maybe it's in
the back office. Let me check
the back office. Frank, let
me check the back office.
Hey, uh, Frank, could you
help me with something?
- Yeah.
- Are you kidding?
You want Frank's help
with your guy troubles?
He's insanely homophobic.
Huh? Not anymore.
No, once Mac did the dance,
then I get it. I get the gay thing.
He gets it. He's an ally now.
Okay, so, Frank, I need
some relationship advice.
- Yeah.
- I'm having some issues
- with this guy that I'm dating.
- Yeah.
- I want to take it to the next level, you know,
- Right.
by actually meeting this guy.
What, you've never met the guy?
No, never met him,
never spoken with him, never seen him,
but it's not weird because
we're in constant communication
through the beads.
- The beads?
- Oh, yes. The extra-large anal beads
that I shoved up my butt,
and Johnny can control them
via an app on his phone.
And when I feel the buzz,
I know it's time to go to the motel
and wait. It's very romantic.
Uh, yes, he's never
actually showed up before,
but one day he will,
and it's going to be hot.
That's it. I'm out.
I'm out. That's it. I don't
get it. I am never gonna get it.
- Beads? You never said anything about beads.
- Let me-let me explain it again.
- What beads?
- It's beads that go into my ass.
The dance never said
anything about no beads.
Frank, I found it. I
found it. I found it.
Let's get the hell out of here.
We got it, guys, we're good.
- [FRANK] Anal beads up his ass.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Dennis, can you please
help me get my phone back?
- 'Cause I need my phone.
- No, Dennis, help me, though. Help me because
- I need help
- No, you are beyond help, okay?
- You let a stranger hack your butthole. Dennis
- Enough! Enough.
It is clear that I'm not going
to get a moment's peace until
I foist you two off on someone else,
so, fine, I will help you.
- Okay. Okay.
- Oh, yeah! All right, all right, let's go.
This is all I could find.
Yeah, no, this is good. Um
Okay, are there, like, a pair
of, like, weird spy glasses
- in here or anything?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Aw, shit.
- They dropped all those charges weeks ago. Wh
Call you back.
Hey, what are you guys doing
with all my research equipment?
Charlie and Frank are gonna play spies.
Yeah, well, we're not playing spies,
we're playing chess, okay?
There's a Russian
grandmaster coming to town.
I'm entering Frank in the tournament,
and then he's gonna
rise through the ranks,
and he's gonna beat this
guy's ass, USA style.
So, I need the glasses, Uncle Jack,
because Frank's got to be
able to transmit me the board
while I play along on a computer
and I signal him the moves
with the restaurant buzzer.
No, stop, stop, stop.
Uh, you're gonna break it.
This is, uh, very sensitive equipment.
Right, yeah, okay. [SIGHS]
Look, do you have the
spy glasses or not, dude?
Fine. I'll let you borrow
them, but I'm coming with.
Okay? I don't want you
breaking any of this.
- A play date.
- [SIGHS]
- Goddamn it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Like we used to.
- We never did.
- Ah You don't remember.
- Man, we never did.
I mean, what is taking
Uncle Jack so long?
- Well, why don't we just go in?
- ["POP GOES THE WEASEL" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Hang on.
- What the
- Is that-is that him?
Holy shit.
[CHARLIE] Uh, Uncle Jack,
what-what is this?
- My ice cream truck.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
You know, I-I have, like,
a side business. [CHUCKLES]
Ugh. All right, fine. You know
what? Actually, this could work.
- You got the spy glasses?
- Yeah. Here they are.
- Glasses.
- Here's how this goes.
- Frank, you got the buzzer?
- Yeah, I got the buzzer.
All right, so Frank's got a
buzzer in his pocket, okay?
- I'm gonna put it in my pocket.
- So, he'll hover his hand over the piece,
you know, one buzz for
yes, two buzzes for no,
three if you need him to switch
to a different piece, okay?
Same goes for where
to put it down. Got it?
- Okay. Yup.
- You clear?
- Give me a Push Pop, will you?
- And get him a Push Pop.
What? Oh, no, I-I don't
have any ice cream.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God. All right, fine.
Just just
- get to your spot and play the Ugh.
- [UNCLE JACK] Okay.
Hey, I'll be watching you.
- [LAUGHS]
- [CHARLIE GROANS]
[HONKS]
Hm [MUTTERS]
Should I go here?
- [BUZZES TWICE]
- Mm. Or should I go
- here?
- [BUZZES TWICE]
[UNCLE JACK] Charlie, don't
look at the kid, look at the board.
Actually, one quick look at the kid
again, so I can get a screen grab.
- Gross, no, man, no.
- No? No?
I No, not you. Sorry.
Talking to the voices in my head, so
- [UNCLE JACK] Stay on the board.
- Yup. Yes.
Don't mind my friend.
He's schizophrenic.
- I am, yeah.
- [SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [UNCLE JACK] Got it.
- Go eh
[BUZZES ONCE]
Boom. I took your little castle-y thing.
- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS] Suck on that, boy!
If he does, let me get
another screen grab.
Shut up, dude. That's gross, man.
- [STAMMERS] Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- [ATTENDANT] Sir?
Uh, sir, may I have a word with you?
Um, absolutely not because
I'm in the middle of watching
a game of chess.
Uh, there is no alcohol
allowed on the premises.
What? Wh-What do you mean?
Like, I got to drink wine or something?
[CHUCKLES] No alcohol at all.
At a sporting event?
[SCOFFS] That's crazy.
Fine, dude. Here you go. [SIGHS]
Frank, I'm gonna have to find
some way to sneak beer in here.
Excuse me?
Dude, are you still here? Go away.
I gave you the beer, man.
Now, as you're both aware,
I have a foolproof system
for attracting a woman.
But I also have a foolproof
system for attracting a man.
- [LAUGHS] Aw, awesome.
- No way.
- Why? - How come?
- Shh, shh.
Shh. Shh.
Okay. Now, it begins
with me setting you both
up with nice, normal dates.
You will begin by greeting them
with the traditional pleasantries.
Very nice to meet you, Patrick.
Kyle, it's a pleasure.
Pleasure's all mine.
[DENNIS] I'll be nearby, of course,
to make sure nothing goes awry.
Step one.
S suppress your instincts.
See, your first instinct is going
to be to try to make yourself
seem awesome to him, but that's wrong.
'Cause this isn't about you.
This is a man we're talking about.
It's always about him.
Okay? So, you're going to
I inflate his ego.
Make him feel like he's
awesome, he's funny,
he's the most interesting
person in the room.
You're the most interesting
person in this room.
Uhp, uhp, uhp. Hi.
[LAUGHS] Hello.
I just wanted to come
over and introduce myself.
I'm-I'm the manager
- of the establishment.
- Yes, I was just saying
that he's the most
interesting man in the room.
Yeah. You know, it's
I-I caught that, actually,
and I wanted to say to
you that, uh, Mac does,
in fact, know everyone here,
which he would, of course,
have to in order to have
said something like that.
[LAUGHS] So, it's meaningful.
Now, once your man's feeling important,
you're gonna show him that you
N need his power.
Mm.
See, every man's greatest fear
is that he's a pussy.
- [DEE] Mm.
- You need to make him feel powerful.
Oh, boy. [GRUNTS]
Oh man. I just can't
seem to get this open.
- Do you think you could help me out?
- Sure.
[SOFT CHUCKLE]
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, this is really on tight.
- [GRUNTING]
- Uh, are you-are you being serious?
Oh, Christ, Bozo, give
it back to me. I'll do it.
Wai No, no. Uh, no.
Yeah, it's You can't.
You can't. You couldn't.
No one could, because these bottles
[CLEARS THROAT] are all, uh
they're defective and un-openable.
Yeah, there's been a
recall, actually. See?
It's-it's impossible. Nobody could
[STRAINING] get
these open today. [LAUGHS]
- Mm.
- You know what? You do look very, very strong.
[SIGHS] You mind giving
this one more shot for me?
Let's see if you can get it.
- [DEE] Oh!
- [DENNIS] Whoa.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Now that your man's feeling powerful,
on top of the world, you must
rip it away from him.
You're going to N negate his power.
Yeah, but this needs to be subtle.
A man's ego is fragile.
The goal here is to make
him feel that he may be a
tad bit inadequate,
in comparison, maybe, to a former lover.
- Yes? But don't lay it on too thick.
- Oh.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- Subtle.
I used to fuck LeBron James.
- [SNORTS, COUGHS]
- Oh, God.
Now, even if things have gone
a little off the rails at this point,
we can get things back
on track with a classic.
E engage physically.
- Hey-o.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
But you got to make sure
that your physical engagement
is appropriate to the environment, okay?
Your demeanor wants to
remain elegant and classy.
- Right.
- Mm. Got it.
What are you doing?
I'm grabbing your ding-dong.
No!
No, yeah. That's, uh
And now for the final step,
the most profound move
of the entire system.
[CHUCKLES]
D.
"Do you want a tissue?"
- Huh?
- Huh?
You see, with this one
simple but profound question,
you instantly transport
this man back to a time
when he was a tiny,
snot-nosed little bitch
who depended on the most
important person in his life
for absolutely everything.
The person who inflated his ego,
who made him feel powerful,
but also powerless.
The person whose validation
he's been seeking his entire life.
Guys,
the way to make a man
fall in love with you
is to make him feel
like you are
his mommy.
Well, it's getting late.
Yeah. Yeah, we should probably call it.
I have, uh, one thing
that I'd like to ask you.
Um do you need a tissue?
Do you need a tissue?
- What?
- What?
- You need a tissue.
- You need a tissue.
Oh. Oh, really? Ah
Ah, just That's-that's embarrassing.
- [BLOWS NOSE]
- Hang on, all right, stop it.
There we go. Come here.
There we go.
Now my little man is
all ready for his day.
[DENNIS] Before, they wanted
nothing more than this date to be over.
But now they can't help but ask
Hey, um, any chance
Would you want to
do this again
sometime?
Mm.
- It worked.
- And there you have it.
That, my friends, is
the SINNED system.
- Oh!
- Whoa!
- Oh, ho!
- Amazing.
- Crazy creepy, though, with all the mom stuff
- Oh, yeah, very creepy.
and the name's a
little heavy-handed.
Yeah, took a-took a lot to get there.
It's not as clean as the DENNIS system.
Well, but listen, the DENNIS system
that's a system for getting a woman.
This is a system for getting a man,
and that's why SINNED is actually
- DENNIS backwards.
- [DEE GASPS]
Oh, my God! [LAUGHS]
- That's amazing.
- How-how did that line up like that?
- Yeah, like, what are the odds, though?
- [DEE] Oh, wow.
What do you The odds of what?
What are the odds that
the steps to the system
would be DENNIS backwards
and that they would spell
out the word "sinned?"
High! High. 'Cause I made it up.
- Oh! Yeah, he did it on purpose.
- Oh, my He made it up.
- Hey-o!
- Hey-o!
Hey, hey, hey!
What's up, guy You
know what, I got to say,
I am, I'm still, like,
buzzing from last night.
- Got a little hairy there for a second, didn't it?
- [DEE] Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, but we pulled it off.
- We sure did!
- We really did.
- We really did.
- Success.
All right, so talk to me,
when are those second dates?
Ooh, yeah, no, that's not happening.
What do you mean, that's not happening?
Well, I got home last night,
and, I, uh, found myself
real horny, so I popped a
couple of Mommy's magic beans
and headed over to Kyle's house.
Roofies. I roofied myself.
Yeah, not 100% sure if we plowed or not,
but I do know I got this.
You stole his phone.
- Yeah, well, I'll be honest
- Aw
the details are a bit hazy, still,
but I do know I stole somebody's phone.
- And you?
- Oh, I'm not doing it either.
- Yeah!
- Okay, but I have a good reason, Dennis.
I have a really good reason,
'cause I'm not a-a rapist
and a thief like Dee is.
I'm-I'm just a boy in love.
I'm just a boy in love with Johnny,
and I realized that
I-I have to be with him.
Well, no, see,
that's-that's the thing
Johnny doesn't love you.
He doesn't even like you.
- You don't know him.
- No, no, no.
You don't know him.
- I know him better than you.
- Do you? Because I am him.
What?
I invented Johnny as a means
of getting you out of the apartment
when you were irritating me.
I don't understand.
Okay, like, when "Johnny" sent you out
to go get those soft-shell crabs,
- you remember that? Yeah.
- Yeah.
And he was supposed to
meet you, but he didn't.
- No.
- He ghosted you, right?
And so, you came sauntering back
in the house and all depressed,
and I was like, "Well,
I tell you what, buddy,
I'll eat the soft-shell
crabs. They are my favorite."
And I said, "Oh, my
God, what a coincidence
because they're-they're
Johnny's favorite, too."
- Yeah, because I am Johnny.
- Then who's Dennis?
- What do you mean?
- Well, if you're Johnny, then who who's you?
I'm Dennis! I've always been Dennis.
L-L-Let me This is gonna make
it all clear. This is my phone
- Don't want to get into this
- and when I push a certain button
- Wait, hold on. H-Hold on a second.
- [BUZZING]
- What, what?
- Johnny's buzzing me. I got Look.
- No, I pushed the button.
- I haven't heard from him in a while,
and I'm going to the motel.
I got to meet him, Mac.
- I'm sorry.
- It's not Johnny. I pushed the button on my phone
I can't engage with
you on this right now.
- I got to-I got to go see Johnny.
- Dennis! Dennis. I need your help, man.
- I need your help, big-time.
- No, no!
I am done helping people.
Dude, we're so close,
man. We're in the finals.
- Yeah? I don't care.
- [CHARLIE] And there's no way
I'm gonna be able to sneak
a restaurant buzzer in now.
Okay, you know what? You're
not gonna stop talking.
- So, I-I'm just
- Yes No, I'm not, because,
- Dennis, I need your help. Look, I've
- I don't care.
been controlling Frank using
the restaurant buzzer, okay?
- Wait a-wait a whoa, what
- And it's the perfect plan.
Hold on a second.
Sorry, did you just say you've been
controlling Frank like a pawn in a game?
Like a puppet?
Uh, I didn't say any of
those words, but yeah.
I've been-I've been controlling
Frank, uh, in chess, yes.
Very interesting.
And Frank's been aware of
the puppetry the entire time?
Yeah, of course. He's in on
it. But dude, it's over, right?
Unless you know a way I can sneak
something into this
tournament that vibrates.
I think I may have a way, but, uh
Frank's not gonna like it.
- Dee.
- [DEE] Mm.
Got any more of those magic beans?
Yeah.
'Cause we're gonna need
to turn the lights out.
- [CHARLIE] Frank! Frank, get up!
- [FRANK] Wow, what
- Wake up! Wake up, man! We're late!
- Okay. What?
- We're gonna miss it, dude.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]
- Move. No, out of the way.
Jesus, Frank. Cutting it
pretty close there, pal.
[FRANK] Ah, feel like
I got to take a shit.
- What? You got to sh Don't shit, don't shit.
- [DENNIS] No, no, no.
- There's no time for that.
- [FRANK] I'm not ready for this.
No, listen to me, listen
to me. You are ready.
Everything you need
is already inside you.
[CHARLIE] Move. No, out of the way.
[HEART BEATING]
- [GRUNTS]
- The excitement here is palpable.
[WOMAN] At last, the moment
we've all been waiting for,
Mr. Reynolds is about
to make his first move.
- [CLAPPING]
- [CHARLIE] You got this, Frank!
You got this, man!
[EXHALES]
[LAUGHS] I don't know what I'm doing.
Frank, trust your gut.
- [SOFT BUZZ]
- Ooh.
Oh.
- [SOFT BUZZ]
- [GROANING]
He seems a little uncomfortable, Susan.
Just think about the incredible amount
of pressure he's feeling right now.
- [BUZZING]
- Oh
[STAMMERS]
- [BUZZING]
- Ho, ho.
Ho, ho!
- [EXCLAIMING]
- [LAUGHS] Yes. Yes.
- [EXTENDED BUZZING]
- [STRAINS] Oh.
- Oh, God, no.
- [SUSAN] Mr. Reynolds seems to be going through
a range of emotions while
contemplating his first move.
You don't have to do this.
You don't have to do it.
S-Should I go here?
- [SHORT BUZZING]
- Oh
Uh There?
[EXTENDED BUZZING]
Oh!
[SHOUTS]
[WHISPERS] Take your
time, take your time.
Take your time. Take your time.
[LAUGHING]
♪
[SHOUTS]
[LAUGHS]
You don't have to do this!
Should I go there? Aah!
[CACKLING]
[GRUNTS] Hey, Dennis.
Oh, man, I had the
craziest night last night,
'cause I think I, like,
blacked out, and then,
when I woke up, I think
that Johnny broke up with me,
- 'cause he was gone.
- Mac, I can't do this right now.
- [BUZZING]
- Here?
[GRUNTS] Here?
Don't lose your shit,
man. Don't lose your shit.
A language warning for
anybody watching at home.
[FRANK] Ho! Aah, aah, aah! Oh!
- [SNARLING]
- Nice.
I am Johnny! I don't
know how else to tell you!
Look, I have the texts.
I will show you the texts.
Look, these are the texts that
I sent to you from my phone.
Oh, my God. You have Johnny's phone.
- This is my
- Give it to me.
- Give me Johnny's phone.
- Goddamn it! - Whoa, whoa.
- [BUZZING]
- [SCREAMING]
You motherfucker!
[DISTORTED YELLING]
[ALARM BLARING]
[DENNIS] Oh, God.
It won't it won't go down.
What have you done?
[WHOOPS] Take my king. Take my king.
Take him. Take it. Take it.
[GRUNTING]
Oh
[HEART BEATING]
[MARK] Kd2! Kd2!
That is checkmate. What a
brilliant endgame by Reynolds.
- He won?
- He won! [LAUGHS]
- Frank won?
- [GRUNTING]
There's a quest for answers,
an unquenchable thirst ♪
Get it out! Get it out!
- God. Take it out, take it out.
- [CHARLIE] You did it, Frank!
- Frank, you did it! You beat the Russian!
- Take it out. Take it out.
- You beat the Russian!
- Stop it, stop.
Stop this, Charl It's gonna
split me in half, Charlie.
- He won! He won!
- [LAUGHS]
- USA! USA!
- Kill the Wi-Fi! Kill the Wi-Fi!
- USA! USA!
- Kill it. Kill the Wi-Fi!
- [LAUGHS]
- Kill the Wi-Fi!
- [CACKLES]
- Ooh. Ooh.
In the warrior's code ♪
There's no surrender ♪
Though his body says stop ♪
His spirit cries, "Never!" ♪
Deep in our soul, a quiet ember ♪
Knows it's you against you ♪
It's the paradox ♪
That drives us on ♪
It's a battle of wills ♪
In the heat of attack ♪
It's the passion that kills ♪
The victory is yours alone. ♪
[CROWD CHANTING BACKWARDS]