Live at The Apollo (2004) s16e06 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome your host
for tonight, Jen Brister!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to Live At The Apollo!
CHEERING
What an absolute treat it is to be
here tonight.
Look, performing in a theatre! Eh?
Who would have thought it? Let me
tell you, as stand up comedians,
we have not been performing in
theatres for the last 18 months.
Everything but, actually.
We've been performing in,
I don't know, pub gardens,
car parks, sheds, skips.
We're even doing gigs online.
Oh, my God, I still now
cannot believe that anyone
would want to pay to watch me
do stand up comedy on Zoom.
Do you know what I mean? I know
for a fact that if you'd said to
any of those people a couple
of years earlier,
"Hello, mate, do you see that middle
aged beige lesbian over there?
"Do you fancy watching her having
a breakdown in front of a laptop?"
LAUGHTER
They'd have said
"I don't think so, mate.
I think I'll swerve that."
I can't be bothered with
it all any more.
I've got off Facebook.
I've had enough of it.
I tell you what I've had enough
about with Facebook and, you know,
and Instagram, is people putting up
those very sort of
attention-seeking,
passive-aggressive posts.
You know, there's always someone
that you follow on social media
that you can't stand.
But you follow them because they
put up those really annoying posts
and then you can phone a friend
about it. You know the ones I mean?
"Mate, get on Facebook. Yeah,
have a little cheeky look now.
"I know. What a bell end!"
You just love to hate them.
They put up posts that go
a bit like this,
"I'm going through a really hard
time at the moment.
"I don't know how I'm going
to get through the day.
"But I can't tell you
what's happened."
Fine, don't.
I don't give a shit, love.
You look at those, you think,
"No-one's going to fall for that."
"How obviously attention
seeking is that?" Yeah?
You think, "No-one will fall
for that."
Maybe you log off Facebook.
You forget about it. Yeah?
Maybe you log on a couple
of hours later and you realise
that everybody's fallen
for it, because underneath that post
is like, pfffhhhh!
300 comments underneath of people
saying stuff like this,
"Hey, babe!"
"Babe!"
"Just know that you're
wonderful, beautiful person.
"I'll always be there for you!"
"Babe, I know you can
get through this
"because you are an amazing person."
"Babe, I'll be your BFF forever.
hashtag hugs!"
Takes all my willpower
and self-control
not to put my own little cheeky
comment underneath that post, yeah?
Something a bit more like this.
"Hey, babe, I'm so sorry to hear
you're going through
"such a hard time at the moment,
but I just thought you should know,
"things are going really well
for me."
"Hashtag Schadenfreude. Aha!"
Got to be a bit optimistic, though,
in life, particularly as a parent.
I've got children, I've got twins,
and parenting is hard.
Particularly, I think,
at the moment.
We're 21st century parents,
we're parenting very differently
to the generation before my parents,
there seems to be a compulsion
to ask our children's opinions
and ask them questions.
"What do you think?
What are your feelings?"
I don't know about
the rest of you,
but I don't remember my mum
asking me a goddamn thing.
Particularly middle class parents.
Walk past any school
or any playground, you just see
parents going,
"Darling, listen. Mummy and Daddy
are thinking about where to go
"on holiday. We'd love to go
to the south of France,
"but I remember you saying
you like Cornwall."
"Listen, next week, Mummy's
having her coil taken out,
"what do you think
she should replace it with?
"The withdrawal method,
or the pill?"
"Do you think society is ready for
a black James Bond? I don't know."
"Now, listen. At the next election,
Mummy's not sure which way
"to vote. Should she follow
her conscience,
"or vote for Boris Johnson?
He seems like a lot of fun!"
Don't ask them. They don't know,
OK? Don't ask them.
I mean, I do it,
I'm guilty of it myself.
I will ask my children
what they want for dinner.
I'll produce a menu for them.
"What would you like?
"Fish and chips?
Spaghetti Bolognese."
My mum never bothered with that.
My Spanish, dogmatic mother
never bothered with that.
When I was a kid, if I asked
my mother what was for dinner,
she would say "dinner".
"Dinner is for dinner."
And if, after my mother had lovingly
prepared a meal and placed it
in front of me, I had had
the temerity to say to her,
"Nah, I don't like it,"
she would have turned to me
and she would have said
"You do like it."
And that was the end of that.
I love my mother very much.
She was living with me.
She was living with me
for six months.
I always find it interesting
when I tell people that my mum
was living with me,
because I'd always get
a very different response from men
then I got from women.
If I tell blokes that my mum
was living with me, the response
was nearly always like this
"Because I love my mum."
When I tell women, the response
was more like this,
"I would kill myself."
"I would shoot myself
in the face."
"How much do you drink? You've got
to drink. Keep drinking, mate.
"You'll never survive it.
Just drink, drink, drink."
Just in case there's any confusion
in the room here,
particularly with the men
Just to let you know, you've got
a different relationship
with your mum to the one that we do.
Now, I realise I'm making
a generalisation here,
I understand that. But I think
on the whole that this stands up.
Mothers and sons, very different
from mothers and daughters, OK?
Now, if I was to encapsulate
that relationship,
mothers and sons,
it would be like this
"Mummy loves you very much."
"No, darling, you don't do anything.
Mummy will do it for you."
"Stop it. Mummy's going to bring it
you over to you, silly."
"Listen, you just go out, you
achieve, you do whatever you want,
"because Mummy believes in you.
"My kisses for my very special boy."
IMITATES KISSES
IMITATES KISSES
"Come back here."
Mothers and daughters
is a bit more like this
"You look fat in that."
I'm just saying there's a bit
more judgment there, OK?
That's all I'm saying.
I'm being slightly disingenuous
because, truthfully, my biggest
supporter is my mum, OK?
And let me tell you,
as a stand up comedian,
it hasn't all been the highs
of Live At The Apollo.
This has been a long old road.
I've been doing this
for nearly 20 years.
Well, I'm lying.
I've been doing this for 20 years.
And, you know, there've
been times where I've thought,
"I don't know if I can do this,
this is too hard."
There was too much rejection
and I would say to my mum,
"Do you know what?
"I think I'm going to sack this
whole stand-up comedy off."
And my mum would say to me
SPANISH ACCENT: "No, Yennifer. No!
"You must not eh-stop
eh-stand up comedy, OK?
"You keep going.
You can achieve this.
"You can do this, Yennifer,
I believe in you.
"You want to know why, Yennifer?
"You are talented,
but you want to know why?
"It's your face."
"You have a funny face."
"Sometimes, Yennifer, I look
at your face and I laugh."
I don't know how my mum
coped with four children,
I can't cope with two.
And it was hard in lockdown,
wasn't it?
It was hard. And to know
what to do with your children,
half the time.
People got really upset
when the playgrounds got closed.
Not me. I was delighted.
I hate playgrounds.
Have you been to a playground?
And if you don't have kids, what are
you doing at a playground, mate?
That's weird.
You might not know this
if you don't have children,
but there is nothing for you
to do there.
And they know, they know
that grown ups are there,
they know that adults are there, but
there's nothing for you to do there.
And you're not just say
for a couple of hours,
you're there for days,
weeks, months.
You're there for years
of your life and you're bored
out of your bloody brain.
Just thinking,
"Jesus Christ,
has time stood still?"
You think they'd create
some sort of makeshift sheds
where they're selling neat gin,
but there's nothing, nothing,
to distract you from the tedium
of being in a playground.
And for the first two years
of your children's lives,
you have to follow them around
these places,
because you don't want them to die.
So you're like, "Darling,
please be careful on the apparatus,
"on the climbing Mamma's here.
Mamma will catch you."
But you know what? My children
are six now, nearly seven.
You think, "Great"
You can just piss off!"
"Yeah! Piss off and leave me alone
to my thoughts!"
They don't, do they?
They don't, because somehow,
we've created two little
narcissists!
So it's not enough that they're
up a slide,
if I'm not fucking watching them!
All you can hear in the playground
is this
"Look at me, look at me,
look at me, look at me!
"look at me, look at me,
look at me, look at me!
"Mum, look at me, look at me,
look at me, look at me!
"Mum, I'm going to get
on the slide.
"Will you watch me get
on the slide?"
"Mamma's going to watch you get
on that slide, darling.
"Oh. Well done.
"Really well done, darling,
that was absolutely wonderful."
"Mum, I'm going to go down the
slide again, will you watch me?"
"I'm watching you go
down that slide down side, darling.
"You're not watching me!"
"I am. I'm totally watching you."
"I'm going down again,
are you going to watch me?!
"I'm going to watch you go down.
"Oh! Twice in a row.
How did you do that?"
"What an achievement!
Absolutely incredible, darling."
"Mu, I'm going to go down the slide
again! Are you going to watch me?"
"I'm going to go down the slide."
"I tell you what Mamma's
going to do."
"Pffhhhhh, pffhhhhh, pffhhhhh."
"Pffhhhhh."
"Could not give a fuck, mate."
"You know what that's called?
Gravity. Grow up."
Ladies and gentlemen, are you
ready to welcome onto the stage
your first act for this evening?
CHEERING
Please welcome Esther Manito!
Hello! Yes!
Yes, Apollo!
Oh, my God, I am so excited
to be here!
Honestly, I cannot tell you,
I cannot tell you how many times
across my career I have pretended
to walk through those doors.
Literally every Thursday,
when I'm doing the big shop,
I'm dragging my kids
through the automatic doors
at the supermarket, screaming,
"Hello, Waitrose!"
Which proper winds them up.
Mainly because it's a Aldi's.
We all know what we're dealing
with here.
I've come to the conclusion,
I genuinely have,
I've come to the conclusion
there is a massive difference,
there is a huge difference between
people that are in, like, you know,
they're starting out a new
relationship, just starting out
on that path to settling down,
compared to us gnarled mares
that have been with the same person
for years and years and years
and years and years.
Cos all my mates who are like
six months into a relationship,
maybe a year, and they've
just moved in together,
they're all over social media.
They're all posting these posts
on Instagram.
They're all like, "Oh, I just love
the fact that me and my boyfriend
"both work from home. Aaahhh!
"I just love the fact we have all
this quality time together! Ahhh!
"Oh, my God, I love
the fact that at lunchtime
"we go for lovely country walks.
"We've both discovered
veganism - hashtag organic.
"Here's a picture of us
for Instagram
"having sex on a bed of sourdough,
which he made.
"Hashtag, well-trained. Aahhh!"
"Hashtag, the one. Hashtag,
I love him. Hashtag, my best friend.
"Hashtag, my soulmate.
Hashtag, forever.
"Hashtag, I tell everyone
I'm a feminist,
"but I still use a man to validate
my existence on social media."
Hashtag, hashtag, hashtag, hashtag!
I've been married 15 years
and every single time my husband
walks through the front door,
I'm like, "Do you have to?"
Doesn't matter where
I hide his keys,
he still burrows his way back in.
I call him the boomerang.
But I get it. I get it.
I get it when something's new,
and you're excited,
you boast about it on social media.
We all do it.
Honestly, when the pandemic hit
and they shut all the schools,
I was one of those morons.
I was there all over Instagram,
boasting about what a brilliant
home-schooling mum I'd be.
I was there posting pictures
of all these resources
from Hobby Craft, and I was like,
"Oh, my God,
"I'm going to be the best
home-schooling mum in the world.
"Oh, my God, we're going
to learn Japanese.
"And we're going to learn
about all the different cuisines
"of the world, and we're going
to go for country walks
"and learn about all the different
types of trees
"and identify different
types of leaves."
Cut to four hours later, I'm stood
over my kids with a can of petrol
going, "I will burn this house
to the ground,
"if you don't learn to use finger
spaces in your writing!"
My son's just sat there going,
"Look, mum,
"I'm absolutely smashing
my numbers."
I'm like, "Oh, God, son,
we were doing the alphabet."
And my husband, my husband, right
And I've talked to a lot of mums,
so I know I'm not alone in this.
I know he isn't the only one.
What he did, right, like a lot
of dads up and down the country,
he just took one look at this chaos,
picked up his laptop and was like,
"No, sorry, I can't get involved."
"No, I've got a very important
call for work."
"I might do that."
"Just you do it."
"Also, I don't want to."
Meanwhile, I'm scurrying
around my own house,
doing the cooking, the cleaning,
the laundry, entertaining
and educating the children
like some kind of demented
Dickensian governess. I started
saying stuff to my kids like,
"Don't disturb Father
in the study, children."
Then it comes down at lunchtime
for a sandwich and the kids
act like Kanye West has just
walked in. They're like,
"Wahey! Look who it is!
It's the fun one. We love him.
"He's brilliant. Oh, he's amazing.
Oh, so much fun. Yeah.
"You could take
a leaf out of his book. Yeah."
"Not as naggy as you, yeah.
He's brilliant."
I'm like, "That man's been as much
use as a sponge screwdriver
"for the last six months!"
Right. I'll leave you with this.
I went for a smear test.
Now, guys, just before I get
into this, don't worry,
it's not going to be graphic.
It's not going to be graphic,
because honestly, four weeks ago
I did this joke
down on the south coast.
All I said was I went
for a smear test.
A man just stood up in the centre
of the room and went, "No!"
I sometimes forget
how low the bar is for women.
We just step out of the kitchen
and go,
"Is it OK if I tell a joke
about a procedure
"that 50% of the population
have to go through every year?
"No? OK, sorry to have
disturbed you."
So I'll leave you with this, right?
I went for my smear test, right?
Now, ladies, I did that thing
that all us girls do
before we go for a smear.
Just did that thing that we all do.
Just gave it a little spray.
What I like is that I'm looking
round this room,
and I can see some women looking at
me going, "Yeah. No, I do that.
"Yeah, I do that. Yeah."
And then there's the odd woman
looking at me going, "What?"
But, right, I'll be honest
with you, I've been out of work
for a little while, OK?
So I can't really afford perfume.
So a little life hack for you.
I'd use a can of air freshener.
Cheap as chips. Made for rugs.
Does the job, right?
Now, I went to the doctor's
surgery, dropped my pants, right?
And the nurse, she takes
one look at me down there,
and she's like, "Oh."
"OK. Erm"
"Phhh."
"Somebody's dressed up for me
today, Mrs Manito!"
Ladies and gentlemen,
I looked down and I realised
I hadn't grabbed my trusty can
of air freshener.
I'd grabbed my daughter's
can of glitter spray.
And I just tried to style it out.
I was just there going,
"Oh, what, this?
"Yeah. No, this?
"No, this? Yeah, no,
what this is, this
"This
"This is just my NHS thank you."
Guys
I've been Esther Manito.
You've been amazing.
Thank you so much.
Ladies and gentlemen,
that was Esther Manito!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it is time for me to introduce
the final act for this evening.
Please welcome onto the stage,
Adam Rowe!
Hello, Hammersmith! How are we
doing, are we all right?
Oh, my God,
this is dream come true stuff.
I'm so excited to be here,
ladies and gentlemen.
AUDIENCE CHEER
Been trying to lose a bit of weight
over the past year or so.
I lost two stone.
AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER
And then put two and a half back on!
And it's not because of my health.
It's not because of my health.
That's important, you have to be
honest about your motivations.
Do you want the truth?
Can I be honest with you?
Can you take the truth?
I'm sick of fat people,
and I don't want to be associated
with them any more.
We used to be sound.
Fatties were sound.
We were jolly, that was
our reputation, wasn't it?
Fat people were jolly.
That's what people thought of us.
Default thought. Not any more.
There's a group of people
who've ruined our reputation.
They're called fat activists,
and these are people who campaign
for fat equal rights. I can't even
say it with a straight face.
"Fat people should have
equal rights."
"We have."
"No. Why do I have to pay
for two seats on a plane?"
I mean, you can figure
this out on your own.
"Fat shaming is never OK."
That's the big thing with the fat
activists, fat shaming is never OK.
That's not true.
It's sometimes OK.
I can say that because I'm fat
and I've been fat
since I was small, right?
Like, I got fat shamed at school,
and I'm glad that I did.
I'm glad it happened.
So it was OK, at least that time,
because I was the only victim.
I get to say whether it's OK,
or not.
I'm made up I got fat shamed
at school.
I'd be documentary fat by now
if that didn't
It's kept me a reasonable size.
I don't want to be on Channel 5,
struggling to get out
the front door.
Bad enough after the holiday
when your jeans don't fit.
If your house doesn't fit
you any more
Are we meant to nod along and
pretend that's not a health problem?
"Are you coming to watch
the match, lads?"
"I can't, mate. I can't get
me house off, it is tight."
"Yeah, it fit last week.
It must've shrunk in the wash.
"Yeah, we had the window cleaner
round yesterday."
And these people that go
after companies for fat shaming.
A couple of years ago,
they went after Victoria's Secret.
You know who they are - the world's
number one modelling agency.
World's number one lingerie brand.
And they've changed a bit
of their policy now. But a couple
of years ago, they said,
their CEO did an interview and said
he doesn't think they'd ever have
a fat model or a transgender model.
And the internet went mental,
went crazy.
They went, "Hey! No!
Naughty Victoria's Secret CEO!
"You've got to have a fat model
and you've got to have
"a transgender model right now!"
And they said, "No, we don't,
"because we want to keep
selling underwear." Right?
I'm paraphrasing,
but that was pretty much
the gist of
what this guy said.
And I'm not saying it's right
or wrong.
What I'm saying is they got accused
of fatphobia and transphobia,
and I'm not sure that
it's doing either of those things,
and I'll tell you why in a minute,
But I want to say something before.
It's important to ensure you don't
come across the wrong way on stage.
I'm very left wing
and liberal with 99% of things.
I'll say anything up here
that I think will get a laugh.
But, in reality,
I'm left wing, liberal,
especially with, like, gender
identity.
I think it's ridiculous in this day
and age it's even an argument.
If you were born in one body,
believe you belong in another,
it's your body, your decision,
don't know why anyone would care.
If you were born as a man,
you can identify as a woman. Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You can't identify as
a Victoria's Secret model, though.
Cos that's not a gender,
it's a job.
And you've got to be qualified for
them,
you can't just choose your job.
"I'm going to be a woman!"
Good, all the best.
I'm one of your best friends,
I'm here for you.
Let me know you get on and if
there's anything I can do to help.
"I'm going to be a Victoria's Secret
model, too!"
I don't see that bit happening.
"Why not?!" Cos your hands
are like shovels, Brian!
Your Adam's apple is bigger than my
dick. How much Photoshop?
You can't choose your job.
Do you think I'd be here?
I love this, this is the biggest
gig of my life.
I mean, I'm so proud to be here.
I'm so excited to be here. Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Absolutely.
Do you know where I'd rather be
right now?
At Anfield, playing for Liverpool.
I love being a comedian,
but I'd rather be a footballer,
but I can't just decide
that I'm a footballer.
I can't just turn up at Liverpool's
training ground and tell
the manager, Jurgen Klopp,
that I'm now part of the team.
Do you think I could get away with
that? Do you think that's how?
Jurgen! Jurgen!
Jurgen!
Jurgen!
Over here, lad, by the fence!
Hiya, mate, you all right?
Yeah? Nice to meet you.
My name's Adam and I'm starring
up front on Saturday.
"But you're 16 stone, mate."
I'm very aware of that, Jurgen,
but I identify as
a Premier League striker, so
They've hired a trans model now,
so fair fucks.
Fair enough.
That's a good move for diversity.
She absolutely moves the diversity
movement forward, fantastic.
And I'm not saying fat people
can't be models.
That's a complaint I got. Someone
said, "That's disgusting,
"that, saying fat people
can't be models."
We can! If you're fat and
you want to be a model, you can.
You just have to be realistic
about what shop it's in.
We need to be in the other shops -
Primark, Ethel Austin's
..Screwfix, places like that.
You're not in Primark
cos of the model, are you?
You're there cos you need a jacket
and you've only got six quid!
Ladies and gentlemen, it's been
a pleasure to talk to you.
I'll see yous again.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Rowe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, have you
enjoyed yourselves this evening?
CHEERING
Please give a round of Applause
for the acts you've seen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
you've seen Esther Manito
..and you've seen Adam Rowe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I have been your host, Jen Brister.
Thank you very much and a goodnight!