It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s16e08 Episode Script

1
[DOCTOR] Everything looks good,
Mr. Reynolds.
Your blood work is all normal.
[DENNIS] Excellent. As expected, right?
Does look like your blood pressure's
- a little high, however. Um
- Wait.
- I have high blood pressure?
- Well, yes, but
that's consistent with your last visit.
We might want to put you on a low dose
- of blood pressure medication.
- Oh no.
[SCOFFS] Come on, Doc.
Pills are for old men.
Well, we all get to a
certain age where we need
Do we? I don't.
So, no.
I mean, you know, let-let's not
Listen, I-I can see where
you're headed with this.
Let's-let's not go there, okay?
If I wanted my blood pressure to be low,
I would simply
command my body to make it low.
That's really not how chronic
high blood pressure works.
Okay, well, it is how it works
with Dennis Reynolds, okay?
And if I'm chronically
having high blood pressure,
it's because I'm
chronically suffering fools
who won't listen to me when
I say that I can do things.
Uh, you know what, Doc? It's fi
I'm gonna take control of this, okay?
Don't you worry about a thing
'cause Dennis Reynolds is gonna
figure this all out on his own.
[BEEPING]
There we go.
Blood pressure.
Pulse. Resting heart rate,
syncs right to the phone.
And it records everything.
[LAUGHS] This is perfect.
Now I'll have proof I can smash
in that stupid doctor's face.
[PHONE RINGING, BUZZING]
- Yeah.
- [CHARLIE] Oh, hey, Dennis.
Uh, a-are we above or below sea level?
- What?
- [FRANK] Tell him about the family-style cooking.
[CHARLIE] Yeah, so we're doing
some family-style cooking now,
and we got this,
like, industrial-grade pressure cooker.
- [FRANK] Mm.
- [CHARLIE] Pretty badass, man,
but, you know, we got to make sure
we're above sea level just to be safe.
Well, we can't be below sea level.
Otherwise, we'd be underwater.
[FRANK] But if it's under sea level,
- it may explode.
- That's our big worry.
That this sucker's gonna explode.
You can't take a pressure
cooker under the sea.
- It's not gonna explode.
- Yeah, that's not
- how pressure cookers work.
- Yeah.
You're telling me that you can't bring
a pressure cooker onto a submarine?
How do they feed the entire U.S. Navy?
- They don't pressure-cook the shit, Mac.
- Navy argument.
- Navy argument
- Stop! Stop! All of you, okay?
[CHARLIE] They have, like,
a grill or something.
I'm calling mental health day.
[FRANK] Mental health day?
What kind of cuckoo shit is that?
[DEE] It's a new thing.
It's like a sick day
but for your brain,
and if somebody calls it,
you have to give it to 'em,
you can't ask any questions.
Are you calling that?
Are you taking that for real?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
I'm calling mental health day, okay?
- And I'm gonna drive out to the beach
- [DEE] Ooh.
and spend the entire day
just staring at the ocean.
Isn't your car in the shop? I'm sorry.
That's, uh,
not a question about mental health.
- That's a question of logistics.
- Ah, damn it. No, you're right.
[DEE] Hey, Dennis, I'll come drive you.
I could use a beach day.
Oh, shit. You know what?
This could be a good way
- to find out whether or not we're, uh, underwater.
- [BEEPING]
[FRANK] We can take
the cooker there, yeah.
- [DEE] We're gonna bring the cooker, too.
- No. No. Goddamn it! Do you hear that beeping?
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- That means stop. No!
This is my mental health day,
and none of you
are a part of it. Goddamn it!
- [SIGHS]
- [BEEPING]
[DOOR OPENS]
- Hi.
- Hi. How can I help you today?
Uh, yeah, I have a reservation
under the name Reynolds.
- Okay, let me check that out for you.
- All right.
[RAPID TYPING]
Wow. That's a lot of typing
you're having to do there.
- You writing a novel?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
We have no more vehicles
available in that class.
No, no, no, I made a reservation.
Sometimes our system double-books,
so that's our mistake, and we are happy
- to offer you a complimentary upgrade.
- Okay.
This is the Tsuma EVS,
a fully-electric car
with touch screen controls,
automated steering
made right here in America.
Oh, these are awesome. I've seen these.
- These are really cool.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, yeah, no. I-I
I accept, and I'll take those keys.
- There are no keys.
- Aha.
- There's an app.
- Oh, right.
- An app.
- Mm-hmm.
Boy, I got tell you, I
I, uh, I don't love that.
I, uh, have a lot of apps
on my phone already,
and, uh, keys are sort of a system
that have existed for millennia.
I don't know why we're
trying to fix that, but, uh,
yeah, no, now we got apps.
We got
we got apps for everything, right?
Even for things we
already had things for.
- [WATCH BEEPING]
- [LAUGHING]
I guess, uh,
since my blood pressure's going up,
really spiking here, I'm just gonna
I'm gonna go with it.
We're gonna download the app.
Right? What's one more app? [LAUGHS]
The phone is the key now. Simple.
This is nice. Smooth ride, it's quiet.
Try this automated steering thing.
[CHIMING]
Hey.
Hey! [LAUGHS]
That is awesome.
Time to kick this mental health day off
with some feel-good plant tonic.
My good friend, Mr. Kratom.
Uh, this stuff's gnarly as hell, though.
I need some some kind of a mixer.
Uh, Tsuma,
direct me to the nearest tea shop.
- [CAR CHIMES]
- [MALE VOICE] Rerouting to Teaspoon.
Holy shit.
Tsuma, play Roxette.
- [CHIME]
- Now playing Roxette,
- "Listen to Your Heart."
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]
["LISTEN TO YOUR HEART"
BY ROXETTE PLAYING]
That is so cool.
I'll just sit here and enjoy the ride,
I guess.
This car's nailing it.
I know there's something
in the wake of your smile ♪
- I get a notion ♪
- [DENNIS WHISTLING]
- From the look in your eyes ♪
- Hi.
- Uh, one herbal tea, please.
- Which flavor?
Flavor. Uh, I don't know. Jasmine?
Uh, sorry, I meant for the boba.
The little spheres
of, uh, tapioca and sugar?
The tea comes with boba.
Well, it doesn't
because I see the tea right there,
and I see the boba over there,
so why don't we just
not combine 'em, yeah?
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]
- You know, so, I'll take the tea
without the covert diabetes
delivery mechanism, please.
- [LAUGHS]
- The system won't let me do that.
[WATCH BEEPING]
[SIGHS]
Okay. Yeah. No, fine.
One boba, please.
We'll call it a mental health day treat.
Self-care, right?
Isn't that what people call it
whenever they need an excuse to
do whatever the fuck they want?
- I don't know.
- Yeah, I know. Of course you don't.
Of course you don't.
One chewy sugar tea, please.
All right. Uh, you can scan the code.
Uh, why?
Because the code takes you to the app.
That's two apps today, yeah.
Got apps for everything, you know?
Even though I'm already
talking to the person
that, uh,
could just take my order right here,
but I got to download an app, right?
How about this?
I have cash, you have tea.
Why don't we just streamline things?
We don't take cash, though.
Yeah. How about cards? Take cards?
- Uh, yes.
- Oh, great.
But there is a ten-dollar minimum.
[WATCH BEEPING]
There's no minimum on the app, though.
[LAUGHS, INHALES DEEPLY THROUGH NOSE]
[EXHALES]
Sorry. It's, uh [CLEARS THROAT]
It's not your fault.
You know, you didn't create the system.
The system is just It is what it is,
and, yeah,
we're both victims here, so
What?
Uh, nothing.
Two boba teas, please.
[CAR CHIMES]
- [LOUDLY] Listen to your heart ♪
- Oh, shit.
Take a listen to it ♪
There's nothing else you can do ♪
[QUIETER] I don't know
where you're going ♪
And I don't know why ♪
Ugh! Oh.
That is rough.
Oh.
- Ugh! Aah!
- [CHIMING]
It's so sweet.
Good, though. It's good.
- [CHIMING]
- What do you mean, "Key not found"?
Key not found? Th-There is no key.
- The key is my
- [CHIMING CONTINUES]
phone.
Where's my phone? Where's my phone?
- [CHIMING]
- [WATCH BEEPING]
Goddamn it, where's my phone?
[WATCH BUZZING, RINGING]
Ah, shit. Ugh! Yes. What?
- [MAC] Hey, Dennis. Hey, man.
- [CHARLIE] Hey. - [FRANK] Hey.
[MAC] Hey, uh, real quick.
You know that French dip
of yours in the fridge. Can we eat that?
No, that French dip has been in
the fridge for a month, dude.
Do not eat it and do not call me!
- [CHARLIE] We already ate it.
- [MAC] Yeah, we ate it.
- [FRANK] It's been eaten.
- [DEE] I told 'em not to eat it.
[CHARLIE] Dee tried to tell us
not to eat it, but look, anyway,
we're just calling now so you
don't get mad at us later. All right?
[MAC] Yeah, we're hoping
that you get mad out there
and then you come back and you're happy.
[CHARLIE] Do not expect that sandwich
when you get back,
'cause it's gone, okay?
[MAC] But don't worry about it.
It has been pressure-cooked.
- [CHARLIE] Yeah, we pressure-cooked the shit out of it.
- What do you mean?
- No, you cannot pressure-cook a French dip.
- [CAR HORN HONKS]
[MAC] Oh, yeah, you can, and I guarantee
- that the U.S. Navy is down on their submarine
- Don't. Don't talk!
- Don't talk. Don't. Stop.
- with their pressure cooker.
- No more phone calls! No more!
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- [WATCH BEEPS OFF]
- [DENNIS SIGHS]
[SIREN TOOTS]
- [CAR'S CHIMING CONTINUES]
- [SIREN TOOTS]
Fantastic.
[INDISTINCT RADIO TRANSMISSION]
Hello, Officer.
License and registration.
- Uh, well, this is a rental, actually.
- Hmm.
- Turn the car off.
- [CHIMING CONTINUES]
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
I, uh
I can't because I don't have a key.
Uh, well, technically there is no key.
My phone is the key, and
I don't have a phone.
Step out of the car, sir.
Uh, you know, I'd really rather not
because I'm afraid if I get out,
then, um,
I'm not gonna be able
to start the car again.
Sir, out of the car, please.
- [CHIMING]
- [WATCH BEEPING]
Right. You don't care.
All right, stepping out.
[CHIMING AND BEEPING CONTINUE]
[CAR HORN TOOTS]
Well, who could've predicted that?
Hi. Good afternoon.
Fine, and you? Thanks for asking.
Listen, my name is Dennis Reynolds,
and I'm on a family plan
under the name Frank Reynolds,
and I need a new phone, please.
Okay, I can help you with that here.
Great.
- Frank Reynolds, mm-hmm.
- [RAPID TYPING]
- My name's not that long.
- So,
looks like I can get you
a replacement phone here.
Can have it to you by
end of day tomorrow.
Uh, no, that's-that's not gonna work.
I need it today.
Unfortunately,
the phones are at our warehouse, so
Tell me about those,
- 'cause those look like phones.
- Those aren't the phones.
- Those aren't the phones?
- No.
Hey, those aren't the phones, guys, so,
you know, just so you know.
Those are just boxes
filled with phones
that aren't the phones.
- Phones for new customers.
- Oh, for new customer, right.
Not for old customers.
Not for the paying customers,
the people who have been
paying for months and months,
for years and years and years and years.
Let's punish those people
and give the phones
that are right there
to the new customers.
It's just how the system works.
- Yeah, well, mm, that system.
- [WATCH BEEPING]
I've been running up against it all day.
Well, I'll tell you what, pal.
I am not mad at you, okay?
I am mad at the system.
Okay, but unfortunately
the system isn't here
for me to direct
my frustrations at it, s
[DENNIS INHALES DEEPLY]
[EXHALES]
Good. Let's try something else.
Um, what if we add a new line
to the Frank Reynolds family plan?
Would that make me a new customer?
Yeah, I can do that.
I just need your PIN.
Right, 'cause the PIN's
the key to the phone,
and the phone's the key to the car,
and everything's been streamlined.
Excuse me, please.
I need to make a call on my watch.
- Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Charlie,
diamonds are made under pressure.
This is a pressure cooker.
We're going to cook diamonds.
It's very linear.
- [PHONE BUZZING]
- So genius.
I just can't believe no one's
ever thought of this before.
- We're gonna be rich, man.
- [DEE] Oh, I know.
- It's Dennis.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, do not answer it.
- It's a mental health day test.
- A test. Mm.
- Test?
- Mm-hmm.
In my day, if you wanted
to get out of work, you
you hit yourself with a hammer
or you got gnawed by a
shark or something simple.
- [LINE RINGING]
- No, not gonna pick up now.
No, wh-wh-why would he? Unreal.
Uh, let's try 69-69.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY] Okay.
- [TYPING] - Yeah, that's it.
- That worked?
You're all set.
- Seriously?
- That's it.
- This is the phone?
- That's the phone.
I'm gonna open the box,
I'm gonna turn it on,
the phone's going to work?
Yup. It's gonna work. It's your phone.
Whoo! [SCREAMS]
Why won't you talk to each other?!
Talk! Talk! Talk! Talk!
Talk! Talk!
Dennis Reynolds.
D, E, "N" as in Nancy
License plate "B" as in boy,
SX355.
[SMOOTH JAZZ VERSION OF
"LISTEN TO YOUR HEART" PLAYING ON PHONE]
[MALE AUTOMATED VOICE] I'm sorry.
I didn't get that.
Yeah, no, I know you didn't get it
'cause I didn't say it.
I didn't say what it was.
Did you say "January"?
No, I didn't say "January."
I didn't say anything.
I didn't give a month,
I didn't give a day.
Representative. No, representative.
Human! Human!
Oh.
[MUSIC RESUMES]
D, E, "N" as in "neighbor,"
I, S.
Dennis Reynolds.
"D" as in "Deliver me from this!"
- [WATCH BEEPING]
- "E" as in "Engage with human."
"N" as in "nightmare"!
"N" as in "nightmare"!
"I" as in "Is this real?!"
"S" as in "Somebody help me!"
There has to be a way to
open this goddamn car!
How do I open the car?!
[BEEPING]
Dennis Reynolds. [SIGHS]
D, E,
"N" as in "never-ending."
- "N" as in
- [MALE VOICE] Thank you for calling
- Tsuma Customer Care.
- [DENNIS] Never gonna help me.
[MALE VOICE] Your call
is very important to us.
Please enter your 17-digit VIN.
Please say your name.
- Dennis Reynolds.
- Got it. Let me transfer you.
[LINE RINGING]
[DAISY] Thank you for
calling Tsuma Customer Care.
My name is Daisy. May I please
have your name and 17-digit VIN?
No. No, no, no, no. No.
I just ent I ju
I just entered all that
information into the system.
- I'm sorry, sir. I get it, but I do
- That-That's okay. No, no.
That's okay. Daisy, was it?
Listen, don't be sorry, okay?
I'm not mad at you.
I'm a little upset,
but I'm upset at the situation, okay?
And-and the situation is this, Daisy.
If you'll just give me a
second and indulge me, okay?
[SIGHS] My new phone
won't talk to my car.
Okay, so I called
the car rental company,
and they put me on with a supervisor
who told me to call Tsuma Roadside,
so I called Tsuma Roadside.
Spoke to someone over there
who put me on with another supervisor
who told me to call the service center.
So I called the service center,
spoke to about
I don't know
two, three morons over there
who had no answers for me whatsoever.
They put me on with one
of their supervisors,
and that person told me to call
the car rental company again.
So I called the car rental company,
then roadside, service center,
rental company,
roadside, service center,
rental company,
roadside, service center,
and around and around
and around like that
for hours and hours,
until finally someone
had the presence of mind
to let me know there's a
goddamn customer care line.
Okay, so I called the customer care line
and now I find myself
talking to you, Daisy,
my little wildflower.
And you ask me to enter in my VIN
and my date of birth again,
information which I already
entered into your system.
Okay, now, now, listen, Daisy, Daisy,
bear with me here, okay?
I know you didn't create
the system, okay?
So you are not to blame.
But somebody did create the system,
and I would very much
like to blame that person.
So who is that?
Sir, I'm sorry. Who is?
Who is the person who created
your customer service system
in such a way
that the information entered
into the computer isn't passed on
to the human representative?!
Sir, I don't know.
I can send you to one of my supervisors.
No, no, no, no, no. No, Dai no.
No, don't send me
to a supervisor, Daisy.
Daisy, Daisy
it's just you and me.
Just you and me, Daisy,
fighting the good fight
against a broken system engineered
to drive us both so crazy
that we have to take days off
for our mental health!
- [BEEPING]
- [SIGHING]
Daisy?
Yes?
The Tsuma. It's made in America, right?
Yes, it is.
Where?
[ROLLING THUNDER]
[WOMAN] Yup. Great, wonderful. [LAUGHS]
All right, yes, okay. Yup.
Oh, let me call you back.
[WOMAN CLEARS THROAT]
Hello. How are you?
I've been better.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I've been worse. [LAUGHS]
Is the CEO in?
I'm sorry. Uh, who are you?
Dennis Reynolds.
D, E, "N" as in "Nancy," N, I, S.
Tsuma customer for, uh,
oh, six hours and 17 minutes.
I have some helpful feedback
that I would very much like
to pass on to your boss.
- Oh. [LAUGHS]
- [DENNIS LAUGHS]
Can I get you a water or something?
Listen, I have traveled
through blistering sun and
pouring rain to get here,
so, if you don't mind, I'll just wait.
Uh, he is not in the office
this week,
but customer feedback is
very important to him,
so, if you'd like
to leave him a message,
I'll make sure he gets it.
[WOMAN CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
If I leave you a message,
can you assure me
that you will get this to him?
Absolutely. I'll make sure he gets it
when he gets back from the beach house.
[WATCH BEEPING]
- The beach, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- [DENNIS LAUGHS]
I was supposed to go to the beach today.
- That's nice. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.
- How about that, huh?
- [LAUGHING]
[DENNIS LAUGHS]
[DENNIS SNIFFLES]
Which beach?
[WOMAN] Brandon, dinner's ready!
Hi.
["LISTEN TO YOUR HEART"
BY ROXETTE PLAYING]
♪
I know there's something
in the wake of your smile ♪
I get a notion from the
look in your eyes, yeah ♪
You've built a love,
but that love falls apart ♪
Your little piece of heaven ♪
Turns too dark ♪
Listen to your heart ♪
When he's calling for you ♪
Listen to your heart ♪
There's nothing else you can do ♪
I don't know where you're going ♪
And I don't know why ♪
But listen to your heart ♪
Before you tell him goodbye ♪
Sometimes you wonder if
this fight is worthwhile ♪
The precious moments are
all lost in the tide, yeah ♪
They're swept away ♪
And nothing is what is seems ♪
- The feeling of belonging ♪
- Belonging ♪
To your dreams ♪
Listen to your heart ♪
When he's calling for you ♪
Listen to your heart ♪
There's nothing else you can do ♪
I don't know where you're going ♪
And I don't know why ♪
But listen to your heart ♪
Before you tell him goodbye. ♪
♪
[DINGING]
[DENNIS SIGHS]
This is a medical marvel.
You lowered your blood pressure
by 20 points in less
than a minute, but how?
Well, just let off a little steam,
all naturally.
Told you, Dr. Tsuma.
- Hmm.
- [PHONE RINGING]
Oh. Excuse me.
- Hello?
- [CHARLIE] Oh, hey, Dennis.
Uh, are-are we above or below sea level?
I'll be right in.
["LISTEN TO YOUR HEART"
BY ROXETTE PLAYING]
Listen to your heart ♪
- Listen to your heart ♪
- Oh, take a listen to it ♪
Oh, oh-oh ♪
- Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
- Listen to your heart ♪
Take a, take a listen to it ♪
Listen to your heart ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
- Listen to your heart ♪
- Take a listen to it ♪
Listen to your heart ♪
Heart ♪
- Listen to your heart ♪
- Listen to it ♪
Oh-oh-oh ♪
Ooh, oh-oh ♪
Listen to your heart ♪
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
Listen to your heart ♪
Oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
Listen to your heart ♪
Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
Listen, listen ♪
♪
Listen. ♪
[TRIO CHANTING BACKWARDS]