Celebrity Juice (2008) s16e13 Episode Script
Xmas Gogglyboxers
(RUSTLING) MAN: 'That's it.
Pull it.
I'm trying.
You're gonna hurt me, babes.
' Pull it.
I'll just do it with my hands.
With hands.
Why not do that in the beginning? Oh, I won, babes.
Look! Ooh! Look! This is for sewing.
Yeah, I won it.
(GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) NARRATOR: '2016 has been a tricky year for some, but hundreds of billions of you tuned in for series 16 of Celebrity Juice.
' I pulled a right cracker with you, June.
Aw, that's nice, Leon.
Not as nice as that lass in Mykonos, though.
I shit on her tits.
Oh, why do they put this on television? Oh, Dom.
It's just too much.
Put something with Esther Rantzen on.
(BOTH GIGGLING) (GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) GINO: 'What are we doing here?' We're watching the best bits of Celebrity Juice series 16, babes.
It's gonna be fabulous.
But have we not done this before? Gino, just go with it, man.
Otherwise I'll phone fucking Brexit on your ass.
I will, I promise ya.
Why can't we do another character? We're doing the same characters all the time.
It's Christmas now.
It's different.
Look.
It's popular, this programme.
Let's look at the best bits of Celebrity Juice.
Oh, it's gonna be amazing, babes.
NARRATOR: 'In episode one, Joe Wicks and Jonathan Ross had to squeeze fruit using special juicing devices.
' (BUZZER) (ROCKY THEME PLAYS) There it goes.
Get juicing! That's it, Ross.
Don't worry about the crooked ones.
(CHEERING) We've got the next one.
You've got two oranges.
That's it.
(CHEERING) Collect the juice.
(LAUGHTER) Pour t'juice in.
Pour t'juice in.
Pour t'juice in.
(CHEERING) Next one! It's in the audience.
It's in the audience.
Someone's got the fruit.
(CHEERING) (KEITH SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) (LAUGHTER) Come on, Jonathan! Sexy, innit? Sexy television.
OMG.
That's the only thing I can say.
OMG.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! (KEITH CACKLING) Million pound a month and here he is fucking a wall! Over at the bins.
Near the animals.
The animals The animals Here! They've got the fruits! (LAUGHTER) There you go! Look at the juices coming from that cat! Oh, I don't half wish I was that cat.
If you know what I Yeah.
You dirty, dirty boy.
He makes me lean in 15.
Know what I'm talking about? Ah.
He can juice me any day.
I'd him wank me off and stick his fingers in my asshole as part of love making.
See, that's a bit too much.
No, I like that! (CHEERING) Rylan's the last one.
Round the back, round the back.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Living the dream! (JONATHAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (BUZZER) Oh! I spilt my jug! Remember when we used to do that, June? I squeezed every little last drop out of you, didn't I? I love you, June.
Love you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BREAKS WIND) Smells of chicken pate.
Ooh.
Definitely chicken pate.
Hang on.
There's another one coming.
(BREAKS WIND) Foie gras.
NARRATOR: 'Tired of the same old drivel being on telly? Keith created a brand new exciting format never to have been seen before.
' VOICEOVER: "Master and Miss.
" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, and welcome to a brand new original format entitled Master and Miss.
It's an original show.
This has never been on TV before.
I've seen one that's very similar to this.
(LAUGHTER) There's one called Mr and Mrs.
Oh, Gino.
AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! This is not Mr and Mrs.
This is Master and Miss.
What I'm gonna do is ask you both the same question.
Yeah.
If your answers tally up, you'll win a point for your team.
Let's see how much you know each other.
No, no, no.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Whoa! Totally original, Phillip.
I came up with this today.
If you're gonna do it, I'm gonna do it with you.
Fair does.
Do it with me.
The way it should be done.
Do you want him to do it with me? ALL: Yes! I hate that Phillip Schofield.
You know, he's only a year older than me.
Hate him.
What chocolate bar would Joe like to stick up Stacey's bum? (LAUGHTER) I don't think Are we looking at bars that will fit or bars that I like? (LAUGHTER) (ALL SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER) None of this is ever gonna happen.
I'm hoping it's none that you like.
I'm a normal sex girl.
(LAUGHTER) I don't want chocolate up my bum.
If you liked chocolate shoved up your ass, what chocolate do you think Joe would choose? What would you like it to be? I went with what I You went for a Milky Way, so you don't spoil your dinner.
I (LAUGHTER) I I went with what I think would be most practical.
A practical idea.
So Matchsticks.
(LAUGHTER) I went tropical.
I've done a little Bounty.
I thought (LAUGHTER) You know, I'm not a coconut fan, really.
And also, they're in two little bits.
It don't have to just be the bum! (LAUGHTER) You should never put chocolate bars up your bum-bum.
No way.
That is a waste of chocolate! Remember when I stuck a KitKat up your vagina? And it snapped off? We never did find it, did we? It were a four finger one, as well.
I like KitKats.
On average, how many minutes does it take Pete to climax? (LAUGHTER) Let's just say, how many minutes does it take with you? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Have you written down an answer? Megan? One minute.
One minute? Oh, my God.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! (APPLAUSE) No, that happens to a lot of guys.
That happens to a lot of guys.
You told me you wouldn't tell anyone! And what have you got? Ten minutes.
OK.
It's not? And What have you put? (LAUGHTER) And Welcome to Fantasyland.
I've got 40 minutes, mate! (BUZZER) GINO: Forty minutes.
Forty? Forty minutes? Ten minutes? She'd be walking like a sailor.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, she's fabulous.
She's fabulous, babes.
Where is the weirdest place you've Oh, no.
NARRATOR: 'After having his format stolen for a second time, Phillip Schofield finally blew his load.
' "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.
I've just heard that you're trying to rip off my show again.
This is absolutely not on.
You did it with The Cube when you called it The Moob.
You did it with Master and Miss when I was on the show.
And I let you get away with it, then.
Now you're doing it again! I swear to God, man! This is It drives me crazy! Messing about with all my stuff.
They're my .
.
ideas! Get your own!" (APPLAUSE) Sorry, Phillip, I do love ya but this is an original id It's original, isn't it? Yeah.
We've never done this befo Mr and Mrs was a totally different thing.
Ask a question.
OK.
What's the most number of times Pete has ever masturbated in one day? (LAUGHTER) He's a renowned wanker but what's the number? (LAUGHTER) You love it.
Most in a day.
I think I've got it.
Do you ever do a danger wank when your mum's around? Oh Yeah.
What's a danger wank? A danger wank is when you're knocking one out and you want the sexual gratification but you also want a frisson of excitement.
As you're knocking out, you call for someone in the house Try to have it done before they come.
But you can end up glazing your mum like a doughnut.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) You're a knob.
How is your mum? She's good, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Five in a day.
Five in a day.
Five in a day! I hate it when Celebrity Juice do that confetti effect.
I hate Celebrity Juice.
I hate it.
NARRATOR: 'In the first episode of series 16, Gino D'Acampo was mysteriously absent.
' I've got news about Gino D'Acampo.
He's not here this week cos I think he's just arriving in the country.
He tried to get back in the country but because of Brexit, they wouldn't let him.
He had a bit of a struggle.
Outrageous.
OMG.
That's the only thing I can say.
OMG.
We've just got some news on Gino trying to get back to the studio.
I think we're gonna cut to him live, now.
There he is.
He's in one of those things.
(LAUGHTER) Gino! Quick! Run! Run! Gino! We'll get him back.
We'll get him back.
Stupid.
I hate this.
NARRATOR: 'With Gino stuck in Italy, his regular spot was filled by none other than TV funny man, Johnny Vegas.
' "We loved you last week, so we've asked you back.
Aye, it was dead nice.
Yeah.
" You told us last week that you're looking for a sofa.
Yeah! Cos you were so great last week You're not gonna believe this.
We had a whip-round and we've bought you a sofa.
We have.
Look We have! ALL: Aw! It's out t'back.
Here's the picture.
(FANFARE MUSIC) All right? Oh, that's a lovely sofa, Leon.
I hate sofas.
NARRATOR: 'Gino was so upset about being replaced, he made a special video call to Keith Lemon.
' (PHONE RINGING) Eh, it's Gino, everyone! On me phone! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! I'm gonna put you to my mic.
Can you hear me? "Yes, I can hear you.
How are you?" I'm good.
How are you? What are you doing? "Where is Johnny Vegas?" He's sat in your seat over there.
Hey! "What the hell is he doing there for two weeks in a row?" (LAUGHTER) He's the new you! "The new me? Tell him I'm going to get a new job in Benidorm, font color="#00f (LAUGHTER) NARRATOR: 'By the end of the episode, Gino had taken matters into his own hands and ordered his mob to seek the ultimate revenge.
' We've got news in about your sofa.
Yeah? (GODFATHER THEM PLAYS) Has he put it (LAUGHTER) (CHAINSAW BUZZING) KEITH: Oh, dear! Oh, oh! Oh, well.
Shabby chic, shabby chic! ALL: Oh! HOLLY: Johnny.
Gino D'Acampo's just gone too far.
Kenny G doesn't like it and neither does the Rock.
I'm so sorry, Johnny.
I'm so sorry.
(BOTH CACKLING) NARRATOR: 'An enraged Johnny Vegas had his own special message to give Gino.
' Hey, Gino.
You've got one thing going for ya.
Right? And it's not you're fucking height.
(LAUGHTER) Listen to me, you short-arsed Italian, you pick on the couch, you pick on all couches.
I'm coming to where you live, and I'm gonna take away olive oil! (LAUGHTER) Yeah! And then Then you'll have to cook with Crisp 'n Dry! (LAUGHTER) And it'll all taste like one of them Beefeater restaurants! No matter what you do and how you drizzle and how you impress them on a morning, when you're going (ACCENT) "And what I do-a now is th (LAUGHTER) It's gonna taste like my nan cooked some fucking offal! (LAUGHTER) You messed with the wrong bloke! Oh, bloody shut up, Johnny Vegas.
You're giving me headache.
Oh, and I've got news for ya! Most people don't like rocket, it gets stuck in their teeth! What's that peasant going on about? NARRATOR: 'Things didn't end well for Gino when he played the brand-new game, How Long is a Piece of String?' (BUZZER) And go! Roll into a ball! Roll into a ball! (LAUGHTER) (BURPS) (BOTH CHORTLE) KEITH: 'All the way down.
Not many people go that far down when they're playing the cardboard box game.
There he goes, he's following it into there.
And shut that door! And goodbye to Gino D'Acampo!' (GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) NARRATOR: 'Coming up in part two' (CHEERING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHTER) (GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) You know people forget the real meaning of Christmas, don't you? What? Do you mean getting absolutely smashed before lunch? Exactly! Bottoms up! Bottoms up indeed! Happy birthday, baby Jesus! Amen to that.
Mm.
NARRATOR: 'On the Halloween episode, the studio fell under an evil curse.
'And only one man could lift it.
' VOICEOVER: 'Joey Essex and the Game of Bones.
' (AUDIENCE CHEERING) So Joey is the man for the job.
Our lives are in your hands.
Oh, look.
It's that Joey Essex, Leon.
I hate that Joey Essex.
Ooh, what's up? (LIGHTNING STRIKING) KEITH: There's five different rooms.
So here's your sack to collect your bones.
OK.
Good luck.
HOLLY: Good luck, Joey.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) All right, go! You've not got a lot of time! (CHEERING) We've got you! Don't know where I'm going, man.
This is long.
You look creepy sick, man! (LAUGHTER) Right, go down the corridor! How have they done it like this? This is ridiculous.
I'd need a few stiff ones before I went down that corridor.
You've already had a few stiff ones in your time, darling.
(CHORTLES) What? (CHORTLES) Stiff penis.
Stiff penis.
Oh, Dom.
Stiff penis.
Up the corridor! I might as well have worn a track top, man.
Oh, my God, I'm not fucking Spiderman, bro.
(LAUGHTER) FEARNE: Aw, amazing.
Oh, I can't I'm trapped, mate.
(LAUGHTER) They've done this on purpose.
My fucking wig's come off.
(LAUGHTER) Shit.
KEITH: Oh, he's lost his hair! Oh, look at the other person, there! (LAUGHTER) Keep going! Yep, go in the dressing room! Sh Sh Sh Oh, shit! Go to the mini bar! Donald Trump is shuck.
(LAUGHTER) Keith? Yeah? Who's the geezer in front of me? Or the woman? It's not real.
(CREEPY HUMMING) I've got the Get the bones.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE) (JOEY PANTING) I don't like it, Leon.
Bloody stupid.
Oh! I hate this.
Oh! (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Next room! Next room! Oh! What is that? (LAUGHTER) It's a pig geezer.
It's a pig gee Joey! Oh! Joey! (LAUGHTER) Joey! Can you hear me? They put a trap in here! (LAUGHTER) Joey! They put a trap in.
Joey! What? Put your hands in the bath.
The bones are in the bath.
Taking the liberty, mate.
Don't tell me this is a real person.
OK.
I won't, then.
(LAUGHTER) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Holy fuck! I'm scared.
I think I'm going to black out! Me too, babes.
Yes.
A dirty little pee.
Next dressing room.
I need to go pee.
Are you all right, Joe? I need to go wee.
What? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
I just can't believe how ridiculous this is.
I can't bel Mate.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER) Fuck me.
Mate Mate, this ain't a joke, man.
(APPLAUSE) In the dressing room.
Next dressing room.
The geezer how scared me didn't even have a bone.
(LAUGHTER) (KEITH CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
Come on.
Forget about the poltergeist.
Bloody hell.
This is the scariest one so far.
You can't see anything.
It's pitch black.
This is the scariest one so far.
Can you see anything? Can you see anything? I can't see anything! On the wall on your left? Feel on the wall.
(SCREAMING) (CHAIR CREAKING) It's just a chair! (CREAKING) Do it! I've got it! He's got it.
(LAUGHTER) (SCREAMS) Fuck off! (APPLAUSE) Oh, my So good! Fucking hell! I don't like things like this.
You've got the bones, you've got the bones.
Come back! I don't do this.
Oh, my God.
You scary little fucker, you are.
I hate that Joey Essex.
NARRATOR: 'In one episode, John Barrowman was kidnapped by Gino's Italian mob.
Fearne's team went to look for him in his dressing room.
' (SCREAMING) (LAUGHTER) KEITH: Get in there! All of you, get in there! Find him! Find him! FEARNE: John! Gino, you bastard.
(LAUGHTER) It's so deep! Where are you? It's do deep! Chris Ramsey's balls deep in John Barrowman.
(LAUGHTER) I've got his shoe! I've got his fucking shoe! KEITH: Find him! (SCREAMING) He's in there! (SHOUTING) (LAUGHTER) (SHOUTING) Got him.
Have they got him? Pull! We've found him! They've found him! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Don't lose Fearne! Where is she? (LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH) (LAUGHTER) She's running out of time! Don't die! I've got ya! Oh, I bloody hate ball pits.
Do you like them, June? Yeah.
Hate them.
I don't like arm pits either.
NARRATOR: 'When John returned safe and sound, Gino was forced to apologise.
' Look.
Look what he's just gone through.
Honestly.
I think you should kiss and make-up.
Kiss, kiss, kiss! (AUDIENCE CHANTING) Get your lips out! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) (SHOUTING) (CHEERING) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! Ooh, that is hot! Yeah, babes.
When I was younger, I wanted to see if I was totally gay or I was bisexual and I wanted to really give it a try.
And I'd never done it.
I thought, "I've got to try this.
I've got to see what I got down there and I went (GROANS) (LAUGHTER) I tried and I was like, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be sick.
" So I used my finger.
And I did the whole thing without my tongue.
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting.
I feel physically sick.
(BOTH SPLUTTERING) Diving head first into a lasagne.
(GROANS) He should be arrested for that sort of thing.
Here y'are.
Have you ever done that? On a lasagne? No, on a lady.
Once upon a time.
What's it like? Fishy.
Eurgh.
I couldn't do it.
I'm a gold star gay.
I've never had intercourse with a woman.
Ever.
Do I congratulate you for that? (LAUGHTER) Course you do! In the gay world, that's the medal! # GLORIA GAYNOR: I Am What I Am He's a gold star gay.
(CHEERING) Gold star gay! No, you're a gold star gay.
No, you are a gold star gay.
No, you're a gold star gay.
You are a gold star gay.
(GOGGLBOX THEME) NARRATOR: 'Coming up in part three' You're cheating scum! (AUDIENCE GASPING) STEPH: Oh, Merry Christmas, darling.
DOM: Merry Christmas.
Do you know what? I was thinking I might do Dry January.
What are you fucking talking about? Dry January.
Are you fucking mental? Have you lost your brains? Only joking, you daft goof! (BOTH CHORTLE) I'm going to drink more in January! I love you, Steph.
Roll on, Jan! I love your sweet little arsehole.
NARRATOR: 'In one episode of series 16, Holly Willoughby's battle with alcohol came to a head.
' I went to see Holly before the show in her dressing room.
And, erm, it seems like she's had a little tipple.
I think we've got some CCTV footage of her in her room right now.
FEARNE: Oh, God.
There she is.
There she is again.
(LAUGHTER) Classic Willoughby.
It's a tragedy.
(LAUGHTER) It's a big shame.
What a loser! Look at that! Well, she seems bloody sober to me.
Positively teetotal.
Yah.
(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) Eh, I've got your Christmas present here, Leon.
I hope it's no more bloody socks.
Can I open it now? Yes, Leon.
Yeah.
Bloody socks, isn't it? Yeah.
Nice.
I've got summat for you, June.
Oh! Is it the new Michael Buble album, Leon? (GRUNTING) We've run out.
Go on then.
Do the washing.
It's been there for two days.
(SIGHING) Give your minge a wipe, as well, while you're at it.
NARRATOR: 'This series, Professor Stephen Hawking asked Keith to test an important scientific theory.
"Can you catch your dinner if it's travelling at the speed of light?"' There is no way Stephen Hawking has come up with shit like that.
font color="#ff (LAUGHTER) Steve, did you come up with this? ELECTRONIC VOICE: "Yes.
" "I think you should call Brexit.
" (LAUGHTER) (KEITH CACKLES) You got done! Right, you'll take it in turns.
We'll start with you first, Fearne.
Oh! You've got your T-Rex feeding gun.
Look how excited! You witch.
(LAUGHTER) You're talking to the wrong witch, little wanker.
Three, two, one.
(CHEERING) One point.
One point! That was good.
Oh, my God.
Next up, it's the meatballs.
I'm gonna do it bazooka style.
Oh! Three, two, one.
(APPLAUSE) You like-a the meatball? Who the fucking That hurt.
Did you get it? No! You didn't get it.
But you still need the sauce! Aw.
Oh, sauce.
Got your sauce gun? Remember, you're on my team.
Fearne's not.
(LAUGHTER) Three, two, one.
Oh, you (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Is it like Mummy used to make? (LAUGHTER) You like a bit of salad, don't you, Gino? No really.
Not with salad.
All the greens.
Three, two, one.
(CHEERING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE) Another fucking ring! (LAUGHTER) Did you catch any? Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) (BOTH GIGGLE) (BOTH GIGGLE) I've actually got your Christmas present, my little ball of caviar.
Oh, darling.
You're so wonderful.
Don't be silly.
Don't be silly.
There you go.
Oh! You know what I like! I hope it's enough.
You know what I like.
Oh, sweetie, this is just so bloody lovely of you.
Sherry, my favourite! I'm just joking.
Here's your actual gift.
(GASPS) Oh, darling! How Oh! Ho-ho! Yes.
Oh, that's just That is more bloody like it, Dom.
I know you like it big.
Aw, thank you.
Let's pop her open.
Pop it open.
Can you pop her open? I'm too pissed.
Pop her open.
NARRATOR: 'One of the new games this series was the Box Game, sponsored by boxes.
Other boxes are available.
' Three, two, one.
(AIR HORN) (CHEERING) I hate boxes.
Oh, Stacey's well ahead.
Look at Stacey Solomon go! Straight through the box wall.
Oh! Closely followed by Pamela Anderson.
What I wouldn't do to be inside Pamela's box.
Oh, Dom.
You are awful.
(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) KEITH: Swash, Swash! Swash, this way.
This way.
That's it.
Solomon's off the track.
Schofield is entering the studio.
Keep under your box.
Keep under the box! (CHEERING) Closely followed by Fearne Cotton.
He's having trouble with the stage.
It looks like there's some sort of action going on here.
They're getting on top of each other.
Swash, do not use this as an opportunity to have a touch and feel with Pamela Anderson.
(CHEERING) Fearne is in front of them.
Oh, look! Swash is taking over! Schofield is about to go up! Schofield, you've crossed the finish line.
You're here.
You've got it.
You need Holly to come.
Oosh! Closely followed by Cotton Chops! This way! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! Oh, God, this game is simply fabulous.
Fabulous.
Gino! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! Straight! Fearne Cotton is passing the finish line.
Closely followed by Solomon.
(KEITH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Ooh, it's close! You can still take this! Holly's done it! (CHEERING) Pamela Anderson has just crossed the finishing line.
Who have we got left? Olly Murs ain't got a clue.
We could be here for 24 hours.
That's the name of his new album.
Swash has found the ramp.
Keep going! Across the finish line.
Olly is about to.
(CHEERING) Past the finishing line.
I hate that Olly Murs.
There's an enquiry.
Oh, shit the bed! (LAUGHTER) So, the first people past the finishing line were Holly and Phillip.
Yes! But But! Did you cheat? No! Phillip (LAUGHTER) Phillip got out of his box and guided Holly.
(ALL BOOING) Thus .
.
they are both disqualified.
They told me to go back and get her.
We've got footage.
We've got evidence.
Let's have a look.
Closely followed by Solomon.
They said to me the last time she did it, she ended up by the bins And everyone left me.
.
.
for such a long time, there weren't even any cameras there.
(LAUGHTER) I asked him to not leave me and he was my true friend.
He didn't leave me.
AUDIENCE: Aww! You are cheating scum! June.
June.
Fallen asleep.
(GROANS) (GRUNTS) Where's that brandy butter? Where's that Leon, what are you doing? Leon! June.
Leon! I thought you were asleep.
Leon! Have you woken up? (SIGHS) Leon! Where's that brandy butter? I don't know.
I thought you were asleep, June.
(GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) NARRATOR: 'Coming up in the final part' Bastards! Hold onto your tits.
Think with clarity.
(GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) (SNORING) (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) She's fallen asleep.
(MUTTERS) A man's gotta do .
.
what a man's gotta do.
(STIRS) (STRAINING) That's better.
NARRATOR: 'On discovering Pamela Anderson's passion for animal rights, Keith desperately tried to impress her.
' Pamela, can I just say, is there's any animal ever in trouble, I'm always there.
If I hear a cry for help (HIGH-PITCHED WAILING) That sounds like a cat in distress.
What's going on backstage? (HIGH-PITCHED WAILING) HOLLY: Oh! (LAUGHTER) There's three naughty bad men about to shoot a kitten! Right.
Just hold the show right there.
I love animals.
Complete bastards! # BONNIE TYLER: Holding Out For A Hero (HIGH-PITCHED WAILING) Point that fucking gun at me as much as you want but if you hurt that cat, I'll fucking bray ya! Ya bastards! Come on, then! (SPRAYING) Come on! Look! Look up there! You bastards! How are you, little fella? Cute.
(CHEERING) Oh, my God.
That cat is so cute.
Aw! I'm not a pussy man, myself.
I almost forgot, I got you a little something else, June.
Oh, that's nice, Leon.
Merry Christmas.
Mm.
It's cos I love ya.
What is it? You know I love you, don't ya? Oh, it's exciting.
I love ya.
June, you know what love is? What's that, Leon? What do I do with this? They say that love is never-ending.
It's a double-ended dildo, June.
Oh, Leon.
Leon! You can put it in you and put it in me.
We can be together forever.
I love you, June.
Leon! Is it t'wrong colour? NARRATOR: 'In series 16, Keith borrowed a chair from his friend Jonesy from NASA to make a favourite Juice game extreme.
' (APPLAUSE) VOICEOVER: 'The Five Second Fool Xtreme!' There's no lady like way about this, is there? No Oh, God.
Yeah.
You've got short Quite short, aren't ya? Just keep your legs shut, we don't want to see your dick.
(LAUGHTER) It might pop out.
Yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Seriously! (LAUGHTER) Fearne, give me three things that you wash.
My clothes, my socks, and my child's toys.
(PING) You wash your child's toys? (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (LAUGHTER) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Three Three things that a blind person might use.
A dog, a stick, and Braille.
(PING) Oh! (APPLAUSE) (CACKLING) I'm getting carpet burn on my thighs.
Three things you wouldn't do with a kettle.
Erm, what you wouldn't do with a kettle? Er, stick it up your arse.
And I don't know what else.
I think I've lost my mind.
(BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) Fearne Cotton, everyone! (CHEERING) Whoo-hoo-hoo! That chair's a piece of shit, June.
Oh, Leon.
It's Christmas.
I hate Christmas.
Bah humbug.
I hate humbug.
KEITH: 'Right.
Ready?' Yeah, hang on.
You got a good hold of them? Aye, they're all right.
They're secure.
Hold onto your tits.
Think with clarity.
(LAUGHTER) GINO: What the fuck? (LAUGHTER) Why-aye! (LAUGHTER) Three things you gobble.
Er, potatoes, penis, pasties! (PING) (LAUGHTER) Three Geordie noises.
Ee, why-aye, how-ay! (PING) (LAUGHTER) Three things you can spit on.
Oh, God, erm Cocks, people, and dogs? (PING) (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) Vicky Pattison, everyone! Steph, do you remember when you got that bottle stuck in your vagina? Chardonnay, I believe.
No, it was definitely you.
Egg nog, Leon? I don't like egg.
Or nog.
I hope you're having a good time cos next up is an oldie but a goldie but we've rebranded it.
It used to be called "In Your Face.
" But we've changed the name of it.
You'll see why.
It's called VOICEOVER: 'The Incredible Hulk's Arsehole.
' (CHEERING) First up to play this game together, it's Holly and Phil.
(CHEERING) I'm gonna transport you onto a celebrity's body.
Now Oosh! (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) That's never a good sign.
It's never a good sign.
What the hell is that? So (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS) Cos you're both up there, I'll play part of your team and you'll ask me.
OK.
Are we We'll start with Holly.
Are we a double act? (LAUGHTER) Yes.
OK.
Are we Are we .
.
male and female? Yes.
OK.
Are we on television? Yes.
Are we always on television together? Yes.
Holly, look down to your right.
My right? Yes.
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) Phil, Phil.
Just to line it up, look down.
Look down.
That's it.
Like you've stumped your toe! (LAUGHTER) Are we on This Morning? On This Morning? No.
Are we us? What? Are we us? Yes! (CHEERING AND WHOOPING) Why would there be that reaction? Eh? Mother of God! (LAUGHTER) Holy shit! It's sex week on This Morning.
(LAUGHTER) I hope they wiped down that bloody sofa afterwards.
Schofield, you cheeky bugger.
Oh! Dirty bugger! Burnt on my retina, that awful image.
Dirty bugger.
Bloody bugger.
Bloody bugger.
Buggery-bum-bum.
NARRATOR: 'Don't worry, viewers, we haven't forgotten.
It's now time for the series 16 best bits montage.
' Oh, yes! It's a montage! I love montages.
Montages! Montages! Love them.
Yes! I love a bloody effing montage! Oh, I love a good montage.
I fucking love montages.
Fucking love them.
Bloody fucking montages.
Fucking love them.
Royally fucking love them.
(SUCKING AIR) I hate montages.
Hello, my name is Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice, Series 16! All right! # JUSTIN BIEBER: Sorry Can I remove this? Remove anything you want, Holly.
(WHOOPING) It's only a fucking t-shirt.
(CHEERING) (MOUTHING WORDS) (QUACKING A TUNE) Whatever you do, do not show me your teeth.
How's Stacey gonna do that? Sometimes, imagine you've got a really poorly bum and it looks like this.
(LAUGHTER) For a point for your team, Ollie, are you willing to get in there? I would literally rather guide my mother into my father.
(LAUGHTER) (CLAPPING) (SNORTING A TUNE) I would rip you a new one.
(LAUGHTER) All you need to do is the clitosteris.
(LAUGHTER) Have you fed your horse? My horse? You know, when you feed the horse.
Yeah, everything's been fed.
(LAUGHTER) Shall we play a game? Go! # DNCE: Cake By The Ocean See you later! Whoa, whoa! (CHEERING) (SCREAMING) What the fuck are you doing? (MOUTHS WORDS) You can't do that to me.
(CHEERING) FEARNE: Oh, Holly! Stacey, will you marry me for this point? Yeah, but what if Just say yes, there's a lot of peopl Merry Christmas, Leon.
I hate Christmas.
I love you, though, June.
Oh, Leon.
I hate holding hands.
Bottoms up! Up the bottom! (BOTH CHORTLE) NARRATOR: 'Merry Christmas, viewers.
'
Pull it.
I'm trying.
You're gonna hurt me, babes.
' Pull it.
I'll just do it with my hands.
With hands.
Why not do that in the beginning? Oh, I won, babes.
Look! Ooh! Look! This is for sewing.
Yeah, I won it.
(GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) NARRATOR: '2016 has been a tricky year for some, but hundreds of billions of you tuned in for series 16 of Celebrity Juice.
' I pulled a right cracker with you, June.
Aw, that's nice, Leon.
Not as nice as that lass in Mykonos, though.
I shit on her tits.
Oh, why do they put this on television? Oh, Dom.
It's just too much.
Put something with Esther Rantzen on.
(BOTH GIGGLING) (GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) GINO: 'What are we doing here?' We're watching the best bits of Celebrity Juice series 16, babes.
It's gonna be fabulous.
But have we not done this before? Gino, just go with it, man.
Otherwise I'll phone fucking Brexit on your ass.
I will, I promise ya.
Why can't we do another character? We're doing the same characters all the time.
It's Christmas now.
It's different.
Look.
It's popular, this programme.
Let's look at the best bits of Celebrity Juice.
Oh, it's gonna be amazing, babes.
NARRATOR: 'In episode one, Joe Wicks and Jonathan Ross had to squeeze fruit using special juicing devices.
' (BUZZER) (ROCKY THEME PLAYS) There it goes.
Get juicing! That's it, Ross.
Don't worry about the crooked ones.
(CHEERING) We've got the next one.
You've got two oranges.
That's it.
(CHEERING) Collect the juice.
(LAUGHTER) Pour t'juice in.
Pour t'juice in.
Pour t'juice in.
(CHEERING) Next one! It's in the audience.
It's in the audience.
Someone's got the fruit.
(CHEERING) (KEITH SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) (LAUGHTER) Come on, Jonathan! Sexy, innit? Sexy television.
OMG.
That's the only thing I can say.
OMG.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! (KEITH CACKLING) Million pound a month and here he is fucking a wall! Over at the bins.
Near the animals.
The animals The animals Here! They've got the fruits! (LAUGHTER) There you go! Look at the juices coming from that cat! Oh, I don't half wish I was that cat.
If you know what I Yeah.
You dirty, dirty boy.
He makes me lean in 15.
Know what I'm talking about? Ah.
He can juice me any day.
I'd him wank me off and stick his fingers in my asshole as part of love making.
See, that's a bit too much.
No, I like that! (CHEERING) Rylan's the last one.
Round the back, round the back.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Living the dream! (JONATHAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (BUZZER) Oh! I spilt my jug! Remember when we used to do that, June? I squeezed every little last drop out of you, didn't I? I love you, June.
Love you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BREAKS WIND) Smells of chicken pate.
Ooh.
Definitely chicken pate.
Hang on.
There's another one coming.
(BREAKS WIND) Foie gras.
NARRATOR: 'Tired of the same old drivel being on telly? Keith created a brand new exciting format never to have been seen before.
' VOICEOVER: "Master and Miss.
" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, and welcome to a brand new original format entitled Master and Miss.
It's an original show.
This has never been on TV before.
I've seen one that's very similar to this.
(LAUGHTER) There's one called Mr and Mrs.
Oh, Gino.
AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! This is not Mr and Mrs.
This is Master and Miss.
What I'm gonna do is ask you both the same question.
Yeah.
If your answers tally up, you'll win a point for your team.
Let's see how much you know each other.
No, no, no.
(LAUGHTER) AUDIENCE: Whoa! Totally original, Phillip.
I came up with this today.
If you're gonna do it, I'm gonna do it with you.
Fair does.
Do it with me.
The way it should be done.
Do you want him to do it with me? ALL: Yes! I hate that Phillip Schofield.
You know, he's only a year older than me.
Hate him.
What chocolate bar would Joe like to stick up Stacey's bum? (LAUGHTER) I don't think Are we looking at bars that will fit or bars that I like? (LAUGHTER) (ALL SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER) None of this is ever gonna happen.
I'm hoping it's none that you like.
I'm a normal sex girl.
(LAUGHTER) I don't want chocolate up my bum.
If you liked chocolate shoved up your ass, what chocolate do you think Joe would choose? What would you like it to be? I went with what I You went for a Milky Way, so you don't spoil your dinner.
I (LAUGHTER) I I went with what I think would be most practical.
A practical idea.
So Matchsticks.
(LAUGHTER) I went tropical.
I've done a little Bounty.
I thought (LAUGHTER) You know, I'm not a coconut fan, really.
And also, they're in two little bits.
It don't have to just be the bum! (LAUGHTER) You should never put chocolate bars up your bum-bum.
No way.
That is a waste of chocolate! Remember when I stuck a KitKat up your vagina? And it snapped off? We never did find it, did we? It were a four finger one, as well.
I like KitKats.
On average, how many minutes does it take Pete to climax? (LAUGHTER) Let's just say, how many minutes does it take with you? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Have you written down an answer? Megan? One minute.
One minute? Oh, my God.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! (APPLAUSE) No, that happens to a lot of guys.
That happens to a lot of guys.
You told me you wouldn't tell anyone! And what have you got? Ten minutes.
OK.
It's not? And What have you put? (LAUGHTER) And Welcome to Fantasyland.
I've got 40 minutes, mate! (BUZZER) GINO: Forty minutes.
Forty? Forty minutes? Ten minutes? She'd be walking like a sailor.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, she's fabulous.
She's fabulous, babes.
Where is the weirdest place you've Oh, no.
NARRATOR: 'After having his format stolen for a second time, Phillip Schofield finally blew his load.
' "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.
I've just heard that you're trying to rip off my show again.
This is absolutely not on.
You did it with The Cube when you called it The Moob.
You did it with Master and Miss when I was on the show.
And I let you get away with it, then.
Now you're doing it again! I swear to God, man! This is It drives me crazy! Messing about with all my stuff.
They're my .
.
ideas! Get your own!" (APPLAUSE) Sorry, Phillip, I do love ya but this is an original id It's original, isn't it? Yeah.
We've never done this befo Mr and Mrs was a totally different thing.
Ask a question.
OK.
What's the most number of times Pete has ever masturbated in one day? (LAUGHTER) He's a renowned wanker but what's the number? (LAUGHTER) You love it.
Most in a day.
I think I've got it.
Do you ever do a danger wank when your mum's around? Oh Yeah.
What's a danger wank? A danger wank is when you're knocking one out and you want the sexual gratification but you also want a frisson of excitement.
As you're knocking out, you call for someone in the house Try to have it done before they come.
But you can end up glazing your mum like a doughnut.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) You're a knob.
How is your mum? She's good, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Five in a day.
Five in a day.
Five in a day! I hate it when Celebrity Juice do that confetti effect.
I hate Celebrity Juice.
I hate it.
NARRATOR: 'In the first episode of series 16, Gino D'Acampo was mysteriously absent.
' I've got news about Gino D'Acampo.
He's not here this week cos I think he's just arriving in the country.
He tried to get back in the country but because of Brexit, they wouldn't let him.
He had a bit of a struggle.
Outrageous.
OMG.
That's the only thing I can say.
OMG.
We've just got some news on Gino trying to get back to the studio.
I think we're gonna cut to him live, now.
There he is.
He's in one of those things.
(LAUGHTER) Gino! Quick! Run! Run! Gino! We'll get him back.
We'll get him back.
Stupid.
I hate this.
NARRATOR: 'With Gino stuck in Italy, his regular spot was filled by none other than TV funny man, Johnny Vegas.
' "We loved you last week, so we've asked you back.
Aye, it was dead nice.
Yeah.
" You told us last week that you're looking for a sofa.
Yeah! Cos you were so great last week You're not gonna believe this.
We had a whip-round and we've bought you a sofa.
We have.
Look We have! ALL: Aw! It's out t'back.
Here's the picture.
(FANFARE MUSIC) All right? Oh, that's a lovely sofa, Leon.
I hate sofas.
NARRATOR: 'Gino was so upset about being replaced, he made a special video call to Keith Lemon.
' (PHONE RINGING) Eh, it's Gino, everyone! On me phone! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! I'm gonna put you to my mic.
Can you hear me? "Yes, I can hear you.
How are you?" I'm good.
How are you? What are you doing? "Where is Johnny Vegas?" He's sat in your seat over there.
Hey! "What the hell is he doing there for two weeks in a row?" (LAUGHTER) He's the new you! "The new me? Tell him I'm going to get a new job in Benidorm, font color="#00f (LAUGHTER) NARRATOR: 'By the end of the episode, Gino had taken matters into his own hands and ordered his mob to seek the ultimate revenge.
' We've got news in about your sofa.
Yeah? (GODFATHER THEM PLAYS) Has he put it (LAUGHTER) (CHAINSAW BUZZING) KEITH: Oh, dear! Oh, oh! Oh, well.
Shabby chic, shabby chic! ALL: Oh! HOLLY: Johnny.
Gino D'Acampo's just gone too far.
Kenny G doesn't like it and neither does the Rock.
I'm so sorry, Johnny.
I'm so sorry.
(BOTH CACKLING) NARRATOR: 'An enraged Johnny Vegas had his own special message to give Gino.
' Hey, Gino.
You've got one thing going for ya.
Right? And it's not you're fucking height.
(LAUGHTER) Listen to me, you short-arsed Italian, you pick on the couch, you pick on all couches.
I'm coming to where you live, and I'm gonna take away olive oil! (LAUGHTER) Yeah! And then Then you'll have to cook with Crisp 'n Dry! (LAUGHTER) And it'll all taste like one of them Beefeater restaurants! No matter what you do and how you drizzle and how you impress them on a morning, when you're going (ACCENT) "And what I do-a now is th (LAUGHTER) It's gonna taste like my nan cooked some fucking offal! (LAUGHTER) You messed with the wrong bloke! Oh, bloody shut up, Johnny Vegas.
You're giving me headache.
Oh, and I've got news for ya! Most people don't like rocket, it gets stuck in their teeth! What's that peasant going on about? NARRATOR: 'Things didn't end well for Gino when he played the brand-new game, How Long is a Piece of String?' (BUZZER) And go! Roll into a ball! Roll into a ball! (LAUGHTER) (BURPS) (BOTH CHORTLE) KEITH: 'All the way down.
Not many people go that far down when they're playing the cardboard box game.
There he goes, he's following it into there.
And shut that door! And goodbye to Gino D'Acampo!' (GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) NARRATOR: 'Coming up in part two' (CHEERING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHTER) (GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) You know people forget the real meaning of Christmas, don't you? What? Do you mean getting absolutely smashed before lunch? Exactly! Bottoms up! Bottoms up indeed! Happy birthday, baby Jesus! Amen to that.
Mm.
NARRATOR: 'On the Halloween episode, the studio fell under an evil curse.
'And only one man could lift it.
' VOICEOVER: 'Joey Essex and the Game of Bones.
' (AUDIENCE CHEERING) So Joey is the man for the job.
Our lives are in your hands.
Oh, look.
It's that Joey Essex, Leon.
I hate that Joey Essex.
Ooh, what's up? (LIGHTNING STRIKING) KEITH: There's five different rooms.
So here's your sack to collect your bones.
OK.
Good luck.
HOLLY: Good luck, Joey.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) All right, go! You've not got a lot of time! (CHEERING) We've got you! Don't know where I'm going, man.
This is long.
You look creepy sick, man! (LAUGHTER) Right, go down the corridor! How have they done it like this? This is ridiculous.
I'd need a few stiff ones before I went down that corridor.
You've already had a few stiff ones in your time, darling.
(CHORTLES) What? (CHORTLES) Stiff penis.
Stiff penis.
Oh, Dom.
Stiff penis.
Up the corridor! I might as well have worn a track top, man.
Oh, my God, I'm not fucking Spiderman, bro.
(LAUGHTER) FEARNE: Aw, amazing.
Oh, I can't I'm trapped, mate.
(LAUGHTER) They've done this on purpose.
My fucking wig's come off.
(LAUGHTER) Shit.
KEITH: Oh, he's lost his hair! Oh, look at the other person, there! (LAUGHTER) Keep going! Yep, go in the dressing room! Sh Sh Sh Oh, shit! Go to the mini bar! Donald Trump is shuck.
(LAUGHTER) Keith? Yeah? Who's the geezer in front of me? Or the woman? It's not real.
(CREEPY HUMMING) I've got the Get the bones.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE) (JOEY PANTING) I don't like it, Leon.
Bloody stupid.
Oh! I hate this.
Oh! (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Next room! Next room! Oh! What is that? (LAUGHTER) It's a pig geezer.
It's a pig gee Joey! Oh! Joey! (LAUGHTER) Joey! Can you hear me? They put a trap in here! (LAUGHTER) Joey! They put a trap in.
Joey! What? Put your hands in the bath.
The bones are in the bath.
Taking the liberty, mate.
Don't tell me this is a real person.
OK.
I won't, then.
(LAUGHTER) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Holy fuck! I'm scared.
I think I'm going to black out! Me too, babes.
Yes.
A dirty little pee.
Next dressing room.
I need to go pee.
Are you all right, Joe? I need to go wee.
What? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
I just can't believe how ridiculous this is.
I can't bel Mate.
(SCREAMS) (LAUGHTER) Fuck me.
Mate Mate, this ain't a joke, man.
(APPLAUSE) In the dressing room.
Next dressing room.
The geezer how scared me didn't even have a bone.
(LAUGHTER) (KEITH CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
Come on.
Forget about the poltergeist.
Bloody hell.
This is the scariest one so far.
You can't see anything.
It's pitch black.
This is the scariest one so far.
Can you see anything? Can you see anything? I can't see anything! On the wall on your left? Feel on the wall.
(SCREAMING) (CHAIR CREAKING) It's just a chair! (CREAKING) Do it! I've got it! He's got it.
(LAUGHTER) (SCREAMS) Fuck off! (APPLAUSE) Oh, my So good! Fucking hell! I don't like things like this.
You've got the bones, you've got the bones.
Come back! I don't do this.
Oh, my God.
You scary little fucker, you are.
I hate that Joey Essex.
NARRATOR: 'In one episode, John Barrowman was kidnapped by Gino's Italian mob.
Fearne's team went to look for him in his dressing room.
' (SCREAMING) (LAUGHTER) KEITH: Get in there! All of you, get in there! Find him! Find him! FEARNE: John! Gino, you bastard.
(LAUGHTER) It's so deep! Where are you? It's do deep! Chris Ramsey's balls deep in John Barrowman.
(LAUGHTER) I've got his shoe! I've got his fucking shoe! KEITH: Find him! (SCREAMING) He's in there! (SHOUTING) (LAUGHTER) (SHOUTING) Got him.
Have they got him? Pull! We've found him! They've found him! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Don't lose Fearne! Where is she? (LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH) (LAUGHTER) She's running out of time! Don't die! I've got ya! Oh, I bloody hate ball pits.
Do you like them, June? Yeah.
Hate them.
I don't like arm pits either.
NARRATOR: 'When John returned safe and sound, Gino was forced to apologise.
' Look.
Look what he's just gone through.
Honestly.
I think you should kiss and make-up.
Kiss, kiss, kiss! (AUDIENCE CHANTING) Get your lips out! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) (SHOUTING) (CHEERING) AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! Ooh, that is hot! Yeah, babes.
When I was younger, I wanted to see if I was totally gay or I was bisexual and I wanted to really give it a try.
And I'd never done it.
I thought, "I've got to try this.
I've got to see what I got down there and I went (GROANS) (LAUGHTER) I tried and I was like, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna be sick.
" So I used my finger.
And I did the whole thing without my tongue.
Oh, my God.
That's disgusting.
I feel physically sick.
(BOTH SPLUTTERING) Diving head first into a lasagne.
(GROANS) He should be arrested for that sort of thing.
Here y'are.
Have you ever done that? On a lasagne? No, on a lady.
Once upon a time.
What's it like? Fishy.
Eurgh.
I couldn't do it.
I'm a gold star gay.
I've never had intercourse with a woman.
Ever.
Do I congratulate you for that? (LAUGHTER) Course you do! In the gay world, that's the medal! # GLORIA GAYNOR: I Am What I Am He's a gold star gay.
(CHEERING) Gold star gay! No, you're a gold star gay.
No, you are a gold star gay.
No, you're a gold star gay.
You are a gold star gay.
(GOGGLBOX THEME) NARRATOR: 'Coming up in part three' You're cheating scum! (AUDIENCE GASPING) STEPH: Oh, Merry Christmas, darling.
DOM: Merry Christmas.
Do you know what? I was thinking I might do Dry January.
What are you fucking talking about? Dry January.
Are you fucking mental? Have you lost your brains? Only joking, you daft goof! (BOTH CHORTLE) I'm going to drink more in January! I love you, Steph.
Roll on, Jan! I love your sweet little arsehole.
NARRATOR: 'In one episode of series 16, Holly Willoughby's battle with alcohol came to a head.
' I went to see Holly before the show in her dressing room.
And, erm, it seems like she's had a little tipple.
I think we've got some CCTV footage of her in her room right now.
FEARNE: Oh, God.
There she is.
There she is again.
(LAUGHTER) Classic Willoughby.
It's a tragedy.
(LAUGHTER) It's a big shame.
What a loser! Look at that! Well, she seems bloody sober to me.
Positively teetotal.
Yah.
(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) Eh, I've got your Christmas present here, Leon.
I hope it's no more bloody socks.
Can I open it now? Yes, Leon.
Yeah.
Bloody socks, isn't it? Yeah.
Nice.
I've got summat for you, June.
Oh! Is it the new Michael Buble album, Leon? (GRUNTING) We've run out.
Go on then.
Do the washing.
It's been there for two days.
(SIGHING) Give your minge a wipe, as well, while you're at it.
NARRATOR: 'This series, Professor Stephen Hawking asked Keith to test an important scientific theory.
"Can you catch your dinner if it's travelling at the speed of light?"' There is no way Stephen Hawking has come up with shit like that.
font color="#ff (LAUGHTER) Steve, did you come up with this? ELECTRONIC VOICE: "Yes.
" "I think you should call Brexit.
" (LAUGHTER) (KEITH CACKLES) You got done! Right, you'll take it in turns.
We'll start with you first, Fearne.
Oh! You've got your T-Rex feeding gun.
Look how excited! You witch.
(LAUGHTER) You're talking to the wrong witch, little wanker.
Three, two, one.
(CHEERING) One point.
One point! That was good.
Oh, my God.
Next up, it's the meatballs.
I'm gonna do it bazooka style.
Oh! Three, two, one.
(APPLAUSE) You like-a the meatball? Who the fucking That hurt.
Did you get it? No! You didn't get it.
But you still need the sauce! Aw.
Oh, sauce.
Got your sauce gun? Remember, you're on my team.
Fearne's not.
(LAUGHTER) Three, two, one.
Oh, you (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Is it like Mummy used to make? (LAUGHTER) You like a bit of salad, don't you, Gino? No really.
Not with salad.
All the greens.
Three, two, one.
(CHEERING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE) Another fucking ring! (LAUGHTER) Did you catch any? Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) (BOTH GIGGLE) (BOTH GIGGLE) I've actually got your Christmas present, my little ball of caviar.
Oh, darling.
You're so wonderful.
Don't be silly.
Don't be silly.
There you go.
Oh! You know what I like! I hope it's enough.
You know what I like.
Oh, sweetie, this is just so bloody lovely of you.
Sherry, my favourite! I'm just joking.
Here's your actual gift.
(GASPS) Oh, darling! How Oh! Ho-ho! Yes.
Oh, that's just That is more bloody like it, Dom.
I know you like it big.
Aw, thank you.
Let's pop her open.
Pop it open.
Can you pop her open? I'm too pissed.
Pop her open.
NARRATOR: 'One of the new games this series was the Box Game, sponsored by boxes.
Other boxes are available.
' Three, two, one.
(AIR HORN) (CHEERING) I hate boxes.
Oh, Stacey's well ahead.
Look at Stacey Solomon go! Straight through the box wall.
Oh! Closely followed by Pamela Anderson.
What I wouldn't do to be inside Pamela's box.
Oh, Dom.
You are awful.
(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) KEITH: Swash, Swash! Swash, this way.
This way.
That's it.
Solomon's off the track.
Schofield is entering the studio.
Keep under your box.
Keep under the box! (CHEERING) Closely followed by Fearne Cotton.
He's having trouble with the stage.
It looks like there's some sort of action going on here.
They're getting on top of each other.
Swash, do not use this as an opportunity to have a touch and feel with Pamela Anderson.
(CHEERING) Fearne is in front of them.
Oh, look! Swash is taking over! Schofield is about to go up! Schofield, you've crossed the finish line.
You're here.
You've got it.
You need Holly to come.
Oosh! Closely followed by Cotton Chops! This way! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! Oh, God, this game is simply fabulous.
Fabulous.
Gino! AUDIENCE CHANTING: Gino! Gino! Gino! Straight! Fearne Cotton is passing the finish line.
Closely followed by Solomon.
(KEITH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Ooh, it's close! You can still take this! Holly's done it! (CHEERING) Pamela Anderson has just crossed the finishing line.
Who have we got left? Olly Murs ain't got a clue.
We could be here for 24 hours.
That's the name of his new album.
Swash has found the ramp.
Keep going! Across the finish line.
Olly is about to.
(CHEERING) Past the finishing line.
I hate that Olly Murs.
There's an enquiry.
Oh, shit the bed! (LAUGHTER) So, the first people past the finishing line were Holly and Phillip.
Yes! But But! Did you cheat? No! Phillip (LAUGHTER) Phillip got out of his box and guided Holly.
(ALL BOOING) Thus .
.
they are both disqualified.
They told me to go back and get her.
We've got footage.
We've got evidence.
Let's have a look.
Closely followed by Solomon.
They said to me the last time she did it, she ended up by the bins And everyone left me.
.
.
for such a long time, there weren't even any cameras there.
(LAUGHTER) I asked him to not leave me and he was my true friend.
He didn't leave me.
AUDIENCE: Aww! You are cheating scum! June.
June.
Fallen asleep.
(GROANS) (GRUNTS) Where's that brandy butter? Where's that Leon, what are you doing? Leon! June.
Leon! I thought you were asleep.
Leon! Have you woken up? (SIGHS) Leon! Where's that brandy butter? I don't know.
I thought you were asleep, June.
(GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) NARRATOR: 'Coming up in the final part' Bastards! Hold onto your tits.
Think with clarity.
(GOGGLEBOX THEME MUSIC) (SNORING) (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) She's fallen asleep.
(MUTTERS) A man's gotta do .
.
what a man's gotta do.
(STIRS) (STRAINING) That's better.
NARRATOR: 'On discovering Pamela Anderson's passion for animal rights, Keith desperately tried to impress her.
' Pamela, can I just say, is there's any animal ever in trouble, I'm always there.
If I hear a cry for help (HIGH-PITCHED WAILING) That sounds like a cat in distress.
What's going on backstage? (HIGH-PITCHED WAILING) HOLLY: Oh! (LAUGHTER) There's three naughty bad men about to shoot a kitten! Right.
Just hold the show right there.
I love animals.
Complete bastards! # BONNIE TYLER: Holding Out For A Hero (HIGH-PITCHED WAILING) Point that fucking gun at me as much as you want but if you hurt that cat, I'll fucking bray ya! Ya bastards! Come on, then! (SPRAYING) Come on! Look! Look up there! You bastards! How are you, little fella? Cute.
(CHEERING) Oh, my God.
That cat is so cute.
Aw! I'm not a pussy man, myself.
I almost forgot, I got you a little something else, June.
Oh, that's nice, Leon.
Merry Christmas.
Mm.
It's cos I love ya.
What is it? You know I love you, don't ya? Oh, it's exciting.
I love ya.
June, you know what love is? What's that, Leon? What do I do with this? They say that love is never-ending.
It's a double-ended dildo, June.
Oh, Leon.
Leon! You can put it in you and put it in me.
We can be together forever.
I love you, June.
Leon! Is it t'wrong colour? NARRATOR: 'In series 16, Keith borrowed a chair from his friend Jonesy from NASA to make a favourite Juice game extreme.
' (APPLAUSE) VOICEOVER: 'The Five Second Fool Xtreme!' There's no lady like way about this, is there? No Oh, God.
Yeah.
You've got short Quite short, aren't ya? Just keep your legs shut, we don't want to see your dick.
(LAUGHTER) It might pop out.
Yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Seriously! (LAUGHTER) Fearne, give me three things that you wash.
My clothes, my socks, and my child's toys.
(PING) You wash your child's toys? (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (LAUGHTER) (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Three Three things that a blind person might use.
A dog, a stick, and Braille.
(PING) Oh! (APPLAUSE) (CACKLING) I'm getting carpet burn on my thighs.
Three things you wouldn't do with a kettle.
Erm, what you wouldn't do with a kettle? Er, stick it up your arse.
And I don't know what else.
I think I've lost my mind.
(BUZZER) (APPLAUSE) Fearne Cotton, everyone! (CHEERING) Whoo-hoo-hoo! That chair's a piece of shit, June.
Oh, Leon.
It's Christmas.
I hate Christmas.
Bah humbug.
I hate humbug.
KEITH: 'Right.
Ready?' Yeah, hang on.
You got a good hold of them? Aye, they're all right.
They're secure.
Hold onto your tits.
Think with clarity.
(LAUGHTER) GINO: What the fuck? (LAUGHTER) Why-aye! (LAUGHTER) Three things you gobble.
Er, potatoes, penis, pasties! (PING) (LAUGHTER) Three Geordie noises.
Ee, why-aye, how-ay! (PING) (LAUGHTER) Three things you can spit on.
Oh, God, erm Cocks, people, and dogs? (PING) (LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) Vicky Pattison, everyone! Steph, do you remember when you got that bottle stuck in your vagina? Chardonnay, I believe.
No, it was definitely you.
Egg nog, Leon? I don't like egg.
Or nog.
I hope you're having a good time cos next up is an oldie but a goldie but we've rebranded it.
It used to be called "In Your Face.
" But we've changed the name of it.
You'll see why.
It's called VOICEOVER: 'The Incredible Hulk's Arsehole.
' (CHEERING) First up to play this game together, it's Holly and Phil.
(CHEERING) I'm gonna transport you onto a celebrity's body.
Now Oosh! (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER) That's never a good sign.
It's never a good sign.
What the hell is that? So (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS) Cos you're both up there, I'll play part of your team and you'll ask me.
OK.
Are we We'll start with Holly.
Are we a double act? (LAUGHTER) Yes.
OK.
Are we Are we .
.
male and female? Yes.
OK.
Are we on television? Yes.
Are we always on television together? Yes.
Holly, look down to your right.
My right? Yes.
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) Phil, Phil.
Just to line it up, look down.
Look down.
That's it.
Like you've stumped your toe! (LAUGHTER) Are we on This Morning? On This Morning? No.
Are we us? What? Are we us? Yes! (CHEERING AND WHOOPING) Why would there be that reaction? Eh? Mother of God! (LAUGHTER) Holy shit! It's sex week on This Morning.
(LAUGHTER) I hope they wiped down that bloody sofa afterwards.
Schofield, you cheeky bugger.
Oh! Dirty bugger! Burnt on my retina, that awful image.
Dirty bugger.
Bloody bugger.
Bloody bugger.
Buggery-bum-bum.
NARRATOR: 'Don't worry, viewers, we haven't forgotten.
It's now time for the series 16 best bits montage.
' Oh, yes! It's a montage! I love montages.
Montages! Montages! Love them.
Yes! I love a bloody effing montage! Oh, I love a good montage.
I fucking love montages.
Fucking love them.
Bloody fucking montages.
Fucking love them.
Royally fucking love them.
(SUCKING AIR) I hate montages.
Hello, my name is Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice, Series 16! All right! # JUSTIN BIEBER: Sorry Can I remove this? Remove anything you want, Holly.
(WHOOPING) It's only a fucking t-shirt.
(CHEERING) (MOUTHING WORDS) (QUACKING A TUNE) Whatever you do, do not show me your teeth.
How's Stacey gonna do that? Sometimes, imagine you've got a really poorly bum and it looks like this.
(LAUGHTER) For a point for your team, Ollie, are you willing to get in there? I would literally rather guide my mother into my father.
(LAUGHTER) (CLAPPING) (SNORTING A TUNE) I would rip you a new one.
(LAUGHTER) All you need to do is the clitosteris.
(LAUGHTER) Have you fed your horse? My horse? You know, when you feed the horse.
Yeah, everything's been fed.
(LAUGHTER) Shall we play a game? Go! # DNCE: Cake By The Ocean See you later! Whoa, whoa! (CHEERING) (SCREAMING) What the fuck are you doing? (MOUTHS WORDS) You can't do that to me.
(CHEERING) FEARNE: Oh, Holly! Stacey, will you marry me for this point? Yeah, but what if Just say yes, there's a lot of peopl Merry Christmas, Leon.
I hate Christmas.
I love you, though, June.
Oh, Leon.
I hate holding hands.
Bottoms up! Up the bottom! (BOTH CHORTLE) NARRATOR: 'Merry Christmas, viewers.
'