The Simpsons s16e15 Episode Script

Hey, Lis, there's your boyfriend.
Oh, yeah? Well, there's your girlfriend.
Yeah, well, you love Moleman.
No, you do.
You're gay for Moleman! You're gay for Moleman! No one's gay for Moleman.
Where are we? - You're gay for Moleman! Bart, Lisa, welcome.
I've been expecting you.
Your gasps are appropriate, because I have perfectly predicted the future.
How did you know we were coming? Because, my dear, I have mastered the one true science: astrology.
Don't you mean astronomy? No, my dear, I said astrology.
For years, you see, astrology was the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of the sciences not so good.
But with new, more powerful computers, astrology can show you the future.
Would you like to see yourselves as teenagers? No.
Let's go there now.
Feast your eyes on the wondrous world of eight years from Tuesday.
Kids, come down for your prom photo.
Smile.
Oh, it's so great.
We can do anything now that scientists have invented magic.
I'm so proud of you.
Lisa, graduating two years early, and, Bart graduating.
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? Homer, we're separated now.
You can't just walk in without knocking.
Well, maybe I was partying so hard with my single friends last night, I forgot the rules.
Could you please stop fighting in front of us? Why? Is it messing you up? Homer, just settle down.
We just got a postcard from Maggie.
She's really enjoying Alaska.
Stupid wildlife, serves 'em right.
Lisa, your date's here.
Hey, Lisa.
Milhouse?! Ugh! I've been turning him down for the prom since kindergarten.
Uh, yes.
You relented at age 12 when he pulled you out of a house fire.
Which you later found out he started.
You should have seen the look on your face.
In fact, here it is.
Now, back to your teens.
Sorry I'm late, Lisa.
I was at the gym, totally gunning my lats.
Just gunning them.
Oh, man.
The deposit on this tux was 200 Reagans.
Hey, everybody.
Bart, you're lookin' crook-ed.
Hey, Jenda, how 'bout some forehead? That was jagged.
when I was a kid we didn't show our affection by head-butting.
Oh, Marge Oh, right.
Separated.
Who knew that bio-engineered food would to lead to smart puke? You think you're better than me, eh, puke? So, Nelson, who did you end up bringing tonight? Sherri or Terri? Uh, it didn't seem fair to choose.
Welcome, seniors and sexually precocious underclassmen.
I'd like to say good-bye to those who are going off to college, or to fight in Gulf War Five: "Operation Find Our President's Head.
" USA.
Find the head.
USA.
Find the head.
And now, here's Assistant Principal Kearney.
Okay, I want a nice, clean prom.
That means no booze, kick, puff, doze, maxx, stim or turb.
Remember, "Stim Kills.
" It's what turned Superintendent Chalmers into a vegetable.
Skinner.
Skinner.
Skinner.
I can use the potty now.
Your brother is so hot.
- Stop telling me that.
Oh, sorry, Lisa.
Sink activate.
I love your dress.
Soap activate.
Bart tells me you got into Yale.
Sink terminate.
Yeah, even though McDonald's owns Yale now, it's still a great school.
And I could never afford to go there if I hadn't won the Montgomery Burns Scholarship.
Oh, yeah, that's the thing he had to do as punishment for stealing Christmas.
Yeah.
I miss Christmas.
I don't.
So, any plans after graduation? Travel.
Do you need a traveling companion, perchance? Travel canceled.
Whoa, look out! Bart, are you sure about this limo driver you hired? I can fly.
I can fly.
Just kidding, I know I can't fly.
I can glide, though.
Jenda, I think we're ready to go all the way.
But I'm a little nervous.
Bart, don't be nervous.
Sex on prom night is as American as our 51st state: Saudi-Israelia.
Jenda, that's not what I meant.
I love you.
Will you marry me? That's really sweet but marriage is a three-year commitment.
I mean, do you even know what you're gonna do with your life? I've got it all figured out.
You can waitress while I learn to cut meat.
We'll live in a trailer, but to avoid paying for parking, I'll drive while you sleep.
We'll never, ever stop.
Bart, I hate to say this, But I think I outgrew you.
When? - Just this minute.
Okay, love birds.
Break it up.
Hey, this one's alone.
What a loser.
Here, you want some chicken? Just grab it with your hands, go ahead.
We're not fancy here.
I'm tired of this.
I want to look at a different future.
Kang and Kodos Invasion Vice-President Cletus Moe Gets E-mail Flander's Revenge Maggie's D.
U.
I.
Lenny's Super Pet So that's how Jenda dumped me.
Son, sometimes people just grow apart, like me and your mom.
No, Mom dumped you 'cause you blew all our money on this underwater house.
She'll realize she was a fool, when Hey! Come back with my patio furniture! Stupid flounders.
Hey, I've got a great idea.
We'll find some new lady friends.
Come on, boy, we're hitting the town.
After decompressing, of course.
So what do you do to kill time in here? There's a DVD player, but it doesn't work.
Why'd you buy the first hover car ever made? Didn't you know it'd take time to work out the kinks? I know! It's a hover car! What a beautiful world this will be What a glorious time to be free.
All right! You guys are my new best friends.
You wish, loser! Plastic Surgery Center : Celebrity Buttocks, Nipple Relocations and Fluffy Tails Give Apes the Vote You won't regret it Hey, Moe, hey, Moe-clone.
Hiya Homer.
- Hi, Homer.
Hey, hey, hey! I don't pay you to socialize.
Oh, right.
You're the people person.
Watch it with the attitude, mister.
You came from my back fat! Boy, I think I see my two favorite letters of the alphabet: E-Z.
You moron! Why did I ever think I needed a clone? Hey, I'm not the clone, you're the clone! Oh, please, not this again.
Son, say hello to Edna.
Dad, that's my fourth grade teacher! Hi, Mrs.
K.
This is sure weird, huh? Want it to get weirder? I don't think so.
Good call, Bart.
We can both do better.
I wish I could talk to my fourth-grade self just once.
I'd say "Work hard, don't be such a screw up.
" This time is so precious.
Don't waste it.
Bart, maybe you should listen to this.
Oh! Now I have to start over.
Is that robot break-dancing? No.
He activated his self-destruct mechanism.
Love can really be painful.
Tell me about it.
I broke up with Milhouse.
How'd he take it? What Lisa's problem? Milhouse mother say Milhouse handsome! I guess everyone in this family is doomed to wind up alone.
Look, if you want Jenda to take you back you should show some initiative; get a job.
A career? No problem.
I speak three languages.
Armpit noises are not a language.
Oh, yeah? Look, my point is, show Jenda you want to be successful and she might take you back.
It's never too late for love.
I am so glad you think so.
Kids, I want you to know I've started seeing someone.
He's from Springfield.
I think you know him.
Krusty the Clown is dating your mom! When Jenda hears about my great new career, she'll definitely take me back.
You missed a spot.
Do it again! Yes, Mr.
Gheet.
I'm Anoop, you racist cracker! Bart, I need you to make a delivery to an elderly shut-in.
And to get there, you must go through the forbidden zone.
Which one? Radioactive, smallpox, eternal midnight No, no.
The one with the uni-clams.
I get it.
You can't tip me because your hands are tied.
My Dad pulls that scam all the time.
Don't move, teenage Bart.
I've got you covered with my phaser-slash-cell phone.
Dude, this is totally not the time to call me.
I don't know.
Some kind of pasta.
Look, just get me what you're having, all right? Not that.
What soups do they have? Blessed urchin! How can I reward you? With the diamond? No, sorry.
My diamonds are going to be retro-morphed into coal the most valuable substance on Earth.
I know.
I'll send you to Yale with the Monty Burns Scholarship.
I can't take your scholarship! It's going to my sister.
It would break her heart.
Don't be so quick to say no.
The ladies love an ivy-leaguer They do? Once I home-invaded this Princeton dude, and he was like totally married.
Well, I guess an intensive four-year bachelor of arts program is the easiest way to get Jenda back.
Hello, Smithers.
Nice of you to drop by after my life was saved.
Sir, you knew I was on a date.
Mr.
Smithers? I thought you were you know No, I'm straight.
As long as I take these injections every ten minutes.
I love boobies! It's so great that Yale has finally forbidden men from taking science.
Now let's see, should I major in Femistry or Galgebra? Listen, Lis, I've gotta tell you something.
I'm going to Yale.
What? I don't want to go to the same college as you.
Then I've got some great news! You're not going to Yale! Hey, I didn't do anything! Yet.
You've wrecked my life! You're gonna wreck my life! Hey, Marge, why are you with Krusty? These kids are too old for clowns.
Actually, Homer, I'm into your lady.
Hey, man, she's not my lady anymore.
We split up, it's all cool I I'll kill you! Once they destroy each other Then we make our move.
Yes, we make our move.
What? A spider got into the cloning machine.
Attention, everyone.
Please welcome our valedictorian, Lisa Simpson.
She will be attending Yale I mean, Hot Dog on a Stick Management Camp.
That's odd.
You get into Yale and Lisa can't go anymore? Hey, what can I say.
I love learning.
Bartholomew Simpson! What? Come and get your diploma.
Why don't you mail it to your butt? Bart, now that you've graduated I can finally say this: you really press my cider.
Yo, Bart, good to see you're back with Jenda.
Hey, Nelson.
What's up with your girlfriends? They each had twins.
Listen, girls I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes.
Isn't that what your father said the day he left you? Yeah.
I never understood why he did it till now.
I'm coming, Papa! Lisa had no right to break up with me.
I'm not the first guy to get a nosebleed during a slow dance.
I'd better go talk to him.
Well, don't take too long.
I think this might be our special night.
Why did Lisa dump me? Is it because of my small calves? They're the hardest place to add mass! Cheer up, Milhouse.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
Hey, I remember when you were a nerdy little fourth-grader.
And now you're an emotionally crippled mini-Hulk.
What girl wouldn't want that? Do you think Lisa might see that now that she's got nothing else? I guess so.
Time to strike while the iron is sad! All right.
Three hours to blast my quads.
Bart, what's wrong? You seem distracted.
I was just thinking about Milhouse and Lisa.
What are you thinking about now? Hey, that rundown old house looks familiar.
That's where Doc Frink used to live.
I never had this problem with Todd Flanders.
This machine lets us look into the future.
Wouldn't that be romantic? I'll tell you what would be romantic.
Making love for the first time.
Totally.
Right after I fiddle with these dials and levers.
You know, I was thinking of taking a poetry class at the community college.
Forget it.
I had to sell all my marrow to pay the light bill.
I didn't have much marrow.
I can't let that happen.
I got to go.
Listen, Bart, if you leave me now, I can guarantee one thing about your future-- I won't be in it.
Not going to Yale isn't the end of the world.
Yeah, I'm starting to see that.
No, I mean, you're screwed.
Your only hope is to clutch at straws.
Straws who've always loved you.
Really? Really.
Ca-can I kiss you? Have you eaten onions lately? No.
And it's really hard 'cause I'm on an all-onion diet.
well okay.
I guess this is my destiny.
What are you doing? Keeping Lisa from destroying her life.
Come on, let her destroy it.
Lenny, Carl, can you pull me out? Sorry, we're ghosts now.
Our spirits live in those two trees.
Or, maybe we're alive and we just feel like jerkin' you around.
Or maybe we're one of each.
Look, I'm not taking the scholarship.
You're the one who deserves to go to Yale.
That's so noble.
But what about Jenda? Hey, I'm waiting till I find a girl who likes me for me.
And you will.
At the age of 83.
You die one minute later.
And my brain is put in a Pauper's grave.
Well, Bart, I really appreciate what you're going to do for me.
But what happens to our parents? Marge, I thought you'd never take me back after what I did to Krusty.
You mean get beaten up by him? Exactly.
And I'll admit, it is kind of romantic under the sea.
You don't know the half of it.
Come with me my love to the sea The sea of love I want to tell you how much I love you This sucks.
I want to see Vice President Cletus.
You want me to attend the funeral of the Sultan of Brunei? Well, I would consider it my honor.
Hey, Brandine, pack my evenin' britches.
We's goin' to Brunei.
Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon