American Dad s16e17 Episode Script

1 Why do we have a damn bell?! This is a college! Sorry I'm late.
The dean is getting his ass kicked in the parking lot.
It's so messed up.
Nobody is stopping to help.
Yeesh.
So this is old Corpsey herself, huh? Ugh! What'd, they leave her out in the sun? Aah! Oh, I didn't miss anything, did I? I was just trying to catch a little catnap before class started.
G-G-G-G-G-Going on is what? Hayley, this is our new lab partner.
She's a SNAB.
A Student of Notable Age or Background.
And her name's Anus.
Eunice.
Yahh! Dammit! Wow.
98 years old, and you're going back to college.
You're never too old to follow your dreams.
I find that so inspiring.
I'll tell you what I find inspiring.
The student bodies.
Sweet Georgia Brown.
I happen to have an interest in the fellas and the gals.
Daaamn, old lady! Ooh, ooh, and another thing about my new friend Eunice another thing is, she is so funny.
Check out this hilarious picture of us pretending to hump the tope-liary animals out front of the Women's Center.
You didn't tell us she was an old age person.
Barf City, population no thank you.
Now, Francine, I too was once put off by old people, but then I had an adventure about them that changed my mind.
I'm always having adventures and learning life-changing lessons from them.
This week, I'm converting our mud room into a man cave.
I wonder what I'll learn from that.
Well, I say, "Go young or go home.
" No old-o.
Well, I think Eunice is a deeply inspirational SNAB.
And I hope I'm just like her when I get old.
Oh, you're not going to be like Eunice.
You're going to be like your mom.
Pff.
Sha-yeah-hah right.
It's fate.
Every woman eventually becomes her mother.
- Will I become my mother? - No.
Every man marries his mother.
Noice.
Hayley, think of all the ways you're already like Francine.
Laid-back, except for quick bursts of anger.
Lazy.
Heavy substance abuse.
For you, weed.
For Francine, collectible "Guardians of the Galaxy" Big Gulp cups full of white wine.
You should consider yourself lucky, Hayley.
This is Francine we're talking about here.
I'm an icon.
I'm sorry, but me become like you? Gross.
It's like, Barf City, population no thank you.
Oh, see, right there? Francine just said that like two minutes ago! - No, she didn't.
- Barf City, population no thank you.
Roger, why were you recording us? I'm recording everything these days.
I'm afraid the political atmosphere inside my improv team, Pizza Party Weekend, has me a bit paranoid.
There's snakes in the grass.
Certain members want me out.
- Which ones? - All of them.
Every single one of them.
Well, Hayley, too bad for you that you're gonna end up being like me, whether you like it or not.
Now, I see it's time for my 10:00 a.
m.
nap, so Ugh! Here comes another one of your obnoxious little sayings.
Give Momma some sugar so she can have them sweet dreams.
Ugh! Barfsylvania Population nothankyula.
Aah! Oh! You don't have a big squiggly mustache! For the last time, Jeff, we are listing the ways I am different from my mom, not Wario.
Oh, Hayley! Looky what I found in the old picture album.
You can barely tell us apart.
Yeah, only because you were always trying to make me a frilly, princessy little clone of yourself.
Oh, excuse me for ever trying to bond with my daughter.
Bond?! Ha! You just wanted your own personal Mini-Me.
Like that Halloween that you went as Mini-Me and you made me go as Mini-Mini-Me.
But I didn't wanna be Mini-Me.
I wanted to be Minnie Mouse.
Or at least Mini-Minnie Mouse.
But that's what Dad and Steve got to go as! But it's okay.
Because I couldn't be more different from you.
Oh, yeah? Why don't you check my old senior picture? You wore a headband, too? Face it, Hayley.
There's too much of me in you already.
My genes.
My cooking.
My double-jointedness.
- You're double-jointed? - Yes.
And so are you! Toodle-oo, Future Me! Well, Steve, through ruthless cunning, I seized control of Pizza Party Weekend and fired all the other members.
Had to be done.
It was a nest of vipers.
A den of vipers.
Plus, none of them could do characters for crap.
But now I gotta find a whole new team! What about me and my friends? Our drunk driving skit got big laughs at the pre-prom assembly last year.
Hmm.
How was the prom? It was a bloodbath.
Drunk driving was way up.
I don't know.
Maybe we could do a trial practice, test the chemistry, play a little Splooch Magooch.
- What's that? - Classic improv warm-up game.
You don't know Splooch Magooch? Oh, my God.
This is not gonna work.
No way.
But I'm up against it.
You're in.
All of you.
Full member status.
Welcome to the big leagues.
We practice in a public park.
Gotta get rid of my headbands.
No, wait! Mom got rid of hers! But does that mean I need to keep mine? CannisterCo? That's Mom's brand! Babe? - Are you alright? - No, Jeff! I am definitely not [BLEEP.]
alright! I have to get rid of anything related to my mom! What about that dress? I hereby sentence you to become your mother! If you just had a nightmare, please don't tell me about it.
No need for both of us to get scared.
Wait a minute.
That's it.
A way I'm not anything like my mom.
You.
Oh, she would never marry someone like you.
Almost nobody would.
Ah, thanks, babe.
I'm not becoming my mother.
I'm glad, too.
No offense, but being married to Mrs.
S? Barf City, population no thank you.
Laid-back except for quick bursts of anger.
Why is this mother-[BLEEP.]
Junior Jumble so hard?! - Gaah! - Lazy.
Oh, man.
I sure am tired from that quick burst of anger.
Heavy substance abuse.
Oh, my God.
I'm not becoming my mother.
I married her.
Now, give Momma some sugar so she can have them sweet dreams.
Mrs.
S, can I sleep with you and Mr.
S tonight? Hayley realized it's actually me who's like you, and now she's madder than Wario! It's you who's like me, huh? Aren't you happy? You're not going to become your mom.
Yeah, but I sure as hell don't want to be married to her, either.
Jeff needs to be de-Francine-ified.
Starting with those beloved golden locks of his.
- Say, where is Jeff? - No idea.
I've been working like a dog on my man-cave all morning.
That's right.
I'm still doing that.
Brother, I need to hydrate.
Oh, hey there.
We just got back from the most amazing girls' day out.
Look, babe! We got mani-ped-a-files! You're just doing this to get back at me, aren't you? Actually, Hayley, maybe I'm just happy to finally have a "daughter" who wants to do things with me.
You know what? I don't have time for this.
My study group got moved up to noon.
Eunice sent me a text.
On what? A telegraph? No, Francine, on her phone.
Which she did mail to me in an envelope.
I gotta get this back to her.
Splooch Magooch, there's a monkey in my cooch, and he came out to give me a And then, Barry, bud, you say an adjective and noun that start with "A".
Whatever pops into your head.
Don't worry about trying to be funny.
- Doesn't have to be funny.
- Angry apple.
How is that funny? I Oh, my God, we are so screwed.
Now, if I'm up next, for example, and I've got "B", I'm just gonna fire off something super funny, like How about Bronx banana? Heh.
You know, like a like a tough New Yawk banana? Like, "'Ey, I'm peelin' here!" "You peelin' to me?" Alright.
That's more like it.
There may be hope for us yet.
Looks like we got ourselves a funnyman here.
Okay, Steve, you think you can push me out? Game on.
Mr.
Steve's Uncle, sir? What should I do here? Well, whatever you do, don't blow him.
He just keeps coming back again and again.
Wow, Eunice.
Look at all these incredible things you've done.
Professional female wrestling, fighting alongside Jane Fonda and the Viet Cong, founding member of the Shangri-Las and Buckcherry, hang gliding, bang gliding.
How did you make such an amazing life for yourself? I decided early on I wanted an exciting life.
My own life.
So, I left home at 12.
Cut all ties.
It had to be done.
I didn't want to be anything like my parents.
- Are you? - Heavens no.
And neither, for that matter, is Milford, my husband.
Husband? Any of you study buddies call for an old fuddy duddy? Ha! That's us in our younger days.
But you are only ever as old as you feel.
Milford here is 102 and still sharp as a tack.
That's right.
Well, I'm off to the lab to play tiddlywinks with Morbo.
Goodbye, Constance! I take two steps forward And I do, too We stay together 'Cause I am just like you Give your momma some sugar so we can have them sweet dreams! No! Your personality is not going to dictate who I am! Or who I'm with! Ah don't want your life! And ah don't want your wife! I am cutting all ties with you! Forever! Alright.
Next up, we got Tuttle with "Magic Stick".
Pizza Party Weekenders! Some of you have expressed, both to me directly and to one another in private phone calls, concerns about my "mental state" and how hard I've been riding our rising star here, so I just wanted to let you know that Steve and I had a good talk and, well, he agrees, and I do, too, - that he's out of the group.
- What?! Can't be trusted.
He's out.
Steve's out.
And Buck-Knife Joe is in.
Are you sure that's a good idea? Look, Buck-Knife Joe might have a knife around his neck, but you know what he doesn't have? An agenda.
Now, let's have some fun, you buncha damn Judases! I'm sorry to barge in on you like this.
I-I-I just didn't know where else to go.
That's alright, dear.
You just go on and get yourself out of those wet clothes.
You can borrow some of ours.
Don't worry! You're not going to be your mother! And neither is your husband! Because you and your husband are going to be us.
Oh, it seems like I saw something I'm not supposed to, but rest assured, I have absolutely no idea what's happening.
Please, do go on.
Yo, U-Dog, you sure you don't mind us wearing your fancy old threads, kemosabe? Oh, not at all, dear.
My, don't they just fit you perfectly.
Ugh! Do you have any other tattoos I should know about? I got a Jill Stein riding a surfboard on my upper thigh, but it's usually covered up with pubes.
Wait.
Why? That's enough damn pecan sandies! They'll go straight to my Eh, your calves.
Ba-duh! Mom? I thought you convinced the girl to cut all ties! I did! - What do you want? - My daughter.
- Well, I am not coming back with you.
- Not you! Jeff.
Well, he's not going anywhere.
Actually, none of us are until this storm lets up.
Road's flooded.
Just barely made it up here.
Yo, Milhouse, this the shitter? I had a chalupa or two on the drive over.
What the Oh.
My.
God.
Sweet man cave! Love the mad scientist theme.
"Beakman's World"! And I bet the secret entrance keeps the wife out on game day, amirite? Holy moly! Can you smoke a brisket in this baby? What is this, Sears? How much this baby put you back? What you got going here? Brewski fridge? You know, all this place really needs is chili pepper lights everywhere, and then right there And then right there, Spuds MacKenzie poster.
Hold up.
I got like 10 in the car.
Cool dress, Hayley.
I love how it does absolutely nothing for you.
Says the woman who dresses like the pink ghost from "Pac-Man".
Enough! I cannot stand the inane prattling of you two trifling fools any longer! I'm not Eunice.
I'm Dr.
Constance Von Stroheim! And with my husband, I've discovered the key to eternal life.
And you shall be our vessels! Morbo! What's a Morbo? Seize them, you stupid brute! Aaaah! Aaaah! Wow.
Biggest turnout ever.
I know things got a little bumpy there for a little while, but I think we came out the other end all the stronger for it.
Now, why don't we warm up with a little Vroom Zoom Kaboom? - Vroom.
- Zoom.
You're out.
You're all out.
I'm sorry.
I-I just can't work with people I can't trust.
Buck-Knife Joe has some friends.
They're in.
No time to practice, so we'll just have to do warm-up games for the show.
Splooch Magooch, there's a monkey in my cooch, and he came out to give me a Big surprise! The original members of Pizza Party Weekend? Can't do characters, can we? Well, now that we have a majority again, you are out! The lesson from this adventure is clear.
I'm just too trusting.
So, the hubby called an audible, and for the time being, he will be taking the body of your vivacious mother here.
- Ow! - And we decided to use Jeff's body for the brain of our beloved cat, Mr.
Poopie.
And what have you done with Stan you nutcase? Oh, nothing too bad.
I crushed up an allergy pill into his malt liquor.
He's sleeping like a little angel on the upstairs Davenport.
Get your filthy hands off my body, you putrid oaf! This will just take a sec.
I shouldn't have taken off with Jeff like that.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have come here, and you'd be safe.
Oh, Hayley, I didn't really come for Jeff.
I came to meet Eunice.
What? Why? Because you seem to want to follow in her footsteps so much.
I really never did want you to be just like me.
But I did wanna be someone you'd want to be like.
Oh, Mom.
You are.
There's a lot of things about me that I'm glad I got from you.
Oof.
Arm's cramping from all that whipping.
What a putrid oaf, right? Anywho, time to make some space in those pretty heads for our beautiful minds.
Hold hands while we die? Can't.
Strapped down.
Yes, you can.
You're double-jointed.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Raaahhh! Mom, wake up! Let's go! Morbo, you beastly fool! Attack! Morbo! What the hell? Why do you do what she says? Seriously.
Wa-peesh! Ha-ha! Very funny.
But Morbo not "whipped", okay? Morbo, you're quite literally whipped, like all the time.
What are you waiting for, you stupid, hideous fiend?! Get them! Wha ?! - Mom, listen.
I'm so - Hayley, excuse me, but I had a crazy dream just now that made me realize something.
I should be spending time with my family, not hiding away from them in a cave.
- Dad, that's not what we - Hold on.
Wanna get Steve on speaker for this, too.
Hey, Dad, what's up? I see now that a cave is a place for a bear, not a man.
The only kind of cave I want to be in from now on is a family cave.
Well, your father just cracked open another 40, so guess I'm driving.
You want to follow me home? I wouldn't have it any other way, Mom.
Bye! Have a great time!