The Simpsons s16e17 Episode Script

Somethin's comin', Sarge.
Somethin' big! Stay strong, men! The United States is due to win a war sometime.
Oh, good Lord, it's a Swingline! Medic! Skinner! Uh, yes, Superintendent Chalmers? Do you know what today is? Today? Yes! Of course I do.
Happy birthday to you, ha It's not my birthday, Seymour.
You know I'm a Sagittarius.
Really? I'm a Libra.
There's a lot of compatibility there.
Skinner, be gay on your own time.
Today is the day we choose who gets the school's vending-machine contract.
I anticipate quite the-dog-and-pony show.
Sir, this school has a strict no-animal policy.
I assume these are hypothetical dogs and poni? Everyone likes a gumball machine, so why not a gumbo machine? Does your school nurse treat burns? Nope.
It couldn't be simpler! Kids write down what they want, put their money in the can, and I take the bus to the supermarket, and bring the snacks the next day.
Is that a yes? Kids want a snack that skateboards, won't clean its room and hates homework.
That's why we created Scarf-ables by Scammer & Z-Dog! These two spokes-rebels were invented by the marketing team that came up with Hip-Hopsicles, the urban popsicle.
Yes.
I saw those when my normal grocery store was on strike.
Well, here's what really seals the deal.
Slide your green into the machine and don't expect any change, dog! It's like a fundraising school bake sale with slang as the Saran Wrap! And a subsonic neuro-jammer disrupts the child's judgment center.
Fair enough.
I assume these snacks are nutritious? That's really none of our business.
The bottom line is, half the profits go to your school or camp.
You heard the lady.
Just sign the damn contract.
Wow, Krishna Krisps, Amazonkers, Lollapalollipops.
These sound like my kind of snacks.
Oh, Dalai Lamanade! Oh, my God! Look at these ingredients! Hydrogenated petroleum oil, monosodium poisonate, partially de-weaponized plutonium"?! Attention, duped masses! These new vending machine snacks are crammed with processed sugar, industrial byproducts and trans-fatty acids! Don't flava-hate, participate! The machine makes a good point.
Don't be a follower, be a snack swallower! It's fun to obey the machine! Way to go, dude! You're five cents away from an awesome beverage or snack.
I'm outta money! Willie, you wanna buy my skateboard? Why not? For once, it'll be all eyes on Willie! Look at me, I'm an American boy! Stairway! I'm getting the No, I'm not! Okay, I'm all right.
No! Ah! I spoke too soon! That's better.
What are you looking at, ya bastards! Bart, I spent all afternoon stuffing tuna fish into that steak.
Have some.
No, thanks.
The vending machines at school feed me now.
Oh, so I've been replaced by a machine? Marge, no machine could ever replace you.
Why, you're the Or could it? Oh Marge-bot, I'm ready for some lovin'! Why did I give her a gun? But I repeat: No one is being replaced by a machine until all the kinks are worked out.
Well, until that day, I'm still Bart's mother, and I don't like him stuffing himself with junk.
Oh, fine.
Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy and I feel like a-loving you love, you're such a sweet thing good enough to eat thing and it's just a-what I'm gonna do Ooh, love, to hold ya Ooh, love, to kiss ya Ooh, love, I love it so Be careful! My heart it hurts so much.
Like it's caught in a vise! My little boy's in love.
I think he's having a heart attack! Come on, son, you can fight this! Do The Bart Man! Do The Bart Man! Why don't you dance?! Dance! Doctor, little kids aren't supposed to have heart attacks.
They're supposed to skin their knees, and poke their eyes out, and be smothered by cats.
Well, Bart had a heart attack and it's his own damn fault.
These dark spots in his pulmonary arteries are malted milk balls.
His liver looks healthy.
That's a wad of Laffy Taffy.
Now, when Bart goes home, he's gonna have to follow a program of strict diet and exercise.
Damn it, I will not bury another patient! Doctor, you're a pediatrician! Yeah, but my head's been somewhere else this year.
The Itchy & Scratchy Show.
Okay.
We'll start with a routine stress test.
Bart, how can you laugh at that? You just had a heart attack! Yeah, but what does not kill me makes me stronger.
Wow, that was a lot of words.
I need some energy.
Hey, hey, kids! Heart disease can strike anyone, including heavy-drinking, chain-smoking clowns.
That's why I had the doctor install a zipper! The zipper's stuck! I should've gone with the button-fly.
I talked to Dr.
Hibbert today.
He gave me a list of heart-smart foods.
Ko-ta-hay cheese? Cottage cheese! From the looks of it, this cheese has already been eaten.
Oh, honey, please take this seriously.
When people used to ask me how you were doing, I said, "At least he's got his health.
" Now you've got nothing! Okay, Mom, for you, I'll try.
Qkay, now we know you're allergic to cauliflower.
But I made a special platter of vegetables that are good for you.
It's graffiti you can eatie! You get better, son.
Meanwhile, the rest of us will be going to the "library.
" Where are you really going? Milkshake Festival.
Look, you can see the booths from your window.
Today only, free milkshakes for ten-year-old boys! Drink your own weight in milkshakes and win a milkshake! I'd better tell Dad.
Lisa, take a picture of me with all the milkshakes.
All right, everybody, get in there.
Okay, we all in? Hurry they're melting.
Maybe Mom's the way to go.
Intervention!!! What the family?! Son, we're here to help with your Which addict-a-diddily-diction are we going after here? Overeating.
And if there's time, we'll get to my drinking.
But there won't be time.
I'm telling you, Bart, one vice leads to another.
And then you wind up like me: so jaded, the only thing that gets you off is free-basing ground-up moon rocks.
All this does is get me to normal.
Thank you, Krusty.
Once again you've delivered an important message wrapped in entertainment.
And I'm so touched that all of you would take the time to eat my shorts, lame-o's! Help! Kidnappers! They're not kidnappers! They're professionally trained child-snatchers, who are taking you to a maximum-security fat camp.
I'm not fat! Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson, I'm facility director Tab Spangler, United States Marine Corps, retired-- but not tired! Guess how old I am.
Come on, take a guess.
I hate when they're over.
Even on the nose hurts.
He's just the kind of weirdo Bart needs.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson, your boy is going to need one thing: tough luck.
Don't you mean "tough love?" Tough love? Of course, this has never made sense.
The sign shop guy lied.
Stanley! You didn't question the word "luck?"! Now look what we got! Thanks for the correction; that's part of the honesty.
Son, I just want to leave you with a piece of advice-- become emotionally dead.
Leave your body.
Make lots of friends.
Wake up, fatties.
Stop dreaming about butter.
Dream calories are real calories.
All right, here's how this exercise works-- you tow me around the track.
As we gather speed, I whip you gently, you state your name and tell me how you got so heavy.
Kent Brockman.
Channel Six News.
I gorge on kettle corn during the sports and weather.
We know.
Your side-fat's starting to spill over to channel five and seven.
I hope you're getting three paychecks.
Bart Simpson.
I'm just big-boned.
No such thing.
Growth spurt? Doesn't exist.
This can't be legal.
It's legal enough.
Jiminy Kimmel! Look how much they're charging for Bart's treatment.
That freeloading fatso! Marge, could you cut back on your makeup budget? I already use crayons for lipstick and fireplace soot for eyeliner.
So that's where my soot went.
This fat camp can save Bart's life, we have to find a way to pay for it.
Homer, maybe you could ask Mr.
Burns for a raise.
Even better, I'll ask him for my job back.
I know how we can raise money.
Youth?! I hate them.
Secondly How much is costed for stay night of one? How much is got, Wolfgang Schmuck? Let's see here.
I can offer you $50 a week.
Fifty dollars?! What about all the water you guys will waste with your bathing and showering and washing your clothes? Yeah, we don't is not a problem.
All right, try this.
As you scoop your ice cream into the trash, tell it you hate it.
Talk to it.
You think I look like what?! What's the vanilla saying? No, I'm not that old! Come on, talk.
Let's hear ya.
Here's the scoop: your Haagen days are over.
I'm baskin' in your pain as I'm robbin' you of life.
Bart! Son, I'm gonna tell you a story about a young man who came here and failed.
Well, that is the story.
I shouldn't call a sentence a story.
Anyway, it's you.
Look, I'm really, really sorry.
Now let me get that ice cream off your shoe.
Young man, there's something I have to show you.
In one hour.
We have to drive there.
No talking on the way.
It'll hurt the drama.
Can I just? Drama.
German backpackers?! You see, son, every family has to make extra income when they send a child like you to a place like mine.
You're lucky this is just a youth hostel.
We had one family who had to take in dry cleaning.
The chemicals killed their dog.
Well, that's what they told us in the lawsuit.
I don't see a dog living past 14 anyway, do you? They can't see or hear us, right? We're not the Ghost of Christmas Past, Bart.
They can see us.
If I were invisible, you think I'd waste my time with this belt-shirt combination? Excuse me, we're looking for Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson.
I'm sorry to say, this is their son.
So he's the strudel-sucking globbenheimer who has bankrupted them with his expensive treatments.
Strudel-sucking globbenheimer.
You need to think about that.
That's what the human race thinks of you.
Problem number 35 with America: no universal healthcare.
Number 36: no metric system.
What is this, the time of Charlemagne? Answer me.
Answer me now.
Oh, my God.
Come on, let's look for your dad.
Then if we have some time, maybe we'll look for mine.
Guten abend, my brave, Bavarian overlords.
The best wurst in town.
Here's your tip, Baldylocks.
If you want it, dance and sing.
Neunundneunzig luftballons Auf ihrem weg zum horizont Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem all Darum schickte ein general Das is good.
More, more! They want a second verse.
I hope he knows it.
Ne fliegerstaffel hinterher Alarm zu geben, wenn's sie war Dabei war'n da am horizont Nur neunundneunzig luftballons.
This is all my fault.
I'll never eat junk food again.
I swear.
Good for you.
That's what I want to hear.
It's time to take action.
I'll meet you later, son.
I'm gonna get the car washed and try to meet somebody.
Dude, you've changed.
Yo, I'm gonna cap a pop in your ass.
I'm ending your vending, Dog.
Bart, what are you doing here? I've learned my lesson.
Mr.
Spangler showed me the true cost of my junk food addiction.
But you're still fat.
Not for long.
I'm saying good-bye to Scammer & Z-Dog.
I've learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you.
Did you hear that Foxy, the Fox Network fox? When I raged against the machine, money poured out.
Oh, boy! Marge, I know this is ill-gotten, but can we use it to? To give these Germans das boot? Jawohl.
Please to have new face cloth.
Schnell.
Time to take out the Euro-trash.
Oh, no, who will put up with our nonsense now? To Disneyland.
Where we will heap the scorn on Goofy.
Now, everything's perfect again.
Excuse me, I think I left my belt here.
No, you didn't.
Don't tell me "I didn't.
" That's my lucky belt.
Long story.
Good one.
Folks, you have three weeks left on a non-refundable weight-loss treatment.
So if anybody else in the family wants to use it, use it now.
But who else needs to lose weight? Maggie? Grampa? My seldom-seen half-brother Herb? Why is everyone looking at me? I am not too fat.
I'm alive, aren't I? Mr.
Simpson, you're suffering from P.
S.
I.
Poor Self Esteem.
It's not "I.
" Every sign is wrong! Oh, that's terrible.
We got a long drive ahead.
You want to pull off at a motel? We'll split a room.
Where will I sleep? We can worry about that when we're standing naked before the bed.
My goodness, no wonder you eat.
What are you eating now? Cheeseburger.
You're a catastrophe.
Let me have half of it.
I don't want to.
I just want the cheese, I don't want the meat.
I do want the meat.
Here's a corner.
Let me just bite it.
Don't rip it.
Let me have the whole thing.
You'll get some later.
You're a selfish jerk! I've smelled it.
It has to be eaten.
But it's my burger.
I'm driving.
I'll kill us.
Fine.
I'd rather die.