American Dad s16e22 Episode Script

1 Well, folks, it's almost Halloween, a holiday so beloved in Langley that we celebrate for a whole week.
Happy Halloween week, Memphis! And a boo to you too, Greg.
Memphis, what are you being for Halloween this year? I'm going to be a big, scary spider.
Are you serious? You know that's what I was gonna be.
Oh, no.
I forgot.
In other news, an investigation into the Octadual Formaldehyde plant is underway due to a major leak that is tainting our drinking water.
Wait, wa was that funny? So far, several people have been hospitalized, and, get this, may have to miss Halloween.
Hey, Greg, you can be the spider.
Don't.
A town hall will be held by the CEO this week to address the issue.
Octadual is encouraging all members of the community to attend, but would prefer those who aren't that mad.
We are going to that town hall! The two things I love most in this world are in danger.
Steve and Hayley.
Water and Halloween.
Steve and Hayley? Please.
Steve can't even bother to show up to watch the news with his family.
He's working on his science club presentation for the big Halloween pep rally at Pearl Bailey.
Hayley, I am so tired of you knowing where your brother is.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Did you use acetone on these? They're covered in water spots.
Acetone dissolves my skin.
Everything dissolves your skin, Billy.
Where's Snot? He's late to science club again.
Snot hates science.
The only thing he likes about science club is Bartleby.
Snot loves science club.
It's the only time we get to spend together since our class schedules changed.
Bartleby's just a fun perk.
Bartleby! I missed you, buddy! I made you a little hat.
It says "Bar.
" It was supposed to say "Bartleby," but I ran out of room because you have such a cute wittle bitty turtle head.
By the way, happy Halloween week.
And a boo to you, too.
May your eyes of newt see into hell.
You're late! Sorry.
- I'm here now, though, and - What's this? A brochure for croquet club? Are you joining croquet club? They meet at the same time as us.
Okay, truth time.
I don't like science.
What?! You mean to tell me you only like science club for Bartleby? Where is he? Oh, dang! He's dancing between the raindrops! There's not a car alive that could hit Bartleby! Bartleby, no! Oh, my God! This is terrible! Poor Bartleby.
Steve, I'm sorry, but I think this is a sign I need to leave science club.
What? No, you can't.
- Yoooouuu - Is that Principal Lewis? - ooooo - What's he saying? oou! You gotta burn that broken turtle! I've planned everything perfectly for the Halloween pep rally, and the last thing I need is a big ol' turtle ghost haunting us.
You can use the school incinerator in the basement.
Is that kid smoking by the bicycle stands? He told me he was out of cigarettes.
Yoooooou Touch the red flower.
I can't believe I've lost Bartleby and Snot in one day.
You haven't lost Snot.
He's your best friend.
For now.
Friendships need nourishment and quality time.
Without science club, we'll drift apart.
Want me to cheer you up? The only thing you could do to cheer me up is bring Bartleby back to life.
Oh, that's easy.
My dad does that all the time with his reanimator.
He keeps it locked up, but I know where the schematics are.
Do you think we could build it in time for the pep rally? Does this answer your question? Did you just learn that face or something? Yeah.
Okay, here's how it's gonna go down.
I run up and grab the plans while you distract my dad.
I don't want to go in there.
Dr.
Kalgary freaks me out.
I thought I heard the chirps of little children out here.
Happy Halloween week, Steven.
May may the ghosts nip your toes, sir.
I just need to run upstairs and grab some notes.
Go ahead, my little synthetic angel.
Steven, why don't you come in? Have a seat on our sectional sofa.
It's new from Restoration Hardware! Are you stealing my soul? Okay, got the notes.
Let's go.
Another boy convinced I own mid-tier furniture! And now, as is Halloween pep rally tradition, we shall see presentations from the clubs.
- We're skeletons! - Ooh! Croquet club has pleased me.
Science club, you're next.
Science club has built a machine that defies the laws of science! I told you to burn that! What once was dead and gone may finally live again! Billy! Pull the lever! Behold the feats of science club! Especially you, Snot.
Bartleby's back! And so is my interest in science.
This is an abomination! I'll burn that monster myself! No! Don't! I-I need him, or Snot won't come back to science club! I'm canceling science club! Forever! - I won't let you! - Aah! Aah! I'm bouncin' down the stairs! Oof! I'm losing consciousness.
Maybe to die.
Smith, Billy, if you're going to kill me, Bury me in the Lewis family plot off route six.
We're not gonna kill you.
I just have to leave you down here for now.
Unless you promise not to cancel science club? Not a chance.
Don't you think the school will ask questions if I suddenly disappear? - I'm the principal.
- He's right.
We need everyone to think Lewis is still around.
Let's get a fat suit.
I'll be the left side and you can be the right.
I have a better idea.
Better than the fat suit? I think we're in the right place.
Aah! It's a Lewis! Billy, stop being a perfectionist.
His genitals just aren't gonna stay on.
So get him dressed and ready for the school to see him.
Steve, there you are.
What you did with Bartleby was amazing.
If you liked Bartleby coming back to life, how would you feel about bringing humans back to life? Oh, I would find that foul.
Whoever's capable of doing something like that is disgusting.
Shameless.
Sacrilegious.
Vile.
Just loathsome.
- And an all around bad person who deserves to rot.
- Awful.
Repugnant.
I mean, like, person is terrible.
To rot, yeah.
Totally.
Totally.
Okay, cool.
Glad we agree.
Welp, you gotta go.
Oh.
Everything's riding on this walk.
Hey, Principal Lewis.
They're buying it.
It worked, but how do we calm him down? Aah! on the road feelin' lonely and so cold "Gilmore Girls"? And it's the whole series.
Hmm.
That'll keep him occupied.
I only watch shows that begin with "G.
" Maybe after I finish "Gunsmoke," I'll check this out.
This or "Golumbo.
" Oh, Billy, Billy.
I have to spell you some terrible news.
Yay! Clam chowder day! Mm.
Ow! Too hot! You didn't blow on it first, you monsters?! Speaking of monsters, we created a Frankenstein version of you, and everybody bought it.
He can only grunt and smash things, so people thought it was you.
Hmm.
You've got it all figured out, don't you? Except for one little problem.
Tomorrow is my Halloween boo brunch with the superintendent.
It's all easy, breezy chit-chat.
No way your grunting imitation Lewis can pass that test.
No more "Gilmore Girls.
" We gotta teach you English overnight.
Me want coffee.
Can have coffee with my coffee? He's learning English from "Gilmore Girls"! Great! "Gilmore Girls" is notorious for being an easy, breezy chatty show.
It's perfect for the boo brunch! Say something effortlessly charming.
Kill! Hmm, not black tie ready.
We'll keep him here watching "Gilmore Girls" overnight.
I'll go get us some food.
I've got an in with one of the lunch ladies.
She says she likes how much mashed potatoes I can eat.
Steve, I've been waiting in the lab.
Are you blowing me off to hang out with the Principal? Of course not.
The door's just closing.
Happy Halloween week, everyone.
May your demon chains rattle you to the core.
The CEO of Octadual Formaldehyde is here to answer questions about the alleged leak Mrs.
Harriet Bustax.
Well, what a surprise.
It's Roger.
Thank you for allowing me to speak.
- Boo! - Criminal! - Liar! - Ya suck! Let's give her a chance to explain.
She bribed me with a huge bribe.
What's happening is we're deliberately pouring formaldehyde into the ground because disposing of it properly is a whole to-do.
The people of Langley Falls will not stand for this! Can I just say one thing? What if formaldehyde were good for you? I'll admit that is convincing.
But how do we know you aren't lying? If I were lying, would I drink the tap water myself? She likes it so much she pissed herself! That's what I do when I like something.
Me, too.
Wanna get out of here and go to The Sbarro in the food court? Who wants formaldehyde swag? Someone inject this into my veins.
Is that show just about coffee? The superintendent is here! Okay, Frankenlewis, remember, you need to talk about things that aren't just coffee related.
Okay.
What is family? I think he's struggling to understand some of the more complex theme of "Gilmore Girls.
" I Rory and you Lorelai.
We go to Luke's diner, you teach me about love and private school.
Yeah, that's not gonna be possible.
Luke's diner or no boo brunch! Brian, are you ready for me? Okay.
Do this for us and we'll take you to Luke's diner.
I promise.
Enter, soup-tendent! Brian, you look terrible, practically dead.
I love that you're always on theme.
You want coffee? - And keep it coming.
- Yes! So, what's up? Well, I'm a monster.
We're screwed.
You think you're a monster? You should see how impatient I am with my mother on the phone.
Also, I'm always adopting dogs and putting them right back on the street.
Speaking of dogs, I saw Snoop Dogg at the grocery store maybe.
And that was my first slice of bread.
Three hours later, we were making love in a motel room.
A mouthwatering tryst, my friend.
- Time to go! - Well, feels like it's time to go.
Wait, I just realized I haven't asked anything about you, Brian.
Oh, no.
Ah, well.
Next year.
Bye, bitch.
Ha-ha.
That trick was a treat.
We did it! We got through the boo brunch, and now I can have science club with Snot! You promise Luke's diner.
No time, Franky baby.
- Maybe later.
- You break promise.
You be sorry! Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Use your superhuman brute strength to kidnap my best friend Snot who is playing unsupervised on the front lawn right now? Well, if that's what you're thinking, you can forget about it.
Aah! Toshi, w-w-what happened? Principal Lewis went mad! He ran over here, knocked all of us down, threw Snot over his shoulders, and ran off.
I think I asked Toshi, but I don't have time to scold you on manners.
And now I don't even have time to listen to Toshi.
I'm coming, Snot! Billy! Frankenlewis took Snot! We have to find him! He he could be anywhere! I'm with you 'til the end, Steve.
Billy! In the car! I know you stole those schematics! I'm out, Steve.
That's right! You better run! Oh, Smith.
Has everything fallen to pieces and now you need me? - Yes.
- It has? I was just guessing! Frankenlewis stole Snot a-and ran off, and I don't know where he went.
If anyone knows how to track a bunch of dead Lewises, it's an alive Lewis.
- Let me out of here.
- But you're gonna punish me.
Y-You could even have me arrested for what I did.
Arrested? The only thing you've done wrong is prevent me from feeding the man I have locked in my basement.
You said he wanted to meet you at Luke's diner? He's going to Stars Hollow.
The town from the show? That's not a real place.
No, it's not a real town.
But I know where it would be if it did exist.
In the pilot, Rory starts a new school in Hartford, which Lorelai claims is a half-hour bus ride from Stars Hollow.
- Now, that could be - Look, I'm not gonna find this explanation as impressive as you think I am.
Whoa.
Are you guys drinking that formaldehyde? It's bad for you.
Trick or treat! This is a disaster! I've got to save Halloween! And the first step is the ultimate costume! I'm gonna try some things on.
You guys sit tight.
I'll be back in 40.
Someone get the [BLEEP.]
door! Jesus! This is it.
The location of Stars Hollow if it were a real place and not just a song in our hearts.
What is this? He's building a real Stars Hollow.
This is Luke's diner, and over there's the gazebo in the middle of town.
And here's the barn Miss Patty teaches dance in! And there's Frankenlewis! Frankenlewis, p-p-please calm down! Di did you hurt Snot? I'm up here, Steve! You promise Frankenlewis coffee at Luke's.
You break promise for that boy.
He is your Rory.
But I should be Rory.
You have coffee with me now.
Ask how school was today.
H-H-How was school today? I don't know what school is! Why did you create me only to suffer?! I didn't mean for you to suffer! I was just trying to save my friendship with Snot! Save our friendship? Steve, honey, our friendship's not in danger.
Then why did you join croquet club? It's a fun game.
Maybe you should join, too.
'Cause looking around, I don't think science is the best thing for you.
I guess I did overreact a little bit.
It's just you are the most important No! Don't have gilmo moment with Snot! Have gilmo moment with Frankenlewis! Aah! You be my Lorelai or die! I can't! I've never seen the show! Then you die! Stop! I'll be your Lorelai.
You? Why? You're a bunch of my dead relatives dug up and sewn together.
That basically makes you my daughter.
Mm.
Gilmo momo.
Frankenlewis, I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings as you slowly began to develop them.
Thank you.
That mean world to Frankenlewis.
There's still a couple hours left in Halloween.
Who wants to ride around in my monster truck and scare sweet children? Yeah! Bye! Have a great time!