American Dad s17e02 Episode Script

1 Anyone wanna see if I can swallow this hard-boiled egg without chewing? - Oh, all right.
- Yeah, sure.
Why not? Wait, Jeff! Don't eat that egg! [GULPS, CHOKING.]
I just read a shocking expose in the Langley Alt Weekly about Gentle Goodness Valley, our brand of supposedly "cruelty-free" eggs.
Apparently they're not all they're cracked up to be.
[LAUGHING.]
Turns out they've been punching the chickens left and right, just like at the big corporate farms.
Well, who's so high and mighty now? Ready to switch to my brand? Never! Hey, some people keep chickens in their backyard and get their eggs that way.
- Jeff and I could do that.
- Ha! You bozos? [CRUNCHING.]
That'll be the day.
Yes, mom, that "ull" be the day.
This time next week, we'll be eating an omelette made of our very own homegrown eggs, bet on it.
Silence! The time draws near for the - Mail! - Check out whatchya got now Getchya postcards, birthday cards - eBay-ordered slot cars - Mail! A-get it while it's hot now If a letter makes ya wetter than a better Eddie Vedder It's ma-a-a-a-il! Yes, the mail.
With each letter, the promise of a thrilling new adventure.
Let's see.
Inherited a haunted amusement park, S.
O.
S.
from mind quad.
Yeah, these are all big-time duds.
Maybe I'll check my e-mail.
Party time! Excellent! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Everybody, quick! Shut up! I've been invited to a party at Bullock's house.
Jim J.
Bullock? Holy moly! - No.
Avery Bullock, my boss.
- Still very cool.
A chance to impress Bullock in a non-work setting could be huge for me at my non-non-work setting work.
Want me to come along and be your wingman? Help you really wow him? A kind offer, Roger, but my answer is a harsh and emphatic "no".
I have every confidence I'll knock his socks off all on my own at this b-b-b-b-b-barbecue? Summer casual? Mornin', Smiths! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shinin' a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say - Good - Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Aah! Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Well, what do you think? - Looks great.
- Looks awesome.
Perfect BBQ outfit! - It's horrible! - It's shit! Next! - It's nice.
- It slaps! - It sucks! - It blows! - I look like an idiot! - A fool! It's terrible! Hated it! - Stupid! - Get it outta here, Francine! [BELCHES.]
Yes.
Baller as hell.
Done.
[CRIES.]
It makes my shoulders look weird! Like a monster's shoulders! For the love of God, how the hell am I ever supposed to do any work in this house?! Ugh! Stan, I'm confused.
You've worn casual clothes before.
But I've never felt comfortable in them.
I get so self-conscious about my pointy ankles, - gentleman's fupa, and big weird - Chin.
knees that wrinkle up and look like the grumpy old men when I stand.
My body was built for suits.
It's the only thing I feel confident in.
Screw it, I'm gonna wear a suit to the barbecue.
Better to be overdressed than underdressed, right? Hundred percent.
But I don't know Summer, summer, summerti-i-me! [PANTING.]
Duper, Hooper What's shakin' My babies? Geez, Stan.
Isn't it a little hot for Is this corduroy? Smith, glad you're here, because I've got your most important mission ever Manning the grill! [SIZZLING.]
Raw meat So cold - Feels good - BULLOCK: Smith? [DISTORTED.]
Are you all right? 'Eyyyyyy.
[LAUGHTER.]
DUPER: Oh, my God, look at his fupa! [CRYING.]
And then Duper said: "Oh, my God.
Look at his fupa!" I made a fool of myself! And the worst part is Gooper's having another barbecue this Saturday.
You work with a Gooper? Yeah, he sits over by the printer, with Hooper, Booper and Ozymandias.
Stan, I'm about to lay some hard, earth-shattering truth on you.
You should probably lie down.
Things are about to get crazy real for you.
I'll light some candles and put on some Enya.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Your suit is like armor for you, Stan.
It gives you confidence, but it's a false confidence that makes you uptight and overbearing.
You need to find true, easy confidence, - but the suit won't let you.
- Whoa.
This isn't really Enya, by the way.
- It's just Enya-like.
- Whoa.
What you need is a line of custom casual-wear that you'll finally feel truly comfortable in, tailored specifically to the contours of your strange and challenging body.
- And you'd do that for me? - Absolutely! It'd actually be a nice chance for us to do a little bonding.
Crafting bespoke clothing - is a deeply intimate process.
- I don't know.
Sometimes when we do things like this - you can get a bit - Selfless? Guilty as charged.
I ask absolutely nothing in return.
I'll just have to dust off my old-fashion designer persona [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Huh.
No dust.
Hold on a sec.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Sir Jennings Cockburn, fashion titan of post-war London! [COUGHING.]
Don't breathe that in, Stan.
It's asbestos.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Good morning, my seamstresses.
Imelda, Agnes, Vera, Gooper.
I have a Gooper, too.
Martha.
Martha's the one I'm sleeping with.
I always put secret, deeply meaningful little messages in the lining of all my garments.
When you picture yourself free of that suit, what do you see? Mm.
I'm playful.
- A goof.
- A goose.
A silly goose? Yes, but also unbound by rules and conventions.
Rebellious.
A bad boy.
But still light.
Still playful.
A bad goose.
And now, the moment of truth.
And how do you feel? Lighter than air! Roger, how can I ever thank you? I told you, I ask for nothing in return.
Now go, you're late for your next barbecue as it is! - But there must be something - Tell you what.
If you have a good time today, maybe swing by for a celebratory sherry, how about that? Now run along, my goose! [LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
- [CHICKEN CLUCKS.]
- Aah! My watermelon! - Surprised? - Aah! Looks like us "bozos" might see this thing through after all.
So where'd you bozos get all these chickens anyway? Dicks with Chicks, the local chicken hatchery owned by brothers Larry and Randall Dick.
And how many eggs have you gotten? None yet.
The chickens turned out to be a bit more aggressive than expected.
But we're making great progress with the little ladies.
The trick is to never show them any fear.
Aah! Devil bird! [SCREAMING, CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
Well, they're crapping all over the place, so you can't keep them in the yard.
Ready to give up yet? - JEFF: [WHIMPERING.]
Yes! - Not a chance.
I think we can make this work.
[CHICKENS CLUCKING, JEFF SCREAMING.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
Yeah, I'm just kinda doing the couch potato thing tonight, watching "Hostel 2" with Martha.
- Mm! - Dad? How was the barbecue? It was absolutely divine! Oh, Steve, you should've seen me.
I was so easy and fun and free! Yo, Stan, where ya want this puppy? Me and the guys had such a good time we decided to keep it going with a little after-barbecue.
To the back yard, boys! TOGETHER: [CHANTING.]
Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan! Well, Roger will be pleased.
- [LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CONVERSATION IN DISTANCE.]
- STAN: Wait! There was something special I was gonna do if I had a good time today.
A celebratory cannonball! [SPLASH.]
[CHEERING.]
Aah! Rogu, I'm the only thing not burning.
Smith, what's the meaning of this? This is a non-non-work setting! Shall we brush up on the agency dress code? How 'bout we don't and say we did? What a cool thing to say! But what if it came from the twisted mind of - the tickle monster! - [LAUGHS.]
Smith, I'm loving the new you.
Truly, amber is the color of your energy.
Boop! [GIGGLES.]
[BELL DINGING.]
Instant promotion! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Uh, what's this now? "E equals mc squared and Gettysburg Address in 1776.
" Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me.
Da-aaaad! Wouldn't you rather be playing this PlayStation 5?! Hot piggly hog! Boop! [GIGGLES.]
Where's my boop? Oh, you'll get your boop, m'lady.
[ROGER GROANING.]
- Roger? - Is that you, my goose? What's wrong? I'm in the doldrums, Stan.
Deep doldrums.
The double-d's.
Every time I achieve a great creative peak, it's followed by a depressive rut.
And you, in my time of greatest emotional need, abandon me to run off with your new friends, - Jackson, and Duper, and Francine.
- [SIGHS.]
This is why I knew I shouldn't have done this.
You always get so possessive and clingy.
- I'll cling to you for that remark! - [GRUNTS.]
I do you an unsolicited favor, asking for nothing in return, and this is how you return the favor? You are a bad friend.
If it helps, it's your clothes that have given me this new lease on life! My relationships have improved, I'm boopin' people like crazy, and my knees have never looked better! Well, I don't know if I can keep making them for you, being treated like this.
And you're notoriously hard on your clothes, Stan.
Look, they're already starting to fray.
But I guess you can always just go back to your suit.
No, I'm happy now.
I can't go back to the old me! Okay, listen, anytime you need me, just call, and I'll be there.
I promise.
[LAUGHS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[ROGER GROANING.]
I'll never let you go I'll never let you go - [CELLPHONE VIBRATING.]
- - I'll never let you go - [ROGER GROANING.]
ROGER: I had an intercom system installed so you could hear me moan more easily.
- [ROGER GROANING.]
- I'll never let you go [CELLPHONE CHIMES, VIBRATES.]
- I'll never let you go - [GROANING.]
I can't keep living like this.
Listen, Roger, instead of constantly moping in your attic, why don't you come out with me and my friends sometime? I'll have to think about it.
Okay.
Words with friends [GRUNTS.]
is really gonna sing on this baby.
Aah! Dammit! Why the hell are you lying in the hallway?! Shhhh! [WHISPERING.]
The chickens took over our room.
- [CHICKEN CLUCKS.]
- Aah! Hayley, why don't you just give up and admit you couldn't pull it off? The only thing I'm admitting is an omelette, into my mouth and stomach, this time next Tuesday.
Fine, but why don't you go sleep in Jeff's van till then? Chickens got the van.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING, CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
Should we pull 'em over? What is it with you and chickens? Chicken killed my parents.
Me too.
But I don't let it rule my life, man.
So, sir Jennings, Stan tells us you design clothes.
That's awesome.
What's that like? Uh, I don't know man.
It's fine.
So, h-how do you come up with the designs? [SIGHS.]
Let's see, I think of the idea for the clothes, then I make the clothes, and then the clothes are done.
Do we have a waitress, or? What is your problem? These guys all suck, Stan.
Let's get outta here, get back to just you and me.
No! Dammit, it's like the only way you're happy is if you've got me all to yourself.
If you're not having a good time, you're welcome to leave.
Fine.
I'll just be taking my clothes that you're wearing and be on my way then.
See ya later, guys.
I had I'd say about seven tecates, so here's four dollars.
Okay, here's what you do.
Steal Roger's Bad Goose designs, get to my boy Gooper at Foot Locker.
Then he can make your clothes for you.
Hmmm [ROGER SNORING.]
Roger, I owe you an apology.
You've done so much for me and received nothing from me in return.
Well, I want to fix that right now.
Whatever you think is fair.
Any number, just say it and it's yours.
You would make this all about money?! How dare you?! You don't deserve my clothes! [GRUNTING.]
- Roger, no! - Sorry, Stan, but your bad goose is cooked! Hey, Martha, did ya hear that? Martha? Stan, have you seen Martha move at all since you got here? Okay.
Okay.
Okay, I'm like She was definitely alive last night when we started having sex because I remember I farted and she laughed.
That's the kind of relationship we [INHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh, thank God.
STAN: Who needs Roger and his stupid clothes anyway, right? Not you, that's for sure.
I mean, it's not like his clothes were magic or anything.
Probably not One of these store-bought brands - is bound to work just as well for me.
- No doubt.
- Okay, I think this could work.
- Totally.
- For a swamp monster! - From planet ugly! It's a disaster! Okay.
Fake it 'til ya make it.
You got this.
Smith, are you okay? I'm sure as [BLEEP.]
doing better than you, you ugly old piece of shit.
[LAUGHS.]
[GASPS.]
That ribbing wasn't good-natured! - Here comes the boop! - [GASPS.]
Stan, what's going on? Uh, easy breezy fun? Tickle time! Ow! Stan, stop.
Please.
You're [GROANS.]
hurting Whoa! - [THUD.]
Ow! - Smith! Take the rest of the week off and don't come back until you've gotten your act together.
[GROANING.]
It wasn't easy, but we finally managed to get some eggs outta them feathery little mother-cluckers.
Not this one, though.
I've been digging my finger all the way up its egg-hole all day.
- Bupkis.
- Jeff, that's a rooster.
Well, whatever her name is, now she won't leave me alone.
[ROOSTER COOS.]
[BOWL CLANGS.]
Ugh! Fetus.
Well, I guess that's gonna happen every once in a while.
- [BOWL CLANGS.]
- Fetus.
- [BOWL CLANGS.]
- Fetus.
- [BOWL CLANGING.]
- Fetus.
Two fetuses.
Fetus.
Snake.
Fetus.
- Uh-oh.
- It's omelette time.
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC.]
[SIZZLING.]
Mmm Now that's what I call [VOMITS.]
- [MUTANT CHICKEN SHRIEKS.]
- Aah! I don't even like eggs! [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
[SNORING.]
[CLAPS.]
You oughta be ashamed of yourself! I know.
But for what, exactly? Stan was happy.
And it was your clothes that made him that way.
But you just couldn't stand having to share him, so you crushed him.
You are a bad friend.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
He's right, Mr.
Cockburn.
You did your mate a bad turn.
Just look at the poor bloke.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[SOBBING SOFTLY.]
Oh, you're right, Klaus! It's all my fault.
But, Martha, this is really none of your business.
I've been so selfish! How can I make it right? I can't make any more bad goose clothes for him.
All my seamstresses have taken positions at big dog.
It wouldn't matter anyway.
Bullock reinstated the old dress code at the CIA.
Stan'll be trudging back to work first thing in the morning in that soul-crushing monkey suit.
Hmm, now, theoretically I could tailor Stan a custom suit so comfortable that it feels like Bad Goose Sportswear.
But I'd have to, what, do it all by myself? In one night? "Kimpossible!" But he's your friend So I have to try.
Martha, bring around the festiva.
We're going to the all-night Jo-Ann fabrics! [METAL GRINDING, CHICKENS CLUCKING.]
Well, Stan How does your new suit look? It's a clothes version of the holocaust.
You don't like it.
I can tell.
Okay, Stan, confession time.
I never knew how to make clothes.
Everything I gave you was Amazon basics.
And the Bad Goose designs? eBay-ordered iron-ons.
But do you realize what this means? You didn't get your easy confidence from my clothes.
It was inside you all along.
That's right, Stan.
This is a mother[BLEEP.]
dumbo-type deal.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, whatever Roger.
I'm late for work.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Sorry, here, one of your old suits.
So you never even knew how to make clothes Wrong, Klaus.
I lied to Stan.
I do know how to make clothes.
But I wanted him to feel easy and free in anything he wears.
So, who's the bad friend now? [SIGHS.]
I dunno.
You, probably? [SIGHS.]
See ya later, Roger.
I lied to Klaus, Martha.
As you well know, I do not know how to make clothes.
I lied to Martha, Steve, I actually do know how to make clothes.
Okay, do you or do you not know how to make clothes? I don't know Smith.
How do you feel? That depends Which part of me you thinking about feeling? [CHUCKLES.]
Amber alert! Energy color, that is.
What gives? I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling a bit more comfortable in my own skin.
Bye-bye! See you soon!