Live at The Apollo (2004) s17e02 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome your host for tonight,
Ed Gamble!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Yes, please!
Hello, The Apollo, how we doing?
CHEERING
Hello!
Real pleasure to be here.
You heard me walking on to that
heavy metal track there.
Some of you might not have seen me
do comedy before.
A little bit worried now, that
I'm one of those edgy comedians.
Nasty comedian, rude comedian,
come here to say offensive things,
ruin all your evenings. I'll let
you make your own minds up
whether I'm one of
those edgy comedians
when I tell you something
that happened to me recently -
would this happen to
an edgy comedian?
A few months ago, one of
my routines was retweeted
by the CBeebies Twitter account.
LAUGHTER
So that's who you're dealing with.
Not an edgy comedian,
but a children's comedian!
I'll be honest, I was a little bit
angry when that happened.
A little bit shocked.
Not really how I saw myself
as a comedian.
Not really why I got into the game.
You know, when I was a young lad
enjoying comedy on CD, I enjoyed
the comedy of people
like Bill Hicks, Lenny Bruce,
the real American outlaws
of political comedy.
And I thought, "Hey, Ed, maybe
one day you'll be a comedian.
"You can do something similar
for the British scene."
Well, it's 15 years later,
I've taken my eye off the ball,
and I'm Peppa Pig Live!
I was angry about it,
but then I relaxed.
I thought, "Hey, Ed, it's OK. This
is a new wing of your audience.
"You've broadened your audience,
the CBeebies audience.
"Go online, do some research
into your new audience."
And when I say I went online to do
some research into my new audience,
I mean, I went straight
to the CBeebies website.
Didn't just Google "kids".
Looks terrible on an internet
history, that sort of thing.
Not only do you look
like a paedophile,
you look like a completely
inept one.
Look like you've gone, "Oh, I know
the sort of thing I like,
"I just don't know
where to find it!"
Just Google "children" and
narrow it down from there.
"Feeling lucky?!"
Went straight to
the CBeebies website.
Very interested, of course,
in the age range of my new audience.
Who is this new audience?
They've retweeted my stuff to them.
How old are they?
They love my stuff, apparently.
That's when I got my
second shock of the day, Apollo.
Don't know if you know
this, but CBeebies is for
"naught to six-year-olds".
Naught!
That's something that
really got in my head.
That's who can enjoy my stuff,
apparently, someone of no years!
Naught! You can't get
younger than that.
They may as well have
put "womb plus"!
Someone can fully be on board
with my punch lines
and they are yet
to see an October.
"Who's your favourite comedian?"
"Ed Gamble."
"And how old are you?"
"None!"
"I am none years old, and that man
makes me laugh!"
"And would continue to make me laugh
until I am, ooh, seven.
"At which point, no,
I'll prefer something a little
"more highbrow when I'm seven,
"like a shiny red balloon
or a farting dog."
I hope I'm not a children's comedian
because, honestly, looking
around the room here tonight,
all of you are outside
of my age range.
Some of you, unfortunately, by quite
some considerable distance.
Trying to change my image. Don't
want to be a children's comedian.
Tried, I tried to get ripped.
Joined a new gym.
Moved areas of London.
Used to live in a posh area
of London.
Moved to PROPER LONDON
with a proper London gym -
a proper
AGGRESSIVE COCKNEY GIBBERISH
..gym!
That's what it's called.
It's a tricky Google.
The BIG BOIS go to my gym!
The big boi,
big boi, ow, oow, ooah!
Big boi
Woo! Fwoarrh, big, whoarrh!
Big b
But this bit goes on as long
as I like!
Tha Big Boi! Completely red
for no reason!
You know who I mean.
The phwoar, whoarrr!
That's what I call him when I go in.
I'm not popular in there.
"Hey there, big boiiiiis!"
"How's it going in here, big bois?!"
"Whoo! SO many big bois here today!"
Let's play Count The Big Boi!
Big boi, big boi,
big boi, big boi,
big boi, big boi.
"Woohoo, look at you!
"Biggest boi I ever did see!
Heh-heh-heh!
"Shoulders on your shoulders
on your shoulders!
"Save some shoulders
for the rest of us!
"Little boi wants some shoulders!"
Big boi, some of the professional
big bois,
body-builders!
It's a sport. Body-building.
They spend all day
in the gym getting big and tonk.
Then, on competition day,
they put on tiny little pants
and cover themselves
in so much fake tan,
it puts them on what I would
describe as racially rocky ground.
LAUGHTER
Then they walk out onto a stage
and they go,
"Hrrrrhhh!"
Putting all the science from
the middle of their body
right up to the front of their skin.
And a judge in the crowd goes,
"Ooh, I can see that man's pancreas.
Bravo! Ten out of ten!"
Absolutely disgusting!
These are the people I go
to the gym with.
They run the gym.
There's a big boi boss.
He's a bit quiet.
We had a little chat the other day.
I walked in there. He went,
"We're doing a competition today.
"You've got to squat
your own body weight.
"The more reps you do, the more
money you raise for Palestine."
And I said, "Good morning."
He said, "Yeah, good morning,
we're doing a competition today.
"You've got to squat
your own body weight.
"The more reps you do, the more
money you raise for Palestine."
I said, "Look, I should not
be squatting my own body weight
"because I am an unfortunate
combination of both heavy and weak."
He said, "The more reps you do,
"the more money
you raise for Palestine."
I said, "Fine, I'll give it a go."
Apollo, the amount of reps I managed
made me look pro-Israel.
LAUGHTER
He tried to motivate me, the guy.
I tried to do the reps.
Got proper in my face, but he was
using the wrong sort of motivation.
He was using big boi motivation -
"Right, you can do it.
You can do one more rep!"
It's too aggressive!
It's the sort of motivation
they use.
They've got all these slogans
painted up on the wall in UV paint.
It's like working out
in a Laser Quest. It's horrific.
Here's one of them. You tell me if
you think this is motivational.
"The pain"
That's how it starts.
How are we feeling so far?
Are we feeling motivated
or terrified?
"The pain you feel today
"..will be the pri-ide
that you feel tomorrow."
No!
Not in my experience
of going to the gym.
In my experience of going
to the gym, the pain that I feel
today will be the significantly
worse pain that I feel tomorrow
..and will be the exact pain
that prevents me from going back
to that gym for the next six months.
It's all so aggressive!
"If there's no red in your stool,
you're not working hard enough."
I need little boi motivation!
I need one slogan above the door
of the gym saying,
"If you walked here, that's probably
enough for today."
That's what I like -
a little stroll.
Swift jog now and again.
I'm a cardio boi.
The big bois know it's all
about the free weights.
There's one running machine
in my gym.
First time I went in there, someone
was lifting it up like a big weight.
So, I've moved house recently
and now I have a wife
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
Thank you!
"I have a wife now."
I love saying that.
"I love my wife." I like that.
Didn't used to like that.
Whenever I'd meet a married couple,
especially if there was a man
in the situation,
didn't like it when he said,
"My wife."
Always sounded so aggressive,
so territorial. Ownership.
"This is MY wife.
"She is my property.
I own this woman!"
Huh?! I'm thinking, "Ew, I'm
not going to like saying that."
But now, I own a woman!
And I love to show off my property!
I'm proud of my wife!
She's one of my favourite things,
apart from my outdoor pizza oven!
No, I do. I do like to say
"My wife."
I should clarify this, but not for
that reason.
I like to say it because
it took us so long to get married.
Our original wedding date
was on April 25th, 2020.
Yes, uh, and then somebody
fucked a bat!
She caught me doing that
and cancelled the wedding.
LAUGHTER
It's a proper joke!
Three weddings cancelled.
Three weddings cancelled!
Awful. Very stressful.
The first one, the worst,
obviously, by far the worst.
We got a call from our venue
about two weeks before the wedding
was supposed to happen and they said
"It's just not going to happen,
"we're cancelling all of our events.
We're so sorry."
It was about two weeks before
the first national lockdown,
they called us and said that.
And that is devastating, to be told
that you are not allowed to marry
the person that you love most
in the world, that you want to spend
every single minute of every
single day with.
And then two weeks later,
the Government told us
we had to spend every single
minute
..of every single day together!
And as we all found out, that is
too long to spend with anyone!
No matter how much you love them,
you need a minute off now and again.
It's done mad things
to our relationship.
We're basically the same person now.
We share everything,
especially since we've got married.
Don't know if you know this -
if you're about to get married, I'm
going to let you in on something.
You have to share everything,
including - and I didn't know this
was one of the rules -
a Google calendar.
No-one told me.
I got a bit of a shock.
Two weeks after we got married,
I was in a meeting with people
at work that I didn't really
know that well - work people,
practical strangers.
At the end of the meeting, we had to
go round the table and read
out what we had coming up in the
week following so we could put
a new meeting in.
I announced to this room
full of practical strangers
that the following Wednesday
I had my smear test.
We're on a new level of intimacy
I did not know existed.
And I like it.
I like it.
But you do leave things
behind at the previous level
of intimacy, don't you?
You do leave some things behind.
Like, we know each other so well
now, we've lost that sort of
exciting, unknown, sparky,
sexy thing - that's dead.
I'll tell you the moment that went -
I know the split second.
It was lockdown one,
it was in our bathroom,
our bath's directly next to
our toilet.
I needed a piss
so I just went for a piss.
She turned around, looked me
directly in the stream and said,
"You need to drink more water."
Bye-bye, spark!
I panicked. I was genuinely
panicking about that.
I've gone, "God, do I need to
spice our relationship up?
"I don't know how to do that.
"I didn't know it would happen
this early. What do I do?"
I was having a pathetic male panic.
Here's an idea I genuinely had,
but luckily I managed to stop
before I acted on it.
Sat there panicking, I thought, ooh,
maybe you could send her a dick pic.
Maybe you could send her a dick pic.
We have been together for 11 years.
She has seen my dick.
A nice treat for her would be
if I sent her a picture
of someone else's penis.
Just Google image search
splendid willy.
Copy, paste, send.
"Goodnight, darling."
Enjoy that for 24 hours,
but it's nose to the grind
in the morning.
Dick pic? We live together!
You should never send a dick pic
to someone that you live with.
You should never take that, send it,
and hear it arrive in the next room.
Don't send a dick pic
if you can airdrop it.
Those are the rules.
Those are the rules.
Finally got told we could get
married a few months ago,
last September. I was so excited.
God.
That excitement rapidly turned
to fear because we thought, God,
what if one of us gets Covid and we
have to cancel another wedding?
That would be awful.
So what we did was we put ourselves
on our own mini lockdown a couple
of weeks before the wedding.
Batten down the hatches.
Covid's not getting in.
We are not leaving.
We are having this wedding.
It's a good idea, I thought.
But unfortunately we had to cancel
any stag or hen do plans we had.
Now, I wasn't upset about that.
All my friends are morons.
She was a little bit more upset
about the hen do situation.
I thought, well, this will not do.
This cannot be how we start
married life, with her upset.
We are having a lockdown, yes,
but surely I can do something.
That's when I had another idea from
the same brain that brought you,
"Maybe I could send her a dick pic?"
I thought, I will plan her
a surprise hen do
for just me and her
..in our house,
completely alone.
Now, I wish I'd come to the Apollo
to sort of double check
that with you first.
Because you rightly laughed
in my face, because you know
that that is a terrible idea.
Right, what you want from a hen do
is you want your friends
to be there and you want your future
spouse to fuck off for the evening.
She got neither of those things.
What she got was welcomed back
through the door after her last day
at work, before the mini lockdown,
told to close her eyes,
I quickly put on
Girls Just Want To Have Fun
by Cyndi Lauper.
She then opened her eyes for the
first thing that I'd bought from
Amazon for her hen do -
a big banner that said,
"Same penis forever."
Now I'm sure that banner is a lot
of fun when it's been bought
for you by a friend.
When it's been purchased by
owner of said penis,
it's really more of a threat.
And I did my research into hen dos.
A lot of penises show up
in those things.
Really tend to wiggle their way into
every corner of those events,
despite not normally
being physically invited.
Sometimes one will arrive
on a male stripper.
That's quite an old-school
thing to do for a hen do.
I thought, well, she deserves that.
But look, we can't have anyone
coming into the house.
We're on our own mini lockdown.
So there was only one guy
for the job.
And I was good.
I was very time efficient.
I combined it with getting
ready for bed.
The only stripper in the UK
to brush his teeth at the same time.
Stage name - Oral D.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's not the end of the penises.
Penis straws.
Penis stra-?
Straws in the shape of penises,
apparently very popular on a hen do.
Here's something I found out
very quickly about penis straws.
They don't sell them
in packs of two.
Or individually, obviously.
What sort of maniac is buying
one penis straw?
Just a crazy coke addict.
HE SNIFFS
Minimum amount of penis straws
that you can buy -
40!
I had to buy 40
rose-gold penis straws.
They didn't have to be rose-gold.
I'm a classy guy.
What can I say?
Terrible. Terrible for the
environment, by the way.
All made of plastic.
Awful for the environment.
One day a bird's going to choke
on one of those, and it's going
to look very rude.
It's going to be on a David
Attenborough documentary.
MELLIFLUOUS PRESENTER'S VOICE: And
as you can see, pollution has a
terrible effect on local wildlife.
HE MIMICS BIRD SQUAWKING
Oh, no, there's another straw.
HE MIMICS BIRD SQUAWKING
I'm not proud of myself.
Do you think I want to do that?
I came up with that and I thought,
you have to do that.
What, even on Live At The Apollo,
the UK's biggest television
stand-up showcase, you're going
to be pretending to be spit-roasted
as a seagull?
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah.
Apparently I am,
to an increasingly worried audience.
LAUGHTER
Still got all the straws.
Every single one of them.
Don't want to throw them out.
Terrible for the environment.
So now, no matter who you are
or what you're drinking, if you come
to my house, you're getting
a dick in your cup.
So I'd like to apologise
to my mother for her last mug of tea
and to my friend's seven-year-old
daughter for an orange juice
that she'll never forget.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen
of Live At The Apollo,
are you ready for your first
act of the evening?
CHEERING
Please welcome to the stage,
the brilliant Tom Davis.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
MUSIC: A Little Bit of Luck
by DJ Luck and MC Neat
Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao!
What are we saying, Apollo?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!
How are we doing, guys?
You good?
CHEERING
There's a young buck.
Young guy in the front here.
How old are you, G?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: 40.
40?
40 years old and my guy
is wearing a beige chino.
LAUGHTER
That's an extreme sport, my friend.
You've got no worries, no fear.
You're a lucky lady.
You don't worry about going
to the toilet?
You don't worry about mickey drips?
LAUGHTER
He don't care.
No cares given.
I'm terrible.
I couldn't do that, man.
I, literally,
I'll go in the bathroom,
I think I've shaken enough.
No shakes is enough.
I put myself back in my holster,
I look down and it looks like
I've eaten a kebab out of my lap.
LAUGHTER
I respect you, friend.
I respect you, friend.
It's a craziness.
Men's toilets are strange
places, right, G?
They're strange places, my friends.
I was in one the other day
and I was washing my hands
and a guy just went,
"Huh!
"Ho-ho, mate!
"Mate. Look at this geezer.
"They fooled you, bruv.
"They fooled you. They got you.
You were brainwashed, mate.
"You still washing your hands?"
I said, "Shut your mouth, fool!
"The reason I wash my hands,
my friend, is this.
"When I was a young boy, my mother,
Old Ma Davis,
"turned round to me,
and she said, 'Son,
"'you need to wash your hands
after you go for a piss.
"'Do you know what's going
to happen if you don't?'
"I said, 'No, Mama.'
"She said, 'You will turn
into a puddle of piss.'"
LAUGHTER
And anyone who's ever
been in a men's public toilet
..why would you argue that fact?
The floor, full of brothers
in a rush, who just didn't listen
to their mamas.
That's a hell of a way to go,
as well, isn't it?
How do you do that?
How do you do that, Apollo?
How do you go, "Oh, man, didn't you
used to have a son?"
LAUGHTER
"Yeah. Yeah, we did."
"It was South Mimms Services,
and he was in a rush.
"Er
"The funeral was tricky.
"500 people crammed
into a men's public toilets
"at some services."
Weird, man.
Have we got any Love Island fans in?
WHOOPING
Wow!
Shout out, the Love Island massive
in here tonight.
It breaks my heart, though,
because I used to be one of you.
Used to love me some Love Island.
Sat there, chatting to the wife -
who's going to get with who?
Who's going to crack on?
Who's going to go
to the salon with who?
And then, this year, I caught
a look at myself in my mind's eye.
And I thought, "You fat,
disgusting creep."
LAUGHTER
"What are you doing, boy?
"What are you do?"
There's no other way in life,
as a 43-year-old man,
that I could actually
even have these thoughts.
I can't go to a nightclub.
I can't go to a nightclub
as a 43-year-old man. Full stop.
That shit's disgusting.
But I can't go to a nightclub
with a pound bowl round going,
"Oi-oi. Oi, do you think
they're going to shag?"
LAUGHTER
There's young people in the room
who don't even know what shag means.
That's how old I am.
Walking round, going, "Look.
Do you think they're going to go?
"Do you think they're going
to go to the salon?
"Think they're going to shag?
Think they're going to do it?"
Walking up to people and going,
"Oi, excuse me.
"I know you're going
to get hold of him. Excuse me.
"But there's a fella over there I
think you'd be better suited with."
Young people with abs and fake boobs
and lip filler and shit.
You know what I think
Love Island should be?
I think it should be
I think it should represent
the fine British public.
Real people, yo!
It's reality TV after all.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I want to see a geezer turn up
with a Ralph Lauren polo,
with just enough gut
coming out of the bottom.
LAUGHTER
A couple of sprinkles of back hair
out the back collar.
Single mum rocks up
with her two kids.
LAUGHTER
"I couldn't get a baby-sitter,
not for two months.
"They'll be all right.
They'll just be on their devices."
Big sweet lad from up North,
sitting in the swimming pool,
in a T-shirt.
"Too hot, though, innit?
"It's too hot."
"Didn't know it would be this hot
when I got here.
"If I'm honest, too hot.
I'm not coming out of here."
Scared of everyone laughing
at his moobs.
I'm going to say this now,
Apollo,
we should sexualise moobs.
LAUGHTER
5% of men in the world have pecs.
I want to be able to walk in a bar,
with a shirt undone to there
..see a couple of people go, "Oi-oi,
have you seen the moobs on him?"
LAUGHTER
"No, no. Don't look now.
Don't look now.
"Have you seen the moobs on him?
Look at that."
Whoo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm a big TD.
I want to be bowling
down the street,
white van man,
"Oi-oi! Get your boobs out."
"Shut up.
"You shut up. Shut up.
"Oh, that annoys me.
"Oh, bastard."
LAUGHTER
Love when you get older
is different.
Love is different
when you get older.
There's a time
You know, it's about small moments.
I don't think Love Island will
be truly Love Island for me
until I watch it and I see
a woman waxing a man's back.
It's a true testament of love.
That's when I knew
I was in love with my wife.
The first moment I took off
my T-shirt in front of her,
and she smiled and looked at me,
and she said,
"We're going to have to do
something about that."
LAUGHTER
Try to make it sexy.
Try to make it a thing.
Put some rose petals down.
A couple of glasses
of Dom Perignon,
a little bit of Ed Sheeran
on the stereo.
Rug taken care of.
The worst bit of the whole thing.
I mean, and let me just say,
by the way,
back waxing, while it's a moment
of empathy and caring,
it's not very sexy.
There's a lot of shrieking
that goes on.
We ran out of wax
halfway through my back.
That was awful.
And also, you don't know
How many hairy-backed brothers
have we got in here?
Come on, guys, own this!
WHOOPING
The worry is, where do you stop?
Do you stop about here?
It's like you've got hair pants on
every time you bend forward.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Like a sexy surprise
when you're in a
I'm lucky, man. I love my wife.
I love my wife dearly.
I love her, man. She's the most
amazing person in my life.
I'm reminded that she is
significantly better than me,
each and every day, wherever I go.
For example, we went to
Pizza Express, just the other day.
We take a table for two,
as you would, as a couple.
We're sitting there,
the waiter comes over.
He says, "Oi-oi, is that your wife?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, mate, yeah.
That's her."
So, then, he went,
"You're punching, aren't you?"
"I will be in a minute, son."
LAUGHTER
"Now, get me some
fucking dough balls."
I, genuinely, as well,
with my wife, I've got to say,
I thought it was a wind-up
for the first three months
of our relationship.
We'd be out, and she'd be talking,
and I'd be looking at her going,
"Who's put you up to this?
"Who's behind this wind-up?
"Which of my mates has done this?"
I expected, on our wedding night,
for Ant and Dec to rock up
and just pop their heads out.
LAUGHTER
The craziness, man.
I've joined the gym with my wife.
Someone told us,
"Those who train together
stay together."
Something like that.
Joined the Dave.
David Lloyd, mate. Yeah, it ain't
just a gym - it's a lifestyle.
The lifestyle being that no-one
there uses any of the equipment.
A load of fat guys just sweating out
a Coke binge in a sauna.
LAUGHTER
Just craziness, man.
APPLAUSE
Got myself a PT.
One of those posh kids,
like an excitable Labrador.
"Hey! Oh, my God, we're going
to get you so in shape.
"Because, you know, right now, yeah?
"You're obese."
Yeah, yeah, I have mirrors
in my house.
I haven't seen my dick
for two years.
I realise I'm obese.
LAUGHTER
"Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, for cool,
for sure.
"Because I'm not just going to teach
you how to bench-press weights, bro.
"I'm going to teach you how
to bench press life."
"You're 22, mate.
"Shut your noise.
"I've forgotten what you know.
"Where I come from,
I'm old enough to be your dad.
"In fact, where I come from,
"I'm old enough
to be your grandad, son."
He said, "We've got a really
cool bit of kit, here.
"A really cool bit of kit.
"It'll tell you what
your metabolic age is."
And I'm like, "What does that mean?"
He's like, "It'll tell you,
basically, how old your organs are."
I was like, "Cool,
that sounds great."
I love machines and stuff.
So, he wraps me up to this thing,
and I'm holding on,
and a reading starts
to come through.
And the face of enjoyment,
and the face of smiling
and everything, that just goes.
And he looks seriously worried.
Really worried.
Looks ashen.
"Yeah, um
LAUGHTER
"..your metabolic age is 67."
67, Apollo!
CHEERING
Well, don't cheer that.
Don't Just
That's
That gives me about ten years left.
If I can't bring down my insides
to match my outsides, I'm a goner.
My wife then jumps on the machine,
and the look of disappointment,
the look of disdain just
comes across this man's face.
He looks horrified.
And he looks, and he goes
.."Your wife's metabolic age
"..is 14.
"You're 67.
"And your wife's 14."
I know what he's thinking, Apollo.
I'm a metabolic nonce.
APPLAUSE
I start worrying about
a Stranger Things scenario
taking place,
where everything flips upside down.
And we're living
in a metabolic universe.
They're coming for Big T,
and they're coming with pitchforks.
That was enough, mate.
Signed myself up for some sessions,
lost some timber.
Big T's looking good.
LAUGHTER
Feeling good, too.
Ladies and gentlemen of Apollo,
thank you so much. God bless you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tom Davis!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Apollo, are you ready
for your final act of the evening?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please welcome to the stage
the amazing Judi Love!
GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS
Yeah!
Woo!
Yes!
Apollo, how are you doing?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Woo!
Let me see who's in the house.
Ollie, ollie, ollie!
AUDIENCE: Oy! Oy! Oy!
Proper ravers.
What a year it's been.
I mean, honestly, people, right?
We had one of the hottest
summers ever, didn't we?
It was proper hot.
Proper hot, wasn't it?
I felt like it was so hot,
and it's like the Jamaica sun said,
"Let me come at England
and burn up the white people."
LAUGHTER
I mean, I was so hot, people.
I was lying in my bed
most nights naked.
Naked. Naked.
Just picture that. Naked.
CHEERING
Naked.
All right. You knowyou know,
when you're so naked,
the titties, them just drop
to the side. You ever?
You put your elbow in it.
You don't even realise it's numb
until an hour later, you know?
But I was proper, proper naked
cos it was hot, people.
I was sweating under the titty.
You know, and the little
kangaroo pouch. You know, that bit?
If you don't know, some of you
look at your bellies, right now.
Right now.
Underneath that kangaroo pouch,
it was sweating.
The legs were sweating.
And I said, "No.
"I've got to sleep with a fan on."
I put the fan on.
The fan was blowing away,
blowing away.
Blowing away all the bush,
all the bush.
LAUGHTER
And as I was there naked, right?
Naked. Naked.
I got bit on my chum-chum
by a mosquito.
And in that moment, I thought,
"When was the last time you got
bitten on your chum-chum, girl?"
Went carnival. Anyone went carnival?
WHOOPING
It's nice, isn't it?
Proper nice.
Like, it was so nice.
I mean, when I was younger, yeah,
I used to go carnival to get man,
OK?
I don't know if some of you lot
went there to get man,
girl, they, whatever.
But we must get love.
I mean, it's the biggest carnival
in Europe -
somebody's going to want this,
you know what I mean?
But when I was young, all girls were
like, "Yeah, let's go carnival."
We went carnival,
and we're dancing all the way.
You know, we'd go and get
jerk chicken and jerks.
LAUGHTER
And we had so much Thank you.
And we had so much fun,
do you know what I'm saying?
And the thing is,
back in the days, right?
You would know if you had
a good carnival, right?
Because you'd come home,
and the next day,
your phone would be ringing off.
You're like, "All right, bitches."
SHE GIGGLES
The next day, my phone was ringing.
It was ringing.
I was like, "Oh, my God.
Bit of numbers. Bit of numbers."
And I answered it, and one of them,
he was like, "You all right, Judes?
"You all right?"
I was like, "I'm good, you know.
"Who is it?"
He was like, "It's Duane.
It's Duane."
I know a lot of you look like
you've never had Duane call you,
but trust me, you would
have been happy, OK?
Now, in that moment, I was like,
"Duane? Duane? Which Duane?
"Was it this Duane?
Follow my leader
Leader, leader. ♪
"Was it this Duane?
Was it this Duane?
"Was it this Duane?"
"I was like, "Duane! Yeah, yeah.
I remember you, Duane.
"Yeah. Course, yeah.
Shall we meet up?"
Met up with Duane, right?
And the thing is, it's almost a bit
like online dating, you know,
and blind dates back in the days,
because, in my head, Duane looked
like the black stallion
from the Lloyds Bank advert.
He was strong, fast and black.
And I could use that pony tail
for a weave, do you understand?
So I was ready. I was ready
for Duane to get up all over this.
Then I heard, "Judith. Judi."
I thought, "Hold on. Judith?"
That don't sound like
the same Duane.
As Duane came towards me,
Duane looked like he had his hair
cut by the council, people.
LAUGHTER
Duane had more gums
than teeth, people.
He had some proper milk teeth,
like he didn't get enough milk
when he was a baby.
Now, I was just like,
"No, this is not my type.
"I don't understand what's
going on here.
"This is not what I wanted."
But let me tell you something,
people.
The sex was good. It was good.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I mean, Duane's little teeth
came in handy, you understand?
LAUGHTER
He ate that chum-chum,
like it was corn on the cob.
He was like
And the other day,
I experienced something, you know?
I felt white.
LAUGHTER
Don't know if you realise I'm black.
Felt proper white.
Proper white, I did.
I was in a comedy club.
There was another black woman,
and I was like,
"Oh, my God, sister.
"Nice to meet you."
And I said to her, you know,
"Where you from?"
And she goes, "I'm British."
And I was like, "Of course.
Of course.
"But where are you from-from?"
LAUGHTER
"Are you African?
Are you West Indian?"
She was like, "I'm African."
I said, "Are you Ghanaian?
Nigerian?"
She said, "There's more countries
than Ghana and Nigeria in Africa."
LAUGHTER
I was like, "Oh, my gosh."
You know, I turned to her
and I said, "Look, apologies, OK?
"I'm really sorry about that."
Then I turned to security and went,
"Get her out."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I looked back at her with a nice,
condescending smile.
"So, where are you from?"
She said, "Oh, from Zimbabwe."
I said, "Oh, my gosh,
why didn't you say that?
"I have one Zimbabwe friend."
LAUGHTER
You know, there's a lotthere's
a lot of stereotypes
around black people, OK?
And black lives matter.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
I'm glad to see so much woke
white people.
LAUGHTER
Cos usually, it's easier to talk
about anal with white people
..than racism.
Let's keep it real now.
I think Jesus is black.
Yeah. Ooh, that went intense
quite quickly.
I'll tell you why
I think Jesus is Black.
One, how they described his hair.
Hello! "Woollen."
Hello.
And secondly, as well, like,
let's keep it real.
Jesus was in the desert
for 40 days and 40 nights.
Did you see David, Paul, Peter,
Timothy, James or Luke in the desert
for 40 days and 40 nights?
No. Could you imagine them?
"Shit, Jesus, it's hot out, innit?
"That 50 factor's not working,
mate."
Another thing that made me think
Jesus is black
..he fed 5,000 people
..with five loaves and two fishes.
That's a black event, OK?
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Cos we're like, "Listen, no-one's
leaving here hungry, people.
"We're all going to eat."
And then I thought to myself,
on a serious level,
like, I think Jesus really is black
cos it could only really
be a black man that's trying
to help the homeless, you know,
heal people,
give them back their sight,
spread love and peace,
have no criminal record,
helping prostitutes to safety,
and somehow,
through all of that niceness,
get murdered and persecuted
by the authorities.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jesus is black.
Dating as a single mum is hard.
WHOOPING
Single people here?
Single? You single?
You scared?
LAUGHTER
SHE SNIFFS
Single man
..let me sniff you out.
Single? No.
Single? OK. Women, single?
WHOOPING
Thank you. Thank you.
Anyone want to dip
into the chocolate sea, eh?
Swim in it till you get diabetes?
Huh? Huh?
# Cos I'm sweet like chocolate, boy
# I'm sweet like chocolate
Ha! ♪
O7932
LAUGHTER
Stop wasting time, babes.
Seriously, dating, as a single mum,
it's hard.
And not even just dating.
I think to myself, "Why is it,
women, we're always the ones
"that have to be sexy, you know?"
We're always the one
When we go out,
we have to get our hair done.
That's, like, 30 quid. Get our nails
done, get our feet done.
Like, I was in bed the other day,
and, like, my feet were so tough,
right?
Like, I felt it dragging the sheets.
LAUGHTER
Have you ever been to bed
and you thought to yourself,
"Oh, my God,
what's all those crumbs?"
Then you realise
you live by yourself.
And you're like, "It's your foot,
bitch. It's your foot."
So, I had to go
and get my foot done.
Walked in the shop,
they were like, "£36."
I said, "Lovely."
Took out my foot, she went, "Shit."
I mean, this poor woman,
she was scrubbing so hard.
I mean, she was scrubbing.
She was there
It was like she had a grater,
you understand? Like it was cheese.
She put the newspaper on the floor.
You could just hear all the flesh
dropping down.
Hm-hm, that's what she said.
GROANING
SHE CHUCKLES
I mean, she looked so stressed.
She looked like her ancestors
was on the cotton field,
for crying out loud.
Left there paying £98
..per foot.
But, no, I'm tired!
I don't know about you. I'm tired of
always having to be the sexy one.
You know, like, having to shave and
make sure everything's all right.
And I think to myself, "No!
"We should stand up to this."
Yeah? Isn't it?
We should stand up to this, ladies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And we need to start serving
..organic chum-chum.
LAUGHTER
As fresh and raw as could be.
Because I was in the bathroom,
right?
Shaving.
You know, you've got one leg,
cock up on the bath.
LAUGHTER
Are you a cock up on the bath girl
or the sink? Which one?
Oh, so you're flexible.
On the sink?
I mean, I've just got it on the
bath. I'm shaving.
Some of you might be waxing,
you're shaving,
and you've got the kids outside.
For some reason, at this point,
where you're trying to shave it up,
because you don't want to
You're concentrating. You don't want
to cut nothing off
cos that could get the mortgage,
right?
Now you're shaving it up,
and the kids are outside.
"Mum, Mum, I need
to brush my teeth."
"Not now, babes.
I'm doing something.
"Mum, Mum, Mum, I need to come in
and wash my hands."
"Not now." And then, I remember,
"Oh, my God, I'm cooking."
I've got the potatoes on.
So, I'm like, "Turn off
the potatoes, babe.
"Turn off the potatoes."
They're like, "Mum, Mum,
I can't hear you. Let me come in."
And you just switch, and you go,
"For crying out loud,
I'm shaving my chum-chum!
"And if this shit goes right,
"you'll get an effing dad!"
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
My people, my name's Judi Love.
Enjoy your evening!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Judi Love!
You've been an amazing audience.
You've seen the brilliant
Tom Davis,
the incredible Judi Love,
I've been Ed Gamble.
Thank you very much
for coming to Live At The Apollo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE