The Simpsons s17e02 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons D'oh! (SCREAMS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (LOUD HAMMERING) Oh! (JACKHAMMER DRILLING) (HAMMERING CONTINUES) (SCATTING RHYTMICALLY) Homer! Do something about the noise! (CONTINUES SCATTING) It's 7:00 AM, what are they cock-a-doodily doing? Flanders, I can't listen to your crap before my coffee.
Okily-dokily, here's some French roast.
Now, I'll go make toast.
Stupid best friend Flanders.
BART: A stamp museum? (YELLS) oh! Stamps? Those are for snail mail! Stamps rule! I mean suck! Well, they can't just start building in our neighborhood without asking us.
Whatever happened to "please" and "thank you"? I think they killed each other.
You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.
(CROWD CLAMORING) We have to stop all this construction.
The noise is jiggling my grapes to the bottom of the Jell-o.
What man would want you now? Two, four, six, eight, I hate stamps, they aren't great! Okay, how about this? Seven, four, three, one Oh, wait, that's my pin number.
Everyone, forget that.
MAN: (SINGING) Tell me over and over And over again, my friend Ah, you don't believe Whoa! Again! Again! Whoa! Again! (CHUCKLING) Again! That's enough.
Don't you understand what I'm trying to say? Can't you feel the fears I'm feeling today? If the button is pushed "Come home from Iraq," my wife says.
"Fallujah's too dangerous," my wife says.
Whoo-hoo! (WHISTLING) Tell me over and over And over again, my friend.
(ALL SCREAMING) (THUDDING) All right, Homer! You beat those stamp Nazis with good old-fashioned American complaining.
Homer, if it weren't for you, we'd be at the mercy of weekend philatelists.
You know, why didn't you just say "stamp collectors"? 'Cause I'm tired of dumbing myself down for you.
The postal service is sending a change of address card To itself.
The stamp museum will now be built on the site of the Springfield cemetery.
The cemetery will be moved right here, next to the Simpsons.
Instead of a stamp museum, we'll be next door to a graveyard? Look at the bright side, Marge.
When I die, you can mourn me from the bathroom.
That's multitasking.
Hmm.
Hmm.
This is a little too spooky for me.
I don't even like watching the Count on Sesame Street.
One coconut, two coconuts, three coconuts (LAUGHS WICKEDLY) GO back to your own country! (CAWING) (HINGES CREAKING) (OWL HOOTING) This stinks.
My room is the only one that faces that cemetery.
Then the zombies will eat you first, and you won't have to watch them eat us.
Thanks for making me feel better.
Well, thanks for making me feel better, knowing that your screams when the zombies chomp your brains will warn me so I can get away.
There's no such thing as zombies! Ugh, glad to hear you say that, because the person who doesn't believe in zombies is always the first to get feasted upon.
(GRUNTS) (assume) Stop scaring me! (SCREAMS) Bart, don't you have homework to do? Yeah, and I could really use your help.
I believe in science and reality, not ghosts and monsters.
(YOWLING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Can I sleep with you guys tonight? Oh, sure you can, sweetie.
Just don't make a habit of it.
Okay, just let me clear some space.
(GRUNTS) HOMER: Out you go.
You, too.
(GROANS) Mmm, so that's why I've been smelling margaritas at 3:00 AM.
Hey, I love waking up drunk in the morning.
(GROANING) (MOANS) Ow! Lisa, honey, I know last night was tough, but all our kids sleep by themselves.
We don't even hear Maggie cry at night anymore.
Wait a minute, there's no batteries in this thing.
I needed them for my remote-control helicopter.
Tonight, I want you to really try to sleep in your own bed, because (WHIRRING) Homer, stop that! There's a little plastic man in your hair, and I'm trying to rescue him.
(WHIRRING) No soldier left behind.
Homer, can you help me out here? Lisa, honey, if you sleep in your own bed tomorrow, we'll do something special.
Just for you.
Well, I heard they finished the stamp museum.
That could be fun.
I can't believe it took us Why can't they build a stamp museum closer to our house? Dad, you fought tooth and nail to get it away from our house.
Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have consistency is something, something that something I love you, Bart.
Isn't this Lenny's house? Hey, Simpsons.
That'll be Oh, I thought it was $20! (CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's per axle.
Park over there in Carl-Four.
No early outs.
I can't believe you're making money off this.
Oh, yeah! Living next to the stamp museum is making me a mint! I bought a diamond for my belly button! You guys need water? No one's gonna pay a buck to drink water from your hose, so D'oh! Pay the man, Homer.
Wow, look at all these worthy Americans.
(BEEPS) My name is Frederick Ives.
I invented the halftone printing process.
Thanks to me, Katherine Blodgett, we have nonreflecting glass.
Yeesh! Butter face! And I'm Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone.
You stole it from me, Elisha Gray.
Read the patent number, bitch! "The Land of the Wild Beasts?" That's the first book I read all the way through.
You read a book all the way through? Why? Milton Burkhart's work has touched on every genre from books to films to advertising.
All right! Commercials! MAN: Once upon a time, a bad boy was sent to bed without any dinner.
But then, something magical happened.
Huh? ls this the land of the wild beasts? No, this is the land of the wild feasts! The Hillside Wrangler steak house! I'm $4.
99 Steak.
I'm All-You-Can-Eat Salad Bar! Yo, and I'm Sneeze Guard.
Put it under glass, dawgs.
(RUMBLING) And I'm Jumbo Shrimp! Maximum two servings! That's bull (BLEEP) Man! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) I love you, Hillside Wrangler! Tell us, Mr.
Burkhart, what led you to the magical world of children's books? I wanted to be a children's book illustrator ever since Playboy wouldn't publish my cartoons because they were too filthy.
(THUNDER CRACKING) Groundskeeper Willie? No, I'm his cousin, Gravedigger Billy.
I've been digging graves for 30 years, and I've never buried anyone alive.
If I did, they'd ring this bell.
(DINGING) (GASPS) Well, that's just the wind.
Oh, that's just a tree branch, with a nice watch on it! (GRUNTING) (YELPS) (SHUDDERING) MARGE: What a lousy party! I don't care what Apu was in a past life, in this life, he's a blabbermouth! Oh! And that Dr.
Hibbert was so boring.
"Homer, we've got to get that lump checked out.
" "Homer, we must discuss your test results.
" "Homer, we've got to find you a donor.
" Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
LISA: I thought those people were your friends.
(SIGHS) Look who's sleeping in our bed again.
I didn't know grownups said bad things about other grownups.
You see, sweetie, when a mommy and daddy are married for years and have nothing new to talk about, they bad-mouth their closest friends.
But I thought it was wrong to talk about people behind their backs.
I spy with my little eye a girl who's not sleeping in her room like she promised.
I know.
I'm sorry.
And I spy with my little eye something with four legs that can't run.
Homer, we're not really playing.
Oh ls it the chair? Exactly! Now, what has two ears but can't hear? Grandpa! Tragically, yes.
What if we show Lisa we can sleep in her room without being frightened'? Okay, Marge.
But don't be surprised if a snuggle monster shows up.
Well, I hope he's accompanied by the "how was your day" monster and the "foot rub" monster, and the "let me just" Don't worry, he's not showing up.
(CAWING) (BOTH SHUDDERING) Boy, Lisa's room really is scary.
Now, Willie, the pot of gold I saw is right down there.
All I see is an empty grave.
Why don't you fill it, you lazy bastard! Finally! Back in the only safe bedroom in the house.
What about Bart's bedroom? You know that race car bed I made him? Yeah.
The brakes are shot.
Ow, ow! Ow, ow.
Lisa, honey, any chance you could stop reading soon? Okay, I'll watch TV.
(GROANS) MAN: Now, Re-run Land takes you back to 1965 with Bonanza.
See here, Cartwright, your boys have been eating my apples.
That doesn't sound like my boys.
I'll thank you to keep a civil tongue.
(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, Lisa, do you really want to watch this? Mom, I think there's a danger this time they might lose the Ponderosa.
Ow! Learn to drive, boy! (SIGHS) We need professional help.
As a young child, did Lisa receive a lot of nurturing? Frankly, no.
Lisa kind of took care of herself.
Our oldest, Bart, was such a handful.
Did you bring those home movies of your daughter I asked for? Uh This is all I could find.
(CHUCKLING GUILTILY) (CHUCKLING) HOMER: Why you very little (GRUNTS) (CHOKING) Homer, stop that! Who was filming that scene? Stationary camera.
I see.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Simpson, to overcome her neglect Lisa had to suppress her childhood fears.
My ten-week program can help her learn to be a kid again.
Well worth the $4,000.
Four thousand dollars? Now, Marge, when our little girl's happiness is at stake (GRUNTS) Run, Marge! Start the car! I'm not chasing you, Mr.
Simpson.
And you won't! Unless you can leap through fire! (BLOWS) I can't keep sleeping in Morn and Dad's room.
Yeah, if Dad rolls over, you're dead.
Mom showed me how to make a retaining wall out of pillows.
But I'm going to conquer my fears.
Tonight.
(HINGES CREAKING) (OWL HOOTING) (STRAINED GRUNTS) I changed my mind! Can you please open the gate'? Hmm? I don't work here.
I was just visiting another security guard that died.
Bye, now.
(ANIMAL HOWLING IN DISTANCE) (SHUDDERING) If I can just spend the night here, I'll never be scared again.
And, boy, you're free to go home whenever you want.
(GASPS) Hi, Dr.
Nick.
Hi, everybody! I mean, I'm not Dr.
Nick.
I'm Dr.
Octopus.
Ha! I'm going to get you, Spidey.
Then I will have upside-down kiss with Mary Jane.
Huh? Bye, Dr.
Nick.
Bye, Lisa.
And remember, you have a checkup next Thursday.
We don't go to you anymore.
We have a better doctor.
Oh, congratulations! Boys, that grave robber could be anywhere.
The most vital thing is that we stick together.
Wait.
Where did everybody go? Okay, this is it, Clancy.
No squad car, no backup, legs cramping in fear.
Sweat in my eyes and groin I'd better get out of this damn cop uniform before someone takes a shot at me.
There we go.
Oh, hey, there's my Walkman.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) You know, I actually got into law school, but I just couldn't afford it.
Quiet, I hear something.
Yeah, that's my life slipping away.
Okay, got to keep calm.
If Scooby Doo has taught me anything, it's that the only thing to fear are crooked real estate developers.
(CRACKING) (HOOTING) (SCREAMING) (BATS SCREECHING) (SCREAMING) Whoa! (GROANING) Where's Lisa, boy? This book's going to solve all her problems.
Well, if you're looking for Lisa, she said she was going to spend the night in the boneyard out back.
The cemetery? And you're just sitting here'? I figured the best thing I could do is monitor the news for any reports.
You're watching cartoons! Just the show for me! Tim-Tom Tabby is a curious cat.
Went to see the queen in a velveteen hat.
Oh! This is so boring! (HAMMER CLICKS) Shh! (LAUGHS) Hey, Mom, can we have fried chicken for dinner? BOTH: Lisa! BOTH: Lisa! Don't worry, we're not evil spirits! Although, if we were evil spirits, we'd probably assume the shape of your parents.
Homer! Marge, we owe her the truth.
(SCREAMING) There, there, dear.
Grandma will protect you.
But I ain't grandma! (SCREAMING) Whoa, whoa, whoa! (GASPS) Lisa, meet your new husband.
(CHUCKLES) I made us a dream house out of slime! I don't know howl reproduce, but we'll have a great time figuring it out.
(SCREAMING) (SHATTERS) (GROANS) Where am I? (ROARING) (SCREAMING) Welcome to the land of wild beasts, little girl.
(ROARING) Not scared.
Not scared.
For God's sake, girl, you're eight years old.
It's natural for you to feel scared sometime.
But I'm too smart to get scared.
Lisa, everybody gets scared no matter how old or how smart they are.
In fact, I'm scared of her.
No, you're afraid of intimacy.
That's because I know after we mate, you'll eat me.
Your brother didn't seem to mind.
You know, you monsters seem scary, but when you get a little closer (LAUGHS) You're just funny.
(ALL MUMBLING) But wait.
How am I supposed to sleep with that spooky cemetery outside my window'? You could just draw the blinds, you silly goose.
Or get a night-light.
My dad says they're too expensive.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) For God's sake, they're four bucks apiece.
I could slime your dad, just like I slimed us a Paris honeymoon.
I think I'll be okay by myself.
What is it about slime that chicks don't dig? Bye, guys.
You've really helped me a lot.
Bye-bye, Lisa.
Bye, Lisa! See you soon! See you soon! We're always just a concussion away! Lisa, honey, please wake up.
If you do, I'll get you a new pony.
New pony? This is still part of your dream.
Dreaming Dreaming Now you're awake.
Oh! Sweetie, we're going to get you home and straighten out all these fears you have.
I think I'm going to be fine.
Let's get some breakfast.
Chief, it's light out.
You can open your eyes and come down.
I don't want to, Lou! I've got a pizza bagel for you.
Let's roll.