Celebrity Juice (2008) s17e03 Episode Script
Tony Hadley, Melody Thornton, Rylan Clark-Neal
1 I'm Keith Lemon, check out my new sweet-arse titles! You're probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" It's just another over-elaborate metaphor for how rad this show is.
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls! Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! We made it to the studio in time for the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D - I fucking wish it was! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! Yeah! Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Hi! Holly, who's on your team? On my right, he's my tall, dark and handsome pal from This Morning - font color=" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my left, she's the former Pussycat Doll and all-round babe - it's Melody Thornton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I've blown my beans already! Let's meet our other team captain - Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he makes a mean carbonara - it's Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! That's quite enough.
On my right, it's the pop legend Tony Hadley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino.
Gino.
Yes? It's a big week for you, innit? Why? With Brexit.
Have you packed up your restaurants and sold your dough balls? I've been in this country for 21 years.
Yeah, but Brexit is now gonna end those 21 years.
I come here, I show people how to make pasta, I think I'm useful! Very! He's what? You're what? Useful.
I don't want you to go.
I don't want to go! Nobody has no idea who I am in Italy! I don't have a job in Italy! I don't wanna get into political rows, I don't wanna say what I did, but a lot of people voted to get rid of you, didn't they? He was the main reason people wanted out.
"Get rid of him! I'm tired of fucking (BLEEP) coming over here!" That's not nice! I know! It's not my view, I like you! They voted to get out of Europe, not to get rid of Gino! Melody from the Pussy-juice Pussycat Dolls! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Splash! Melody Thornton! Yes.
Let's have a look at your in your Pussycat formation.
Oh, jeez! There you are.
All right.
Back in the day.
You were like the American Spice Girls, yeah? Yeah, OK.
They definitely paved the path.
Have you ever watched Celebrity Juice before? This is the first time we've met.
Bits and pieces.
You know about the tradition? What's that? Whenever a Pussycat Doll comes on Celebrity Juice, they give me a handjob.
Oh, yeah? Does that have to do with the bandage? No Say that again.
Oh, I thought you wanted to finger me? Nice! Nice! Is that it? They're all the fucking same out there! That shut you up, didn't it? He's gone all shy! All shy now, look! You actually went shy! I'm not shy! Yeah, I wanna finger you! I wanna fucking fingerblast you to bits! Do you wish my girlfriend was raw like you? I'll make you fucking raw! Melody, you just finished on Celebs Go Dating.
Yeah.
Here's a picture of you.
For anyone who's not seen Celebs Go Dating, it sounds obvious, but what's the message? So, it's It's celebrities going on dates with Other celebrities? .
.
common folk.
AUDIENCE: Oh! Is that the wrong way to say it? 'The public', Melody.
I'm in the wrong country! We're all people, aren't we? We're all people.
Yeah.
We all have tag nuts.
I You know What? Tag nuts.
I don't even know what that means.
You know when you go for poo and you wipe your bum, a few bits of tissue paper, then you can feel it snap.
All right.
Tag nuts.
Tony, you get tag nuts, don't you? You've got a hairy arse! You can't ask Tony Hadley that! Sometimes you're lucky and have a clean snip - you don't have to wipe, just "Oh, clean!" Yes! Are we gonna do games, or is this gonna be the show? I've never met Melody! She's lovely.
I've found my new favourite American.
Ah-ha-ha, ha-ha It's Tony Hadley! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, myself and Tony were just discussing in the makeup room how I introduce him, and then Gino got involved, and I was trying to tell Gino he's not in Spandau Ballet, he's FROM Spandau Ballet.
Understand? He's not in Spandau Ballet, he's from it.
I got confused.
I thought Spandau Ballet was a place.
I was like, "Spandau Ballet?" He goes, "No, it's the band.
" Boll You know who Spandau Ballet are, you fucking prick! Here's a picture of Spandau Ballet back in t'day in the '80s.
Oh, my good God! Is that when you were in Game of Thrones? You didn't go to Woolworths dressed like that, did you? I did.
You dressed like that on a daily basis? Yeah.
I don't now.
You didn't smile much, it was all pouty, wasn't it? Do you struggle smiling? I don't like my smile.
You don't? Let's have a look of your smile - we've got a picture.
It looks like Wallace and Gromit.
"Take this fucking picture, will you!" This is the most smiley one.
"Show us you teeth, Tony!" Where have you got all these from? Down camera five, give us a big one.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, dear.
Rylan, you were in a band.
Let's have a look at Rylan in a band.
There he is.
He's not smiling either.
I bet Rylan's shitting himself, "I hope we haven't got any footage of me singing.
" Have we got any footage? No, we haven't.
What was the band called? We have got some footage! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Every time! # Nothing at all, nothing I cannot do # Promise I made, promise I made # Starting to fade, starting to fade, babe # You're gonna make me, make me love you # Nothing at all, nothing I cannot do # Promise I made, promise I made # Starting to fade, starting to fade # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was worried about what he was gonna say to me, but I'm not worried font color="cyan Tony, there's something I've always wanted to ask you.
Right, go on.
# Why do I find it hard to write the next line? # Why did you find it hard to write the next line? (APPLAUSE) Cos I didn't write the one before.
I don't know if you wrote True, but in True you sang this # This is the sound of my soul # Tony, what I've always anted to ask you is, what is the sound of your soul? I've got a mike here - let's I know where the soul area is.
Let's hear the sound of Tony's soul.
(HEAVENLY CHANTING) Wow! Wow! That's spooky, innit? Fearne, let's have a listen to your soul.
Let's have a listen.
MAN: Help me! Help me! Get me out of this body! Yeah.
I expect nothing less.
"She keeps feeding me berries and twigs! I'd die for a sugar!" Let's hear what Gino's sounds like.
Let's listen to Gino's.
(MOANING AND PANTING) Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Ooh! (GRUNTING AND SQUELCHING) (APPLAUSE) You've got a dirty soul, Gino Sheffield D'Acampo! Pure filth through and through.
We've never talked about it, but you know that party you went to when we did the live episode? What happened? We all had a drink and he didn't mention it.
It was very smelly.
It's like when you go to a fishmonger.
Right.
Good.
They were really kind of doing things and licking each other.
I was this close to a willy! Oh, yeah! This close! We've got a picture! Look at this.
Did you swap numbers? Have you ever been Yeah, you have.
Were you asking Rylan if he's ever been that close to a willy? You don't know lucky you fucking are! Do you remember when we played Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon? Do you remember? Yeah.
Jimmy Carr set the world record.
He smacked the bar with his metal pole 51 times.
Now, Tony, you sent me a little letter, didn't you? Did I? Tony, you sent me a little letter, didn't you? Yes.
Here's the letter.
"Dear Keith, I was watching the show last week, which I love so much, by the way, and I really think I could beat Jimmy Carr's world record in the Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon! Please could you fix it for" Oh, he's crossed 'fix it' out.
".
.
make it happen for me? Tony, aged 56 and three-quarters.
" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What are you like? Shall we do it? I've gotta now! Let's do it! Let's play! The Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon! Hello, welcome to the Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon! We've got a leaderboard.
As I said, Jimmy Carr broke the record the other week with 51 smacks on the pole.
There he is at the top of the leaderboard.
Gino D'Acampo got 14.
Tony's here hoping to beat that record.
All you've gotta do, using your metal pole, is smack the runner-rail apparatus there.
Melody will be counting with her counting mechanism.
Isn't she great? I just wanna collect her and keep her.
If you'd like to chalk up your hands.
Is it true they're gonna turn this into an Olympic sport? Yeah, it's true, yeah.
100% true.
That's the only reason I've agreed to Yeah, that's it.
My mum is not watching this show! Right, listen for the beeps.
Are you ready? OK.
Here are the beeps.
(BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP) Go! Oh, f (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go on, Tony! (SIREN SOUNDS) Let's have a look at Tony in slow-mo.
Oh, no! # Ah-ha-ha, ha-ha # I know this much is true # Now, like I said, Jimmy Carr got 51, he was a world record breaker.
Melody, what did Tony get? You got 51! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joint world record breaker.
That is so knackering.
Surely half a point for bending the pole? He's gotta get something! Did Jimmy do that? No! Well done, Tony Hadley! The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Time to play one of my favourite games - an oldie but goldie.
Let's play it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I don't know if you're aware of this game, but it's simple.
You mustn't stutter, you mustn't repeat, but most importantly, you mustn't, Rylan, show your teeth.
I'm gonna give you a category and then we will start.
The category is Rylan.
Cinema.
Nice bottle of wine.
Have a snog.
(INDISTINCT) Penetration.
(APPLAUSE) Go bowling.
Hold hands.
Go for a cycle ride.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go (BUZZ) Second base.
Second base.
(HONKS) Find out about family.
Find out about family.
Play hide and seek.
(BUZZ) Sharing a taxi home.
Sharing a taxi home.
(BUZZ) Picking flowers in the park.
Have a cocktail.
Erm That means the winning team is Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break now, see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break Scrub it with that sponge.
Huh? Just scrub with the sponge! Scrub with the sponge! Scrub with the sponge! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Rylan, you know when you were on the X Factor, what's the first song you sang on the live show? What was it? I know what it is and I thought this in the car on the way here, "You prick.
I bet you do this.
" What was the song? It was Gold, Spandau Ballet.
Sang Gold on the first live show.
I didn't know you did that! There he is singing Gold.
I've embarrassed you already, so we're not gonna show a clip.
Thank you very much.
I'm gonna give you a mike and you're gonna sing it.
No, I'm not! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No, I'm not! I'm not! You know on Celebrity Juice we like to make dreams come true, so what a dream to come true for you to sing Gold in front of Tony Hadley.
So can we have some sort of lighting change, something gold, and some music.
People are leaving already! People are actually leaving! People are leaving! (APPLAUSE) Get ready.
Go! Go! I can't do it, I can't do it! Are we not stopping? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I can't sing that song! I couldn't fucking sing it then, let alone now! Tony, what did you think? Listen It's led to this in your career now.
He's sugar-coating it - he thinks it were shit! Fearne, can you remember when we played Rhyming Street? Oh, I like that! It became a global phenomenon.
It did, yeah.
It took off.
Can you remember last series, when you lost playing Rhyming Street twice? I don't remember that bit.
I'm gonna give you a chance to redeem yourself and become a winner, as we take another trip down Rhyming Street.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, and welcome to Rhyming Street.
We're gonna take a trip and bump into celebrities - their names will rhyme with what they're doing.
Let's go down Rhyming Street.
Oh, no, this is on fire! My arse is killing me! I better put some stuff on it, cos I don't want blood coming out.
Next up, it's Hollyoaks! (MUNCHING AND CHOMPING) I should have bought a kebab, I don't like this! (FARTING) (ROBOTIC SOUNDS) Living the dream! Oh, look at my arms, they're fucking massive Ooh, well, I don't really know! Woof! (LAUGHS) I love Lassie! OK.
I've definitely Holly's team, how many do you think you got there? We're gonna go seven.
Fearne's team? We're gonna go eight.
All eight? OK.
Tina Turner with a Bunsen burner.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
Harry Styles with piles.
Let's have a look.
Harry Styles with piles.
June Sarpong smoking a bong.
June Sarpong smoking a bong - correct.
Les Dennis playing tennis.
Yeah, that's there.
Elton John eating a swan.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, there he is.
Dawn French shitting on a bench.
Dawn French shitting on a bench.
Is the red herring Whoopi Goldberg just having a wank? I enjoyed that sentence.
Is that the red herring? That was a red herring.
That was Whoopi Goldberg slapping her flaps.
Oh.
Stephen Hawking Going for a walking.
.
.
walking.
Stephen Hawking walking.
One more.
Keanu Reeves with long sleeves.
That's correct.
You could see the second when you do the corner of them.
It's just a game! It's just a game! We wanna win, motherfucker! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, the one your team missed was Shirley Bassey riding Lassie.
Of course! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Melody, I had a dream once that I was a duvet.
A what? I was a duvet.
Duvet? Yeah, I was a duvet.
Yeah.
It was terribly hard just to manoeuvre being a duvet.
Yeah.
This did inspire me to play a round, so let's play that round.
It's called (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, and welcome to Help Me! I'm a Duvet! This is the pilot for the show, but I think it's gonna go well.
Without further ado, let's find out who's playing first.
First up, it's Holly and Rylan! # THEME FROM THIS MORNING (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Versus Fearne and Gino! # EVANESCENCE: "BRING ME TO LIFE" AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! GINO: This is stupid.
What's that? It's stupid! Why have I got a pink duvet? Just a bit of fun.
HOLLY: You look pretty.
Let's see what your challenge is, Holly and Rylan.
Let's spin the wheel.
It's a bit like the X Factor when they chose their genres of song each week.
I'm not stopping this, it stops by itself.
Ooh, what will it be? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep Cleaning a bathroom! RYLAN: No! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No, I don't wanna do that! HOLLY: Whose bathroom are we cleaning? You'll be cleaning my dressing room.
No! Let's see what Fearne and Gino are doing.
Sh-ba-dibby-dibby-jibby-dibby GINO: We're gonna wash a car.
I already know - they told us in the back.
Come on, let's go wash the car.
Why are we friends? Because we are on the show together.
AUDIENCE: Aw! OK, are you ready? You'll go on the klaxon.
Is there a step? (KLAXON SOUNDS) # THEME FROM THE CRYSTAL MAZE Oh, Fearne's straight up and it! Look at that! Getting all the disgusting dirt off.
Do you clean your own car, Gino? Not really.
Fearne, that's me! I can't really see very well, I'm in a duvet Get scrubbing with that sponge.
Huh? Just scrub with the sponge! Whoa! Fearne! Scrub with the sponge! Get scrubbing with the sponge! HOLLY: Right, where are we? Can you stop complaining, this is not the worst RYLAN: We're OK.
Who's there? Who's there? Am I cleaning I'll go left, you go right.
Just go.
Oh, my Oh, dear, what is this?! (RETCHES) I sprayed it so you couldn't smell it.
It should smell quite nice.
I can't go in there.
If you just clean it up.
(RETCHES) Oh, my God! (RETCHES) What do I clean it with? Where's your cleaning products? (RETCHES) I don't know what you're making noises for, Rylan, your pubes are that colour, too! Where's the button for this hoover? You're doing the hoover? Oh, shit, I've broke the hoover! I've broke the hoover.
You all right, Rylan? (RETCHES) It's a new high for Holly! It's a new high! Let's go, Gino! Where are you? Where have you gone? Has he pissed off? Gino, come on, you idiot! Gino, seriously, get a shift on! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne Cotton in the hizzouz! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You are just getting quite wet - I'm very sorry.
It's hard to see what's going on.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here they are - Holly and Rylan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Poke your heads out, let's see you.
Oh, my God, my hair! I'm apologising, what's gonna happen to my hair.
Oh, you look fit! Oh, my God, that was I wanna cut back to the car to see how clean the car is It's out of the car.
Yeah.
The car is clean.
The car is spotless.
Good job.
Let's go to the bathroom now.
How clean is your bathroom? So, audience, who do you think won? Rylan and Holly? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Or Fearne and Gino? (WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The point goes to Fearne and Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break now, I'll see you in three.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break (SCREAMS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There's all to play for in The Buzzer Round! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Buzz in if you know the answer, if you don't, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly's team, what's your buzzer? "You're hot like me! You get me?" Fearne's team, what's your buzzer? "I'm from Spandau Ballet, I'm not in it, you fucking idiot!" He's FROM Spandau Ballet, he's not IN it.
Here's your first question.
What love-making tips has Gwyneth Paltrow's website been giving? "I like fingering.
I'll leave you fucking bitches raw!" I know this - I read the article.
It's about anal.
Anal sex advice, that's correct.
Anal sex advice.
(SCREAMS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
What's the best way to pose by some blinds? "Oh, you fucking know this much is true.
" That's Fearne's team.
Sort of The blinds are here, you're leaning like that.
"My girlfriend, she's a fucking freak.
" I disagree.
What do you think it is? If the blinds are there and they're venetian, pop a finger through.
Oh, yeah! Tony, what do you think? I'm lost.
I'm completely lost! Could the answer be this? (APPLAUSE) Where did you get Or could the answer be this? There's a third.
There's that one.
What's the answer? Put your finger through the blinds.
You're giving Holly's team the point? (DING!) Tony, you love cheesy puffs, don't you? I love cheesy puffs.
I'm gonna give you a chance to win a point.
Here's a bag of cheesy puffs.
If you can eat these cheesy puffs within 30 seconds, and I don't mean like on Sesame Street, where Cookie Monster just throws them around, I mean eat them in 30 seconds, you get a point.
Rylan said he could do that in ten seconds.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! It's a race.
Use those teeth! Serious game face going on here.
Here's the klaxon.
(KLAXON BLARES) Look at Rylan - pours it down his neck.
Holy shitballs! Look at the intensity! He's gonna sick up cheesy puffs all over t'place.
He's eaten them - he's done it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Nice work, Tony.
In my teeth! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, Tony.
Eat it all.
Digest, digest.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was so close! Who was it? Let's have a shot.
Look - empty mouth.
Empty mouth.
Let's have a look at Rylan's empty mouth.
Oh! There's some sneaky cheesy puffs in there! Tony Hadley's the winner! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's this gorgeous babe? "I'm into regular sex!" Is this one of the Pussycat Dolls, one of the blondes? "You know what I like do? I like do a little bit of fingering!" It's me.
Eh? It's me.
Rylan says it's him - let's have a look.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What are you doing there? That's not a wig.
That ain't a wig! What's the best way to sit on a sofa? Is it this? Is that the best way to sit on a sofa? That's quite a nice way.
Or is it this? Saucy! Yes, it's like Yes, whatever.
You would think there's only two ways, but there's a third.
Tony, what's the best way to sit on a sofa? That way, with the legs slightly spread apart, hands in the middle.
That is correct! (DING!) Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) There's the klaxon! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of The Buzzer Round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is Melody, it's the first time you've been on Celebrity Juice, and I can tell you that you've lost - it was Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wah, wah, wah, wah! I was Keith Lemon, if I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # SPANDAU BALLET: "Gold"
There's Holly Willoughboozy firing space lasers from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo firing dough balls! Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence! We made it to the studio in time for the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
Not in 3D - I fucking wish it was! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! Yeah! Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Hi! Holly, who's on your team? On my right, he's my tall, dark and handsome pal from This Morning - font color=" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On my left, she's the former Pussycat Doll and all-round babe - it's Melody Thornton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I've blown my beans already! Let's meet our other team captain - Fearne Cotton! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, who's on your team? On my left, he makes a mean carbonara - it's Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! That's quite enough.
On my right, it's the pop legend Tony Hadley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Gino.
Gino.
Yes? It's a big week for you, innit? Why? With Brexit.
Have you packed up your restaurants and sold your dough balls? I've been in this country for 21 years.
Yeah, but Brexit is now gonna end those 21 years.
I come here, I show people how to make pasta, I think I'm useful! Very! He's what? You're what? Useful.
I don't want you to go.
I don't want to go! Nobody has no idea who I am in Italy! I don't have a job in Italy! I don't wanna get into political rows, I don't wanna say what I did, but a lot of people voted to get rid of you, didn't they? He was the main reason people wanted out.
"Get rid of him! I'm tired of fucking (BLEEP) coming over here!" That's not nice! I know! It's not my view, I like you! They voted to get out of Europe, not to get rid of Gino! Melody from the Pussy-juice Pussycat Dolls! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Splash! Melody Thornton! Yes.
Let's have a look at your in your Pussycat formation.
Oh, jeez! There you are.
All right.
Back in the day.
You were like the American Spice Girls, yeah? Yeah, OK.
They definitely paved the path.
Have you ever watched Celebrity Juice before? This is the first time we've met.
Bits and pieces.
You know about the tradition? What's that? Whenever a Pussycat Doll comes on Celebrity Juice, they give me a handjob.
Oh, yeah? Does that have to do with the bandage? No Say that again.
Oh, I thought you wanted to finger me? Nice! Nice! Is that it? They're all the fucking same out there! That shut you up, didn't it? He's gone all shy! All shy now, look! You actually went shy! I'm not shy! Yeah, I wanna finger you! I wanna fucking fingerblast you to bits! Do you wish my girlfriend was raw like you? I'll make you fucking raw! Melody, you just finished on Celebs Go Dating.
Yeah.
Here's a picture of you.
For anyone who's not seen Celebs Go Dating, it sounds obvious, but what's the message? So, it's It's celebrities going on dates with Other celebrities? .
.
common folk.
AUDIENCE: Oh! Is that the wrong way to say it? 'The public', Melody.
I'm in the wrong country! We're all people, aren't we? We're all people.
Yeah.
We all have tag nuts.
I You know What? Tag nuts.
I don't even know what that means.
You know when you go for poo and you wipe your bum, a few bits of tissue paper, then you can feel it snap.
All right.
Tag nuts.
Tony, you get tag nuts, don't you? You've got a hairy arse! You can't ask Tony Hadley that! Sometimes you're lucky and have a clean snip - you don't have to wipe, just "Oh, clean!" Yes! Are we gonna do games, or is this gonna be the show? I've never met Melody! She's lovely.
I've found my new favourite American.
Ah-ha-ha, ha-ha It's Tony Hadley! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, myself and Tony were just discussing in the makeup room how I introduce him, and then Gino got involved, and I was trying to tell Gino he's not in Spandau Ballet, he's FROM Spandau Ballet.
Understand? He's not in Spandau Ballet, he's from it.
I got confused.
I thought Spandau Ballet was a place.
I was like, "Spandau Ballet?" He goes, "No, it's the band.
" Boll You know who Spandau Ballet are, you fucking prick! Here's a picture of Spandau Ballet back in t'day in the '80s.
Oh, my good God! Is that when you were in Game of Thrones? You didn't go to Woolworths dressed like that, did you? I did.
You dressed like that on a daily basis? Yeah.
I don't now.
You didn't smile much, it was all pouty, wasn't it? Do you struggle smiling? I don't like my smile.
You don't? Let's have a look of your smile - we've got a picture.
It looks like Wallace and Gromit.
"Take this fucking picture, will you!" This is the most smiley one.
"Show us you teeth, Tony!" Where have you got all these from? Down camera five, give us a big one.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, dear.
Rylan, you were in a band.
Let's have a look at Rylan in a band.
There he is.
He's not smiling either.
I bet Rylan's shitting himself, "I hope we haven't got any footage of me singing.
" Have we got any footage? No, we haven't.
What was the band called? We have got some footage! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Every time! # Nothing at all, nothing I cannot do # Promise I made, promise I made # Starting to fade, starting to fade, babe # You're gonna make me, make me love you # Nothing at all, nothing I cannot do # Promise I made, promise I made # Starting to fade, starting to fade # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I was worried about what he was gonna say to me, but I'm not worried font color="cyan Tony, there's something I've always wanted to ask you.
Right, go on.
# Why do I find it hard to write the next line? # Why did you find it hard to write the next line? (APPLAUSE) Cos I didn't write the one before.
I don't know if you wrote True, but in True you sang this # This is the sound of my soul # Tony, what I've always anted to ask you is, what is the sound of your soul? I've got a mike here - let's I know where the soul area is.
Let's hear the sound of Tony's soul.
(HEAVENLY CHANTING) Wow! Wow! That's spooky, innit? Fearne, let's have a listen to your soul.
Let's have a listen.
MAN: Help me! Help me! Get me out of this body! Yeah.
I expect nothing less.
"She keeps feeding me berries and twigs! I'd die for a sugar!" Let's hear what Gino's sounds like.
Let's listen to Gino's.
(MOANING AND PANTING) Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Ooh! (GRUNTING AND SQUELCHING) (APPLAUSE) You've got a dirty soul, Gino Sheffield D'Acampo! Pure filth through and through.
We've never talked about it, but you know that party you went to when we did the live episode? What happened? We all had a drink and he didn't mention it.
It was very smelly.
It's like when you go to a fishmonger.
Right.
Good.
They were really kind of doing things and licking each other.
I was this close to a willy! Oh, yeah! This close! We've got a picture! Look at this.
Did you swap numbers? Have you ever been Yeah, you have.
Were you asking Rylan if he's ever been that close to a willy? You don't know lucky you fucking are! Do you remember when we played Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon? Do you remember? Yeah.
Jimmy Carr set the world record.
He smacked the bar with his metal pole 51 times.
Now, Tony, you sent me a little letter, didn't you? Did I? Tony, you sent me a little letter, didn't you? Yes.
Here's the letter.
"Dear Keith, I was watching the show last week, which I love so much, by the way, and I really think I could beat Jimmy Carr's world record in the Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon! Please could you fix it for" Oh, he's crossed 'fix it' out.
".
.
make it happen for me? Tony, aged 56 and three-quarters.
" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What are you like? Shall we do it? I've gotta now! Let's do it! Let's play! The Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon! Hello, welcome to the Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon! We've got a leaderboard.
As I said, Jimmy Carr broke the record the other week with 51 smacks on the pole.
There he is at the top of the leaderboard.
Gino D'Acampo got 14.
Tony's here hoping to beat that record.
All you've gotta do, using your metal pole, is smack the runner-rail apparatus there.
Melody will be counting with her counting mechanism.
Isn't she great? I just wanna collect her and keep her.
If you'd like to chalk up your hands.
Is it true they're gonna turn this into an Olympic sport? Yeah, it's true, yeah.
100% true.
That's the only reason I've agreed to Yeah, that's it.
My mum is not watching this show! Right, listen for the beeps.
Are you ready? OK.
Here are the beeps.
(BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP) Go! Oh, f (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go on, Tony! (SIREN SOUNDS) Let's have a look at Tony in slow-mo.
Oh, no! # Ah-ha-ha, ha-ha # I know this much is true # Now, like I said, Jimmy Carr got 51, he was a world record breaker.
Melody, what did Tony get? You got 51! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Joint world record breaker.
That is so knackering.
Surely half a point for bending the pole? He's gotta get something! Did Jimmy do that? No! Well done, Tony Hadley! The scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The Ding-a-ling-a Dong-a-long-a-thon! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Time to play one of my favourite games - an oldie but goldie.
Let's play it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I don't know if you're aware of this game, but it's simple.
You mustn't stutter, you mustn't repeat, but most importantly, you mustn't, Rylan, show your teeth.
I'm gonna give you a category and then we will start.
The category is Rylan.
Cinema.
Nice bottle of wine.
Have a snog.
(INDISTINCT) Penetration.
(APPLAUSE) Go bowling.
Hold hands.
Go for a cycle ride.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Go (BUZZ) Second base.
Second base.
(HONKS) Find out about family.
Find out about family.
Play hide and seek.
(BUZZ) Sharing a taxi home.
Sharing a taxi home.
(BUZZ) Picking flowers in the park.
Have a cocktail.
Erm That means the winning team is Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break now, see you in three! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break Scrub it with that sponge.
Huh? Just scrub with the sponge! Scrub with the sponge! Scrub with the sponge! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello! Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Rylan, you know when you were on the X Factor, what's the first song you sang on the live show? What was it? I know what it is and I thought this in the car on the way here, "You prick.
I bet you do this.
" What was the song? It was Gold, Spandau Ballet.
Sang Gold on the first live show.
I didn't know you did that! There he is singing Gold.
I've embarrassed you already, so we're not gonna show a clip.
Thank you very much.
I'm gonna give you a mike and you're gonna sing it.
No, I'm not! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No, I'm not! I'm not! You know on Celebrity Juice we like to make dreams come true, so what a dream to come true for you to sing Gold in front of Tony Hadley.
So can we have some sort of lighting change, something gold, and some music.
People are leaving already! People are actually leaving! People are leaving! (APPLAUSE) Get ready.
Go! Go! I can't do it, I can't do it! Are we not stopping? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I can't sing that song! I couldn't fucking sing it then, let alone now! Tony, what did you think? Listen It's led to this in your career now.
He's sugar-coating it - he thinks it were shit! Fearne, can you remember when we played Rhyming Street? Oh, I like that! It became a global phenomenon.
It did, yeah.
It took off.
Can you remember last series, when you lost playing Rhyming Street twice? I don't remember that bit.
I'm gonna give you a chance to redeem yourself and become a winner, as we take another trip down Rhyming Street.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, and welcome to Rhyming Street.
We're gonna take a trip and bump into celebrities - their names will rhyme with what they're doing.
Let's go down Rhyming Street.
Oh, no, this is on fire! My arse is killing me! I better put some stuff on it, cos I don't want blood coming out.
Next up, it's Hollyoaks! (MUNCHING AND CHOMPING) I should have bought a kebab, I don't like this! (FARTING) (ROBOTIC SOUNDS) Living the dream! Oh, look at my arms, they're fucking massive Ooh, well, I don't really know! Woof! (LAUGHS) I love Lassie! OK.
I've definitely Holly's team, how many do you think you got there? We're gonna go seven.
Fearne's team? We're gonna go eight.
All eight? OK.
Tina Turner with a Bunsen burner.
Let's have a look.
That's correct.
Harry Styles with piles.
Let's have a look.
Harry Styles with piles.
June Sarpong smoking a bong.
June Sarpong smoking a bong - correct.
Les Dennis playing tennis.
Yeah, that's there.
Elton John eating a swan.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, there he is.
Dawn French shitting on a bench.
Dawn French shitting on a bench.
Is the red herring Whoopi Goldberg just having a wank? I enjoyed that sentence.
Is that the red herring? That was a red herring.
That was Whoopi Goldberg slapping her flaps.
Oh.
Stephen Hawking Going for a walking.
.
.
walking.
Stephen Hawking walking.
One more.
Keanu Reeves with long sleeves.
That's correct.
You could see the second when you do the corner of them.
It's just a game! It's just a game! We wanna win, motherfucker! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne, the one your team missed was Shirley Bassey riding Lassie.
Of course! And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Melody, I had a dream once that I was a duvet.
A what? I was a duvet.
Duvet? Yeah, I was a duvet.
Yeah.
It was terribly hard just to manoeuvre being a duvet.
Yeah.
This did inspire me to play a round, so let's play that round.
It's called (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, and welcome to Help Me! I'm a Duvet! This is the pilot for the show, but I think it's gonna go well.
Without further ado, let's find out who's playing first.
First up, it's Holly and Rylan! # THEME FROM THIS MORNING (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Versus Fearne and Gino! # EVANESCENCE: "BRING ME TO LIFE" AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! GINO: This is stupid.
What's that? It's stupid! Why have I got a pink duvet? Just a bit of fun.
HOLLY: You look pretty.
Let's see what your challenge is, Holly and Rylan.
Let's spin the wheel.
It's a bit like the X Factor when they chose their genres of song each week.
I'm not stopping this, it stops by itself.
Ooh, what will it be? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep Cleaning a bathroom! RYLAN: No! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No, I don't wanna do that! HOLLY: Whose bathroom are we cleaning? You'll be cleaning my dressing room.
No! Let's see what Fearne and Gino are doing.
Sh-ba-dibby-dibby-jibby-dibby GINO: We're gonna wash a car.
I already know - they told us in the back.
Come on, let's go wash the car.
Why are we friends? Because we are on the show together.
AUDIENCE: Aw! OK, are you ready? You'll go on the klaxon.
Is there a step? (KLAXON SOUNDS) # THEME FROM THE CRYSTAL MAZE Oh, Fearne's straight up and it! Look at that! Getting all the disgusting dirt off.
Do you clean your own car, Gino? Not really.
Fearne, that's me! I can't really see very well, I'm in a duvet Get scrubbing with that sponge.
Huh? Just scrub with the sponge! Whoa! Fearne! Scrub with the sponge! Get scrubbing with the sponge! HOLLY: Right, where are we? Can you stop complaining, this is not the worst RYLAN: We're OK.
Who's there? Who's there? Am I cleaning I'll go left, you go right.
Just go.
Oh, my Oh, dear, what is this?! (RETCHES) I sprayed it so you couldn't smell it.
It should smell quite nice.
I can't go in there.
If you just clean it up.
(RETCHES) Oh, my God! (RETCHES) What do I clean it with? Where's your cleaning products? (RETCHES) I don't know what you're making noises for, Rylan, your pubes are that colour, too! Where's the button for this hoover? You're doing the hoover? Oh, shit, I've broke the hoover! I've broke the hoover.
You all right, Rylan? (RETCHES) It's a new high for Holly! It's a new high! Let's go, Gino! Where are you? Where have you gone? Has he pissed off? Gino, come on, you idiot! Gino, seriously, get a shift on! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Fearne Cotton in the hizzouz! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You are just getting quite wet - I'm very sorry.
It's hard to see what's going on.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here they are - Holly and Rylan! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Poke your heads out, let's see you.
Oh, my God, my hair! I'm apologising, what's gonna happen to my hair.
Oh, you look fit! Oh, my God, that was I wanna cut back to the car to see how clean the car is It's out of the car.
Yeah.
The car is clean.
The car is spotless.
Good job.
Let's go to the bathroom now.
How clean is your bathroom? So, audience, who do you think won? Rylan and Holly? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Or Fearne and Gino? (WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The point goes to Fearne and Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We're going to an ad break now, I'll see you in three.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after t'break (SCREAMS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hoorah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) There's all to play for in The Buzzer Round! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Buzz in if you know the answer, if you don't, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly's team, what's your buzzer? "You're hot like me! You get me?" Fearne's team, what's your buzzer? "I'm from Spandau Ballet, I'm not in it, you fucking idiot!" He's FROM Spandau Ballet, he's not IN it.
Here's your first question.
What love-making tips has Gwyneth Paltrow's website been giving? "I like fingering.
I'll leave you fucking bitches raw!" I know this - I read the article.
It's about anal.
Anal sex advice, that's correct.
Anal sex advice.
(SCREAMS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
What's the best way to pose by some blinds? "Oh, you fucking know this much is true.
" That's Fearne's team.
Sort of The blinds are here, you're leaning like that.
"My girlfriend, she's a fucking freak.
" I disagree.
What do you think it is? If the blinds are there and they're venetian, pop a finger through.
Oh, yeah! Tony, what do you think? I'm lost.
I'm completely lost! Could the answer be this? (APPLAUSE) Where did you get Or could the answer be this? There's a third.
There's that one.
What's the answer? Put your finger through the blinds.
You're giving Holly's team the point? (DING!) Tony, you love cheesy puffs, don't you? I love cheesy puffs.
I'm gonna give you a chance to win a point.
Here's a bag of cheesy puffs.
If you can eat these cheesy puffs within 30 seconds, and I don't mean like on Sesame Street, where Cookie Monster just throws them around, I mean eat them in 30 seconds, you get a point.
Rylan said he could do that in ten seconds.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! It's a race.
Use those teeth! Serious game face going on here.
Here's the klaxon.
(KLAXON BLARES) Look at Rylan - pours it down his neck.
Holy shitballs! Look at the intensity! He's gonna sick up cheesy puffs all over t'place.
He's eaten them - he's done it! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Nice work, Tony.
In my teeth! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, Tony.
Eat it all.
Digest, digest.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That was so close! Who was it? Let's have a shot.
Look - empty mouth.
Empty mouth.
Let's have a look at Rylan's empty mouth.
Oh! There's some sneaky cheesy puffs in there! Tony Hadley's the winner! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Who's this gorgeous babe? "I'm into regular sex!" Is this one of the Pussycat Dolls, one of the blondes? "You know what I like do? I like do a little bit of fingering!" It's me.
Eh? It's me.
Rylan says it's him - let's have a look.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What are you doing there? That's not a wig.
That ain't a wig! What's the best way to sit on a sofa? Is it this? Is that the best way to sit on a sofa? That's quite a nice way.
Or is it this? Saucy! Yes, it's like Yes, whatever.
You would think there's only two ways, but there's a third.
Tony, what's the best way to sit on a sofa? That way, with the legs slightly spread apart, hands in the middle.
That is correct! (DING!) Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (KLAXON SOUNDS) There's the klaxon! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's the end of The Buzzer Round, that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is Melody, it's the first time you've been on Celebrity Juice, and I can tell you that you've lost - it was Fearne's team! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wah, wah, wah, wah! I was Keith Lemon, if I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through t'window.
Let's dance! # SPANDAU BALLET: "Gold"