The Simpsons s17e03 Episode Script

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (EXCLAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (DINGS) Ha-ha! And now let us bow our heads in silent prayer.
Maggie! That's not what you do with a hymnal.
Homer! What? I forgot to floss this morning.
Oh, somethings wrong with Maggie.
We should get her to Dr.
Hibbert.
But I don't see him anywhere.
The Hibberts now attend a more boisterous house of worship.
(CLEARS THROAT) (LIVELY GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) Let the light ALL: Shine on! From the lighthouse ALL: Shine on! Shine on me ALL: Shine on Shine on me ALL: Shine on In the morning This is awesome.
Black God rules.
Shine on Oh, let it shine on (CHUCKLES) Um, Dr.
Hibbert? Mmm-hmm? I hate to interrupt while you're rejoicing but Maggie is terribly itchy.
Mmm-hmm! Oh, this looks to be the initial stages of chicken pox.
Say amen! Amen! Coat Maggie with this calamine lotion and the scabbing will heal.
The scabbing will heal! ALL: The scabbing will heal! Heal my scabs, Lord.
Praise the Lord! I can walk again! Hmm What? My foot fell asleep.
(SCOFFS) Sweetie, I know it itches.
But you've got to stop scratching.
No! (GASPS) No! Here.
Here, play with your teddy bear.
(GROANS) Sugar booger.
Aww, poor Maggie.
(GASPS) Homer, don't touch her.
You've never had chicken pox.
I know.
And you did.
And you're great.
Oh, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult.
It can leave you sterile.
Down there.
(SCOFFS) You always gotta work blue, don't you, Marge? You're better than that.
Can't even go in my own kitchen.
Bet Bart's in there right now licking frosting off my eggbeaters! Mmm.
Don't worry, Dad.
I'm saving one for you.
(LAUGHS) I'll just leave it here in the dog's mouth.
No! Bart! That's a really bad storage area.
Hey, Homer.
Why the sour puss? Did you chug-a-lug a skunky Snapple? I don't know.
Maybe.
Plus, my wife won't let me inside because the baby's got chicken pox.
Really? Do you mind if I bring my boys over so she can infect Rod and Todd? Then there'll be a pox on both our houses.
Why would you do that? Are you a bad parent? Au contraire, man with no hair.
You see, Rod and Todd could only get the chicken pox once, and childhood's the safest time.
So you want Maggie to infect your kids? You betcha! In fact, some parents have been known to hold "pox parties" so other kids in the neighborhood can get the disease when they please.
And would they pay handsomely for the privilege? They might.
You'd have to be awfully money-grubbing to charge your friends and neighbors.
$15 to infect your kids! Now featuring the pox box! Pox box not recommended for pregnant or nursing women.
As with any disease box, results may vary.
Pox box! Welcome to our pox party.
Save room for punch.
Maggie's bathing in the bowl.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Hi.
Luann'll pick up Milhouse when the party's over.
I'll just read in the car till then.
Oh, Kirk.
Come join the parents in the kitchen.
We're having alcohol drinks and dishing on the parents who aren't here.
Ordinarily, I'm not the one to laugh at a man's urinary blockage but you should've seen Oh! There he is.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the sister with the blisters, the tot with all the spots, Maggie! (COUGHING) I feel like a chicken already.
I just made an egg in my pants.
Hey, Marge.
Hit me with a little hit more of that silly slush.
Chief, don't you think you've had enough? I'm fine.
Watch, I can even touch my gun to my nose.
(BOTH GASPING) Don't worry.
I'm the "pief of cholice.
" I mean, I'm the beef with no cheese.
(SOBS) Why doesn't Lou like me? Why? Knock-knock.
Luann? What are you doing here? I thought you were just dropping Milhouse off.
I could get some coffee and come back.
No, no, no.
You stay.
I'll just drive home.
Uh, who's gonna let me siphon? Why don't you both stay and have one of my Marge-aritas? All right! I never drank one of these without a cigarette in it.
Now kids, in lieu of one of those inflatable jumping things, please welcome Mr.
Krusty the Clown! (ALL CHEERING) Hey, hey, kids! (LAUGHS) This putz only paid for 20 seconds so listen fast.
Moishe caught the chicken pox, he scratched all night and day.
He asked the rabbi what to do and he said (BEEPS) Time! I'm outta here! (LAUGHS) (TIRES SCREECHING) Kirk, you look good.
Have you been working out? Well, dogs have been chasing me.
No one's been chasing me lately.
What happened to your last boyfriend? The one who would always go to the gym after visiting you, then have lunch at that place downtown? You know, his taillight's broken? I'm not seeing him anymore.
Does that mean that there might be a chance for me? Almost anyone's got a chance now.
(ALL COUGHING) Goodbye.
Thanks for coming.
If my party made you sick, tell your friends.
(MOANING) Sweet Lizzie McGuire! You think that's traumatic? Mr.
Stomach, are you hungry? "I'm always hungry, now make with the pizza, fatso.
" (LAUGHS) You're the stomach.
I have to do this for work.
So Milhouse walks into the bedroom and there's his morn and dad going (MIMICKING MOANS) (IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) "Oh, Mr.
Van Houten, I love when you kiss me.
" (IN LOW VOICE) "Yeah, yeah, kissing ladies is the best.
" (IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) "Oh, baby, kiss my mouth.
" (IN LOW VOICE) "Kiss me like we're in a fancy hotel.
" All right, we get ii.
(WHIMPERING) Marge, what's happening to me? Oh, Homie, you got chicken pox.
But how? I don't know.
I kept away from Maggie all day.
Uh! I'm so itchy! (CHOKING) Oh! Oh, yeah.
Son, we want to talk to you about what you saw in the Simpsons' house.
Well, I didn't see anything to get my hopes up, if that's what you mean.
Well, maybe you should get your hopes up a little.
They're already up! They're sky high! Your father and I are going through what's called a trial un-separation.
And son, l want to make one thing clear.
Unlike the breakup, this is not your fault.
I can't believe it! Our family might get back together again! (SINGING) Our house is a very, very, very fine house With two cats in the yard Life used to be so hard Now everything is easy 'cause of you And our la, la, la (BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) I haven't daydreamed in color in so long.
Thank God.
We were afraid we lost you, son.
You sit in this oatmeal awhile and it'll send your itchies packin'.
Homer! Mmm! Homer oats.
Stop eating the oatmeal.
That's the third tub you've eaten.
(PHONE RINGING) Y'ello? No.
I'm not coming in to work.
I have chicken pox.
I know I said that last month, but I was lying.
Jeez.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right! Okay.
Right.
I love you.
Bye.
I just got fired.
Better check the want ads.
Ooh! Truck driver needed in Iraq.
Trucks are like big cars.
(GROANS) Okay, Luann, for honesty's sake, we should probably talk about everyone we dated while we were separated.
Well, the Sea Captain and I Yeah, okay.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
So what are we gonna do as a family today? Mini golf, pedal boats, indoor rock wall? Um, Milly Botanical garden, build a bear workshop, arena football with the Springfield Stun? Not today, big guy.
Your dad and I need more time to get reacquainted.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Why are you laughing? Tell me! Private jokes are rude.
Uh, son, here's 10 bucks.
Why don't you go to the bowling alley and throw some solo balls? But it's league night.
(G ROANS) This trial un-separation stinks! My parents used to compete for my love and I'd cash in every time.
And I always got the spillover.
Drive-in movies, two Christmases, soda with dinner.
(SIGHS) We lived like kings.
Remember when you told my dad to go to bed and he did? That was some New Year's.
Now listen.
I think we should consider breaking your parents up again.
I don't know, Bart.
I've wanted them back together for so long.
Look, you know they're gonna separate again.
Why don't we just speed up the process? You know, Bart.
My imaginary friend never made me do things I thought were wrong.
That's why he had to go away forever.
I thought you were gonna let him come back! I'm afraid he has to spend another year searching for his brain.
(GROANS) (STRAINING) Luann! I'm moving my stuff back in! Uh Dad, Mom says you're stinky and gross! Your mother said that? This is so great.
I mean, she used to keep her criticisms all bottled up until they destroyed our marriage.
And I guess I am a little funky.
Well, this is what cologne samples are for.
(HUMMING) (SIGHS) Mom, I don't want to get Dad in trouble, but he just let me drink a beer! Hmm, looks like we have a problem here.
The problem being that you are addicted to fibbing.
lam drunk! I'll prove it! Watch me kiss this picture of Nana! I can't do it! She's so mean to me! She wouldn't let me eat Froot Loops! Maybe my mom and dad are meant to be together, Bart.
You'd better hope not, 'cause you know what comes next? Your worst nightmare.
A baby sister.
Hi, Bart.
I baked you some cookies.
Skanks for nothing, Lame-orella.
If you two don't mind, I'd like to watch that cool Fox show about teenagers in Orange County.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Austin, I was looking for my belly ring in your recording studio and I found this! Does this or does this not belong to Feather? Sorry, Jade.
That's how we light it up in the OC.
You cheated on me! Our mixed-race fling is so over! Whatever.
Let's score some jam at Knott's Berry Farm.
For sure, dawg.
We'll be kickin' it old-school at Bigfoot Rapids.
Gonna get my flume on, log-style! (SINGING) We've been on the run Driving in the sun Looking out for number one California here we come Right back where we started from Hustlers grab your guns Your shadow weighs a ton Driving down the 101 California here we come Right back where we started from California! I bet that bra was planted by Sterling to break them up.
That's a brilliant idea! Those TV writers are geniuses! Whatever they' re paid, it's not enough.
This bra is really gonna lift and separate.
Lift your mother's suspicions and separate your parents.
LUANN: Milhouse, I need slender fingers to get me a pickle.
This isn't mine.
(BOTH GIGGLING) I have a message for your wife.
"Stop sleeping with my husband.
" Okay-doke! And you are? The wife of your wife's lover.
Does she know what this is regarding? (SCOFFS) You moron! Marge is having an affair with Kirk! (LAUGHS) That's ridiculous.
No woman would want to have sex with that loser.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) And, uh, congratulations on snagging him back.
Good stuff.
Just answer me one question.
How did your wife's bra end up in my husband's bed? (GRUNTS) (GASPS) This is Marge's bra.
I bought it for her boobs.
Of all the people for Marge to cheat on, why did it have to be me? Oh, boy, am I beat.
If you want to return a melon to the grocery store, clear your day.
Well, that answers the mystery of the missing melon.
But I have one more question.
Did you sleep with Kirk Van Houten? (GASPS) How could you ask me that? I repeat.
Did you sleep with Kirk? Homer, you're crazy.
You're not saying "no".
Fine.
No.
I'm still not hearing "no.
" No, no, no! Well, methinks the lady doth protest too much.
You don't trust me? After I salved every chicken pock on your ungrateful body? How dare you? I'm still waiting for that "no.
" Get out of this house! Gladly! (GRUNTS) We tried to break up your parents and we broke up mine! Wanna call my therapist to tell her how you feel? Hello, Dr.
Wexler? DR.
WEXLER: Stop calling me! I'm on my honeymoon! Yeah, it's that weird kid again.
Dad? (GASPS) I thought Mom kicked you out of the house! I came to get my mail.
"Resident.
" "Occupant.
" I can't open these.
Ooh! A traffic ticket! I'd do anything to get your mother and that donut back.
Okay, look, you and Mom can fix this.
What exactly happened between the two of you? Lisa, we don't need to know how.
It's a natural thing that happens, like a hurricane or going to war.
Hmm Well, I'd better go.
Where are you staying? You know the Four Seasons? Well, I'm experiencing them firsthand because I'm living in the park.
Bart, I think you're behind this whole thing.
Yeah, I can see how you'd think that.
But on the other hand (GRUNTS) Ha! I can read you like a book.
Ha-ha.
You read books.
If you don't tell Mom what you did, I will.
AW, come on.
Wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men? And meanwhile, I'll be one of those weird guys who's 35 and shows up at high school basketball games.
(SIGHS) (GROANS) Why did I marry that selfish jerk? I've asked him to flip the mattress a thousand times and he never does.
(GRUNTING) Uh, Mom? Hi, sweetie.
Uh, you know that bra that broke up our family? Uh-huh.
Well, I looked into it, and it turns out I was responsible.
Really? Well, just for that, I'm gonna erase all the saved games on your PlayStation.
What? How do you know about things like that? I learned about it in here.
Ha! But Dad can come home, right? No! But he's innocent.
Innocent? After all I do for your father, he still doesn't trust me.
I'm finished with him! Does this mean you and Dad might get a D-A-V-U-R-S? Young man, you go work on your spelling or I'll delete all the custom ring tones from your cell phone.
No! (SIGHS) Our reverse Parent Trap just made everything worse.
Maybe we should use a different movie as our guide.
Like Oklahoma! (SINGING) Oh, the farmer and the cowman should be friends Oh, the farmer and the cowman should be friends One man likes to push a plow The other likes to chase a cow But that's no reason why they can't be friends What do you think, Bart? A hoedown could solve all our problems.
I just need your chap size.
lt's two more than your pant size.
How many times do I have to tell you no Rodgers & Hammerstein? Rodgers and Hart? No! Well, what will trick your parents into getting back together? LISA: Enough with the tricks! Stupid movie schemes do not work in real life! Mom and Dad have a marriage on the rocks.
And they need to work through it in therapy to make sure it doesn't shatter.
Rocks.
Shatter.
Jagged cliff! Lise, you've just given me an idea for the most insane, harebrained, foolproof scheme ever! (SIGHS) Okay, when my mom and dad see this dummy fall in the river, they'll think it's me.
And they'll realize what really matters.
Each other.
Do you like the dummy, Bart? I even made it smell like you.
Now make sure Homer and Marge are in proper viewing position.
So I got your note saying you wanted to meet here to apologize.
Well, I got your note saying you were gonna bring me a bucket of potato salad.
Where's my apology? Where's my bucket? Now I'll get Mom and Dad's attention and you shove the dummy in the water.
Any questions? Yeah.
What are you going as for Halloween? Pile of dog doo.
Let's roll.
Mom! Dad! I'm playing on a dangerous cliff because you're too busy arguing to pay attention to me! (GASPS) Bart! We're all disappointed there's no potato salad! But for God's sake, don’t jump! Now! I can't tell which is which.
Oh, no! I'm already running! (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Whoa! I did it, Bart! Bart? (SCREAMING) I'm a-comin', boy! (BOTH SCREAMING) (HUMMING) (WHIMPERING) This is all my fault.
I planted Mom's bra on Milhouse's parents' bed.
Why, you little (CHOKING) Homer, I can save you both.
Just let go of the rock.
Just do it! Trust me! Okay.
(ALL BREATHING HEAVILY) Mom, Dad, I'd give a kajillion dollars for you to get back together! Make it two kajillion.
Homer! We'll lose the first kajillion to taxes.
Well, I guess you showed you do trust me after all.
Of course I do.
The only thing I can't believe is that a woman as great as you would be married to me.
Aw, Homie MILHOUSE: I don't want to live in a world without Bart! (GAS PS) Can he swim? What do you think? (SINGING) California! California! Here we come! California! Here we come! California! Here we come!