Live at The Apollo (2004) s17e04 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
your host for tonight -
Kiri Pritchard-McLean!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, hello, Live At The Apollo!
Make some noise
for the start of the show!
CHEERING
It's so nice to be here.
I do feel slightly overdressed
for the occasion.
Yeah, I feel like it looks like
they told me I was on
the Christmas episode, doesn't it?
And I've gone big,
like it's my one last Christmas.
I Or that I wandered here on my
way to officiating a gay wedding,
which is, of course, my dream job.
I'll tell you what it is,
is I, um
I forgot how to dress myself
in lockdown. I lost my way.
Of course I did.
I was locked in my house
for two years, either wearing PJs
or trackies, only really showering
when I could smell my own fanny.
That was the situ
Don't clutch pearls over there!
Like you've never had a long car
journey in tights. Grow up. Come on.
LAUGHTER
Do you know how thick
the underwear is under this
so the light doesn't shine through
and you see my full bush?
I'm so hot I'm baking bread up here.
I'm Welsh as well so it's Bread
Of Heaven, just so you know.
I'll be selling it in the foyer
afterwards. Slice of my slice.
I've never said that before
and I won't say it again.
I felt like I sort of lost my way
with my clothes, with my style.
UmI was I was either dressed down
or I was endlessly
scrolling through Instagram.
That's what I spent most of lockdown
doing, being influenced by things,
convincing myself,
"When the world opens up again,
I will wear more feathers."
So now what you see is a woman
trying to make her bad decisions
tax deductible.
SOME CHEERING
That's what's going on here.
It's nice that you're patronisingly
cheering
like, "Oh, look at the fat girl
giving it a go."
But I feel like
I'm getting my style back,
my style is I love anything shiny,
I love a statement earring.
The statement being I don't fit in
anything else in Topshop.
That's the statement.
I'm glad it has gone under.
I hope he drowns on his yacht,
the tax-avoiding bastard.
CHEERING
SHE LAUGHS
I mean
I joke about Topshop but
And now it's gone, I don't know
where to go for my clothes
cos it's always been difficult
for me shopping anyway.
For a start, I'm a plus size woman.
That means I'm never particularly
welcome on the high street.
Best case scenario, they give us
one sad corner in shops.
Yeah, that's where they put
all the thrush trousers
and waterfall cardigans.
That's what they put there.
So you can go and feel hot
and ashamed somewhere else.
I swear to God, the music
that they play in that corner,
it's sadder. You know what
they're playing in that corner?
Whatever those four lads played
as the Titanic went down.
That's what they're
playing in that corner.
So I went to find my new shop,
right, plus size, mid-30s.
There's got to be a high street shop
for me.
So I was wandering
up and down the high street
and I went into Urban Outfitters.
LAUGHTER
Well, I didn't know, did I?
LAUGHTER
I didn't know that was a shop
made for people age and size six.
I've never felt so immediately like
an old bastard in my whole life.
There was tension when I walked into
Urban Outfitters.
There was a palpable frisson
in the air.
The atmosphere when I walked
into Urban Outfitters was like
..have you ever been in a Greggs
when a seagull wanders in?
LAUGHTER
"Film it! Film it!
"It thinks it's like us."
Bag of crisps on its face.
"Get it out before it shits
everywhere."
LAUGHTER
God, I was feeling
so self-conscious.
And then one of the gorgeous
members of staff wafts over.
Oh, the staff they've got.
They're stunning Gen Zs.
They've got them
in Urban Outfitters.
They've got them in Lush as well.
You know, these things are amazing.
Oh, they're gorgeous.
They look like the future.
They're really androgynous,
really edgy.
They're like pansexual, polyamorous,
nonbinary nymphs. They're stunning.
And I always wanted to be
much more androgynous
in the way of present myself.
But I can't because I am
a farmer's daughter
and it doesn't matter how many hot
showers you have,
that shit will always stink on you.
I will always look like I can
comfortably carry more than I weigh.
LAUGHTER
It hurts that that laugh's so long.
LAUGHTER
I was feeling very self-conscious,
and this member of staff wafts over,
right?
They're just sort of, erm
They're very cool.
They've got, you know,
one of those piercings here?
Is it a septum piercing?
So good. I want one those.
It's too cool, too edgy,
too androgynous for me.
I know if I got this bit pierced,
I would look like a bull
at a county show.
It's the same reason why about seven
years ago or something like that,
this bit this blonde on me,
loads of my friends were very cool,
very edgy, they got it shaved,
they got like an undercut
and I knew I couldn't get that done,
right, cos if I got this bit shaved,
everybody would ask me
how the operation went.
LAUGHTER
You've got to know your limits
with this stuff, haven't you?
So I was feeling very self-conscious
and a member of staff
was just sort of staring at me.
And then eventually they said,
like, it must have been
all of 17, went, "You OK?"
And when I feel threatened,
sometimes I sound like a Tory.
LAUGHTER
I was like
POSH ACCENT: "I'm fine, thank you."
LAUGHTER
POSH ACCENT:
"I'm fine, thank you, shopkeep."
And they said
They looked me up and down and said,
"Are you looking for the bath mats?"
LAUGHTER
I know. And I was and it washes
wonderfully. I'll let you know.
So I left Urban Outfitters,
I was like, "I've gotta find my
shop. Where is my shop?
"There must be some shop
that makes clothes for me."
And I could hear it
on the high street
like a siren on the rocks going,
"Come in here.
"It's not just for aunties.
Come on in here.
"Have you seen our Boxing Day sale?
Come on in."
You know who it was - it was Next.
You know what that means
when Next comes calling?
It's only a matter of time
before Bonmarche
is patting the seat beside me.
Love a bit of Bonmarche.
"Come in here, love.
Come and get a little cardigan
"to hide those bat tits. You've got
a wedding coming up. Come on.
"You'll ruin it with your
body positivity. Come on."
LAUGHTER
Always imagine Bonmarche
with a tab on, me.
Bonmarche's got a tab on,
pint of bitter in this hand,
tells you about too many
Has too many of these
and tells you about handjobs
she used to give to sailors
when she was too young.
Love those women. Absolutely love
those women.
It's going to sound classist,
this next bit,
but they're nearly
always called Sharon.
I mean that in a positive way.
I think this country is built
on the backs of Sharons. Yes.
Yeah? Some of my best friends
No, obviously not.
LAUGHTER
You know what the problem is,
is every Sharon I've ever known
had started fires recreationally.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. It's the kind of woman
that you want her at the hen do
but you're not having her
at the wedding.
There's a part of my body I always
have to negotiate with, right,
when I'm when I'm buying clothes.
It's this bit here.
Look at me turn to the side like
you can't see it from the front.
It's this bit here.
I call it my prosecco paunch
Yes.
SOME CHEERING
It's also known as a gunt.
You may have heard that.
LAUGHTER
I love gunts cos I think it sounds
like a little German village.
"Where did I go post-lockdown?
"Nine months in gunt,
if you must know."
LAUGHTER AND SOME APPLAUSE
SHE LAUGHS
And so my prosecco paunch,
it just sort of hangs there
like a bum bag filled with sand.
And when I get jeans, I have to
decide, does the bum bag sit up
and over the jeans and put everyone
off their steak bake?
LAUGHTER
Or do I tuck it down?
I hate that you're there.
LAUGHTER
Do I tuck it down into my knickers
so it just hangs over my fanny
like some kind of meat apron?
Like something Ed Gein
would make of a Sunday afternoon.
Whenever I talk about
my prosecco paunch,
there's always a very specific
laugh in the audience.
I've learned to recognise it. It's
just over there tonight. It's this.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ew."
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ew."
LAUGHTER
And I know what it is now. That
is the laugh of a thin yoga woman.
And I know what the laugh means,
the laugh is like,
"That's funny, but I'd kill myself
if I looked like you."
LAUGHTER
But I promise you there's advantages
to having a prosecco paunch.
Make some noise if you've got one.
SOME CHEERING
Too female a laugh
for the bodies in the room.
Don't be shy, lads. I can see you.
It's quite well lit.
Let's try that again. We're all
being honest about ourselves.
Give us a cheer
if you've got prosecco punch.
SOME CHEERING
Boys, boys, boys. The thing is,
if you have a prosecco paunch
there are advantages to it, right?
Two main ones I can think of.
Number one, I don't want to be
crude, but I can take some hammer.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. Yeah, it's true.
I can give you a list of names
that can attest to that as well.
Not surnames.
LAUGHTER
Now, the other thing
is my prosecco paunch
always gives me the greatest slice
of joy, right?
You know those three
incredibly hot days
we get that we pass off as a summer,
right? I absolutely love those
cos that's when I get all my tanning
done. I take it very seriously.
I go and get a chair
from the kitchen.
I go and put it slap bang
in the middle of my garden, right?
Cos all the sun hits there.
I've not got outdoor furniture,
I'm not a Tory.
So I pop it there and I like it
I get as naked as legally possible.
So I've got full spaniels ears out,
smallest knickers I can find.
You might be worrying about me now
cos this is obviously filmed in
London. I live in the countryside.
I've not really got neighbours.
I've got one lad who can see
into my garden. He's depressed,
he's not looking out his window
for three weeks. We're fine, right?
I also get very precious
when I'm doing my tanning, right?
Very precious. And what I'll do
is I roll my knickers down
as small as I can get them
because I'm like,
"I don't want tan lines, actually,
I don't want tan lines."
I've got a bush like a badger
but I don't want tan lines.
It's got TB.
"I don't want tan lines."
I'm not allowed near cows.
LAUGHTER
So I lie there drinking it in.
And as I lie there, I think
to myself, "You know what?
"I am going to get up
and I am going to go to the freezer
"and I am going to treat myself
to a third magnum of the day
"because I'm a special princess
and I do deserve it."
Thank you.
SOME WHOOPING
All the people who are allowed ice
cream up there in that one section.
Lactose intolerant in the stalls.
Closest to the toilets.
It makes sense.
So I decide, "I'm going to treat
myself to that Magnum,"
and then I'll wait
another 40 minutes
till I can be arsed to get up
and get it.
And then when I get up and get it,
this is when my prosecco paunch
really steps up because
as I stand up, I will hear the sound
of my own gunt peeling
off the top of my own leg.
Yeah. Don't go, "Urgh."
Don't pretend you're not turned on,
it's embarrassing.
Incredible noise. It's like this.
"Whewt!"
That's my mating call.
It is. I'll just see a row of bald
heads along the fence like that.
Just divorced dads who are like,
"Is that low self-esteem I can hear?
"Do you want to come to Pizza Hut
and be a mum for two hours?"
LAUGHTER
I know I'm not alone in being a
woman who thinks about her body
and how much space it has
the audacity to take up
every single day.
Now, I also know that when it comes
to being a fat woman,
I've got lots of privilege.
I'm on the smaller side of fat.
My level of fatness is I don't have
to worry too much about the size
of theatre seats or aeroplane seats.
But I am fat enough that when I go
to my doctors about hay fever,
they prescribe me Zumba.
That's my level of fatness.
And I used to think that only
women my size and bigger
ever hated themselves.
But one of my friends,
she's one of the best-looking women
I've ever met.
She hits every standardised beauty
norm,
and she has the thing
called body dysmorphia.
Have we heard of body dysmorphia?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
The women are like, "Yes!"
and the men are like,
"Is this another fun lady hobby
"like wild swimming?"
Now, body dysmorphia means
that she's absolutely gorgeous,
but she cannot see herself
as she really is.
It's, it's awful. She's described
what she sees before now,
when she looks in the mirror,
and it is an actual monster.
She has, like, lumps coming
out of her head.
She has chunks of hair missing
when she looks in the mirror,
that's just not there. She has
teeth going in different directions.
And you know what? The more
she opened up and spoke to me
about body dysmorphia and what it
was like living with it
and how it made her feel
about herself,
the more I started to think
about myself
and the more I realised I have
..reverse
..body dysmorphia.
Yeah!
Don't clap it,
it's not a good thing, babes.
She says she'll go up to a mirror
and she'll just stand there and look
at it and go, "Who is that?"
I was like, "I do that."
I'll go up to a mirror
and I'll be like, "Who is that?!"
Yes!
"Hello!"
"Who's she, with a cheeky smile
and her dad's tits? Yes, please!"
And this isn't me being, like, faux
empowered or anything like that.
I'm telling you empirically,
I don't see myself the way
the rest of the world sees me,
because I know, even in a room
of this size,
I'm one of the only people, when
I'm all dressed up with my girls
on nights out, strangers come
up to me and go,
"I wish I was as brave as you."
Brave!
Like I'm a firefighter,
not just a size 16 in a leotard!
First responder of fat lasses
over here!
There's loads of things
I think I should feel bad about
but I struggle to give a shit about.
Um, here's a great example.
I'm the fattest person my partner
has ever had sex with.
EVER, right?
And I only sort of bring it up
six to eight times a day?
Yeah. Standard line, I go,
"Does it bother you that
I'm this fattest girl
"that you've ever slept with?"
And he goes,
"No, of course it doesn't."
And I go, "So I am fat?"
"That's logged, mate.
You're in trouble."
And I should make it clear here,
he's not an absolute player.
He's not slept with loads
and loads of women.
But if you put all the women
that he's slept with together,
they would still need
a belt for my jeans.
That's That's the situation!
I, um, you know what I have to be
very careful about,
just generally in stand-up,
when you talk about people
you love onstage,
you have to be careful
how you represent them.
And I worry I only really
talk about him
in quite a sexual way onstage.
And, of course,
he is much more than that.
He's the best human I've ever met
and he has this really special
quality to him
that, actually, I want to talk about
because it comes out of quite a sad
part of his life.
So, when he was 19 years of age,
his mother passed away
and she had been ill
for a very long time
and he had been one
of her primary carers
throughout that time
and it's imbued him
with a sense of softness
and kindness and sensitivity
that touches everybody that he meets
and that I definitely benefit from,
being his partner.
I suppose what I'm trying to say,
if there's any girls in the audience
looking for a good guy -
get one with a dead mum.
Now.
You're right to be appalled,
but don't be so appalled
you don't listen to my good advice!
Think about it. When you get with
a guy, what's the hardest thing?
Winning over the mum, innit?
Not an issue.
I'll win you round.
That's the amazing thing.
Also, it's definitely
affected his self-esteem.
He's much better looking than me,
and he always thinks that I'M going
to leave HIM? "OK, bell-end!"
Because in this room together, now,
you've only known me for like,
you know, like 15, 20 minutes,
something like that.
And you can already see
I'm hard work,
but not as hard as she was, so
Appalled women, clapping men.
What a gig.
If it helps, he finds that bit
really funny, all right?
He wouldn't tell me
if he didn't, would he?
I've just got to tell
you very quickly,
so you hopefully feel a little bit
better about that.
Well, here's the thing is, I get
messages about that bit of material
every single time I do it,
usually from women
who've come along to my show
and they go,
"Yeah, I had to message
you because I came to your show
"and you have a bit of comedy?
"Erm, about going out with
a guy with a dead mum?
"I was sat there next to my partner
who has lost his mother,
"and I just wanted to say,
you're bang on the money."
Well, Live At The Apollo, we have
got a top-shelf show for you.
We're going to have
a fantastic time.
Keep being an amazing audience
and put your hands together
for Catherine Bohart!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! Oh, hi!
Hello!
Oh, it's exciting to be here.
Hello, are you well?
AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND CHEERS
Good to be here.
I'm a lady who dates ladies.
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
Thank you, a little patronising,
but I'll take it. Good!
It's easy to tell you
because I don't know you.
And my dad's not here,
so we're good!
Also, they can't get iPlayer
in Ireland. That's nice.
Also, I don't really mind
coming out to strangers.
I don't know you. right?
I will say I get very anxious
when I have to come out to people
I know, or people I've had in my
life for a really long time,
which is why I am a 34-year-old
woman who is still working
up the courage to come out
to her manicurist?!
More complicated than
it sounds, right,
because on the one hand it's like,
"Will she finally make my nails
as short as I need themto be?!"
Good, some perverts in, excellent.
Hello!
I've also been spoiled.
First person I ever came
out to was amazing.
The first person I came
out to was my mum.
And my mum has sort of a unique way
of both being supportive,
but also making things weird? Yeah?
So she just waited for my dad
to leave the room
and then said, "Me, too!"
She's not! I don't think she is.
I don't think she's gay.
I do think she thinks lesbianism
is the ideal, though, right,
because she thinks
basically she thinks
it's halving the housework
and sharing fleeces.
And it is. Of course it is.
But you also have to be
mega into fingering.
And, um
She's just a very arthritic
woman, so
You shook your head at me!
It's going to get worse!
Here's the thing. I had,
I had a break-up in lockdown.
Do I need to tell you that
when I'm evidently hiding
a fringe I cut myself? I'm not sure.
It is weird, though. It's weird
being heartbroken in your 30s.
That feels like too strong
an emotion
for a person with a job, doesn't it?
I feel like heartbreak should
exclusively apply to teenagers
and very elderly women on boats.
I did have break-up admin.
We know this?
I think straight people
have break-up admin, too.
It's like who gets the TV?
Who gets the sofa?
Who gets the kids?
Ugh, no, thanks.
Sofa for me, please.
But I think it's much more dramatic
when lesbians do it. Truly.
Any lesbians in?
WHOOPING
A few low-key lesbians.
Good. Excellent.
You clapped. Good for you.
Excellent. Support yourself.
I love that, great!
But it is more dramatic
for lesbians,
because the main question
for lesbians after a break-up
is, who gets the dildo?
I know. It's very sad.
I didn't get custody.
I just see it every other
weekend and at Christmases, but
OK, there's some judgment
in this space? I don't love it.
Serious. I can see you.
And it's always straight
women who look at me like,
"I'm sorry, is she saying
she'd use the same dildo
"with the next girlfriend?!"
Yes!
And if you're judging me for that,
I would say,
"Did your boyfriend get a new dick?"
CHEERING AND WHOOPING
So, if I can boil wash mine
Did he boil wash his dick?
No? OK, I just think if you
haven't put your husband
through the dishwasher,
you can't judge me.
I had a man after a gig -
he was like, "Erm, sorry,
I just assumed lesbians
"had LOADS of dildos!"
Which is not a hello.
But we don't. I don't know if you
can vouch for me, but we don't,
have an armoury of cock.
Mainly because that shit's
expensive. It's expensive.
I was never going
to replace my dildo.
I was going to let that thing
wear down to a nub.
I truly
I was just gonna whittle it away.
I have no interest.
Yeah, I was never going to replace
it, but I'm glad I did,
because I'll tell you what.
Here's something no-one tells you.
The technology has really come on.
No-one tells you when you're
working with a Windows XP dildo,
but I'm glad I know.
Actually, getting a new dildo gave
me so much confidence
that I started to date again,
mainly to make it worth the cost.
Anyone else date during lockdown?
SILENCE THEN LAUGHTER
Fuck off!
3,000 pious liars!
Who are you lying for?! OK
That's really made me lose
respect for you, actually.
No, that's fine. OK, people
don't want to say - I get it -
people don't want to say
they were dating during lockdown
because obviously it was illegal for
single people to get fucked.
I know that.
But equally, I think
you have to have sex with strangers
during lockdown because if
you didn't have sex with strangers,
you had to have sex with the people
in your bubble.
And for most of us,
that was our family!
I didn't want to have sex
with my family. Sorry, guys.
I'm lying. They didn't want
to have sex with me!
They didn't want to have sex
with me. Isn't it sad? Rude, even?
Hear me out.
No, but seriously,
my brother's dating a redhead
and my sister is bisexual, too.
That feels like it's about
my personality, right?
Thank you.
CHEERY WHISTLE
It's a weird place to whistle!
The incest has stressed some
of you out, I can see that.
Especially the allies,
the straight allies.
I can see you're like, "We want to
support the LGBT, but is this it?
"I don't like this. Is this it?"
"Does the B stand for brother?"
No!
You should see my brother, though.
You should. He's fit.
Erm
I am bi, I'm bi, as well. I tend
To be honest with you, I'm bisexual,
but during lockdown I will,
I'll admit I was strategically gay.
I think that was the only way to go.
When dating became such that you had
to meet strangers in parks
and also you had to believe
the other person
when they said
they washed their hands.
I'm not doing that with men.
I also think that it, ultimately,
if you are bi
I don't really know why
anybody would be choosing men.
Yeah, no offence.
It's just that we smell better
and you're violent, so
APPLAUSE
The men who don't laugh
at that unnerve me most. Yes, OK
Good lad. Join in. OK
There are good things
about being broken up with.
I think one of my favourite things
is that I had to get
my house sorted,
so I got a bunch of DIY done.
Um, it really,
I think DIY is amazing.
DIY, in particular,
there's one silver lining
and that is that DIY reminded me
of something
I had long forgotten the
point of, which is,
of course, men.
You're amazing, aren't you?
Specifically, I'm a fan
of a subgenre of men.
They're called handymen.
Do we know these guys?
Oh, my God. They're wizards.
I love them.
They do magic. I adore them.
You're not sold. That's OK.
I had one lad in one day,
I had a bunch of photos
and art on the floor.
Left, came back, on the wall.
Oh, I'm sorry.
These guys are defying gravity
and you're not impressed by this?
Incredible. I'm obsessed with them.
I love them.
I also had one day
where I had two men in.
I know, very exciting.
And I had a bookcase that needed
bolting to the wall
and I said, "Can you bolt that
to the wall?"
They said, "Yeah, of course
you can." I said, "Cool."
Just so you know, even if you bolt
it to the wall, the floor is uneven,
so it will wobble.
They said,
"No, don't worry about that.
"Sure, we'll just get some extra
wood and pop it under it."
"What?!"
They said, "Sure, we'll get some MDF
and pop it under it."
"What is this witchcraft?!"
Here's the thing, Apollo.
They did!
I was like,
"I will suck you both off!"
Obviously I had to think
about it afterwards
because head was my first reaction.
Only my first reaction.
I think a normal one.
My second one was, of course, to
wonder how I am a woman in her 30s
who doesn't know how to do ANY DIY.
And I think the obvious
answer there
is that men are keeping it a secret
to remain relevant.
And that's not on, right?
But I do know some women can do DIY.
I obviously, I date soft butches,
I'm aware,
but, genuinely, I mainly
know because a woman came
to my house from British Gas -
very modern -
and she fixed my boiler, right?
And after she was done she said,
"OK, that's all done, all sorted,
"just, before it works, you will
need to bleed the radiators."
I said, "What?"
She said, "Oh, for it to work,
"you're just going to need
to bleed the radiators."
I said, "Erm, the butch one left.
What are you saying, sorry?"
"Can't really hear
you behind all of my hair!
"What's happening?"
She goes, "Do you want me
to show you how to do that?"
I said, "Is that allowed?"
Women in the room.
Look at me. Come here to me now.
Focus. Right?
Did you know that that
is just turning a key
and waiting for liquid?
It is basic handjob stuff
and no-one will tell you.
Here's the thing -
every man in my life has acted
like that is a state secret, right?
This man's furious I'm telling you -
you now have all
the information you need.
You're free. Run!
My dad bleeds a radiator
in such a way
that I thought he used his own dick.
I thought there was actual
blood involved.
He'll go off with a bunch
of tissues being like,
"I will do it,
do not look, I will do it!"
Anyway, she fixed my boiler
so I was like, "I will eat you out!"
They all said no.
I had to pay both times.
It's hard out there.
The last thing I was, the thing
that I think I felt was a sign
that I was good after my break-up,
I was like feeling good
about being single,
was that I started
to look into laser hair removal.
I just hadn't been single
in a really long time.
For context,
last time I was single,
Ellen was a good lesbian,
so we're talking some time.
I didn't know what we
were doing with pubes.
I thought I'd call a professional,
find out.
Turns out you can't actually
just order pubes of the day.
You do have to have a preference.
But I called and this woman
was like,
"OK, great, can I take your name?"
So I gave it to her.
She said, "Grand, I'll need
your phone number."
I gave her that as well. She said,
"Lovely, can I get your email?"
I gave her that, too. She said
"Grand, I will need your home
address." I thought, bloody hell!
Then she said, "OK, Catherine,
what part of the body
"were you thinking?"
Now, independent woman
in her thirties,
I practised in the mirror,
so I obviously said my
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
And she guessed,
and we went from there.
And then she said, "OK, Catherine,
what style were you thinking?"
I wasn't expecting that question.
So I said,
"Oh, what's available, please?"
And then this woman
on the telephone, truly a stranger,
spoke to me more intimately
than any sexual partner ever has
about a thing I think
she had termed herself -
"degrees of lip exposure?!"
I'm not going to take judgment
from men with beards,
because I do think it's
the same issue, yeah?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She said, "OK, Catherine,
last question.
"Can I just check -
what colour's the hair?
Now, I sound like this,
I don't usually have to say,
but I said, "Oh, I'm a redhead."
And then she said, "Oh, can't help
you with that, I'm afraid, ha-ha!"
I was like,
"Sorry, what's happening?
"Am I being bullied on
the telephone?!
"I can pay, I'll pay,
I can pay, right?"
She said, "Yeah, you don't
understand. With the laser,
"it's about contrast, you have to
have dark hair and light skin
"or we can't do it, I'm afraid,
so it is a ginger-free zone!"
SHE TITTERS
Which I think begs the question why
she would first ask me my name,
phone number, home address,
email address,
let's be honest -
aspirational vaginal aesthetic
..and then ask me what colour
the hair is!
But I said this to my mother
afterwards and she was like,
"Ah, yeah, that's true -
but to be fair, Catherine,
"if you called and she said,
"'Can I stop you there?
You sound Irish.
"'Are the pubes red?'"
"That would also be bad customer
service, Mother, yes."
Thank you so much,
Live At The Apollo,
I've been Catherine Bohart.
Have a good night!
RAUCOUS CHEERING
Make some noise for
Catherine Bohart!
CHEERING
Brilliant!
Live At The Apollo,
we've got another act.
Are you ready for another act?
AUDIENCE ROARS
He's amazing.
Go wild for Babatunde Aleshe!
MUSIC: I Luv U
by Dizzee Rascal
Yeah! Come on!
That's right. Yes, people. Yes.
It's ethnic time now.
Wagwan?
See couple of black people
peppered into the crowd.
I see you. Wagwan, brother?
Yeah, yeah. Come on. Brap! Come on!
Nah, man, it's good to be here
live at the Apollo.
Can you imagine? Oh, my days!
All the way from Tottenham to here!
Boy, this is nice!
Yeah, man!
I'm gassed. I'm gassed to be here.
The reason why I'm so gassed
to be here
is because normally when I get
booked for shows,
they always like to send me
to, like, the most dangerous parts
of the UK for some unknown reason.
You know what I'm saying? Places
like Moss Side in Manchester,
Handsworth in Birmingham,
Brixton in South London,
you know what I'm saying, ai?
And I always ask my managers, like,
"Why do you keep sending me?
"I'm scared too," like,
you know what I'm saying?
I don't want to go there!
It's called black on black
crime for a reason!
I'm not trying to get stabbed.
I just want to tell the jokes!
Nah, man. My first show
was actually IN Brixton,
you know what I'm saying?
Brixton has changed nowadays,
like, you know what I'm saying?
There's a lot of hipsters
in Brixton, and they rude!
They're proper rude, innit?
They proper push you out the way.
"Get out the way. Move! Move.
"This is Brixton Village now.
"Home of the jerk vegan wrap."
You know what I'm saying?
Proper rude, man!
But, nah,
my first show was in Brixton.
It wasn't even in a comedy club.
It was in someone's house.
Yeah? The name of the gig
was called Make Man Laugh
..Or Die.
Yeah?
I show up to the gig
and knock on the door.
And I guess the guy must have forgot
that he was doing a comedy show
in his house because he answers
the door proper aggressive.
He's like, "What you doing
around here?"
And I was just like, "Is
there a comedy show going on?"
It was just like, "Oh, yeah, what,
you're the comedian?"
"Come tru', bruv, come tru', bruv!"
I get there, I kid you not,
it's in the living room,
there's a whole bunch of gangstas
in the room just smoking weed
with their hoodies up and stuff.
And then, like, there's
like a speaker there
and some microphone
and speakers and stuff.
And so he grabs the microphone
and he's just like,
"All right, people
all right, hey, sit down, bruv,
"I'm trying to do a comedy show.
Siddown, bruv.
"OK, OK, guys, we ready?
All right, then.
"Coming all the way from
the depths of Africa"
I'm from North London. I'm like
"Where are you getting
this information from, bruv?"
He's like,
"Give it up for Babatunde!"
And everyone was like,
"Brap, brap, brap, brap, brap!"
This is the thing, yeah?
This is a comedy show in Brixton,
in someone's house, yeah?
Full of gangstas.
Gangstas don't laugh.
Yeah? Gangstas just acknowledge
that a joke is funny.
They won't laugh, but they'll
acknowledge a funny joke.
This is, this is them
when they hear a joke.
This is how gangstas laugh.
They all be like this.
"Tss, yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Yeah, that's funny, bruv, that's
funny. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm."
HE CHUCKLES THROATILY
When they do laugh, it's the
scariest thing in the world.
Cos they add a gun sound
at the end of the laugh
to let you know
they really enjoyed it.
They be like, "Ha-ha-ha-ha! BRAP!!!"
It's like, "Oh"
Scared the life of me!
I wanted to be a gangsta
when I was young.
I'm not going to lie to you people.
I wanted to be a gangsta.
I grew up in Tottenham.
You know what I'm saying?
That was the environment.
I wanted to be a gangsta,
but I suffer from anxiety.
You can't be no anxious gangsta,
you know what I'm saying?
"All right, guys, we're going to go
rob this shop. You guys ready?"
"Er, guys, um
"Don't think I can do it."
"Why not, bruv?
What's wrong with you now?"
"I suffer from anxiety?"
"Anxiety?"
"Yeah, I get anxious
when things get dangerous?"
"You don't suffer from anxiety.
You're just a pussyole."
But I like going to white
people house parties.
That's what I like doing.
I do, man.
I party with white people now.
The reason why I like partying
with white people, it's safe -
like, the lights are on, first of
all, you know what I'm saying?
You can see everything.
You know what I'm saying?
There's never a DJ at a white
person's house party.
It's always like some random dude
with, like, an acoustic guitar,
like, you know what I'm saying?
The only thing I don't like
is the fact that you guys,
your snacks are just dead, man.
You got, like, cucumber sandwiches,
little tuna melts and stuff.
I don't like that, man.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's like black people,
everybody believes that
black people and chicken
have this special relationship,
you know what I'm saying, like?
I'm not even here to say,
"No, we don't!"
All I want to know is,
what do white people love eating
and drinking all the time?
I think I know what it is, though.
Tea.
You guys get crazy for it, man.
You know what I'm saying, like?
Black people, we drink tea,
too, but,
like, I've seen, like, white people,
you drink tea
when the weather's hot
or the weather's cold,
when you're happy, when you're sad,
even when someone has died.
Have you seen this, bro?
"Oh, my God. Kate is dead.
HE GASPS
"Shall put the kettle on?"
You know what I'm saying, like?
Black people, we can't do that.
"Oh, my days, bruv, Tyrone got shot
in the head. He's dead!"
HE GASPS
"Shall I put some chicken in
the oven or something, bruv?"
"Oh, my days, Tyrone is dead.
I'm so hungry, bruv! Oh, my days."
Nah, man, I'm happy, man.
I'm in a happy place right
now, you know?
Moved out of London,
moved to Hertfordshire.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
Yeah, man. Well, to be honest,
like, I moved to a small town
in Hertfordshire called Stevenage.
SOME APPLAUSE
Um, no. You from Stevenage?
Everybody hide your wallets, guys.
Stevenage is what white people
refer to as a shithole.
I did not know this.
We moved there thinking, like,
we're moving up in the world.
Turns out we moved to
crackhead heaven, boy, like.
They're not used to black people
in Stevenage.
You know why I know this?
It's because my shopkeeper
always talks to me in
a Jamaican accent.
Cos every day, as soon as
I go in, "Wagwan, bruddah?"
"Y'all right?"
And I tell him, like, "OK, like,
I'm not Jamaican, I'm Nigerian.
"I know we look the same,
but we're not the same.
Two different
One's Africa, one's Caribbean.
That's not the strange part.
The strange part is, he's Chinese?
So I'm like
Where are you getting
this accent from, bro?"
You would have thought to yourself
that he would just stop doing it.
He just changed his accent.
He was like, "Ah, you are Nigerian!
Welcome, my bruddaaah!"
This guy, blud.
Reason why I moved is I have a son.
I've got six-year-old boy
and I love him to bits, man.
Oh, OK. All right.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Everyone clapping
because my sperm works.
OK. All right! Love that!
Nah, man, my son is six.
You know, I wanted to give him
a better life, but to be honest,
I'm annoyed at my son's life.
I'm jealous, to be honest.
Like, I've given him
such a good life.
Like, the other day, my son comes
home and he's just like,
POSH ACCENT: "Er, Daddy?"
First of all, my son,
I see some people like,
"Why is your son
Why is he white? He's not white."
He's just got a posh accent. We live
in the countryside, all right?
It annoys me.
I'm not going to lie, like,
especially when my friends
from Tottenham come.
You know, they'll try
and say hello to him.
They be like,
"Wagwan, little man?"
My son will be like, "Oh, hello,
Uncle Neil!" It's just like
"Go back in your bedroom, bruv,
just get out of here!"
My son is posh, yeah?
Comes home the other day.
He's just like,
Er, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.
What's the Wi-Fi password?"
I just looked at him like,
"You privileged prick."
Like, "How dare you?!"
I'm annoyed, man, I'm jealous,
because this boy has everything
I never had as a child.
Yeah, he's got Wi-Fi, he's got toys,
he's got his own bedroom.
he's got a dad,
you know what I'm saying?
Privileged, man. I ain't had
none of that growing up.
I ain't had toys growing up.
I ain't had toys because
my mum is Nigerian, yeah?
Nigerians don't believe in fun!
They believe in educa-shon!
That's what they believe in.
I remember the first time
I asked my mum for a toy.
I was ten years old.
That is too late to be asking
for a toy, yeah?
Asking for a toy for my birthday.
You know, I went into her bedroom
I was like,
"Mum, for my birthday,
can I get a toy?"
And my mum was just like,
"Ah, Tunde, you want a toy?
Here's a toy.
"It's called the Bible.
G'wan, read it!
"G'wan, baby Jesus!"
It annoys me, man. Plus, now,
me and my wife,
we're trying to, like, move my son
to, like, a private school
because we got money and, er
You know, we went to
the private school,
they showed us around, showed us all
the facilities and stuff like that,
and we were just looking
around, asking them questions
and they told us they
were just like,
"This is going to be a great
school for your son
"because we don't tolerate bullies,"
and I was just like,
"Er, me and my wife are going to
talk quickly just for a second."
You know what I'm saying? Went
to my wife and I was just like,
"They don't tolerate bullies."
She was like, "Yeah,
that's a good thing."
I was like,
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
"I want my son to get bullied."
I was like,
"He's too damn privileged!"
"Yeah? He needs to build
some character."
I think all children
should get tested. I do.
I do, man.
I got bullied when I was young.
I got bullied just because my name
is Babatunde. That was it.
All the kids used to laugh at me.
They used to come up to me,
they'd be like, "Ha-ha, your name's
Babatunde. That's a funny name!"
And, like, I didn't have nothing
to say back to them.
Like, you know, back in the day,
you'd be like, "Yeah, your mum?"
I didn't have "your mum" jokes.
The only jokes I had
were, like, jokes that
my Nigerian mum would give me.
This is the thing
you gotta understand.
Nigerian parents don't understand
English banter, right?
They only understand
real African curses, yeah?
So when all the kids would
come up to me, yeah?
My mum would just tell me
what to say to them.
So as soon as they come up to me,
they'll be like,
"Ha-ha, your name's Babatunde,"
I would be like,
"My mama told me to tell you.
"If you say that to me
one more time,
"I will do voodoo on you
and you will die!"
Traumatised the crap out of them,
you know what I'm saying?
Love spending time with my son.
He's the greatest, you know?
And one of the things
I started doing to bond with my son
a little bit more, you know, I
started beating the crap out of him.
That's what I started.
I think we need to bring that back.
You know? Remember, as parents,
remember in the '80s,
they used to beat us.
You know what I'm saying?
For any little thing.
You know what I'm saying?
"Did you say good morning?
Get out of here!"
Just anything, you know?
Remember when you used to cry
and you would choke on each
and every tear?
Remember that?
You'd be crying
HALTING SOBS
I've not seen a child
cry like that in ages!
Yeah, man!
You had to shout to get
the words out, innit?
You'd be like,
"Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!"
HE SHRIEKS
African parents be like, "Ah, you
are shouting at me, are you crazy?"
Every child has done this.
Every child has done this.
If you got disciplined when you were
young, every child has done this.
I remember once my mum came to hit
me, I got brave and I blocked her.
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yeah. You don't do that to
Nigerian parents, trust me, man.
But she came down to hit me.
I grabbed her hand.
She was just like, "Aha, OK.
"So you want to fight, huh?
"Bastard!"
Yo, Hammersmith, Apollo.
This is a dream come true.
My name's Babatunde.
Thank you very much. Peace!
RAUCOUS CHEERING
Make some noise
for Babatunde Aleshe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So brilliant.
You saw the amazing
Catherine Bohart!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And Babatunde Aleshe!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've been Kiri Pritchard-McLean.
Thank you very much. Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE